Zenna Davis - Jones
Forum Replies Created
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Zenna Davis-Jones
What I learned doing this assignment is that I could use the motif of other people’s reactions to help build the magnitude of the situation. In the beginning my protagonist is being endowed with the permission to train new recruits, so having young kids run to the window to watch created a more exciting atmosphere.
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Zenna’s Unique Character Dialogue
I found this process daunting to begin. However, as it went by there were some interesting discoveries. Mainly, I discovered how caring my protagonist is. There were moments that really didn’t align with that, so I was able to shift her intention to be from a place of care even if the impact is harmful.
It was also discovering how many scenes happen without the antagonist in it. I assumed he had more scenes to work through. But I found his dialogue aligned with his character breakdown.
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Zenna Davis-Jones Meaningful action
What I learned from this exercise is that meaningful action can really enhance a story. Scenes that fall flat suddenly jump off the page when they’re changed to be in line with meaningful action.
I changed about 8 scenes. Adjusting location and what the people were doing. it was a creative way to allow for metaphor and watch the scene begin to take off.
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Zenna Davis Jones elevates scene structures
What I learned was that there were many scenes where adding small amounts of tension, or playing around with the format created a much more compelling world. I also really enjoyed making sure I was clear on what each scene was suppose to do for my story off the top. This exercise took me a long while and I’m very grateful to have this list! I went through my entertainment value chart and anything 5 under I reworked. Hopefully making for a more compelling script!
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Competitive Agendas:
B: Margaret confronts Raymond on where Colette is.
M: Raymond puts her in her place.
E: Kinsley puts Raymond in her place by choosing Margaret.
Surprise:
What I want out of the scene is for people to think that Nelly fell from there and be surprised when she didn’t.
B: Colette talks to Maureen.
M: Colette gets really upset about Nelly’s death.
E: The window doesn’t open. She didn’t fall from there. Maureen just thought she needed support.
Irony:
B: Presents the picture of St. Marie Goretti
M: Inquires what her story is.
E: Poses the question, do you submit or do you fight for your life to stay in God’s light?
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Zenna’s Scene Ratings
What I learned during this exercise is that scenes I thought were finished actually left me emotionally unsatisfied, so I’ll have to extend them to give them more of an arch. There were some scenes that were low that surprised me bc writing them they felt very compelling. I was happy to see that most of my turning points have a high entertainment value. I found the ones later in my script were the less developed. I’m excited to make my twist more entertaining.
ENTERTAINMENT VALUE RATING:
62. E 5 – set up for next episode.
61. E 8 – set up for next episode.
60. E 8 – conclusion – End of act 4
59. E 7 – conclusion
58. E 6 – conclusion
57. E 9 – climax
56. E 8 – climax
55. E 5 – leading to climax
54. E 6
53. E 4 –
52. E 6
51. E 8
50. E 6
49. E 4
48. E 5
47. E 4
46. E 8
45. E 9 – End of act 3
44. E 8
43. E 8
42. E 8
41. E 8
40. E 4
39. E 4
38. E 7
37. E 8
36. E 6
35. E 5
34. E 7 / E 6
33. E 8
32. E 8 – beginning of act 3
31. E 8 – End of act 2
30. E 6
29. E 6
28. E 4
27. E 7
26. E 8
25. E 6
24. E 6
23. E 8
22. E 4 –
21. E 7 – Beginning of act 2
20. E 7 – End of act 1
19. E 5
18. E 8
17. E 8
16. E 8
15. E 8
14. E 7
13. E 8.
12. E 9. – Inciting Incident
11. E 8
10. E 8 – Beginning of Act 1
9. E 9 – End of Teaser
8. E 8
7. E 8
6. E 9
5. E 9
4. E. 9
3. E. 9
2. E 9
1. E. 4 Beginning of Teaser
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Zenna Davis-Jones OUTLINE TO SCRIPT
What i learned: a lot of the scenes had to be taken out because of changes made to the outline. While I liked the scene and the characters they didn’t move the story forward anymore.
I learned that it doesn’t have to be perfect but just keep chipping away and eventually the story will get good! just don’t stop moving.
I learned that there is some resistance to calling it a first draft! Because I feel so much work has already gone into it. But i understand the idea that this new way to tell the story is the first time I’ve done so. I’m excited to keep going.
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Looking for feedback! I’m doing a 60 min Pilot episode, so if there is someone who is working on television, perhaps we can link up? Otherwise, happy to send to whoever will look! Currently at 8 pages.
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Lesson 9: Zenna’s Fascinating Scenes
I learned that there is always a way to add more tension to a scene and that while a lot of my scenes have mystery built in them, there was room for more tools in each scene. I also discovered I have a lot of sequences that build a bigger picture than complete scenes.
I found this excersize difficult because I’m already so set on how certain scenes play out that giving them different interest techniques was met with a lot of resistance! But I did it, I chipped away and played with some scenes even if they weren’t going to end up in the final product. It was a great exercise. It especially made me add an interesting way that my current-date protagonist was introduced.
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Zenna Davis-Jones elevating leading characters
What I learned: Introductions are very important when bringing people into the story.
Changes I made: Originally the head priest is testing Colette to see if she’s ready to take on new recruits. I’ve decided to make this a ceremony where she ends up kneeling naked in a Kiddie pool to be baptized before she takes on the new recruits, with other priest lining the room watching.
I also decided that when sister Raymond comes in there must be a secret she has on her, either that she is bleeding and we don’t know why or that she is carrying a letter opener. Hinting at her sinister intentions with out actually letting people know what it is.
I may play around with the priest taking Margaret away and her coming back totally brainwashed.
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Zenna Davis-Jones solving major problems
What I learned from doing this assignment is:
– to clarify what my protagonist’s goal is compared to the action they take. She wants to rule out that her friend committed suicide to permit her a funeral, but in order to do so, the priest says she must locate the source of the devil. So that becomes her first action, then that blows up and they believe that SHE is the devil. Through this period, she discovers something that reinvigorates her to find the truth about her friend in a tangible way.
– To make sure that the conflict is very clear per act.
– That if I am to show who this character is I must make her very rambunctious when she is young.
– I changed the twist so it is not her discovering the Priest killed her sister, instead, she discovers that he kidnapped her. While she was led to believe he found her abandoned and saved her.
– For the midpoint, she has a mental breakdown and killed a rat she thought was possessed by the devil. Instead I changed it so that she sees a man and believes he is carrying a rat. She attacks him, trying to prove to the congregation she found the devil, but the rat was an illusion. She imagined the whole thing and knocked out an innocent stranger.
-Introducing a new 2nd to the antagonist after the midpoint, making him scarier than the previous one.
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Hey everyone! Quick question: since we’re following the 4 act structure for our outline, how are you putting in character story lines if they aren’t a part of the inciting incident or push to act 2 etc. Are you now expanding the outline so it’s not just the pointers we began with?
Zenna
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Zenna Davis-Jones Outline Improvements
What I learned during this assignment is that each characters intent helps to propel the story more clearly and helps to raise the stakes. I can strengthen my script and move around pieces to enhance the pitch, and clarify character motives.
The changes I made in this script was bringing the conversation about Nelly’s “suicide” to the beginning of act 1 (it was previously near the midpoint), that propels my protagonist to want to prove her innocence earlier on. I was also able to bring in a different main character, where he was first just following Colette around, now he’s a christian doctor who will be inspecting her for her mental health. The more I built up this 2nd to the antagonist, the more I was able to raise the stakes of her pursuing her goals in act 4.
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Zenna Davis-Jones – Character Arcs
What I learned is that most characters have both a story arc that proceeds the pilot and one within the pilot. As well, that while Colette’s journey is the one we follow, different characters have different reactions to situations.
Colette: Protagonist
Beginning: Colette is promoted to teaching the new recruits.
Inciting Incident: The recruits arrive.
Turning Point: Her best friend, Nelly, falls out of the building and dies.
Midpoint: Has a mental breakdown in front of the congregation.
Turning Point 2: Colette finds a note that causes her to investigate Nelly’s death.
Dilemma: Colette stays content in her passive ways but doesn’t clear Nelly’s name vs. Colette has to step out of her comfort zone to confront sister Raymond.
Major Conflict: Discovers Kinsley has been killing people.
Ending: Watches the new recruits take their vows.
Father Kinsley: Antagonist
Beginning: Bringing in a new shipment of recruits, promotes Colette to train them.
Inciting Incident: Is taken by Margaret.
Turning Point: Colette lets new girls see Nelly’s death, he has to cover it up ASAP.
Midpoint: Colette has a mental breakdown in front of congregation.
Turning point 2: Sister Raymond reveals that she got caught killing Nelly.
Dilemma: Does he keep the woman doing his dirty work vs. does he dispose of her?
Major Conflict: Kills sister Raymond.
Ending: Indoctrinates new girls.
Margaret: 2nd to Protagonist:
Beginning: In an abusive relationship.
Inciting Incident: Is pushed down the stairs by him.
Turning point: Joins the congregation.
Midpoint: Finally feels like she has a place she can call home.
Turning point 2: Sister Raymond says they need a dowry to enter congregation.
Dilemma: Wants to stay, has no money, has no where else to go.
Major Conflict: Boyfriend comes to take her back.
Ending: She takes her vows at the commune.
Sister Raymond: 2nd to antagonist
Beginning: Colette gets the position Raymond wanted.
Inciting Incident: Is told to dispose of Nelly.
Turning Point: Colette has a mental break down, Raymond is promoted.
Midpoint: She is on top of the world, scaring the girls.
Turning point 2: Colette discovers sister Raymond killed Nelly.
Dilemma: Do an evil act for Kinsley or do the right thing and lose his love?
Major conflict: Has to tell Kinsley she got caught.
Ending: Kinsley kills her.
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Zenna Davis-Jones
What I learned through this exercise is that most of my characters are looking for love and acceptance in different forms. I also really enjoyed exploring their secrets.
Name: Sister Colette
Role in the Story: Protagonist. She begins as the favorite at the congregation, entirely docile and subservient. She then becomes disillusioned when she discovers the head priest is killing girls in the congregation and must find a way to save them.
Core Traits: Naïve, people pleaser, guilt-ridden, altruistic.
Motivation: Want: to create heaven on earth for people and God to celebrate.
Need: To learn to forgive and trust herself.
Flaw: Afraid of letting others down.
Wound: Blames herself for when her sister went missing.
Secret: Thinks she’s evil inside.
Hidden Agenda: To be absolved of sins in the eyes of God.
Internal Dilemma: Wants to do good in the eyes of others vs listening and honoring her intuition.
Why she is perfect for this story: Begins as a perfect, docile, submissive recruit and when she discovers her fellow girls are in danger, she must dig into the deep resources of self to find the strength to bring them to safety.
Name: Father Kinsley
Role In Story: Commune leader and antagonist. Believe he is God and will stop at nothing to become all-powerful.
Core Traits: Charismatic, Manipulative, Narcissist, Cruel
Motivation: Wants to be so powerful he can do whatever he wants.
Need: Keep himself safe by controlling everyone around him.
Flaw: Too power-hungry, insatiable beyond reason.
Wound: Abused as a child, left for dead by parents.
Secret: He wants to be God and have the power to choose who gets to live and who dies.
Hidden Agenda: Brainwashing his followers
Internal Dilemma: Wants to be God, doesn’t believe there is a god.
Why he is perfect for this story: He offers Colette a “safe space” where she can willingly give over her right to chose, but once she discovers he is evil, he offers the greatest obstacle to her, thinking he knows better and is better.
Name: Sister Raymond
Role: Closest to a Mother Superior. Antagonists helper. She jumps on every opportunity to shut Colette down. Willingly does Kinsley’s dirty work.
Core Traits: Ambitious, jealous, conniving, intelligent
Motivation: Want: Kinsley’s unwavering approval
Need: To feel love and accepted.
Flaw: Willing to hurt real friendships to get ahead.
Wound: Abused by stepdad, warped sense of what love is.
Secret: She is in love with Kinsley.
Hidden Agenda: Kill anyone Kinsley asks.
Internal dilemma: Wants to be loved, hates herself.
Why she is perfect for this role: She makes Colette second guess herself. She demonstrates to Colette that no matter how ‘good’ you are to Kinsley it is never enough.
Name: Margaret
Role: New recruit who gives voice to the audience in the beginning by questioning the community. She then becomes a pivotal character the audience is connected to that needs to be saved.
Core Traits: Skeptical, street-smart, lonely, good-hearted.
Motivation: Want: to find a cheap place to live.
Need: A home where she is loved.
Flaw: Thinks the world is out to get her.
Wound: Hard relationship with family. Has a difficult time trusting people.
Secret: She misses hugs.
Hidden Agenda: To get away from an abusive boyfriend.
Internal Dilemma: Wants love, wont let anyone in.
Why she is perfect for this story: The audience cares about her, she has the street smarts to get out of dangerous situations but is desperate enough for a home that she is willing to overlook certain signs.
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Zenna Davis-Jones Genre conventions:
What I learned through this assignment is that I should have a teaser that sets the tone. I decided on the protagonist’s back story of her sister going missing. I also learned that I can raise the stakes after the midpoint. My protagonist is now being guarded by a priest and must find a way to get out. I also decided to raise the stakes on why the new recruits need to stay in the congregation so that it is more life and death for them.
A: GENRE – Thriller
B: TITLE – Obedience
C: HIGH CONCEPT: A devout sister must find a way to get her and her fellow sisters to safety after discovering their charming priest is using their congregation to fulfill his own wicked desires.
THRILLER CONVENTIONS:
Purpose: To thrill the audience with high stakes, plot twists, and suspense that never lets up.
-LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS
-MYSTERY/INTRIGUE/SUSPENSE
-HERO
-VILLIAN
-MAIN EMOTIONS: Suspense, intrigue, mystery, tension, anticipation, uncertainty, surprise
Pilot Episode:
TEASER: Little Margot is at the grocery store with her mom when her teddy bear goes missing. She sees a man holding it and follows him. He leads her outside to a river. She ends up drowning. As he drags her body away, she wakes up slightly, he tells her to be quiet.
ACT 1:
Inciting incident:
The new recruits arrive at the church. Sister Colette has been given the high honor of teaching them until they take their vows to join the congregation.
Her mute friend Nelly freaks out when the recruits come, they get into a fight.
Detail for future: Nelly is feeding a ‘pet’ rat and almost falls out the window doing so.
Turning point:
As sister Colette is showing the new recruits around, sister Nelly, falls out of a window to her death. When Colette goes over to help her, she discovers a note in Nelly’s hand.
ACT 2:
New Plan:
Kinsley blames Colette for letting negative energies into the building. Colette decides to pursue training the girls harder and whips herself as punishment to get back into God’s light.
Plan in action:
-She gives the recruits CONFESSION BOOKLETS to write their biggest secrets. She makes them share theirs, then relays the information to the priest.
-She whips herself as punishment for letting the devil in. As she is whipping herself the rat that Nelly fed keeps on appearing.
Details for plot progression:
-She studies Nelly’s final note, which leads her to believe that the devil got to her through the possession of the rat.
-She discovers that Nelly’s death is considered a suicide and therefore she will not receive a funeral to send her to heaven.
Midpoint:
During a big sermon with the townsfolk, Colette kills the rat she believes is the incarnation of the devil. **Possibly, she is seeing red, so someone has to hit her over the head before she hurts a townsfolk**
Act 3:
React/Rethink:
Colette is put under ‘house arrest’, and a new priest Augustine, will watch her to make sure she is sane. She is demoted to the laundry room. Sister Raymond will replace her in teaching the new recruits.
New plan:
Colette acts as good as she can, wanting to melt away into a wallflower.
Turning point:
Colette discovers the second half of Nelly’s note. Together, it leads her to investigate the room Nelly fell from.
ACT 4:
Stakes raised: New recruit Margaret is going to be kicked out of the church if she cannot provide a dowry for the vows. Her abusive boyfriend comes to take her out of the congregation, Colette swears she’ll find a way to get her to stay.
New plan:
Colette discovers a CONFESSION BOOK where Nelly fell, however, it is sister Raymond’s book, not Nelly’s. Leading Colette to believe that Raymond was there when Nelly fell.
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict:
Colette confronts Raymond, demanding to leave the congregation after committing an unforgivable sin.
***Note: How Augustine is dealt with is still TBD***
ACT 5:
Conclusion:
Colette uses the next Sunday sermon to raise money in Nelly’s honor and clears her name. Colette is raised back to her original status.
Twist:
Colette discovers that Nelly has been collecting articles about the murders of girls from the congregation. Including the disappearance of Colette’s sister from childhood. Father Kinsley has been arrested and is a suspect for these girls.
Overwhelmed, Colette runs to the forest, where she discovers sister Raymond’s dead body. She now has to watch the new girls take their vows, knowing that this place isn’t safe.
END OF EPISODE
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Hey everyone! I am wondering if anybody has the sheet with the genre conventions written out?
Thanks!
Zenna
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Zenna Davis-Jones 4-Act Structure
Note: This is an hour-long television script, so I follow a 5 act structure with a teaser.
What I learned is that the repercussions for my protagonist after the mid-point can be heightened.
A: GENRE – Drama, thriller
B: TITLE – Obedience
C: HIGH CONCEPT: A devout sister must find a way to get her and her fellow sisters to safety after discovering their charming priest is using their congregation to fulfill his own wicked desires.
D: MAIN CONFLICT: Colette discovers father Kinsley has been murdering girls he’s recruited into the congregation, just as she has indoctrinated a bunch of new recruits into the church.
D con’t: MAIN CONFLICT OF EPISODE: Colette’s best friend, Nelly, falls out the window. Colette has to prove it wasn’t suicide to permit her friend a funeral. The guilt Colette feels over her friend’s death causes her to make the congregation look bad and gets her demoted. She must fight to regain her status and God’s love.
TEASER: Little Margot is at the grocery story with her mom when her teddy bear goes missing. She sees a man holding it and follows him. He leads her outside to a river. She ends up drowning. As he drags her body away, she wakes up slightly, he hits her over the head killing her.
ACT 1:
Inciting incident: The new recruits arrive at the church, sister Colette has been given the high honor of teaching them until they take their vows to join the congregation. Despite her excitement, her mute friend Nelly freaks out when the recruits come, they get in a fight.
Turning point:
As sister Colette is showing the new recruits around, her closest friend at the congregation, sister Nelly, falls off the building. When Colette goes over to help her, she discovers a note in Nelly’s hand.
ACT 2:
New Plan:
Kinsley blames Colette for letting negative energies into the building. Colette decides to pursue training the girls harder and whipping herself as punishment to get back into God’s light.
Plan in action:
She gets the biggest secrets from the recruits and relays them to father Kinsley. She whips herself.
Note: As she is whipping herself a rat that Nelly fed keeps on appearing, leading her to believe that this is the devil that possessed Nelly.
Midpoint:
During a big sermon with the townsfolk, Colette kills the rat she believes is the incarnation of the devil.
Act 3:
React/Rethink:
Guards take Colette out of her room in the middle of the night, she is about to be sent away but she begs Kinsley to let her stay.
Colette is demoted to the laundry room for her behavior. She sits in the shame of what she’s done to the congregation. But she learns that Nelly’s death counts as a suicide and therefore she will not receive a funeral. Colette knows in her heart this isn’t true.
New plan:
Colette acts as good as she can, wanting to melt away into a wallflower. She must find a way to clear Nelly’s name.
Turning point:
Colette discovers the second half of Nelly’s note. Together, it leads her to investigate the room Nelly fell from.
**Note: This note/clue can be made stronger
ACT 4:
Climax/Ultimate Expression of the Conflict:
Colette discovers that it was sister Raymond who pushed Nelly out the window. She confronts her to leave the congregation after committing an unforgivable sin.
Push to 5: Colette forces sister Raymond to leave the congregation.
Climax: Colette discovers Kinsley has been killing women.
ACT 5:
Conclusion: Colette uses the next Sunday sermon to raise money in Nelly’s honor, and clears her name. Colette is raised back to her original status.
Twist:
Colette discovers that Nelly had been collecting articles about the murders of girls from the congregation. Father Kinsley has been arrested, and is a suspect for these girls.
Overwhelmed, Colette runs to the forest, where she discovers sister Raymond’s dead body. She now has to watch the new girls take their vows, knowing that this place isn’t safe.
END OF EPISODE
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PITCH:
GENRE: Drama, thriller
TITLE: Obedience
HIGH CONCEPT: A devout sister must find a way to get her and her fellow sisters to safety after discovering their charming priest is using their congregation to fulfill his own wicked desires.
MAIN CONFLICT: Colette discovers father Kinsley has been murdering girls who try to leave the convent, just as she has indoctrinated a bunch of new recruits.
TRANSFORMATIONAL JOURNEY: After years of indoctrination, Colette learns to think for herself and that she is capable of achieving what she sets out to do.
OPPOSITION: Father Kinsley. As well as, the belief system instilled by the congregation and her own shame and guilt.
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Zenna Davis-Jones
One short film and one rough draft of a webseries.
3. A very polished pilot script that I am proud of. A foundation on re-writing that I can transfer to future work.
4. I had a crush on one of the aliens from Monster Jam.
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Zenna Davis Jones.
I agree to the terms of this release fome.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hey Chris! I’ll exchange with you! Please send your outline to zenna.aviden@gmail.com
Let me know where I can send mine to!
Zenna
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Great! Thanks Deanne! Lets do it! I will send along my outline tomorrow along with the notes I’m looking for. The timeline for Saturday is great. Please send the outline to zenna.aviden@gmail.com
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Hey Deanna, I could swap outlines with you?? I’m doing a pilot, so if you feel comfortable looking over that I’d love to begin!
Z
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Great question, thank you!
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Thanks Lora!
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Thank you Deanne! Got it!
Z
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Lora! Thanks for reading and offering your insight! Yes, there are more details about Raymond and Kinsley however, I wasn’t sure where to include it in my outline or how many details to give! But I will go over that to make it more clear. Appreciate it!