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Lesson 7
Reply to post your assignment.
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9 Replies
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For Rita's Scene from Session 6 Double the Quality exercise – QE 1
First…. I am a novelist at screenwriting. I started 14 months ago on this training. So, I can only go by the QE Mastery Sheet guide, versus real experience you and others have had at producing films, etc.
I like your out-of-the-box approach to using a circus as a front company. And I learned a new word—“Kerfuffle!”
I felt your subtext of Robert trying to molest a child as a form of celebration that would be isolated to him where others (the audience) would be appalled was a clever twist of portrayal. Robert is shown as a smooth operator when it comes to little girls as a clown, particularly using the darkness to mask his true appearance. His low self-esteem came through as depicted in his attire of raggedy clown hat and suit. He tried to deflect blame, in the form of gossip, for the ruckus in the last town by casting the attempt to sabotage Trent’s operations on someone else. Unfortunately, the incriminating bundle of cash undermined his alibi in the clandestine/secretive manner he had attempted to use in the last town.
Trent was the head man in a conspiracy with the other clowns in whatever nefarious operation they were running….like money laundering. Clearly, Trent’s aggressive reaction toward Robert is very noticeable throughout the scene, particularly since he was trying to keep the police’s attention from focusing on his hidden operation (in being meticulous), if Robert molested the little girl. Trent carrying himself as wealthy is abundant in how he sets up his office as a man of vision and has done well for himself. It also is a reflection of being needy and uses this to boost his self-esteem which is what he sort of has in common with Robert. Trent at the end of the day uses Robert as a front man for the operation and continues to step on Robert’s low self-esteem (of himself). By controlling Robert by force Trent keeps Robert in the poor house at Robert’s own expense.
Thoughts: A) Perhaps the celebration could have been expanded to reflect the girl’s birthday was being celebrated at the circus and she had balloons in tow to give the audience more atmospherics of a celebration. B) As I understood for the exercise, we were to write one scene. I do not know if transitioning from one location to three separate locations to constitute one scene though. That is a question to raise with Hal. I know in my scene I pushed the envelope and my final draft I have at the very end a second location outside from my initial scene, but then I suppose upon reflection I may have dwelled into several scenes around the same room in my own scene I composed.
Great job!
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This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Mark napier.
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This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Mark napier.
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This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Mark napier.
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This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by Mark napier.
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This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by
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Mary’s notes on Rita’s scene.
I like that Trent was clearly aggressive, and also meticulous. We see he’s conspiring at the end.
I liked Trent’s subtext of pretending to be richer than he was. I liked the inventive settings. Going past the lions who smelled the blood had some fun suspense. I think you added that in the re-do, and I liked that addition. The fancy office was a surprise, and fit with Trent’s meticulous nature. Trent certainly was aggressive. I like how you wrapped it up at the end to make it clear Robert had been conspired against and betrayed. Good job!
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This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Mary Albanese.
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This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by
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It was clear that Trent was needy, conspiring, and pretending to be wealthier than he was. Robert was clearly gregarious, smooth, secretive, and I really liked his gossiping.
I really enjoyed the opening setting with the combative sea creatures on the wall locked in mortal combat. It set up this combative scene nicely. You fit in a number of fun interest techniques – betrayal, uncertainty (if Trent would make it to the toilet), some suspense if Trent would get caught and called out, cool setting, and some intrigue about how Robert was going to roll on Trent. T I thought the ending was really funny, and the fabrize line set it off well. Nice job!-
This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by Mary Albanese.
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This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by
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Rita's Exchange with Mary's FIRST QE SCENE – SECOND DRAFT
I went about the feedback a little differently…Well done! I added the traits and QE techniques I found in parentheses. I'm not sure you even need the poison part. I think there's enough intrigue and switch ups already. Good use of subtext to show the traits.
INT. SWANKY RESTERAUNT – NIGHT
The law firm hosts their annual Christmas party. People speak in excited but hushed whispers.SECRETARY
Smith left the firm with no warning? They’ll have to pick a new senior partner. Who will it be?Who, indeed. As people wonder, they steal discrete looks at the man standing alone in the center of the room in the immaculate Armani suit, TRENT. (meticulous, uses others' money to look rich)
One man cuts through the crowd towards Trent. This is new-hire ROBERT, who charms people with jokes and pats them on the back as he weaves his way to Trent. Once he gets there: (gregarious)
ROBERT
See how they’re looking at you? You’ve got it in the bag, Trent. And everyone here knows it. (gossip)TRENT
I told you, Robert. You were a wise man to agree to be my assistant. I go up the ladder, you go with me. (aggressive, needy)ROBERT
Exactly, boss. Why flub up cases on my own when I can learn so much from shadowing a brilliant mind like yours? (smooth)TRENT
Just don’t forget to get my deposit back from the rental place when you tell them the suit didn’t fit me. (uses others' to look rich)ROBERT
See? I’m learning so much already. Let’s toast. To success! (smooth, gregarious)Robert grabs a champagne goblet from a waiter. Robert stumbles.
TRENT
Don’t be a klutz. That reflects badly on me. (meticulous, aggressive)ROBERT
Sorry, boss. Just my stupid trick knee again.Robert hunches over the drink, his back to Trent. Is Robert messing with the champagne? (suspense, mystery, intrigue)
Robert hands Trent the champagne. Grabs another goblet from a waiter for himself.
ROBERT
Here’s to the best man making partner!They clink glasses and drink. Trent scowls at the taste.
ROBERT
You’re right — it tastes like cheap stuff. Hey, I know where they keep the good stuff. Come on, let’s go! You know you deserve it. (Sneaky, was that one of the traits?)Trent nods, pleased. He follows Robert down a long corridor. To a dark back room. Robert holds the door open for Trent. (intrigue)
ROBERT
After you, boss.Trent stumbles into the dark room. He grabs a bottle from the shelf.
Robert follows him in and flips a switch. Behind Robert’s back… is that some kind of stick? (suspense)
INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
Trent sees the bottle he holds isn’t wine, it’s rat poison. This is no wine storage room, the room’s lined with large bins of medical waste. (shock)Trent YELPS as he drops the bottle.
TRENT
Where are we? I’m so dizzy…Robert moves towards Trent. It’s not a stick he holds, it’s a BASEBALL BAT. (sudden shift)
TRENT
Robert? Dammit, you tell me what’s going on right now!ROBERT
You thought you were so smart, making me do your dirty work to force Smith out. Making me do ALL your work. Did you actually think I LIKE being your step-and-fetch-it boy? Just because my L-SAT scores were lower than yours? (insecure)TRENT
I’ve been helping you. You’re barely qualified to…ROBERT
Wrong! I have the same degree as you. And you pride yourself on knowing all the facts. But here’s one fact you missed – I have learned so much from you — about getting rid of the competition.Trent struggles to remain upright. He GASPS at the medical waste bins in horror.
TRENT
You… drugged me? And now you want to…Robert smiles like the Mona Lisa as he closes in, his bat held high.
TRENT
No, please! I can’t handle pain. I’m begging you. I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t hurt me. (needy)Robert WHACKS the bat down…
And SMACKS HIMSELF in the face! (whoa, surprise reverse!)
TRENT
What the hell?ROBERT
(wailing)
Please, boss-man. Don’t hit me! Don’t destroy me like you destroyed Smith! (gossip to bring people down)Robert LAUGHS, then SMACKS himself again, a wicked bruise already forming on his face.
TRENT
Wait! Stop! I’m not… I didn’t…ROBERT
Of course, you did. Your plot forced Smith out. It was cleanly crafted. And brutal. But since I knew — and you like things neat and tidy — you had to get rid of me, too. Even though everyone knows how much I’ve worshipped you.Robert WHACKS his own face again. He looks like a punching bag.
TRENT
You’re insane.ROBERT
Am I? This time, I won’t even have to say anything! With all the clues I’ve dropped, once they see my face, they’ll all “know” what you did!TRENT
No! You can’t do that! I’ll be finished!ROBERT
And I will get the sympathy vote. They’ll promote ME to partner. I’ve been a victim my whole life — it’s time for me to finally get mine! (insecure)TRENT
Oh, God, I’m going to be sick. My job. My career. I’ll be ruined! But please, just don’t hurt me. Tell me you’re not going to hurt me.ROBERT
Yeah, I can’t afford to.Robert heads for the door.
TRENT
(whispers)
Thank you, Jesus.ROBERT
At least, not where it shows.Robert FLINGS the bat at Trent’s legs. It SMASHES Trent’s knees — he buckles and falls.
ROBERT
HELP! Trent’s gone crazy and attacked me!Robert RUSHES out. Leaving Trent in a pathetic, sobbing heap.
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Hi, I just posted my rewrite in lesson 6. Can someone exchange feedback with me? I’m a little late to the buffet. THANKS
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Have posted 6, need t0o swap. Kimbal
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I can swap. Let me know, thanks, Savanna
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Logline: Fight in the Cigar Lounge
ESSENCE: One character is lured into a back room where he is beat up
CARL MARSHALL QE 1
INT. PRIVATE CIGAR LOUNGE – NIGHT
Rritzy social club. Jazz hums from old brass speakers. Cigar smoke curls through a gold-tinted chandelier. Leather chairs, single malt on side tables. The room screams power.
AT CENTER: ROBERT (40s), grinning, a silk shirt open at the chest, holding court. He puffs confidently on a cigar, basking in attention. Around him: LAUGHTER, CHEERS, A TOAST.ROBERT [to everyone]
To the man of the hour — Trent, the closest thing
I’ve ever seen to a walking Forbes list!
He gestures to a smug, well-tailored TRENT (30s), hair slicked, watch obnoxiously big. He raises his glass modestly but loves the spotlight.
TRENT
And to Robert — nobody spins a story like this guy.
If Wall Street ever collapses, he’ll sell the fall as performance art.
(LAUGHTER. CLINKING GLASSES.)INT. LOUNGE – LATER
The crowd has thinned. Jazz is low. Robert refills his drink. Trent sidles up.
TRENT
You remember that investment guy I was talking about?
ROBERT
(chuckling)
The Swiss ghost with a Cayman address?
TRENT
Yeah. He’s here. In the back. Wants to talk.
ROBERT
Tonight? …..Yeah let’s talk
TRENT
He’s old school. Doesn’t come out often. Trust me — you’re gonna want to hear this.
A beat. Robert hesitates — he lives for secrets.
ROBERT
(leans in, intrigued)
Let’s meet your phantom financier.
INT. BACK ROOM – MOMENTS LATER
A shadowed room behind a secret sliding door in the cigar lounge. dim light overhead.
No one is inside. Robert steps in first, then turns — slightly confused.
ROBERT
Where’s our money man?
The door SLAMS behind him. Locks. Trent stays by the door, his entire demeanor shifts — no longer flashy and friendly. Now cold. Precise.
TRENT
He doesn’t exist. But something else does. Gossip.
ROBERT
(frozen) What are you—
TRENT
You started it, Robert. The story about me defaulting on the beach property. The one that scared off Northbridge Capital. You knew it wasn’t true.
ROBERT
(casually defensive)
I heard it from three different people. I never said it was definitely you. Gossip is currency, Trent, I just—
TRENT
(firm, stepping closer)
—Cashed out. On me.
A tense silence. Then:
ROBERT
It was nothing personal.
TRENT
That’s the problem. It never is. Until it is.
A sudden SHIFT — Two LARGE MEN emerge from the shadows behind Robert. Before he can turn — they GRAB him.
ROBERT
Whoa, hey—Hey! Trent!
TRENT
This is personal now.
Robert STRUGGLES, but the goons pin his arms. Trent watches as a punch lands deep into Robert’s gut. Robert gasps, dropping to his knees. Another hit. To the gut .
TRENT
You gave people permission to doubt me.
ROBERT
(choking, blood in his mouth)
You’re overreacting—
TRENT
overreacting, overreacting.
Trent kneels beside him,
TRENT
Tell the next lie carefully,
Trent rises, snaps his fingers. The goons DROP Robert. He slumps to the floor, gasping.
TRENT (CONT’D)
Let this room be what it always was — the place
where truths are… clarified.
He walks out. The door closes behind him, leaving Robert alone, broken, in gloom. -
Kimbal RE Savanna:
Savanna's rewrite of first SU Creative Mastery assignment
INT. A shooting range, November. Thanksgiving decorations are hung up offering free beers and free shooting all week that headlines: “GIT BUZZED & BRUISED FREE”
TRENT enters shooting range carrying a golden handgun where ROBERT is priming a hunting rifle. Robert’s low self-esteem with bigger gun
TRENT
Jess said you hang here sometimes. Free shootin for Thanksgiving, that’s why you here?
Conspiring
ROBERT
I’m practicing for huntin season. Starts next week. What kinda fancy glock you got there?
Smooth
(Clearly ROBERT is enamored with TRENT’S gun and cannot divert his eyes)
TRENT
It’s made of 14 karat. Never misses, rarely jams. ‘Case I’m in a gunfight or somethin.
Conspiring & with Golden Gun
ROBERT
You expectin to be? That’s pricey. Bullets must cost a mint. You chasin’ a bounty?
TRENT
Maybe. I don’t bother with the riffraff, that’s my motto. Only spend on what matters. I’m goin to the quieter range in the back there. Wanna see how good it fires? Conspiring
ROBERT
Yeah I do. Heard you in hock up to your gills for all your shiny toys, that true? Subtext for gossip to take down.
TRENT
Sounds like somethin’ you’d start spreadin yourself. (has Robert’s subtext)
ROBERT follows TRENT into the back range room eyeing the gun, like a dog following a raw streak to the grill. (Trent lures Robert with his “Golden Gun”)
ROBERT
You ever lend it? I could never afford that. Low self-esteem
TRENT
Only at the range. But you caint go droppin it and bust it.
ROBERT
You still sore over that? That was high school dude. Get over it. That’s why you don’t come to my class reunion shindigs?
TRENT
Some things a man don’t forget. needy
ROBERT
Jeez dude. It wasn’t a golden statue or nothin.
TRENT
It was our team’s trophy. Meant a lot. I had just polished it. Meticulous & Needy
ROBERT
Let it go man. You can’t be Captain forever. You was so full of yourself, ya know. All the time I used to hear Chrissy and Lulu complainin ‘bout how arrogant you was.
TRENT
You blabbed all over town that I balled about the trophy you broke, douche.
ROBERT
You did cry all night. Missed graduation even.
TRENT
Don’t mean you gotta make me look like a sissy. (Needy)
ROBERT
But you are one. Ha! C’mon let’s start fresh.
ROBERT offers his hand to TRENT for a reconciliation handshake.
TRENT
Ain’t shakin’ your nasty hand. I seen you wackin off all during school, morning, noon and nighttime. Probably still are since you can’t find anyone to live with ya. Conspiring
ROBERT
Fuck you. At least I ain’t stuck with your gal.
TRENT
Jess told me you talk smack about her. I want you to quit it.
ROBERT
She butt-uggly. She’s b-ugly. You tap that? Must be desperate.
TRENT
Go to hell.
ROBERT
Ladies first.
TRENT
(places earmuffs on and uses handgun to demolish the paper target at end of range with precision)
ROBERT
Dang.
TRENT
Wanna try it big boy?
ROBERT
Sure.
(places earmuffs on and uses Trent’s handgun to shoot the paper target, poorly)
TRENT
Ha! Ain’t so hot after all is ya?
ROBERT
Has a kick to it. Look, ya know I’m sorry for talkin’ shit. Just makes life interestin.
TRENT
(ignoring the apology) Give it to me. You probably went and done jammed it.
ROBERT hands him the gun back sheepishly.
TRENT takes his gun back from ROBERT and pistol whips him with it. Aggressive
ROBERT drops to floor.
TRENT
Don’t be sayin’ nothin bout my wife, dick.
END OF SCENE
• This reply was modified 3 days, 5 hours ago by savanna jackson.
Got back Robert at Robert’s expense. I was hoping this was going to get into a real shooting match after Trent’s further taunting Robert’s low self-esteem, maybe his partner or lack of?-
This reply was modified 4 days, 19 hours ago by Kimbal Thompson.
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This reply was modified 4 days, 19 hours ago by
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