Lesson 10

[Mark napier]

Scene Assignment QE #2: (Double the Quality)

What did I learn? I learned that a lot of preparation in understanding the scene setup comprises of many details that makes 2/3rds of the time in preparation and 1/3rd of the time is actually writing the scene.

LOGLINE: When an informant strongly suspects his handler is a double agent for an arms dealing syndicate he has penetrated; a face-to-face standoff for the truth is in order.

ESSENCE: Nick and John are on the heels of a physical altercation when John believes Nick is a double agent for an arms dealer, he himself serves as an informant against and needs to know if his cover is blown.

SCENE: EXT – RAFFLES DOHA, SIX STAR LUXURY HOTEL – BALCONY – QATAR – DAY
DESCRIPTION: John (informant) agrees to meet Nick (DIA agent) in his luxurious suite on the 35th floor of the ‘Six Star Luxury Hotel’ to discuss strange events that have placed his life in jeopardy as he believes Nick may be on the verge of exposing him as an informant to the arms dealer, Akram.

SERIES OF SHOTS: The Katara Towers is known as the Lusail Kantara Twin Towers luxury hotel. An icon architectural landmark shaped like a crescent moon located in the Marina District of Lusail in Qatar. The room is luxuriously decorated with artwork, marble flooring and gold painted wood to reflect wealth. A butler is present for every four rooms at a guest’s beckoning call. John and Nick are standing outside on the inviting balcony at arm’s length from one another and are on the brink of a major knock down drag out fight that could end in death for one of them. (Interesting Setting)

JOHN

Standing with hands on hips leaning toward Nick as if about to tackle him.

I want to know who you really are working for? (Distrustful)

I got word from inside that Akram has a new guy working for him! (Intrigue)

BEAT

He’s aware that he has an informant inside his own organization! (Intrigue) (Betrayal)

BEAT

I don’t know if he knows it’s me yet? But I hope for your sake it’s not true! (Distrustful) (Daring) (Betrayal) (Setup/Surprise)

This is why I like working alone…. It’s safer. (Loner)

NICK

Standing with his hands in front in a self-defensive stance, he speaks softly.

Nooooo!

Don’t lose it now because of a little pressure! (Giving) (Conniving)

JOHN

May I remind you I too have connections?! (Trick)

I recognized your secure phone number that was intercepted by NSA. (Distrustful) (Intrigue) (Setup/Surprise)

The transmission was from a syndicate-controlled area in Herat, Afghanistan at the time Akram was visiting. (Intrigue) (Setup/Surprise)

Are you a double agent? (Distrustful) (Loyal)

NICK

Smiling as if he has the perfect answer.

I just happened to be aboard a US military reconnaissance aircraft that was flying over the area. (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Conniving)

I also just so happened to place a call coincidently at the time Akram was in the area. (Confident) (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear)

You are not the only one with connections! (Confident)

JOHN

His anger increasingly reflected in his body swaying back and forth.

Answer me this!!!

How did Akram know about the informant’s past trips to Qatar? (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Suspense)

How did he find out that the informant is an Afghan orphaned refugee from the days of Soviet occupation?
(Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Suspense)

How did Akram learn information that you were privileged to? (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear) (Intrigue)

BEAT

Akram says he has someone on the inside! (Intrigue)
Meaning … the Intelligence Community? (Betrayal)

NICK

How does the syndicate know they have an informant in the first place? (Conniving) (Suspense)

JOHN

With an accusing facial expression. (Betrayal)

That’s a great question! So, I asked my NSA contact to run your ops cell number to find out. (Suspense)

They came up with an interesting connection to a senior Iranian Intelligence officer. (Intrigue) (Suspense)

BEAT

I am still waiting for more feedback. (Suspense)

Nick is visibly surprised. (Uncertainty – Hope/Fear)

And then I asked my CIA contact to run the bank accounts from the Akram’s finance guy we wrapped up a month ago in Europe. (Intrigue)

I tasked him to see if the 10 bank accounts loaded with millions the finance guy managed had links to offshore accounts with ties to accounts here in Qatar. (Setup/Surprise)

You seem to take a lot of trips to Qatar! (Betrayal) (Intrigue) (Suspense)

NICK
Glaring at John.

Look here!

The CIA may have assets operating in the area too who are reporting intelligence. (Conniving)

It could very well be one of theirs that is in the crosshair and not you! (Conniving) (Mislead/Reveal)

You’re getting all bent out of shape for nothing. (Conniving)

JOHN

You could be right. But….

I took the initiative, however, to create two ‘night letter’ operations as red herrings. (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense)

I wanted to see if the syndicate reported what I fed to them back through to you directly … (Mislead/Reveal) (Intrigue)

… or if what I reported to you made its way back to Akram. (Mislead/Reveal) (Intrigue)

Would you like to know the results? (Intrigue) (Mislead/Reveal) (Suspense)

NICK

I suppose you’re about to tell me I made a mistake in falling for it? (Setup/Surprise)

JOHN

Why Nick?

I was loyal to you and the cause…the mission! (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense) (Loyal)

Why did you do it? (Setup/Surprise) (Suspense)

NICK

You’re right! (Suspense) (Mislead/Reveal)

I did it for the money…the rush. (Rebellious)

I got tired of dancing to everyone else’s’ tune. (Rebellious)

Your night letter op worked too good apparently.
(Showing his worst side) (Mislead/Reveal)

BEAT

JOHN

Up to this point Nick…. (Setup/Surprise)

I did not know. … I wasn’t completely sure it was you. (Mislead/Reveal)

I made the whole night letter operation up. (Major Twist) (Trick) (Daring)

John is standing nose to nose with Nick having just obtained the truth.

One of us is going over that balcony! (Daring)

NICK

Steaming, he sarcastically slightly bows with a gesture of his hand to go first.

Please. After you! (Giving) (Conniving)

It’s just one loose end to tie up. (Confident)
FADE OUT

• This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Mark napier.
• This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Mark napier.

[Rita Roberts]

Rita's QE Cycle 2 – Scene 2

What I learned:
-It's very useful to focus on traits for the first draft, then build in more depth with interest techniques on subsequent passes.

-It doesn't actually take a lot of words or set up too add the interest techniques. Just a few twists, here and there.

-Not double quality but improved.

-The video critique gave me ideas which made me aware that I understand the ITs a little more at this stage.

-I'm not sure if my way of using subtext and implication makes the intentions of the characters and the scene clear to other people.

LOGLINE: When John repairs the rotted boards on the church alter, he discovers Pastor Nick's secret dealings.

ESSENCE: No "good deed" goes unpunished.

INT. CHAPEL – DAY
JOHN (30s) assesses a panel of water damage on the church's ornately carved alter. Carpenter's equipment lays neatly on a tarp. He buckles his tool belt and kneels with crowbar ready to go.

NICK (50s) stands behind him to watch. He adjust the little rectangle of a white collar on his black shirt.

John stops mid-pry of a warped board to look over his shoulder.

JOHN
This is gonna take a while. Don't let me keep you from your duties.

Nick moves to the alter and takes the communion chalice out of its gold and glass case.

NICK
I was just… this needs to be washed before Sunday. Will you be done by then?

John lays the crowbar back in its place in the row of tools. He stands tall and strong next to a smaller Nick with his far less physical vocation.

JOHN
Depends.

NICK
I mean, it's a big job for one person. Do you have a helper coming?

JOHN
Nope. Just me. Do you have a helper?

Nick points to bloody, broken body of Christ on the cross.

NICK
Just the big guy.

John rolls his eyes and opts for a less quiet sawzall.

JOHN
I work fast.

NICK
I still see your mom on Sundays, but not you.

JOHN
Correct. I am fully aware of your method of redeeming souls.

Nick disappears into his office, adjacent to the alter while John measures his first cuts.

Nick returns with a pamphlet. Offers it to John.

NICK
Mens' group meets on Thursdays.

John makes direct eye contact with Nick, expressionless. He flips the switch on his saw as his answer. The amplified space built for acoustics fills with a loud, electric whine.

NICK
(yells)
Oh my god! You're cutting that out?

Nick sighs and turns the saw off.

JOHN
Unless you'd prefer I cut out something else, then yeah, I am.

NICK
Can't you just sand it or re-carve it or something? It's just that…

Nick paces and manages to put himself between John and the moulding he was hired to replace.

John stands back to take in this behavior. His scrutiny turns up a notch with "keen observer" written all over his furrowed brow.

NICK
I mean, this wall has been here since 1892. And you're just going to… expose it?

JOHN
That's the plan.

Nick quickly shuts his office door, next to John's work area.

He rearranges everything that isn't out of place. Open bibles, candlesticks, all the pristine, churchy stuff. It's a beginner's class in misdirection tactics.

John flips the Bible's oversized pages to a random passage and taps on the pulpit, as if to challenge Nick.

Nick pretends not to notice.

NICK
The ladies' guild will be here any minute and they're not going to like all the noise.

John sweeps his hand toward a staircase.

JOHN
Probably much quieter down there. The board hired me, this is the day they scheduled.

John turns back toward his work.

Nick grabs the flannel of John's work shirt.

NICK
The board didn't run this by me.

He stops. Backs up due to the look John gives him — not a guy who likes the laying on of hands.

Nick raises the sawzall, reminiscent of a weapon and turns it back on, defiant.

JOHN
(over the noise)
I guess the "big guy" okayed it. Isn't that what you used to say?

He slides the buzzing saw through the old wood.

Nick darts around the alter, moves close to John's hulking back, reaches… thinks better of it.

He turns a circle, looks at the door. He might bolt.

John cuts a big hole outside the perimeter of waterlogged wood. Just doing his job.

Sweat drips off Nick's untanned forehead. He tugs at his choking collar. Fidgety is an understatement.

The saw noise reverberates through the chapel like four hundred dental drills boring into his brain.

He makes a break for it and sprints down middle aisle's red carpet.

A shaft of light emblazons the last twenty feet as the front door opens.

Five older women file in, block the door with confusion and worry, hit with noise and their beloved priest barreling toward them.

They form a defensive line far too formidable for this puny, powder-puff tight end.

He's trapped.

The saw noise stops.

Up at the alter, another shaft of light shines through the new opening in the wall shared with Nick's office.

John reaches into the hole.

JOHN
Hello, ladies.

He stands and holds up two bricks of… puff powder.

Nick hides his face in his hands and darts through the side door.

NICK
Party's over, Sheila. I guess Junior doesn't get his operation after all.

Four of the women look at the other, presumably SHEILA. She shrinks by six inches.

The cry room is most appropriate for both of them.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Rita Roberts.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned: It's good to do character traits in the first pass, and then add interest tech in the second. That way I don't get confused and can focus on both things.

LOGLINE: American JOHN and Russian NICK are the only two astronauts about the space shuttle when all-out war looms between their two countries.

ESSENCE: John distrust is the weakness that betrays him.

INT. SPACE STATION – NIGHT

NASA pilot JOHN sits at the helm. Co-pilot NICK (Nikita), a big burly Russian engineer, mans the co-pilot seat. They are the only two people aboard the shuttle.

A light flashes on the helm panel.

JOHN
It’s the aft electrical backup light. It’s not essential, but I should check it. I don’t trust the system without it.

NICK
I will go. I’m here to help. After all, you’re the American hero, here all alone for 100 days before Russia sent me up.

JOHN
I don’t mind the quiet.

NICK
And I am glad to help. I’m good at fixing things. The ship. It’s systems. You won’t find a better engineer anywhere. But that’s not my most important job. I’m here to help build friendship between our two countries.

JOHN
Your main priority? That’s what they told you?

NICK
Yes! My exact orders!

Nick unstraps and floats up.

NICK
It’s almost time to eat. You want I should bring back your dinner while I’m down there?

JOHN
No, I’ll pick it up later.

With a friendly smile, Nick nods, then launches himself out of the command zone.
John’s screen BEEPS. On the screen, Commander PIKE appears.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
Hello, John. What’s your status?

JOHN
Main systems good. Nick just went down aft to check on one of the back-up systems.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
He’s not there? Good. Look, we have a situation. We’ve just learned that Russia is about to attack the US. Full scale war is imminent. We need the Russian communication satellites disabled. And Nick would have those codes – he built the damn array. John, it’s vital that we get those codes. We’ve debated the best way for you to handle getting them from him, and…

JOHN
Say no more. Whatever it takes, I will… handle it.

John ends the call. He gathers his thoughts. With a heavy sigh…
He flips his screen back on. It shows Nick closing an electrical wall panel.

JOHN
Ship to ship comm. Nick, how’s it going down there?

NICK (ON SCREEN)
A minor glitch. Am re-setting the electrical panel now.

JOHN
I’m getting another warning light. It says there’s a fault with the emergency escape capsule.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Panel says it’s good.

JOHN
Not the connections, the fault is INSIDE the escape capsule. Yeah, I know it’s a pain to get inside that capsule, but you are right there.

Behind Nick is the emergency escape capsule, a small pod with a tiny round portal window hatch. Nick frowns at it. The hatch looks barely large enough for his chunky body to get through.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Okay, I will go in there and check it out.

On the screen, John sees Nick go to the capsule and crank open the hatch. Then Nick prepares to squeeze his body through it. Clearly, it’s going to be a tight fit.

John sighs. And floats out the command section.

INT. AFT SECTION – DAY?
John floats into the aft section. He sees Nick’s legs awkwardly disappear into the escape capsule.

John FLINGS himself towards the capsule. He grips the round portal door… and SLAMS IT SHUT.
As he locks the hatch, he sees Nick’s shocked face through the glass window hatch.

NICK
John? What are you doing? Is this a joke?

JOHN
No joke. Look, Nick. I need the codes for the Russian communication satellite system. I can’t tell you why. And don’t say you don’t have them.

NICK
Let me out!

JOHN
Can’t do that, Nick. I hate this, but… give me those codes or I can’t let you out.

NICK
But we’re friends!

JOHN
My country comes first.

NICK
John, please!

JOHN
They say a human body can go two weeks without food. But only two days without water. Don’t make me do this, Nick. Give me those codes. I don’t want you to die in there. Listening to your rumbling stomach as your organs shut down one by one. I don’t want that for you.

NICK
I don’t want to be a traitor. But you give me no choice. The codes… they are…
xyz1238.

JOHN
Good. I’ll let you out once that’s confirmed. Thank you, Nick. I really didn’t want to have to do it. You’ve got to believe me. I hope someday you’ll understand.

NICK
(sad)
I’m afraid I do.

A loud HISSING sounds.

JOHN
What’s that?

NICK
The air. It’s venting from the ship.

JOHN
How? We have to stop it!

NICK
“We?” I am sorry, my friend. I control the ship’s air-flow from here. I hot-wired the system. And now, you have left me no choice. You could have just asked if there was a problem. But I feared you would not. Distrust is your weakness.

JOHN
But you’re locked in! You’ll die without me.

NICK
I have drill.

JOHN
(gasps for air)
When did you set all this up?

NICK
First day on space ship.

JOHN
(gasps harder)
But your mission! To build trust between our countries!

NICK
My friend, I am Russian. You think Russian man follows every order?

Nick sadly watches through the round window as John gasps for breath… and dies.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  Mary Albanese.

[savanna]

Double Quality QE assignment 2

What I learned is that writing from character motivates me to find structure and I learned that I could flesh out the setting after I had some bare bones on the page.

LOGLINE: John seeks to solve the puzzle of why certain livestock wins consistently at the annual Ohio State Fair, which influences the prices on the Chicago Mercantile Exchange for livestock.

ESSENCE: On his own turf, cocky good ole boy is tricked by educated second generation Italian guy.

SCENE:  
EXT. Parking lot near livestock cages at Ohio State Fair.

A large sign announces GRAND OPENING: OHIO STATE FAIR. THIS WEEKEND.

NICK is seen quietly disabling a security camera and entering the caged area prepared for livestock to be herded into. He begins to fiddle with the latches of the gates and looks around to see if anyone is watching him. (intrigue)

JOHN is seen in his car near the livestock cages, where he looks in his car mirrors to make sure no one is around and then adjusts a wire on his chest and buttons up his shirt quickly. He texts “Going in” on his phone. The recipient of the text is “CHICAGO.” He gets out of his car and we see the large sign for the fair announcing the prize money for winning in CATTLE, HOGS, CHICKENS. (superior position, intrigue)

NICK
(startled) John, what are you doing here?
JOHN
Came to check out the setup. Make sure it’s not tampered with like last year. (distrustful) (intrigue, suspense)
NICK
Paranoia will destroy-ya. (conniving) (hope)
JOHN
Just want to make sure my hogs have a chance this time. (distrustful) (fear) (intrigue)
NICK
I don’t know how yours escaped last year, not my doing. Trust me. (confident) (hope) (mislead) (intrigue)
JOHN
About as far as I can throw you. (distrustful) (fear)
NICK
My pigs won every year since 1975. You’re just jelly. (confident) (hope)
JOHN
No, but I’m curious how that happens, year after year. (distrustful) (set up)
NICK
By knowing what we’re doing. Been farming in Ohio since before your relatives left Sicily, Senor Giovanni. (confident, conniving) (fear) (surprise)
JOHN
You can leave my origins out of it. I’m proud of being a son of Italy. We know a thing or two about farming. (loyal, daring) (hope) (set up)
NICK
Do you now? (conniving) (intrigue)
JOHN
Yeah, ever had prosciutto or salami? (loyal) (reveal)
NICK
There’s no demand for foreign meats in the heartland here. (conniving) (fear)
JOHN
I have connections to markets in Brooklyn for my pigs. Heard you have connections yourself, to the Chicago futures, so you make sure your pigs bring the best prices by winning here every summer. (distrustful) (intrigue, suspense) (set up)
NICK
You accusing me of something? (conniving) (fear)
JOHN
Nah. Just letting you know you don’t intimidate me. (daring) (hope)
NICK
What do I care about the market? I’m here for the ribbons and prize money, which I donate anyway, along with the animals. (conniving, giving) (intrigue, hope)
JOHN
Right. Then why don’t you care about the potential of your cattle too? They’re better raised than your hogs. And prizes bring attention to your stock in Chicago. (daring) (set up)
NICK
Just don’t want to spread myself thin. (conniving) (hope)
JOHN
Or you use them as bargaining chips with other farmers entering the fair. You all decide whose livestock will win so everybody gets something. You got it all rigged, don’t you? (daring, loner) (reveal)
NICK
You’re giving me too much credit. I wasn’t handed an expensive degree from Ag College back East like you were. Don’t need no education to farm. (rebellious) (set up)
JOHN
Your loss. They teach ethics at Ag College. Might have helped you. (daring) (reveal)
NICK
I live by my own rules. Always have. (rebellious)
(Pause.)
You gonna enter your hens this year? (conniving) (set up)
JOHN
I knew you’d ask that.
NICK
Huh?
JOHN
You know Chicago just started trading poultry futures. (daring) (reveal)
NICK
Is that right?
JOHN
Please.
NICK
Well, you can have all the poultry prizes John, all you want. What do I want to do with that? My sons don’t want to raise them. (conniving, confident, giving) (set up)
JOHN
I don’t have family to weigh me down. (loner) (set up)
NICK
Oh yeah, forgot. Heard you prefer animals, even though I know you’re sweet on Katerina at the library. (conniving) (reveal) (surprise) (fear)
JOHN
What are you saying?
NICK
Just telling you what people talk about out here. (conniving)
JOHN
(shocked) Disgusting. I don’t do anything weird with animals. That’s a Gringo thing as far as I can tell. And leave Katerina out of this. (loyal) (hope)
NICK
I could take up for you if you was a team player. Could stop those rumors easily, make sure it gets back to her ears that you’re not a perv. I halted the gossip about Phil last year, about his crack habit. (conniving, giving, confident). Then he was able to get hitched and he aint lonely no more.
JOHN
Phil, who won for cattle?
NICK (smiling)
Yeah, same one. What a coinidink. (conniving) (set up) (mislead)
JOHN
Is it?
NICK
You do the math. (conniving) (reveal) (betrayal)
JOHN
(looks at smart watch and presses button)
Stopped recording. Your game’s over Nick. Either you’re gonna stop manipulating the prizes here at the State Fair, or I’m gonna beat you up, Sicilian style, or both. I’m wired for Chicago. They heard every word. (daring) (reveal) (hope)
NICK
You work for the Exchange in Chicago? You’re another damn foreigner taking American jobs. You need to be deported.
JOHN
Ha! I grew up here! And I got the job with a degree from an American school. No one wanted to study Ag Economics, so they convinced me and I worked hard and did the whole program. And now I’m promoting what’s right. Not that you know the difference between right and wrong, living by your own rules. (Surprise, Dramatic Irony)
NICK
(turns his back to John to pull out a knife)
End of scene.

• This reply was modified 6 days, 22 hours ago by  savanna jackson.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Scene Assignment QE #2: (Double the Quality)

What did I learn? I learned that a second pass can really bring the writing to life. i added more detail to the script which i think helped.

LOGLINE: a corrupt cop finds an ex-con he just recently ripped off standing in his home with a gun to his wife's head.

ESSENCE: The negotiation between the two is the key, the give and take of information.

EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE – NIGHT.

JOHN, a corrupt cop who lives life on the razor’s edge, busts down the door.
Standing in the living room is junkie ex-con, NICK, who holds a sawed-off double barrel shotgun to John’s wife’s head.
John stops when he sees the shotgun nestled against his wife’s ear. (Suspense)

NICK
Slow your roll J, anyone else joining the party?

JOHN
You know I work alone. This is between you and I. Know one else needs to be privy to our conversation.

NICK
Where’s the money John! Where’s the money you jacked from my crew?

JOHN
Gone. I gambled it away.

NICK
Gambled it away! It was 125 G’s.

JOHN
What can I say, it was a bad run. Besides, it wasn’t my money.

NICK
That’s bad news. Real bad news for the Misses, here. (Uncertainty – fear)
John begins to laugh to himself. He holds a hand to his mouth to cover it up. (Character Changes radically)
The hostage, John’s WIFE looks concerned, even more so than before.
Nick’s eyelid twitches and he pushes the gun against her head.

NICK
What…what’s so funny?
John pulls his shit together.

JOHN
You picked the worst day to pull this off. Seriously.
Grinding his teeth, twitchy and confused, Nick spits out.

NICK
Your messing with me cop, trying some sort of mind game?

JOHN
Not at all. This morning I was served divorce papers.
He holds up his hand and slides it into his coat pocket and pulls out some papers. He tosses them on the table.

JOHN
Go ahead, read them.
Nick, get’s a better grip on the shotgun.

NICK
No you read em’.

JOHN
I already have. My wife, the one you have a gun against her head, wants a divorce. Which means I loose my house, part of my pension, and probably my dog.

NICK
The dog? Your going to take the man’s dog!

WIFE
I…I…

NICK
Shut up, no one wants to hear from you.

JOHN
It seems the late night cases, bundles of stolen money and drugs, and my plain just scumbag personality have caught up with me. So, you see the quandary we’re in?

NICK
The quan…what?

JOHN
You have a hostage that you are threatening the life of – and well quiet frankly, I don’t care. (Surprise, Twist, Superior Position)
Nick pauses.

NICK
I’ll blow her head off man!

JOHN
Be my guest.

WIFE
John!
The wife is shaking with adrenaline and fear.

JOHN
Perhaps we can go about this another way.
Nick peers from behind the wife’s head.

JOHN
Perhaps I could shoot her? (Surprise, Twist, Betrayal of wife, Mislead)
The wife’s eyes bulge at this request.

NICK
Wait, you want to shoot her?

JOHN
Yeah, it’s the least I could do for taking the dog.

NICK
You…want to shoot…your own wife?

JOHN
Sure, I mean will an opportunity like this ever come around again? Think about it. I take a shot meant for you and hit her. It happens all the time in hostage situations. (Intrigue)

NICK
Uh..ok..but what happens to me?

JOHN
You did me a solid, so you just run out the back. No harm, no foul.

NICK
No way cop, how do I know you won’t shoot me in the back?

JOHN
You got a shotgun? Keep it trained on me as you make your escape. I’ll say I was overtaken with shock and grief at the death of my wife to give chase. Plus, I will be in the middle of life saving procedures.
John gives Nick a wink.

JOHN
Besides, you ain’t looking so hot. Sweating all over, pale skin. You need a fix. The sooner you let me shoot her, the sooner you can get your fix. Otherwise, we’ll be here all night.
Nick licks his chapped lips. Red and blue lights flicker off his sweaty face as cop cars pull up.

JOHN
Look, you know I’m no saint. I’ve stolen money from drug dealers, been on the payroll for mobsters, and done my fair share of killing. I’m a scumbag just like you. The only difference is, I’m smart enough to have a badge.

NICK
I do this for you and we’re square?

JOHN
You have my word. Now, may I take out my pistol?

NICK
Yeah, but do it slow.
John slowly pulls his heavy revolver from the shoulder holster.

NICK
Okay, because your bitch of a wife is taking the dog, we’re going to do this. But we do it MY way!

JOHN
Whatever you say hoss.
Nick starts to step away from the petrified wife.

JOHN
Hold on there. I need you to secure her while I shoot. Can’t have her running away with multiple bullets in her. The ballistics needs to look clean.
Nick nods in understanding and plants the shotgun back to her head and stands behind her.

JOHN
You ready?
Nick gets a yellow toothed smile. He likes this plan.

NICK
Yeah, shoot the bitch.
John raises the pistol. Down the sight, he can see the scared water filled eyes of his wife. She silently mouths the words of a prayer.
His finger curls around the trigger. (Intrigue)

JOHN
You might want to move your head out of the way.
Nick pulls his head back from behind the wife’s and –
BAM!
A fist sized hole punches through his forehead, he drops. (Betrayal, Twist, Surprise, Reveal, Character changes Radically, Hope)
John rushes over and takes his wife in his arms, with his gun trained on the downed Nick, leads her out.
With tears and blood spatter across her face, she looks at John.

WIFE
Fine you son-of-a-bitch, you can keep the dog.

• This reply was modified 5 days, 22 hours ago by  Jeremy Kirk.
• This reply was modified 4 days, 4 hours ago by  Jeremy Kirk.