[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Scary as Hell Moments

I learned how to plan a scene’s progression. Although I had already written this scene, I will now rewrite it, adding a few things I didn’t do the first time.

EXT. RIVERBOAT PADDLE WHEEL – DAY

Horror Situation: Establishes an Atmosphere of Horror – A CREWMAN tasked to remove a strange seaweed from the PaddleWheel, unaware of the monster lurking in the muddy depths of the river.

• Anxiety – as he tries to remove the seaweed that looks wrong.
• Surprise/Scare – As a muddy tendril reaches for his ankle and pulls him into the water
• Panic – as he tries to get back on deck
• Release – he makes it back to the deck. He makes his way to the stars and starts up.
• Surprise/Scare, as the tendril like an octopus arm slams down on the stair in front of him.
• Fear – He stumbles down the stairs behind him, and the vines on the paddlewheel begin to writhe.
• Dread – The tendril slides down a few stairs, leaving a mud trail. The crewman backs up and grabs the boat hook as a weapon.
• Shock/Scare – Another tendril shoots out of the water and wraps around his waist.
• Anguish – as he is pulled under the water and disappears

EXT. RIVERBOAT PADDLE WHEEL – DAY

CAPTAIN HARLAN GRAVES, late 40s, wears a faded navy or black frock coat with brass buttons dulled by years of river mist. A wide-brimmed hat shades his weathered face, and a neatly knotted cravat peeks from a sweat-stained collar.
He stands with a DECKHAND in his 30s, dressed in a loose, sweat-streaked linen shirt with rolled-up sleeves and patched canvas trousers held up by frayed suspenders. A battered slouch hat shields his eyes from the sun.
Graves points at the paddlewheel, which is covered with a strange seaweed.

CAPTAIN GRAVES
I want the seaweed cleaned off this wheel by the time we’re scheduled to set sail. The neglect it took for this…

DECKHAND
But Captain, I swear these weren’t here this morning. I’ve never seen seaweed like this. It isn’t — natural.

CAPTAIN GRAVES
I don’t want to hear your excuses or your silly superstitions. Now get in the water and do your job, or you won’t have one.

Captain Graves storms off. The deckhand stares at the vines, then at the water; nothing moves. The deckhand turns away, muttering under his breath. He doesn’t want to get near the water.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – LOWER DECK – NIGHT

The paddlewheel looms silent, half-submerged in the dark water. The deckhand crouches at the edge of the deck with his sleeves rolled up, gripping a boat hook. He leans out, snagging a tangle of seaweed on the wheel.

He pulls back, but nothing budges. He pulls harder. The mess gives suddenly, and his foot slips on the wet and slippery deck, causing him to lose his balance. Just as he regains it, a muddy tendril shoots out of the river and wraps around his ankle. He goes down into the river.

He surfaces, coughing on the water he’d swallowed and floundering before he can get back to the deck and haul himself out.
He looks at the water, but there’s nothing but a ripple. He looks at the seaweed, then shakes his head.

CREWMAN
Nope.

He crosses the deck to the stairs and starts up when a huge, muddy tendril slaps down on the stairs above him, blocking his way.

The crewman stumbles back, almost losing his balance. He gets to the deck, but suddenly, the vines covering the paddle wheel start to writhe like a nest of vipers.

The tendril slips down the stairs, leaving a trail of mud and detritus in its wake. The crewman keeps backing up. He grabs the boat hook and brandishes it.

Suddenly, another tendril shoots out of the water and wraps around his waist. He drops the boat hook, flailing his arms as the tendril pulls him under the muddy water. The vines fall off the paddlewheel, and the first tendril withdraws, leaving behind a muddy trail.

There is no sign that anything happened but the mud on the steps and the crewman’s hat bobbing in the gentle waves.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Horror Scare, Release and Creep.

I posted the same scene as my last lesson, with a little rewrite, because I realized that I had most of what this assignment is about in that. A added a scare and release at the very beginning. What I learned from this lesson is that if you are paying attention to all the lessons that came before, you'll realize that as the script progresses, you'll be using more and more of the elements that came before while adding in the specific emotions that each act calls for.

INT. RIVERBOAT – LILITH’S ROOM – NIGHT

Lilith hurriedly goes through her witchy supplies and finds a bag of salt. She grabs a little leather pouch and fills it with salt, then attaches the pouch to her belt.

INT. RIVERBOAT – GIRLS' ROOM – NIGHT

A dim lantern flickers. The river groans beneath the boat, a long, hollow sound.

Lilith stands outside the door to the girls’ quarters. She knocks—three sharp raps.

Silence.

She knocks again.

LILITH
Girls?

Nothing.

INT. RIVERBOAT – GIRL’S ROOM – NIGHT

Lilith steps into the empty room. The bedsheets are crumpled. A shawl lies discarded on the floor. It’s a normal mess from six girls sharing one room.

Suddenly something flies out at her face and screeches. Lilith falls back against the door, closing off her escape. She reaches for the leather pouch on her belt, but then her eyes land on Bella’s parrot.

She chuckles nervously, then walks over to the parrot. She notices the little dishes are empty, and fills the water, then the food with seeds. The parrot happily begins to eat.

LILITH
I bet you know where they are, don’t you.
Lilith sighs. The parrot’s not talking, she walks back to the door.

LILITH

Maybe they’re all topside.

As Lilith approaches the door, she realizes she’s standing in the middle of a muddy puddle. She runs to the door and out into the corridor before she can get her emotions under control.

LILITH
Please, not my ladies.

INT. RIVERBOAT – CORRIDORS – CONTINUOUS

Lilith moves cautiously, quietly. Lanterns swing causing shadows to dance down the long, narrow corridor. She jumps every now and then, when a shadow seems like something more.

At the intersection of another corridor, she stops and plasters herself against the wall. She listens but there is only silence. Cautiously she peeks around the corner and finds the corridor empty.

She exhales, steps forward, and jumps as the boat shifts on the water and lets out a low, guttural moan.

She moves more quickly now, her fear overcoming her need for caution. She finds the stairs leading up to the deck, grasps the railing and begins to slowly move up while staring at the gaping darkness that shadows the top of the stairs. One step up. Then another. And another.

Another step up. Something moves inside that blackness. Then the staircase trembles, and the creature comes into few view just above her. The barely human form drips black water onto the wooden steps. The water rolls down the steps toward Lilith.

A thin gasp escapes her lips and she stumbles/falls back down the stairs, her bag of salt catching on the wood—ripping free from her belt. Unnoticed, it falls and disappears into the space between the steps.

Lilith turns to go back down the corridor, but seaweed hangs from the ceiling, blocking her path. She turns back to the stairs and runs down into the hold.

INT. RIVERBOAT – CARGO HOLD – NIGHT

The lanterns down hear and sparse and darkness pools between the crates of mail and foodstuffs. The crates are stacked high with narrow paths snaking between them.

Lilith weaves her way through them, putting as much distance between herself and the creature as she can.

Suddenly there’s a rustling to her right. Lilith jumps as a rat runs across her path and disappears.

She continues to the back of the hold. She emerges into an open space with a door on the back wall. Lilith runs to it, but it is locked.

A wet squelching comes from behind her. She grabs for her bag of salt, but it’s gone. In a panic, she searches the floor, but there is another squelch.

She turns, but can’t see anything in the dark. So, keeping her back to the wall, she sidles back to the crates and hides in a pool of darkness.

The monster appears, oozing through a narrow pathways between the crates. It flows into the opens space and walks all around it. It approaches Lilith’s hiding place and, when her breath hitches, slaps a hand over her mouth.

The thing shifts, and a misshapen swivels, its hollow sockets fixed on the place she is hiding.
Lilith does not move.

The head turns back. After an eternity, the creature returns to the locked door.
A dripping tendril tries door, but it’s is locked. So it presses its form against the door. The wood groans and bows.

Lilith watches in horror as the monster sort of melts, its form liquefying into blackened sludge that oozed through the cracks, the hinges, the seams, spilling down the other side and into the room beyond.

Lilith sees her chance and makes a run for it, but stops in her tracks by the SCREAMS of her girls.

Lilith runs back and throws herself at the door. She tries the door knob again. Still locked. She pummels, pounds, shaking the handle, kicks the door.

LILITH
(voice tinged with hysteria)
Don’t you touch them. Don’t you dare.

The screams inside don’t stop and Lilith screams in frustration, rage, and desperation.

LILITH
(voice breaking)
You leave my girls alone.

Then, a soft CLICK, and the door swings open beneath Lilith's fists. The screams stop. Slowly Lilith steps inside.

INT. LOCKED ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Her girls huddled in the furthest corner of their cage, crying and trembling.

Lilith sees the monster. It makes a move toward the cage and Lilith launches to place herself between it and her girls.

LILITH

No. I will not let you harm them.

The monster and Lilith face off. Tears fill Lilith’s eyes and spill down her face.

A tendrils of black water stretches toward her. More tears fall. She knows she’s facing death, but she will not move.

The tendril becomes pencil then, and with a feather-light touch, catches a tear on its tip.

The drop clings to the dark liquid. Then it is absorbed into the muddy mass.

After another eternity, the monster backs away and then, with a sickening squelch, dissolves into a slick, black puddle. The puddle slides out the door and is gone.

Lilith gasps as her legs give out and she sits down on the floor. Behind her, the girls continue to sob.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Level 3 Horror Emotions

Wow, this was fun to write. I learned to take my time to build up to the three different emotions here and to lay in some groundwork that would pay off later in the scene. I don't think doing this is easy–it's not. It really takes intense focus. But it certainly is fun, especially if you love writing horror.

INT. RIVERBOAT – LILITH’S ROOM – NIGHT

Lilith hurriedly goes through her witchy supplies and finds a bag of salt. She grabs a little leather pouch and fills it with salt, then attaches the pouch to her belt.

INT. RIVERBOAT – GIRLS' ROOM – NIGHT

A dim lantern flickers. The river groans beneath the boat, a long, hollow sound.
Lilith stands outside the door to the girls’ quarters. She knocks—three sharp raps.

Silence.

She knocks again.

LILITH
Girls?

Nothing.

She hesitates, then pushes the door open. The lanternlight sways, casting long, shifting shadows that cause Lilith to look around in apprehension.

INT. RIVERBOAT – GIRL’S ROOM – NIGHT

The bedsheets are crumpled. A shawl lies discarded on the floor. It’s a normal mess from six girls sharing one room.
That is until Lilith realizes she standing in a puddle of water and mud.

LILITH

No. Please no.

Lilith backs into the corridor and turns.

LILITH
Maybe you’re all topside.

INT. RIVERBOAT – CORRIDORS – CONTINUOUS

Lilith moves cautiously, quietly. Lanterns swing causing shadows to dance down the long, narrow corridor. She jumps every now and then, when a shadow seems like something more.

At the intersection of another corridor, she stops and plasters herself against the wall. She listens but there is only silence. Cautiously she peeks around the corner and finds the corridor empty.

She exhales, steps forward, and jumps as the boat shifts on the water and lets out a low, guttural moan.

She moves more quickly now, her fear overcoming her need for caution. She finds the stairs leading up to the deck, grasps the railing and begins to slowly move up while staring at the gaping darkness that shadows the top of the stairs. One step up. Then another. And another.

A shadow separates from the darkness above her.

Another step up. Something moves inside that blackness. Then the staircase trembles, and the creature comes into few view just above her. The barely human form drips black water onto the wooden steps. The water rolls down the steps toward Lilith.

A thin gasp escapes her lips and she stumbles/falls back down the stairs, her bag of salt catching on the wood—ripping free from her belt. Unnoticed, it falls and disappears into the space between the steps.

Lilith turns to go back down the corridor, but seaweed hangs from the ceiling, blocking her path. She turns back to the stairs and runs down into the hold.

INT. RIVERBOAT – CARGO HOLD – NIGHT
The lanterns down hear and sparse and darkness pools between the crates of mail and foodstuffs. The crates are stacked high with narrow paths snaking between them.

Lilith weaves her way through them, putting as much distance between herself and the creature as she can.
Suddenly there’s a rustling to her right. Lilith jumps as a rat runs across her path and disappears.
She continues to the back of the hold. She emerges into an open space with a door on the back wall. Lilith runs to it, but it is locked.

A wet squelching comes from behind her. She grabs for her bag of salt, but it’s gone. In a panic, she searches the floor, but there is another squelch.
She turns, but can’t see anything in the dark. So, keeping her back to the wall, she sidles back to the crates and hides in a pool of darkness.
The monster appears, oozing through a narrow pathways between the crates. It flows into the opens space and walks all around it. It approaches Lilith’s hiding place and, when her breath hitches, slaps a hand over her mouth.

The thing shifts, and a misshapen swivels, its hollow sockets fixed on the place she is hiding.
Lilith does not move.

The head turns back. After an eternity, the creature returns to the locked door.

A dripping tendril tries door, but it’s is locked. So it presses its form against the door. The wood groans and bows.

Lilith watches in horror as the monster sort of melts, its form liquefying into blackened sludge that oozed through the cracks,
the hinges, the seams, spilling down the other side and into the room beyond.

Lilith sees her chance and makes a run for it, but stops in her tracks by the SCREAMS of her girls.

Lilith runs back and throws herself at the door. She tries the door knob again. Still locked. She pummels, pounds, shaking the handle, kicks the door.

LILITH
(voice tinged with hysteria)
Don’t you touch them. Don’t you dare.

The screams inside don’t stop and Lilith screams in frustration, rage, and desperation.

LILITH
(voice breaking)
You leave my girls alone.

Then, a soft CLICK, and the door swings open beneath Lilith's fists. The screams stop. Slowly Lilith steps inside.

INT. LOCKED ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Her girls huddled in the furthest corner of their cage, crying and trembling.
Lilith sees the monster. It makes a move toward the cage and Lilith launches to place herself between it and her girls.

LILITH

No. I will not let you harm them.

The monster and Lilith face off. Tears fill Lilith’s eyes and spill down her face.

A tendrils of black water stretches toward her. More tears fall. She knows she’s facing death, but she will not move.

The tendril becomes pencil then, and with a feather-light touch, catches a tear on its tip.
The drop clings to the dark liquid. Then it is absorbed into the muddy mass.

After another eternity, the monster backs away and then, with a sickening squelch, dissolves into a slick, black puddle. The puddle slides out the door and is gone.

Lilith gasps as her legs give out and she sits down on the floor. Behind her, the girls continue to sob.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Horror Emotions II

I had so much fun writing this scene because these are the emotions I like working with most. The scene comes after we've already seen some versions of the monster but know the entire thing. It has murdered an entire room of men and one of Lilith's dancing girls.

I learned to take my time to build suspense in the scene. Thus, them having to wait for the monster to show up.

INT. RIVERBOAT – LILITH’S ROOM – NIGHT

A large pentagram lined with salt fills most of the floor. Candles flicker at the end of each point. Lilith is smudging herself when there is a knock on the door.

LILITH
Not now.

QUINN (V.O.)
I’m not leaving.

Lilith ignores him and continues smudging. The knocking starts up again and keeps going until annoyed, Lilith opens the door a crack.

Quinn sees the smoke from the smudge stick she has behind her back and smells the sage.

QUINN
Spellwork.

LILITH
I know how you feel about it so…

Lilith tries to close the door but Quinn pushes it open.

QUINN
You’re not going to try and call that thing.

LILITH
I’m going to find out what it wants before any more of my girls get killed.

Quinn bullies the door open.

QUINN
You’re not facing that thing alone.

LILITH
I don’t need your protection, Quinn. I have plenty of my own.

Quinn looks at the pentagram.

LILITH
And you think a gun is going to provide protection?

QUINN
Maybe not. But I’m not leaving and I’m going to have it in my hand.

They glare at each other for a moment, and then Lilith gives in.

LILITH
Fine. If you’re going to stay.

She begins smudging Quinn. He holds out his arms and accepts it. Lilith looks at him in surprise.

QUINN
My grandmother was a witchy woman.

LILITH
Hm.

She finishes and leads him to stand inside the pentagram.

QUINN
Are you sure this thing is going to protect us?

LILITH
You can’t be sure of anything when you are dealing with the supernatural.

QUINN
That’s reassuring.

LILITH
You can still leave.

Quinn doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t move. Lilith looks at him, and for the first time there is fear in her eyes.

LILITH
Ready?

QUINN
No.

Quinn pulls his gun, makes sure it is loaded and ready.

QUINN
Okay.

Lilith takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.

QUINN
Try not to kill us.

LILITH
River deep and river wide,
Open your mouth, let none hide.
Dark tide turning, fog rolls in,
Call the one who dwells within.

Current twisting, hunger grows,
Wake the thing the river knows.
Not of land, not of air ,
Come from depths to face us here.

They stand there waiting. Lilith looks all around them, making sure there’s nothing behind. Quinn does the same.
There’s nothing. It lasts, and lasts, and lasts.

Then the door to the room shudders. Mud and water run in from the crack under the door. It stops at the edge of the pentagram as more and more of the stuff runs in. The monster rises up from the muck into a vaguely humanoid form that keeps changing and never quite settles into one shape.

Quinn and Lilith are terrified, but the pentagram holds, and the monster stands there, ostensibly looking at them, although it has no eyes.

Quinn nudges Lilith, and she focuses.

LILITH
Tell me your name.

The monster’s mouth (at least it could be a mouth) opens and the voices of many woman pour out at the same time.

WOMEN’S VOICES
Edna, Caroline, Ceclia, Luella, Elizabeth, Margaret.

The names go on and on, all tumbling over each other like a river tumbling rocks. It should be difficult to make out each one.

LILITH
Why are you here?

WOMEN’S VOICES
Death. Murder. Lies.

The monster starts toward the pentagram but hisses at the touch of the salt. Quinn raises his gun but Lilith puts a restraining hand on his wrist. Her hand is shaking, betraying her own fear.

The monster slides around the pentagram until it returns with its back to the door.

LILITH
What do you want?

WOMEN’S VOICES
Retribution, truth, reckoning, justice, cease, end.

Again, the words are all tumbling over each other and difficult to make out.

Suddenly, the door to the room flies open, and Jonas steps into the doorway, gun drawn, ready to take Lilith and put her with the rest of the girls below deck. He sees the monster and back peddles until he hits the back wall. The creature rushes forward and is on him before he can get off one shot.

It pulls away, and Jonas is left covered in leeches. Jonas stumbles into the room, reaching out to Lilith and Quinn, but falls just short of the pentagram.

The monster melts into a puddle and is gone.

The leeches swell as they drain all of the blood from Jonas. He becomes a desiccated corpse right there in front of them. Then the leeches fall off and begin to POP! Blood goes everywhere, including all over Lilith and Quinn.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Horror Emotions

I learned to really pay attention to which emotions I'm evoking in my story, and where I'm failing. I chose to write the first scene (the prologue) as I think it displays the 3 emotions of this lesson. It was interesting to stop and thinking about the scene from the point of view of emotions and helped to build a better scene.

Outline of the Revenant Queen Prologue Scene

EXT. RIVERBOAT – UPPER DECK – PADDLEWHEEL – DAY

Captain Graves chews out deckhand for the seaweed on the paddlewheel. The deckhand is apprehensive and confused because the seaweed is unnatural. The captain orders him to clean the wheel.

EXT. LOWER DECK – PADDLEWHEEL – DAY

The deckhand is trying to clean the paddlewheel. He is still anxious as he leans out over the water, then surprised as a tendril shoots up out of the water and grabs him.

He surfaces and is shocked when the seaweed falls on him, wrapping around him and pulling him under the water for the last time.

First Scene:

FADE IN:

EXT. RIVERBOAT PADDLE WHEEL – DAY

CAPTAIN HARLAN GRAVES, late 40s, wears a faded navy or black frock coat with brass buttons dulled by years of river mist. A wide-brimmed hat shades his weathered face, and a neatly knotted cravat peeks out from a sweat-stained collar.

He stands with a DECKHAND in his 30s, who is dressed in a loose, sweat-streaked linen shirt with rolled-up sleeves and patched canvas trousers held up by frayed suspenders. A battered slouch hat shields his eyes from the sun.

Graves points at the paddlewheel, which is covered with a strange seaweed.

CAPTAIN GRAVES
I want the seaweed cleaned off this wheel by the time we’re scheduled to set sail. The neglect it took for this…

DECKHAND
But Captain, I swear these weren’t here this morning. I’ve never seen seaweed like this. It isn’t — natural.

CAPTAIN GRAVES
I don’t want to hear your excuses or your silly superstitions. Now get in the water and do your job, or you won’t have one.

Captain Graves storms off. The deckhand stares at the seaweed, then at the water; nothing moves. The deckhand turns away, muttering under his breath. It’s clear he doesn’t want to get in the water.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – LOWER DECK – NIGHT

The paddlewheel looms silent, half-submerged in the dark water. The deckhand crouches at the edge of the deck with his sleeves rolled up, gripping a boat hook. He leans out, snagging a tangle of seaweed on the wheel.

He pulls back, but nothing budges. He pulls harder, and the mess gives suddenly. His foot slips on the wet and slippery deck, and he loses his balance. Just as he regains it, a muddy tendril shoots up out of the river and wraps around his wrist. A strong yank has him off his feet and in the water.

He surfaces for a brief moment, but all the seaweed on the paddlewheel comes to life and falls onto him, forcing him under the muddy water. After a moment, the deckhand, along with the seaweed and the muddy tendril, disappears. The deckhand’s hat bobs on the waves.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 3 weeks ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

I know I’m late to the party, but if you’d like to swap scripts, please reach me at dls3001@msn.com

Debbie’s Readable Outline V.1

This outline still has some gaps. Cassius virtually disappears and I’ll have to address that. But the basic idea is here in a structure that I think works. But it really needs some fleshing out.
What do you think???

The Revenant Queen

EXT. RIVERBOAT – ESTABLISHING

New Orleans port circa 1880s. A sidewheel riverboat called the Revenant Queen is loading passengers and, freight.

EXT. DOCK

SAMSON, a very large black man, is loading huge bags of mail in the below decks cargo area. An old man approaches him and tells him not to go on this boat, it’s cursed. Samson says he doesn’t believe in curses.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – PADDLEWHEEL

CAPTAIN HARLAN GRAVES stands with a CREW MEMBER above the paddlewheel which is covered with a strange seaweed. The crewman insists that it wasn’t there 10 minutes ago. The Captain berates him, calling him a liar, and tells him the seaweed better be gone by the time his guests get here or it’s his job.
The crewman gets in the water. He is attacked by the vines. He makes it back on deck, only to be pulled back by some muddy tendrils that snake up and grab him. He is pulled under the water and disappears. No one is around to see.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – LOADING RAMP

CASSIUS, a rich man who owns the newly refurbished Revenant Queen, welcomes SIX VERY RICH MEN aboard. One of them asks if the girls are there yet, Cassis says they’re coming now. He’s got an observation deck for their first looks.

QUINN joins them. He’s a gambler and will give them a good poker game.

EXT RIVERBOAT

Seven beautiful women approach the loading ramp. Cassius rushes down to meet them. We meet LILITH and the CanCan women. Cassius ushers them on board with great charm. Quinn, “Hello, ladies.” Lilith tells him hands off.

Lilith sees the men on the platform watching the girls, pointing and talking animatedly. This rings alarm bells in her head. She dismisses it.

INT. RIVERBOAT – CORRIDOR/ROOM

Cassius takes them to their rooms. Because this is a charger with very few passengers, they get to have luxury accommodations with only 2 beds per room. Lillith will have a private room. Lilith asks about the charter, but Cassius dodges the question.

EXT. RIVERBOAT

Samson finishes loading the cargo. The captain tells him to check on the progress of the paddlewheel. Samson finds the paddlewheel free of vines, but no crewmember. Samson finds his hat floating in the Mississippi.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – ESTABLISHING

The cruise begins.

INT. RIVERBOAT – SALON – NIGHT

This is where a high stakes poker game is taking place. Quinn is there among the rich men. Quinn is a very skilled at slight of hand and cheat.
Quinn splits the money with Cassius. He’s been hired by Cassius to fleece the rich men.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – PADDLEWHEEL

Samson is looking at the paddlewheel, holding the missing crewman’s hat. JONAS, another crewmember, asks him if he’s seen John as he was supposed to be tending the steam engine. Samson shows him his hat.
Jonas says, Damn. But men drown all the time. Samson mentions the curse and Jason scoffs.

INT. RIVERBOAT – MUSIC HALL – BACK STAGE

Lilith and the girls are backstage ready to dance the Can Can. BONNIE LOU says maybe they can catch a rich husband on this cruise. Lilith reminds them not physical contact. She still has that bad feeling.

INT. RIVERBOAT – FLOOR

The men are seated. Quinn and the Captain sit somewhat apart at the insistence of Cassius, who sits with the rich men. Quinn sees them talking quiety, and realizes that something is going on they don’t want him to know. He’s about to ask the captain when the girls make their appearance and dance a lively and provocative Can Can.

The girls leave to return to their rooms.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – SALON

The men adjourn to another room. Cassius excuses himself and says he’ll be back in an hour. This is all witnessed by Quinn and heightsens the mystery in his mind.
Jonas is the only one allowed in the room. He brings makes sure the men have plenty of alcolol.
Quinn asks the captain, he says what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – DECK

Lilith is out on the deck looking at the moon. Quinn approaches. We discover the women are all wives of men who died. And since women can’t own property, they were thrown out of the own homes. Most women like this turn to prostitution. She intends to keep that from happening.

INT. RIVERBOAT – SALON

Cassius returns. He opens the door and finds the room covered in water, mud and detritus from the river. Then men are all dead, and their corpses are terrifying.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – DECK

Lillith and Quinn rush to the Salon. They are shocked by what they see.

Lilith walks through the room, looking for supernatural clues. Quinn asks her what she’s doing. She tells him she’s a witch, and this is a strong, supernatural event. She’s trying to get a feel for what happened here. Quinn doesn’t usually believe in such things but this defies explanation.
The Captain makes the snap decision to return to shore.

Cassius has a private word with Jonas. The plan will go ahead. There are plenty of other rich men in New Orleans. (We don’t know what the plan is).

INT. RIVERBOAT – CORRIDOR

Quinn and Lilith are returning to their rooms. Lilith to tell the girls to pack. There is a sudden lurch. Quinn keeps Lilith from falling.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – DECK

Lilith rush out to the paddlewheel where Samson, Cassius and the captain are. The boat is tangled in a snag. It is Samson’s job to clear it.
While in the water, Samuel is suddenly attacked by two massive catfish, their aggression unnatural and relentless. They slam into him with crushing force, their rough mouths tearing at his flesh as they drag him deeper into the murky water. Quinn reaches down and grabs Samson, pulling him toward the deck, but both catfish grab his legs and pull him out of Qunn’s grasp and under the water.

Just then a thick, unnatural fog rolls in.

Lilith abruptly leaves the deck.

Cassius says they’ll wait for the fog to clear, then station men with guns on deck while someone clears the snag. The Captain is shaking in his boots.

INT. RIVERBOAT – LILLITH’S ROOM

All of the women stand in a circle around Lilith as she preforms a protection ritual. Bonnie Lou is MIA.

INT. RIVERBOAT – Corridor

Bonnie Lou slips away.

INT. RIVERBOAT – CASSIUS’ ROOM

He lets Bonnie Lou in and they embrace. The door closes.

INT. RIVERBOAT – LILITH’S ROOM

Quinn knocks on her door. She lets him in. He asks if she has any idea what is going on. She says there’s something in the river. She gives him a protection amulet. He sees a scrapbook and opens it. Discovers that Lilith’s grandmother disappeared on the Revenant Queen and that the boat has a past.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – DECK

Bonnie Lou is back from Cassius room. She is gruesomely killed.

INT. RIVERBOAT – PERFORMER’S ROOM

Jonas uses a pass key to open the door. He takes the two girls by gunpoint.

INT. RIVERBOAT – BELOW DECKS

Jonas takes the girls to a room where there is a big cage. The other four girls are already there. He puts the girls in and locks it. Then he leaves—he only has one more woman to get. Lilith.

EXT. RIVERBOAT – PADDLEWHEEL

Bonnie Lou’s body is found splayed out on the paddlewheel.

INT. RIVERBOAT – EMPTY MUSIC HALL

Lilith has set up an elaborate site for a ritual. She and Quinn sit inside the protection of a pentagram. She does a ritual to call for the entity to reveal itself.

Full look at a vaguely humanoid figure made of mud, water, and debris from the river. The shape is amorphous, always sliding into another shape. Lilith asks what it wants. The answer in many women’s voices at the same time. They whisper different things: retribution, truth, reckoning, justice, Cease, End.

Jonas enters, thinking to capture Lilith. The monster embraces him, when it lets him go, he is covered with leeches. Within moments he is sucked dry of blood. The bloated leeches fall off and explode with blood going everywhere, including on Lilith and Quinn. The monster is gone.

INT. CORRIDOR

Quinn and Lilith walk to their cabins to clean up. They discuss what they heard. What did it mean. Vengeance. Stop. Stop what? Vengeance for what? Quinn says Cassius holds the key. They can protect themselves with salt and fire.

EXT. RIVERBOAT

The captain is drunk. He uncovers a hidden row boat and lowers it into the water. He gets in a rows away.

The river comes to life and the creature splits, wraps around the boat and captain, then comes together with him inside it. He is screaming, but the creature returns to the river.

INT. WOMEN’S ROOM

Lillith goes to find the women. They are missing.

INT. CASSIUS ROOM

Quinn jimmies the lock and gets in. He finds newspaper clippings of the old RQ covered in muck and the headline reads: all lost to the river. He sees a picture of a woman who looks like Lilith.

He also finds a ledger and discovers that Cassius was selling off Lilith and her girls to the rich men who were killed. Cassius discovers him, and takes him out by gunpoint.

INT. CORRIDOR

Lilith is going to look for Quinn, but the monster finds her! There is a terrible chase through the claustrophobic corridors. Lilith goes down into the hold. The monster chases her, but Lilith hides. She pulls out the salt she has under her dress.

The monster stops in front of a door. She opens it, and goes in. All the girls in the cage inside start screaming.

Lilith goes running after the monster. She throws salt on it go get it away from her girls. It hisses and leaves. Lilith arms them with salt and tells them to go to the room and don’t open the door for anyone but her.

EXT. RIVERBOAT PADDLEWHEEL

Samson’s body is on the paddlewheel. We think he is dead, but suddenly a big breath. He’s alive! He carefully pulls himself up onto the deck. Then he grabs a lantern, and goes to Cassius. (He saw the captain killed)

INT. CORRIDORS

Lilith is navigating the corridors. There is a mud trail all over the place. She sees the monster and hides. Then keeps going until she reaches Cassius cabin.

INT. CASSIUS CABIN

knocks. No answer. She opens the door, and finds Quinn bound and gagged and Cassius with a gun. He “invites’ her in. Exposition here.

The monster finds them. Cassius pushes Lilith toward it, but it hesitates.

Samson burns in and throws the lantern on it. It hisses and steam rises as the oil spreads, along with the fire. The monster “melts” into the floor and becomes a puddle.

Quinn has freed himself and lunges for the gun. There a fight between he and Cassius with Lilith joining in. Samson is trying to figure out what is going on.

Cassius ends up with the gun and holds it on them. He orders Samson to tie them up but Samson refuses. Cassius has his back to the door. He doesn’t hear the monster come up behind him.

Cassius is killed. The trio face the monster. It doesn’t moved toward them. Instead, the mud around the face pulls back to reveal a face much like Lilith’s. It is her grandmother. Then the monster leaves.

EXT. RIVERBOAT

The three come back on deck. The fog has lifted. The snag is gone. It is over.

Lilith asks Samson to come and work for her. She needs security for the women. He agrees.

Quinn is about to say goodbye, when Lilith offers a partnership. Him the gambler, her the madame. They could make a great team for working the riverboats. Quinn smiles. We could at that.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Character Journey

I learned how the journeys weave in and out of each others and how they generate the plot of the story.

Character Journey – Lillith
Character Intro
Lillith and her girls arrive at the Riverboat. Cassius welcomes them. Quinn ogles them and Lillith puts him in his place.
Denial
Lilith has a growing sense of unease when she sees Cassius and the men evaluating the girls like property. She passes it off as the misogyny of the times.
Reaction to the first horror
When the room of dead men is found, Lillith knows that something supernatural is happening. She investigates the room looking for magical clues. She then does a ritual of protection for her and the girls.
Relation to group after the horror
She takes charge and begins to investigate. She draws Quinn in against his will at first. She is able to get people to do things they would rather not do.
They fight back
She uses a spell to force the monster to reveal itself. After the monster appears to her and reveals her face, Lilith realizes it is her grandmother and doesn’t want to kill it. But she saw the aversion to salt and arms Quinn and herself for another encounter. The idea is to make it flee rather than to kill it.
End Point
She survives with the knowledge of what happened to her grandmother and the other women on the riverboat. It almost happened to her. She joins forces with Quinn and Samson to prevent anyone else from trying to traffic women. They are now a little family unit.
What Insight des her survive bring to her and the audience
• Power is an illusion if you don’t recognize the danger.
• Monsters are just supernatural, human monsters can be worse
• You can’t ignore your instincts – they are you best protection
• Some cycles are meant to be broken
Character Journey – Quinn
Character Intro:
• Quinn is already aboard the riverboat when the women arrive.
• He is a gambler, drifter, and opportunist—a man who thrives in places where rules are loose and stakes are high.
• When the dancers step onto the boat, he ogles them, flashing his usual cocky smirk.
• Lilith shuts him down immediately, putting him in his place with a sharp remark or humiliating him in front of others.
• He laughs it off, but there’s a flicker of respect beneath the surface.
Denial:
• Quinn believes in luck and strategy, not curses or monsters.
• When strange things start happening, he dismisses them:
o “It’s just a run of bad luck.”
o “Somebody must have made the wrong man angry.”
o “Ghosts don’t kill people. People kill people.”
• His real denial is about his own nature—he sees himself as a survivor, not a hero.
• He doesn’t want to get involved. The world is cruel, and he’s learned to look out for himself.
Their Reaction at First Horror:
• When the first real horror strikes (maybe the men are found dead in a locked room), Quinn’s bravado cracks—but only for a moment.
• His instinct is to get out:
o “I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know when it’s time to fold.”
Relation to Group After First Horror:
• Quinn shifts from charming rogue to reluctant ally.
• Lilith doesn’t trust him at first—she sees him as a man who looks out for himself.
• The Black crewman and others see him as unreliable, someone who will jump ship when things get tough.
• He starts watching Cassius more closely, realizing there’s more happening on this boat than just a haunting.
How They Fight Back:
• Quinn uses his wit, manipulation, and sleight of hand to gain access places he shouldn’t be..
• He eavesdrops, steals, and lies when necessary.
• He is quick with a gun and agile in a fight.
• When he discovers Cassius’ ledger, it’s the moment where he fully commits to the fight.
o “This isn’t just business. This is slavery.”
• He helps Lilith break into the locked cargo hold to rescue the women.
• In the final act, he stands with her, proving he’s not just here for himself anymore.
End Point:
• Quinn survives, but he isn’t the same man who boarded the boat.
• He started out thinking this was just another game, but he leaves knowing he was part of something bigger than himself.
• He may still be a gambler, but now he’s willing to bet on more than just himself.
• He will go with Lilith and the girls and Samson and they will form a unit that is beneficial to them all.
What Insight Does His Survival Bring to Others/The Audience?
• A man can change if he chooses to.
• You don’t have to start as a hero to do the right thing.
• Survival isn’t just about saving yourself—it’s about who you fight for.
• Sometimes, the biggest gamble is standing for something.

Cassius’ Character Journey
Character Intro:
• Cassius is wealthy, well-dressed, and completely in control. He owns the riverboat, and with it, the fate of everyone aboard.
• He is a charming host, welcoming the women on board and personally showing them to their rooms.
Denial:
• Cassius doesn’t believe in ghosts, curses, or vengeance from beyond the grave.
o “Dead men don’t come back. The past is just the past.”
• Even as the deaths begin, he remains calm, dismissive.
• His real denial?
o He refuses to believe that he can be touched.
o He sees himself as untouchable, above consequence.
• He tells himself:
o “This is just business. Nothing personal.”
o “Wealth buys protection. Wealth buys silence.”
o “No one is coming for me. No one ever does.”
Their Reaction at First Horror:
• When the room of men die, Cassius is shocked, but doesn’t happen. He looks at the captain – Guess we have to find some new buyers. He says to get the girls and lock them up until they find those buyers.
Relation to Group After First Horror:
• His charm begins to crack—the cold-blooded businessman emerges. When the girls disappear, he tells Lilith that a row boat is missing. They must and made a run for it. Lilith knows that isn’t true. He much more curt and there is fear lurking underneath that he is losing control, not to mention he has no idea what happened to the men.
How They Fight Back:
• Cassius uses fear and intimidation.
• He orders Jonas to deal with Lilith and Quinn.
• He bribes or threatens crew members into staying silent.
• When he realizes the monster only kills men involved in the trafficking, he tries to offer it someone else in his place.
o First, he lets Jonas die.
o Then, in desperation, he tries to sacrifice Lilith.
End Point:
• By the time Cassius realizes he is doomed, it’s too late.
• He has one last move—he grabs a gun and tries to kill Lilith, Quinn, or anyone who might expose him.
• But the river does not forget.
• The Revenant Queen rises again.
• His death is slow, humiliating, and final.
• The man who thought he was untouchable is dragged down, screaming.
What Insight Does His Death Bring to Others/The Audience?
• No one is above judgment.
• The past will catch up with you.
• Wealth can buy silence, but it cannot buy mercy.
• He thought this was business. The river made it personal.
• Sins of the father (grandfather) are visited upon the son (grandson)

Captain Harlan Graves’ Character Journey
Character Intro:
• Captain Harlan Graves is a bitter, entitled, and obnoxious man. He watches the passengers board, and has a hostile reaction to the women. He watches the rich men and the longing is clear.
Denial:
• Graves resents the women aboard, but he doesn’t fully understand what’s happening to them.
• When bad luck starts—the snag in the water, the unnatural stillness, the whispers in the fog—he shrugs it off.
o “The river’s always been cruel.”
o “Men drown every day. Nothing new about that.”
His Reaction at First Horror (Room Full of Dead Men):
• For the first time, the river has truly unsettled him.
• He decides to turn the boat around and return to port. Then they hit the snag and the fog, and he knows that the river itself is working against them and he is terrified. He locks himself in his cabin with his whiskey.
Relation to Group After First Horror:
• He becomes more irritable, more paranoid.
• He stops sleeping, pacing the deck, drinking more. He avoids people and when Cassius finds him, ignores him and heads back to his cabin
How They Fight Back:
• Graves doesn’t fight back—First he hides in a bottle, then he flees.
End Point:
• Graves lowers a hidden rowboat into the water. He rows away, panting, looking back at the cursed boat, thinking he’s finally free. The river eats him.
• Harlan Graves never learns, never changes, never grows. He dies exactly as he lived—selfish, bitter, and alone. The river does not forgive, and it takes him the way it took his grandfather.
What Insight Does His Death Bring to Others/The Audience?
• Cowards don’t escape fate.
• You can’t outrun the past—it will drag you under.
• Complicity is guilt.
• He could have done the right thing. He never even tried.
• His entire life was spent waiting for something better—he died with nothing.
Samson’s Character Journey
Character Intro:
• Samson is a crewman, strong, quiet, and deeply tied to the river. He goes to check on the crewman who was freeing the paddle wheel from the weird seaweed, and finds nothing but a muddy deck. The paddle wheel is clean. Samson is annoyed that he has to clean up the mess. He doesn’t see the crewman’s hat in the water, but has a bad feeling about this.
Denial:
• Samson is a man of instinct. He feels when something is off, and this boat is wrong. The river doesn’t feel right.
• But he tells himself:
o “Just the water playing tricks.”
o “I seen strange things before. Ain’t my fight.”
His Reaction at First Horror (Room Full of Dead Men):
• Samson steps into the room, expecting another mess to clean up.
• Instead, he finds bodies and a room full of mud and water.
• He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t panic. He says in a quiet voice: “The river’s angry.”
Relation to Group After First Horror:
• Samson tells Lilith to keep a close eye on the girls as they return to port. But then they hit the snag. He says to Lilith, I don’t think the river is going to let us go just yet.
How He fights back
• The boat is stuck on a massive snag.
• Samson goes into the water to free it and is attacked by two giant catfish.
• Quinn tries to pull him out, but he’s pulled back in and disappears beneath the muddy water.
• Later, when Samson climbs back on board, he uses a lantern to “kill” the Revenant Queen.
End Point: A Place Where He Belongs
• He understands who the Revenant Queen was and her relationlship to Lilith. Agrees to work for Lillith as they go to other riverboats.
What Insight Does His Survival Bring to Others/The Audience?
Samson starts as a man who only looks out for himself. By the end, he’s found something worth fighting for, worth staying for. He isn’t just surviving anymore—he’s living.

Bonnie Lou Grayson’s Character Journey
Character Intro:
• Bonnie Lou is the life of the party—loud, funny, and a dazzling dancer.
• She thrives in attention and admiration, always performing, always shining.
• So when they arrive at the riverboat, she’s a smiling flirt finding an adamant admirer in Quinn and all the men.
• Lillith grabs her arm and ushers her inside the riverboat.
Denial:
o That having a man in her bed offers her security and safety.
o That betraying the women who saved her makes her worse than the men who would sell them.

Her Reaction at First Horror (Room Full of Dead Men):
• Bonnie Lou is terrified, not of the room per se, but what was going to happen now? Was her deal with Cassius still in place? Was she still going to get her money. Was he going to tell Lilith about her?
Relation to Group After First Horror:
• Bonnie Lou sticks closer to Lilith and the girls, acting as if she’s one of them.
• She comforts them, laughs, plays the fool—makes sure they never suspect her.
• She still meets with Cassius in secret.
• But now, she’s getting nervous.
• She asks Cassius:
o “You sure you got this under control?”
o “The others… they’re startin’ to ask questions.”
• Cassius reassures her, but she isn’t so sure anymore.
How She Fights Back
• She Pleases Cassius in bed.
• She keeps the ladies calm, keeps them distracted, keeps them from suspecting.
• When the monster shows up for her, she runs and hides, but not well enough.
• The water recedes. The hallway is empty.
What Insight Does Her Death Bring to Others/The Audience?
Bonnie Lou’s journey is one of survival gone wrong. She wanted security, wealth, a future, but she sold her soul to get it. Desperation makes monsters of us all.
Jonas Drake’s Character Journey
Character Intro:
• Jonas is the enforcer and jailer—Cassius’ most trusted thug. We meet him as he and Quinn watch the women and then the rich men come on board. Quinn asks him if he gambles. Not on cards. Too many cheats out there. I like horse races, fights, dice.
• He has a plan.
o Get paid.
o Take one of the women for himself.
o Head to the gold fields and make his fortune.
• He isn’t afraid of the law, the river, or God.
• He has no doubts, no hesitations. He is already counting his winnings.
Denial:
• Jonas doesn’t fear death because he doesn’t think it can touch him.
• When things start getting strange—bad luck, unnatural silence, whispers in the fog—he laughs it off.
o “The river’s always hungry. Ain’t nothing new.”
o “Ghost stories are for fools.”
• When the first man dies horribly, he smirks.
o “Looks like he owed someone more than he could pay.”
• His real denial?
o That he isn’t the one in control.
o That his fate was sealed the moment he stepped aboard this boat.
His Reaction at First Horror (Room Full of Dead Men):
• Jonas doesn’t react like the others.
• He leans against the doorframe, sipping from his flask.
• His eyes scan the bodies—mud-choked mouths, bloated skin, riverweed hanging from their hands.
• He takes another drink. Shrugs.
o “Looks like they had a bad night.”
• Then, he chuckles.
o “Guess that means more money for me.”
Relation to Group After First Horror:
• He keeps up the act—grinning, joking, acting like nothing is wrong.
• But he starts drinking more.
• His ruthlessness ramps up.
• He starts locking the women away tighter, doubling the chains.
• He wants to take control before someone else does.
What Insight Does His Death Bring to Others/The Audience?
• Nobody is untouchable.
• Evil deeds spawn terrible retribution
• No matter how tough a monster you may be, there’s always a bigger, badder monster out there.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Monster Reveal Track

I learned to go even deeper into my monster to give her some depth and interesting behaviors that will lead to red herrings and real terror.

The Revenant Queen

Powers:
1. Drowning Aura – Creates an oppressive, supernatural force that makes breathing difficult, as if victims are underwater even when they aren’t.
2. Water Manipulation – Controls the river and any water on the boat, allowing her to summon waves, flood rooms, or even make water rise unnaturally to drag victims under.
3. Decay & Corruption – Anything she touches begins to rot, rust, or dissolve, including wood, metal, and flesh. The riverboat slowly falls apart under her influence.
4. Leech Swarm – Her body constantly drips with leeches that feed on the life force of victims, weakening them physically and mentally.
5. Shadowy, Shifting Form – She is never fully solid, constantly shifting between dripping mud, tangled bones, and fragments of the drowned dead.
6. Unnatural Movement – Can emerge from any water source, whether a puddle, a drinking cup, or the river itself.

Limitations:
1. Tied to the River – She cannot stray far from the Mississippi or the water that feeds her. If separated from the river for too long, she weakens.
2. Physical Form is Unstable – Fire, salt, and light can temporarily disrupt her body, forcing her to retreat or lose her ability to manipulate her surroundings.

Weaknesses:
1. Fire & Heat – Her waterlogged, muddy form hardens and cracks under intense heat, making her slow and vulnerable to physical attacks.
2. Salt – Has a purifying effect that repels her and can even cause her form to disintegrate temporarily. A circle of salt may hold her off, but won’t destroy her.

Plan / Purpose / Appetite:
1 Plan: To punish those who repeat the crimes of the past—the traffickers, the buyers, and those complicit in the horrors aboard the riverboat.
2 Purpose: She was betrayed, drowned, and erased from history, and now she exists as an unstoppable force of justice and vengeance. She will not rest until those responsible—or those continuing the cycle—have paid with their lives.
3 Appetite: She does not “feed” in the traditional sense but absorbs pain, fear, and suffering. She can merge victims into her own form, making them part of her tortured existence, their voices forever whispering in the water.

Sequence

1. Seaweed on paddlewheel.
2. Tendrils of mud pulling crewman under.
3. Information that the Riverboat is cursed. Terrible things happened aboard.
4. Men watching the women dancing the cancan and discussing who want whom.
5. Death of rich men.
6. Attack of Samson when he tries to free the snag.
7. Fog rolls in smelling of rot
8. Bonnie Lou has a liaison with Cassius. They discuss the girls and Lillith
9. Bonnie Lou is killed
10. Discover that the girls are now locked below deck in cages. Jonas is their keeper. Next, he is going after Lillith.
11. Monster finds Lillith and Quinn. She stands in front of them, not moving, then a tendril reaches out and lifts Lillith’s locket.
12. Quinn attacks the monster with a chair, but it simply gets absorbed into her body. It turns on Quinn. Quinn scrambles,and ends up spilling some salt on the ground. The Monster hisses and backs away.
13. Monster kills Jonas
14. Lillith explains the locket has a picture of her grandmother and a lock of her hair. She shows newspaper articles of what happened to the Revenant Queen before and reveals that her grandmother disappeared while on the cruise.
15. Quinn breaks into Cassius’ cabin and discovers the ledger and information on the auction.
16. The monster finds the girls in the cages.
17. Lillith finds the girls and the monster. She uses salt to chase the monster away. She tries to free the girls, but needs the key.
18. The captain lowers a hidden rowboat and begins to row toward shore. The boat becomes a part of the monster, and it folds up around him, devouring him.
19. Samson climbs back into the boat.
20. Quinn and Lillith confront Cassius. He denies it until Quinn throws his ledger at him. Cassius says it’s only business, nothing personal.
21. The monster shows up. Cassius tries to sacrifice Lillith to the monster. Samson comes in with a torch and kills the monster. It melts away into the deck and nothing is left but a puddle of mud.
22. Cassius recovers his gun and holds it on them.
23. The monster is resurrected (a thin line of watery mud ran toward the edge of the boat at into the river)
24. The monster kills Cassius.
25. The monster turns into a pretty woman who looks like Lillith. She stands there for a moment, then dissolves into water and mud that runs back into the river and is gone.
26. The fog dissipates. The snag lets go of the boat.

1. Clue: Seaweed on the Paddlewheel
• What Demands It?
o A crewman inspects the paddlewheel and finds it clogged with long strands of wet, dark seaweed. This seaweed is unusual. It shouldn’t be here.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o The Mississippi doesn’t have this kind of seaweed.
o It hints that the boat at something unnatural going on.
• What It Leads To?
o Sets up the Revenant Queen’s influence over the river—the first suggestion that the river itself is working against them.
o The audience wants to know why the river is behaving this way.
2. Clue: Tendrils of Mud Pulling a Crewman Under
• What Demands It?
o The audience already suspects something is wrong with the river (from the seaweed).
o A crewman is sent to clear the paddlewheel but tendrils of mud and water pull him under the water.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o It proves something lurks beneath the water, but we don’t know what yet.
o Is it a creature? A ghost? A force of nature?
• What It Leads To?
o Urgency increases—is the boat itself cursed?
o The characters must look into the boat’s past to explain the supernatural attack.

3. Clue: The Riverboat is Cursed—Terrible Things Happened Aboard
• What Demands It?
o A crew member whispering to Samson that the riverboat is cursed:
 “We never should have taken this route. This boat is cursed.”
o When pressed, the crew refuses to talk—suggesting fear and superstition.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Now, both the crew and the audience want to know: what happened here?
o A cursed boat means a history of horror—but what exactly?
• What It Leads To?
o The gambler and Lilith must find records, old stories, or people who know the truth.

4. Clue: Men Watching the Women Dance & Discussing Who Wants Whom
• What Demands It?
o A dancer goes missing.
o The captain believes she is probably with one of his rich men. Lillith knows that can’t be true.
o Meanwhile, the rich men continue their drunken discussions of who they’ll “take.”
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o At first, it seems harmless, but once a girl disappears, the audience realizes this isn’t just talk.
o Now, the audience wants to know what happened to the dancer.
• What It Leads To?
o Someone needs to check below deck.

5. Clue: Death of the Rich Men
• What Demands It?
o The audience is suspicious of the missing dancer—then all of the wealthy buyers are found dead.
o They drowned in a locked room while conducting the auction.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Now we have a murder mystery.
o What killed them? How did all that water and mud get in there. Why are all the fixtures rusted?
o The audience demands to know what is happening and if this is connected to the missing dancer.
• What It Leads To?
o The boat is going to return to dock.

6. Clue: The Attack on Samson While He Frees the Snag
• What Demands It?
o The boat is caught on something underwater.
o The captain orders Samson to go free the snag.
o The audience knows something supernatural is in the river, so there’s high tension.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o What is under the water?
o The Revenant Queen’s power is expanding—what will she do next?
• What It Leads To?
o Further proof that the monster isn’t random—it has an agenda.
o The audience wants to know what it is.

7. Clue: Fog Rolls In Smelling of Rot
• What Demands It?
o After the attack on Samson, the fog closes in.
o It smells of decay, and whispers echo through it.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Is the monster moving with the fog?
o The voices aren’t just random—they are pleading, crying, and accusing.
o The audience demands to know whose voices these are.
• What It Leads To?
o The is filled with the voices of the women who died with her. They are calling out their names so they won’t be forgotten.

8. Clue: Bonnie Lou Has a Liaison with Cassius & Is Killed by the Revenant Queen
What Demands It?
• A dancer has already disappeared, but the rich men act like nothing is wrong.
• Bonnie Lou seems unconcerned—maybe she knows something.
• She sneaks into Cassius’ cabin, where they make love and he makes her promises he has not intention of keeping. He assures her:
o “You and I, we know how to pick the right side.”
Why Does This Create Demand?
• What is the right side Bonnie Lou has picked?
• Is Bonnie Lou betraying her friends in some way?
What It Leads To?
• This sets Bonnie Lou up to be the next victim.

9. Clue: Bonnie Lou is Killed by the Revenant Queen

What Demands It?
• Bonnie Lou confidently leaves Cassius’ cabin, thinking she is on the winning side.
• But she is a traitor and needs to be killed
Why Does This Create Demand?
• The Revenant Queen hasn’t fully revealed herself yet—this is the first extended interaction.
• Bonnie Lou is why is the monster targeting her now?
• The audience demands to know what Bonnie Lou was caught up in. Was she killed because she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Was it a moral statement about sex? Or was it about whatever Cassius referred to earlier?
What It Leads To?
• This raises the stakes—now, no one is safe.
• The audience need to know: How does the monster choose its victims? What does it want?

10. Clue: Lilith Discovers All the Girls Are Missing

What Demands It?
• The Dancers don’t show up for rehearsal. Lillith has a bad feeling about this.
• The gambler notices the halls are too quiet, and the usual laughter and conversation from the girls’ quarters is missing.
• Lilith and Quinn checks the rooms. Empty.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Bonnie Lou was killed. Are they all dead now?
• The audience demands to know where the women are—and if they’re still alive.

What It Leads To?
• Lillith’s determination to call out the monster with her witchcraft.
• Quinn is both skeptical and thinking this isn’t a good idea.

11. The Girls Are Locked in Cages Below Deck—Jonas Is Their Keeper
• What Demands It?
o Jonas leads us to a secret room below decks.
o We find all the girls in changes.
o We find the missing dancers—locked in cages.
o Jonas suggests Lillith will be joining them soon
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o The audience demands to know why the are locked up
o Will they get Lillith?
o What about the monster. These girls can’t run if it finds them.
• What It Leads To?
o Jonas going off to kidnap Lillith

12. Clue: Lillith calls the monster through her spell.
• What Demands It?
o The missing girls are Lillith’s motivation. She wants to know what the monster wants.
o The pentagram can’t hold the amorphous shape of the monster. It escapes and comes toward Lilith
o It doesn’t attack. It reaches out and touches her Locket.
o Quinn attacks
o Quinn flees from the monster. Knocks over salt. The monster retreats
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o What is Lilith’s connection to the monster?
o The audience now realizes this is personal.
• What It Leads To?
o Lilith must reveal her family history.
o We now know the monster has a weakness – salt

13. Clue: Lilith Reveals Her History to Quinn

What Demands It?
• The Revenant Queen has reacted to Lilith’s locket, as if recognizing it.
• The fog has been whispering names, but no one understands why.
• Quinn has been pushing for answers—why is Lilith really here?
• Quinn confronts Lilith in her cabin:
o “You know something, don’t you? This isn’t just business for you. This is personal.”
• Lilith hesitates, then finally unlocks her trunk.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• What does Lilith know that she hasn’t said?
• Why does the Revenant Queen recognize her?
• Are the women from the newspaper articles the same ones haunting the boat?
• The audience demands to know if Lilith is connected to the monster—or if she’s in danger from it.

What It Leads To?
• Lilith pulls out her locket—inside is a photo of her grandmother and a lock of her hair.
• She spreads newspaper clippings across the bed—articles about a “disaster” on this very boat decades ago.
• Quinn skims the pages, then freezes.
o The names in the articles are the same ones the fog has been whispering.
• Lilith’s voice trembles as she says:
o “My grandmother was on this boat the night it disappeared. She was never seen again.”
o “I came here to find out what happened to her… and all the others.”
• Quinn exhales sharply.
o “Lilith… I think we just found them.”
• Now, the audience demands to know—will the Revenant Queen see Lilith as an enemy… or as family?
•
14. Clue: Jonas is Killed by the Revenant Queen (Unseen by Lilith & Quinn)

What Demands It?
• Lilith and Quinn are deep in conversation, uncovering the truth about her past and the Revenant Queen’s victims.
• As they piece together the ship’s history, the whispers in the fog, and the missing girls, one urgent question remains:
o “Where are the girls now?”
• The audience knows that Jonas is the only one who knows.
• Meanwhile, Jonas is looking for Lillith. He confronts her and Quinn.
• Jonas bursts into the room to kidnap Lillith
• The monster comes up behind him and embraces him. When it lets go, he is covered in leeches which suck him dry. The leeches fall off his desiccated corpse, then begin to explode, spreading blood everywhere. The monster with draws.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience knows Jonas holds the key to the hidden room.

What It Leads To?
• The audience wonders how they will find the girls in the hidden room.
• The audience is also getting the idea that this monster is out for revenge or something other than just killing what comes in it’s path.
• Quinn and Lillith splitting up. Lillith looking for the girls and Quinn going to Cassius cabin.

10. Clue: The Auction Ledger—Cassius’ Full Guilt Revealed
• What Demands It?
o We discover that Cassius was conducting an auction, auctioning the dancers and Lillith to the highest bidder (all of who are dead now)
o He also finds Cassius’ grandfather ledger and realizes that Lillith’s grandmother and the other women were auctioned off as well.
o He finds a set of keys
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Is The monster after all the traffickers? Is Cassius next?
o Where is Cassius and what is he doing now?
o Is Lillith in danger from him.
• What It Leads To?
o A confrontation with Quinn and Lillith
o The final confrontation—the monster’s revenge.
o Keys to the girls cages
o
15. Clue: The Revenant Queen Finds Lilith and Chases Her Below Deck

What Demands It?
• Just when we thought Lillith was safe from the monster, it’s now after her.
• We are going below decks to where the girls are in a hidden room
• We discover another way to thwart the monster. Now we have two ways and we have hope for survival.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The Revenant Queen has never moved this aggressively before.
• Why is she after Lilith now?
• The audience demands to know—will Lilith survive, or is she the next victim?

What It Leads To?

• Lillith is able to hide from the monster.
• When the monster breaks down the door to the hidden room, Lillith hears her girls screaming
• Lillith finds a torch and a way to light it. She goes after the monster with the torch. The monster flees.
• Lillith finds the girls, but has no key to the cages.

16. Clue: The Captain Tries to Escape, but the Boat Devours Him

What Demands It?
• Cassius is still in control—but not for long.
• The Captain has seen the Revenant Queen kill.
• He knows what’s coming.
• He isn’t waiting to find out if he’s next.
• Cassius wants to get on the Rowboat with the Captain, but the Captain salutes and rows away.
• The rowboat turns into a living being (part of the monster) and devours him.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The Captain was part of the original crime.
• The audience knows he deserves to die—but how will it happen?
• Does he think he can outrun the river itself?

What It Leads To?
• The audience now has the satisfaction of knowing the bad guy just had a gruesome death.
• The audience demands to know—who’s next?

17. Clue: Samson Climbs Back Aboard

What Demands It?
• The heroes are running out of time.
• The Revenant Queen is stronger than ever.
• They need help.
• We need a good resurrection of a good guy.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Samson was lost earlier in the film.
• The audience thought he was dead—how did he survive?
• Will he turn the tide of the fight, or is he too late?

What It Leads To?
• How did Samson survive? Why did he survive? What is he going to do now?

18. Clue: Quinn & Lilith Confront Cassius; He Denies Everything Until Quinn Throws the Ledger at Him

What Demands It?
• The evidence is undeniable.
• The girls are locked up, the buyers are dead.
• Cassius is the last loose end.
• The Revenant Queen has taken her vengeance on the worst offenders

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Cassius has been untouchable until now.
• The audience needs to see him answer for his and his grandfather’s crimes.
• Will he break, or will he fight?

What It Leads To?
• An epic confrontation with the monster.

19. Clue: The Monster Arrives; Cassius Tries to Sacrifice Lilith

What Demands It?
• Cassius is cornered.
• The Revenant Queen is coming.
• He has one last, desperate move.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience demands to know—will Cassius actually get away?
• Will the Revenant Queen let him live if he gives her Lilith?

What It Leads To?
• Quinn is knocked out.
• Cassius grabs Lilith, shoving her forward.
o “This is what you want, isn’t it?”
• The Revenant Queen halts.
• The audience demands to know—will she take the deal? Or will she take her revenge?

21.Clue: Samson Comes in With a Torch and Kills the Monster

What Demands It?
• The Revenant Queen hesitated.
• Lilith was moments from being taken.
• The heroes needed a way to stop her.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience demands to know if fire is enough to stop her for good.
• Is the nightmare finally over?

What It Leads To?
• Samson bursts in, torch in hand.
• Flames arc through the air, striking the monster.
• The Revenant Queen howls, her body melting into the deck like burning wax.
• Nothing remains but a puddle of thick, black mud.
• The audience exhales—but is it truly over?

22.Clue: Cassius Recovers His Gun and Holds It on Them

What Demands It?
• The monster is dead (or so they think).
• The human villain is still standing.
• Cassius is not done fighting. He always gets what he wants.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Will he kill them and escape?
• The audience demands to know who gets the final justice—man or monster?

What It Leads To?
• Cassius grabs his gun, leveling it at Lilith and Quinn.
o “I should’ve shot you both earlier.”
• The audience demands to know—will they make it out alive?

23. Clue: The Monster is Resurrected (A Thin Line of Watery Mud Runs Into the River)

What Demands It?
• Cassius believes he won.
• The Revenant Queen should be gone.
• But something moves—just barely.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience sees it before the characters.
• Is she coming back? Is it for Cassius, or for all of them?

What It Leads To?
• A thin line of black mud slithers toward the edge of the boat.
• It reaches the water—and disappears.
• The audience demands to know—what happens now?

24. Clue: The Monster Kills Cassius

What Demands It?
• Cassius still has the gun.
• He’s ready to end this.
• But the river has other plans.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Does Cassius get away, or does the river take what it is owed?
• The audience demands to see true justice.

What It Leads To?
• Cassius smirks, stepping forward—gun aimed, finger tightening on the trigger.
• The Revenant Queen rises up behind him, injects him with water, and he explodes.

25. Clue: The Monster Turns into a Pretty Woman Who Looks Like Lilith, Then Dissolves

What Demands It?
• Cassius is gone.
• The revenge is complete.
• But something is still here.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience demands to know—what is the Revenant Queen now?
• Is she at peace, or is she something else?

What It Leads To?
• A figure stands where Cassius fell.
• Not a monster, not mud—just a woman.
• She looks like Lilith.
• She smiles—soft, sad.
• Then—she dissolves into water, slipping back into the river.
• Is she finally free, or will she continue to haunt the waters of the Mississippi?
•
26.Clue: The Fog Dissipates. The Snag Lets Go of the Boat.

What Demands It?
• The battle is over.
• The river is silent.
• The boat has been trapped this whole time—but why?

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Was the ship being held until justice was served?
• The audience demands to know if this nightmare is truly over.

What It Leads To?
• The fog begins to lift.
• The air feels lighter.
• The boat shudders—then drifts forward, finally free.
• Lilith exhales.
o “It’s over.”
• The audience finally breathes—justice has been served.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Monster Reveal Track

I learned to define my monster. The limitations–how they are going to defeat it, that sort of thing. Also, I learned that in plotting the character deaths (the how, why, and demand) I was able to build in a rising sense of terror and, hopefully, a few surprises.

The Revenant Queen

Powers:
1. Drowning Aura – Creates an oppressive, supernatural force that makes breathing difficult, as if victims are underwater even when they aren’t.
2. Water Manipulation – Controls the river and any water on the boat, allowing her to summon waves, flood rooms, or even make water rise unnaturally to drag victims under.
3. Decay & Corruption – Anything she touches begins to rot, rust, or dissolve, including wood, metal, and flesh. The riverboat slowly falls apart under her influence.
4. Leech Swarm – Her body constantly drips with leeches that feed on the life force of victims, weakening them physically and mentally.
5. Shadowy, Shifting Form – She is never fully solid, constantly shifting between dripping mud, tangled bones, and fragments of the drowned dead.
6. Unnatural Movement – Can emerge from any water source, whether a puddle, a drinking cup, or the river itself.

Limitations:
1. Tied to the River – She cannot stray far from the Mississippi or the water that feeds her. If separated from the river for too long, she weakens.
2. Physical Form is Unstable – Fire, salt, and light can temporarily disrupt her body, forcing her to retreat or lose her ability to manipulate her surroundings.

Weaknesses:
1. Fire & Heat – Her waterlogged, muddy form hardens and cracks under intense heat, making her slow and vulnerable to physical attacks.
2. Salt – Has a purifying effect that repels her and can even cause her form to disintegrate temporarily. A circle of salt may hold her off, but won’t destroy her.

Plan / Purpose / Appetite:
1 Plan: To punish those who repeat the crimes of the past—the traffickers, the buyers, and those complicit in the horrors aboard the riverboat.
2 Purpose: She was betrayed, drowned, and erased from history, and now she exists as an unstoppable force of justice and vengeance. She will not rest until those responsible—or those continuing the cycle—have paid with their lives.
3 Appetite: She does not “feed” in the traditional sense but absorbs pain, fear, and suffering. She can merge victims into her own form, making them part of her tortured existence, their voices forever whispering in the water.

Sequence

1. Seaweed on paddlewheel.
2. Tendrils of mud pulling crewman under.
3. Information that the Riverboat is cursed. Terrible things happened aboard.
4. Men watching the women dancing the cancan and discussing who want whom.
5. Death of rich men.
6. Attack of Samson when he tries to free the snag.
7. Fog rolls in smelling of rot
8. Bonnie Lou has a liaison with Cassius. They discuss the girls and Lillith
9. Bonnie Lou is killed
10. Discover that the girls are now locked below deck in cages. Jonas is their keeper. Next, he is going after Lillith.
11. Monster finds Lillith and Quinn. She stands in front of them, not moving, then a tendril reaches out and lifts Lillith’s locket.
12. Quinn attacks the monster with a chair, but it simply gets absorbed into her body. It turns on Quinn. Quinn scrambles,and ends up spilling some salt on the ground. The Monster hisses and backs away.
13. Monster kills Jonas
14. Lillith explains the locket has a picture of her grandmother and a lock of her hair. She shows newspaper articles of what happened to the Revenant Queen before and reveals that her grandmother disappeared while on the cruise.
15. Quinn breaks into Cassius’ cabin and discovers the ledger and information on the auction.
16. The monster finds the girls in the cages.
17. Lillith finds the girls and the monster. She uses salt to chase the monster away. She tries to free the girls, but needs the key.
18. The captain lowers a hidden rowboat and begins to row toward shore. The boat becomes a part of the monster, and it folds up around him, devouring him.
19. Samson climbs back into the boat.
20. Quinn and Lillith confront Cassius. He denies it until Quinn throws his ledger at him. Cassius says it’s only business, nothing personal.
21. The monster shows up. Cassius tries to sacrifice Lillith to the monster. Samson comes in with a torch and kills the monster. It melts away into the deck and nothing is left but a puddle of mud.
22. Cassius recovers his gun and holds it on them.
23. The monster is resurrected (a thin line of watery mud ran toward the edge of the boat at into the river)
24. The monster kills Cassius.
25. The monster turns into a pretty woman who looks like Lillith. She stands there for a moment, then dissolves into water and mud that runs back into the river and is gone.
26. The fog dissipates. The snag lets go of the boat.

1. Clue: Seaweed on the Paddlewheel
• What Demands It?
o A crewman inspects the paddlewheel and finds it clogged with long strands of wet, dark seaweed. This seaweed is unusual. It shouldn’t be here.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o The Mississippi doesn’t have this kind of seaweed.
o It hints that the boat at something unnatural going on.
• What It Leads To?
o Sets up the Revenant Queen’s influence over the river—the first suggestion that the river itself is working against them.
o The audience wants to know why the river is behaving this way.
2. Clue: Tendrils of Mud Pulling a Crewman Under
• What Demands It?
o The audience already suspects something is wrong with the river (from the seaweed).
o A crewman is sent to clear the paddlewheel but tendrils of mud and water pull him under the water.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o It proves something lurks beneath the water, but we don’t know what yet.
o Is it a creature? A ghost? A force of nature?
• What It Leads To?
o Urgency increases—is the boat itself cursed?
o The characters must look into the boat’s past to explain the supernatural attack.

3. Clue: The Riverboat is Cursed—Terrible Things Happened Aboard
• What Demands It?
o A crew member whispering to Samson that the riverboat is cursed:
 “We never should have taken this route. This boat is cursed.”
o When pressed, the crew refuses to talk—suggesting fear and superstition.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Now, both the crew and the audience want to know: what happened here?
o A cursed boat means a history of horror—but what exactly?
• What It Leads To?
o The gambler and Lilith must find records, old stories, or people who know the truth.

4. Clue: Men Watching the Women Dance & Discussing Who Wants Whom
• What Demands It?
o A dancer goes missing.
o The captain believes she is probably with one of his rich men. Lillith knows that can’t be true.
o Meanwhile, the rich men continue their drunken discussions of who they’ll “take.”
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o At first, it seems harmless, but once a girl disappears, the audience realizes this isn’t just talk.
o Now, the audience wants to know what happened to the dancer.
• What It Leads To?
o Someone needs to check below deck.

5. Clue: Death of the Rich Men
• What Demands It?
o The audience is suspicious of the missing dancer—then all of the wealthy buyers are found dead.
o They drowned in a locked room while conducting the auction.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Now we have a murder mystery.
o What killed them? How did all that water and mud get in there. Why are all the fixtures rusted?
o The audience demands to know what is happening and if this is connected to the missing dancer.
• What It Leads To?
o The boat is going to return to dock.

6. Clue: The Attack on Samson While He Frees the Snag
• What Demands It?
o The boat is caught on something underwater.
o The captain orders Samson to go free the snag.
o The audience knows something supernatural is in the river, so there’s high tension.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o What is under the water?
o The Revenant Queen’s power is expanding—what will she do next?
• What It Leads To?
o Further proof that the monster isn’t random—it has an agenda.
o The audience wants to know what it is.

7. Clue: Fog Rolls In Smelling of Rot
• What Demands It?
o After the attack on Samson, the fog closes in.
o It smells of decay, and whispers echo through it.
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Is the monster moving with the fog?
o The voices aren’t just random—they are pleading, crying, and accusing.
o The audience demands to know whose voices these are.
• What It Leads To?
o The is filled with the voices of the women who died with her. They are calling out their names so they won’t be forgotten.

8. Clue: Bonnie Lou Has a Liaison with Cassius & Is Killed by the Revenant Queen
What Demands It?
• A dancer has already disappeared, but the rich men act like nothing is wrong.
• Bonnie Lou seems unconcerned—maybe she knows something.
• She sneaks into Cassius’ cabin, where they make love and he makes her promises he has not intention of keeping. He assures her:
o “You and I, we know how to pick the right side.”
Why Does This Create Demand?
• What is the right side Bonnie Lou has picked?
• Is Bonnie Lou betraying her friends in some way?
What It Leads To?
• This sets Bonnie Lou up to be the next victim.

9. Clue: Bonnie Lou is Killed by the Revenant Queen

What Demands It?
• Bonnie Lou confidently leaves Cassius’ cabin, thinking she is on the winning side.
• But she is a traitor and needs to be killed
Why Does This Create Demand?
• The Revenant Queen hasn’t fully revealed herself yet—this is the first extended interaction.
• Bonnie Lou is why is the monster targeting her now?
• The audience demands to know what Bonnie Lou was caught up in. Was she killed because she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Was it a moral statement about sex? Or was it about whatever Cassius referred to earlier?
What It Leads To?
• This raises the stakes—now, no one is safe.
• The audience need to know: How does the monster choose its victims? What does it want?

10. Clue: Lilith Discovers All the Girls Are Missing

What Demands It?
• The Dancers don’t show up for rehearsal. Lillith has a bad feeling about this.
• The gambler notices the halls are too quiet, and the usual laughter and conversation from the girls’ quarters is missing.
• Lilith and Quinn checks the rooms. Empty.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Bonnie Lou was killed. Are they all dead now?
• The audience demands to know where the women are—and if they’re still alive.

What It Leads To?
• Lillith’s determination to call out the monster with her witchcraft.
• Quinn is both skeptical and thinking this isn’t a good idea.

11. The Girls Are Locked in Cages Below Deck—Jonas Is Their Keeper
• What Demands It?
o Jonas leads us to a secret room below decks.
o We find all the girls in changes.
o We find the missing dancers—locked in cages.
o Jonas suggests Lillith will be joining them soon
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o The audience demands to know why the are locked up
o Will they get Lillith?
o What about the monster. These girls can’t run if it finds them.
• What It Leads To?
o Jonas going off to kidnap Lillith

12. Clue: Lillith calls the monster through her spell.
• What Demands It?
o The missing girls are Lillith’s motivation. She wants to know what the monster wants.
o The pentagram can’t hold the amorphous shape of the monster. It escapes and comes toward Lilith
o It doesn’t attack. It reaches out and touches her Locket.
o Quinn attacks
o Quinn flees from the monster. Knocks over salt. The monster retreats
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o What is Lilith’s connection to the monster?
o The audience now realizes this is personal.
• What It Leads To?
o Lilith must reveal her family history.
o We now know the monster has a weakness – salt

13. Clue: Lilith Reveals Her History to Quinn

What Demands It?
• The Revenant Queen has reacted to Lilith’s locket, as if recognizing it.
• The fog has been whispering names, but no one understands why.
• Quinn has been pushing for answers—why is Lilith really here?
• Quinn confronts Lilith in her cabin:
o “You know something, don’t you? This isn’t just business for you. This is personal.”
• Lilith hesitates, then finally unlocks her trunk.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• What does Lilith know that she hasn’t said?
• Why does the Revenant Queen recognize her?
• Are the women from the newspaper articles the same ones haunting the boat?
• The audience demands to know if Lilith is connected to the monster—or if she’s in danger from it.

What It Leads To?
• Lilith pulls out her locket—inside is a photo of her grandmother and a lock of her hair.
• She spreads newspaper clippings across the bed—articles about a “disaster” on this very boat decades ago.
• Quinn skims the pages, then freezes.
o The names in the articles are the same ones the fog has been whispering.
• Lilith’s voice trembles as she says:
o “My grandmother was on this boat the night it disappeared. She was never seen again.”
o “I came here to find out what happened to her… and all the others.”
• Quinn exhales sharply.
o “Lilith… I think we just found them.”
• Now, the audience demands to know—will the Revenant Queen see Lilith as an enemy… or as family?
•
14. Clue: Jonas is Killed by the Revenant Queen (Unseen by Lilith & Quinn)

What Demands It?
• Lilith and Quinn are deep in conversation, uncovering the truth about her past and the Revenant Queen’s victims.
• As they piece together the ship’s history, the whispers in the fog, and the missing girls, one urgent question remains:
o “Where are the girls now?”
• The audience knows that Jonas is the only one who knows.
• Meanwhile, Jonas is looking for Lillith. He confronts her and Quinn.
• Jonas bursts into the room to kidnap Lillith
• The monster comes up behind him and embraces him. When it lets go, he is covered in leeches which suck him dry. The leeches fall off his desiccated corpse, then begin to explode, spreading blood everywhere. The monster with draws.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience knows Jonas holds the key to the hidden room.

What It Leads To?
• The audience wonders how they will find the girls in the hidden room.
• The audience is also getting the idea that this monster is out for revenge or something other than just killing what comes in it’s path.
• Quinn and Lillith splitting up. Lillith looking for the girls and Quinn going to Cassius cabin.

10. Clue: The Auction Ledger—Cassius’ Full Guilt Revealed
• What Demands It?
o We discover that Cassius was conducting an auction, auctioning the dancers and Lillith to the highest bidder (all of who are dead now)
o He also finds Cassius’ grandfather ledger and realizes that Lillith’s grandmother and the other women were auctioned off as well.
o He finds a set of keys
• Why Does This Create Demand?
o Is The monster after all the traffickers? Is Cassius next?
o Where is Cassius and what is he doing now?
o Is Lillith in danger from him.
• What It Leads To?
o A confrontation with Quinn and Lillith
o The final confrontation—the monster’s revenge.
o Keys to the girls cages
o
15. Clue: The Revenant Queen Finds Lilith and Chases Her Below Deck

What Demands It?
• Just when we thought Lillith was safe from the monster, it’s now after her.
• We are going below decks to where the girls are in a hidden room
• We discover another way to thwart the monster. Now we have two ways and we have hope for survival.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The Revenant Queen has never moved this aggressively before.
• Why is she after Lilith now?
• The audience demands to know—will Lilith survive, or is she the next victim?

What It Leads To?

• Lillith is able to hide from the monster.
• When the monster breaks down the door to the hidden room, Lillith hears her girls screaming
• Lillith finds a torch and a way to light it. She goes after the monster with the torch. The monster flees.
• Lillith finds the girls, but has no key to the cages.

16. Clue: The Captain Tries to Escape, but the Boat Devours Him

What Demands It?
• Cassius is still in control—but not for long.
• The Captain has seen the Revenant Queen kill.
• He knows what’s coming.
• He isn’t waiting to find out if he’s next.
• Cassius wants to get on the Rowboat with the Captain, but the Captain salutes and rows away.
• The rowboat turns into a living being (part of the monster) and devours him.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The Captain was part of the original crime.
• The audience knows he deserves to die—but how will it happen?
• Does he think he can outrun the river itself?

What It Leads To?
• The audience now has the satisfaction of knowing the bad guy just had a gruesome death.
• The audience demands to know—who’s next?

17. Clue: Samson Climbs Back Aboard

What Demands It?
• The heroes are running out of time.
• The Revenant Queen is stronger than ever.
• They need help.
• We need a good resurrection of a good guy.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Samson was lost earlier in the film.
• The audience thought he was dead—how did he survive?
• Will he turn the tide of the fight, or is he too late?

What It Leads To?
• How did Samson survive? Why did he survive? What is he going to do now?

18. Clue: Quinn & Lilith Confront Cassius; He Denies Everything Until Quinn Throws the Ledger at Him

What Demands It?
• The evidence is undeniable.
• The girls are locked up, the buyers are dead.
• Cassius is the last loose end.
• The Revenant Queen has taken her vengeance on the worst offenders

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Cassius has been untouchable until now.
• The audience needs to see him answer for his and his grandfather’s crimes.
• Will he break, or will he fight?

What It Leads To?
• An epic confrontation with the monster.

19. Clue: The Monster Arrives; Cassius Tries to Sacrifice Lilith

What Demands It?
• Cassius is cornered.
• The Revenant Queen is coming.
• He has one last, desperate move.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience demands to know—will Cassius actually get away?
• Will the Revenant Queen let him live if he gives her Lilith?

What It Leads To?
• Quinn is knocked out.
• Cassius grabs Lilith, shoving her forward.
o “This is what you want, isn’t it?”
• The Revenant Queen halts.
• The audience demands to know—will she take the deal? Or will she take her revenge?

21.Clue: Samson Comes in With a Torch and Kills the Monster

What Demands It?
• The Revenant Queen hesitated.
• Lilith was moments from being taken.
• The heroes needed a way to stop her.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience demands to know if fire is enough to stop her for good.
• Is the nightmare finally over?

What It Leads To?
• Samson bursts in, torch in hand.
• Flames arc through the air, striking the monster.
• The Revenant Queen howls, her body melting into the deck like burning wax.
• Nothing remains but a puddle of thick, black mud.
• The audience exhales—but is it truly over?

22.Clue: Cassius Recovers His Gun and Holds It on Them

What Demands It?
• The monster is dead (or so they think).
• The human villain is still standing.
• Cassius is not done fighting. He always gets what he wants.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Will he kill them and escape?
• The audience demands to know who gets the final justice—man or monster?

What It Leads To?
• Cassius grabs his gun, leveling it at Lilith and Quinn.
o “I should’ve shot you both earlier.”
• The audience demands to know—will they make it out alive?

23. Clue: The Monster is Resurrected (A Thin Line of Watery Mud Runs Into the River)

What Demands It?
• Cassius believes he won.
• The Revenant Queen should be gone.
• But something moves—just barely.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience sees it before the characters.
• Is she coming back? Is it for Cassius, or for all of them?

What It Leads To?
• A thin line of black mud slithers toward the edge of the boat.
• It reaches the water—and disappears.
• The audience demands to know—what happens now?

24. Clue: The Monster Kills Cassius

What Demands It?
• Cassius still has the gun.
• He’s ready to end this.
• But the river has other plans.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Does Cassius get away, or does the river take what it is owed?
• The audience demands to see true justice.

What It Leads To?
• Cassius smirks, stepping forward—gun aimed, finger tightening on the trigger.
• The Revenant Queen rises up behind him, injects him with water, and he explodes.

25. Clue: The Monster Turns into a Pretty Woman Who Looks Like Lilith, Then Dissolves

What Demands It?
• Cassius is gone.
• The revenge is complete.
• But something is still here.

Why Does This Create Demand?
• The audience demands to know—what is the Revenant Queen now?
• Is she at peace, or is she something else?

What It Leads To?
• A figure stands where Cassius fell.
• Not a monster, not mud—just a woman.
• She looks like Lilith.
• She smiles—soft, sad.
• Then—she dissolves into water, slipping back into the river.
• Is she finally free, or will she continue to haunt the waters of the Mississippi?
•
26.Clue: The Fog Dissipates. The Snag Lets Go of the Boat.

What Demands It?
• The battle is over.
• The river is silent.
• The boat has been trapped this whole time—but why?

Why Does This Create Demand?
• Was the ship being held until justice was served?
• The audience demands to know if this nightmare is truly over.

What It Leads To?
• The fog begins to lift.
• The air feels lighter.
• The boat shudders—then drifts forward, finally free.
• Lilith exhales.
o “It’s over.”
• The audience finally breathes—justice has been served.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Character Death Track

What I learned from this assignment is that it is more exciting to have the monster kill in various ways instead of the same way for each death. It’s exciting to up the anti on how the characters are killed making each death more terrible than the one before.

Act One – Set Up For Horror

Atmosphere of Evil Established- Crew member is trying to remove weird seaweed from paddle unseen by anyone but the audience.

Horror Situation: Crew member is grabbed by a tendril of mud and dragged back into the depths of the river. Samson hears a scream and investigates, but the paddle wheel is now free of seaweed so he assumes the crew member did his job.

Reaction – Escape: The crew member makes it back onto the deck.

Horror Situation: Crew member is grabbed by a tendril of mud and dragged back into the depths of the river. Samson hears a scream and investigates, but the paddle wheel is now free of seaweed so he assumes the crew member did his job.

Death: Crew Member

Why: He’s part of making this cruise happen

How: He’s dragged into the river by muddy tendrils and drowned

Connect with characters. Passengers and women arrive for the cruise for the inaugural cruise of the newly restored Revenant Queen.

Denial of Horror – Samson reports the missing crew member but captain thinks he just ran off. Samson and the Captain are warned that the riverboat is cursed but the Captain laughs it off. Samson isn’t so sure.

Safety Taken Away – the body of the crew member floats to the surface.

Horror Situation: Screams are heard from inside a room. The doors are locked and no one can get in.

Death: A room full of men

Why: The men were conducting an auction of the women performers

How: It’s not seen on camera, but the aftermath shows the room dripping with water and mud, and the men drowned.

Reaction: Break into the room and discover all of the men are missing. The room is covered with slime, mud, and water. Confusion and apprehensive. They decide to take the boat back, but…

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:– The boat hits a snag.

Reaction – Denial – The captain sends Samson into the water to free the snag.

Monster: We see tendrils break the surface.

Horror Situation: Samson is attacked by giant Catfish

Reaction and Escape: Quinn tries to save Samson.

Death: Samson

How: He gets into the water to remove the snag and is attacked by giant catfish. Quinn tries to save him, but he is pulled away and under.

Why: He’s in the water. However, he will be the one who returns later on.

Act 2, Point of No Return

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted A thick fog rolls in. It’s impossible to see to remove the snag.

Horror Situation: Bonnie Lou disappears.

Death: Bonnie Lou

Why: She has just come from giving Cassius information on the girls. She is in on the auction.

How: She is confronted by a form we only see in shadow. But the aura of this creature is water, and Bonnie gasps, unable to breathe. Water burbles out of her mouth. She drowns. Tendrils snake in and take her away. She is found later splayed out on the paddlewheel.

Reaction : Quinn and Lilith search for her.

Horror Situation: Quinn and Lilith join him, and they follow the sounds. They hear a plop, as if something fell into the river. They find Bonnie Lou’s body splayed out on the paddle wheel covered in mud
.
Midpoint

Reaction: Lilith makes a speech to reveal the monster.

Horror Situation: An Amorphous humanoid figure bursts into the room

Reaction: Quinn and Lilith run through the halls of the riverboat. They Hide

Horror Situation: The monster finds them but doesn’t attack. She shows her face. Then Jonas comes in.

Reaction: Try to figure it out. Why didn’t it kill them? It was a woman under all that mud. What is happening?

Death: Jonas

Why: Jonas has locked up the girls, so they can’t escape. He bursts in when the monster is confronting Quinn and Lilith.

How: The monster embraces Jonas. When she pulls away, he is covered in leeches which suck him dry of blood. Then, every leech explodes, spreading blood all over the room.
Terrorized: The monster is now roaming the corridors. She finds the girls, but Lilith gets there and throws salt on her. The monster flees in pain.

Act 3 – Full Out Horror

Hysteria

The Captain is lowering a private rowboat into the river. It is the only one that hasn’t been sabotaged.

Death: Captain

Why: he is trying to escape in a rowboat and is in on the auction

How: The rowboat becomes a part of the monster’s body, and the Captain is folded up into her.

Horror Situation: The monster finds Lillith alone and chases her through the corridors.

Reaction: Lilith hides in a room. The monster begins to leak under the door, but then pulls back and moves on. Lilith discovers Cassius books and the fact that he was selling her and her girls to the highest buyer.

Resurrection: Samson climbs up to the riverboat deck.

How: Monster kept him prisoner but didn’t kill him. He broke free.

Horror Situation: Quinn and Lilith confront Cassius. The monster finds them.

Reaction: Hysteria. Cassius tries to sacrifice Lilith to the monster. Quinn grabs Cassius. It’s a fight to the death here.

Death: The Monster

Why: Because it’s the monster

How: Samson comes in with a bag of Salt, which dries her up and breaks her connection to the river.

Death returns to take one more. Cassius gets a gun and holds it on Quinn, Lilith and Samson. He is going to kill Quinn, keep Samson as a slave, and sell Lilith.

Resurrection of the Monster

Death: Cassius

Why: He’s the real villain of the story

How: The monster uses a tendril like a needle and injects copious amounts of river water into him until he explodes into a mess of water, mud and crawly things.

Resolution: The monster returns, but turns into a woman. Acknowledgement of the familial connection to Quinn. Then she returns to the river and is gone. The snag and the fog disappear and the riverboat is free to return to shore.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Horror Situations

The Revenant Queen

While cruising up the Mississippi in the 1800s, the riverboat hits a snag, and fog rolls in. The river itself doesn’t let anyone clear the snag or escape. Our protagonists must battle both human traffickers and a monster from the depths of the river to survive.

What I learned from this assignment is that the reaction to the horror is as important as the horror itself. Varying the reactions keep the story interesting and the terror alive.

Act One – Set Up For Horror

Atmosphere of Evil Established- Crew member is trying to remove weird seaweed from paddle unseen by anyone but the audience.

Reaction – Escape: The crew member makes it back onto the deck.

Horror Situation: Crew member is grabbed by a tendril of mud and dragged back into the depths of the river. Samson hears a scream and investigates, but the paddle wheel is now free of seaweed so he assumes the crew member did his job.

Connect with characters. Passengers and women arrive for the cruise for the inaugural cruise of the newly restored Revenant Queen.

Denial of Horror – Samson reports the missing crew member but captain thinks he just ran off. Samson and the Captain are warned that the riverboat is cursed but the Captain laughs it off. Samson isn’t so sure.

Safety Taken Away – the body of the crew member floats to the surface.

Horror Situation: Screams are heard from inside a room. The doors are locked and no one can get in.

Reaction: Break into the room and discover all of the men are missing. The room is covered with slime, mud, and water. Confusion and apprehensive. They decide to take the boat back, but…

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:– The boat hits a snag.

Reaction – Denial – The captain sends Samson into the water to free the snag.

Monster: We see tendrils break the surface.

Horror Situation: Samson is attacked by giant Catfish

Reaction and Escape: Samson is pulled from the water by Quinn.

Act 2, Point of No Return

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted A thick fog rolls in. It’s impossible to see to remove the snag.

Horror Situation: Bonnie Lou disappears.

Reaction : Quinn and Lilith search for her.

Horror Situation: Samson hears wet, squish sounds. Quinn and Lilith join him, and they follow the sounds. They hear a plop, as if something fell into the river.

Character Death: They find Bonnie Lou’s body splayed out on the paddle wheel covered in mud.

Midpoint

Reaction: Lilith makes a speech to reveal the monster.

Horror Situation: An Amorphous humanoid figure bursts into the room

Reaction: Quinn and Lilith run through the halls of the riverboat. They Hide

Horror Situation: The monster finds them but doesn’t attack. She shows her face. Then Jonas comes in. The monster embraces Jonas, and when she pulls away, he is covered in leeches who suck him dry, then POP and blood goes everywhere. The monster leaves.

Reaction: Try to figure it out. Why didn’t it kill them? It was a woman under all that mud. What is happening?

Terrorized: The monster is now roaming the corridors. She finds the girls, but Lilith gets there and throws salt on her. The monster flees in pain.

Act 3 – Full Out Horror

Hysteria – The Captain is lowering a private rowboat into the river. It is the only one that hasn’t been sabotaged.

A Character Dies: But the monster finds him first. This is a fight to the death.

Horror Situation: The monster finds Lillith alone and chases her through the corridors.

Reaction: Lilith hides in a room. The monster begins to leak under the door, but then pulls back and moves on. Lilith discovers Cassius books and the fact that he was selling her and her girls to the highest buyer.

Horror Situation: Quinn and Lilith confront Cassius. HThe monster finds them.

Reaction: Hysteria. Cassius tries to sacrifice Lilith to the monster. Quinn uses Salt to destroy the Monster
.
Death returns to take one more. Cassius gets a gun and holds it on Quinn and Lilith. He is going to kill Quinn and sell Lilith. But the Monster rises up once more and drags Cassius into the depths.

Resolution: The monster returns, but turns into a woman. Acknowledgement of the familial connection to Quinn. Then she returns to the river and is gone. The snag and the fog disappear and the riverboat is free to return to shore.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Horror Plot

The Revenant Queen

While cruising up the Mississippi in the 1800s, the riverboat hits a snag, and fog rolls in. The river itself doesn’t let anyone clear the snag or escape. Our protagonists must battle both human traffickers and a monster from the depths of the river to survive.

Prologue:
Cassius inspects the newly refurbished Revenant Queen River Boat before her inaugural cruise. He’s unhappy with the seaweed on the paddlewheel. A crew member is berated, but he swears it wasn’t there earlier this morning. He is tasked with cleaning it. He gets into the water, and the water rises up and pulls him under with all of the vines on the paddlewheel. He struggles but is pulled down into the murky depths.
Act One
Quin, the professional gambler, greets the ladies as he comes on board. It’s obvious he’s a ladies man. Lilith isn’t buying it and ushers the ladies into their quarters.
Quinn meets the captain and rich men he’s been hired to fleece.
Samson is warned against this cruise. The Revenant Queen is cursed. Cassius’ father died on the ship. Jonas makes fun of Samson and any superstition. This boat is going to be lucky for him.
The women dance cancan for the men.
Rich men in a room while the auction is going on—are found all dead. The walls are dripping with muddy water and detritus and the brand new fixtures are all rusted.
Act Two
Boat is out in the middle of the Mississippi and turns to go back. Suddenly it lurches, caught on a snag. Samson goes into the water to free the snag, and is attacked by giant cat fish. He is pulled from the water by Quin, narrowly escaping death.
A thick fog rolls in, smelling of death things in the river.
Bonne Lou is killed.
Midpoint
Lilith does a spell to reveal the monster. A amorphous human-like form rises up from the river. It’s form is flowing-tendrils growing and then sinking back in to the mass of mud and river detritus. She goes after Lilith and Quin, but ends up finding and killing Jonas.
The monster leaves Quinn and Lilith alive. Why? They start to investigate.
Now the monster is loose and there is a chase through the claustrophobic space of the riverboat. Lilith and Quinn go after her. Lilith thinks maybe salt will deter her.
The monster finds the girls, who are screaming and scattering. Lilith throws salt on the monster. She screams and flees.
The Captain is lowering a private rowboat into the river. It is the only one that hasn’t been sabotaged.
But the monster finds him first. This is a fight to the death.
The monster finds Lillith alone and chases her through the corridors. Lilith hides in a room. The monster begins to leak under the door, but then pulls back and moves on. Lilith discovers Cassius books and the fact that he was selling her and her girls to the highest buyer.
Quinn uses salt to kill the monster.
Lilith tells Quinn about the trafficking. Quinn tells that his grandmother disappeared on the Revenant Queen at the time Cassius’ father died.
They confront Cassius. Cassius pulls a gun. But the Revenant Queen isn’t done. She takes Cassius into the depths of the Mississippi with her.
The snag and the fog magically disappear and the remaining crew take the riverboat back to dock.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Characters for Horror

This assignment helped me quiet all the ideas roiling around in my head. It gave me a framework in which to start choosing my characters and their roles. It also made me think about what is bringing these people together. We call it the “why now” in short story writing. Focus is the name of the game here.

Group

Social Event – The event, unknown to most of the crew, is an auction of women to men for wives/sex slaves on a riverboat.

Main Characters

Lilith Moreau -Leader – Lilith is protective of her dancers. They are not prostitutes, and she makes sure they stay that way. She is also a witch, so very able to protect herself and her girls. She is the protector and the driving force behind solving the mystery.

Quincy “Quin” Booker – Reluctant Hero/Rebel Rule Breaker. Quin doesn’t care what it takes to win in high-stakes games. In other words, he is very good at sleight of hand. Some call it cheating. Quin calls it just one more skill a poker player needs. This penchant for breaking the rules grates on Lamar, but when it comes to uncovering the deep conspiracy on this boat, Cassius is the one you want on your side.

Cassius “Cash” Tate – The Carrier – Born into wealth that was built on the back of slaves and the trafficking of women. His father, who met a grisly end, first used The Revenant Queen riverboat to transport kidnapped women to sell to the miners in the gold fields at the northernmost part of the river. Cassius has upgraded and is selling high rollers. Resurrecting this business is what raises the Revenant Queen monster.

Harlan Graves – Obnoxious – He’s the boat’s captain and thinks that makes him a god. He is misogynistic and is complicit in the sale of these women, and terrible to his crew. He tries to be as classy as Cassius but is fooling himself.

Juliette “Jules” Deveraux – Innocent – The best can-can dancer. Her husband died, and her land was stolen. She was left destitute. She found Lamar, and they have been fast friends ever since. She’s dedicated to helping women who ended up like her to be able to make a living without selling their bodies.
Samson – Loner/Introvert – Samson is a black man (slave) and was so named because he is big and strong. He works on the riverboat loading and unloading cargo. He is deathly afraid of water and cannot swim. He’s a good guy.

Jonas Drake – Complainer – He suffers the captain’s abuse because there is a big payout at the end. So big, he plans on claiming one of the women for himself and disappearing into the gold fields to make his true fortune. But he hates everyone and everything and believes the world owes him.

Bonnie Lou Grayson – The Betrayer, Sacrificial Lamb, Red Herring – Bonnie is one of Lilith’s girls but is working with Cassius. She’s sleeping with him on the sly, thinking he will make her the madame on the ship when all is said and done. When she is killed, we won’t know about the betrayal, so it will make it look like the girls are being killed and muddy the mystery.

Ancillary Characters

There will be half a dozen men who have come on board for the auction. These men will be found dead in a room where the refurbishing has been destroyed. It is dripping with mud and detritus, the wallpaper is peeling, the fixtures are rusting, and all the men look like they downed. This happens in Act One, so they are considered Monster Bair or Sacrificial Lambs and establish the horror.

There are 4 can-can girls (including Juliette). They begin to disappear one by one in Act One. After the above is found, Cassius keeps the women locked up, even though his buyers are dead. They will be rescued toward the end of the film.

Dying Pattern

In Act One, there will be a mass event in which the buyers die. This establishes the horror and mystery because no one understands what has happened.
After the mass event, people will begin to die one by one until our protagonists are able to solve the mystery.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 1 week ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Terrifying Monster
I learned to lean into the terrifying way Revenant Queen kills. I really concentrated on exploiting people’s natural fears of drowning, of being eaten alive, of icky creatures. Oh it’s so much fun.

The Revenant Queen

Her Terror

The Revenant Queen exerts a suffocating aura that makes every breath feel like drowning. And they are drowning. She has a legion of leeches that live within her muddy body that can swarm and overcome a victim, bleeding them dry in seconds. And finally, she drags victims into the depths of the Mississippi, where giant catfish attack and devour them alive.
Her Mystery
No one knows her true name or the full story of her death—. Some say she was betrayed by her lover; others claim she was a kidnap victim who ended up tied to an anchor and drowned in the muddy depths of the Mississippi. Still others believe she is the vengeful spirit of the river itself. Her motivations remain as murky as the water she commands.

Her Fear-Provoking Appearance

Her body is a grotesque amalgamation of mud, broken bones, and shards of pottery, her limbs elongating into dripping tendrils. Her featureless face shifts unnervingly, sometimes mimicking the faces of her victims. Leeches crawl from her body, writhing in pools of black water that form wherever she moves.

Rules

• She is bound to the river and cannot stray far from its waters. At least one tendril must be in the water as she slides aboard the boat. This tendril is vulnerable to an ax, but it doesn’t kill her; it simply means she must immediately return to the river and regroup.
• She doesn’t want to harm those who are truly innocent or are victims themselves, but she will let nothing stand between her and anyone guilty of betrayal or exploitation.
• Light, fire, and salt weaken her, forcing her to retreat or reform her body.
• Her power is strongest at night and in the fog, where she blends with her environment.

Her Mythology

The Revenant Queen was a woman who boarded the paddle boat expecting to be the bride of a rich man. The captain was going to marry them. Instead, she was thrown into the hold with 6 other women who were being kidnapped and taken to the gold fields in the northmost part of the river and auctioned off as brides to miners. The Queen led an almost successful escape attempt. The men decided they couldn’t afford to keep her as she was a leader of the women and used her as an example to keep the other women in line. They tied her to the anchor, dropped her to the bottom of the river, and then moved the boat slowly forward, dragging the anchor along the muddy bottom. She rose from the depths to get revenge but hasn’t been seen since. There are whispers about her among the Rivermen, and many mishaps have been blamed on her. Perhaps she has been the cause of people who have gone missing, but perhaps it is just the nature of living on the river in the 1800s.

In this first movie, the boat has been refurbished, and a descendant of the rich man who betrayed her is looking to continue his trafficking ways. This is what raises her from the depths.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Title: The Revenant Queen
Lesson 1 – Horror Conventions

What I learned from this lesson: First, I learned how the juxtaposition of innocence and evil in the “monster” is incredibly disturbing. Having a monster do something so unexpected as dancing ballet to classical music is just brilliant. Also, she has an interesting backstory that resonates with the protagonist, and in the end twists expectation in an emotional resonate ending. I learned to look at my monster and try to find the unexpected that could keep audiences wincing in their seats.

Title / Concept:

ABIGAIL directly references the central character, a young ballerina who is revealed to be a vampire. This straightforward naming centers the narrative on her dual nature and the unfolding horror.

Concept: The film blends elements of horror and dark comedy, following a group of criminals who kidnap Abigail, intending to ransom her, only to discover her vampiric nature. This subversion of the typical hostage scenario introduces a unique twist to the horror genre.

Terrorize the Characters:

The kidnappers, initially in control, become the hunted as Abigail reveals her true nature. The terror is amplified as they are trapped within a secluded mansion where they become prey. The shift from captors to prey creates a palpable sense of dread and helplessness. Also, having this monster dance ballet is so incredibly disturbing. And then add in the fear of becoming a “meat puppet” after being bitten. Abigail can take over your body then and betray your friends.

Isolation:

The setting—a remote, dilapidated mansion—serves to isolate the characters physically and psychologically. Cut off from the outside world and any potential aid, the kidnappers must confront the horrors within the house and within themselves, heightening the tension and sense of entrapment.

Death:

Death is a constant presence, depicted through graphic and inventive kill scenes. Abigail’s methods are both brutal and theatrical, reflecting her ballerina background. The film does not shy away from gore, using it to underscore the stakes and the monstrous nature of Abigail.

Monster/Villain:

Monster/Villain: Abigail herself embodies the monster, juxtaposing her innocent appearance with her predatory instincts. Her vampirism is central to the horror, challenging the kidnappers’ perceptions and forcing them to confront a supernatural threat they are ill-prepared to handle.

High Tension:

Tension escalates as the kidnappers’ plans unravel. The confined setting, combined with Abigail’s unpredictable attacks, keeps both the characters and the audience in a state of constant suspense. The film balances moments of quiet dread with sudden, violent confrontations, maintaining a relentless pace.

Departure from Reality:

The introduction of a vampire child disrupts the criminals’ reality, forcing them to grapple with the supernatural. The film blends realistic crime elements with fantastical horror, creating a narrative that challenges the characters’ understanding of the world and their place within it.
Then, there is a second twist where one of the kidnappers becomes a vampire more evil than Abigail. Now Abigail is once again a child in need, and forms an alliance with the last kidnapper to take out the evil man. This was a great twist and had real emotional resonance.

Moral Statement:

The film explores themes of innocence corrupted and the consequences of underestimating others based on appearances. It suggests that evil can lurk beneath the most unsuspecting facades and that those who exploit others may find themselves at the mercy of greater predators. It also has an emotional component of mother and child that brings the character arc of the protagonist to a satisfying conclusion.

Debbie’s Concept

Title:
The Revenant Queen

Concept:
A cursed riverboat becomes the stage for a monstrous revenant’s wrath as she rises from the depths of the Mississippi to punish human traffickers, exposing hidden evils and forcing unlikely allies to confront their complicity in the horrors of the past.
Conventions

Terrorize the Characters:
• The Revenant Queen preys on both physical and psychological fears. Her drowning aura slowly suffocates victims, making every breath labored and heightening panic. The constant threat of leeches crawling onto their skin, entrapment on a riverboat caught in a snag in the river and lost in a dense fog that limits visibility. There is fear of the unseen, fear of being alone, fear of what is around the next corner.
Isolation:
• The riverboat is trapped in a supernatural fog, cutting off communication and visibility. The river itself becomes a barrier, alive with malice, preventing anyone from abandoning the boat. The passengers and crew are forced to face the monster—and their own sins—without hope of rescue.
Death:
• Death is grotesque and inevitable for many. Victims are dragged into the river by tendrils of mud, their bodies never resurfacing. Others are overtaken by leeches, their blood drained until they become hollow shells. The Revenant Queen ensures that deaths are drawn out and horrific, reinforcing her vendetta.

Monster/Villain:

• The Revenant Queen: A vengeful spirit created from centuries of suffering and betrayal along the Mississippi. Her body is a grotesque amalgamation of mud, river debris, and bones, symbolizing the weight of her pain.
o Goal: To destroy those who perpetuate the human trafficking and exploitation that mirror her own tragic death.
o Motivation: She cannot rest until the cycle of abuse is broken and those responsible are punished.
o Tragic Element: Her rage blinds her to innocents caught in the crossfire, making her a terrifying but morally complex figure.

High Tension:

• The tension escalates as the characters uncover the dark secrets of the riverboat, including a hidden cargo hold filled with captive women destined for trafficking. Every discovery is met with increasing supernatural retaliation from the Revenant Queen.

Departure from Reality:

• The riverboat’s environment transforms into a surreal nightmare. The once-opulent interiors become waterlogged and rotted, with walls oozing mud and leeches. The river twists in impossible directions, and time itself warps, with passengers reliving fragments of the Revenant Queen’s death. Reality dissolves as the characters spiral into chaos.

Moral Statement:

• Evil thrives when people ignore or excuse the suffering of others. The story highlights the dangers of complicity, greed, and inaction, suggesting that true monsters are those who exploit others for personal gain. However, it also explores redemption, as some characters are forced to atone for their own pasts by confronting the human villains.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  Deborah Daughetee. Reason: I forgot to put in the analysis of the film Abigail and what I learned from this lesson

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi All. I’m Deborah Daughetee. I was a professional writer in televsion for many years until I became to ill to continue. I then turned to prose writing, and have had success in the media tie-in field.
I hope to write a great horror script. I’ve been a fan of horror since I was a little girl, and LOVE horror movies. I’m not a fan of slasher. Instead, I like traditional horror that has a moral to the story. Most recently, I’ve really enjoyed Abigail and Prey for the Devil. They both have emotional components that I believe turn the stories on their ears and make them memorable.
I’d like to learn how to do that myself.
The most unique thing about me is probably the fact that I’m a double lung transplant recipient. I’m living past my expiration date!

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah Daughetee
I agree to the terms of this release form.
s a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Deborah Daughetee]

I learned that planning a campaign is a great way to get good results.

Since we coming into the time of year when people are getting ready for their long holiday hiatus, this is my strategy:

Use this time to make sure my pilot and pitch bible are as good as I can get them.

Get coverage, enter contests. I will rewrite according to coverage notes.

I will continue to watch all of the horror series coming out, take note of the producers and directors and try to connect to them on Linked In/Facebook.

Use IMDB and Linked in to get a network of producers and managers.

Mid-January I will start going out to both producers and managers.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Mark:

Deleted

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deleted

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

deleted

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Query Letter Draft One

I learned not to let curiosity about someone’s story make me give a critique asking for more information. I learned to stick to the criteria laid out for us.

Dear Producer

Since you worked on some of my favorite horror shows, I thought you might want to take a look at my pilot, Invasive Species.

BIO: Deborah Daughetee has written for such television shows as Murder, She Wrote, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Touched by an Angel (under the name of Debbie Smith).

INVASIVE SPECIES

FORMAT: 1-hour Television Drama Horror/Serial

CONCEPT: When archaeologist becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her family, and her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.

What if a career-making discovery signals an alien invasion?

Abigail Resnik and her sister, Renee, have been raised by their grandmother to be warriors in the case of a Reptilian invasion. They never really believed in the stories, but when Abby finds a reptilian skeleton, the pair return home to prepare.

But not before Abby becomes impregnated with alien sperm.

Abby’s wife Cathy brings home a fertility statue for luck in Cathy’s insemination. But something emerges out of the statue and impregnates Abby instead. At her grandmother’s compound, Abby finds a prophecy about the equivalent of a Reptilian Messiah, someone who will release a conquering hoard to take over the earth and enslave humans.

Abby suddenly realizes that the prophesied child is growing in her womb.

When the skeleton at the dig rises and disappears, everyone involved knows that the messiah has been conceived. The Reptilians and Abby’s family both rally to track down the child, one side to kill it, the other side to nurture it.

Now Abby must protect her hybrid child from her family as well as from the enemy.

EPISODE STRUCTURE: I plan for 9 episodes per season. Each week takes Abby deeper into the discovery of the Reptilian Plan, while she hides her child from both sides.

If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot and the bible for 5 seasons.

Deborah Daughetee

IMDB: Debbie Smith

Linked In: Deborah Lynn Daughetee

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deleted

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Horror Plot Track

ACT ONE – SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

Horror Situation: A woman is running through a forest with something big chasing him. We don’t see what it is, but the woman is terrorized.

Reaction Escape: She hides in the hollow of a tree, pulling branches in front of the opening. She tries to quiet her breathing, listening as hard as she can for the monster.

Horror Situation: Suddenly the tree is sheared off and she is taken and blood and limbs fly.

Connect with Characters

Our characters are on a spacebus headed for a hollow asteroid, where a handful of scientists and military men are already stationed. We get to know each character and why they are headed to the asteroid.

The military men are concerned because there is no response from the asteroid.

Denial of Horror

The pilot says communications have been funky and that it’s nothing to be worried about. The military aren’t convinced, but the pilot takes them closer in all confidence.

Safety Taken Away

Horror Situation: Suddenly something hits them and they are sucked inside.

Reaction-Escape: our hero pilots the ship to a crash landing, preventing it from being taken wherever it was supposed to be.

Horror Situation: They find the remains of some kind of alien beast.

Reaction-Denial: With the robot leading, they hiked through the forest to base camp where they will find help.

Monster: The nature of the beast

Horror Situation: The group finds the base. There is obvious evidence of horrors that took place here. Some blood. Barricaded room that have been broken into, etc. There are no bodies.

Reaction: The military set watches, the rest try to sleep, but are haunted by what went down here and what it means to them.

Act 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

Horror Situation: Pilot finds a shuttle that could take them all away but wants to test drive it first.

Character Death: They watch as the pilot hits a force field and his ship breaks into pieces.

Reaction: They discuss the fact that they have all missed checking in with earth forces and that they will be coming to rescue them. They need to find a way to stay safe from whatever got the others.

Horror Situation: A huge screen appears on the roof of the asteroid, giving our cast a glimpse of the sky. Then suddenly the stars are moving in a blur—the asteroid is leaving orbit, leaving the solar system.

Reaction: Panic. They are trapped with no help coming. Scientist breaks down.

One of us is killed.

Horror Situation: The monster shows up. It is a hybrid alien beast with the head of the woman in the teaser. This is the doctor’s wife

Character Death: The Doctor is so terrorized by this that he can’t run, can’t do anything, and he is killed.

Reaction: The others escape.

ACT THREE – FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death

Horror Situation: The monster finds them again. They fight and are able to kill it.

Reaction: They are relieved, the monster is dead.

Horror Situation: But Wait! Another monster appears made out of parts of the pilot they all know! This monster is smarter, more deadly. The scientist is dragged away, wounded but not dead. The pilot always had a thing for the scientist and this comes into play… we can imagine what he will do to her with his alien body. The photojournalist, who has seen victims of war horrors, kills her. The fight to the death of the pilot now happens.

Hysteria

Reaction: The rich man keeps his daughter from breaking down, but the photojournalist has a complete breakdown. The Miner tries to comfort her. The military set up a perimeter. The robot disappears and the military now suspect he is infected or is a turncoat and is otherwise bad. Sabrina fights for it.

The thrilling escape from death:

Horror Situation: Sabrina gets separated from the group and is attacked by a monster. She uses her brain to bring help to kill the monsters. Photojournalist is killed or taken.

Reaction: Robot returns with news she has found the intelligence behind the hybrids. People don’t want to trust her. He talks about experiments human conduct on animals. That’s going on here except they are the animals. Stop the scientist and you stop the hybrid monsters.

They follow the robot into a part of the asteroid that actually looks like a ship. There are computers, etc. Sabrina helps the robot to jack into the ship and she begins to shut down life support for the reptilian aliens.

Horror Situation: They find where the monsters were created and see pieces of humans still alive. They kill them all. Then there’s a fight for control of the ship.

Death returns to take one more

Horror Situation: The formidable female Reptilian attacks. The Military Man sacrifices himself to save the others. The alien is badly wounded and escapes in the equivalent of an alien shuttle.

Resolution:

Reaction: The Rich Man, Sabrina and the Miner survive along with the Robot. They are hurtling through space on the way to who knows where. Sabrina and the robot will work on the computers to find a way home. Her father and the Miner will prepare for survival and the chance there are other creatures out there.

Horror Situation: We go out on a snake/human hybrid hiding in
the medical wing.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Phone Pitch

Since I’m pitching a television pilot, I adapted these questions for that. What I learned is that you have to be ready for anything the producer might ask.

Hi, I’m Deborah Daughetee and I have written for such shows at Murder, She Wrote, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and Touched by an Angel.

Today I have a horror series entitled “Invasive Species”.

Would you give birth to an alien/human hybrid child who is prophesized to enslave the human race?

The rising of a Reptilian creature from an ancient grave, signals the conception of a human/alien child whose been foretold will lead an invasion of Earth. When an archaeologist discovers that she is pregnant with the prophesized child, she must protect it from not only the Reptilians, but from her family who wants to destroy it.

Budget range: 1.8 to 3 million per episode

What actors: Grandmother – Sigourney Weaver

Andrea – Mila Kunis

January – Anna De Armas

Debora – Naomi Harris

How many pages is the pilot: 61 plus a bible for 5 season

Who else has seen this: I have it out to 2 other producers at the moment.

Why do you think this fits our company? I see that you have produced other horror series and thought we would be a perfect fit.

End of First Season: Andrea gives birth to hybrid baby and goes on the run.

[Deborah Daughetee]

I learned how to be prepared when attending a Pitch Fest

Hi, I’m Deborah Daughetee and I have written for such shows at Murder, She Wrote, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, and Touched by an Angel.

Today I have a horror series entitled “Invasive Species”.

Would you give birth to an alien/human hybrid child who is prophesized to enslave the human race?

When an archaeologist discovers she is pregnant with an alien/human hybrid, she is forced to run not only from the aliens who want her child to lead an invasion of Earth but from her family, who wants to kill the child and prevent said invasion.

The rising of a Reptilian creature from an ancient grave, signals the conception of a human/alien child whose been foretold will lead an invasion of Earth. When an archaeologist discovers that she is pregnant with the prophesized child, she must protect it from not only the Reptilians but from her family who wants to destroy it.

Budget range: 1.8 to 3 million per episode

What actors: Grandmother – Sigourney Weaver

Andrea – Mila Kunis

January – Anna De Armas

Debora – Naomi Harris

Act 1: Andrea finds the skeleton, Anna is murdered

Act 2: Cathy brings home fertility statue and something comes out of it

Act 3: The skeleton reanimates and kills three people at the dig site, trapping Andrea and January in a trailer.

Act 4: Discover Grandmother is a witch and runs a hidden mystery school. She

realizes that the Reptilian Messiah has been conceived which is the beginning of a Reptilian

invasion.

End of First Season: Andrea gives birth to hybrid baby and goes on the run.

Credibility: First Paragraph

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Characters for Horror

What I learned is that by defining my characters this way, scenes suggest themselves and ideas bloom out of character, which helps to create the best story.

Concept: A reptilian alien princess brings her asteroid spaceship into earth’s solar system in order to trap humans and use them to make and test human-alien creations.

Group: Team of Professionals

Dying Pattern: B most die but several survive.

Characters:

LEADER: ANDRE SPENCE: ANDRE is a rich businessman on the surface, but underneath he is still the special forces leader that he was in the war. He is our leader. SURVIVOR

INNOCENT: EBONIE SPENCE: EBONI is Andre’s 14-year-old daughter who won a trip to the asteroid in a science competition by building a very advanced robot. When the organizers found out her age, they tried to disqualify her, but John used his pull to make them live up to their contest’s rules. She is the Innocent. Monster kills her increasing horror. RESURRECTED: Jack downloads her consciousness into her body and they are now one.

MORAL ONE/ RED HERRING: JACK: The robot that Eboni built. Jack is an AI who learns through experience/observation and through “reading”. She is also made from alien technology sent back from the artifact. She is the Moral One. And Red Herring.

SACRIFICIAL LAMB: SLY STONE: Leader of the military escort of the group. He goes up against Andre for leadership until Andre reveals a tattoo, to which Sly defers. Dies saving the journalist when she does a stupid thing. The monster made the decision

REBEL/RULE BREAKER: SABINA: Sabina is a photojournalist who has covered many wars and been on the front lines. She learned a piece or two about guns and defending herself. Dies because she made a bad decision. After Sly saves her, another monster appears and gets her, too. Andre kills Sly so he can’t be made into a monster, but misses Sabina. Sabina backs into it.

MONSTER BAIT: MAE: A Scientist sent to help Jack integrate with the ship so they can find out more information. She’s our Monster Bait – Frozen by terror. Monster with her husband’s head kills her. HEIGHTENS THE HORROR

DENIER: SENATOR WILLIAM TATE: Senator against using alien technology. He’s on this trip to try and change his position. He’s our Denier/Out of Control/Obnoxious. A character flaw that compels him to make take the wrong action. Dragged off by monster, injured but not dead.

RESCUER: KEV KELLY: The pilot who takes them to the asteroid. He’s supposed to drop them off, then waits in orbit, but he’s trapped with them. First to Die. It increases the horror. He tries to fly the other shuttle, and it blows up.

IAN TATE: Senator Tate’s 15-year-old son stows away on the shuttle. Introvert/Loner SURVIVOR

PEN WRIGHT: Miner sent to check out the viability of mining minerals found on the asteroid. She’s Andre’s love interest. SURVIVOR

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Synopsis Hooks

What I learned is that you don’t have to tell the entire story to have a great synopsis.

My Hooks:

Title: Invasive Species

Unique Hi Concept: When an archaeologist becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her family, and her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.

Timely: People in horror are looking for the next Rosemary’s Baby.

Ultimate: Reptilians and family alike hunting Abby’s child.

Similarity to box office success: Rosemary’s Baby meets Aliens

Great role for a bankable actor

Abby bad-ass archaeologist/warrior against reptilian invasion

January professor of mythology and a powerful witch.

Grandmother: Badass with a bow, sexy competent woman

Renee Doctor/Sister/Warrior

My Synopsis

Title: INVASIVE SPECIES

Written by Deborah Daughetee

Genre: Horror

FORMAT: 1-hour Television Horror

What if a career-making discovery signals an alien invasion?

Abigail Resnik and her sister, Renee, have been raised by their grandmother to be warriors in the case of a Reptilian invasion. They never really believed in the stories, but when Abby uncovers a reptilian skeleton, the pair return home to prepare.

But not before Abby becomes impregnated with alien sperm.

Abby’s wife Cathy brings home a fertility statue for luck in Cathy’s insemination. But something emerges out of the statue and impregnates Abby instead. While there, January, a powerful witch and Abby’s best friend, pulls Abby aside and shows her a prophecy about the equivalent of a Reptilian Messiah, a hybrid who will release a conquering hoard to take over the earth and enslave humans.

Abby suddenly realizes that the prophesied child is growing in her womb.

Now Abby is faced with the decision of whether to protect or destroy the child. The decision is taken from her once again by her wife, Cathy when she drugs Abby and holds her until the child has come to term. January, however, along with detective Paul, rescues Abby just in time for her to give birth. Looking at her child’s face, Abby cannot destroy her. She flees with January and Paul, and the hunt begins.

Now Abby must protect her child not only from the Reptilian invaders but from her family as well.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Marketable Components

What I learned during this assignment is to really boil down the story to the most marketable components.

Logline: When archaeologist becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her family, and her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.

Great title: Invasive Species

Similarity to box office success: This is a cross between Rosemary’s Baby and Aliens. Abby must protect her hybrid reptilian/human newborn not only from the Reptilian invaders but from her own family.

Bankable Actor: Abby is an archeologist who was trained to be a bad-ass warrior against a reptilian invasion. She becomes impregnated with alien sperm and must decide whether to destroy the child or protect it.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s High Concept/Elevator Pitch

What I learned is to work hard on the concept and elevator pitch to make it as concise as possible.

CONCEPT: When archaeologist becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her family, and her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.

ELEVATOR PITCH

Would you give birth to an alien/human hybrid child who is prophesized to enslave the human race?

When an archaeologist discovers she is pregnant with an alien/human hybrid, she is forced to run not only from the aliens who want her child to fulfill the prophecy but from her family, who wants to kill the child and prevent the prophecy from being fulfilled.

[Deborah Daughetee]

1. Deborah Daughetee

2. I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Everyone:

I’m Deborah Daughetee. I’ve written too many tv scripts to count but have only written 5 screenplays.

I hope to come up with a horror movie that can be turned into a franchise.

The most unique thing is I’m a double-lung transplant. Someday I’ll write a horror script around that.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s 10 Most Interesting Things

I learned to pick out the diamonds from the script in order to build a pitch.

A Good Title: Invasive Species

The emotional dilemma is that Gabby, who has been trained to fight the reptilian invasion all of her life, is pregnant with an alien baby. Does she destroy it, or keep it?

B Three strong and unique female characters and one male villian:

Gabby: An archaeologist who has been trained to fight a Reptilian Invasion

January: A professor of mythology and a powerful witch

Grandmother: The matriarch that prepares woman to fight the Reptilian Invasion and another powerful witch.

Marty: Human collaborator with the Reptilian Princess. He controls the hybrids that are more reptilian than human

C Character betrayal:

Marty tells Cathy she will become pregnant with a hybrid who will help save the earth.

Cathy betrays Abby by not telling her the truth about the statue, then keeping Abby drugged so she won’t abort the child

D Reversals: When grandma and sister discover pregnancy, they hunt Abby like any other creature who will facilitate the Reptilian Invasion. (from loving family to enemies)

E Turning Points:

Abby becomes pregnant

Skeleton comes to life

Abby keeps baby, causing family to hunt her

F Hook of opening Scene

Gabby falls through the floor of a mine shaft.

G Big Surprise

Alien sperm comes out of fertility statue

Anna is murdered by reptilian hybrid

H Major twists

Abby becomes pregnant instead of Cathy

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Producer/Manager

Producer Pitch

Title, genre, number of episodes, number of seasons

Logline

What makes the story and the characters unique.

Comparison with big/money-making projects

Manager’s Pitch

Bio (the fact I have experience on staff)

Title/genre

Logline

Goals: To get on staff/To get paid writing assignments

I learned to really tailor each pitch to what the producer or manager is looking for.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Marketable Components

What I learned doing this assignment is to find the hooks that will interest a producer. I also learned that this assignment will help me tweak my script to make it more marketable.

Title: Invasive Species

Logline: When archaeologist Abby Resnik becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her family, and her identity as she fights the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.

The title is one of my strongest elements.

Similarity to Box Office Successes: Rosemary’s Baby meets Aliens

Unique Characters:

Abby: Archaeologist/Bad ass Warrior/Mother

Debora: Zealot/Mond Controlled/Betrayer

Cathy: Straw Bale House Contractor/Environmental Activist/Wife to Abby

January: Professor of Religious Studies/Powerful Witch

[Deborah Daughetee]

Title: Invasive Species Genre: 1-hour Horror Series

Concept: When archaeologist Abby Resnik becomes impregnated by alien sperm, she loses her wife, her best friend, and her identity to fight the invasion of not only her womb but of the earth.

This is a Rosemary’s Baby meets Aliens story with excruciating suspense and building horror.

I think I’ll target television producers first, though I may change my mind and go after managers.

What I learned today is that I’m going to have to spend as much time marketing as I will writing, so I better set myself a schedule.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi everyone. I’m Deborah Daughetee and I’ve written too many television scripts to count as in another life I was a successful television writer. I hope to learn how to market to this very different industry from when I was in television. I am 4 years out from a double-lung transplant and am feeling great!

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah Daughetee

I agree to the terms of this release form

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Scary as hell scenes

I discovered that working all of these emotions into this scene made it a lot scarier than I thought it would be.

Scene: Isolated/Pursued; inside an Asteroid SpaceCraft a man is hiding in a jungle.

Suspense: The man rests with his back against the tree. He’s sweating profusely, eyes darting around him. Clearly, he’s afraid of something.

Panic: Suddenly the sound of something big coming through the jungle toward him. The man whimpers, gets up, looking back at the noise as he runs in panic through the jungle and falls down a hill. He hides behind a tree.

Release: The sound goes in another direction. The man collapses in tears.

Anxiety: The man begins to crawl through the jungle.

Shock: He comes face to face with the huge skull of some kind of beast.

Dread: The man crawls through the remains of the beast. It is nothing early and everything he sees makes his terror grow.

Histeria: The sound comes back and the man scrambles away until he finds a hollow tree and hides within

Release: All goes quiet. The sounds of the jungle come back.

Anguish: The man looks at a picture of his children. He’s still crying. He squeezes his eyes shut and kisses the picture.

Shock: The tree is sheared away and a monstrous claw reaches in and grabs him. He screams and screams until he doesn’t. Blood seeps down the sides of the tree to the ground, where the picture of his two children lay.

Tracking shot up across the tops of the trees, to a hole that looks out into space, and then out to see the jungle was inside an asteroid.

Opening Scene

EXT. JUNGLE – TWILIGHT

A man rests with his back against a tree. The songs of birds and the buzzing of insects make it difficult to hear anything else. The man seems to be listening, though. He’s sweating profusely and his eyes dart from side to side. A light rain starts and the man opens his mouth to catch some water.

Abruptly, all the sounds stop. The man jumps to his feet and looks around, panic filling his eyes. He doesn’t wait long, for the sound of something big crashing through the jungle in his direction sends him sprinting through the jungle. Never mind that branches tear his clothes or that large leaves slap him in the face, or that the ground beneath his feet is turning to mud.

The mud makes his foot slip, and he tumbles down a hill and into a clump of large plants. He hides there, holding his breath as the sound of pursuit goes by him. Bird song and insects sound resume as the man breaks down crying.

Eventually, he crawls through the jungle as quietly as he can. He’s barely holding it together. He parts some leaves and there is a huge head looking at him. He falls back in shock with a small scream, until he realizes it’s the skull of some kind of giant beast.

The jungle has grown over the bones, so the man crawls through the skeleton of this beast, stopping every now and then to listen. He pauses a moment, perhaps thinking this is a good place to hide when two snakes crawl over the back of his legs.

He crawls as fast as he can out of the tunnel as more and more snakes drop down from above. As he emerges, he can hear the beast crashing nearby. He crawls as fast as he can away from the sound, finds a hollow tree, and presses himself inside, covering the entrance with branches and leaves.

He sits in the tree in pure anguish, crying as he pulls out a picture of his children and looks at it. He squeezes his eyes shut kisses the picture.

The tree is suddenly sheared away and a giant claw reaches in to grab the man. He screams and screams… until he doesn’t. Blood rains down into the stump of the tree, drowning the picture of his children.

The camera now rises above the trees and flies over the jungle until it reaches a spaceport, complete with a ship and mining equipment. It continues past all of this, out the opening into

EXT. SPACE – DOESN’T MATTER

the vastness of space, then reverses to see the jungle is inside an asteroid.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy Moments

I learned that using these three in a scene can really help to introduce the horror in your story in a way that eases the audience into it. The scene I wrote wasn’t in my original outline, but it’s absolutely great as the second scene of Act Two. Nothing really happens in my scene, the scare is false but it introduces the hybrid characters and tells us there are creatures out there that we don’t know about. I went more for the creep factor than true horror. I want to create anticipation. Hopefully, this scene does that.

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

The camp is quiet. On the roof of the asteroid, stars are wheeling as if they were really outside on Earth. It is beautiful. The fire still burns with every strewn around it sleeping. We don’t see Sly or his men, or Andre. The robot has found a conduit to plug in and looks like she’s asleep while she’s downloading information.

A soft cough-like noise awakens Eboni. She lies there, listening. She hears it again, behind her.

Eboni sits up and twists to look behind her. Deep, dark shadows pull between the trees making it impossible to see anything. Eboni slowly moves so she sitting on her knees, facing the dark. Suddenly, two glowing eyes appear.

Eboni gasps, but doesn’t move. The eyes suddenly drop down getting closer to the ground. Eboni sits transfixed and the two stare at each other. Finally, Eboni mimics the sound that had awakened her.

The eyes run toward her, so quick that Eboni gasps and falls back on her rear end. In the firelight, we can see a creature with the body of something like a prairie dog but the fuzzy head of something like a red panda.

It stands up to regard Eboni. It’s cute, in a creepy kind of way. Eboni starts to reach out, but the creature is suddenly gone.

Sly puts a hand on Eboni’s shoulder making Eboni jump and let out a little scream. Sly stares into the dark shadows willing them to part so he can see what is there.

Sly

What is it?

Eboni

Nothing. I thought I heard something.

Sly

It’s easy to imagine things when you’re scared.

Eboni

I wasn’t scared until you snuck up on me.

Sly smiles. He likes this girl.

Sly

Go back to sleep. Your dad and my men will keep you safe.

Eboni glances back at the shadows, but there’s nothing. She lies down and closes her eyes. Sly motions one of his men to check out the forest where Eboni was staring. Andre appears beside Sly.

Sly

That’s some daughter you have there.

Andre

Don’t I know it.

Andre nods. He kneels down and covers Eboni, who is already asleep.

The man comes back out of the trees shaking his head. Nothing. Sly nods. All three men go back to their posts. As soon as they are gone, the glowing eyes appear once again.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

I learned that the level 3 emotions really help to make the climactic scene powerful enough to give the audience a sense of satisfaction that the ride they’ve been on has been worth it.

This scene is the climax of Act Three.

INT. ALIEN EXPERIMENTATION LAB – NIGHT

The robot leads them inside, followed by Andre, Sly, Eboni, Ian, and Pen. It seems deserted, but they aren’t letting their guard down.

They walk into the dark room, but their movement makes the lights come up, and they are faced with multiple horrors. Alien animals in various stages of transplantation. Living limbs and heads in vats of liquid.

Eboni, in a state of shock, wanders to another part of the room. The lights come on, and she is face to face with Kev’s head (the pilot from the beginning). It sees and recognizes her, and its mouth begins to move. Eboni screams in horror.

Ian is the first to arrive, but the horror also transfixes him. The others arrive, all but the robot. Andre and Sly watch as Kev’s mouth forms the words, Kill Me, in a silent plea. Sly lifts his gun and shoots the head. The vat breaks, and the head falls out at Ian’s feet. Ian backs away, weeping, falling, caught in hysteria.

Pen kicks the head away while Sly kneels by Ian.

SLY

It’s alright. You’re fine. I won’t let anything happen to you.

Sly’s quiet strength is enough to calm Ian down. Sly helps him to his feet, just as the robot calls from across the room.

Robot

Major, there are aliens present.

The warning comes a bit late, and three reptilian aliens attack. A fierce firefight takes place with Andre, Pen, and Sly trying to protect Eboni and Ian.

Eboni and Ian back away and through a doorway.

INT. ALIEN ZOO

They hear sounds behind them and slowly turn around to find a room of caged aliens. Some are insectoid, some are bird-like, and some have a hippo’s body with a frog face. As soon as they see Ian and Eboni, they scream or call, creating a cacophony of noise.

Ian turns and runs, but Eboni is frozen in place. (panic)

INT. ALIEN LAB

Ian comes barreling out into the room, right into a reptilian alien. He looks up, frozen in terror. Suddenly Sly is there, saving Ian’s life but unable to save his own. The alien takes him down. Andre and Pen appear from nowhere and kill the alien.

Ian kneels beside Sly, crying. Sly puts his and on Ian’s head.

IAN

Please, don’t die.

SLY

It’s all good. I don’t mind dying saving the life of someone worth it.

Eboni comes into the room. Andre comes and looks at Sly’s wound. There’s no hope. The two men grasp hands.

Sly

It’s been an honor.

Andre

The honor is mine.

Sly dies. Ian’s face twists in anguish.

The robot comes to look down at Sly. Eboni takes the robot’s hand. The robot looks down at her.

Robot

I won’t know death.

Eboni

Maybe you will. When I’m not around to keep you in good working order.

The robot stares at Eboni.

Pen is there as Andre stands.

Andre

We need to make sure there aren’t any more surprises.

Pen nods and checks her gun.

Suddenly a panel opens, and there is another reptilian alien, only this one is cleverer than the others. She grabs Eboni and holds her up as a shield, her claws pressing into Eboni’s neck as she makes her way to a panel on the wall. Here she punches in some numbers, and the panel slides away to reveal a ship.

Andre and Pen take up positions on either side. Andre lowers his gun.

Andre

Let her go. You can have me instead.

The Reptilian Princess hisses at him.

ANDRE

If you’re looking to make warriors, I’m better than she is.

The Reptilian speaks in a hissing voice.

REPTILIAN PRINCESS

And yet you are in such anguish you will do anything to save this one’s life. Interesting.

ANDRE

Let her go and take me.

The Reptilian cocks her head and looks at him a moment, then…

Reptilia Princess

No

And she slices her claws across Eboni’s throat. As the blood spurts out, the reptilian throws her out into the room, steps back into her ship, and the door slides shut. Pen’s shots barely dint the metal as the ship moves away.

Andre drops his gun and runs to Eboni’s side, putting his hand over her neck to try and stop the blood. But she can’t. (anguish)

Suddenly the robot is there and takes Eboni away. Andre is livid, but his blows on the robot do not hurt her. She works on Eboni, driving electrodes through her skull and into her brain.

Eboni’s eyes are wide and scared. Then the life drains out of them, and she’s dead.

Andre sobs, nearly collapsing into Pen’s arms. Both Ian and Pen are in tears.

Andre’s anger comes then, and he turns on the robot.

Andre

You hurt her. She was dying, and you hurt her.

Robot/Eboni

She didn’t hurt me, Daddy; she saved me.

All three survivors are in shock.

Robot/Eboni

She downloaded my consciousness into her.

Andre

Eboni?

Robot/Eboni

Yes… and no. I’m Eboni and the robot. I am also the alien technology we’re made from.

Andre

Eboni?

End Scene

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene

Doing this assignment I learned (I hope) that you can use your environment to help create the second tier of emotion. For suspense, this scene depends on the previous scene combined with this one, where they find the lab destroyed and discover that Mae’s husband was stationed here. fear is when the monster appears and dread is when we’re waiting to find out if the monster has left or not.

INT. LAB – DAY

The lab has been destroyed, but there is no blood like in the other rooms of the compound. Mae looks at the mess and her eyes tear up, but she gets a hold of herself and enters with Ian, Eboni and the robot.

Mae clears debris off of a table, which is a computer.

Mae

(to robot)

Do you think you can get anything from this?

The robot doesn’t answer, but simply plugs in. Eboni and Mae talk in the background while Ian looks through the debris in the lab and finds a picture of Mae with a man.

Ian

Hey, is this you?

Mae looks at the pictures and swallows hard against the rush of tears.

Mae

That was taken in our 10^th anniversary.

Eboni

So Dr. Crow…

Mae

Is my husband.

Ian and Eboni share a look, not knowing what to say.

Robot

Something is coming.

Suddenly an inhuman scream slices through the air, and something big hits the wall of the lab, collapsing it. The Robot grabs Ian and Eboni, then blocks the wall from falling on them. The metal wall is bent and twisted, but the Robot holds it on its back as it arches over the two children.

The monster walks over the damage into the room. Mae is plastered against the opposite wall, staring in shock and horror.

The monster looks like a giant spider with claws. But the most disturbing part is that the head of Mae’s husband is mounted to the body, and it sees and recognizes her. It speaks her name, but it mushy and you can barely make it out.

Husband

Mae.

Mae begins to shake in horror. Then she screams and screams and screams. The monster scoops her up in his claw as she continues to scream. It brings her up to the head and the head once again tries to say her name.

Husband

Mae

Eboni covers her ears and begins to scream as well, though Ian tries desperately to make her stop. The monster turns toward them. Eboni stops screaming and both she and Ian go as far as they can away from the opening, which means they can no longer see the monster.

They hear it scuttling around, looking for where the scream came from. They hear Mae’s fall silent, and Eboni’s eyes go wide as Ian tries to keep her calm. There’s a long period of quiet, and just when we think maybe it’s gone, the husband head is in the opening looking at them.

The robot stands up thowing off the wall and telling them to run. Ian and Eboni scramble over the wall to the outside, passing the military man who come in shooting. The monster screams and two of the men are horribly killed. But Sly and Andre are able to take out two of its legs, and it runs off into the trees behind the compound, dragging two legs, with Mae unconscious or dead in its claw.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned is that you don’t have to just hit one note in a scene. It’s so much more interesting when you hit all three (so far). So I added the thing chasing them (we saw what it does in the teaser) to this scene instead of waiting for the reveal in the later scene. Fun.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

The rag-tag group hikes through the forest, Andre leading them with the robot, Sly, and his men in the back. Eboni and Ian follow, then the Senator, Mae, and Sabina snapping pictures of them and the forest.

The Senator loses his footing and falls down a gently sloping hill. He rolls up against a massive skull of some giant creature never seen on Earth and screams in Terror. Sly and Andre come running down to take care of whatever is happening and see the skull.

The Senator crabwalks backward away from the skull. (surprise)

Mae gasps in wonder and heads down the slope to get a closer look. Eboni, the robot, and Ian stay up top and look down on the skeleton of the incredible beast. Sabina stays up top, snapping pictures.

Eboni looks up at the robot.

Eboni

What is it?

Robot

It’s a creature from the horsehead nebula.

Ian

How do you know that?

Eboni

I programmed her to download information whenever

It becomes available to her.

Robot

Correct. I downloaded this as soon as we landed. That’s

How I know where the base camp is.

Ian

Are there any more of them around? I mean,

Like living ones?

Robot

I lack sufficient information. (Apprehension)

Suddenly, Sabina, taking pictures of the beast from up top, sees something through her lens.

Sabina

Ah, Major.

Andre and Sly look to where she’s pointing. Trees are swaying as something big moves through them toward them.

Andre

Everybody back up top.

He grabs Mae by the arm and practically drags her as she keeps looking back at the beast.

Once he gets to the top, he gets them running in a line, robot leading, and Sly and his man in the back. Suddenly a scream pierces the air, but it’s nothing human. Their run becomes more panicked. The Senator is looking out for his own life, not Ian’s. When Ian falls, Sly picks him up on the run and sets him back on his feet.

The sounds of the creature fall behind.

They come through the trees and find the buildings of the base camp. They all go inside, the civilians collapsing, trying to catch their breath, the soldiers checking out the building, Eboni thanking the robot for finding them. (Shock)

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Outline Version 1

What I learned from this assignment is that once I turned the tags into actual scenes, I realize what other kinds of scenes need to be included. The next round will help to fill out those scenes, but I’m excited to have this solid skeleton on which to build my story.

LOST IN SPACE (Working Title)

ACT ONE

EXT. FOREST – DAY

A man runs through the forest with something that we don’t see chasing him. The thing is big, trees are falling, the ground rumbling. The man finds a hollow tree in which to hide. He is in full terror mode and is closing his eyes, holding himself into a tight little ball and trying to calm his sobs. Everything goes quiet. After a moment, the man thinks just maybe he survived. Then the tree is sheared in half and a giant claw reaches in and seizes him, cutting him in half.

INT. SHUTTLE BUS – PASSENGER COMPARTMENT – DAY

EBONI SPENCE, 13 years old walks ahead of her very proud father, ANDRE SPENCE, 40s, handsome with the carriage of a fighting man, and beside a robot that is humanoid looking, but not with human features. Still, Jack is pleasing to look at.

The military people on the plane don’t want to let them enter, but her dad steps forward, says she’s the winner of Senator Tate’s contest. As they board, the SENATOR WILLIAM TATE meets them. He want’s to disqualify Eboni but Andre, A brilliant business man and very rich man, threatens to sue and to withdraw any support he gave to the Senator in the past.

The Senator is upset that a 13-year-old beat his 15-year-old son IAN and decides that he can not join them on this expedition. They argue, but Ian can’t sue his father, so he is ejected.

INT. SHUTTLE BUS – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

An argument breaks out between MAE ZEH , 30s, Scientist and PEN WRIGHT, 40s miner, over they way their equipment is stored. Mae talks about the delicate nature of her equipment and if anything falls over… Pen says she packed it herself and none of her equipment will fall over, if anything moves it will be hers.

The pilot, KEV KELLY, puts an end to the argument by closing the door to the storage room and ordering the women to their seats.

INT SHUTTLE BUS – PASSENGER COMPARTMENT – DAY

Sabina comes in late, toting camera equipment. “Where can I put this?” Yikes, let’s not start the argument again. The man in charge of the three person military team going to the asteroid, SLY STONE, late 40s, early 50s, takes the cameras to the back. When Mae starts to comment, he points a finger at her and ends all argument.

INT. SHUTTLE BUS – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

When Stone stows the equipment, we see a jeaned leg pull back out of sight. Ian is hiding in the storage area. Stone pretends not to see him.

[Flight, we get to find out more about our characters and their new relationships]

INT. SPACE BUS – PILOT’S CABIN – SPACE

The pilot cannot raise anyone at the asteroid. He slows the shuttle. Stone and Spence come up to see what’s up. The Senator follows. Discussion about communications etc. The Senator, the organizer of this trip, orders them to go on. Sly then follows order and orders the pilot. Spence is uneasy about this.

But the decision is taken from them when they are sucked into the asteroid. The stream wants to take the shuttle deep into the reaches of the asteroid, but Spence, an ex-flyer, helps the pilot pull the craft out of the stream. It crash lands in a forest.

ACT TWO

EXT. FOREST – DAY

There’s awe about how the inside of the asteroid looks like Earth. Sabina is taking pictures. They decide to hike to the compound where they were headed. Ian, of course, is discovered and his dad is furious with him, blames him for the crash.

They find the remains of a strange beat. There’s something really wrong about it, but its almost totally skeleton now so it difficult to say if it’s wrong or not.

The find the compound and another shuttle, smaller and not running.

INT/EXT COMPOUND – DAY

It’s deserted. There is evidence of struggle, fights and last stand. There’s blood, but not enough to constitute a slaughter of the team stationed there. They do find some weapons, but quickly realize they’ve been sabatoged.

Sly puts the pilot on the repairs and Andre joins him after asking Pen to watch out for Eboni.

Ian asks Eboni about Jack, and it’s not soon before Eboni, Jack and are deep in conversation that would be above everyone else’s head.

Pen and Mae talk about how all the fighting over the equipment is mute now. They decide to start over.

Sly and his two other men set up a patrol around the compound and shuttle, just in case.

EXT. COMPOUND DAY

Shuttle is fixed. Kev takes it on a test run. It runs great. Everybody cheers, then it hits some kind of force field and explodes.

Then the “sky” roof becomes opaque, and they see that the asteroid is leaving their solar system. They are completely isolated with no help from earth.

INT. COMPOUND – DAY

Andre takes over. Kev challenges, but when he see Andre’s tattoo, he is very differential. The Senator tries, but he is just told to sit down and shut up. Obviously there is an intelligence behind what is happening. We were shown that we’re leaving our solar system for a purpose, demoralization.

Andre gives out assignments. He talks to Eboni and Jack, and Ian pops in as well. Can they discover the intelligence behind this.

Mae to the lab to see what they may have been doing there.

Pen and Sabina will search the compound building by building, room by room.

ETC.

EXT COMPOUND DAY

The compound is attacked where the lab is located. A hybrid monster, that looks like a giant crab-like but alien creature, with a human head mounted on the front. When it breaks through the walls, Mae see it. It’s the head of her husband. She screams and screams and screams, but can’t move. She is snatched up in the claw.

The military men are trying to kill the thing, but it kills two men but it limps off with Mae in its claw.

ACT THREE

INT. COMPOUND – DAY

Everyone is breaking down. The robot, Eboni and Ian say that they have found a signal. The group decides to follow it but the Senator says they need to wait at the compound where it is safe. Arguments all around. Then the monster breaks in through a window and gets the senator. It is gone before the group can bear their guns.

Pen takes Ian under her wing. He is in shock, his father was bigger than life to him. Now he’s suddenly gone.

They suddenly discover that the robot is missing. They begin to think the robot set them up for these attacks, that the alien hardware has infected him. Eboni denies it, but discord breaks out among the group.

EXT. FOREST – NIGHT

They have made camp. They feel relatively safe because the monster is dead. But then another monster attacks, and this one has the arm of the pilot as one of its “legs”.

They are ready this time and are able to kill the monster quickly. A breath of relief, Sabina is taking pictures, she starts to say she’s found something when a second monster appears, this one with Mae’s head. And Sabina is taken. Andre kills her to save her from becoming one of the monsters.

EXT. FOREST – DAY

Eboni falls down a steep hill and is separated from the group. When a monster finds her. Eboni is horrified, but her survival training by the dad kicks in. She’s one bad ass little girl, but still a little girl. While evading the monster. Using her scientific brain, she’s able to come up with a way to create a kind of flare and send it up for her dad to see.

Help comes as the monster gets Eboni cornered. Sly sacrifices his life for Ian’s. Andre and Pen, working together, are able to kill the monster. Sabina is photographing it. They feel safe for the moment, but Sabina backs into a second monster, this one with Mae’s face. Sabina is taken. Andre shoots her before the monster can whisk her away.

Suddenly the robot is there. She found the facility where the monsters are being made, and a way in. Eboni trusts her, but Andre and Pen aren’t so sure. Ian persuades them. The robot tells them that reptilian aliens somewhat like humans are the intelligence behind what is happening. There is a Queen out in another galaxy. The head here is one of the queen’s many daughters trying to prove their worth.

EXT LAB – NIGHT

The robot brings them to a place where they can sneak into the lab What they find there is a horrific picture of animal experimentation for the sake of experimentation. The robot explains that they Reptilian aliens behind all this are experimenting with different species to create warriors.

They come across Kev’s head preserved. Suddeny his eyes open and his mouth flops open. He tries to say, “kill me”, but it’s hard to understand. However, he doesn’t need the words. Ian pulls the tubes keeping the head alive and Kev dies.

They are attacked by Reptilian scientists, but the robot knows their weaknesses and she and Eboni use fire extinguishers to cool their bodies so that they fall and Andre and Pen can kill them.

But there’s one Reptilian who is able to slice Eboni’s throat and escape. The robot immediately puts Eboni on a table and hooks her up to electrodes. Andre tries to stop her, but Ian realizes what is happening. Eboni’s body dies, but her consciousness is in the robot. She’s able to talk to her dad, look out of the robot’s eyes, etc. But she’s not just Eboni. She’s the robot and the alien tech. She will change and evolve. For right this moment, she’s daddy’s girl.

They plan on how to survive, and how they can find their way home.

END

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Character Journey Track

I learned that when I create these profiles, I find more depth in my characters, I especially like working out what the insight from their death might be. That served to give them an arc I hadn’t necessarily planned.

Andre Spence

Role: Leader/Survivor

Traits: Intelligent, lethal, low profile, loving father

Fears: Losing his daughter

Wants/Needs: Raising his daughter as an independent and fearless woman vs. keeping her safe

Likability/Rooting factors: Well-liked and respected.

How they react under stress: He takes charge

Relationship with others: Well-like, but he is also distant.

Ebonie Spence

Role: Interface with robot/Innocent/Resurrected

Traits: Genius, Difficulty with person relationships, Observer

Fears: Losing her father, Losing Jack

Wants/Needs: Wants to advance quantum sciences/Needs to understand and develop person relationships.

Likability/Rooting Factor: Liked but not understood.

How she reacts under stress: numbs out

Relationship with others: distant, except for Ian who forces himself on her, and Jack, her robot.

Sly Stone

Role: Fierce warrior/Protector

Traits: Loyal, strong, intelligent, personable

Fears: Losing the civilians he’s been entrusted to protect/Being made into a hybrid

Wants/Needs: wants to perform his job well/needs to face the horrors of war and come to peace with them.

Likability: Hero. Funny

How they react under stress: Quicky responds, follows orders without question

Relationship with others: Friendly

Pen Wright

Role: The mining expert/Love interest for Andre/Survivor

Traits: Intelligent, strong, able to think out of the box, busts people on their shit

Fears: Dying with having made some kind of difference/The Dark

Wants/Needs: Wants to make a great find of rare earth ores/needs to believe in herself

Likability: With the characters, maybe not so much. But with the audience, hopefully Loads.

How they react under stress: Takes up the gauntlet and fights with the men.

Relationship with others: Love interest for Andre/Antagonistic with most others.

Kev Kelly

Role: Pilot. First to die

Traits: Cocky, irreverent, intelligent, great pilot

Fears: growing old, being grounded

Wants/Needs: Wants to fly forever/needs to fly forever

Likabiliby/Rooting Factors: Likeable, hi rooting factor

How he reacts under stress: faces it head on.

Relationship with others: really a man’s man so gets along great with military men. He seems like a showboat to the women.

Senator William Tate

Role: Denier/Out of control/ Obnoxious

Traits: Powerful, smart, tense, loses it easily

Fears: losing his status, being wrong

Wants/Needs: Wants power/needs to find inner power

Likeability: He’s obnoxious so no, not very likeable

How they react under stress: Gives Up/Angry/Dramatize/Denial

Relationships: He has a likeable mask which slips under pressure, so relationship isn’t that good with the other characters, including his son.

Ian Tate

Role: Senator’s son/stow-a-way/survivor

Traits: obstinate/brilliant/reader of science fiction

Fears: His father/being irrelevant

Wants/Needs: Wants to go to the asteroid/Needs to connect with his father

Likability: He’s smart and a good foil for Eboni. High.

How they react under stress: runs but will give it a fight if it catches up.

Relationship with Characters: Good except with his father.

Mae Zeh

Role: Scientist. Monster Bait

Traits: smart/introvert

Fears: appearing stupid, being made fun of, people

Wants/Needs: wants to bury herself in science/needs to make connections with others

Likeability: maybe medium. She connects with Eboni, becomes Eboni’s friend, so maybe a bit higher

How they react under stress: runs if she can, but mostly freezes/gives up

Relationship with other characters: she connects with Eboni but none of the others.

Sabina

Role: photojournalist/makes bad decision

Denial: Takes pictures as if nothing is wrong.

First Reaction to Horror: She fights back to save her own skin

Relation to Group after First Horror: The group is put out by her lack of empathy for the dead, instead photographing everything

Reaction as Horror Increases: She is shaken by Mae’s head. Won’t photograph that. Starts to get a more human connection to what’s happening

How they fight back: By shooting, photographing, finding weakness.

End Point: She dies

Insight from Death/Survival: Don’t always assume that’s the only monster out there

Jack

Role: Eboni’s robot, an AI made from alien technology. The role is the Moral One and the Red Herring.

Traits: logical, adores Eboni, alien, thinks for itself

Fears: losing Eboni

Wants/Needs: To integrate with the asteroid/needs to save Eboni

Likability: High

Relationship with other characters: none

Character’s Journey

Andre Spence:

Intro: Faces down the Senator and others who want to deny Eboni’s trip to the asteroid.

Denial: The crash was due to something other than intelligent design

First Reaction to Horror: Picks up weapon of dead military guy and kills the monster

Response After First Horror: takes care of Eboni

Relation to Group after First Horror: Takes Charge, gets them on their feet to find the compound.

Reaction as Horror Increases: He becomes grim and focused on protecting the group, especially Eboni.

How they fight back: Finds weapons, forces Mae to examine the monsters to see if there is a weakness.

End Point: Finds experimental room and kills scientists, though princess escapes after killing Eboni.

Insight from Death/Survival: You can do everything in your power to protect your children and it won’t be enough.

Eboni Spence

Character Intro: She is the winner of a contest using alien technology to create something. Most people couldn’t even understand the technology, but she built an AI that can understand exponentially.

Denial: After the crash, she’s fine with going to the compound. Her goals haven’t changed. She lives in today, not tomorrow.

First Reaction to Horror: Eboni shuts down.

Response after First Horror: Ian brings her back by talking about Jack.

Relation to Group after First Horror: She sticks close to Jack and doesn’t get close with anyone.

Reaction as Horror Increases: She with draws even further

How doe she fight back: She sends Jack to find a way into the alien technology to find a way to stop the horror.

End Point: She dies physically, but Jack downloads her consciousness.

Insight from Death/Survival: There’s more than one way to cheat death

Sly Stone

Character Intro: He’s career military and has already been to the asteroid. He’s in charge and he lets people know it.

Denial: He believes something is wrong before they get sucked in. This man has no room for denial.

First Reaction to Horror: Shoot it

Response after first horror: Goes into action, getting weapons, checking ammo and setting a perimeter

Relation to Group after First Horror: Takes charge, leads

Reaction after Horror Increases: Andre joins forces with him. He now knows Andre has mega background, so he feels relieved it isn’t all falling on him

How they fight back: With guns

End Point: He gets taken by a monster and Andre shoots him.

Insight from Death: There are worse things than death.

Pen Wright

Character Info: Looking at maps of possible mining sites. She sent to find rare earth (or not so earthly) minerals. She’s in an argument with Mae Zeh over storage space on the shuttle.

Denial: She doesn’t think any of this is something they can’t handle.

Reaction to first Horror: Changes her mind and now is with Sly in that there’s something keeping them there.

Relation to Group after first Horror: She’s the glue holding them together while the men protect them from the outside. She’s rude to the Senator, making the rest of the group on her side.

How they fight back: She has a mining tool that makes a great weapon. Also, she works on keeping the group from division or from totally shutting down.

End Point: She survives/in love with Andre

Insight: To be a badass woman, you don’t have give up your feminine traits

Senator William Tate:

Introduction: He tells Ian he cannot go to the asteroid. He let a 13 year old girl beat him in the competition, he doesn’t deserve to go.

Denial: He’s important. People will be sent to rescue him. They can just sit and wait.

Reaction to first horror: Believes it’s pilot error

Relation to the group after first horror: The group is annoyed at a) he’s obnoxious b) the way he treats Ian.

How they fight back: He doesn’t

End Point: He dies

Insight: You don’t fight, you think you’re too important to be killed, you die.

Ian Tate

Character Intro: His father taking away his trip to the asteroid because a 13 year old girl beat him in the contest.

Denial: There’s no danger being a stowaway

Reaction to first horror: He turns to Eboni and Jack. What do they know about this place? He gets them involved in a talk about using Jack to find out.

Relation to group after first horror: He’s adopted.

How they fight back: Working with Eboni and Jack in trying to find out what’s going on and where.

End Point: He survives.

Insight: Don’t believe it when people say you aren’t good enough.

Mae Zeh

Character Intro: She’s a scientist loading equipment onto the shuttle. Gets in argument with Pen about how much space each of them gets.

Denial: Dismissal of the danger when communications are missed.

First Reaction to Horror: Wants to go and find her husband.

Relation to group after the first horror: They don’t want to carry any of her equipment and she is distraught at the destruction.

Reaction as Horror Increases: She freezes.

How they fight back: She doesn’t

End Point: Is taken by the monster with her husband’s head

Insight from Death: Denial won’t save you

Sabina

Character Intro: Taking pictures of people entering shuttle. Conversation with Andre about her experience as a photojournalist

Denial: Crash just seems like a photo op. Total denial there may be a reason for it.

Reaction to first horror: She is shaken. Pilot was a friend.

Relation to the group after first horror: She’s a bit isolated in her grief.

How they fight back: She does use a gun to good effect, but sometimes the camera comes before the gun.

End Point: She backs into a second monster

Insight: Don’t assume there’s only one monster.

Jack

Character Intro: Jack is with Eboni and Andre when they meet the senator. Jack acts like a person, but doesn’t exactly look like one.

Denial: No denial

Reaction to first Horror: None

Relation to group first horror: She’s a curiosity. But after subsequent horrors she becomes a susupect of being an alien spy.

How they fight back; download alien information from ship, find where the experiments are taking place/ strength and lack of fear helps destroy some of the creatures

End Point: She downloads Eboni’s consciousness. The robot is now a blend of alien/jack/Eboni constructs.

What insight: Jack sort of gave her life for Eboni’s. But, we don’t know if that is a good thing or not because of the alien routines she also downloaded.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Monster Reveal Track

What I learned during this assignment is to find the moments that will really lead my characters on their journey toward the ultimate end.

MONSTERS

Powers: There are no supernatural kind of powers. I have several monsters that are hybrids between humans and other alien species. The true power of these monsters is to instill horror because of what they are. Physically, they are a threat because of their size and weapons like razor-sharp claws.

The limitations are that these creatures are transplants, neither one nor the other. They can become confused, sometimes recognizing what has happened. These monsters are not only horrific, but they are also heartbreaking because they are created by the true monster.

Weaknesses: The greatest weakness is an implant that controls the hybrids and animates them can be disabled.

Purpose: These monsters serve the Reptilian Princess. They are to attack, kill and/or take humans back for experimentation.

The strength of the Reptilian Princess is her intelligence.

Her weakness is her belief in her superiority and in human’s inferior minds.

Purpose: to create formidable warriors for the Queen.

SEQUENCE

ACT ONE – SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

Horror Situation: A man is running through a forest with something big chasing him. We don’t see what it is, but the man is terrorized.

Reaction Escape: He hides in the hollow of a tree, pulling branches in front of the opening. He tries to quiet her breathing, listening as hard as she can for the monster.

Horror Situation: Suddenly the tree is sheared off.

Character Death: He is torn apart.

Why: Foreshadow horror.

DEMAND: Intrigue. What is this Man Running From?

Monster Reveal: The tree us sheared off, the man pulled out and blood splashes

Connect with Characters

Our characters are on a spacebus headed for a hollow asteroid, where a handful of scientists and military men are already stationed. We get to know each character and why they are headed to the asteroid.

The pilot are concerned because there is no response from the asteroid.

Denial of Horror

The Senator says that there are a lot of reasons this could happen. He over turns all objections and orders the pilot to take the closer. The pilot is about to refuse, when the ship is sucked in.

Safety Taken Away

Horror Situation: Suddenly something hits them, and they are sucked inside.

Reaction-Escape: our hero works with hero pilot to bring the ship to a crash landing, preventing it from being taken wherever it was supposed to be.

Horror Situation: They find the remains of some kind of alien beast.

Reaction-Denial: With the robot leading, they hiked through the forest to base camp where they will find help.

DEMAND: What sucked them inside? Where are the people who were supposed to be there?

Monster Reveal: The remains of an alien beast is found. But it looks all wrong, obviously surgically altered.

Monster: The nature of the beast

Horror Situation: The group finds the base. There is obvious evidence of horrors that took place here. Some blood. Barricaded room that has been broken into, etc. There are no bodies.

Reaction: The military set watches, the rest try to sleep, but are haunted by what went down here and what it means to them.

DEMAND: Tension Heightened. What happened to these people? Will the same thing happen to our characters? Where are all the bodies?

Monster Reveal: The blood bath at the base and no bodies found.

Act 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

Horror Situation: Pilot finds a shuttle that could take them all away. He and the father get it working, then he takes it for a test run.

Death: The pilot hits a force field, and his ship breaks into pieces. They run to the ship but can’t find his body.

Why: Establish isolation, danger, and intelligence behind what is happening to them.

Reaction: They discuss the fact that they have all missed checking in with earth forces and that they will be coming to rescue them. They need to find a way to stay safe from whatever got the others.

DEMAND: Hope. Find a Way off the asteroid and get back to earth.

Monster Reveal: The pilot hits a force field, and his ship explodes.

Horror Situation: The “Sky” becomes opaque giving our cast a glimpse of the stars. Then suddenly the stars are moving in a blur—the asteroid is leaving orbit, leaving the solar system.

Reaction: Panic. They are trapped with no help coming. The senator becomes is obnoxious and thinks he should be in charge.

DEMAND: Deflate any hope. There will be no rescue from earth.

Monster Reveal: The asteroid streaks out of the solar system.

One of us is killed.

Horror Situation: The monster shows up. It is a hybrid alien beast with the head of the woman in the teaser. This is Mae’s husband, and she is so terrorized by this that she can’t run, can’t do anything. The monster’s head recognizes Mae for a moment, and in a forced, terrifying voice says, “Mae. Run.”

Death: Mae is scooped up by a claw and taken away.

Why: Frozen by terror and horror seeing her husband in this way. Enhances Horror.

Reaction: The others escape.

DEMAND: Increase horror and terror

Monster Reveal: A crab-like alien body with the head of Mae’s husband, the man from the teaser.

ACT THREE – FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death

Horror Situation: The monster finds them again. They fight and are able to kill it.

Reaction: They are relieved, the monster is dead.

DEMAND: There is an intelligence behind this. That monster was made by something else.

Monster Reveal: The monster attacks again, but is easily killed this time. They examine how it was made.

Horror Situation: Another monster appears made out of parts of the pilot they all know! This monster is smarter, more deadly.

Death of Character: The senator is torn apart.

Why: A character flaw. He’s so deeply in denial, he tries to negotiate with the intelligence to get them to stop the monster. He thinks he too important to kill.

Andre shoots him before he can be taken away, to save Ian from facing the horror of his father becoming a monster.

The fight to the death of the pilot now happens.

DEMAND: They have to find the intelligence. The robot will lead them.

Monster Reveal: Another hybrid monster attacks. They are attacked by another hybrid monster. This one has an arm with the tattoo of the pilot. All of the “feet” of this centipede like creature are arms and hands. The head is like that of a fish-like creature with a wide mouth and rows of needle-like teeth. They are able to kill this monster with no deaths.

Hysteria

Reaction: Eboni tries to comfort a disconsolate Ian. Sabina has a complete breakdown. Pen tries to comfort her. The military set up a perimeter. The robot disappears and the military now suspect he is infected or is a turncoat and is otherwise bad. Sabrina fights for it.

The thrilling escape from death:

Horror Situation: Eboni gets separated from the group and is attacked by a monster made from Mae. But this monster seems conflicted but forced to kill. Eboni uses her brain to bring put up a flare for her father and the others to follow. They come.

Character Death: Sly, who sacrifices himself to save Ian. The monster would take him, but Andre kills him, and the monster drops him and retreats.

Why: It increases the Horror. Plus, he’s a beloved character.

DEMAND: Discovery. All of these monsters have one weakness in common… A place on their bodies where there is an implant that animates and controls them.

Monster Reveal: Monster made from Mae. She hesitates in killing Eboni.

Character Death: Sabina. She backs into a second monster, made from all alien parts and is taken away.

Why: She makes a bad decision by choosing to photograph the interaction with the monster and Sly’s sacrifice.

DEMAND: The rules have changed. Two monsters instead of one.

Monster Reveal: The discovery above works on both monsters, may all.

Reaction: Robot returns with news she has found the intelligence behind the hybrids. People don’t want to trust her. He talks about experiments human conduct on animals. That’s going on here except they are the animals. Stop the scientist and you stop the hybrid monsters.

They follow the robot into a part of the asteroid that actually looks like a ship. There are computers, etc. Sabrina helps the robot to jack into the ship and she begins to shut down life support for the reptilian aliens.

Horror Situation: They find where the monsters were created and see pieces of humans still alive. They kill them all. Then there’s a fight for control of the ship.

DEMAND: The horror of butcher shop and the terror in all aliens trapped.

Monster Revealed: There is the head of someone trying to talk to them.

Death returns to take one more.

Horror Situation:

Death: The formidable female Reptilian slashes at Eboni’s neck, then escapes in the equivalent of an alien shuttle.

Why: She is the most beloved character, and it is unexpected. The death of innocence.

Resolution:

Reaction: Andre, Pen and Ian survive along with the Robot. They are hurtling through space on the way to who knows where.

Resurrection of character: The robot downloaded Eboni into itself. In essence, Eboni survived. However, she and the robot’s consciousness are merging into one.

DEMAND: Solve the Mystery and confront the real monster.

Monster Reveal: The reptilian princess kills Eboni and escapes in a ship.

Horror Situation:

Eboni and the robot are also plugged into the alien technology, which changes them more. While it seems the essence of Eboni has stayed the same, there is an alien intelligence awake. It finds hidden creatures and sets them free into the world outside the bunker. Is this mercy, or a continuation of the experience?

Why: Bring hope and tension to the end of the story.

DEMAND: What happens now?

Monster Reveal: Eboni/Robot/Alien Tech let all of the caged aliens go. Is this mercy or is the start of another experiment?

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Horror Plot Track

What I learned is that in deciding who dies when and why I was able to hone in on who I wanted my characters to be–their personality traits and now have ideas on how that might play out during the story. This is fun.

ACT ONE – SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

Horror Situation: A man is running through a forest with something big chasing him. We don’t see what it is, but the man is terrorized.

Reaction Escape: He hides in the hollow of a tree, pulling branches in front of the opening. He tries to quiet her breathing, listening as hard as she can for the monster.

Horror Situation: Suddenly the tree is sheared off.

Character Death: He is torn apart.

Why: Foreshadow horror.

Connect with Characters

Our characters are on a spacebus headed for a hollow asteroid, where a handful of scientists and military men are already stationed. We get to know each character and why they are headed to the asteroid.

The military men are concerned because there is no response from the asteroid.

Denial of Horror

The pilot says communications have been funky and that it’s nothing to be worried about. The military aren’t convinced, but the pilot takes them closer in all confidence.

Safety Taken Away

Horror Situation: Suddenly something hits them, and they are sucked inside.

Reaction-Escape: our hero works with hero pilot to bring the ship to a crash landing, preventing it from being taken wherever it was supposed to be.

Horror Situation: They find the remains of some kind of alien beast.

Reaction-Denial: With the robot leading, they hiked through the forest to base camp where they will find help.

Monster: The nature of the beast

Horror Situation: The group finds the base. There is obvious evidence of horrors that took place here. Some blood. Barricaded room that has been broken into, etc. There are no bodies.

Reaction: The military set watches, the rest try to sleep, but are haunted by what went down here and what it means to them.

Act 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

Horror Situation: Pilot finds a shuttle that could take them all away. He and the father get it working, then he takes it for a test run.

Death: The pilot hits a force field, and his ship breaks into pieces. They run to the ship but can’t find his body.

Why: Establish isolation, danger and intelligence behind what is happening to them.

Reaction: They discuss the fact that they have all missed checking in with earth forces and that they will be coming to rescue them. They need to find a way to stay safe from whatever got the others.

Horror Situation: A huge screen appears on the roof of the asteroid, giving our cast a glimpse of the sky. Then suddenly the stars are moving in a blur—the asteroid is leaving orbit, leaving the solar system.

Reaction: Panic. They are trapped with no help coming. The senator becomes is obnoxious and thinks he should be in charge.

One of us is killed.

Horror Situation: The monster shows up. It is a hybrid alien beast with the head of the woman in the teaser. This is Mae’s husband, and she is so terrorized by this that she can’t run, can’t do anything.

Death: Mae is scooped up by a claw and taken away.

Why: Frozen by terror and horror seeing her husband in this way. Enhances Horror.

Reaction: The others escape.

ACT THREE – FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death

Horror Situation: The monster finds them again. They fight and are able to kill it.

Reaction: They are relieved, the monster is dead.

Horror Situation: But Wait! Another monster appears made out of parts of the pilot they all know! This monster is smarter, more deadly.

Death of Character: The senator is torn apart.

Why: A character flaw. He’s so deeply in denial, he tries to negotiate with the intelligence to get them to stop the monster. He thinks he too important to kill.

Andre shoots him before he can be taken away, to save Ian from facing the horror of his father becoming a monster.

The fight to the death of the pilot now happens.

Hysteria

Reaction: Eboni tries to comfort a disconsolate Ian. Sabina has a complete breakdown. Pen tries to comfort her. The military set up a perimeter. The robot disappears and the military now suspect he is infected or is a turncoat and is otherwise bad. Sabrina fights for it.

The thrilling escape from death:

Horror Situation: Eboni gets separated from the group and is attacked by a monster made from Mae. But this monster seems conflicted but forced to kill. Eboni uses her brain to bring put up a flare for her father and the others to follow. They come.

Character Death: Sly, who sacrifices himself to save Ian. The monster would take him, but Andre kills him, and the monster drops him and retreats.

Why: It increases the Horror. Plus, he’s a beloved character.

Character Death: Sabina. She backs into a second monster, made from all alien parts and is taken away.

Why: She makes a bad decision by choosing to photograph the interaction with the monster and Sly’s sacrifice.

Reaction: Robot returns with news she has found the intelligence behind the hybrids. People don’t want to trust her. He talks about experiments human conduct on animals. That’s going on here except they are the animals. Stop the scientist and you stop the hybrid monsters.

They follow the robot into a part of the asteroid that actually looks like a ship. There are computers, etc. Sabrina helps the robot to jack into the ship and she begins to shut down life support for the reptilian aliens.

Horror Situation: They find where the monsters were created and see pieces of humans still alive. They kill them all. Then there’s a fight for control of the ship.

Death returns to take one more.

Horror Situation:

Death: The formidable female Reptilian slashes at Eboni’s neck, then escapes in the equivalent of an alien shuttle.

Why: She is the most beloved character, and it is unexpected. The death of innocence.

Resolution:

Reaction: Andre, Pen and Ian survive along with the Robot. They are hurtling through space on the way to who knows where.

Resurrection of character: The robot downloaded Eboni into itself. In essence, Eboni survived. However, she and the robot’s consciousness are merging into one.

Horror Situation:

Eboni and the robot are also plugged into the alien technology, which changes them more. While it seems the essence of Eboni has stayed the same, there is an alien intelligence awake. It finds hidden creatures and sets them free into the world outside the bunker. Is this mercy, or a continuation of the experience?

Why: Bring hope and tension to the end of the story.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Horror Plot Track

I learned from this assignment that I have a lot of scenes that I haven’t put in here yet, but which I probably will find a place for. It was great fun just brainstorming scenes. I figured out who died when and how.

ACT ONE – SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

Horror Situation: A woman is running through a forest with something big chasing him. We don’t see what it is, but the woman is terrorized.

Reaction Escape: She hides in the hollow of a tree, pulling branches in front of the opening. She tries to quiet her breathing, listening as hard as she can for the monster.

Horror Situation: Suddenly the tree is sheared off and she is taken and blood and limbs fly.

Connect with Characters

Our characters are on a space bus headed for a hollow asteroid, where a handful of scientists and military men are already stationed. We get to know each character and why they are headed to the asteroid.

The military men are concerned because there is no response from the asteroid.

Denial of Horror

The pilot says communications have been funky and that it’s nothing to be worried about. The military isn’t convinced, but the pilot takes them closer in all confidence.

Safety Taken Away

Horror Situation: Suddenly something hits them and they are sucked inside.

Reaction-Escape: our hero pilots the ship to a crash landing, preventing it from being taken wherever it was supposed to be.

Horror Situation: They find the remains of some kind of alien beast.

Reaction-Denial: With the robot leading, they hiked through the forest to the base camp where they will find help.

Monster: The nature of the beast

Horror Situation: The group finds the base. There is obvious evidence of horrors that took place here. Some blood. Barricaded rooms that have been broken into, etc. There are no bodies.

Reaction: The military set watches, the rest try to sleep, but are haunted by what went down here and what it means to them.

Act 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

Horror Situation: Pilot finds a shuttle that could take them all away, but steals it. They watch as the pilot hits a force field and his ship breaks into pieces.

Reaction: They discuss the fact that they have all missed checking in with earth forces and that they will be coming to rescue them. They need to find a way to stay safe from whatever got the others.

Horror Situation: A huge screen appears on the roof of the asteroid, giving our cast a glimpse of the sky. Then suddenly the stars are moving in a blur—the asteroid is leaving orbit, leaving the solar system.

Reaction: Panic. They are trapped with no help coming. Scientist breaks down.

One of us is killed.

Horror Situation: The monster shows up. It is a hybrid alien beast with the head of the woman in the teaser. This is the doctor’s wife and he is so terrorized by this that he can’t run, can’t do anything, and he is killed.

Reaction: The others escape.

ACT THREE – FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death

Horror Situation: The monster finds them again. They fight and are able to kill it.

Reaction: They are relieved, the monster is dead.

Horror Situation: But Wait! Another monster appears made out of parts of the pilot they all know! This monster is smarter, more deadly. The scientist is dragged away, wounded but not dead. The pilot always had a thing for the scientist and this comes into play… we can imagine what he will do to her with his alien body. The photojournalist, who has seen victims of war horrors, kills her. The fight to the death of the pilot now happens.

Hysteria

Reaction: The rich man keeps his daughter from breaking down, but the photojournalist has a complete breakdown. The Miner tries to comfort her. The military set up a perimeter. The robot disappears and the military now suspects she is infected or is a turncoat and is otherwise bad. Sabrina fights for it.

The thrilling escape from death:

Horror Situation: Sabrina gets separated from the group and is attacked by a monster. She uses her brain to bring help to kill the monsters. The photojournalist is killed or taken.

Reaction: Robot returns with news she has found the intelligence behind the hybrids. People don’t want to trust her. He talks about experiments humans conduct on animals. That’s going on here except they are the animals. Stop the scientist and you stop the hybrid monsters.

They follow the robot into a part of the asteroid that actually looks like a ship. There are computers, etc. Sabrina helps the robot to jack into the ship and she begins to shut down life support for the reptilian aliens.

Horror Situation: They find where the monsters were created and see pieces of humans still alive. They kill them all. Then there’s a fight for control of the ship.

Death returns to take one more

Horror Situation: The formidable female Reptilian attacks. The Military Man sacrifices himself to save the others. The alien is badly wounded and escapes in the equivalent of an alien shuttle.

Resolution:

Reaction: The Rich Man, Sabrina, and the Miner survive along with the Robot. They are hurtling through space on the way to who knows where. Sabrina and the robot will work on the computers to find a way home. Her father and the Miner will prepare for survival and the chance there are other creatures out there.

Horror Situation: We go out on a snake/human hybrid hiding in the medical wing.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Horror Plot Track

What I learned with this assignment is that when I have the characters delineated the way we did in the last lesson, filling in these points was easier than expected. I feel like I have a story here, I just need to dig for the treasures.

ACT ONE – SET UP FOR HORROR

Atmosphere of Evil established:

A woman is running through a forest with something big chasing him. We don’t see what it is, but the man is terrorized. He hides in the hollow of a tree, pulling branches in front of the opening. She tries to quiet her breathing, listening as hard as she can for the monster. Suddenly the tree is sheared off and she screams as she looks up into the face of the monster we don’t see.

Connect with Characters

Our characters are on a space bus headed for a hollow asteroid, where a handful of scientists and military men are already stationed. We get to know each character and why they are headed to the asteroid.

Denial of Horror

The military men are concerned because there is no response from the asteroid. The pilot says communications have been funky and that it’s nothing to be worried about. The military isn’t convinced, but the pilot takes them closer in all confidence. Suddenly something hits them and they are sucked inside where the bus crashes in the forest inside the asteroid.

Safety Taken Away

The pilot makes a break for it in a shuttle and hits a force field that breaks up the ship.

Monster: The nature of the beast

The group finds the base. There is obvious evidence of horrors that took place here. Some blood. Barricaded room that has been broken into, etc. There are no bodies.

Act 2 – THE POINT OF NO RETURN

Isolated/Trapped/Abducted:

The asteroid suddenly zips out of the solar system. No help from Earth.

One of us is killed.

The monster shows up. It is a hybrid alien beast with the head of the woman in the teaser. This is the doctor’s wife and he is so terrorized by this that he can’t run, can’t do anything, and he is killed. The others escape.

ACT THREE – FULL OUT HORROR

Fight to the death

There are multiple fights with different hybrid beasts, including one with the pilot’s body parts. The people who die are the military man and the photojournalist

Hysteria

The rich man keeps his daughter from breaking down, but the scientist has a complete break. The photojournalist puts on a good front, pride not letting her break down. The military man has lost his two men and is feeling done.

The thrilling escape from death:

Sabrina gets separated from the group and uses her brain to bring help and to defeat the monsters.

Death returns to take one more

They find where the monsters were created. It is deserted. Then a reptilian creature kills the military man, and taking him, escapes in a small ship.

Resolution:

The Rich Man, Sabrina, and the Miner survive along with the Robot. They are hurtling through space on the way to who knows where. Sabrina and the robot will work on the computers to find a way home. Her father and the Miner will prepare for survival and the chance there are other creatures out there.

We go out on a snake/human hybrid hiding in the medical wing.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Debbie’s Characters for Horror

What I learned is that by defining my characters this way, scenes suggest themselves and ideas bloom out of character, which helps to create the best story.

Concept: A reptilian alien princess brings her asteroid spaceship into earth’s solar system in order to trap humans and use them to make and test human-alien creations.

Group: Team of Professionals

Dying Pattern: B most die but several survive.

Characters:

John: John is a rich businessman on the surface, but underneath he is still the special forces leader that he was in the war. He is our leader.

Serenity: Serenity is John’s 14-year-old daughter who won a trip to the asteroid in a science competition by building a very advanced robot. When the organizers found out her age, they tried to disqualify her, but John used his pull to make them live up to their contest’s rules. She is the Innocent

Jack: The robot that Serenity built. Jack is an AI who learns through experience/observation and through “reading”. He is the Moral One.

Sly: Leader of the military escort of the group. He goes up against John for leadership until John reveals a tattoo, to which Sly defers. He’s our sacrificial lamb.

Sabrina: Sabrina is a photojournalist who has been with men in several wars. She learned a piece or two about guns and defending herself. She’s our rebel

Mae: Scientist sent to help Jack integrate with the ship so they can find out more information. She’s our Red Herring.

Robert: Doctor sent to handle any medical emergencies onboard. He’s our Monster Bait

Kev: The pilot who takes them to the asteroid. He’s supposed to drop them off, then wait in orbit, but he’s trapped with them. He’s our Complainer.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Deborah’s Monster

I learned from this assignment that making the rules and separating my villain from all the other monsters helps me find the true nature of the terror.

Terror

A reptilian alien creates hybrid monsters from parts of our characters’ loved ones in order to terrify and demoralize.

She releases one monster at a time to see how our characters will react and how the monster does with hunting and killing.

As their ship approaches the asteroid, a suction pulls them inside. Then the ship’s doors close and the asteroid ship shoots out of the solar system. Their ship is then disabled so they have no chance of escape.

The Alien and her scientists take parts of loved ones and transplant them onto alien species, then set them loose one at a time.

She sets the monsters on them one at a time. Just when the characters collapse in relief, another creature is released with different parts. The characters have no time to process the emotional terror they have experienced before another is upon them.

They are trapped on her ship, with no escape possible.

Mystery

Who is behind the monsters and why are they doing it?

The hybrid monster made of different parts provokes not only terror but emotional terror at seeing their loved ones in such a way.

Monster Rules

The Reptilian Princess is working with scientists to develop a hybrid being that would be formidable in war, both in terrorizing and demoralizing the enemy. She changes up the rules. For instance, after systematically releasing one monster at a time, she might release two. Or after terrorizing them with the people who arrived before them, she may kidnap one of them and use him/her to make a hybrid. She gives no consideration to humans the same way we give no consideration to animals we experiment on. But that is her downfall because she thinks she is smart (and she is highly intelligent) but our characters are underestimated.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi All: Responding a bit late as I traveled to see my elderly father and am a bit behind, but having a good time. I’m Debbie from Las Vegas, which is melting right now. I’ve written too many scripts to remember how many. I worked professionally in television for years and, after an illness, am just getting back into it.

I’m also a published horror writer and have written audio dramas for the original Dark Shadows. I love horror. I’m also in the bingeworthy class writing a horror pilot. This class is for my horror screenplay. I hope to learn new ways of looking at my work and building my scripts that will make it easier to find and correct the flaws.

I’m a double-lung transplant and own my own comic book publishing company. Our graphic novel, Mary Shelley Presents Tales of the Supernatural just won the Bram Stoker Award, which is the highest award in horror. Needless to say, I’m also getting ready to market that as an anthology series.

So that’s me. I look forward to reading about you.

[Deborah Daughetee]

I’m late with my final outline, but I am working on it. When you have yours, I’d love to do a swap. Let me know.

[Deborah Daughetee]

I really loved “Presence”, David. First of all, I loved the retro feel to the way it was filmed. I also like the twist on the ghost story. There were so many ways to interpret what the presence really is.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Joan: Good luck with your script!

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Pam: I adore Ready of Not. It is so darkly funny and turns what could be cliches on their ear so that everything seems fresh. Good luck with your script.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Ira: Aliens is one of my top horror movies. Are you going to post your concept here as well?

[Deborah Daughetee]

I love your concept. Have you seen the movie The New Mutants? This plays with your greatest fears and might be a good reference for you as you build your story.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Nick: “I Know What You Did Last Summer” was actually breaking new ground when it came out. That’s what made it such a hit.

I’m curious: if you don’t like horror movies, why are you writing one?

Your idea has promise, as anything with take eyes creeps me out. The original Crow movie had people eating eyeballs, and it really made me squirm

[Deborah Daughetee]

I have always loved that quote, Joan.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Jennifer, We really do have a lot in common in that my prose writing (Kolchak, the Nightstalker, and The Green Hornet) is a mix of horror and thriller. I love writing noir. On another note, I can’t tell you how many people I have known who left the law profession to become television writers! It’s pretty amazing.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Congratulations on the publication of your book, Ira!

[Deborah Daughetee]

I find these classes really do hold you accountable. While there’s no one standing behind you with a whip, knowing these classes are live and that all these people are reading what you post pushes you to do the work. So congratulations on your second script ahead of time.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Karlos: Congratulations on dedicating yourself to your first script. When you finish this, it will be the best feeling in the world. But beware, it becomes addictive. Once you’ve finished one, you just MUST do another, and nothing, and…

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Renee: I love archery when I was a kid. I wasn’t, of course, as good as you were. I’m so sorry that path was taken from you.

[Deborah Daughetee]

60 cats! OMG. That could be fun… or…

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Sophia: You’ve had amazing success. Congratulations!!! Hapy to be in this class with you.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Wow, Oxford. Very cool. I love Jane Austin.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Thank you, Jennifer. I’m so happy to be in this class. I love reading what everybody is doing. It’s inspiring.

[Deborah Daughetee]

I’m going to see it tomorrow. I’m so excited. I did see Wolfman, which I enjoyed.

[Deborah Daughetee]

I haven’t! Not sure how I missed it. I’ll be sure to add it to my viewing list.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Your concept sounds interesting, Barry. Did you ever see the movie, Orca? It has a similar story and might be a good reference for you.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Sounds interesting, Sophia.

I love The Heretic. What a great movie to break down.

[Deborah Daughetee]

This is a great critique, Elizabeth. Thank you so much. I’ll be rewriting my letter now.

I put the bio upfront because I’m in the binge-worthy class and Hal told me my credits were strong enough to do that.

You made my day.

[Deborah Daughetee]

We could always set up a private Facebook group for people in this class. That way it’s easy to keep up with everyone’s successes. Also, we could post that we are looking for readers instead of having a formal writing group.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by  Deborah Daughetee.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Elizabeth: Separating out the first sentence to make an impact is how Hal taught us in the Binge Worthy class. This is what he calls the hooks. Not sure why he didn’t mention it here. Anyway, take what you want, eject the rest! Good luck!

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Elizabeth:

What a great concept. And your creds for it are really great.

I would change up your first sentence a bit. Saying she’s a murderous spirit assumes she is already dead, so your last phrase is repetitive.

I have to say I love that the little sister thinks she’s magic. A little sister would! Of course she would.

I would break out the first sentence of the second paragraph into its own paragraph. The same with the third paragraph. This way if a producer just reads those sentences as she scans the letter, they’ll tell enough of the story to interest them.

That’s it. Hope it helps.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Lonnie:

Great letter. My notes are nitpicks only.

I would delete the last sentence out of your first paragraph. “Let me know what you think” is basically what you would put in your last sentence of the letter.

Your last sentence is a little off. I think you should simplify the structure and just say something like, “If my concept intrigues you, I’ll be happy to send you a copy of my script.” Something straightforward like that.

Like I said, nitpicks.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Stephen:

I’m a huge fan of horror and this has the trappings of a really terrifying story, especially for women. And, of course, there is a great comedic line running through it as well.

I think you need a few stronger hooks. You have some very generic things in here (timely and universal themes) that don’t add anything to the pitch.

For example, you could start with a hook like:

Did you know there’s a transgenic work that morphs old ladies into submissive, gorgeous young women? (NOTE: You really don’t want to say girls as that implies too young.)

After this one-sentence hook, you can put the sentence about your main character (do you want to use his name?).

The first line of your next paragraph could be your second hook. I’d put it in a line by itself.

I think the next line is confusing and generic. Instead of saying he’s a villain who has a transformational journey you tell us what that journey is. Not blow by blow, but something like:

“As bodies pile up around him, (name) finds love and realizes that sexualizing woman is wrong (and, since I’m an older woman, would love that he learns older woman have value as well). I don’t know your story so I don’t know if he learns that or not, but put in one of those universal themes that transform him.

Love the ending. However, I think I say something like:

As they motor away, a fisherman walks along the shore picking up worms/cut to him fishing/cut to him being eaten by a monster.

Basically what I’m getting at here is showing, not telling. You hear it all the time that it gets old, but it is also true. Active storytelling really grabs the attention of the reader.

I hope this helps. I love the story and would like to see it get made!

[Deborah Daughetee]

Thanks, Lonnie. I’m struggling with the concept. Thanks for the advice.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Karen:

Love this story. I just think your first hook could be stronger. Right now it reads like the action line in the script.

What about something like: Will donuts, COVID 19, and a disapproving father kill a teenager’s dream to become a ballet dancer?

Something more along those lines.

Love the last line. It’s perfect.

Hope this helps

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Mark:

I really love this idea. I think it’s very unique and fresh. Your logline is great! As a matter of fact, I would be tempted to use it as a one-sentence hook at the beginning of your synopsis.

I’d also break out the first sentence of your next paragraph into a one-sentence hook.

And then break out the first sentence of the next paragraph as well. That way if the producer only reads those one sentence while skimming, they’ll basically know the story.

Hope this helps

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Guil:

I love your title. I’m just a bit confused, however, on if Valenti is a producer on his movie or another. I just think you may need a line that tells us why the movie failed. Perhaps your first hook could be something like:

“What would you do if your producer embezzled funds causing your movie to fail?”

I just stuck in the embezzlement as a placeholder, but something short and to the point like that captures a producer’s attention and it gives Harold some built-in sympathy as to why he’s going off the deep end. You could also give us the stakes: Does Harold lose his home, his wife, his family? That could also be worked into a hook telling us what the stakes are.

I hope this helps.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hey Lonnie: Your high concept is great, but I wonder if you can shorten your elevator pitch a bit. I don’t think you need the last line. I think you can do something like, When the boy gets some secret codes, he must escape his underground prison in order to ave the world.

I hope this helps. Take it with a grain of salt.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Thanks, Lonnie.

[Deborah Daughetee]

My husband is Paul Daughetee. As I said, he’s not a working magician, but he does have professional membership to the Castle. I’ll ask him if he or his friend Pete Studebaker (who is a working magician) if either knows him.

[Deborah Daughetee]

Hi Paige: I’m also married to a magician, though he’s not a working one. He’s a magician member of the Magic Castle. Maybe I’ll talk my husband into coming into town for Halloween so we can catch your husband’s show.