Artemis Craig
Forum Replies Created
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Artemis Craig Exchange Critique, Cycle 1 3rd Pass
Fade In:
INT. SUPERMARKET – NIGHT
Fluorescent lights buzz overhead.
Shelves are stocked high with goods.
The air is thick with the scent of cheap detergent and overripe produce.
ROBERT and TRENT lurk near an empty aisle.
Their clothes are worn, their faces lean.
TRENT
(low, urgent)
Grab what you can fast. We don’t have much time.
ROBERT doesn’t answer.
He scans the aisles looking for anyone who could interrupt their pending escape.
ROBERT
(calm, commanding)
We need bread and meat.
TRENT
I know, I know anything with real calories.
TRENT scowls but follows Robert’s lead.
They move swiftly, stuffing food into worn backpacks.
A pack of ramen. A loaf of bread.
Both men reach for a rotisserie chicken that’s still warm.
Trent had it in his hand, but Robert’s hand is bigger.
He palms the chicken like a basketball.
Disappointed, TRENT sees Robert stash the chicken under his coat and stiffens.
TRENT
Hey that’s mine.
ROBERT
It’s yours if it’s in your possession.
TRENT
It was in my possession until you took it.
ROBERT
I think I deserve it.
TRENT
I beg to differ.
ROBERT
Who’s the leader here? You already know the answer.
TRENT clenches his jaw.
They both look up in unison.
A STORE CLERK approaches.
STORE CLERK
(suspicious)
You two need help finding something?
TRENT freezes. ROBERT doesn’t.
ROBERT
(casual, smooth)
Nope. Just browsing.
The clerk eyes them. He doesn’t like the look of either man.
TRENT makes the first move, but stumbles over his own ragged shoes.
The clerk’s suspicion spikes.
He gets closer in time to see Trent’s ramen noodles fall to the floor.
ROBERT
(curses under his breath)
Damn you idiot! Look what you’ve done.
Trent gets angry and throws a punch at Robert that lands on his jaw
The punch snap’s Robert’s head back.
Trent the smaller man really tears into Robert with a Malay of flying fists.
Too quick for Robert to dodge.
The STORE CLERK steps into the fray and gets punched by Robert and Trent.
He ends up on the floor.
ROBERT
(sharp, urgent)
Run.
TRENT doesn’t hesitate.
Both men step over THE STORE CLERK.
They bolt for the exit..
EXT. SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT – NIGHT
Cool air hits them as they burst outside. Tires screech somewhere in the distance.
TRENT breathes hard, adrenaline pulsing through his veins.
TRENT
(laughing, wildly)
That was sloppy.
ROBERT
(grinning, breathless)
But effective.
Robert touches the tender spot on his cheek where Trent punched him.
ROBERT
A little too effective. I thought for a minute you really were trying to beat the shit out of me.
TRENT watches as Robert pulls the chicken from his bag, triumphant.
TRENT
(narrowing eyes)
I did get in a few good punches. We had to make it look realistic.
ROBERT
(tensed)
That’s the game.
TRENT’s triumph flickers. He lets it slide for now.
They disappear into the shadows, food in hand.
The End. -
Artemis Craig (QE Process)
What I learned in this re-write was to make the position of power more concise between Trent and Robert.Re-write of scene with Robert and Trent
Fade In:
INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Red lanterns cast a moody glow over cluttered tables. Steam rises from sizzling woks in the open kitchen. The air is thick with the scent of soy sauce, garlic, charred meat.
Near the back, ROBERT and TRENT linger by the swinging kitchen door, half-hidden from the diners. TRENT fidgets, eyeing a weary KITCHEN WORKER scraping leftover food into a heavy plastic bag.
TRENT
(hushed, tense)
Could you be a bit quicker, man. We’re starving.
The worker stiffens. He glances toward the chefs barking orders over boiling pots.
KITCHEN WORKER
(whispered, uneasy)
I get caught helping you? I lose my job.
ROBERT
(smooth, coaxing)
What’s with you? Nobody will see. Better yet, nobody will care.
TRENT gestures to the bag.
TRENT
It’s going in the trash anyway. Cut the nonsense.
The worker exhales, shifting his weight. Then, reluctantly, he shoves the bag toward Robert.
KITCHEN WORKER
(firm)
Take it and go. And don’t come back.
Robert nods, gripping the bag. TRENT is already rifling through it.
Half-eaten roast pork. Limp vegetables. A whole, untouched steamed bun.
TRENT
(grinning, triumphant)
Jackpot.
TRENT snatches the bun, stuffing it into his coat.
ROBERT
(warning)
We split fair.
TRENT
(mocking)
Fair? The reason we even got this treasure is because of me.
Robert snorts.
ROBERT
There you go hogging all the credit.
TRENT steps closer, the space between them tightening.
TRENT
What did you just say?
The tension too thick for the restaurant swells.
ROBERT
(low, simmering)
You always take the credit for the scraps we get and you always take more than your share.
TRENT chuckles, chewing fast.
TRENT
Sounds like you’re jealous.
Robert’s expression hardens.
In one swift motion, he shoves TRENT.
TRENT stumbles into a stack of empty trays. A waiter turns, startled.
WAITER
(stern)
Hey! You two—out!
Robert doesn’t argue. He grips TRENT’s sleeve and yanks him toward the back exit.
EXT. BACK ALLEY BEHIND CHINESE RESTAURANT – NIGHT
The alley hums with distant traffic. The door swings shut behind them.
TRENT, still laughing, shakes Robert off.
TRENT
(taunting)
Oh, you mad now?
Robert grips the bag tighter, turning away—but TRENT lunges, grabbing his collar.
TRENT
Not so fast.
Robert swings first. A brutal punch to TRENT’s gut.
TRENT staggers, then lands his own jab.
The punch lands home to Robert’s jaw.
Robert punches again. TRENT drops to the ground gasping, blood at his lips.
Robert stands over him, fists clenched. His breath is even. Not rage—something colder.
TRENT wheezes.
TRENT
(weak, wheezing)
What is wrong with you? Can’t I speak my mind?
Robert crouches, voice chillingly soft.
ROBERT
Speak all you want, but know when to shut up.
Then Robert moves—kicking, relentless. TRENT curls inward, no fight left.
Robert reaches into TRENT’s coat, pulls out the bun. Straightens his shirt. Steps over him.
Behind him, TRENT coughs, crumpled against the pavement.
The End. -
Fade In:
EXT. BACK ALLEY BEHIND HOSPITAL – NIGHTA dim alley is noisy with the sound of kitchen activity. The back door of Mercy Hospital’s kitchen creaks open. Low light filters out into the alley.
ROBERT, tall and rangy leans against the doorframe, flashing a wide smile. Next to him, TRENT, wiry and twitchy, eyes the kitchen worker. The tired-looking man wearing an apron, clutches a large bag of food scraps and leftovers. TRENT
We haven’t eaten for two days. Are you sure you can’t hook a brother up.KITCHEN WORKER
(uncertain)
I don’t know, man. If my supervisor found out I was feeding the homeless out the back door, I would be cooked. Besides you’re not one brother, you’re two.ROBERT
(grinning)
Come on, my friend. We’re doing the world a favor here.TRENT
(jabbing a finger at the bag)
Yeah, yeah, just hand it over. If you don’t give it to us it’s going to end up in the dumpster. We’ll get it anyway. But this way we can forgo foraging for it.The kitchen worker sighs and tosses the bag to Robert. He catches it with ease.
KITCHEN WORKER
(shaking head)
You better not cause trouble for me or I’ll have the cops run you two from around here.The worker disappears back inside, the door clicking shut.
Robert and Trent sniff the bag. Robert’s mouth waters as he rifles through the contents. A half-eaten steak, wilted greens, a near-intact loaf of bread.
TRENT
(eyes lighting up)
Jackpot!Trent lunges, snatching the steak like he’s claiming a prize.
ROBERT
(smirking)
Easy, man. We split this like civilized men.TRENT
(laughing, stuffing steak in his coat)
Civilized? Please. I did all of the begging this time. That means I get the biggest cut.ROBERT
(snorting)
You begged? All of your words put together barely made two sentences. You barely spoke.TRENT
(leaning in, aggressive)
Because you always talk too damn much.Tension crackles between them. Trent tears into a slice of bread, chewing with gusto.
ROBERT
Forget it man, my stomach is empty and this food is still warm. So let’s eat.
It’s nothing new about you always taking more than your share, Trent.TRENT
(mocking)
And? That’s the game. You should know by now.Robert stares, then suddenly, in one swift motion he shoves Trent hard.
Trent stumbles back, hitting the alley wall.
Robert has murder in his eyes, but he doesn’t dare retaliate with a blow of his own.
TRENT
(defensive, laughing)
What, you mad? Oh please.Robert doesn’t speak. He tucks the bag under his arm and tries to make a break for it.
Trent grabs Robert by the collar, dragging him into the dark recess of the alley.
TRENT
(struggling)
Running off with all of the spoils, so not cool Robert.Robert lands a punch to Trent’s abdomen.
Trent responds with a punch of his own.
A sickening crack echoes. Trent collapses to the ground, groaning. The bag falls to the ground trampled between the two of them.
Robert breathes hard, fists clenched. His face is blank. This wasn’t rage, this was something colder.
Trent wheezes. He has blood at the corner of his mouth.
TRENT
(gasping)
You… you were supposed to be the talker.Robert crouches, tilting his head.
ROBERT
(soft, chilling)
And you were supposed to know when to shut up.The tables have turned and Robert becomes the aggressor kicking Trent continually as he lies on the ground. Robert reaches into Trent’s pocket and pulls out the steak. Trent no longer puts up a fight.
Robert straightens his shirt. He steps over Trent, walking back out of the dimly lit alley.
Behind him, Trent coughs weakly, clutching his ribs.The End
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Artemis Craig (Deep into Your Characters)
What I learned from this assignment is to really look at what I want to convey about the character that can elevate the story.
Character traits = Person 1
1. Charming
2. Trustworthy
3. Procrastinator
4. Violent temperHas a smile that pulls you in. Makes you feel they are for you.
Tells the truth and gains your trust.
Waits until the last minute when making major decisions.
Punches walls, breaks windows, windshield, throws tv when angry.I don’t just like this person, I love them and fear for their safety.
Became a liar, manipulator, never get it done, seeking help
Character traits Person 2
1. Persistent
2. Arrogant
3. Self – doubt
4. MelodramaticA nag when you’re not moving quickly enough.
Doesn’t mind hitting you over the head with their intelligence.
Hides the secret that they are unsure of themselves.
Pretends to blow up, when the moment arrives to go off they never do.I like this person, but they test my patience.
Stayed a nag, toned down the arrogance, revealed the secret, still melodramatic.
Character traits Person 3
1. Dramatic
2. Angry
3. Sacrificial
4. Know- it- allOver the top when met with push back
Lashes out aggressively when challenged
Puts themselves in position to be needed
Knows everything about any situation.I don’t like this person at all.
Became even more dramatic, anger hides their cowardice, wants to be liked, doesn’t know crap.
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(Artemis Craig) Puts Essence to Work
“What I’ve learned that my opening scene could easily have worked as my pivotal midpoint scene. Tweaking the scenes help to heighten the tension.
Script I choose: The Value of Blood
Scene 1 Location: Opening Scene
Logline: Spencer Walach uncovers a conspiracy in a dimly lit warehouse where he is discovered and ends up paying a heavy price for the truth.
Essence I’ve discovered: The atmosphere is dark leading to peril and secrets that will be discovered throughout the rest of the movie.
New Logline: Spencer Walach is caught by a masked stranger with a pitbull recording evidence of a conspiracy at a warehouse that ends with him crashing into the dark waters below.Scene 2 Location: Act One (20 mins in)
Logline: Simetra Thomas is visited by her brother, Nevell as she faces underlying tension with a co-worker when she questions Spencer’s accident.
Essence I’ve discovered: Introduces Simetra, Nevell and Devona that have workplace conflict suggesting hidden pressures in finding out what happened to Spencer.
New Logline: A surprise visit from her brother lightens Simetra’s mood is interrupted by Deona Drummond, reveling a deeper conflict surrounding Spencer’s investigation.Scene 3 Location: Second Act
Logline: Simetra gets devastating news about Nevell’s comatose condition refuses to give up but commits herself to his recovery.
Essence I’ve discovered: Simetra’s value of her blood relationship is highlighted by her determination to do whatever it takes to save Nevell.
New Logline: Simetra arrives at the hospital to find her brother in critical condition. She refuses to accept diagnosis, vowing to fight for Nevell’s recovery.Scene 4 Second Act (midpoint)
Logline: While searching Nevell’s office Simetra discovers Nevell’s knowledge of the conspiracy surrounding the activities going on in the warehouse.
Essence I’ve discovered: The stakes are raised and the mystery continues to unfold. Simetra is faced with Nevell’s wealth and how he got it.
New Logline: While searching Nevell’s office Simetra stumbles upon files linking him to medical supply companies and a larger conspiracy.Scene 5 Location: Second Act
Logline: Simetra is overwhelmed by the responsibility of voting Nevell’s proxy and comes face to face with her power as Nevell’s guardian.
Essence I’ve discovered: Simetra goes through transformation as the power of being Nevell’s voice as a shareholder in major corporations teaches her to adapt to the control she inherits.
New Logline: Simetra struggles with voting for Nevell at shareholders meeting but realizes the weight of her decisions and the power she now has. -
(Artemis Craig) Finds the Essence
“What I’ve learned is the use of subtext was incredible because of the many layers of the dialogue. Most of the scenes were compelling because the characters rarely said what they really meant.”
Script I choose: Chinatown
Scene 1 Location: First Act (20 minutes in)
Logline: Jake Gittes steps into a web of deception after he is hired by Evelyn Mulwray who suspects her husband of cheating.
Essence: The scene sets up the corruption that will unravel throughout the rest of the movie.
Scene 2 Location: First Act
Logline: Jake Gittes investigates Los Angeles water supply and discovers an underlying conspiracy.
Essence: Jake realizes that Hollis Mulway’s death was not because he was cheating but was somehow connected to unaccounted for water diversion in the city’s water system.
Scene 3 Location: Second Act (Midpoint)
Logline: Jake Gittes meets Noah Cross finding the man a threat that might be more powerful than anyone he’s ever been up against.
Essence: Jake thought he was uncovering a conspiracy, but he finds out just how ruthless Noah Cross can be.
Scene 4 Location: Second Act (Near the end)
Logline: Jake finds Ida Session’s body, realizing he is being set up.
Essence: Jake thought he had the answers and knew who the players were, only to learn how deep the corruption runs in the conspiracy.
Scene 5 Location: Third Act
Logline: Jake Gittes confronts Evelyn Mulwray and discovers a secret that changes everything.
Essence: Evelyn confesses that her sister is also her daughter which reveals her trauma and the truth about the monster who is her father, Noah Cross.
The profound essence, I think is that Jake is searching for and finds the truth but is powerless to do anything about it. -
Artemis Craig
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”
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Artemis Craig
I agree to the terms of this release form.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Hi Everyone,
I’m Artemis, an Alumni of Screenwriting U I’ve written 2 screenplays and co-wrote 1 screenplay.
I hope to take my scripts to another level.
I write poetry and recite poetry at The Inspired Poetry Corner. -
Artemis Craig
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”