[j y]

Jessica's Transformational Events

What I learned doing the assignment is … I need more events in act 2. And I might have too many villains (old woman at home, coworker, demon).

Act 1: Set up and see the Old Ways.
• Hook: the possessed son is killed by a car in front of parent’s house
• Opening: a student leaves her apartment and hop on the bus to another town where she rents a room from an old couple. She listens to the rules and does as old lady says.
• At work, she uses self control to refrain from eating box of donuts in the fridge
• Inciting Incident: Old lady acts strange. Old man reveals they lost their son last year. Strange occurrences happen.
• Turning Point: she discovers she’s been marked (as mark on body)

Act 2: Challenge the Old Ways.
• New plan: Investigates and discovers the couple want to use her body to host a demon they’ll summon.
• Plan in action: ESCAPE: She tries to leave and misses the last bus. She’s stuck here another week.
• Midpoint Turning Point: She stand up to old woman, breaks the rule and says NO. She leaves.

Act 3: With the Midpoint change, the Old Ways are dropping off and profound moments give us the New Ways.
• Rethink everything. She asks coworker for help. He takes advantage of her. Words spread in the office that she’s easy. She stands up to her boss.
• New plan: Returns home. Tries to steal the book or incantations. Shows it to an ally.
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: She becomes the demon. (During the Halloween party, discovers symbols sown into her costume. She can’t take it off. Demon invades her body. She kills the coworker who took advantage of her.)

Act 4: Test the change in this character! Prove New Ways!
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: Kills couple who know she stole her roomate’s identity.
• Resolution: She admits her guilt (she killed her roommate and stole her identity). Demon takes her away.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica’s) 4 Act Transformational Structure
What I learned doing this assignment is…not to forget about the antagonist when building a 4 act structure"
• Concept: A shy female student travels to a small town for an internship and soon realizes her landlords (an old couple) are devil worshippers who plan to use her body to host the soul of their son who died almost one year ago.
• Main Conflict: the old woman who wants her to be – or become – her dead son vs her who must learn to be her own person, be herself.
• Old ways: doesn’t speak much, eat alone, let people walk all over her, helpless.
• New Ways: speak her mind, eat people’s brains (when she’s possessed), assertive and strong, doesn’t take no for an answer.

Act 1:
• Hook: the possessed son is killed by a car in front of parent’s house
• Opening: a student leaves her apartment and hop on the bus to another town where she rents a room from an old couple.
• Inciting Incident: she reads from a strange book she finds in the old couple’s house. Strange occurrences happen.
• Turning Point: she discovers she’s been marked (as mark on body)
Act 2:
• New plan: She investigates. The couple want to use her body! She tries to leave the room and fails.
• Plan in action: She misses the last bus and her chance to leave. She’s stuck here another week. Defense!
• Midpoint Turning Point: The old lady works as a cleaning lady at work!
Act 3:
• Rethink everything. Betrayed by a coworker who takes advantage of her. Men in her office buzz around her like flies.
• New plan: During the Halloween party, she lets the demon invade her body so she can kill the coworker who took advantage of her
• Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift: She becomes the demon
Act 4:
She hosts the soul of the dead son. The couple enjoys their son for one evening.
• Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict: during Halloween party, she finds demonic markings in her costume, transforms into a demon. She kills all her coworkers.
• Resolution: Kills the couple.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica’s Character Interviews
What I learned doing this assignment is… one of my character’s main trait is inpersonification. At first, she doesn’t have her own personality so she imitates other people. When the antagonist (the old woman who lost her son) starts addressing her and treating her like her (dead) son, she resists the attention. Finds her own strength and personality. Fights back

[j y]

Lesson 3
Jessica’s Character Profile Part 2
What I learn during this assignment is: the questionnaire allowed me to know my character better. I discovered some secrets and traits I didn’t know she had.
What draws us to this character: she seems helpless, a young student arriving in a small city for an intership. Can she survives the supernatural phenomena in her rented room (that leave her sleep-deprived) and the cut-throat world of her internship (that will drives her to murder)?
Traits: liar (hides the truth). Observe other people and copy their traits, acting and sounding like them, almost unconsciously, like looking into a mirror.
Flaw: she has low self-esteem, so always want to be someone else.
Subtext: it’s easier to just be yourself. Let your real person shines. It’s less work to show your true self then try to hide your demon every day.
Values: extremely hard worker, she’s one of these people who would kill themselves at work, working long hours, etc. One day, falls asleep at work, and continues working in the morning, as if nothing has happened, pulling a 24 hour shift. Works come first.
Irony: she stole someone else’s identiy, slipping inside their life. Now, demon is trying to possess her, slipping inside her body.
What makes her the right character for this role? She’s a vulnerable young woman who discovers he true strength and uncovers her true self when she lets the demon out.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica’s Character Profiles Part 1

What I learned doing this assignment is: just by filling up the character profile you can get some great insights/breakthroughs about your story. The presence of a Wound and Secrets in your character really deepen the story

2. Pick the type of role your Protagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.

Runner: They are fleeing something/someone, as that’s the only way to survive.

Why she’s a runner: She killed her best friend, steals her identity and job placement (internship) in another town.

3. Pick the type of role your Antagonist will play and give us a few sentences on how they will fulfill that role.

Villain: An expression of the Hero’s fears. The one who will challenge the Hero to their core.

Predator: The shark, serial killer, narcissist. They have no empathy. They are there to eat you.

Villains are the couples who rent a room for her.

Predator is the devil/demon summoned by the couple who will possess her body

4. What other characters might be necessary?

Supporting characters: Side kicks, best friends, key business associates = Senior couple who rents a room t her

Minor roles: Characters who are in just a few scenes = an abusive colleague, her boss.

Background characters: Extras needed to make it work visually =Coworkers

5. Pick your genre.

Horror

Sub-genre: possession

6. Fill in whatever answers come to you about your lead character profiles.

The Female student

Role in the story: the main protagonist is a shy student who flees her hometown following the mysterious disappearance of her best friend.

Age range and Description: 22. Makes herself small all the time. Look at the floor when people speak to her. Doesn’t feel she belongs in the room at work. Stressed at work and at home.

Internal Journey: from shy to assertive

External Journey: From innocent girl to ruthless murderer

Motivation:

Want: She wants to avoid suspicion. Following the disappearance of her best friend she flees town.

Need: to confess what she did, to get rid of the guilt.

Wound: She’s worthless, according to her parents and best friend. Boasting about her internship, the friend said she wouldn’t last a week there. This statement hurt her and triggered her murder impulse.

Mission/Agenda: When supernatural phenomema are interfering with her sleep and the landlords strange behaviours are escalating, she investigates and discovers the couple nefarious plan to use her body to host the sould of their dead son, thanks to a pact with the devil.

Secret: She killed her best friend, stole her identity and internship placement.

What makes them special? Under the shy introverted girl hides a ruthless murderer full of guilt.

• This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  j y.

[j y]

Ok I'm super behind (I just figured out which story I want to develop for this class), but let's dot this!!!

Jessica's Transformational Journey

What I learned during this assignment is that your character must go through an extreme transformational journey. This is not the place for subtlety. Make it a big change! At the end, your character is almost the opposite of what they were at the beginning.

2. Who is your Hero and what is their Character Arc that represents a transformation?

A shy female student who travelled alone to a strange small town for an internship soon realizes her landlords (an old couple) are devil worshippers who want to use her body to host the soul of their son who died almost one year ago.

Internal Journey: from a shy student who let people walk all over her to an assertive woman who stand up for herself.

External Journey: from a quiet student who wouldn’t hurt a fly to a foul-mouthed demon-vixen who punishes the coworkers who hurt her.

3. What are the Old Ways and New Ways?

Old ways: doesn’t speak much, eat alone, let people walk all over her, helpless.

New Ways: speak her mind, eat people’s brains (when she’s possessed), assertive and strong, doesn’t take no for an answer.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay
I’m currently rewriting my first contained horror feature film.
Hoping to learn to write scripts faster.
I like heights and always visit the tallest building in every city I travel to.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay
“I agree to the terms of this release form.”

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[j y]

Really love the new improved dialogue. Not only did you do a great job revealing the character through dialogue, but you did it in a way that adds more comedy to your horror comedy script. Great examples!

[j y]

What I learned during this assignment is a scene must have multiple emotional reveals and reversals.

In Turning Point 2, she conquers the beast using her new skills. We think the beast is dead, but it’s not. During the fight, she discovers beast is female! Instead of heading for the door, Joanna opens door of her locker so beast can give birth (showing sacrifice)

[j y]

Jessica’s Character Intros/Exits
What I learned doing this assignment: Character intro and extro are closely related. If a character shows a need to be fulfilled in the intro, this need must be fulfilled at the end. I had done this for the main character, but not the secondary characters. I was able to give a better ending to the Building Manager (he dies because of his greed) thanks to this exercise)
Current character intro:
• Joanna tries on a new sports top.
• She takes a selfie.
• There’s a hyena behind her (on TV).
• She deletes the photo.
• Takes another selfie.
• Posts it on social.
• Stretches. In Sprinter’s position.

New character intro:
• A show on TV: Preys vs Predator.
• A WOMAN takes her keys near a pile of overdue bills and leaves her apartment.
• The woman, Joanna, is jogging in the park.
• A woman pushing a stroller smiles at her. Joanna runs faster.
• People gives her worried looks as she zooms by. Running fast.
• She sees a MAN SMOKING behind a tree.
• Distracted by the vision, she almost gets hit by a car.
• The driver yells at her: what’s your problem.
• She sees her “problem” reflected in his window: a baby bump. She’s five month pregnant.
• She denies being pregnant.
• The driver says she’s crazy and leaves.
• She pukes on the sidewalk.
(What it does – reveals her ability as a runner and the weakness – denying her pregnancy – that she’ll have to overcome at the end)
Fitting ending:
• She makes peace with her father and leaves the urn in the rabbit shed.
• Takes care of the beast’s puppy.
• Talk to her baby.
• Walks towards the house she inherited.
(Meaning, she forgave her father, stopped running away, and is now accepting her pregnancy)

Mrs Larsen Character intro:
• Larsen peaks in hallway and mistakes Joanna for cleaning lady.
• When asked, refuses to answer questin: there’s not pets allowed here. (Mrs Larsen want: to hide the fact there’s a starving beast in storage locker)
(Why it’s fitting intro: shows she’s hiding a secret and is not ready to talk and tell the truth, she hides what she knows, feeling guilty about John’s death)

Mrs Larsen extro:
• Tells the origin story of the beast.
• Full of guilt for causing death of John, her neighbour, the man she loved. (by not feeding beast)
• Joanna forgives her. (Mrs Larsen’s need: to be forgiven)
• She dies, having found peace.
(This is a fitting ending because she was full of guilt, and now she can be at peace)

Building Manager intro
• Caught stealing items from apartment (wants: money)
• Takes a glass of water, scanning for items on shelves
• Gives Joanna 3 days to empty palce or she’ll owe 1 month rent. (want: more money)
• Gives Joanna business card of removal company (wants; more money)
Action shows primary traits: greedy thief.

Building Manager Character ending:
• He wants to get something valuable (fromlocker where beast is)
• He gets attacked by beast.
(It’s a fitting ending: he dies because he is greedy, he gets punished for his greed)

 

• This reply was modified 10 months ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica's Unique character dialogue
What I learned doing this assignment is I didn't have much dialogue in the first draft, so I'm presenting the "after" dialogue".

(In this scene, Joanna picks up her boxes containing her self-published kids book at the post office)

POSTAL WORKER
Signature.
JOANNA
You mean, autograph.

She hugs the box.

JOANNA
My baby!

***
BUILDING MANAGER
I'll come back later. Fix the faucet..
JOANNA
Can it wait? I'm leaving. tomorrow.
BUILDING MANAGER
(glancing at her baby bump)
If you wait too long, little problems become bigger problems.

**
JOANNA
I love animals. I would never hurt an animal. But I don’t know what the fuck you are, so–

Off she goes with the weedwacker.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 1 week ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s meaningful action
What I learned doing this assignment is that most of my scenes had meaning expressed through action, but I’ve got a lot of work on the ones that didn’t. The story changed so much in the last couple of weeks, that I have a big clean-up to do in the script, scene and structure-wise. It’s a long but interesting process, going from outline to script constantly.
Scene –. Meaning: Joanna connects with her (dead) dad.
Action: She lays his clothes on the bed. Next morning, wakes up cuddled with them.
Scene –. Meaning: beast tries to get her attention.
Action: Beast leaves doll outside locker 1301 where Joanna will discover a tunnel.
Scene –. Meaning: she’s ready to sacrifice herself.
Action: Joanna removes all protective equipment, ready for the final fight.

• This reply was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 4 weeks ago by  j y.

[j y]

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• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 11 months ago by  j y.

[j y]

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• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 10 months, 3 weeks ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Elevated Scene Structures
What I learned from doing this assignment is… I was able to elevate a few scenes by using the model. After realizing some weakest scenes could actually be removed without affecting the scripts, I cleaned up the script even more. It was also interesting to see that my strongest scenes were already following the model, so that just confirmed that the model worked.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s scene ratings
What I learned doing this assignment is screenwriting is a process. With the new added scene, the script is now a patchwork of different versions. Some scenes repeat. There are problems with scene structure, pacing and character motivation. It will take a lot of work to fix this. I’m staying optimistic. I understand it’s a process.
I was a bit too generous in the ratings. Frankly, there are lots of transition scenes where nothing happens, but it sets the mood for a horror film (slow and creepy). I was bored reading myself. I have 4-5 set pieces where there’s a lot of action, but will it be enough to sustain reader’s attention? I will concentrate or making these scenes even stronger and see what happens. I also noticed most of my set pieces (strongest ratings) are in act 2-3, which I guess makes sense (Climax, etc.)
There was also problem with scenes numbering. Due to a lot of scenes happening in storage, I have many mini-slug lines (eg. Hallway, lockers), but they were not numbered. So I had to do a lot of reformatting on scene heading / numbering.

The most fun part of the process is that I transferred all the scenes and ratings to excel sheet to create an intensity chart so I can get a visual graph. That's something I always wanted to try. (see instructions at https://moralpremise.blogspot.com/2019/07/ensuring-good-roller-coaster-ride-for_3.html And Monsters inc. intensity chart at https://www.tckpublishing.com/how-to-write-a-screenplay/
IN ORDER OF SCENES

ACT 1
Scene 1. E7 lonely man discovers beast at park.
Scene 2. E4 bought dog food. Picks up leash. Photo of Charlie.
Scene 4. E6 feed monster to come tohouse.
Scene 5. E6 man takes monster in suitcase inside house.
Scene 7. E7 man takes monster in basement. Strangles it. Attack!
Scene 10. E7 john scribbles a message and dies. In his apt.
Scene 12 E4 runs to apt.
Scene 13. E5 removes tag off clothes.
Scene 14. E5 tries on new top.
Scene 16. E5 takes selfie with hyena. Stretches to run.
Scene 17. E6 jogging, white rabbit, meets mike.
Scene 18. E4 he walks her home. They make love.
Scene 19. E4 steals money from mike while he sleeps
Scene 21. E7 dog throws up.
Scene 22. E5 leaves mike at vet.
Scene 24. E3 cleaning up.gets phone call from memento rmori
Scene 26. E4 memento mori funeral.

ACT 2
Scene 29. E4 arriving at father’s place. No pets allowed
Scene 33. E5. Enters father’s apt. looks for dog. Mike calls.she wants to rescue his dog. Nightmare-father pops balloon. Noise in the apat! Catches manager
Scene 34. E3 cleaning up
Scene 36. E3 no mail.
Scene 39. E4 hungover. Manager and resident tours bedroom.
Scene 40. E3 manager tours with renter. He asks for lazyboy
Scene 41 E4. They push lazyboy to his place.
Scene 42. E3 finds message stor– Junk removal don,t take urn.
Scene 43. E4 picks up mail – pension chques. Removal guy pays manager.
Scen 44. E4 bank needs death certificiate. Junk removal won’t give it back.
Scene 45. E3 pregnancy test positive.
Scene 46. E4 pregnancy test seen. Tea with Larsen
Scene 48. E5 doesn’t tell mike about pregnancy. Inspection. He wants her to clean.
Scene 50. E6. Manager won’t take key, wants her to empty locker
Scene 51. E3 entering locker.
Scene 53. E5 Stealing items. Door is blocked. She can’t leave.
Scene 54. E3. She writes a message for help.
Scene 55. E4. She slips message under door. Search another exit. AC banging
Scene 56. E5 browses photo album. Finding the doll. Reading to bunny. Leaky pipe. Urinate.
Scene 57. E6 Tennis ball squeeze. Baby spiders. Hair grabbing. Animal drinking. There’s somethingin the locker, pulling sleeping bag uot. First sight. Barricade. Finds picnic basket. Barricade breach. Attack!
Scene 58 E.5 she crosses to seamstress locker. changes clothe.
Scene 59. E6 crossing on a ladder.
Scene 60. E8 Constr. Locker. uses mirror. Loses bunny. Poison balloon. truce at he water hole.
Scene61. E4 she removes clothes from doll. Realizes beast is hungry.
Scene 63. E7. Uses picnic basket with baby mice to attract monster, but saves them.
Scene 64. E7Saves mouse, they get eaten. She runs.
Scene 66. E7. Uses camera flash to blind beast. Takes weird selfies.
Scene 68. E4 loses bunny, by throwing it like a grenade. It gets eaten, slows down the beast.
Scene 69. E7. Joanna makes a diversion and stays to help mrs Larsen, getting the beast
Scene 71. E6. Larsen dies, can’t make it over wall (warning: this is a repeat, see scene 77-78)
Scene 72. E7. Failure. Sowing wounds (REPEAT SCENE TO FIX). Realizes door is open! She could leave. Time to get dirty. Breaking things.
Scene 76. E8 Stakeout. She bows. Inflates raft.
Scene 77. E5 Larsen not dead!

ACT 3
Scene 78. E5 Larsen not dead – tells monster origin story. Dies. Joanna does a loop. Opens all locker. Dilemna: Stay or help Larsen? (PROBLEM TO FIX HERE) She stays.
Scene 80. E6 opening all lockers. Larsen gets eaten. She retreats.
Scene 81. E6 breaking things montage. Losing doll. Saving doll.
Scene 83. E8. Naming the baby. Beast steals doll who cries mamma. She goes after the doll. She removes all protective clothing.
Scene 85. E8. Resurrection. AC unit doesn’t fall. Beast not dead. Fight mano a mano. Discovers a tit. Beast is female and giving birth. She opens locker
Scene 86. E5 discovers Charlie her father’s stuffed dog and another from father.

ACT4
Scene 87. E8 Manager enters storage and discovers the mess.
Scene 88. E6 She tries to escape but is stopped by Manager.
Scene 89. E9. Manager wants to kill her for the money.
Scene 92. E7. Crawling in a tunnel, chased by manager.
Scne 94. E8 fighting manager in furnace room. She uses beast against him.
Scene 95. E5. Crawls out of the tunnel after her victory.
Scene 96. E5 Washing up after the fight and putting on a new dress.
Scene 98. E6. Giving bunny to beast and picking up the doll.
Scene 99. E6. Forgives dad. Hesitate to leave the puppies.
Scene 101. E7. Freeing the beast and pups at the pond.
Scene 104. E5. Reaching out to Mike (from the Lakehouse).
Scene 107. E8. Final scene. Biten by puppy.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay's Outline Exchange 2

Anybody ready to exchange feedbacks on their outline?

My outline is 14 pages.

DEATH CLEANING
Genre: Horror
Concept: After her father’s death, a pregnant woman seeking her inheritance gets trapped in the basement of his building where she must battle a bloodthirsty creature using objects found in storage lockers.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  j y.

[j y]

Correction: 12 pages.
(RE: Death cleaning outline v2 july 4 2024 NUMBERED.fdx)

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Outline to Script!
What I learned from doing this assignment is that the outline helped make the script a bit tighter. I combined a lot of scenes. Removed some.
I created a longer hook (introducing how her father found the creature). Not sure if that scene will stay at the end. Maybe it’s revealing too much too soon. We’ll see.
Focusing on the character’s transformation means I’ll have to create a few more scenes during the rewrite to establish relationship between Joanna and her father.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Horror Outline Version 1
Title: Death Cleaning
Logline: Trapped in the basement of a building, a pregnant woman battles a bloodthirsty creature using objects found in storage lockers.

1. OPENING. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, STORAGE LOCKERS – NIGHT
JOHN (60) is attacked by a vicious creature.

2. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
He dies of a heart attack.

3. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – DAY
Joanna retrieves clothes from her purse and removes their anti-theft devices.

4. EXT. PARK – DAY
Chasing a white rabbit, she almost gets hit by a car. MIKE (23), a passerby, stops to ask if she’s okay. His dog grabs the dead rabbit.

5. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE – DAY
Mike escorts Joanna home. She kisses him.

6. BEDROOM
They make love.
NEXT DAY.
She steals money from his wallet while he sleeps. He’s a cop! She hides clothes with store tags.

7. LIVING ROOM
She practices yoga. Her arm is shaky. She massages her old shoulder injury. Hears spooky noise coming from the —

8. KITCHEN
Mike’s dog throws up blood, bones, and fur at her feet.

9. EXT. VETERINARIAN OFFICE, PARKING LOT – DAY
Mike holds a leash. No dog. She tries to console him. He knows she stole money from him and leaves her in the parking lot.

10. INT. JOANNA’S APARTMENT, KITCHEN – DAY
Joanna cleans the blood on the floor.

11. INCITING INCIDENT. INT. BATHROOM – DAY
She throws up. Gets a phone call from Memento Mori.

12. EXT. MEMENTO MORI FUNERAL HOME – DAY
She picks up her father’s urn and personal belongings at a “drive-thru” funeral. Finds his address and keys dangling from a white rabbit’s paw keychain.

13. EXT. JOHN’S APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
A sign “NO PETS ALLOWED”.

14. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
A picture of her father and his dog. No traces of the dog.
Texts Mike. He asks why she was chasing the rabbit. Strange noises. She chases a raccoon out of the apartment.

15. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM- DAY
She wants to sleep in, but is awaken by footsteps. There’s someone in the apartment!

16. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROM – DAY
She catches the BUILDING MANAGER (late 50s, leather vest) going through her father’s stuff.
He gives her five days to empty the place or he’ll charge her a month’s rent. He gives her business card of a junk removal company.

17. INT. JOHN’S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY – DAY
She meets her father’s neighbour MRS. LARSEN (70, bandaged hand) and ask about her father’s dog. She says pets are not allowed in the building, and shuts the door.

18. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She looks for money, valuables, but apartment has been cleaned up (probably by Manager). She calls junk removal company.

19. INT. JOHN’S BEDROOM – DAY
She wakes up to find manager showing apartment to OLD MAN (a potential renter). Her body is exposed. Manager winks at her.

20. INT. JOHN’S KITCHEN – DAY
Manager escorts OLD MAN out then asks for her father’s armchair.

21. INT. BUILDING MANAGER’S APARTMENT – DAY
They push armchair to his place.

22. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She finds scribbled message STOR where armchair was. Doesn’t know what it means.
She pushes the urn OUT of the KEEP pile. Junk removal company arrives.

23. EXT. PARK – DAY
She waits in the park.

24. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Urn still there. They don’t take human remains. And they can’t give her money because the stuff is worth nothing.

25. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, LOBBY – DAY
She sees Junk Removal Guy give money to manager. She waits for mailman. Finds three pension cheques with different names sent to her father’s address. Manager grabs them.

26. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Joanna asks for her father’s money, but Bank needs death certificate. She phones Removal company but they remind her she signed a contract.

27.INT. JOHN’S BATHROOM – DAY
She throws up.

28.INT. PHARMACY – DAY
Exits with shopping bag.

29. INT. JOHN’S HALLWAY – DAY
Mrs. Larsen sees pregnancy test through plastic bag.

30. INT. MRS. LARSEN’S APARTMENT – DAY
Mrs. Larsen confirms father’s dog is dead – they had him stuffed. Didn’t she find him?
She confirms names of previous residents from her father’s place – same name she saw on envelops. She warns Joanna to get out as soon as she can.

31. INT. JOHN’S BATHROOM – DAY
Pregnancy test is positive.

32. INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Calls Mike, but doesn’t tell him about pregnancy. He asks again why she was chasing white rabbit. She doesn’t answer.
She packs her suitcase. Manager inspects apartment. Wants her to clean the floor. She cleans floor with old t-shirt as OLD MAN watches, waiting to move in.

33. TURNING POINT 1. INT. BUILDING MANAGER’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Manager won’t take keys back. He demands she empties her father’s storage locker before midnight. She remembers her father’s scribbling STOR.

34.INT. STORAGE AREA – DAY
She finds a few keepsakes, including a stitched Bunny (full of lavender buds) and a letter from father asking her to feed Charlie. She yells that his dog is dead.
She piles up boxes outside the door. She’s done.
Eyeing some valuables, she breaks in lockers and steals items.
She tries to leave, but the pile of boxes (and stolen goods) collapses, blocking the door. She’s trapped inside! No phone.
She looks for another exit – finds none.

35. ENTRANCE
She paints a message – HELP – and slips it under the door. Doesn’t notice the claw marks on the concrete floor
A banging noise is revealed to be an old unstable air conditioning unit, dangling from a metal arm.
In another hallway, water PLOPS from a leaky pipe into a bucket underneath.
Since JOHN’S LOCKER is now empty she takes refuge in —

36. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER
Joanna browses through Mrs. Larsen’s photo albums and discovers she had a husband and child but they died. She tucks in a doll.
Scare: Suddenly, all lights go off.
Release: a few emergency lights turn back on.
MINUTES LATER
Joanna gets ready to spend the night. Xmas lights plugged in. Annoyed by plopping sound.

37. HALLWAY
She puts fabric at the bottom of the bucket.
She finds a locker with door ajar. She closes it. Finds a tennis ball and takes it.

38. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER
Scares: Sleeping, her hand sticks out in hallway, under the door, between planks, holding the tennis ball. Something zeroes in on it.
Release: She removes her hand at last second, stirring in her sleep.
Scares: Baby spiders climbs on her.
Realease: She slaps them. Sits on boxes to sleep.
Scares: Nightmare – a creature grabs her hair.
Release: Wakes up to find her hair was just stuck on a long nail.
Awake. The plop noise is louder.

39. HALLWAY
As she approaches bucket, it falls. Water spills. An animal scampers off. She’s not alone!

40. EXIT
Cardboard on floor was pushed back, smudged, now reads HELL.

41. HALLWAY
A hairy creature comes out, pulling out the sleeping bag. The string of Xmas lights unplug before she can see more.

42. NEW PLAN. LOCKER
She shelters in place. Creates a barricade.
Beast breaches barricade. Joanna comes face to face with it. Beast smells Joanna and attacks. Joanna crawls over the wall

43. ANOTHER LOCKER
Beast finds her smell. She throws her clothes in hallway. Beast shreds them and moves away.
She puts on old clothes – vintage shorts and top.
Looking for objects to defend herself. Doll points to tool box in locker across hallway.

44. HALLWAY
She crosses over the hallway using a ladder as a bridge.

45. CONSTRUCTION LOCKER
The only tool she finds is a mini exacto knife with one inch blade. She uses it to unscrew bicycle mirror and look in hallway.

46.HALLWAY
Crossing back. The ladder falls in hallway. Beast chases.
She throws Bunny. Beast eats it. Gets sleepy. (Beast weakness: lavender is like catnip to the beast.)

47. PLAN IN ACTION. LOCKER
Sows bunny. Overfeeds it. Gets an idea.
Fills balloon with rat poison. Throws it to the beast. It catches it, but beast sneezes poison in her face!

48.HALLWAY
They both run to the water hole from opposite direction. Beast drinks and Joanna washes her eyes.
They’re face to face. After a MIGHTY ROAR, the beast throws up the balloon. Joanna runs.

49.LOCKER
Doll is covered in poison. She peels off one layer of clothes (from pink to blue). Her stomach growls. She realizes monster is also hungry.

50. HALLWAY
Horror situation: using baby mice as bait.

Suspense: she places the picnic basket in the hallway. The baby mice are inside. She waits for the beast to appear and eat the mice.
Dread: Monster comes closer. Momma mouse looks at Joanna. She decides to save the mice.
Surprise: Monster breaks in, eats the mice (and momma mouse). Chase.
Monster reveal: Monster is hungry and wants to eat her.

51. HALLWAY
She kisses and throws bunny like a grenade to slow down the beast. Loses Bunny.

52. LOCKER
Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast.

Surprise: she finds her father’s phone in the locker (where he was attacked). Her birthday unlocks it.
Dread: She walks in hallway. The beast could be anywhere.
Fear: monster arrives.
Panics: monster chases. She flees.
Suspense: Will monster catch her?
Dread: Monster is close. Almost reach her.
Hysteria: she uses the phone flash to blind the beast.
Surprise: she looks at monster pic.
Monster reveal: a glimpse of its physical appearance. It’s terrifying.
Scare: a noise!
Release: it was just a box falling.

53. MIDPOINT. LOCKER
Finds pictures of her mom on her dad’s phone. It gives her energy to fight. Prep montage. She puts on hockey equipment and straps doll to her chest for protection. She’s now ready to fight.

54. RETHINK EVERYTHING. HALLWAY
The doll strapped to herself like Rambo-with-a-baby, she attacks! They become ally in the fight, fist bumping and high fiving.
The attack fails. She gets injured.

55. FAILURE. LOCKER
HORROR SITUATION: losing the doll.
HYSTERIA: As beast rams against door, Joanna removes a giant splinter. She bleeds heavily. She sows her wound with threads and needle.
APPREHENSION: She cleans doll, removes the last layer of slimy clothes. Discovers it’s a girl. Not knowing if she and her baby will live, she names the doll (and her baby) Violet. Hugging doll, she finds a battery holder. Struggles to insert batteries.
Surprise: And just when she’s about to press monster breaks in and steals doll!

ANGUISH: The sound of the doll crying Mamma awakes her maternal instinct.
HORROR: Beast taunts her with doll. She can’t help but want to save it.
She removes all protection. Time to get dirty!

56. VARIOUS LOCKERS
NEW PLAN. Prep montage – She breaks things. Creates traps and weapons.

57. MRS. LARSEN’S LOCKER
Stakeout under rabbit fur coat. She steps out for the big showdown.

58. HALLWAY
She faces beast with a Super Soaker filled with urine. Sprays her urine everywhere. Beast goes mad.
Saves doll by throwing it in another locker where it will be safe, out of reach. (She’s done her job as a mother, by protecting the doll.)
Horror situation: She tries to scare beast by making herself look larger – making butterfly wings with sleeping bag over her head. The beast cowers.
Apprehension: Her arm shakes, gets tired.
Monster reveals: monster gets even larger and looms over her
Dread: Joanna bows, at the mercy of the beast
Surprise: she pulls the handle of inflatable raft. Rafts inflates, scaring beast
Horror: raft hits a nail. It deflates.
Chases. Beast pushes against raft. Rafts crashes on wall.
Dread: will monster catch her?

59. LOCKER
She falls in a trap. Gets injured. Beast drags her to a tunnel towards a certain death. Suddenly –

60. HALLWAY
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen (who cleared the blocked door) arrives to check on Joanna.
Surprise: Mrs. Larsen is in storage!
Panic: Beast attacks Mrs Larsen. She uses the diversion to reach the door.
Horror: Beast eats Mrs Larsen.
Suspense: Will she leave or stay to help Mrs Larsen? She decides to stay.
Panic: They flee in a locker, but Mrs. Larsen can’t make it over the wall.
Hysteria: Larsen dies.

61. HALLWAY
Horror situation: Joanna stays to confront the beast.
Apprehension: Joanna finally reaches door, but beast roars to get her attention.
Suspense: She sees it has her mother’s brooch on fur (a family heirloom). Will she stay or go? She closes door. This time it’s personal.
Horror: She runs in a loop. Beast chases. Its heads get caught in a rope attached to all the locks — all locker doors open as beast pushes forward.
Dread: Beast is held back, only inches from Joanna’s face.
Monster reveal: the monster in all its glory.
Dread: Beast backs away and door CLACKS in reverse.
Suspense: All doors are now open, obscuring view of hallway.
Dread: Suddenly all doors slams back again as monster lunge forward. She runs as the rope breaks and monster chases her.
Except now all lockers are open, so she can use the big objects from inside lockers. Weedwhackers, etc.
Beast gets entangled in Xmas lights. Exhilarating battle. But then things go sideways.

62. LOCKER
She takes refuge in a locker. Larsen grabs her ankle (not dead).
Larsen reveals the monster origin. How she found beast in park and brought it here as her secret pet. But it became aggressive. When it bit her, she stopped feeding it, thinking it would die, but it attacked Joanna’s father (who was her lover). Following his death, she’s been plagued with guilt. She dies from her wound.
Joanna removes all protective equipment.

63. EXECUTE NEW PLAN. HALLWAY
Horror situation: fighting the beast.
Surprise: She pulls on AC but it doesn’t fall.
Scare: Beast gets closer. AC finally falls.
Release: Beast lies dead. It’s over.
Apprehension: she walks carefully around the dead body.
Scare: Beast not dead! It grabs her ankle.
Panic: She does yoga pose to grab object and strike the beast.
Monster reveal: Fights mano-a-mano and discovers beast has tits! The Beast is female!
Surprise: She punches beast in the tits and gets covered in bloody mucus.
Anxiety: Beast grunts in pain, walks away, steps on the cardboard sign.
Apprehension:Joanna crawls to exit, sees sign that now says HELL O. Frowns. Beast moans.

64. TURNING POINT 2. Beast drags itself aimlessly in hallway, followed by a trail of blood. Joanna opens door of a locker. Beast crawls in.
Beast gives birth to pups.
Joanna realizes all this was her fault. By closing door of the locker earlier, she had accidentally locked beast out of its lair and left it to roam in hallway. Beast was just protecting entrance of its lair.
She finds her father’s stuffed dog Charlie and a note “Don’t forget to feed Charlie”. She sees $100 bill sticking out of mouth. The stomach is full of it. He used dog as piggy bank! Picks it up and faints before she can reach door.
Wakes up when Manager comes in. She tries to leave without being seen (if he finds out she was stealing stuff she’ll go to prison). The ripped cardboard sign says HE.
Meanwhile he finds Mrs. Larsen’s body, the beast and puppies. He calls her name. Knows it’s her who created this mess. She tries to reach the exit.
He catches her.
She smashes the stuffed dog on his head. It explodes with cash. Manager says he’ll let her go, if she leaves the money, but when she walks by, he grabs her. She knows he steals cheques from dead residents so he wants to kill her.
Big chase.

65 .LOCKER
Enters locker (the one with door swinging ajar that she had closed earlier) and discovers a tunnel.

66. TUNNEL
She crawls in the tunnel — wondering where it will lead (mystery) — as Manager chases her.

67. CLIMAX. LAIR
Monster reveal: Discovers tunnel leads to the monster’s lair in furnace room. That’s why it was guarding the entrance the whole time.
It’s hot. Discovers old resident’s bodies that manager was cremating. He says he could have cremated her father for free if Mrs. Larsen hadn’t found him first.
Fight. She knocks out Manager thanks to hot yoga move.
She crawls out of lair.

68. LOCKER
She uses beast against manager. He gets eaten.

69. RESOLUTION. HALLWAY
Washes at the leaky pipe. Puts on a new dress.
She gives bunny to beast. Grabs brooch from beast.
Forgives her dad.
Heads towards EXIT sign with her suitcase and Charlie the dog under her arms. Hear puppies whine. Looks back. She can’t leave them.

70.PARK
Joanna caries her suitcase near pond. Frees beast and pups hidden inside. They run into the wild.

71. LAKEHOUSE
She drives to lake house from her childhood photos. Leave a voicemail to Mike and answers his question truthfully about why she was chasing rabbit. (Story of her mom’s rabbits.)

72. ROAD
Phone rings. Reaching for her phone ringing, she finds a puppy on the back seat. Calls Mike, says she’s coming home with a surprise.

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Horror Outline Version 1
What I learned doing this assignment is outlining is an important step in creating a screenplay.
1. OPENING. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, STORAGE LOCKERS – NIGHT
JOHN (60) stores a box in his locker. Hearing a whimper, he breaks into a locker to rescue a trapped "animal” and is attacked by a vicious creature.

2. INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
John stumbles in, clutching his heart. Scribbles a few words on a newspaper and dies of a heart attack.

3. INT. JOANNA'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – DAY
Joanna pulls out stolen sports outfits from her purse and removes their anti-theft devices.

4. EXT. PARK – DAY
Jogging, she throws the tags then chases a white rabbit. When it gets hit by a car, she's devastated. A passerby, MIKE (23), stops to ask if she's okay. His dog grabs the dead rabbit.

5. INT. JOANNA'S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE – DAY
Mike escorts Joanna home. She appears in shock. When he asks for her contact info to check on her later, she gives it to him, then kisses him.

6. BEDROOM
They make love.
NEXT DAY.
She steals money from his wallet while he sleeps. He's a cop! She hides clothes with store tags still on.

7. LIVING ROOM
She practices yoga, distracted. In Downward Dog, her arm is shaky. Moving to Child's Pose, she massages her old shoulder injury. Hears noise. But it's not Mike. The spooky noise coming from —

8. KITCHEN
Mike's dog throws up — blood, bones, and fur – at her feet then lies motionless.

9. EXT. VETERINARIAN OFFICE, PARKING LOT – DAY
Mike and Joanna leave the of fice. Mike holds a leash. No dog. She tries to console him. He moves away. Says he knows she stole money from him and leaves her in the parking lot.

10. INT. JOANNA'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN – DAY
Joanna cleans the blood on the floor. Grimaces.

11. INCITING INCIDENT. INT. BATHROOM – DAY
She throws up. Gets a phone call from Memento Mori.

12. EXT. MEMENTO MORI FUNERAL HOME – DAY
She picks up her father's urn and personal belongings at a cheap "drive-thru" funeral. Finds his address and keys.

13. EXT. JOHN'S APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
A sign “NO PETS ALLOWED”.

14. INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
She opens a window to air out. Finds a picture of father and his dog. Calls for Charlie, but finds no trace of the dog.
Accidentally texts Mike. Says she's here to rescue her father's dog. He perks up a little at the mention of a dog.
He asks why she was chasing the rabbit. Their conversation is interrupted by strange noises. She chases a raccoon out of the apartment. Closes the window.

15. INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM- DAY
She wants to sleep in, but is awaken by bird singing from next door apartment, then footsteps in the living room. There's someone in the apartment!

16. INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROM – DAY
She catches the BUILDING MANAGER (late 50s, leather vest) going through her father's stuff. He didn't know John had family. Her father never mentioned her.
He gives her five days to empty the place or he'll charge her a month's rent. He gives her business card of a junk removal company.

17. INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY – DAY
She meets her father's neighbour MRS. LARSEN (70, bandaged hand) and asks about his dog. She replies pets are not allowed in the building, and shuts the door.

18. INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She looks for money, valuables. Clean circles in the dust indicates apartment has been cleaned up (probably by Manager). Upset, she calls junk removal company. Drinks to her father's death certificate.

19. INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM – DAY
Hungover, she wakes up to find manager showing apartment to OLD MAN (a potential renter). Her body is exposed. Manager winks at her.

20. INT. JOHN'S KITCHEN – DAY
Manager escorts OLD MAN out then asks for her father's armchair.

21. INT. BUILDING MANAGER'S APARTMENT – DAY
They push armchair to his place. She's doing all the work.

22. INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She finds scribbled message STOR where armchair was. Doesn't know what it means.
She creates a KEEP pile. Pushes the urn OUT of it. Junk removal company arrives.

23. EXT. PARK – DAY
She waits in the park.

24. INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
When she returns, urn still there. They don't take human remains. And they can't give her money because the stuff is worth nothing.
25. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, LOBBY – DAY
She sees Junk Removal Guy give money to manager. She waits for mailman. Finds three pension cheques with different names sent to her father's address. Manager grabs them.

26. INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Joanna asks for her father's money, but Bank needs death certificate. It's gone! She phones Removal company but they remind her she signed a contract.

27.INT. JOHN'S BATHROOM – DAY
She throws up.

28.INT. PHARMACY – DAY
Exits with shopping bag.

29. INT. JOHN'S HALLWAY – DAY
Mrs. Larsen sees pregnancy test through plastic bag.

30. INT. MRS. LARSEN'S APARTMENT – DAY
Mrs. Larsen serves tea. Introduces her beloved stuffed parrot and its audio recording. She confirms father's dog is dead – they had him stuffed. Didn’t she find him?
She confirms names of previous residents from her father's place – same name she saw on envelops. She warns Joanna to get out as soon as she can.

31. INT. JOHN'S BATHROOM – DAY
Pregnancy test is positive.

32. INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
Calls Mike, but doesn't tell him about pregnancy. He asks again why she was chasing white rabbit. She doesn't answer. He hangs up.
She packs her suitcase. Manager inspects apartment. Wants her to clean the floor. She cleans floor with old t-shirt as OLD MAN watches, waiting to move in.

33. TURNING POINT 1. INT. BUILDING MANAGER'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Manager won't take keys back. He demands she empties her father's storage locker before midnight or he'll charge her a month's rent. She remembers her father's scribbling STOR.

34.INT. STORAGE AREA – DAY
Going through boxes, she finds a few keepsakes, including a stitched Bunny (full of lavender buds) and a letter from father asking her to feed Charlie. She yells that his dog is dead.
She empties locker. Piles up boxes outside the door.
Eyeing some valuables, she breaks in lockers and steals items.
Wearing a rabbit fur coat from Mrs. Larsen's locker, her arms full, she tries to leave, but the pile of boxes (and stolen goods) collapses, blocking the door. She's trapped inside! No phone.
She looks for another exit – finds none.

35. ENTRANCE
She paints a message – HELP – and slips it under the door. (Doesn't notice the claw marks on the concrete floor)
A banging noise is revealed to be an old unstable air conditioning unit, dangling from a metal arm.
In another hallway, water PLOPS from a leaky pipe into a bucket underneath.
She hears snoring coming from a locker, but the loud AC comes on, drowning the sound.
Since JOHN'S LOCKER is now empty she takes refuge in —

36. MRS. LARSEN'S LOCKER
Joanna browses through Mrs. Larsen's photo albums and discovers she had a husband and child but they died. She tucks in a doll.
Scare: Suddenly, all lights go off, except for some emergency lights. Nobody will be coming tonight.
MINUTES LATER
Joanna gets ready to spend the night. Xmas lights plugged in. Annoyed by plopping sound.

37. HALLWAY
She puts fabric at the bottom of the bucket.
CREAK. She finds a locker with door ajar, swinging. She closes it. Finds a tennis ball and takes it. Squeezing it. It helps her sore shoulder.
38. MRS. LARSEN'S LOCKER
Scares: Sleeping, her hand sticks out in hallway, under the door, between planks, holding the tennis ball. Something zeroes in on it.
Release: She removes her hand at last second, stirring in her sleep.
Scares: Baby spiders climbs on her.
Realease: She slaps them. Sits on boxes to sleep.
Scares: Nightmare – a creature grabs her hair.
Release: Wakes up to find her hair was just stuck on a long nail.
Awake. The plop noise is louder.

39. HALLWAY
As she approaches bucket, it falls. Water spills. An animals scampers off. She's not alone!

40. EXIT
Runs to exit. Cardboard on floor was pushed back, smudged, now reads HELL.

41. HALLWAY
As she runs towards Mrs. Larsen's locker the door burst open. A hairy creature comes out, pulling out the sleeping bag. The string of Xmas lights unplug before she can see more.
When the coast is clear, she grabs Bunny in hallway and runs to

42. NEW PLAN. LOCKER
She shelters in place. Creates a barricade.
Beast breaches barricade. Thinking it's gone, Joanna checks and comes face to face with it. Beast smells Joanna and attacks, ramming the door, about to break in. Joanna crawls over the wall to

43. ANOTHER LOCKER
Beast finds her smell. She throws her clothes in hallway. Beast shreds them and moves away.
She puts on old clothes – vintage shorts and top – found in locker.
Looking for objects to defend herself. Doll points to tool box in locker across hallway.

44. HALLWAY
She crosses over the hallway using a short ladder as a bridge.

45. CONSTRUCTION LOCKER
The only tool she finds is a mini exacto knife with one inch blade. She uses it to unscrew bicycle mirror and look in hallway. Beast is not there.

46.HALLWAY
Crossing back. The ladder falls in hallway. Beast chases.
She throws Bunny. Beast eats it. Gets sleepy. She saves bunny. (Beast weakness: lavender is like catnip to the beast.)

47. PLAN IN ACTION. LOCKER
Sows bunny. Overfeeds it. Gets an idea.
Fills balloon with rat poison. Throws it to the beast. It catches it, but beast sneezes poison in her face!

48.HALLWAY
They both run to the water hole from opposite direction. Temporary truce as beast drinks and Joanna washes her eyes.
They're face to face now. After a MIGHTY ROAR, the beast throws up the balloon and Joanna runs.
Big chase. She returns to

49.LOCKER
Doll is covered in poison. She peels off one layer of clothes (from pink to blue). Her stomach growls. She realizes monster is also hungry.

50.HALLWAY
Horror situation: using baby mice as bait.

Suspense: she places the picnic baskets in the hallway. The baby mice are inside. She waits for the beast to appear and eat the mice.
Dread: Monster comes closer. Momma mouse looks at Joanna. She decides to save the mice. Flees in a locker.
Surprise: But monster breaks in, eats the mice anyway (and momma mouse). Chase.
Monster reveal: Monster is hungry and wants to eat her.

51. HALLWAY
She kisses and throws bunny like a grenade to slow down the beast. Loses Bunny.

52. LOCKER
Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast

Surprise: she finds her father’s phone in the locker (where he was attacked). Her birthday unlocks it.
Dread: She needs to go to another locker. Walks in hallway. The beast could be anywhere.
Fear: monster arrives.
Panics: monster chases. She flees.
Suspense: Will monster catch her?
Dread: Monster is close. Almost reach her.
Hysteria: she uses the phone flash to blind the beast.
Surprise: she looks at monster pic.
Monster reveal: a glimpse of its physical appearance. It’s terrifying.
Scare: a noise!
Release: it was just a box falling.

53. MIDPOINT. LOCKER
Finds pictures of her mom on her dad's phone. It gives her energy to fight. Prep montage. She puts on hockey equipment and straps doll to her chest for protection. She's now ready to fight.

54. RETHINK EVERYTHING. HALLWAY
The doll strapped to herself like Rambo-with-a-baby, she attacks! They become ally in the fight, fist bumping and high fiving.
The attack fails. She gets injured.

55. FAILURE. LOCKER
HORROR SITUATION: losing the doll.
HYSTERIA: As beast rams against door, Joanna removes a giant splinter. She bleeds heavily. She sows her wound with threads and needle.
APPREHENSION: She cleans doll, removes the last layer of slimy clothes. Discovers it's a girl. Not knowing if she and her baby will live, she names the doll (and her baby) Violet. Hugging doll, she finds a battery holder. Struggles to insert battery.
Surprise: And just when she's about to press when – monster breaks in and steals doll!

ANGUISH: The sound of the doll crying Mamma! Awakes her maternal instinct.
HORROR: Beast taunts her with doll. She can't help but want to save it.
She removes all protection. Time to get dirty!

56. VARIOUS LOCKERS
NEW PLAN. Prep montage – She breaks things. Creates traps and weapons.

57. MRS. LARSEN'S LOCKER
Stakeout – she waits under rabbit fur coat. Alerted of the beast movement by hooting owl, laughing Santa clause and cackling witch strategically placed. It's time. She steps out for the big showdown.

58. HALLWAY
She faces beast with a Super Soaker filled with urine. Sprays her urine everywhere. Beast goes mad.
Saves doll by throwing it in another locker where it will be safe, out of reach. (She's done her job as a mother, by protecting the doll.)
Horror situation: She tries to scare beast by making herself look larger – making butterfly wings with sleeping bag over her head.
Apprehension: Her arm gets tired. (Damn shoulder!)
Horror: Beast inflates and becomes taller than her, looming over her.
Dread: Joanna bows, at the mercy of the beast
Surprise: she pulls the handle of inflatable raft. Rafts inflates, scaring beast
Horror: raft hits a nail. It deflates.
Monster reveals: monster gets even larger and looms over her
Chases. Beast pushes against raft. Rafts crashes on wall.

59. LOCKER
She falls in a trap. Gets injured. Beast drags her to a tunnel towards a certain death. Suddenly –

60. HALLWAY
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen (who cleared the blocked door) arrives to check on Joanna.
Surprise: Mrs. Larsen is in storage!
Panic: Beast attacks Mrs Larsen. She uses the diversion to reach the door.
Horror: Beast eats Mrs Larsen.
Suspense: Will she leave or stay to help Mrs Larsen? She decides to stay.
Panic: They flee in a locker, but Mrs. Larsen can't make it over the wall.
Hysteria: Larsen dies.

61. HALLWAY
Horror situation: Joanna stays to confront the beast.
Apprehension: Joanna finally reaches door, but beast roars to get her attention.
Suspense: She sees it has her mother's brooch on fur. Wil she stay or go? She closes door. This time it's personal.
Horror: She runs in a loop. Beast chases. Its heads get caught in a rope attached to all the locks — all locker doors open as beast pushes forward.
Dread: Fortunately, it's held back, only inches from Joanna's face.
Monster reveal: the monster in all its glory.
Dread: Beast backs away and door CLACKS in reverse.
Suspense: All doors are now open, obscuring view of hallway.
Dread: Suddenly – CLACK CLACK CLACK – all doors slams back again as monster lunge forward. She runs as the rope breaks and monster chases her.
Except now all lockers are open, so she can use the big objects from inside lockers. Weedwhackers, etc.
Beast gets entangled in Xmas lights. Exhilarating battle. But then things go sideways —

62. LOCKER
She takes refuge in a locker. Larsen grabs her ankle (not dead).
Larsen reveals how she found beast in park and brought it here as her secret pet. But it became aggressive. When it bit her, she stopped feeding it, thinking it would die, but it attacked Joanna's father (who was her lover). Following his death, she's been plagued with guilt. She dies from her wound.
Joanna removes all protective equipment.

63. EXECUTE NEW PLAN. HALLWAY
Horror situation: fighting the beast.
Surprise: She pulls on AC but it doesn't fall.
Scare: Beast gets closer. AC finally falls.
Release: Beast lies dead. It's over.
Apprehension: she walks carefully around the dead body.
Scare: Beast not dead! It grabs her ankle.
Panic: She does yoga pose to grab object and strike the beast.
Monster reveal: Fights mano-a-mano and discovers beast has tits! The Beast is female!
Surprise: She punches beast in the tits and gets covered in bloody mucus.
Anxiety: Beast grunts in pain, walks away, steps on the cardboard sign.
Apprehension:Joanna crawls to exit, sees sign that now says HELL O. Frowns. Beast moans.

64. TURNING POINT 2. Beast drags itself aimlessly in hallway, followed by a trail of blood. Joanna opens door of a locker. Beast crawls in.
Beast gives birth to pups.
Joanna realizes all this was her fault. By closing door of the locker earlier, she had accidentally locked beast out of its lair and left it to roam in hallway. Beast was just protecting entrance of its lair. Its territory.
She gathers objects, opens a box she didn't notice before (the one from the beginning) and finds her father's stuffed dog Charlie and a note "Don't forget to feed Charlie". She sees $100 bill sticking out of mouth. The stomach is full of it. He used dog as piggy bank! It’s her inheritance. Picks it up and faints before she can reach door.
Wakes up when Manager comes in. She tries to leave without being seen (if he finds out she was stealing stuff she'll go to prison). Ripped cardboard sign says HE.
Meanwhile he sees the mess she did, finds Mrs. Larsen's body, the beast and puppies. He calls her name. Knows it's her. She tries to avoid him and reach the exit.
He catches her.
She smashes the stuffed dog on his head. It explodes with cash – her inheritance. Manager says he'll let her go, if she leaves the money, but when she walks by, he grabs her. She knows he steals cheques from dead residents so he wants to kill her.
Big chase.

65 .LOCKER
Enters locker (the one with door swinging ajar that she had closed earlier) and discovers a tunnel.

66. TUNNEL
She crawls in the tunnel — wondering where it will lead (mystery) — as Manager chases her.

67. CLIMAX. LAIR
Monster reveal: Discovers tunnel leads to the monster’s lair in furnace room. That’s why it was guarding the entrance the whole time.
It's hot. Discovers old resident's bodies that manager was cremating. He says he could have cremated her father for free if Mrs. Larsen hadn't found him first.
Fight. She knocks out Manager thanks to hot yoga move.
She crawls out of lair.

68. LOCKER
She uses beast against manager. He gets eaten.

69. RESOLUTION. HALLWAY
Washes at the leaky pipe. Puts on a new dress.
She gives bunny to beast. Grabs brooch from beast.
Forgives her dad.
Heads towards EXIT sign with her suitcase and Charlie the dog under her arms. Hear puppies whine. Looks back. She can't leave them.

70.PARK
Joanna caries her suitcase near pond. Frees beast and pups hidden inside. They run into the wild.

71. LAKEHOUSE
She drives to lake house (we recognize it from childhood photos). Leaves a voice mail to Mike and answers his question truthfully about why she was chasing rabbit. (Story of her mom's rabbits.)

72. ROAD
Phone rings. Reaching for her phone ringing, she finds a puppy on the back seat. Calls Mike, says she's coming home with a surprise.

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Scary-As-Hell Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is starting with horror emotions is a good technique.

Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast
Reaction: and ends up taking weird selfies with beast

Surprise: she finds her father’s phone in the locker (where he was attacked). Her birthday unlocks it.
Dread: She needs to go to another locker, walks in hallway. The beast could be anywhere.
Fear: monster arrives.
Panics: monster chases. She flees.
Suspense: will monster catch her.
Dread: Monster is close. Almost reach her.
Hysteria: she uses the phone flash to blind the beast.
Surprise: she looks at monster pic.
Monster reveal: a glimpse of its physical appearance. It’,s terrifying.
Scare: a noise!
Release: it was just a box falling.

 
INT. LOCKER
She enters locker 1313 (the one where her father was attacked). Closes the door. Searches frantically. Her hand meets something. A phone. She turns it on. A picture of her father and his dog. It’s her father’s phone!
She tries a four digit passwords twice. Fails
Pausess. Inserts another password.

JOANNA
My birthday?

It works. She sniffles.
Then, an old pic of her mother. She holds the phone to her chest. Takes a deep breath.
She looks at the other locker she needs to reach.
Opens door.

HALLWAY
Walks in hallway carefully. Looking around. Listening intently. The beast could be anywhere.
And it’s right there a the end of the hallway!
It chases her. She runs.
It’s very close. Almost reach her.
She uses the phone flash to blind the beast.
It buys her some time. She enters

LOCKER
She looks at pic. Catches a glimpse of the monster. Terrifying. Red eyes. Big teeth.
Hears a noise. Screams!
It was just a box falling.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy moments!
What I learned doing this assignment is that to be effective in building up the tension, it’s good to use all three techniques ) scares, release, creepy moments).

Pick a scene from anyplace in your script that could use these three horror moments.
Scares – Grabbed by monster: the monster pulls her hair up
Release: her hair was just caught in a nail
Creepy moment: she sees the monster for the first time.

Joanna sits on a box, disheveled, sleeping bag around her shoulders. She slaps an invisible spider. Then her body relaxes. She falls asleep.
A FURRY PAW WITH LONG CLAWS comes through a gap in the planks… GRABS Joanna's hair… and PULLS UP.
Joanna SCREAMS. Kicks her legs. Her hand moves to her head where she discovers –her hair caught in a LONG NAIL.
She pulls her hair. A few strands stuck to the nail. She tries to sleep.
The PLOPping sound is now louder. She ignores it.
PUDDLE
With a layer of water at the bottom of the bucket, the PLOPping noise gets louder.
HALLWAY
The bucket. Something moves towards it.
LOCKER
Joanna sighs. Pushes away the sleeping bag. She gets up, groggy. The sleeping bag slips off her shoulder, keeping the door from closing as she leaves the locker.
HALLWAY
She yawns.
CORNER
As she walks towards the bucket —
PLOP PLOP. LAP LAP.
The lapping sound of an animal drinking. She frowns.
As she turns the corner. The bucket falls. Water spills towards her feet. An animal scampers in the dark.
On the concrete floor, WET PAW PRINTS.
Joanna runs to the
EXIT
The cardboard sign is on the floor. Did someone answer back? She picks it up. Turns pale. The message reads: H E L L The letter "P" smudged into an L.
She tries the door–

JOANNA
Please please please please please.

Still locked. She runs back to her locker. The door is kept open by the sleeping bag. She hears something rummaging inside a locker. Then, the DOOR BURST OPEN.
A dark furry SHAPE comes out, dragging the sleeping bag out. Boxes fall, spilling the contents in the hallway, including the BUNNY.
Joanna tries to catch a glimpse, but at the same moment the xmas lights unplug and she can't see the creature.
The hallway is clear. She grabs the bunny in the hallway. Gets in her locker. Closes the door. Hugs her bunny, as she listens… The noises continue in the storage. Objects falling, being tossed around. She squeezes the bunny.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene

What I learned doing this assignment is the climax of my story is where hysteria is at its highest.

PANIC: She saves Mrs Larsen, but Mrs Larsen can’t climb over the wall and the monster gets her.
HORROR: The sound of Mrs. Larsen being eaten is disturbing. She puts on noise cancelling headphones.
HYSTERIA: she removes the giant splinter – a piece of wood – embedded in her tie. Sows her wound with thread and needle – the results looks like the handstitched bunny. She laughs.
ANGUISH: the monster breaks in and grabs the doll. The sound of the doll crying Mamma! Awakes her maternal instinct. She’ll do anything to get the doll back.
 

INT. LOCKER
JOANNA
Quick! Take my hand.
MRS LARSEN
I can’t.
Beast is now inside. It grabs Mrs Larsen’s foot. Joanna pulls. Mrs Larsen’s hand slips away.
Joanna falls in the other locker. Beast attacks Mrs Larsen.
Joanna hoist herself up to
SEAMSTRESS LOCKER
She removes a giant piece of wood from her thigh.
Blood spills out.
She grabs needles and threads.
She threads the needle. Her hand shaking.
She squeezes the sides of the wounds – two flaps of skin — together. A painful scream.
The needle pierces the flesh. She sows her flesh together. In X patterns. with quick short Lamaze breaths.
She finishes stitching. The thread is purple. The stitch similar to her bunny. Her laughs turns into a sob.
She dresses the wound with her shirt. Ties it. Winces. Blood seeps thru the fabric. Lays her head against the wall. Shivers. Pulls the fur coat over her.
Joanna closes her eyes. Weak. Sleepy. This might be it.
The sound of beast eating Mrs. Larsen is disturbing. She puts on noise cancelling headphones.
She holds doll against her chest. The clothes are slimy. She removes the doll’s dress – the last layer of clothes. The doll is bare chested. Wearing only a diaper.
Joanna wets her thumb and tries to clean off the “bruises” on the doll's body. They won't go away.
Doll has a hole on her shoulder — it was bitten. A scar just like hers.
She holds doll in her arm motherly. She sniffs. Looking serene. Defeated.
Beast is coming. This might be it. Rests her hand on her belly.
She checks inside the doll’s diaper.
JOANNA
It's a girl.
She sobs. Half crying, half laughing. She wipes her tears.
JOANNA
Your name is Violet.
Sobbing, she hugs the doll. Her fingers feel something on the back of the doll. A latch. She pulls the latch, revealing-
A BATTERY HOLDER.
Empty. Joanna looks for batteries. Inserts three batteries. Drops the fourth battery. It rolls away. She finds it. Inserts the last battery.
Her hands shaking. It’s the moment of truth. The doll – her surrogate baby – is about to speak her first words.
She might never hear her baby talk but she can hear this baby talk.
Her thumb hovers on the belly button, ready to press when –
BAM!
Beast breaks in. Takes the doll.
JOANNA
NO!!
Beast disappears with the doll.
She looks in the hallway. Silence. Then, somewhere in storage–
DOLL (V.O.)
Mamma!
The sound comes from the left.
DOLL
Mamma!
Now from the right. The beast is playing with her.
JOANNA
You bastard!
The sound of doll crying Mamma! awaken her maternal instincts. Her boobs even hurt a little. She massages her breasts.
JOANNA
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
BANG!
Beast rams the DOLL against the door, holds it there. The tiny hand extends between planks towards Joanna.
Joanna goes to grab it, but the beast pulls the doll away. The tiny hand slips out of Joanna's grasp.
JOANNA
NO!

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Level 2 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is I love outlining. But when I go to script, I feel uncertain about my voice and my writing, but it’s a first draft so I shouldn’t worry about the writing at this stage.

Fear: the monster is hungry and chasing her. It will eat her if she doesn’t feed it something!
Suspense: she places the picnic basket in the hallway. The baby mice are inside, acting as bait. She waits for the beast to appear and eat the mice.
Dread: Monster comes closer. Momma mouse looks at Joanna. She decides to save the mice. Flees in a locker. But monster breaks in, eats the mice anyway (and momma mouse), then goes after Joanna.
 
HALLWAY
with her red hoodie, her picnic basket, the christmas tree in the background, she looks like red riding hood in the forest.
She sets picnic basket in the middle of the hallway. Opens it. Turns her back to it and leaves.
Inside the basket — BABY MICE. Pink. Blind. Helpless. Perfect bait.
She returns to
LOCKER
She aims her weapon at the hallway over the basket. And waits.
Momma Mouse slips under the door. Stares at Joanna.
JOANNA
Shoo. Shoo.
The mouse doesn't budge.
Joanna wipes sweat off her forehead.
The mouse looks at her.
Joanna tries to focus on the hallway, but she’s distracted.
She looks at the basket, then the mouse.
She blows a strand of hair from her face.
The shadow of the beast is visible at the corner.
She grabs the weapon tighter.
The mouse SQUEAKS.
Sweat DRIPS down her temple.
The basket sits in the hallway with helpless baby mice in it.
Joanna bites her lips. She can’t do this.
JOANNA
Fuck!
She dives. Grabs the basket as the shadow of the beast appears on the wall. She runs back to
LOCKER.
Sets down the basket near Momma Mouse.
JOANNA
I’m sorry.
The mouse SQUEAKS.
JOANNA
Don't worry.
They're safe.
She opens the basket to show the mouse.
Suddennly a TONGUE lashes between the planks. Momma Mouse gets eaten.
Joanna SCREAMS. The beast lunges. Rams the door.
She climbs up the wall.
Beast bursts in. Shoves its face in the picnic basket. Eats the baby mice. Then goes after Joanna.  

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Level 1 Horror Emotion
What I learned doing this assignment is it’s fun for the audience when horror emotions change within a scene. The shift is clear in the outline, but when turning to script I tend to overwrite and horror emotions lose their power. Gotta work on that.

THE OUTLINE OF HORROR EMOTIONS
Apprehension / Anxiety: She practices yoga. She hears creepy guttural sound coming from the kitchen.
Surprise: She discovers Dojo the dog suffering from spasms. He pukes blood, bones and fur at her feet.
Shock: He falls motionless. Dead.

THE SCENE
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY Joanna unrolls her yoga mat. Places her phone on top. Hands on the mat, she pushes her hips to the ceiling. Holding a Downward Dog, she swipes photos of men on Tinder. Swipe. Swipe. Accepting everyone. Her arm begins to shake.
A SHUFFLING SOUND.
She turns off the phone, puts her forehead on the mat, in Child's Pose. She looks up towards the bedroom, biting her lips. Nothing.
Then, A DEEP, GUT WRENCHING SOUNDS coming from the
KITCHEN
She tiptoes in.
A DARK SHAPE crawls around the counter. Out of sight. WAILING.
The hair on her arm stands up. She swallows.
She turns the corner to find Mike's dog, Dojo, tortured by spasms.
JOANNA
Hey. You okay?
She pats the dog’s head.
JOANNA
What’s going on?
A deep, guttural sound. A spasm. Then —
The dog throws up BLOOD, BONES, AND FUR on her bare feet. His body drops, motionless.  

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Horror Outline Version 1

What I learned is it’s hard to keep an outline under 10 pages when you include the headings. In my story, there’s a lot of short scenes and “locations within a location” (living room, bedroom, bathroom, hallway, lockers)

OPENING. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, STORAGE LOCKERS – NIGHT
JOHN (60) stores a box in his locker. He breaks into a locker to rescue a trapped "animal" and is attacked by a vicious creature.
INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
John stumbles in, clutching his heart. Scribbles a few words on a newspaper and dies (heart attack).
INT. JOANNA'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM €“ DAY
Joanna pulls out stolen sports outfits from her purse and removes their anti-theft devices. She takes a selfie with her new top.
EXT. PARK – DAY
Jogging, she throws the tags then runs after a white rabbit like her life depends on it. When it gets hit by a car, she's devastated. A passerby, MIKE (23), stops to ask if she's okay. His dog grabs the dead rabbit.
INT. JOANNA'S APARTMENT, ENTRANCE – DAY
Mike escorts Joanna home. She appears in shock. When he asks for her contact info to check on her later, she makes their phone kiss, then kisses him.
BEDROOM
They make love.
NEXT DAY.
She steals money from his wallet while he sleeps. He's a cop! She hides clothes with store tags still on.
LIVING ROOM
Practices yoga, distracted. In Downward Dog, her arm is shaky. Moving to Child's Pose, she massages her old shoulder injury. Hears noise. But it's not Mike. The spooky noise coming from —
KITCHEN
Mike's dog throws up — blood, bones, and fur — then lies motionless.
EXT. VETERINARIAN OFFICE, PARKING LOT – DAY
Mike and Joanna leave the office. Mike holds a leash. No dog. She tries to console him. He rejects her. Knows she stole money from him and leaves her in the parking lot.
INT. JOANNA'S APARTMENT, KITCHEN – DAY
Joanna cleans the blood on the floor. Grimaces —
INCITING INCIDENT. INT. BATHROOM – DAY
She throws up. Gets a phone call from Memento Mori.
EXT. MEMENTO MORI FUNERAL HOME €“ NIGHT
She picks up her father's urn and personal belongings at a cheap "drive-thru" funeral home. Finds his address and keys.
EXT. JOHN'S APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
A sign NO PETS ALLOWED.
INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
She opens a window to air out the place. Finds a picture of father and his dog. Calls for Charlie, but finds no trace of the dog.
Accidentally texts Mike. Says she's here to rescue her father's dog. He perks up a little at the mention of a dog.
He asks why she was chasing the rabbit. Conversation interrupted by strange noises. She chases a raccoon out of the apartment. Closes the window.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM- DAY
She wants to sleep in, but is awaken by bird singing from next door apartment, then footsteps in the living room. There's someone in the apartment!
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROM – DAY
She catches the BUILDING MANAGER (late 50s, leather vest) going through her father's stuff. He didn't know John had family. Her father never mentioned her.
He gives her five days to empty the place or he'll charge her a month's rent. She pleads. He gives her business card of a junk removal company.
INT. JOHN'S APARTMENT BUILDING, HALLWAY – DAY
Back with takeout, she meets her father's neighbour MRS. LARSEN (70, bandaged hand) and asks about his dog. She says pets are not allowed in the building, and shuts the door.
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She looks for money, valuables. Clean circles in the dust indicates apartment has been cleaned up (probably by Manager). Upset, she calls junk removal company. Drinks to he father's death certificate.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM €“ DAY
Hungover, she wakes up to find manager showing apartment to OLD MAN (a potential renter). Her body is exposed. Manager winks at her.
INT. JOHN'S KITCHEN €“ DAY
Manager escorts OLD MAN out then asks for her father's armchair.
INT. BUILDING MANAGER'S APARTMENT €“ DAY
They push armchair to his place. She's doing all the work.
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM – DAY
She finds scribbled message – STOR – where armchair was. Doesn't know what it means.
She creates a KEEP pile. Pushes the urn out of it. Junk removal company arrives.
EXT. PARK – DAY
She waits in the park.
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM €“ DAY
When she returns, urn still there. They don't take human remains. And they can't give her money because the stuff is worth nothing.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING, LOBBY €“ DAY
She sees Junk Removal Guy give money to manager. She waits for mailman. Finds three pension cheques with different names sent to her father's address. Manager grabs them.
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM €“ DAY
Joanna asks for her father's money, but Bank needs death certificate. It's gone! She phones Removal company but they remind her she signed a contract.
INT. JOHN'S BATHROOM €“ DAY
She throws up.
INT. PHARMACY €“ DAY
Exits with shopping bag.
INT. JOHN'S HALLWAY €“ DAY
Mrs. Larsen sees pregnancy test through plastic bag.
INT. MRS. LARSEN'S APARTMENT – DAY
Mrs. Larsen serves tea. Introduces her dead stuffed parrot and its audio recording. She confirms father's dog is dead – they had him stuffed.
She confirms names of previous residents from her father's place – same name she saw on envelops. They didn't stay long before disappearing. She warns Joanna to get out as soon as she can.
INT. JOHN'S BATHROOM €“ DAY
Pregnancy test is positive.
INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM €“ DAY
Calls Mike, but doesn't tell him about pregnancy. He asks again why she was chasing white rabbit. She doesn't answer. He hangs up.
She packs her suitcase. Manager inspects apartment. Wants her to clean the floor. She cleans floor with old t-shirt as OLD MAN watches, waiting to move in.
TURNING POINT 1. INT. BUILDING MANAGER'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Manager won't take keys back and demands she empties her father's STORAGE locker before midnight or he'll charge her a month's rent. She remembers her father's scribbling STOR.
INT. JOHN'S HALLWAY – DAY
Drags her suitcase and bolt cutter to the elevator.
INT. STORAGE AREA- DAY
Going through boxes, she finds a few keepsakes, including a stitched Bunny (full of lavender buds) and a letter from father asking her to feed Charlie. She yells that his dog is dead.
She empties locker, piles up boxes outside the door.
LOCKERS
Eyeing some valuables, she breaks in lockers and steals items.
ENTRANCE
Wearing a rabbit fur coat from Mrs. Larsen's locker, her arms full, she tries to leave, but the pile of boxes (and stolen goods) collapses, blocking the door. She's trapped inside! No phone.
STORAGE
She looks for another exit – finds none.
She paints a message – HELP – and slips it under the door. (Doesn't notice the claw marks on the concrete floor)

A banging noise is revealed to be an old unstable air conditioning unit, dangling from a metal arm.
In another hallway, water PLOPS from a leaky pipe into a bucket underneath.
She hears snoring coming from a locker, but the loud AC comes on, drowning the sound.
Since JOHN'S LOCKER is now empty she takes refuge in —
MRS. LARSEN'S LOCKER
Joanna browses through Mrs. Larsen's photo albums and discovers she had a husband and child but they died. She tucks in a doll she found.
Suddenly, all lights go off, except for some emergency lights. Nobody is coming.
MINUTES LATER
Joanna gets ready to spend the night. Xmas lights plugged in. Annoyed by plopping sound.
HALLWAY
She puts fabric at the bottom of the bucket.
CREAK. She finds a locker with door ajar, swinging. She closes it. Finds a tennis ball and takes it
MRS. LARSEN'S LOCKER
Sleeping, her hand sticks out in hallway, under the door, between planks, holding the tennis ball. Something zeroes in on it. She removes her hand at last second, stirring in her sleep.
Baby spiders climbs on her. She slaps them. Sits on boxes to sleep.
Nightmare – a creature grabs her hair. Wakes up to find her hair was just stuck on a long nail.
Awake. The plop noise is louder.
HALLWAY
As she approaches bucket… the bucket falls…water spills… an animals scampers off. She's not alone!
EXIT
Runs to exit. Cardboard on floor was pushed back, smudged, now reads HELL.
HALLWAY
As she runs towards Mrs. Larsen's locker the door burst open. A hairy creature comes out, pulling out the sleeping bag. The string of Xmas lights unplug before she can see more.
When the coast is clear, she grabs Bunny in hallway and runs to —
NEW PLAN. LOCKER
She shelters in place. Creates a barricade.
Beast breaches barricade. Thinking it's gone, Joanna checks and comes face to face with it. Beast smells Joanna and attacks, ramming the door, about to break in. Joanna crawls over the wall to
ANOTHER LOCKER
Beast finds her smell. She throws her clothes in hallway. Beast shreds them and moves away.
She puts on old clothes – vintage shorts and top – found in locker.
Looking for objects to defend herself. Doll points to tool box in locker across hallway.
HALLWAY
She crosses over the hallway using a short ladder as a bridge.
CONSTRUCTION LOCKER
The only tool she finds is a mini exacto knife with one inch blade. She uses it to unscrew bicycle mirror and look in hallway. Beast is not there.
HALLWAY
Crossing back. The ladder falls in hallway. Beast chases.
She throws Bunny. Beast eats it. Gets sleepy. She saves bunny. (Beast weakness: lavender is like catnip to the beast.)
PLAN IN ACTION. LOCKER
Sows bunny. Overfeeds it. Gets an idea.
Fills balloon with rat poison. Throws it to the beast. It catches it, but beast sneezes poison in her face!
HALLWAY
They both run to the water hole from opposite direction. Temporary truce as beast drinks and Joanna washes her eyes.
They're face to face now. After a MIGHTY ROAR, the beast throws up the balloon and Joanna runs.
Big chase. She returns to
LOCKER
Doll is covered in poison. She peels off one layer of clothes (from pink to blue). Her stomach growls. She realizes monster is also hungry.
HALLWAY
Uses picnic basket with baby mice as bait but saves them as last minute, going inside
LOCKER
Except the beast breaks in and eats the baby mice anyway (and Mamma Mouse). Chase.
HALLWAY
She kisses and throws bunny like a grenade to slow down the beast. Loses Bunny.
LOCKER
Joanna ends up in locker where her father was attacked. Finds his cell phone. Her birthdate unlocks it.
HALLWAY
Running she uses flash of phone camera to blind the beast. Ends up taking weird selfies with the beast as she flees to –
MIDPOINT. LOCKER
Finds pictures of her mom on her dad's phone. It gives her energy to fight. Prep montage. She puts on hockey equipment and straps doll to her chest for protection. She's now ready to fight.
RETHINK EVERYTHING. HALLWAY
The doll strapped to herself like Rambo-with-a-baby, she attacks! They become ally in the fight, fist bumping and high fiving.
The attack fails. She gets injured.
FAILURE. LOCKER
As beast rams against door, Joanna removes a giant splinter. She bleeds heavily. She sows her wound with threads and needle.
She cleans doll, removes the last layer of slimy clothes. Discovers it's a girl. She names it (and her baby) Violet.
Hugging doll, she finds a battery holder. Struggles to insert battery. And just when she's about to press when – monster breaks in and steals doll!
Sound of doll crying Mamma awakens her maternal instinct.
Beast taunts her with doll. She can't help but want to save it.
She removes all protection. Time to get dirty!
VARIOUS LOCKERS
NEW PLAN. Prep montage – She breaks things. Creates traps and weapons.
MRS. LARSEN'S LOCKER
Stakeout – she waits under rabbit fur coat. Alerted of the beast movement by hooting owl, laughing Santa clause and cackling witch strategically placed. It's time. She steps out for the big showdown.
HALLWAY
She faces beast with a Super Soaker filled with urine. Sprays urine everywhere. Beast goes mad.
Saves doll by throwing it in another locker where it will be safe, out of reach. (She's done her job as a mother, by protecting the doll.)
She tries to scare beast by making herself look larger – making butterfly wings with sleeping bag over her head. She confronts beast-father: "Stop eating the rabbits! It's all we have left from mom!"
Except her arm gets tired. Beast inflates and becomes taller than her, looming over her.
Joanna bows in front of beast but only so she can pull the handle of inflatable raft. Rafts inflates, scaring beast, but then it hits a nail and deflates.
Chases. Beast pushes against raft. Rafts crashes on wall.
LOCKER
She falls in a trap. Gets injured. Beast drags her to a tunnel towards a certain death. Suddenly –
HALLWAY
Mrs. Larsen (who cleared the blocked door) arrives to check on Joanna. When beast attacks Mrs. Larsen, Joanna uses the diversion to reach the door and faces a dilemma: Leave or stay to help Mrs. Larsen? She decides to stay.
LOCKER
They flee in a locker, but Mrs. Larsen can't make it over the wall. Larsen dies.
HALLWAY
Joanna finally reaches door, but beast roars to get her attention. She sees it has her mother's brooch on fur. She closes door. This time it's personal.
She runs in a loop. Beast chases. Its heads get caught in a rope attached to all the locks — all locker doors open as beast pushes forward. It's held back, only inches from Joanna's face.
Beast backs away and door CLACKS in reverse. All doors are now open, obscuring view of hallway. Suddenly – CLACK CLACK CLACK – all doors slams back again as monster lunge forward. She runs as thee rope breaks and monster chases her.
Except now all lockers are open, so she can use the big objects from inside lockers. Weedwhackers, etc.
Beast gets entangled in Xmas lights. Exhilarating battle. But then things go sideways —
LOCKER
She takes refuge in a locker. Larsen grabs her ankle (not dead).
REVEALS how she found beast in park and brought it here as her secret pet. But it became aggressive. When it bit her, she stopped feeding it, thinking it would die, but it attacked Joanna's father (who was her lover). Following his death, she's been plagued with guilt. She dies from her wound.
Joanna removes all protective equipment.
HALLWAY
Chased by beast. She pulls on AC but it doesn't fall. Beast gets closer.
AC finally falls. Beast lies dead. It's over.
Except — beast not dead and grabs her ankle. She does yoga pose to grab object and strike the beast.
Execute new plan. Fights mano-a-mano and discovers beast has tits! The Beast is female! She punches beast in the tits and gets covered in bloody mucus.
Beast grunts in pain, walks away, steps on the cardboard sign.
Joanna crawls to exit, sees sign that now says HELL O. Frowns. Beast moans.
TURNING POINT 2. Beast drags itself aimlessly in hallway, followed by a trail of blood. Joanna opens door of a locker. Beast crawls in.
Beast gives birth to pups.
Joanna realizes all this was her fault. By closing door of the locker earlier, she had accidentally locked beast out of its lair and left it to roam in hallway. Beast was just protecting entrance of its lair. Its territory.
She gathers objects, opens a box she didn't notice before (the one from the beginning) and finds her father's stuffed dog Charlie and a note "Don't forget to feed Charlie". She sees $100 bill sticking out of mouth. The stomach is full of it. He used dog as piggy bank! That's her inheritance. Picks it up and faints before she can reach door.
Wakes up when Manager comes in. She tries to leave without being seen (if he finds out she was stealing stuff she'll go to prison). Cardboard sign says HE.
Meanwhile he sees the mess she did, finds Mrs. Larsen's body, the beast and puppies. He calls her name. Knows it's her. She tries to avoid him and reach the exit.
He catches her.
She smashes the stuffed dog on his head. It explodes with cash – her inheritance. Manager says he'll let her go, if she leaves the money, but when she walks by, he grabs her. She knows he steals cheques from dead residents so he wants to kill her.
Big chase.
LOCKER
Enters locker (the one with door swinging ajar that she had closed earlier) and discovers a tunnel.
TUNNEL
She crawls in the beast's tunnel — wondering where it will lead (mystery) — as Manager chases her.
CLIMAX. LAIR
Discovers tunnel leads to the furnace room.
It's hot. Discovers old resident's bodies that manager was cremating. He says he could have cremated her father for free if Mrs. Larsen hadn't found him first.
Fight. She knocks out Manager thanks to hot yoga move.
She crawls out of lair.
LOCKER
She uses beast against manager. He gets eaten.
RESOLUTION. HALLWAY
Washes at the leaky pipe. Puts on a new dress.
She gives bunny to beast. Grabs brooch from beast.
Forgives her dad.
Heads towards EXIT sign with her suitcase and Charlie the dog under her arms. Hear puppies whine. Looks back. She can't leave them.
PARK
Joanna caries suitcase near pond. Frees beast and pups hidden inside suitcase. They run into the wild.
LAKEHOUSE
She drives to lake house (we recognize it from childhood photos). Leaves a message to Mike and answers his question truthfully about why she was chasing rabbit). Story of her mom's rabbits.
ROAD
Phone rings. Reaching for her phone ringing, she finds a puppy on the back seat. Calls Mike, says she's coming home with a surprise.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s character journey track
What I learned doing this assignment is it’s important that every character – even secondary characters – have a character journey. It was fun to create a character journey for inanimate characters in my story (bunny, doll) that are the secondary characters. I also learned that it’s the monster (not Joanna) that must kill the Manager for the ending to be satisfying.

A. What is their Character Profile?
Joanna
1. Role: outsider
2. Traits (main characteristics): Thief. Shoplifter. Cares little about others and the hurt she causes.
3. Fears (Primal fears): Someone taking something from her.
4. Wants/Needs (main motivations): love, needs to learn to share and give and love
5. Likability / Rooting factors: she wants to be close to her new boyfriend, but is afraid she screwed it up when she stole money from him and his dog accidentally died in her kitchen so now he blames her.
6. How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): in denial
7. Relationship with other characters: keeps people at a distance. People are monsters!

Joanna
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
1. Character Intro: She’s a shoplifter who blew her chance at love by stealing from her one-night-stand. When she learns her father died, she will go empty his apartment.
2. Denial: she hides
3. Their reaction at first horror: to escape
4. Relation to group after first horror: needs comforting. She hugs her bunny really tight. Start overfeeding it.
5. How they fight back: she removes all protective equipment. Willing to risk everything, including her life, to save a doll she got attached to.
6. End Point: She helps the beast. Defeats the manager.Tells Mike the truth about the white rabbit and what it meant to her
7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? To get love, you need to learn to share, be willing to sacrifice, be self-less.

Mrs. Larsen
1. Role: The carrier who brought the horror in the building
2. Traits (main characteristics): senior.
3. Fears (Primal fears): being alone
4. Wants/Needs (main motivations): love, wants a companion
5. Likability / Rooting factors: she is a lonely old lady who had her parrots stuffed and plays its song recording.
6. How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): terrified, but thinks she deserve to die because of what she’s done
7. Relationship with other characters: maternal, protective, willing to sacrifice herself.

Mrs Larsen
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
1. Character Intro: Peeks out her door, asks who Joanna is, denies Joanna’s father had any pets
2. Denial:can’t believe the creature is still alive
3. Their reaction at first horror: she knows she’s not going to make it. Passive when facing death.
4. Relation to group after first horror:Asks Joanna to leave her behind. She dies (or so we think)
5. How they fight back: She’s not dead. She tells Joanna how she found the creature and brought it here.
6. End Point: She dies.
7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? The person responsible for the horror must pay and die for their sin.

Building Manager
1. Role: Monster Bait
2. Traits (main characteristics): greedy
3. Fears (Primal fears): someone taking something away from him, someone discovering his scheme of stealing from residents
4. Wants/Needs (main motivations): money, retire in the south, buy a condo building to manage in Florida
5. Likability / Rooting factors: clueless, fun to watch, bad dresser, sleezy
6. How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): will always try to use the bad situation to his advantage
7. Relationship with other characters: wants to control everyone. Kill them. Order them around. Make them do what he wants. He enjoys power. And seeing people powerless and depending on him.

Building manager
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
1. Character Intro: Joanna catches him stealing from her father apartment.
2. Denial: Furious. Can’t believe old folks brought an animal in the building. Pets are not allowed!
3. Their reaction at first horror:Not phased out by the creature. Just angry it’s there. Just hurting from its bite.
4. Relation to group after first horror: Angrier than ever that Joanna used monster against him. He goes after Joanna.
5. How they fight back: He kicks creature back into the locker, threatens the pups,
6. End Point: monster kills him.
7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? He was greedy, wanted to kill for money. He goes what he deserved.

Doll
1. Role: Leader
2. Traits (main characteristics): plastic, movable arms and legs and head, it has several layer sof clothes (both pink and blue) so we don’t know the sex until the end.
3. Fears (Primal fears): being forgotten, injured, dismembered
4. Wants/Needs (main motivations): love, affection, being cuddled and taken care of
5. Likability / Rooting factors: it acts as Joanna’s ally in storage, they high five each other.
6. How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): despondent. Shut down.
7. Relationship with other characters: acts as a moral support, buddy, helper, motivator

Doll
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
1. Character Intro: An abandoned doll inside Mrs. Larsen’s locker (probably belonged to her dead child)
2. Denial: turns its back
3. Their reaction at first horror: hide under blanket.
4. Relation to group after first horror: strapped to Joanna’s back for protection
5. How they fight back: high five Joanna after a fight
6. End Point: Joanna takes care of me, adopts me and takes me out of storage.
7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? We know Joanna grew a maternal instinct while taking care of the doll, so she’s now ready to take care of her baby.
Bunny
1. Role: Monster bait
2. Traits (main characteristics): handstitched, purple fabric
3. Fears (Primal fears): being dismembered
4. Wants/Needs (main motivations): love, affection, wants to calm people down
5. Likability / Rooting factors: calm, full of lavender, created by Joanna’s mother as a present before she died.
6. How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): willing to sacrifice, calm, stoic
7. Relationship with other characters: quiet moral support

Bunny
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
1. Character Intro: Found in a box of keepsakes inside father’s locker
2. Denial: Bunny is being squeezed by Joanna for comfort.
3. Their reaction at first horror: Bunny is being eaten by the beast.
4. Relation to group after first horror: Bunny is being sown back and filled with lavender again
5. How they fight back: Bunny is being thrown to monster like a grenade. Its contents (lavender) acts like catnip for the monster.
6. End Point: Bunny is destroyed, but it’s okay, it served its purpose, Joanna doesn’t need her childhood toy anymore.
7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Joanna learned to leave the past behind and move on.

Cop / boyfriend
1. Role: Moral One
2. Traits (main characteristics): wants to know the truth
3. Fears (Primal fears): Lose his dog or someone he loves.
4. Wants/Needs (main motivations): Love
5. Likability / Rooting factors: Cries after his dog dies, not afraid to speak the truth and show his true self
6. How they react under stress (numb out, denial, avoid it, blame others, dramatize, angry, give up, shut down, deflect, etc.): will attack and do anything to protect the ones he love.
7. Relationship with other characters: has a big heart, instantly finds something likeable about everybody
Cop/boyfriend
B. What is their Character Journey for this story?
1. Character Intro: Prevents her from running into traffic after the rabbit, he saves her life.
2. Denial: his dog died. The girl he likes won’t even talk to her truthfully or share something personal about herself.
3. Their reaction at first horror: Cries after his dog dies, humiliates Joanna by saying he knows she stole money from him.
4. Relation to group after first horror: —
5. How they fight back: —
6. End Point: happy Joanna finally shares with him the truth about why she was chasing rabbit
7. What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Showing emotional vulnerability will bring you closer to your loved ones.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s monster reveal track
What I learned doing this assignment is information about the monster but be sequenced properly so monster can be revealed bit by bit.
A.
• Powers: Strong. Inflates to make itself look bigger and scarier. Long teeth. Long claws. Relentless in its pursuit.
• Liimitations: Seems to be protecting / blocking the exit, so never stays far from that spot. If he goes far from that spot, it quickly returns.
• Weaknesses: Lavender if like catnip to the monster. It wants to eat it, cuddle with it. It slows him down.
• Plan/Purpose/Appetite: Protect its lair from intruders. Eat the intruders.

• Who or what the is the monster: An animal captured by the lonely Mrs Larsen at the pond and brought to storage locker to serve as a pet.

B. Sequence:
• The monster guards the exit
• The monster roams storage
• The monster rams against locker to get to her and eat her.
• The monster has a weakness for lavender (it acts like catnips)
• The monster inflates and towers over her

C
DEMAND: She needs to test the theory that monster is guarding the exit
MONSTER REVEAL: It’s guarding the exit.

DEMAND: Why does the monster roams storage
MONSTER REVEAL: It’s hungry and wants to eat her.

DEMAND: Can we distract and slow down the monster?
MONSTER REVEAL: When she throws an object, beast catches it. (beast ability)

DEMAND: Can we distract and slow down the monster?
MONSTER REVEAL: The monster has a weakness for lavender (it acts like catnips)

DEMAND: can she scare the monster by making herself look bigger?
MONSTER REVEAL: the monster inflates even bigger and towers over her

DEMAND: She wants to know why there is a monster in storage? Where did it come from?
MONSTER REVEAL: Mrs Larsen reveals the origine of the creature: how she captured the animal in the pond and brought it here as a pet. But when it bit her, she stopped feeding it, hoping it would die soon.

DEMAND: Why does monster stop fighting and leave, moaning in pain?
MONSTER REVEAL: the monster is pregnant and about to give birth

DEMAND. What’s in the locker (near the exit) that it’s protecting?
MONSTER REVEAL: The locker was the entrance of its lair — where monster slept at night, where it wanted to give birth.

ACT 1
Atmosphere of Evil established: a CREATURE attacks a MAN (60) in a storage area (in the basement of an apartment building)
Character Death 1: John, Joanna’s father, is attacked by monster.
Why? The audience needs to see how vicious the monster. John is the first one to die.
How? John breaks in a locker, thinking he’s rescuing an animal, but get savagely attacked by a monster.

Connect with the characters: JOANNA (20s), the man’s daughter, is a shoplifter who discovers her one night stand is a cop. When his dog accidentally dies in her kitchen, he blames her. Few days later, when she gets news her father died, she has one goal: rescue her father’s dog and redeem herself.
The characters are warned not to do it: In her father’s apartment, she can’t find any trace of the dog. Her father’s neighbour MRS LARSEN warned her to get out as soon as she can.
Horror Situation: She finds BUILDING MANAGER going through her father’s stuff. He demands she goes to storage to empty her father’s locker in basement otherwise he’ll charge her one month’s rent.
Reaction: She has no choice but to go. Also, earlier she found a message written by her father (STOR-) and wonders “What’s in storage?”
Denial of Horror: After emptying the locker, she sees an opportunity to make money by stealing valuables from surrounding lockers.
Horror Situation: As she tries to leave, the pile of boxes and stolen goods collapse outside, blocking the exit. Joanna is trapped in storage.
Reaction: She tries the door several times. Tries to find another exit and finds none.
She’s stuck in a creepy dark basement. When manager comes, he’ll know she’s a thief and call the police. Her life is over.
Horror Situation: Lights turn off, except emergency lights. It’s dark.
Reaction: She plugs in Christmas lights.
She finds a locker with a door ajar, creaking, and closes it.
Monster: First signs of the beast: claw marks on the floor. Then, a lapping sound, a bucket of water spills, then scampering noises, grunting.
The beast rummages inside a locker and comes out, puling sleeping bag out. Stuff spilling everywhere.
Horror Situation: Her childhood toy, Bunny, is alone in the hallway
Reaction: She picks up Bunny and takes shelter inside locker.

ACT 2
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted. She creates a barricade and hides inside a locker.
Horror Situation: Monster roams in storage. She hears noises.
Reaction: She hides in locker, creates a barricade.
Horror Situation: The monster breaches barricade and comes closer. It can smell her. Attacks. Monster tries to enter locker, ramming it with its body.
Reaction: She crawls over wall of adjacent locker.

MIDPOINT

Full pursuit by the killer: the creature rams into the door of the locker to break in and get to her.
Terrorized: she must flee from locker to locker, crawling over the shared wall between lockers in the small space between pipes and top of lockers, using a short ladder to cross to the other side of the hallway. She falls in the hallway. Close encounter with the creature.

DEMAND: Can we distract and slow down the monster?
MONSTER REVEAL: When she throws an object (eg. Tennis ball), beast catches it. (beast ability)

One of us killed: She throws Bunny, her favorite childhood toy, and creature eats and destroys it.
Character Death 2: Bunny, her childhood toy, is destroyed by Monster
Why? The toy represents the past she needs to let go of.
How? Beast eats it. Bunny if full of lavender and makes the beast sleepy (Lavender is the Beast weakness and acts like catnip)

DEMAND: Can we distract and slow down the monster?
MONSTER REVEAL: The monster has a weakness for lavender (it acts like catnips and it slows it down)
ACT 3
Fight to the death: She is being chased, trapped, attacked, and wounded.
Horror Situation: Beast chases her
Reaction: she escapes and hides to a locker.
Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast
Reaction: and ends up taking weird selfies with beast
DEMAND: can she scare the monster by making herself look bigger?
MONSTER REVEAL: the monster inflates even bigger and towers over her

Hysteria: she straps a doll to herself and talks to it. She loses doll.
The thrilling escape from death.
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen arrives to check on her, creating a diversion. The door is now open.
Reaction: She could leave, but she decides to stay to help Mrs. Larsen.
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen can’t climb over the wall. Monster eats Mrs. Larsen
Reaction: Joanna escapes.
Character Death 3: Mrs Larsen, her father’s neighbour.
Why? She has committed a sin by bringing the monster in storage to serve as a pet. She stopped feeding it after it bit her.
How? She’s not physically able to follow Joanna to safety by climbing a wall, so she gets eaten by beast.

Horror situation: She has a giant wooden splinter
Reaction: Removes splinter. She’s bleeding heavily.
Horror situation: Seriously injured by beast, she crawls in to a locker,
Reaction : She sows her wound.
Horror situation: The sound of beast feasting on Mrs. Larsen is disturbing.
Reaction: She puts on noise cancelling headphones to block the noise.
Horror situation: The beast kidnaps the doll. The sound of crying doll yelling Mamma awakens her maternal instincts.
Reaction: she goes to rescue the doll.
Mrs Larsen not dead!
DEMAND: She wants to know why there is a monster in storage? Where did it come from?
MONSTER REVEAL: Mrs Larsen reveals the origine of the creature: how she captured the animal in the pond and brought it here as a pet. But when it bit her, she stopped feeding it, hoping it would die soon.
Mrs Larsen dies.
She uses the broken A/C unit to knock out the beast.
Death returns to take one or more. The creature is not dead and grabs her one more time. Final fight. Mano a mano.
Horror situation: The beast approaches her nail to her stomach. She punches it in the stomach. Finds a tit. The beast is female! Joanna is suddenly drenched in bloody mucus.
Reaction: Beast stops fighting and leaves, moaning.
DEMAND: Why does monster stop fighting and leave, moaning in pain?
MONSTER REVEAL: the monster is pregnant and about to give birth
Beast gives birth. She locks it up.
DEMAND. What’s in the locker (near the exit) that it’s protecting?
MONSTER REVEAL: The locker was the entrance of its lair — where monster slept at night, where it wanted to give birth.
She’s now free to leave, but faints before she can reach the exit.
The Manager arrives, sees the mess in storage. She tries to leave without being seen.
Horror situation: Manager wants to kill her to keep his secret (she discovered he steals pension cheques from deceased residents).
Reaction: she uses monster against manager.
Character Death 4: Building Manager
Why? He’s a thief (stealing deceased resident’s pension cheques) and wants to kill Joanna who knows his secret.
How? Joanna turns the monster against him

Horror situation: Manager chases her, blocks the exit.
Reaction: she has no choice but to crawl into the beast’s lair, not knowing what she’ll found at the end of the tunnel. Their final fight takes place in the creature’s lair.
Horror situation: Manager pretends to be hurt. She tries to help him, but he turns against her.
Reaction: They fight.
Resolution: Neighbour is dead. Manager is vanquished. She exits storage with the doll, having accepted her pregnancy. She frees the beast and puppies outside. She calls the cop she slept with. Tells him about pregnancy. She wants to make it work. She discovers a lost puppy on the back seat and decides to keep it. Drives to meet the cop. They can be a family.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Character Death Track

Jessica Tremblay’s Character Death Track

“What I learned doing this assignment is my first character should die from the hands of the monster (instead of collapsing of a heart attack) to make the opening scarier and stronger. It was interestesting to determine WHY certain characters must die. I had never considered this question before. For example, Mrs Larsen must die because she’s not as innocent as we thought: she’s the reason the monster is in storage.

Character Death 1: John, Joanna’s father, is attacked by monster.
Why? The audience needs to see how vicious the monster. John is the first one to die.
How? John breaks in a locker, thinking he’s rescuing an animal, but get savagely attacked by a monster.

Character Death 2: Bunny, her childhood toy, is destroyed by Monster
Why? The toy represents the past she needs to let go of.
How? Beast eats it. Bunny if full of lavender and makes the beast sleepy (Lavender is the Beast weakness and acts like catnip)

Character Death 3: Mrs Larsen, her father’s neighbour.
Why? She has committed a sin by bringing the monster in storage to serve as a pet. She stopped feeding it after it bit her.
How? She’s not physically able to follow Joanna to safety by climbing a wall, so she gets eaten by beast.

Character Death 4: Building Manager
Why? He’s a thief (stealing deceased resident’s pension cheques) and wants to kill Joanna who knows his secret.
How? Joanna turns the monster against him
 
OUTLINE WITH CHARACTER DEATH ADDED:
ACT 1
Atmosphere of Evil established: a CREATURE attacks a MAN (60) in a storage area (in the basement of an apartment building)
Character Death 1: John, Joanna’s father, is attacked by monster.
Why? The audience needs to see how vicious the monster. John is the first one to die.
How? John breaks in a locker, thinking he’s rescuing an animal, but get savagely attacked by a monster.

Connect with the characters: JOANNA (20s), the man’s daughter, is a shoplifter who discovers her one night stand is a cop. When his dog accidentally dies in her kitchen, he blames her. Few days later, when she gets news her father died, she has one goal: rescue her father’s dog and redeem herself.
The characters are warned not to do it: In her father’s apartment, she can’t find any trace of the dog. Her father’s neighbour MRS LARSEN warned her to get out as soon as she can.
Horror Situation: She finds BUILDING MANAGER going through her father’s stuff. He demands she goes to storage to empty her father’s locker in basement otherwise he’ll charge her one month’s rent.
Reaction: She has no choice but to go. Also, earlier she found a message written by her father (STOR-) and wonders “What’s in storage?”
Denial of Horror: After emptying the locker, she sees an opportunity to make money by stealing valuables from surrounding lockers.
Horror Situation: As she tries to leave, the pile of boxes and stolen goods collapse outside, blocking the exit. Joanna is trapped in storage.
Reaction: She tries the door several times. Tries to find another exit and finds none.
She’s stuck in a creepy dark basement. When manager comes, he’ll know she’s a thief and call the police. Her life is over.
Horror Situation: Lights turn off, except emergency lights. It’s dark.
Reaction: She plugs in Christmas lights.
She finds a locker with a door ajar, creaking, and closes it.
Monster: First signs of the beast: claw marks on the floor. Then, a lapping sound, a bucket of water spills, then scampering noises, grunting.
The beast rummages inside a locker and comes out, puling sleeping bag out. Stuff spilling everywhere.
Horror Situation: Her childhood toy, Bunny, is alone in the hallway
Reaction: She picks up Bunny and takes shelter inside locker.

ACT 2
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted. She creates a barricade and hides inside a locker.
Horror Situation: Monster roams in storage. She hears noises.
Reaction: She hides in locker, creates a barricade.
Horror Situation: The monster breaches barricade and comes closer. It can smell her. Attacks. Monster tries to enter locker, ramming it with its body.
Reaction: She crawls over wall of adjacent locker.

MIDPOINT

Full pursuit by the killer: the creature rams into the door of the locker to break in and get to her.
Terrorized: she must flee from locker to locker, crawling over the shared wall between lockers in the small space between pipes and top of lockers, using a short ladder to cross to the other side of the hallway. She falls in the hallway. Close encounter with the creature.

One of us killed: She throws Bunny, her favorite childhood toy, and creature eats and destroys it.
Character Death 2: Bunny, her childhood toy, is destroyed by Monster
Why? The toy represents the past she needs to let go of.
How? Beast eats it. Bunny if full of lavender and makes the beast sleepy (Lavender is the Beast weakness and acts like catnip)

ACT 3
Fight to the death: She is being chased, trapped, attacked, and wounded.
Horror Situation: Beast chases her
Reaction: she escapes and hides to a locker.
Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast
Reaction: and ends up taking weird selfies with beast
Hysteria: she straps a doll to herself and talks to it. She loses doll.
The thrilling escape from death.
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen arrives to check on her, creating a diversion. The door is now open.
Reaction: She could leave, but she decides to stay to help Mrs. Larsen.
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen can’t climb over the wall. Monster eats Mrs. Larsen
Reaction: Joanna escapes.
Character Death 3: Mrs Larsen, her father’s neighbour.
Why? She has committed a sin by bringing the monster in storage to serve as a pet. She stopped feeding it after it bit her.
How? She’s not physically able to follow Joanna to safety by climbing a wall, so she gets eaten by beast.

Horror situation: She has a giant wooden splinter
Reaction: Removes splinter. She’s bleeding heavily.
Horror situation: Seriously injured by beast, she crawls in to a locker,
Reaction : She sows her wound.
Horror situation: The sound of beast feasting on Mrs. Larsen is disturbing.
Reaction: She puts on noise cancelling headphones to block the noise.
Horror situation: The beast kidnaps the doll. The sound of crying doll yelling Mamma awakens her maternal instincts.
Reaction: she goes to rescue the doll.
She uses the broken A/C unit to knock out the beast.
Death returns to take one or more. The creature is not dead and grabs her one more time. Final fight. Mano a mano.
Horror situation: The beast approaches her nail to her stomach. She punches it in the stomach. Finds a tit. The beast is female! Joanna is suddenly drenched in bloody mucus.
Reaction: Beast stops fighting and leaves, moaning.
Beast gives birth. She locks it up. She’s now free to leave, but faints before she can reach the exit.
The Manager arrives, sees the mess in storage. She tries to leave without being seen.
Horror situation: Manager wants to kill her to keep his secret (she discovered he steals pension cheques from deceased residents).
Reaction: she uses monster against manager.
Character Death 4: Building Manager
Why? He’s a thief (stealing deceased resident’s pension cheques) and wants to kill Joanna who knows his secret.
How? Joanna turns the monster against him

Horror situation: Manager chases her, blocks the exit.
Reaction: she has no choice but to crawl into the beast’s lair, not knowing what she’ll found at the end of the tunnel. Their final fight takes place in the creature’s lair.
Horror situation: Manager pretends to be hurt. She tries to help him, but he turns against her.
Reaction: They fight.
Resolution: Neighbour is dead. Manager is vanquished. She exits storage with the doll, having accepted her pregnancy. She frees the beast and puppies outside. She calls the cop she slept with. Tells him about pregnancy. She wants to make it work. She discovers a lost puppy on the back seat and decides to keep it. Drives to meet the cop. They can be a family.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Horror Situation Track
What I learned doing this assignment is horror has lots of tropes. It was fun to add new situations and reactions and see the story gets better and spookier. I also discover I have a very short Act 2, which could be a problem.

ACT 1
Atmosphere of Evil established: a CREATURE attacks a MAN (60) in a storage area (in the basement of an apartment building)
Connect with the characters: JOANNA (20s), the man’s daughter, is a shoplifter who discovers her one night stand is a cop. When his dog accidentally dies in her kitchen, he blames her. Few days later, when she gets news her father died, she has one goal: rescue her father’s dog and redeem herself.
The characters are warned not to do it: In her father’s apartment, she can’t find any trace of the dog. Her father’s neighbour MRS LARSEN warned her to get out as soon as she can.
Horror Situation: She finds BUILDING MANAGER going through her father’s stuff. He demands she goes to storage to empty her father’s locker in basement otherwise he’ll charge her one month’s rent.
Reaction: She has no choice but to go. Also, earlier she found a message written by her father (STOR-) and wonders “What’s in storage?”
Denial of Horror: After emptying the locker, she sees an opportunity to make money by stealing valuables from surrounding lockers.
Horror Situation: As she tries to leave, the pile of boxes and stolen goods collapse outside, blocking the exit. Joanna is trapped in storage.
Reaction: She tries the door several times. Tries to find another exit and finds none.
She’s stuck in a creepy dark basement. When manager comes, he’ll know she’s a thief and call the police. Her life is over.
Horror Situation: Lights turn off, except emergency lights. It’s dark.
Reaction: She plugs in Christmas lights.
She finds a locker with a door ajar, creaking, and closes it.
Monster: First signs of the beast: claw marks on the floor. Then, a lapping sound, a bucket of water spills, then scampering noises, grunting.
The beast rummages inside a locker and comes out, puling sleeping bag out. Stuff spilling everywhere.
Horror Situation: Her childhood toy, Bunny, is alone in the hallway
Reaction: She picks up Bunny and takes shelter inside locker.

ACT 2
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted. She creates a barricade and hides inside a locker.
Horror Situation: Monster roams in storage. She hears noises.
Reaction: She hides in locker, creates a barricade.
Horror Situation: The monster breaches barricade and comes closer. It can smell her. Attacks. Monster tries to enter locker, ramming it with its body.
Reaction: She crawls over wall of adjacent locker.

MIDPOINT

Full pursuit by the killer: the creature rams into the door of the locker to break in and get to her.
Terrorized: she must flee from locker to locker, crawling over the shared wall between lockers in the small space between pipes and top of lockers, using a short ladder to cross to the other side of the hallway. She falls in the hallway. Close encounter with the creature.

One of us killed: She throws Bunny, her favorite childhood toy, and creature eats and destroys it.

ACT 3
Fight to the death: She is being chased, trapped, attacked, and wounded.
Horror Situation: Beast chases her
Reaction: she escapes and hides to a locker.
Horror Situation: chased by beast in hallway, she used phone flash to blind beast
Reaction: and ends up taking weird selfies with beast
Hysteria: she straps a doll to herself and talks to it. She loses doll.
The thrilling escape from death.
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen arrives to check on her, creating a diversion. The door is now open.
Reaction: She could leave, but she decides to stay to help Mrs. Larsen.
Horror situation: Mrs. Larsen can’t climb over the wall. Monster eats Mrs. Larsen
Reaction: Joanna escapes.
Horror situation: She has a giant wooden splinter
Reaction: Removes splinter. She’s bleeding heavily.
Horror situation: Seriously injured by beast, she crawls in to a locker,
Reaction : She sows her wound.
Horror situation: The sound of beast feasting on Mrs. Larsen is disturbing.
Reaction: She puts on noise cancelling headphones to block the noise.
Horror situation: The beast kidnaps the doll. The sound of crying doll yelling Mamma awakens her maternal instincts.
Reaction: she goes to rescue the doll.
She uses the broken A/C unit to knock out the beast.
Death returns to take one or more. The creature is not dead and grabs her one more time. Final fight. Mano a mano.
Horror situation: The beast approaches her nail to her stomach. She punches it in the stomach. Finds a tit. The beast is female! Joanna is suddenly drenched in bloody mucus.
Reaction: Beast stops fighting and leaves, moaning.
Beast gives birth. She locks it up. She’s now free to leave, but faints before she can reach the exit.
The Manager arrives, sees the mess in storage. She tries to leave without being seen.
Horror situation: Manager wants to kill her to keep his secret (she discovered he steals pension cheques from deceased residents).
Reaction: she uses monster against manager.
Horror situation: Manager chases her, blocks the exit.
Reaction: she has no choice but to crawl into the beast’s lair, not knowing what she’ll found at the end of the tunnel. Their final fight takes place in the creature’s lair.
Horror situation: Manager pretends to be hurt. She tries to help him, but he turns against her.
Reaction: They fight.
Resolution: Neighbour is dead. Manager is vanquished. She exits storage with the doll, having accepted her pregnancy. She frees the beast and puppies outside. She calls the cop she slept with. Tells him about pregnancy. She wants to make it work. She discovers a lost puppy on the back seat and decides to keep it. Drives to meet the cop. They can be a family.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay's Outline Exchange 1

Anybody ready to exchange feedbacks on their outline?

My outline is 13 pages.

DEATH CLEANING
Genre: Horror
Concept: After her father’s death, a pregnant woman seeking her inheritance gets trapped in the basement of his building where she must battle a bloodthirsty creature using objects found in storage lockers to survive the night while protecting a doll who acts as a surrogate for her unborn child.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Fascinating Scene Outlines!
What I learned from doing this assignment is…it’s impossible to keep an outline under ten pages once you’ve added interest technique, but it helps keep you focus.
What I did: I labeled all the scenes that had interest technique so I can focus on making these scenes stronger during rewrite. Also it will help that they’re labeled so I don’t accidentally delete these scenes, since they have a purpose.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Horror Plot

What I learned doing this assignment is horror is very structured. You must hit certain points in the stories. I still have trouble with my midpoint and have to work on that.

ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
• Atmosphere of Evil established: a CREATURE attacks a MAN (60) in a storage locker (in the basement of an apartment building)
• Connect with the characters: Joanna, the man’s daughter, is a shoplifter who discovers her one-night stand is a cop. His police dog dies in her kitchen and he blaims her. When she hears her father died, she has one goal: rescue his dog and redeem herself to the cop.
• The characters are warned not to do it. She can’t find anyt race of the dog. Just dog medications. Her father’s neighbour warned her to get out as soon as she can, but Building manager wants her to empty storage locker or he’ll charger her a month’s rent.
• Denial of Horror: Safety taken away. Seeins an opportunity to make money, Joanna steals valuables (fur coat, etc.) from surrounding lockers. The pile of boxes and stolen goods collapse outside, blocking the exit. She’s stuck in a creepy dark basement ! When manager comes, he’ll know she stole stuff. Her life is over. She tries to get out, but there’s no other exit. She must wait. Something escapes from a locker.
• Monster: The nature of the beast. First signs of the beast: claw marks on the floor. A lapping sound, then scampering noises, grunting.

ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
• Isolated / Trapped / Abducted. She creates a barricade and takes refuge inside the neighbour’s locker, but beast breaches barricade. Finds her smell. Attacks!
• One of us killed: Creature eats and destroys Bunny, her favorite childhood toy.
MIDPOINT: The monster is worse than we thought! Creature can inflate to twice its size.
• Full pursuit by the killer: the creature rams into the door of the locker to break in and get to her.
• Terrorized: she must flee from locker to locker, crawling over the shared wall between lockers in the small space between pipes and top of lockers, using a short ladder to cross to the other side of the hallway. Close encounter with the creature.

ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
• Fight to the death: She is being chased, trapped, attacked, and wounded.
• Hysteria: she straps a doll to herself and talks to it.
• The thrilling escape from death. Neighbour arrives, creating a diversion. The door is now open. She can leave, but she decides to stay to help the neighbour. She uses the broken A/C unit to knock out the beast.
• Death returns to take one or more. The creature is not dead and grabs her one more time. Final fight. When it unexpectedly gives birth, she locks it up. That’s when Manager arrives to check on her and tries to kill her to keep his secret (he steals pension cheques from deceased residents). Their final fight takes place in the creature’s lair. She uses the creature against him.
• Resolution: Neighbour is dead. Manager is vainquished. She exits storage with the doll, having accepted her pregnancy. She frees the beast and puppies outside. She calls the cop she slept with. Tells hims about pregnancy. She wants to make it work. She discovers a lost puppy on the back seat and decides to keep it. Drives to meet the cop. They can be a family.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Characters for Horror
What I learn during this assignment is that every character plays a role.

Concept: After her father’s death, a pregnant woman comes to rescue his dog and finds herself trapped in the storage area in the basement of his building where she must battle a genetically-enhanced bloodthirsty creature — resembling her father’s dog — using objects found in neighbouring lockers. Protecting a doll who acts as a surrogate for her unborn child, she learns to be a mother while finally making peace with the past. After all, parents can be monsters and monsters can be parents.

Group: My main protagonist is an outsider – Joanna, a pregnant woman who comes to rescue her dead father’s dog. The supporting characters are the Building Manager and Mrs. Larsen (her father’s neighbour).

Patter of dying: Joanna, the main protagonist will survive, but not the supporting characters. Mrs Larsen will die for her sin and (she’s the one who incite Joanna’s father to use the pet enhancing drug) and will get eaten by the beast. Joanna will punish Building Manager using the Beast, but will neutralize the Manager herself.
3. Give us an Identity and a sentence for each character that makes up your group.

THE CARRIER: The Neighbour Mrs Larsen, by telling Joanna’s father dad about the pet-enhancing drug, brings terror into their lives and building.
Moral One: Joanna accidentally killed the dog of her one-night stand Mike. To redeem herself, she’ll seek to replace it and will do anything to find and rescue her dead father’s dog.

Monster bait: Building Manager. When he tries to kill Joanna (to prevent her from revealing his scheme of profiting from deceased resident by cashing him their pension cheques) she uses the Beast against him.
Leader: a doll found in storage will lead Joanna in her effort to defend herself and find weapon. Joanna will converse with this doll to the point where we’ll wonder if she has lost her mind.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Terrifying Monster
What I learned doing this assignment is it’s important to know your monster since he’s the antagonist of your story. There were many facets of the monster I hadn’t explored yet (I mostly focused on physical appearance) so this was a good exercise. Thinking of the mythology for a potential sequel is also something that never crossed my mind until this.
1. My monster is a genetically-enhanced dog-like creature with physical deformities (it belonged to my protagonist’s father)
2.
a. Terror: They have sharp teeth and claws. They bite and scratch. They prevent my protagonist from reaching the door and leaving.
b. Mystery: How can she reach the exit and leave without being eaten by this beast? The monster is aggressive and territorial because it’s pregnant.
c. Their Fear Provoking Appearance: Inflates to make themselves bigger and more impressive.
d. Their Rules: if you come near my lair, I’ll kill you.
e. Their mythology: A lab invents the technology to inject your pet’s DNA into another animal who will them exhibit some of the character traits of your beloved pet. The problem is when pets are not given their medicine, they turn mad, become extremely aggressive and attack their owners. Sequel could include: other movies where family pets when crazy and attack members of a family in a live-or-die situation.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay Elevates Lead Characters!
What I learned from doing this assignment is I have been too kind to my character. In early drafts I removed a major character trait – OCD – that was making her life hell in the dirty disorganize basement storage area, but adding it back would actually make her journey stronger and a bigger transformation.
A. Need Stronger Lead Characters: A shoplifter with OCD
B. Need Stronger Character Intros: she,s a shoplifter who discovers she just slept with a copy and her apartment is full of evidence
C. Playing it Too Safe: She has OCD. Obsessed with cleanliness and order.
D. Lead Characters Not Present: she’s actually in every scene except the hook.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay Solves Major Problems!
“What I learned from doing this assignment is…there is always room for improvement. (Also, since we’re adding to the outline, It’s a struggle to keep the outline under 10 pages.)
A. Need Stronger Transformational Journey: I’ve emphasized that she likes things to be clean and organized, so being in a dirty and disorganized environment in the basement will cause her added stress. Also, I have to show an evolution on how she cares for the doll, from ignoring it, to tucking it in, to strapping it to herself, to saving it, naming it.
B. Need Stronger Conflict. She wants to get out. Beast blocks access to her territory. (Also they are fighting for the bunny, they are fighting for the doll. They are fighting like siblings who don’t want to share!)
C. Need Stronger Opening: She’s a shoplifter who discovers her one night stand is a cop. And her apartment is full of evidence.
D. Need Stronger Ending: maybe show an in-person meeting with Mike, if possible, to show they can make it work as a family.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Outline Improvements
What I learned doing this assignment is an outline should be brief (focus only on the essential plot points, not the details) and that’s it’s an excellent tool to rework a script.
Deliver on the pitch: “When grief turns to Greed” is a major theme of the story, so I made sure to add examples of grief and greed in the pitch (Eg. After her father’s death, a pregnant woman looking for valuables gets trapped…) and for every character in the outline.
4 act structure: I reordered the scenes in act 2. The Failure / All is lost moment came way too soon so I had to move it back.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

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• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year ago by  j y.

[j y]

Hi Tasha, this made me smile. First the title and knowing what it was about. Amazing! Everything in your title, concept, and characters scream Horror Comedy, so you totally nailed it! Great handle on the genre. And it’s a very high concept idea. We can see the story in our heads right away. You have my admiration. Happy Rewriting!

[j y]

Hi. I’m Jessica Tremblay
I finished one horror feature script that I’ll be workshopping during this class (and the Professional Rewrite class) and I’m currently developping four other scripts, all in the horror genre.
I’m hoping to gain insights on how to make my horror scripts even more terrifying.
I came through screenwriting because of haiku! At a haiku conference, someone mentions they’d read a film script and it read a bit like a haiku (visual writing, lots of white on the page). The script was Alien. I read it, and fell in love with screenwriting.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay
I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Character Profiles

What I learned doing this assignment is that it’s important for secondary characters to be fullly developed, have inner conflicts, etc.

A. Name: Joanna
B. Role in the story: Protagonist who gets stuck in storage with the beast
C. Core traits: Runner, broke, graduate, shoplifter, irresponsible with money
D. Motivation (want/need): Wants to leave storage and run away, need to learn to share and love
E. Flaw/wound: weak arm, people will die and abandon you,
F. Secret/hidden agenda: Steal valuables to make money
G. Internal Dilemna: leave storage and save myself… or stay in storage to help Mrs Larsen
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? She’s always running away. Being stuck in storage, she has nowhere to go and must confront her problems.
BEAST
A. Name: Beast
B. Role in the story: Antagonist who wants to eat Joanna in storage
C. Core traits: Hungry, inflates to make itself bigger
D. Motivation (want/need): want to eat and get out of storage, needs to find a way out and take care of her pups
E. Flaw/wound: mutated creature, human will hurt me and my pups ,they scare me
F. Secret/hidden agenda: I’m pregnant and just protecting my lair
G. Internal Dilemna: defend my territory and gain freedom by eating and chasing this woman or settle down with my pups and remain a prisoner?
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? It makes Joanna realize if monsters can be parent, so can she.

TEMPLATE
A. Name: Boyfriend
B. Role in the story: Romantic interest
C. Core traits: Caring and sharing
D. Motivation (want/need): wants a relationship with Joanna, needs to forgive her (for killing his dog accidentally)
E. Flaw/wound: rejected by women, insecure.
F. Secret/hidden agenda: be a family
G. Internal Dilemna: I love this woman but she accidentally killed my dog so I resent her.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? He is caring and sharing and wants a relationship, he is the opposite of Joanna in every way.

BUILDING MANAGER
A. Name: Building Manager
B. Role in the story: Antagonist
C. Core traits: Greedy, forces Joanna to empty father apartment as fast as possible or he’ll charge her next month’s rent.
D. Motivation (want/need): wants money ; need to learn human lives have value
E. Flaw/wound: greedy, grew up poor
F. Secret/hidden agenda: steals pension cheques from deceased residents, wants to make as much money as possible to buy a house and retire in another country
G. Internal Dilemna: I’m a thief, not a killer. I have to kill Joanna and Mrs Larsen or I’ll end up in prison.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Greedy, he is the first antagonist to cause trouble for Joanna at a time where she is grieving.

MRS LARSEN
A. Name: Mrs Larsen
B. Role in the story: Mentor
C. Core traits: grieving (lost parrot, lost lover)
D. Motivation (want/need): feels guilty that Joanna’s father died because of her
E. Flaw/wound: Grieving (Keep a stuffed bird in a cage and plays recorded bird songs), she never moved on from the lost of her husband and child.
F. Secret/hidden agenda: was Joanna’s father “lady friend”, is responsible for the beast starving (it bit her so she stopped feeding it), was married with a child once but they died.
G. Internal Dilemna: Feed beast and risk injury/death, or leave beast to die.
H. What makes this character perfect for their role in this story? Grieving, she shows Joanna there is hope for love even later in life.

Answer the questions to improve the Character Profiles.
• A: Are there any parts of the profile that you could improve?
o Secondary characters should be more fleshed out. Eg. Manager’s motivations (his future dreams) are not clear
• B: Can this character fulfill their role in the story more effectively?
o Mrs Larsen could have a more active role (instead of just talking to Joanna)

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s Characters Story lines
What I learned doing this assignment is: to make sure each character has an arc. At the end of the story each character must be completely transformed by their journey, almost at an opposite from where they started.
Character Joanna – her 4 act structure
Opening: she runs away after shoplifting. (Selfish, irresponsible with money, she takes from people).
Inciting incident: takes money from her lover’s wallet, takes valuables from her father’s apartment.
Turning point 1: in storage, after emptying her father’s locker she steals valuables from several lockers. When the pile of stuff collapses outside the door and she gets stuck, she can no longer run away and must face the truth about herself. She’s a thief. A taker. Her life is going nowhere. She must change, but she doesn’t know how.
Climax: she fights with beast like they’re siblings – fighting, taking, not wanting to share.
Turning point 2: she gives beast a place to give birth and her favorite toy (learns to share)
Resolution: Decides to give being a mother a shot, after witnessing even a monster can do it. (selfless, responsible, she shares and gives)
 

Character Beast – her 4 act structure
Opening: living in the park (free, alone, hungry)
Inciting incident: an old man feeds me and imprison me in a storage locker in a dark basement, but doesn’t come back. I’m starving, alone in the dark. (prison, hungry)
Turning Point 1: someone opens the door to the locker. I’m free. And very hungry. (partially free, hungry)
Climax: I want to eat the woman in storage, but she fights back (hungry); I want to leave, but the door is closed (prison)
Turning point 2: I get to eat the manager. Now I’m strong enough to feed my pups.
Resolution: I’m released in the park with my pups (free, with pups)
 

Character boyfriend – 4 act structure
Opening: I jog in the park (carefree, single, with my dog).
Inciting incident: I save a woman running in the park from getting hit by a car. (take responsibility for someone else by saving their life, getting attached) That night, we make love in her apartment but my dog suddenly dies in her kitchen. (I was beginning to fall in love, but now I blame her for the death of my dog and resent her)
Turning point 1: Three months later, she calls me. Not sure I want to talk to her. When she mentions she’s trying to rescue her dead father’s dog, I perk up. (Possibility of a new connection with this woman and a new dog)
Climax:
Turning point 2:
Resolution: She leaves a message that she wants to talk to me when she’s back in town. (Later, she tells me she’s pregnant. We’ll try to make the relationship works somehow.) (Now I’m in a relationship, with a baby on the way, and a new puppy to raise)
 

Character Building manager – 4 act structure
Opening: I run a scheme and cash pension cheques from deceased residents in the building I manage (thief)
Inciting incident: after an old man dies, his daughter catches me stealing from his apartment. (She discovers my scheme, so I want her outta here as fast as possible.) I give her an ultimatum: empty the place by Friday or she owns an additional month’s rent.
Turning point 1: after apartment is empty, I send her to empty storage locker. (I want her to fail in emptying locker by midnight so I can cash in a month’s rent)
Climax: I fall asleep on the lazyboy.
Turning point 2: In the morning I go check on her in storage and discovers she made a mess (I’m definitely keeping the deposit!)
Resolution: She knows my secret scheme, so I must kill her or I’ll go to prison. She uses the beast against me and knocks me out. (I’ll go to prison for what I did).

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

(Oops. posted on the wrong forum. )

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay’s genre convention

Title: Death Cleaning
Concept: After her father’s death, a broke graduate seeking money gets trapped in the basement of his building where she must battle a blood thirsty creature using objects found in storage lockers to survive the night.
Genre: Horror

Horror
Purpose is to push people to hysteria = stuck in basement with a monster, she will totally lose it, remove all protective equipment, will do anything to retrieve a doll she connected with, including attacking the beast, addressing the monster like it was her father.
Isolation = stuck in a storage lockers area in the basement of an apartment building
Death = if she doesn’t do anything, she risks death.
Monster = a monster came out of a locker she broke into. It’s dangerous, blood-thirsty, and is now out to get her.
High tension = at first she tries to hide from the monster, but it finds her. She puts up barricades, but it breaks in. She defends herself from vicious attacks, but monster is stronger, so she has to retreat and regroup. Finally, she has no choice but to attack the creature. Knowing she has nothing to lose, she removes all protective equipment and give it all she got.
Extreme situation from everyday life = she’s a pregnant woman facing a monster who is also pregnant. By protecting a doll who acts as a surrogate child, she learns to be a mother. She will use objects in storage lockers to defends herself and attack the beast.

Brainstorm
I haven’t integrated the fear of pregnancy really well into the script yet. It’s too subtle. We found out she’s pregnant too late in the script.

Revised 4 act structure
I’m reposting my first version (which I think focus too much on plot and not enough on emotional journey). Will work on this later.

Act 1 : HOME
Opening: a creature attacks a man in storage
Inciting Incident: she learns her father died: she must go empty his place.
Turning Point: she’s stuck in storage.

Act 2a: DEFEND
New Plan: she must hide from the creature.
Plan in action: she uses objects to DEFEND herself.
Turning Point / Midpoint: beast breaks in

Act 2b: ATTACK / LAIR
Rethink everything: She uses objects to FIGHT the creature.
New Plan: set up traps
Failure: Injured, she sows her wounds
Turning Point: She must attack with everything she’s got

Act 3: STAND UP TO MANAGER
Climax: Stand up to manager who tries to kill her to keep his secret
Resolution: she gets out of storage

P.S Sorry about the formatting. Once I click Save my posts are reformatted, removing all the space between the lines. It’s a pain to edit and add them back. And it seems we can only edit once which is too bad.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

What I learned doing this assignment is that a high concept is not something you implement after the fact, but must be an integral part of the story development process as it will become a big selling point. J

essica Tremblay’s Death Cleaning pitch
A. Genre: Horror
B. Title: DEATH CLEANING
C. High Concept : a pregnant woman uses objects found in lockers to fight a monster and survive the night
D. Main Conflict: After her father’s death, a pregnant woman trapped in the storage area in the basement of a building must battle a bloodthirsty creature
E. Transformational Journey: She learns to be a mother by protecting a doll. After all, parents can be monsters and monsters can be parents
F. Opposition: Hunger, Fear of the dark, fear of insects, Monster, Building Manager

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

What I learned during this assignment is: I thought I knew the core of my story, but creating the one page helped me narrow it down even more.

Death Cleaning by Jessica Tremblay (jtrembla59@hotmail.com) 20240424

Logline
Trapped in the basement of a building, a pregnant woman battles a bloodthirsty creature using objects found in storage lockers.

Synopsis
A MAN (50s) is attacked by a vicious CREATURE in a storage area in the basement of a building. He manages to escape but dies of a heart attack in his apartment before he can call for help.
After hearing her father died, JOANNA (mid 20s) drives to the strange little town to attend his funeral, rescue his dog and cash in her inheritance. What she finds in his shady apartment is a dwindling bank account but no traces of the dog.
Under pressure to vacate the apartment before the end of the month, she calls a removal company. She’s ready to go, but the LANDLORD won’t take the keys back until she empties the storage locker. She has until midnight; otherwise he’ll charge her a month’s rent.
Emptying her father’s locker, she gets stuck in the storage area. That’s where she meets CHARLIE, a vicious creature who bears a strange resemblance to her father’s first dog. Charlie is aggressive, victim of horrible mutations. She manages to lock him up, but when the animal breaks out and turns on her, the gloves are off. She will use objects found in storage to defend herself.
In the process, she bonds with a doll who becomes her partner in battle. She ties the doll to her back, confiding in it as she sets up traps and creates weapons.
When everything fails, and the creature takes away the doll, Joanna must face the beast alone. Removing all protections, she fights with the beast and discovers the reason for the beast’s aggressive behaviour: the animal is pregnant and about to give birth. Joanna opens her locker, allowing the beast to give birth in peace.
Gathering a few mementos scattered during the battle, she finds a hidden bundle of cash (her inheritance) and a letter from her father. The greedy landlord comes to check on her, sees the payoff, and wants to kill her for the money. The final fight between Joanna and the landlord takes place in the beast’s secret lair. Joanna fights for her life.
Joanna comes out of the lair victorious and bloody, but alive. She washes off the blood, puts on a vintage dress found in a locker, and takes the doll with her.
Joanna drives to a lake where she opens her suitcase, freeing the beast and its pups that were hidden inside. As she drives home, reaching for her bag, she gets bitten by one of the beast’s pups that was left behind. She decides to keep it and drives off with the puppy and the doll.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

What I learned doing this assignment is that some of my turning points were very similar. I worked on them so there is a clear escalation of conflict : from defending to attacking to giving everything she's got.

Jessica Tremblay's – 4 Act Structure – Death Cleaning

Title: Death Cleaning

Genre : a horror film

Main conflict: a pregnant woman fights a creature in storage

Concept : Using objects from her neighbors' lockers

Act 1 : HOME
Opening: a creature attacks a man in storage

Inciting Incident: she learns her father died: she must go empty his place.

Turning Point: she’s stuck in storage.

Act 2: DEFEND

New Plan: she must hide from the creature.

Plan in action: she uses objects to DEFEND herself.

Turning Point / Midpoint: creature breaks in

Act 3: ATTACK

Rethink everything: she uses objects to FIGHT the creature.

New Plan: set up traps

Failure: Injured, she sows her wounds

Turning Point: she must attack with everything she’s got

Act 4: STAND UP TO MANAGER

Climax: stand up to manager who tries to kill her to keep his secret

Resolution: she get out of storage

 

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

What I learned doing this assignment is that my initial pitch was missing some crucial elements, like the transformational journey of my character and the fact this was taking place the night before her father’s funeral.

Jessica Tremblay’s Death Cleaning

DEATH CLEANING is a horror movie. On the eve of her father’s funeral, a pregnant woman trapped in the storage area in the basement of her building must battle a bloodthirsty creature using only objects found in her neighbors’ lockers. Protecting a doll who acts as a surrogate for her unborn child, she learns to be a mother and finally makes peace with the past. After all, parents can be monsters and monsters can be parents.

I would love to get some feedback. Anything unclear. Things I can improve on. Let me know. Looking forward to read everybody’s pitch. Cheers.

[j y]

1. My name is Jessica Tremblay.
2. I've completed one script but I've got about five unfinished scripts that I'm still working on.
3. I'm looking to learn a method of rewriting that I can apply easily. I love the "pyramid of rewrite" model that Hal presented in the Ultra Speed Rewrite free class a few years ago. That's why I'm taking the Professional Rewrite class to learn more about this method.
4. Something unusual about me is that I am a haiku poet. At a haiku conference, a friend said screenplays were written a bit like a haiku (visual writing, lots of white on the page). I went to read the script he was talking about (Alien) and got hooked on screenwriting. (Any Alien fan in the course?)

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.
• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  j y.

[j y]

Jessica Tremblay

I agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[j y]

Hi Artemis,

Glad to know I’m not the only poet in class. I was writing haiku when someone told me the script for Alien (the first one) was written like a haiku. I had to go check it out! That’s how I got to read my first script and start writing.

I’m only starting lesson 1 now. (Yes, I’m way behind, but just got now the courage to start.).

Hope to read your stories and exchange feedback at the end of the class.

Till then, good luck with the writing process.

Jessica

[j y]

Hi Joan,

Wow! four scripts!

Yes, I agree, the classes are so fast, especially this one. I felt so behind I almost thought of giving up, but then I decided to just start.

I’m only now starting lesson 1. Hope you can join soon too.

Looking forward to exchanging feedbacks on stories!

Jessica

[j y]

Hi Tim,
Thanks for the notes. Really appreciate them. I’ve started revising the outline.
I got your message. Yes, I’d be happy to receive any additional notes you have. Simply reply to any post from the last lesson and I’ll get them here. Thanks again.
JT

[j y]

Hi Ed,
I’m happy to exchange feedbacks too when you’re ready.
Jessica

[j y]

Hi Tasha,
Looking forward to reading the outline!
Jessica

[j y]

Hi Timothy,
You did a good job of keeping the outline short, readable and entertaining.
It was an incredibly entertaining outline and premise.
The logline set up the tone and genre really well. I was excited to read this.
What you promised in the logline was reflected in the outline. Well done!
I could totally see this as a movie.
I’ve included my notes in the outline at the bottom of each scene.
Some more observations:
Fears: You appeal to lots of primal fear (pain and torture, creatures, unknown, going insane). Well done!
Horror conventions: I could totally see how anybody would be pushed to the point of hysteria in this situations. Escalation of deaths worked really well.
Moral statement: not sure what it is, something about greed maybe? At the end, the good people get the money.
Mystery of the monster/villain: I would have liked to see an original story for the truck (there were a few hints, but nothing for sure)
Monster/villain: Who is the mystery grey man that keeps appearing with the truck in some scenes (need origin a story for him too) (see my comment under scene 21)
Monster villains: The fact that there is two villains – truck and mystery grey man – might be problematic, unless grey man is the key to defeating the truck? (again see comments under 21)
Rules of the monster: it influences your dreams. But can kill you in real life? Not sure. I got confused a little bit about what it can do. Did it get more powerful as the story progressed? If so , why? B ecause it can sense fear?
Characters: Develop the prisoners of war story a bit more, especially since they’ll be the only survivors at the end.
Give Chaz more of a back story by giving him more scenes in Act 1 (see comments under scene 2)
Scares and releases: you could add some more. The outline shows either full blown horror or everyday journey in the desert.We need some “in-between” scary moments.

For more, see my comments under each numbered scenes:

Time’s Outline Version 1
Title: WAR SURPLUS
First Logline: 5 victims of war fight to survive being passengers in a demon-haunted battle ambulance and an active war Zone.
Great logline. I would watch this in a second!
Outline 1:
Opening Scene:
1. EXT – AFGHANISTAN DESERT – DAY
THREE MEN in Russian uniforms kneel surrounded by Afghani fighters, all weapons trained on the prisoners. They refuse to get into the offered vehicle. The Afghani leader orders them shot.
Horror situation: Russian fighters refuse getting into an old ambulance and are shot.
Apprehension: Russian prisoners might have a chance to live, but are stubborn.
Fear: would rather die than ride in that.
Suspense: Surely they can go along, though one of them is cracking down. They are killed.

1. Great opening scene. Mystery surrounding the vehicle is well established (establish evil). It’s clear solders are chosing death because the thing in the vehicle is worst then death.

2. EXT –OUTSIDE SAN ANGELO, TEXAS – NIGHT
CHAS kicked from a pick-up and savagely beaten. He tries to get help from a locked truck lot. Sees a man in white who lets him in and shows him to an old ambulance, a Dodge Wc54 truck ambulance, circa WWII. Chaz catches a glimpse of guy’s face. Whatever it is, it ain’t human, or at least a living one. Chaz screams. . .
Horror Situation: Meeting a stranger late at night, needing help
Fear: Strange guy, somethings not right.
Shock: His face is a living skull with shining eyes. . .

2 a) I like the transition from the opening in Afghan to “modern day USA” where we get to meet the main character. I empathized with the main character Chaz immediately. However, for the presentation of the main character, I would avoid using a dream sequence. It took me out of the story a bit. I was confused when he was shown the ambulance (I wondered, the ambulance from afghan is now in Texas?) before I realized this was a dream sequence.

A good second scene alternate might be how is called to go to Afghan in Texas and has no choice to go. The audience would fear for him, knowing the danger he might face there. Then the next scenes could show him getting to know his troops and finally finding the ambulance during a mission and having no choice but to use it.

3. INT – TRUCK, AFGHANISTAN CITY – DAY.
Chas awakens with his left hand cuffed to the steering wheel of the antique war surplus truck in Afghanistan and the war is still going on around him. The only modern equipment is some blinking camera devices in the Dashboard and the back of the truck: who is watching? U.S. Soldier Ambrose is forced to use Chaz to drive the truck to rendezvous with the others JAMES HOWARD, PVT. DIANE SIKOWSKI, RAFI SAWRIZ, SALA MUHAMMED, and her baby ALI. They are fired upon as they escape.

3) I like this scene a lot – how we go from black out to him being cuffed in the truck. It’s great. Unsettling. We’re plunged in the action. Where are they going? Who are these people with him?
Don’t know why Ambrose is forced to use Chaz to drive the truck, but that’s intriguing and it makes Chaz an unwilling participant. Is he being threatened?

4. INT – TEMP. ARMY GARAGE – DAY
Ambrose gets the truck to mechanic. The Mechanic is shocked when touching the truck. Has a vision, but can’t find any damage.

4) I love that the mechanic has a vision. Very spooky. We now understands there is something very wrong with his vehicles. However, I’d like to see more reaction from the mechanic because if something spooks him, he wouldn’t continue with his investigation, maybe he’d refuse to do any more investigating, quit, and just leave them stranded and they must wait till morning for another garage to open. This would add more complications for them.

5. INT — TRUCK – DAY.
While alone in the truck, Sikowski also sees unexplainable vision of a Nazi. GUNFIRE ERUPTS NEARBY.
• Horror Situation: Seeing a Nazi appear and disappear in the truck
• Horror emotions Fear of insanity and the irrational.
• Scares: Words are being etched into the side of the truck.
• Releases: The others load up and all seems the way it was.
• Monster reveals: something is in this truck.

5) words being etched = Great! Spooky****

6 INT – TEMP. ARMY GARAGE – DAY
Rafi (the Translator) Warns them they will not get to Mosul and because of the truck refuses to go with them. As the enemy moves in on the station, Mechanic Throws tools and cans of gas in the back and goes with them out of town

6) (what if he simply refused to go with them? He was spooked by the vision. Like the soldiers in scene 1, maybe he’d rather face death then go in the truck)

7. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Mechanic Cousins is knocked unconscious in the escape from the city. He sees himself killed in war, a Japanese sword swings towards his neck. Upon waking, he is relieved that it was just an illusion.

7) Intriguing scene.

8. INT/EXT – TRUCK – DAY
Visibility has gone down to zero in blowing sand. Ambrose tells Cousins to lift himself out and see if he can get their bearings. Sikowski volunteers but Cousins does it. He sticks his head above the truck and a low hung radio wire contacts his neck. The Mechanic is decapitated.

• Horror Situation: Eric wakes from Nightmare, and then lives it.
• Horror emotions Apprehension, dread.
• Scares: Irrational punishment, decapitation.
• Releases: Sword was just a dream, in a truck alive.
• Monster reveals: The truck manipulates dreams and lives

8) (Who’s Eric? Ah, right, you mean Cousins. Had to go back to previous scene. Maybe says Cousins instead of Eric here)

9. INT – TRUCK – DAY
There is mayhem inside the ambulance. Sikowski wants to recover the body, but Howard won’t have it. They berate Ambrose for his sacrificing Cousins. Howard takes command.

9) (All the scenes are great so far. At this point, though I was beginning to wonder what is going on with the other passengers, though. Hopefully you will add some scenes where they have conversation inside the truck. Maybe they’re afraid to be executed. Try to get Chaz by their side, etc.)

10. INT — TRUCK – DAY.
After losing control of his weapon, Ambrose finds himself across from a man dressed in a white suit. Chaz is no longer there. The driver’s side window opens and the cab is filled with foul, burning fumes. Ambrose literally starts falling apart. He stumbles into the back and finds himself unharmed.
• Horror Situation: Ambrose, angry at Howard, is vulnerable to the truck.
• Horror emotions anger, loss of power.
• Scares: He is dissolved
• Releases: Weird old man, got to get a grip. Just a bad dream.
• Monster reveals: The truck is working on his sanity.

10) I really like the appearance of the weird old man. Super creepy. It’s full of mystery. Who is he? What is his role in this? I’m intrigued to know more. Can,t wait to find out. Well done! The suspense is palpable.

11. INT – TRUCK – DAY
A discussion of mission and strategy with Howard, Sikowski and Ambrose about what is going on, as driver Chaz listens in. Sala remains silent. The only thing certain for Ambrose is that he has to get Howard, the truck and the mystery cargo to Mosul. James Howard is with a company called Blackwater, and demands they get him there ASAP.

11 ) I love that the goal is clearly established here. I was wondering where they are going. This scene came at the perfect time.
12. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Chaz drives on. SHOTS wake everyone in the back of the truck. One of the gasoline cans is tipped over and is leaking around someone’s boots.

12) (Wouldn’t someone smell the gas though? As an alternate scene, you could try something like this: everyone is out of the truck… As they are arguing…. Maybe they got a flat tired… the gasoline spills inside the truck… knowing a certain corporal likes to smoke when he is upset… as he approaches the truck with his smoke…. We think that,s it… the truck will explode, but he is stopped at the last second.This would add suspense)
(As Chaz drives, I’m reminded that I wasn’t sure why Chaz was driving in the first place. Why would aprisoner be driving? Is he still in handcuffed? )

13. INT – TRUCK – DAY.
Chaz wants to stop but they drive on.

13) (I was wondering in this scene: Why does he want to stop? What’s his state of mind? Does he not wanna go on because there is no good ending for him in Mosual? Consider having him confide and bong with one of the other prisoners. Maybe even forming alliance… and form a plan, like, let’s attack solders at the next stop, take the truck and save themselves?)

14. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
The group in the back trying not to succumb to sleep. The man in white is seen again. Howard has a vision and is killed in it. Gun fires and nails Howard through the skull, as in the hallucination.
• Horror Situation: a vision of Vlad Tsepes and has a nightmare of having his hat nailed to his head
• Horror emotions : Fear, Insanity.
• Scares: Hat nailed on his head.
• Releases: Just a dream?
• Monster reveals: No one is safe. Renew desire to get out of there.

14) The group in the back trying not to succumb to sleep. (Why? because they know bad things happen when they sleep? )
This is the big advantage of having a group in a horror movie: you can kill them one by one. It’s a great horror story so far. It fits the genre perfectly. Love the spooky vision of the man in white and not knowing what he is so far.

15. INT. – TRUCK – NIGHT.
Chaz needs a bathroom break. The survivors decide to drive until there is a place along the highway that they can pull over safely. Fight between Howard and Sitkowski and a thrown match falls into the leaking gas. Ambrose’s gas-soaked uniform is ignited and he, their presumed leader, dies in fire.

15) I like that they stop every once in awhile. In “road movies”, there’s always stops and it allows for a change of pace.
When you says “The survivors” It makes them sound like they are in the same boat together, working together. However, I feel there is an unbalance of power, because you have soldiers giving orders, and prisoners of war, and Chaz chained by handcuffs. Maybe change “the survivors” to “They” here. Or “The solders and the prisoners”. Once again, I’m not 100% I understand who is in truck. Who are the prisoners of war.
I love how the gas leak is used. However, I was wondering: one of them actually knows there’s gas and activiely throws a match, committing murder? Or is it an accident? Why is Ambrose uniform gas soaked? Not clear.

16. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT
Sikowski is touched by Gray. She in a room with the Nazi, Old and decaying. He puts the Luger in her mouth, but then gives her the luger. With broken bayonet he finishes the inscription on the truck wall: Wir sind die Holle. Zerstore UNS!.
• Horror Situation: BEING TORTURED BY A DEAD NAZI
• Horror emotions: Dread, apprehension.
• Scares: decayed re-appearance of Nazi corpse.
• Releases: Only a dream, but not really. . . (the not really is intriguing)
• Monster reveals: Somehow there is a way to destroy this truck . . .. . (how do they come to that conclusion following that scene?)

16) Oh, Sikowsky is a woman. I see. Didn’t realize it till now
German inscription = oooh! Cool! That part freaked me out! Well done. And you’ll tell us what it means later,hopefully?
Only a dream, but not really. . . = the not really is intriguing)
Somehow there is a way to destroy this truck . . .. . = how do they come to that conclusion following that scene?
17. INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
SIKOWSKI wakes up and the Afghan women translates from the German: We are Hell. Destroy US! Yes, Sala speaks fluent English and other languages. They put together what needs to happen.

17) Don’t understand why the powerful nazi ghosts would ask to be destroyed. Instead, what if there was a different message that only instilled more fear in the solders and made them fell hopeless, thinking they can never win? (kind of like a all in lost moment where they know they can’t win and want to stop trying)
18. EXT/INT – TRUCK – NIGHT.
Chaz, still driving, sees the beings of the truck clawing onto the exterior of the truck. He sees the bloodied Howard and burnt Ambrose.Truck runs over an IED, EXPLOSION. The survivors finish the job and burn the Truck.

18) Yay! I was cheering at the destruction of the truck.

19. EXT – DESERT – DAWN.
The next morning, the truck is again road worthy (the truck they just burned? Wouldn’t they be freaked out that it’s still there? Why would still go onboard? and waiting for them. Chaz heads into town. He drops off Sikowski, Sala, and Ali. He drives the truck into Mosul for the dropoff. Chaz sees all the entities haunting the truck, trying to prevent him from his goal. He is killed by a sniper’s bullet and the truck crashes.

19) The truck they just burned is back? Wouldn’t they be freaked out that it’s still there? Why would still go onboard?
Oh no! the main character dies! I feel sad. I was rooting for Chaz. I wanted him to conquer this

20. EXT – MOSUL STREET – DAY.
Resolution: Under US Surveillance, the WAR Surplus vehicle stands, yet again, pristine in the center of a Taliban stronghold. One of the Taliban fighters is lured to the truck, just as Chaz was. The cameras in the truck are still watching as the cycle starts again.

20) (Oh, okay. I understand why Chaz had to die. The circle must begin again. Or, alternatively, if you want, you can have Chaz be injured, be delirious and the army, thinking he’s gone insane, sends home on med leave… while the truck continues to find new victim)

21. EXT – MOSUL – DAY
Sikowski, Sala, and the baby trudge through the city with Howard’s bags of American Dollars, searching for a way out of the war zone.

21) (I must have missed the part where you mention Howards’s bags. And how they discovered it’s full of cash. We know very little about Sala in the outline, would be good to add a bit more. This way we are happy when they get the money, knowing it will help them and that at least something positive came out of this)
The mystery man (gray man) is never really explained. I thought he would play a bigger role… Maybe develop a potential origin story (eg. He was the mechanic of the original ambulance… that’s why it always comes back after you burn it… the mechanic guards it and makes it brand new…) Maybe he should be the guy they fight in the climax in the final battle. If they defeat him, they defeat the ambulance. (eg. Defeating him is the only way to kill the ambulance)

• This reply was modified 12 months ago by  j y.

[j y]

Hi Timothy,
I’m ready to exchange feedbacks on our outline, if you’re interested. I’ll try to give my comments by June 12.
Jessica

[j y]

Hi Timothy, I’m ready to exchange feedbacks on the outline,if you are.. I’ll try to get my feedback ready by June 12 2024.

[j y]

Was falling behind, but I just made a push to reach Lesson 10. I really have to stop thinking this outline needs to be perfect. After all, it’s just a tool, so we can work on the script.

[j y]

Hi Edward. That’s great! Love Save the Cat too — especially their new index cards system which features a board divided in four horizontal lines for the four acts. I hope I can be as productive as you in the future. Working on it. Happy writing!

[j y]

Thinking I might have made a mistake taking two classes at once (exhausting!), but the contents is great so totally worth it. I’m also willing to exchange on any horror related scripts anytime at tessinthewest@hotmail.com Happy writing!

[j y]

Hi Edward. Death Cleaning is feature-length script (currently at 104 pages, but I’m aiming to reduce it closer to 90). Working to come up with even scarier obstacles in Act 2. (I’ve also joined the Writing Terrifying Horror script class at the same time to increase the fear factor. Happy rewriting!

[j y]

Hi Ed. Really impressive story and 4 act structure. The beats are well thought of. There is an escalation of conflict leading to the climax. I like that your structure includes both the plot of your story and emotional journey of you characters. The motivations of the characters are clear. Well done.

[j y]

Hi Ed. Wow! 30 scripts. That’s impressive. How long does it take you to write a script? What’s your secret? Do you outline first?

[j y]

Hi Tasha. “I got bleach-bombed and grabbed by a ghost” seems like the inciting incident of a horror movie. (I love horror!) Wishing you a productive rewrite during the class.

[j y]

Amazing story! I would totally see this script made into a movie. The obstacles are clear and the conflict between the two characters are well established and very interesting. I hope your rewrite goes well.