Nick Walsh
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LESSON #15
Nick’s Horror Outline Version 1
What I learnt: It was fascinating to learn about Releases. I can see their importance in providing audience relief, no matter how small, to a scene with ongoing, and, sometimes, nauseating horror.
TITLE: Eyeballs
LOGLINE: Six young friends, on a week-end mountain bike adventure in the Sierras, get lost in an uncharted valley where there is no escape from a tribe of separately evolved humanoids who remove eyeballs to domesticate them.
1. OPENING CLOSE-UP
A hairy claw gouges an eyeball from a screaming head.HORROR SITUATION: A hairy claw plucks an eyeball from a screaming head.
TERROR: An eyeball is crudely extracted from a conscious head.
FEAR: Primal screaming; losing sight forever.
CREEPY: The unseen extractor is nonchalantly humming a tune.
ANGUISH: We feel his pain and watch helplessly.
RELEASE: The actual end of the gory scene.
MONSTER REVEAL: Only a claw-like hairy hand is revealed.2. EXT. DESERTED OFF-ROAD AREA – DAY
JOE, GENE, FRANK, LEE, MANNY, and SAMMY unload their mountain bikes and prepare for a weekend bike adventure in the Sierra range.3. SERIES OF SHOTS
Joe and Gene make a map of their trail discoveries in this uncharted region while the others trail-blaze, perform daring jump maneuvers with their bikes.4. EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Manny and Sammy, the two youngest, play games on their Iphones, while the others play dice and review the exciting day they had and the prospects for tomorrow.5. EXT. RURAL BAR – DAY
A dozen Harleys are parked in front. The boys park their bikes against building after a hot morning of riding and go in.6. INT. RURAL BAR – DAY
The local BIKER BROS gang sullenly observe the boys as they play dice on the pool table and want in.LATER
The boys amass a wad of the biker gangs’ money and can’t seem to lose. The biker gang accuses them of cheating. A DRUNK at the bar warns the boys of the danger they are in and offers to give them a ride outta there.HORROR SITUATION: The boys are threatened by a biker gang.
APPREHENSION: The boys just can’t stop winning and can see they are pissing off the gang.
FEAR: They will get beaten up and maimed.
PANIC: The biker gang accuses them of cheating.
RELEASE: The drunk at the bar offers them an escape.
MONSTER REVEAL: One of the bikers wears an eyepatch and looks very sinister. Is he the monster?7. EXT. BAR – DAY – ON PARKED VAN
The loaded camper peels off.8. INT. VAN – SAME
Joe’s missing.9. EXT./INT. VAN – CONTINUOUS
A fist knocks Joe sprawling through the front door; he scrambles up and jumps into the waiting camper. The drunk tosses cherry bombs at the bikers; peels away.10. INT. CAMPER – DAY
The drunk boasts that he once hanged the eye-patched Bros’ dog. He’s sliding all over the road.HORROR SITUATION: The boys are in the camper with a mad man.
FEAR: Are they going to get killed in a wreck?
REGRET: Who is this stranger? Should they worry?
CREEPY MOMENT: The drunk brags of hanging an innocent dog.
RELEASE: The drunk slows down to search a place to let them out.
MONSTER REVEAL: He has an eyeball hanging from his mirror. Could he be the monster?11. EXT. WINDY COUNTRY ROAD – DAY
The boys get out of the camper with their bikes and quickly hide in the forest to watch the Bros bikers rumble by looking for them.12. EXT. CAMPSITE – EVENING
Joe has lost the map he was making and now they have a ten mile gap besides, because of the camper ride.13. EXT. ROCKY FOREST TERRAIN – DAY
The boys are back at it: trail blazing, trick jumping, mapping.14. EXT. OLD LOGGING ROAD – DAY
The boys discover the drunk’s camper abandoned. They find the drunk camper hanging upside down from a tree branch skinned from head to toe and eyeless.HORROR SITUATION: The skinned, eyeless drunk hanging from a tree branch.
SHOCK: The discovery of the above.
FEAR: Could they be next?
SUSPENSE: Is whoever did this close by?
UNFOUNDED SUSPICION: It has to be the motorcycle gang that did this. Who else could it be? Must avoid them.
HORROR: The sight of a skinned, eyeless man who was alive just hours before.
PANIC: They desperately want to get away from there.
RELEASE: They agree to go no further, but to head back ASAP.
MONSTER REVEAL: The monster’s work on gory display, and it’s not the drunk’s. Is it the motorcycle gang seeking revenge?15. EXT. OLD LOGGING ROAD – LATER – SAME DAY
The boys follow the logging road on their bikes. Suddenly, they hear the beat of Harleys approaching. They bike into woods and make the decision to find their way through the woods to avoid the motorcycle gang.HORROR SITUATION: They hear Harleys and must escape into the forest where the gang can’t follow.
FEAR: They hear the sound of Harleys.
SUSPENSE: The Harleys get closer.
RELEASE: They escape through the forest.
MONSTER REVEAL: He is revealed as the sound of Harleys.16. EXT. RIVER CROSSING – DAY
One at a time, they ride over a huge, fallen Redwood tree log laying across a raging river. Manny shows off, slips, falls in, and is carried away in the swift current.17. RIVERBANK – LATER – SAME DAY
Sammy finds Manny’s bike helmet in the riverbank rocks. They hear horrific screaming downriver. Frank is beside himself with worry over Manny, his little brother.HORROR SITUATION: Sammy discovers Manny’s bike helmet, then they hear screaming downriver.
APPREHENSION: Could that screaming be Manny?
FEAR: Manny is being tortured.
SUSPENSE: They must get to him before it’s too late.
DREAD: What they will find?
MONSTER REVEAL: Is the monster torturing Manny?18. EXT. RIVERBANK – SAME DAY
From far away Sammy sees two humanoid creatures on two legs on a body hanging from a tree. They flee. It’s Manny hanging upside down from a tree half skinned and eyes gouged out. He’s barely alive. Frank must do the unthinkable: Mercy-kill his own brother with his gun.HORROR SITUATION: Manny is found half skinned and eyeless, but conscious.
HORROR: Manny’s torso skin is pulled over his face, like the skinning was interrupted.
FEAR: Whoever Sammy saw must be nearby
ANGUISH: To put Manny out of his misery.
DREADED SUSPENSE: Will Frank shoot his beloved brother?
RELEASE: Frank shoots his brother in the head. It’s over.
MONSTER REVEAL: Is this the odious work of the two human-like creatures Sammy saw from a distance? Were they part of the motorcycle gang?19. EXT. FOREST TRAIL – DAY
The boys are depressed and argumentative as they try to figure a way out. They follow a well-used path. Frank has gone silent; carries Manny’s dead body on his back, refuses to leave him.20. EXT. EDGE OF CLEARING – DAY
The boys stand astride their bikes at the edge of the woods observing a stone age hut before them. A small woman and a child, carrying hand baskets, exit the front door and head for a livestock building behind the hut.21. EXT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
Joe, Gene, Lee, and Sammy approach cautiously. Joe looks in through the front door.22. INT. MONSTER’S HUT – SAME
Mobiles of eyeballs hang from the horizontal ceiling beams. Two small humanoids, with their backs to us: One working with eyeballs at a bench; the other, scraping human hide. They sniff the air, spin around as one, and glare menacingly at the boys in the doorway.They are mis-shaped proto-humanoids with beaver-like teeth and orange skin wearing frilled human skins. The boys leap onto their their bikes, and haul ass.
HORROR SITUATION: They are caught looking into the monster’s lair.
HORROR: The monster’s shocking features; and wearing garments of human skin.
FEAR: Of this creature; the unknown.
TERROR: What that creature might do to them if caught.
PANIC: They pedal away as fast as they can.
MONSTER. REVEAL: We see the monster for the first time in all his ugliness,… and he sees us.23. EXT. MONSTER’S HUT – CONTINUOUS
Joe, Gene, Lee, and Sammy jump on their bikes and pedal off at panic speed. The two monsters give speedy foot chase and smash Lee and Gene across their heads with clubs. Lee and Gene tumble off their bikes unconscious.
Sammy and Joe make it to the relative safety of the woods and look back at the monsters dragging Lee and Gene into the hut.24. EXT. WOODS – DAY
Joe, in shock, defers to Frank, a Marine veteran, who has a gun and who won’t leave without Lee and Gene, alive or dead. But Frank confesses he threw his gun away after shooting Manny. Sammy volunteers to go back to find it.
Joe suggests to Frank that they bury Manny because he’s starting to rot and stink. Frank won’t hear of it. He’s going to continue to haul the body on his back.25. INT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
Lee and Gene are hogtied in chairs. They are terrified as the monsters gaze into their eyes, appraising them. The monsters talk gutturally [translated on screen]. They admire the fine eye specimens and the muscular shape of the two. They discuss getting rid of the old “bull” and replacing him with Lee and Gene.Lee is retied to a slab and his eyes are gouged out and the optic nerves snipped. Gene is petrified with horror when it’s his turn.
HORROR SITUATION: Lee and Gene get their eyeballs gouged out.
SUSPENSE: We kinda know, but dread what’s about to happen.
DREAD: The idea of having one’s eyes gouged out.
PARALYZING FEAR: Gene is paralyzed in fear when it’s his turn.
PANIC: Lee fights against restraint and the inevitable gouging.
HORROR: Helplessness in the face of cruel indifference.
RELEASE: None.
MONSTER REVEAL: They collect eyeballs.26. EXT. WOODS – SAME
Frank and Joe cringe as they listen helplessly to the screams from the hut.27. EXT. FOREST – DAY
We follow Sammy as he races down oxbow paths and leaps ravines and catapults off rocks.28. EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY
Sammy drops his bike and searches through the grasses. He espies the Glock, picks it up, and throws it into his backpack. He hears a voice shouting to him from across the river.It’s the motorcycle gang with the drunk’s skinned body tied to motorcycle trailer. They want Sammy to cross to them. He takes off back into the forest.
29. EXT. EDGE OF WOODS – DAY – INCLUDE MONSTER’S HUT
Frank and Joe watch as the monsters guide the wobbly-legged, dazed Lee and Gene onto the veranda. Their eyes are now bloody holes. Frank gets an attack of PTSD. Joe calms him.30. EXT. FOREST – DAY
Sammy races through the forest on his bike, confident in his expert skills. The bike slips on some wet moss and Sammy crashes to the ground just as an obsidian machete whizzes by his descending head and embeds into another tree. A booby trap.We see the Glock slide out of the backpack and into a badger hole. Sammy puts the machete into his backpack.
31. EXT. EDGE OF WOODS – DAY – INCLUDE MONSTER’S HUT
The monsters guide the wobbly Gene and Lee into the stock barn behind the hut. Joe rashly decides to retrieve Lee and Gene’s fallen bikes near the hut.He gets to the bikes, but, being in the open, must drop as the monsters step out of the barn. When they turn to lock it, Joe sprints to the protective corner of the hut.
32. EXT. HUT – EVENING
The monsters #1 and #2 step onto the veranda and stop. #2 sniffs the air, senses Joe. Joe stays ahead and hidden behind the corners from monster #2 as he sniffs his way around the hut back to the veranda. Joe slips inside the hut behind the waiting back of #1 as #2 steps back onto the veranda. Together, they enter the hut.HORROR SITUATION: Joe plays cat and mouse with monster #2, then slips into the hut—a trap where horror happens.
SUSPENSE: Can Joe stay ahead of #2’s sniffing nose without being seen? And, will #1 stay turned with his back to him before he can slip inside the hut without detection?
DREAD: Joe is trapped in the hut with the monsters.
FEAR: Joe will be caught.
ANGUISH: Frank is powerless to help Joe.
RELEASE: Joe is undiscovered for the moment.
MONSTER REVEAL: The monsters have a keen sense of smell.33. EXT. EDGE OF WOODS – SAME
Frank can’t believe his eyes as he watches Joe enter the hut and the monsters go in after him. He suddenly feels abandoned and alone with only his dead brother to talk to, to comfort him.34. INT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
Monsters #1 and #2 at workbench working on eyeballs. Woman monster and monster child enter with baskets full of blackberries and dump them on the table. The woman monster’s neck is adorned with an eyeball necklace.Woman monster sniffs, smells Joe somewhere. She searches, eyes every nook and cranny. But, no Joe. They conclude it must be lingering odors from Lee and Gene.
We look up to the rafters, see Joe stretched lengthwise along one of them, as still as a dusty stick, dreading they will look up.
35. INT. STOCK BARN – EVENING
Three eyeless man, GREGORY, MIKE, and BILLY comfort the terrified Lee and Gene. Gregory, the so-called old “Bull”, tells them they will get used to their condition in time… and the food is good.
He says they can never escape without eyes because they can’t see the unfamiliar territory and there’s no electrical communications. They are in a hidden remnant of the stone age. Gene is hopeful they will be saved by Joe or Frank.HORROR SITUATION: Gene and Lee are apparently stuck here forever.
ANGUISH/REGRET: This wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t come on this stupid ride.
SHOCK: That they could be stuck here for the rest of their lives.
RELEASE: The food is good.
MONSTER REVEAL: They consider human sapiens as livestock for food and clothing (like the buffalo were to the plains Indians).36. INT. HUT – EVENING
Joe is frozen on the ceiling beam, observing the monsters eat at the table below. They are noisily noshing on human excrement—a staple. Joe almost gives himself away with a repeated noiseless gag reflex.MONSTER SITUATION: Joe is just a gag away from being noticed.
FEAR: Joe fears he will be noticed at any moment.
SUSPENSE: Will Joe give himself away with a muffled gag?
MONSTER REVEAL: The monsters eat shit as a family unit, complete with table conversation.37. EXT. EDGE OF CLEARING – DUSK
Sammy arrives back. Now they can rescue Joe and the others with the gun, but Sammy discovers he must have lost it when he crashed.They observe the three adult monsters leave the hut and head to the barn. They decide to go to see what happened to Joe.
38. INT. HUT – EVENING
Joe, with deliberate slowness, oozes down from the beam onto the table unnoticed by the monster child playing with bones on the floor.. Sammy and Frank burst in. The monster child sees them. They are forced to take him hostage.39. INT. BARN – EVENING
The monsters are feeding the blind men on the board from a pail. They hear monster child in distress. Woman monster leaves.40. INT. HUT – EVENING
Woman monster looks around for monster child. She worries and leaves.41. EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
The monster child rebels and bites Sammy. They restrain him and guard him.42. INT. BARN – NIGHT
Woman monster enters and tells the other two monsters that the child monster is missing. They dismiss it, saying he’s probably gone to his friends house for the night. They leave.The eyeless “Bull” reveals that there are more monsters living nearby… and more eyeless humans working the fields as slaves, etc.
43. EXT. EDGE OF CLEARING – NIGHT
Joe, Frank, and Sammy watch the three monsters enter the hut. Joe and Frank sneak up to the barn and go in.44. INT. BARN – NIGHT
Joe and Frank make a plan to escape with Lee and Gene. Joe and Frank must hide when the monsters come back and take eyeless “Bull” away. The listen to the “Bull” screaming from a distance outside somewhere.HORROR SITUATION: The monsters return and take the “Bull”away.
FEAR: What’s going to happen to him… and them?
SUSPENSE: Will Joe and Frank get caught?
CREEPY MOMENT: Woman monster plucks maggots from Lee’s infected eye and crams a glob of ointment into the eye socket..
MONSTER REVEAL: They show a degree of caring.45. EXT. BARN – NIGHT
After the screaming has stopped, Joe and Frank lead Lee and Gene out of the barn. They bump into the hanging, skin-stripped carcass of the Bull.HORROR SITUATION: They bump into the stripped, dead body of the Bull.
SHOCK: The sudden appearance of the hanging Bull in the dark.
FEAR: If they get caught, they may get skinned alive.
SUSPENSE: Will they make it out? Their escape is hindered by the eyeless Lee and Gene.
HORROR: The stripped body of the Bull.
RELEASE: They run into the night, apparently undetected.
MONSTER REVEAL: Their handiwork.46. EXT. EDGE OF CLEARING – NIGHT
They wait until dawn. Dense fog. They push their bikes while leading eyeless Lee and Gene higher up the piedmont to get out of it. The child monster escapes from Sammy.47. EXT. FOREST – DAY
Fog thinning. They are now pedaling their bikes. Frank has the dead Manny strapped to his back. Eyeless Lee is riding on the seat behind Sammy. Eyeless Gene is riding on the seat behind Joe. A monster suddenly appears out of the fog and snatches Lee away. They have to keep going.HORROR SITUATION: A monster snatches Lee off Sammy’s bike.
FEAR: Who’s next?
SUSPENSE: Will they make it away without more snatches?
PANIC: Must move faster. They feel helpless with their burdens.
MONSTER REVEAL: We see a monster appear out of nowhere, snatch Lee, and disappear into the fog with him.48. EXT. FOREST – DAY
Sammy leaps a log in the path. Joe goes around it, leaning foreword, pedaling with all he’s got. His bike its a tripwire. An obsidian machete sweeps over him and takes Gene’s head off.HORROR SITUATION: Gene is decapitated.
FEAR: Are there more booby traps?
PANIC: Joe panics at his near miss.
SUSPENSE: Will they make it out now that the monsters are around them?
MONSTER REVEAL: They are clever.49. EXT. FOREST – LATER – SAME DAY
Joe, Sammy, and Frank race along the mountainside. Suddenly, monsters shower them with stones from above. Joe is knocked unconscious off his bike as Frank and Sammy flee out of range.HORROR SITUATION: Monsters throwing rocks at them.
FEAR: They will get hit?
PANIC: Joe is left behind; can’t be saved under the circumstances?
SUSPENSE: Who will survive?
MONSTER REVEAL: They are determined nobody gets away.50. EXT. CLIFFTOP – DAY
A monster gives chase and knocks Frank from his bike. Frank frantically removes a can of fire starter from the side of his backpack as the monster furiously buzzes his skin off with its incisors. Frank finally kicks the monster away as he finds his lighter while squirting the monster with the fire starer fluid.He ignites the monster. The monster stands and stares at the flames consuming its body. Frank scoots away, the skin on his left pec completely peeled off, and hurries over to his bike.
The monster stands there and burns for a minute, then chases after Frank, grabs him and hugs him. Both are aflame. The monster lets goes as Frank collapses screaming and burns to death with Manny afire on his back.
The monster wipes the flames off himself like wiping off dust. He now has his eyes set on Sammy, who is frozen in horror, but not for long as the monster runs toward him.
HORROR SITUATION: Frank is set afire by the monster he lit up.
HORROR: Frank on fire.
FEAR: Sammy is paralyzed with fear. Will he get out of it in time?.
PANIC: What can Sammy do, but run and hope?
SUSPENSE: With the monster approaching for one final kill, will Sammy get away?
HORROR: A threesome—monster, Frank, and Manny—aflame.
MONSTER REVEAL: They’re immune to fire.51. EXT. CLIFF’S EDGE – DAY
Sammy does incredible bike maneuvers to evade the chasing monster who is hot on his tail with Sammy’s every move. Sammy flies over a hundred-foot cliff and disappears into the river below. The monster does not follow.HORROR SITUATION: Being chased by a monster determined to kill you.
FEAR: Getting caught.
SUSPENSE: Close calls when other monsters join in the chase.
RELEASE: Sammy is saved by the river water.
MONSTER REVEAL: They’re afraid to death of water, their Achilles’’ Heel.52. EXT RIVERBANK – DAY
Sammy lies washed up against rocks of the riverbank. He’s saved by the motorcycle gang, who we first thought were the monsters.HORROR SITUATION: The motorcycle gang finds Sammy.
FEAR: They will hurt him.
PANIC: Sammy is trapped.
SUSPENSE: After all Sammy’s been through, what now?
MONSTER BEVEAL: The motorcycle gang is not affiliated with the monsters. Instead, they tried to warn Sammy, et al.53. INT. SAMMY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Sammy has a nightmare that has a different conclusion to the horror he experienced. He dies, but wakes up.54. INT. MONSTERS’ HUT – DAY
Monster domesticity; family peacefully eating shit.55. INT. MONSTER’S FIELD – DAY
Eyeless Joe harnessed in a row of paired eyeless guys pulling a plow under the whip and reins of their monster master.HORROR SITUATION: Joe is now a slave for life to the monsters.
FEAR: Going crazy.
DREAD: That day when, either through misconduct or old age,. he will be skinned alive.
RELEASE: He’s safe, for now.
MONSTER REVEAL: They are farmers.FADE OUT
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LESSON #14
Nick’s Scary-as-Hell Scene
What Learnt: I’m finding that some of these techniques are happening naturally in the course of the drama. I didn’t label them, but they are obvious as the despair increases.
Scene:
INT. STOCK BARN – EVENING
Stalls occupy one side of the barn. Across from it, on the other side, is a long wide board on barrels.
Three eyeless man, GREGORY, MIKE, and BILLY are lounging in the center of the large open area between the stalls and the board quietly listening to Lee and Gene as they sob in despair in their stalls.
Gregory, the elder of the eyeless men, stands and limps unerring to Gene’s stall. He reaches out and touches Gene on the shoulder.
Gene recoils and scoots away in fear, trembling.
GENE
No, no-no, no…
GREGORY
Don’t be afraid. You’re with us now.
Gene is stunned for a beat, regaining some composure.
GENE
Wh-Who are you?
GREGORY
I’m a captive, just like you, and I’m here to tell you, things will get better.
Gene reaches out with his hand, searching, and finds Gregory’s face. He touches around the head, the long hair and beard, the mouth, then the eyes. He flinches, jerks back his hand.
GREGORY
Yes, I’m sightless, as I assume you are. But don’t be afraid.
GENE
Don’t be afraid? I didn’t ask to be blinded.
(getting angry)
Who are these freaks?
Lee stands up in his five-foot high stall, feeling his way up the side, looks over to the direction of the conversation.
LEE
Gene? Who’re you talking to?
Gregory turns his head towards Lee.
GREGORY
Welcome to your new home. My name is Gregory.
LEE
I-I’m Lee.
Gregory reaches his hand over the stall to Lee’s face and touches him. Lee flinches.
GREGORY
(chuckles)
I know. It’ hard at first. You’ll get used to it.
GENE
Used to it? Are you crazy?
LEE
Do you have anything for pain?
GREGORY
As we’ve all learned, nature will take your pain away in time.
GENE
Time? How long have you been here?
Gregory turns to Gene’s voice.
GREGORY
What year is it?
GENE
Twenty twenty five.
GREGORY
Wow. Time flies. I’ve been here since nineteen ninety eight.
LEE
What? You’ve been here twenty seven years? Oh, no…
Lee is stricken by the thought of never getting back to civilization and home.
GREGORY
Yeah. I was forty years old when I wandered into this place.
A pregnant pause as Gene and Lee are momentarily horrified by the thought of being here one more day, much less forever.
GENE
You said, “us.” How many more of you are there?
GREGORY
Two more.
(to the other two)
Hey, Mike. Billy. Come over here and meet our new brothers.
Mike and Billy walk unerringly over to Gregory.
GREGORY
Mike. Billy. This is Lee.
They feel Lee’s face. Lee flinches, but allows it.
MIKE
Hi, Lee. Welcome.
BILLY
Good to meet you, Lee.
Gregory turns to Gene.
GREGORY
And this is… Sorry, I didn’t catch your name.
GENE
I didn’t give it to you… Gene.
Mike and Billy reach out, touch Gene’s face. Gene flinches.
MIKE
Nice to meet you, Gene.
BILLY
Welcome.
GREGORY
They’ll be here to feed us soon. You’ll like the food.
LEE
I don’t care a rat’s ass about the damn food. I just want outta here and get to a hospital.
He breaks down.
GREGORY
Sorry to hear that. But the sooner you accept your fate, the more tolerable it will be, and after a year or so, you won’t even miss your old life, I promise.
(to Mike and Billy)
Isn’t that right, guys?
BILLY
Yup.
Lee sinks in despair and wails.
GREGORY
Sorry, but that’s the way it is. Accept it, or die.
GENE
Haven’t you’ve ever tried to escape?
GREGORY
Tried? Of course I tried. But where do you go without sight? Nothing’s familiar. I was lost when I stumbled across this place with my seeing eyes.
GENE
What happened?
GREGORY
I estimate I got maybe a quarter mile from here, bumping into trees and tripping over rocks when they caught me. I got the beating of my life and they cut off my heels and toes.
Lee wails at hearing that.
GREGORY
Mike here also tried to leave and was caught, too. Same punishment. I’m just trying to save you the trouble of trying. You can’t do it without eyeballs. So, unless you got somebody with eyeballs to find you. You’re here forever.
GENE
We do… I think.xxx
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LESSON #13
Nick’s Scares, Releases, and Creepy Moments
What I learnt: I’ve pretty much exhausted my outline because of new ideas I get writing scenes, I’m headed in another, better direction than from the start. The initial outline was a general outline that provided the rails. As I get into specifics, something else rears it horrific head and I go that way to see where it lands me.
EXT. EDGE OF CLEARING – DAY – INCLUDE MONSTER’S HUT
Joe and Frank watch as the monsters throw buckets of water into Gene and Lee’s faces.
The monsters lead them off the veranda towards the stock barn behind the hut.
They unlock the barn door and push Gene and Lee into it and follow them in.
JOE
Wait here. I better retrieve the bikes while they’re in the barn, before they get any other ideas.
Joe runs low and gets to the bikes as the monsters exit the barn. Joe flattens himself to the ground and panics as he watches them through the high grass.
JOE
(sotto, to himself)
Shit, shit, shit…
The monsters turn and lock the door with a length of board.
Joe sprints to the closest shelter–the hut–and presses himself against the outside wall off the veranda. He sneaks a daring peek around the corner. The monsters, approaching.
He ducks back in, his eyes darting with fear, uncertainty.
The monsters step onto the veranda and stop. #2 sniffs the air, senses something. He walks to the other end of the veranda and looks around the corner where Joe was a moment ago and peeks around it. No Joe.
#2 steps off the veranda, his curiosity peaked. He walks along the side to the back corner.
Joe runs to the opposite back corner of the hut and disappears around it as #2 rounds the other back corner sniffing the air.
Sensing he’s onto something, he stomps to the back corner Joe just disappeared around.
Joe dashes along the side of the hut to the opposite veranda corner from whence he started. He peeks around it. #1 is standing at the opposite corner with his back to Joe.
MONSTER #1
(to #2, unseen)
(translated)
“See anything?”
#2 rounds the back corner as Joe disappears around the veranda corner.
Joe creeps along the veranda wall and slips through the main door into the hut just as #2 steps back onto the veranda and #1 turns to #2.
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“Nothing, huh?”
MONSTER #2
(translated)
“Funny. The smell must be stuck in my nose memory.”
Giving up, they enter the hut.
EXT. EDGE OF CLEARING – SAME
Frank can’t believe his eyes as he watches Joe enter the hut and the monsters go in after him. He feels alone with only his dead brother to comfort him.
FRANK
Now Joe’s gone, too. It’s just you and me, brother, and Sammy, if he makes it back… Joe was right. I should never have thrown away my gun. If I still had it, I would use it to join you, Manny.
He looks off.
FRANK
Why couldn’t he have left the damned bikes be. There’s nobody to ride them now, anyway.
INT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
Monsters #1 and #2 share the workbench working on the newly taken eyeballs. Woman monster and monster child enter with baskets full of blackberries and dump them on the table. The woman monster’s neck is adorned with an eyeball necklace.
WOMAN MONSTER
(translated)
“The cattle will be well fed tonight.”
MONSTER #2
(translated)
“We got two more to feed. They came right to our doorstep. Can you believe it? Two got away. We’ll look for them tomorrow. So, count on four altogether.”
WOMAN MONSTER
(translated)
“That will certainly help with the chores around here.”
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“We decided to slaughter the old bull, so we’ll be using them to clear the back forty and do the field work.”
Woman monster wrinkles her hairy, pugged nose.
WOMAN MONSTER
(translated)
“What’s that smell?”
MONSTER #2
(translated)
“Aha, you smell it, too.”
Woman monster looks around behind the skin easel and under the bed.
WOMAN MONSTER
(translated)
“Funny. The smell is right in front of me somewhere.”
She turns around slowly, eyeing every nook and cranny.
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“We had two cattle in here just a little while ago. That’s what you’re probably smelling.”
MONSTER #2
(translated)
“You’re probably right. Lingering odor. They were awfully sweaty and stinky.”
WOMAN MONSTER
(translated)
“That must be it.”
During this, Joe is stretched lengthwise along a rafter, as still as a dusty stick, dreading they will look up.
xxx -
LESSON #12
Nick’s Level 3 Horror Emotion Scene
What I Learnt: By showing the actions of the tormentor and the victim, you can emote horror to the audience.
CONCEPT: Six twenty-something buddies go on a week-end mountain bike adventure in the Sierras and end up getting lost, only to become prey to a pre-history tribe who collects eyeballs.
ACT 3
EXT. EDGE OF CLEARING – DAY
Joe, Gene, Frank, Lee, and Sammy stand astride their bikes at the edge of the woods observing the strange hut before them. More huts are scattered down the valley. Frank is hauling his dead brother, Manny, tied to his back
A woman and a child, carrying hand baskets, e. xit the front door and head for the opposite woods, past a clothesline with dishwater-gray clothes hanging from it.
LEE
Finally, some semblance of civilization.
GENE
Probably one of those doomsday wing nut cults.
SAMMY
Maybe they’ll know how to get outta here to avoid the motorcycle gang.
LEE
It never hurts to ask. People are always glad to help strangers.
JOE
The door’s open. We could see if anybody is at home.
GENE
I think I saw someone moving inside.
SAMMY
I did, too.
JOE
Okay, then.
(to Frank)
Frank, you better stay here with Manny. No telling how they might react to…you know….
FRANK
I hear ya. I’ll wait.
JOE
Okay, then. Let’s check it out.
They bike towards the hut.
EXT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
The hut is a permanent woodland structure made of stones and sticks. The roof is made of bright stretched skins. It has a veranda, a front door and windows covered with skin blinds.
Joe, Gene, Lee, and Sammy approach cautiously. Joe peers through the front door.
INT. MONSTER’S HUT – SAME
What Joe sees: The back of a man working at a workbench. Hanging from necklace strings in front of him are blue irised eyeball pendants encased in amber. Off to the side, another man with his back to us is scraping on a stretched hide. They are both dressed in stylish hides.
Suddenly, the man at the bench spins around and glares menacingly at Joe.
Joe is startled by the sudden action and at the sight of an inbred proto-human with a mis-shaped, orange, bristled head glaring back at him with coal-black, soul-less, hooded eyes.
His upturned pug nose is choked with snotty hairs. A chinless jaw with rat-like, yellow incisors chatter, as if sensing prey.
Eyeball medallions dangle from his urn-handle ears, infested with waxy hair plugs.
The others look in, in reaction to Joe, and are momentarily stunned and horrified by the sight.
The other monster turns and growls menacingly.
EXT. MONSTER’S HUT – CONTINUOUS
Joe, Gene, Lee, and Sammy jump back.
JOE
Let’s get the fuck outta here.
They hop on their bikes and pedal off with all that panic can move them, but it’s not enough for the two slowest.
The two monsters run with uncommon jerky speed after them, knock Lee and Gene off their bicycles with clubs, and drag them unconscious back to the hut by their heels.
Joe and Sammy stop, out of breath, watch, then hurry on towards the woods.
EXT. WOODS – DAY
Sammy stammers as he relates to Frank what happened.
SAMMY
…th-then they dragged them back to the hut, like dead game…I-I’ve never seen anything run so fast.
(to Joe)
What are we gonna do? I’m scared shitless.
Joe is confused, anxious, scared.
JOE
I-I don’t know. At this point, we don’t know if they’re dead or alive, do we?
SAMMY
What if they come looking for us?
Too many unanswerable questions makes Joe irritable.
JOE
I just don’t know! Let me think.
He passes the baton to Frank.
JOE
Frank, help me. What do you think?
FRANK
We can’t just leave them there without knowing what happened to them. We’re going to have to find a way to go back, without being noticed this time.
SAMMY
You got your gun. We can shoot them.
FRANK
I threw it away.
JOE
When did you do that?
FRANK
Right after I killed….
The memory’s to painful to repeat.
SAMMY
Where?
FRANK
I tossed it into the weeds on the riverbank.
JOE
Why? Didn’t you think we might need it with the motorcycle gang after us? Jesus!
FRANK
NO!…No, I didn’t. It’s how I felt at the time, okay? I wanted nothing more to do with the gun that killed my brother…You could have brought your own if you weren’t such a ditz.
A pregnant pause as Joe reflects on Frank’s words.
JOE
Sorry, Frank. I hear ya now.
FRANK
You’re alright.
SAMMY
I can ride back and get it.
JOE
Do you remember the way?
SAMMY
Oh, yeah. I never forget where I’ve been. I’m good at retracing. I’ll find it.
FRANK
It’s a little downstream from where we were. It didn’t land in the water, I know that.
JOE
Okay, Sammy. Get back as fast as you can. Be very careful. Keep an eye out.
SAMMY
Be back before you know it.
Frank and Joe watch him as he pedals off. An uncomfortable moment of silence.
JOE
Frank, I’ve been thinking.
FRANK
Now what?
JOE
It’s delicate, and I would understand if you don’t want to hear it.
FRANK
Let me make it easy for you. You want me to dump Manny.
JOE
I wouldn’t have said it like that, but…yeah…at least bury him.
FRANK
How would you have said it?
JOE
It doesn’t matter. It’s been said. I’m thinking that if we get chased by these motherfuckers….
FRANK
I’m not leaving Manny, and that’s that. If it kills me, so be it.
INT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
Lee and Gene are still unconscious, now sitting at a table hogtied in chairs with strips of woven leather. Monster #1 passes a clump of herbs under their noses and they awaken.
They struggle against their binds, frantically glancing about in panic trying to figure out what’s happening to them.
The monsters speak in primitive guttural sounds.
MONSTER #1
(chuckles)
(translated)
“They come to us now. Easy hunting.”
MONSTER #2
(translated)
“The pen is full. Nobody will starve.”
They hover by turns over Lee, then Gene, looking deeply into their eyes, as if looking for a joint prognosis.
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“Which one do you want?”
MONSTER #2
(translated)
“I like the hazel eyed one. Dazzling colors. Goes with anything.”
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“That one’s my favorite, too. We’ll spin for them.”
Monster #1 selects an amber-encased eyeball from his workbench and places it in the middle of the table. Lee and Gene exchange looks of terror.
GENE
What the fuck are they doing?
LEE
Their going to kill us. I just know it.
GENE
Shut up, Lee.
MONSTER #1
(translated)
(to Monster #2)
“You first.”
Monster #2 spins the eyeball. The iris points to him.
MONSTER #2
(jovial laugh)
(translated)
“Oops. My bad. Your turn.”
Monster #1 spins. The iris points to Gene.
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“Shee-it! Looks like you win. Take him.”
Monster #2 goes around the table and rough-handles Lee over to a stone slab, forces him into it so the back of his head fits into the cavity of a stone donut pillow. He then brings a strap around from under the stone pillow and over his neck.
LEE
What are you doi…Aaagh!
Monster #2 cinches the strap tightly over his throat to firm his head into place. Lee chokes.
Monster #1 hands him an obsidian blade. #2 proceeds to remove Lee’s eye. He buries two fingers on each side of the eyeball until it pops out. He cuts away the attached optic nerve with the obsidian blade.
He hands Lee’s eyeball to #1 who holds it up, admiring it.
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“That’s going to make a beautiful pendant for your squeeze.”
During this procedure Lee is kicking and screaming. Gene stares goggle-eyed in shock.
MONSTER #2
(translated)
“Why do they squeal so much?”
MONSTER #1
(translated)
“It’s not from pain. They don’t feel any. I figure they don’t like to be tied up.”
Lee passes out as his other eye is removed.
MINUTES LATER
Lee is back in the chair eyeless, head drooped, unconscious.
Gene stares wildly at the monsters as he is pulled from his chair. He screams from the depths of his being.
GENE
NO…NO…NO…
EXT. WOODS – SAME
Frank and Joe listen helplessly.
EXT. FOREST – DAY
We follow Sammy as he rides as fast as he can, up inclines, around tight oxbows at edges of steep ravines, twisting downhill paths. Through his GoPro, we see his front wheel move jerkingly back and forth to stay balanced and on track.
EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY
Sammy drops his bike and searches through the grasses. He espies the Glock, picks it up, and puts it into his backpack.
VOICE
Hey! You!
Sammy starts, looks across the river.
INCLUDE OPPOSITE RIVERBANK
The motorcycle gang from the bar is gathered there. We can see the dead skinned body of the drunk tied onto a pull-behind motorcycle trailer.
BRO WITH EYEPATCH
What are you doing? Where are your pals?
SAMMY
None of your business.
BRO WITH EYEPATCH
How did you get over there?
Sammy runs to his bike and jumps on.
BRO WITH EYEPATCH
Better get over here if you value your life.
Sammy takes off into the forest. -
LESSON 11
Nick’s Level 2 Horror EmotionWhat I learnt: You can move the audience profoundly with dread.
ACT 2
EXT. RIVER CROSSING – DAY
A huge, fallen redwood tree spans a hundred-foot gap from bank to bank over a raging river below. Joe, Frank, Gene, Lee, Manny, and Sammy approach it on their mountain bikes and stop by the fallen tree.
JOE
Whatdaya think?
LEE
Looks dangerous to me.
MANNY
Piece o’ cake.
GENE
Looks safe enough. You could ride two abreast across it.
SAMMY
Just don’t look down.
GENE
That’s what we’re looking for: Challenges, isn’t it?
JOE
Right.
LEE
I’d feel safer on the other side.
FRANK
Motorcycles would pay hell crossing here.
JOE
Good point. We will still be following the river.
SAMMY
Let me go first.
JOE
Okay, then. We cross here. Lead the way Sammy…and be careful.
Sammy climbs a steep berm and is on the huge log. He rears up on his bike, does a 360, and wheels on one wheel across the log with ease. He calls back to the others.
SAMMY
Nothing to it.
Gene, Joe, then Frank ride their bikes across. Lee walks his. Once Lee is across, Manny jumps onto the log with his bike, rears up and starts one-wheeling across.
A third of the way across he drops and raises up onto his front wheel and attempts a 360, but the bike is off balance and crashes. Manny tumbles into the river.
FRANK
Manny!
The boys stare aghast as the river current carries Manny swiftly away downstream. His head bobs in the galloping waves as his arms try to splash towards the bank. He vanishes around the bend.
SAMMY
Come on. Let’s go.
Sammy takes off on his bike along the riverbank, Frank hard on his tail. The rest following.
LATER – SAME DAY – RIVERBANK
Joe, Gene, Sammy, and Frank wait for Lee to catch up as they scan the length of the river. Sammy sees something. He steps down the rocky embankment and picks up Manny’s bike helmet wedged between two rocks. He climbs back up with it.
SAMMY
Manny’s helmet.
Frank takes it from him. He stares at it with dread and anticipatory grief.
FRANK
(to himself)
Manny, you fucking idiot.
JOE
As far as we know, he’s still okay. Keep checking the banks as we go.
Sammy takes off. The rest follow.
LATER – SAME DAY
Sammy, Frank, Joe, Gene, and Lee are looking over a log pile in the river. Suddenly, they hear SCREAMING echoing in the far distance. They look at each other alarmed and somewhat relieved.
FRANK
That’s Manny. He’s alive.
(shouts out)
MANNY! WE’RE COMING.
They jump back on their bikes and hurry towards the sound.
LATER – SAME DAY
Joe, Frank, Sammy, Gene, and Lee are gathered on a rocky riverbank. The screaming has stopped.
FRANK
MANNY! WHERE ARE YOU?
SAMMY
MANNY!…MANNY!
FRANK
Come on. We’ve got to be close.
They take off.
EXT. RIVERBANK – SAME DAY
Joe, Frank, Lee, Gene, and Sammy stare off in dread. A body hangs upside down from a tree branch. It is partially skinned from the waist to the shoulders and peeled over its head, like a bloody T-shirt half pulled over the head.
FRANK
NO. No, no, no….
He trembles with trepidation as he approaches it. The others stand back. They all know who it must be and dread finding out. Lee vomits.
Frank reaches out and lifts the skin from over the face. The eyes are empty bloody holes. He drops to his knees screaming.
FRANK
No…no..not Manny.
He curls up, sobbing.
MANNY
(moans)
Kill me.
Frank is startled.
FRANK
Manny. You’re alive.
The others approach.
MANNY
Frank…Kill me.
FRANK
What are you saying?
MANNY
Kill me. Please.
Frank stands slowly, looking like a mad man.
SAMMY
(sobbing)
What are we gonna do?
Joe comes up beside Frank, puts his arms around him. Frank weeps, then gives Joe a pathetic, lost look.
FRANK
Help me, Joe. You’re a vet. What would you do?
JOE
I-I’m sorry, Frank. His prospects for living much longer are not good. Skin is the largest and most important organ of the body. You can’t live without it. It protects you from dehydration and infections and contains your sensory nerves. He has none of that now, and won’t have. If an animal lost that much skin, we would put it down, if it wasn’t dead already. And without eyes…. The merciful thing would be to do as he says. I’m so sorry, Frank. I wish I could give you hope, but that’s the way it is. I don’t know what else I can do or say.
Frank nods silently. He walks over to his bike. He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a Glock. He cocks it.
He pauses for a moment with eyes closed, mustering the courage, then opens them and walks determinedly over to Manny.
He kneels and puts the gun to Manny’s head.
MANNY
Thank you, brother.
Frank starts sobbing and trembling. He can’t do it, then…
BLAM!
Frank drops the smoking gun and collapses to the ground writhing with sobbing and screaming. -
Nick’s Level 1 Horror Emotion Scene
What I learnt: Although I deviated from a character’s assigned traits, he chose a path of his own.
CLOSE-UP
A hairy, arthritic claw-of-a-hand nonchalantly scoops an eyeball from a screaming victim’s face with a piece of black obsidian. He mumble-sings in a strange, guttural lingo while he works–oddly to a familiar tune that evidently pre-dates history:
SUPER: “BEST-GUESS TRANSLATION: ‘Twinkle, twinkle, little eye, Now’s the time to say goodbye….’”
EXT. DESERTED OFF-ROAD AREA – DAY
A cargo van is parked. The back doors are open. SIX YOUNG BIKERS are unloading and assembling their mountain bicycles and backpacks in a spirit of expectation and camaraderie.
FRANK (24) pumps air into LEE’s (22) tire.
FRANK
Keep’m just under thirty pounds. Less than that you’re draggin’ ass; more, your slamin’ your balls.
LEE
Got it.
MANNY (19) and his best friend, SAMMY (18), do bike wheelies and practice tricky maneuvers in the parking, raring to go.
JOE (25) checks the map and looks off to the rocky foothills. GENE (22) stands beside him holding a pocket notebook.
JOE
This is as good a place as any to start mapping.
GENE
Starting Point “A.”
He scribbles in the notebook and pockets it.
Joe addresses everyone.
JOE
Okay, guys. Gather up.
Frank attaches his pump to his bike. Lee locks the van doors. Manny and Sammy side-skid to a dusty stop in front of Joe.
JOE
Manny, you and Sammy are the trail blazers. Find challenging jumps, but be careful. We don’t want any injuries that require a helicopter to bail us out. Everybody, make sure your GoPros are on.
Everyone checks the GoPros attached to his helmet.
JOE
(to Manny)
Don’t get too far ahead.
MANNY
Got it, boss man. Let’s go Sammy.
They take off pumping into the foothills. Gene calls out.
GENE
Watch out for Bigfoot.
JOE
(to Frank, Lee, Gene)
Okay. Here we go.
They petal off.
SERIES OF SHOTS
–Manny and Sammy on top of a steep, winding grade, looking down, gauging it.
–Manny and Sammy whizz down the twisting animal path with such reckless speed–through their GoPros–that we think they’ll crash at any second–nerve-racking to say the least.
–Manny leaps off a natural mogul on the hillside and lands thirty feet beyond onto another rise.
–Lee, reluctant to make a jump, is coaxed on by Frank. Lee crashes, but gets up, laughing.
–Everybody watches as Manny leaps off a short cliff, does a gainer in the air, and lands perfectly.
–Sammy turns his bike 360 degrees in mid-air and lands.
–Gene taking notes in his notebook.
EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT
Manny and Sammy are attached to their iPhones playing a video game. Joe is making notes on his map and reviewing GoPro footage. Gene, Frank, and Lee are playing a dice game. Lee shakes the cup of dice and spills two out onto the ground. He rolls a double six.
LEE
Boxcars!
Lee rakes the dollar bills in from the ante pot.
FRANK
Not again. I’m goin’ broke.
GENE
Lucky bastard. Let me see those dice. They must be loaded.
LEE
You oughta know. They’re yours.
They all laugh as Joe kneels to join them. He tosses a dollar into the ante. The others do the same.
JOE
Good ride today, guys. I figure we mapped out nine miles.
GENE
And got some fantastic GoPro shots. It would make a great documentary.
LEE
I’ll invest in that.
Gene shakes the cup and rolls the dice. A perfect roll: 3, 4, 5, and double six.
FRANK
I don’t believe it. Now I am broke.
(off, to Manny)
Hey, Manny. Loan your poor brother a Jackson, would ya?
Manny is concentrating on the game he’s playing with Sammy on his iPhone. Seemingly expecting the request, he removes a rolled twenty from his shirt pocket and tosses it to him.
MANNY
Here. Figured you’d ask.
FRANK
Thanks, little bro. Love your stinking ass. I’ll get you back when we get home.
MANNY
Yeah. Sure.
He’s already back to concentrating on the game.
JOE
Tomorrow we should arrive at the bar off the old logging road. It will make a great oasis for mountain bikers in the future. Just the right distance.
LEE
It’s a biker bar. They may want it for themselves.
GENE
They’ll love us. We bring in the ka-ching.
EXT. RURAL BAR – DAY
An isolated bar sits off an old logging road. A dozen or more Harleys are parked in front of it. Our mountain bikers wheel up and prop their bikes against the side of the building.
JOE
It’s hotter than a fired pistol barrel out here.
LEE
I hope they got air in there. I’m roasting.
GENE
I’m thirsty for a cold one.
INT. RURAL BAR – DAY
A local MOTORCYCLE CLUB wearing muscle shirts that say BIKER BROS stand idly around in scattered groups sullenly observing Joe, Gene, Frank, Lee, Manny and Sammy bop in, sweaty and high off the adrenalin of aggressive biking in the heat.
They aim for the corner of the bar, oblivious to looks from the bikers.
The BARTENDER washes glasses and watches them approach.
GENE
Hey, barkeep. Give us five pints of your coldest, would ya?
(to the others)
Roll the dice to see who buys?
He removes a die from his fanny pack and rolls. He rolls a 5. Joe takes it and rolls a 4. Lee’s turn; he rolls a 5.
GENE
Got a tie goin’.
Manny rolls a 2. Sammy rolls a 2.
GENE
You guys are out for sure.
Frank rattles the die in his hand, blows on it. He rolls a 6.
GENE
Looks like Frank’s buying…Thanks, Frank.
FRANK
This isn’t my lucky day.
The bartender sets the drinks down.
BARTENDER
That’ll be fifteen dollars.
Frank counts out 15 dollars and gives it the bartender. Manny and Sammy go over to a high table by the wall and play with their phones.
FRANK
That leaves me with a dollar.
GENE
That’s just enough to play a game of Ship, Captain, Crew. Whaddaya say? Maybe your luck will change.
FRANK
Okay. Why not get wiped out again.
GENE
(to Lee and Joe)
You guys want in?
LEE
Hell, yes.
JOE
I’m in.
Gene brings out his dice cup, tips out the dice, and gives each a die. They roll together. Lee rolls the only 6. Gene gathers the dice up and returns them to the cup.
GENE
Lee goes first.
Lee rattles the cup and pours the dice out. One scampers off the bar and lands at the feet of the bartender. The bartender picks it up and slams it onto the bar.
BARTENDER
Keep it on the bar.
LEE
(to the bartender)
Sorry about that.
He finishes his turn, but doesn’t qualify to win. Joe rolls his turn. He qualifies with a 5.
Gene rolls. A die bounces off the bar and lands in the wash basin. The bartender draws it out with a scowl and slams it on the bar in front of Gene.
BARTENDER
That’s it. No more dice on the bar.
Gene looks over to the pool table and sees that it is not being use.
GENE
Would you mind if we played on the pool table? We’ll give you a dollar for every round. Whaddaya say?
BARTENDER
If my regulars don’t mind, it’s okay with me.
Gene walks over to the pool table and confidently asks anybody:
GENE
Mind if we use the pool table to play dice? You can join us if you want.
The bikers look at one another as if to say, Why not? A big, mean-looking biker wearing an eyepatch nods, Okay.
Joe blocks the pool table pockets with cue sticks and the game is on. Joe, Frank, Gene, and Lee take turns rolling the dice. Frank throws the dice.
FRANK
Boxcars! Finally, my luck is changing.
Frank gathers in the ante pot. By now, the bikers show interest and have gathered around the table.
Our guys toss their dollars into the ante. Five Biker Bros toss a dollar into the pot.
LATER
Frank happily rakes in a pile of dollars, removes one for the house, and adds the others to a huge wad of bills that he sticks into his bulging fanny pack. The Biker Bros suspiciously slide their eyes at each other.
JOE
I’m out.
FRANK
(to Joe)
Order us another round.
Frank gives him a few bills. Joe staggers over to the bar. A DRUNK is sitting there by himself observing.
JOE
Four more, bartender.
DRUNK
You know, I’ve been watching you guys. You’re making a couple of huge mistakes.
JOE
What?
DRUNK
You boys could end up with broken bones if you keep it up. I was in the hospital for three months with broken legs because of them. You don’t want to dis them, like you just did, or you will regret it.
This gets Joe’s attention.
JOE
What are you saying?
DRUNK
First off, I’ve yet to see a Bro win and you’re taking their money without buying them a drink, too. That’s a big, big dis–the bone breaking kind, as I well know.
JOE
We weren’t thinking, I guess. Figured they’ll buy their own when they win.
DRUNK
You figured dead wrong there, boy.
JOE
What’s the other thing?
DRUNK
Your guy is flashing his wad in front of them. These assholes love money and won’t let you leave until you have none, one way or the other.
Joe looks over to the pool table as Lee giddily rakes in a pile. The Bros are visibly restless, looking more sinister, as if ready to pounce at a command.
JOE
I see your point.
DRUNK
You best be gettin’ outta here, pronto.
Joe looks very worried, now.
JOE
We’re on bicycles. We wouldn’t get far.
DRUNK
No, you wouldn’t. For fifty bucks I’ll get you out of here.
Joe’s PTSD is kicking in.
JOE
How?
DRUNK
My camper is parked next to your bicycles. Put them in the back. You better hurry. It’s unlocked.
Suddenly, an angry outburst at the pool table. Joe turns toward it.
The Bro with the eyepatch has grabbed Lee’s arm.
BRO WITH EYEPATCH
You are cheating us out of our money.
Lee stammers.
LEE
I-I-I’m not.
GENE
Let us buy you a drink.
JOE
(re: drinks; to bartender)
Give those to the Bros at the table. Thanks.
Joe turns back to the drunk.
JOE
You got a deal.
He goes over to Manny and Sammy at the high table.
SAMMY
Whazup?
JOE
We gotta get outta here, fast. There’s a camper truck parked next to our bikes. Throw our bikes into the back. We’ll be out as fast as we can. Go out the back door.
MANNY
Who’s camper is it?
JOE
The guy at the bar is going to drive us outta here. Now, go!
Manny and Sammy hurry off. Joe walks over to the table.
GENE
(to Bro w/ eyepatch)
We’ve played fair and square. It’s the luck of the dice. What can I say?
JOE
What’s going on?
BRO WITH EYEPATCH
You ripped us off and we want our money back. We only be askin’ once.
JOE
Give us a minute, would ya.
Joe pulls Lee, Gene, and Frank away and huddles with them.
FRANK
What the fuck’s goin’ on?
JOE
Don’t ask questions. Do as I say, now, or we’re all going to end up in the hospital. Gene, give me your money wad.
Gene opens his fanny pack and removes the wad.
JOE
Take out fifty.
GENE
Why fifty?
JOE
Don’t ask. It’s going to get us outta here alive.
Gene counts out fifty.
JOE
Give it to the guy sitting at the bar and leave with him. Hurry.
They give him a confused look then take off.
BRO WITH EYEPATCH
Hey, where you goin’?
Joe holds up the wad of cash and stops the Bros from pursuing the others as they exit the back door.
JOE
We talked it over and decided to give you back your money. Are we square?
EXT. BAR – PARKED VAN – DAY
The bikes are loaded. Manny and Sammy wait anxiously by the open side door of the van. The drunk, Gene, Lee, and Frank fly out the back door of the bar.
DRUNK
Quick everybody in.
They quickly cram in. The drunk fires it up and peels away as some Bros run out of the back door of the bar. He does a gravel-spitting doughnut in front of them and takes off.
INT. VAN – SAME
As everybody watches:
GENE
Hey! You’re forgetting Joe.
The driver knows better.
DRUNK
Don’t worry. We’ll pick him up at the front door.
EXT./INT. VAN – CONTINUOUS
As it skids to a stop in front of the bar. The front door bangs open and Joe flies out backwards and sprawls to the ground. He shakes his head to remove the cobwebs as a Bros steps out fists doubled.
The drunk rolls down his window.
DRUNK
Hurried up! Get in!
Joe scrambles up and staggers to the open door of the van and is grabbed by a set of arms and pulled inside.
The drunk lights a pair of cherry-bomb firecrackers and tosses them at the parked motorcycles.
BOOM! BOOM!
He peels off down the road.
DRUNK
Yeee-haa! -
LESSON #9
Nick’s Horror Outline Version 1
What I learnt: Again, there were changes, always for the better it seems—until a better idea comes along. I’m still working to find a few better scenes I have in mind for the third act, where I need to kill off three more characters, one of them totally blinded. These scenes will have a scary night and morning fog. Work in progress.
TITLE: Eyeballs
LOGLINE:
Six twenty-something buddies go on a week-end mountain bike adventure in the Sierras and end up getting lost, only to become prey to a neolithic family who collects eyeballs.ACT 1
CLOSE-UP
A gnarly hand nonchalantly scoops an eyeball from a screaming victim’s face with a piece of black obsidian. He mumble-sings in an unknown crude language while he works, in a familiar tune that evidently pre-dates history:
SUPER: “BEST-GUESS TRANSLATION: ‘Twinkle, twinkle, little eye, Now’s the time to say goodbye….’”EXT. SANDY OFF-ROAD AREA – DAY
Six bikers unload their mountain bikes and back packs from a van. They are:
JOE EVANS (25), a veterinarian and the leader and organizer of this exploratory trip;
GENE HARMS (22), screenplay writer looking to get inspiration for a horror movie;
FRANK GARGANO (24), military vet with PTSD and the only one with a gun;
LEE HARRIS (22), computer geek who is going to film their adventure;
MANNY GARGANO (19), Frank’s little brother, master of the mountain bike; and
SAMMY MILLS (18), another mountain bike master and Manny’s best friend.EXT. SIERRA TERRAIN – DAY
Manny and Sammy do some fancy tricks with their mountain bikes on the mountainous terrain. The others following more cautiously.EXT. CAMPFIRE – NIGHT
Joe works on a map, reveals unexplored area where they are going. Lee reviews film. The rest play a dice game to pass the time as they excitedly anticipate their weekend adventure. The myth of Bigfoot is brought up.EXT. LONE BAR – DAY
Motorcycles parked in front. The guys park their bikes and go in.INT. BAR – DAY
They beg permission from the reluctant bartender to play Ship, Captain, Crew, a dice game, on the pool table. The BRO gang watch with interest and want to play, too. They each wear a gang-identifier eye patch, which make them look sinister. Soon the table is surrounded by players, but the Bros rarely win, which makes them very suspicious, especially when our bikers are only ordering rounds of drinks for themselves when they win, and not the Bros.
The gangs’ sudden change of mood causes deep concern amongst the bikers as they try to lose (but their luck continues and they can’t lose), or buy them a drink—but it’s too late.
A drunk LOCAL, sitting alone at the bar, tells Gene, who’s getting drinks, that they are about to be seriously robbed and beat up after revealing the wad of money they won from the gang. He gladly offers them an escape from there in his camper.EXT. BAR – DAY
Our bikers throw their bikes into the camper. The drunk local lights a cherry bomb (firecracker) and tosses it at the Bro gang’s motorcycles. BOOM! As the camper weaves and speeds away, the Bros rush out, furious; fire up their bikes, and give chase.EXT. DIRT ROAD – DAY
The drunk lets the bikers out in the middle of nowhere, telling them that he will continue to lead the motorcycles far away, and for them not to worry. He takes off.
They hide and watch as the Bro gang roars by. They breathe a sigh of relief, feeling safe to continue their exploratory adventure.EXT. SIERRA TERRAIN – DAY
A day of trail blazing and mapping. They espy the local drunk’s camper, abandoned. They figure he ran out of gas and carry on.EXT. FOREST – DAY
They discover the drunk’s body hanging upside down from a tree limb skinned from head to foot and both eyes missing. They hear motorcycles in the distance from where they’d come. Terrified, they decide to head back another way.ACT 2
EXT. RIVER CROSSING – DAY
They cross on a downed tree over raging river. Manny, showing off, falls into the river and is carried away.LATER – SAME DAY
It’s tough going along the river. They hear screams echoing from far away and continue towards it.EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY
They discover a man’s body hanging upside down from a tree. His skin has been half-peeled down over his head, like a T-shirt half removed. They lift the skin up. It’s Manny. Both eyes are missing. He’s still alive, whispers: “Kill me.” His PTSD’d brother, Frank, excruciatingly reluctant, shoots him in the head to put him out of his misery.
All are profoundly affected by this as they once again hear the faint sound of motorcycles echoing across the valley in the distance.MIDPOINT:
EXT. ALPINE FOREST – DAY
The bikers now know the murderous gang means business. They are ever alert. Manny’s corpse is lashed to Frank’s back. The going is exhausting as they attempt to blaze a trail and find a road.EXT. MONSTER’S HUT – LATER – SAME DAY
They discover a neolithic-like hut with a wisp of smoke rising from the chimney. A WOMAN and a CHILD are walking away from them into the forest carrying a basket. Animal skins are stretched between poles in the yard to dry.EXT./INT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
The door is open. They peek in and are shocked to see a host of mannequins wrapped in human skin. A reclining chair. A workbench with eyeballs encased in amber. A collector’s book of iris’ in round wafer-thin amber.
TWO HUMAN-LIKE MONSTERS with their backs to us are working at the bench, oblivious to the intruders. They are wearing jackets made of human skin.
Suddenly, the two monsters turn in unison and glare at the stunned interlopers with dead, coal-black, hooded eyes. One is obviously younger than the other. They both have severe overbites with two corn-yellow, beaver-like upper incisors, chattering, as if sensing odor. Their pug-nosed nostrils are choked with snotty hairs, and their ears are super-elongated. Their own skin, that isn’t covered with human skin, is pale gray and sparingly bristled with stiff, pig-like hair.
What the fuck!!! The bikers flee in panic.ACT 3
EXT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
They run out of the hut, swing onto their bikes, and scatter into the woods in a panic. The two speedy monsters easily snag Lee and Gene, the slowest bikers, and drag them back to the hut.INT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
Lee and Gene are hogtied to chairs. They watch in horror the older monster carefully slicing the iris from an eyeball, then laying it into a form the size of a glasses lens. He pours amber into it.
The younger monster teasingly spins an eyeball on the table until it points to Lee. Lee is tied into the reclining chair and the monster goes to work removing his eyes with the obsidian knife. Lee screams from the depths of his being.EXT. FOREST CLEARING – DAY
Joe, Frank, and Sammy listen to the screams. They argue about whether to go back and somehow rescue them. They decide to bury Manny.INT. MONSTER’S HUT – DAY
Frank breaks into the hut shooting. He shoots both of the monsters multiple times, but they don’t fall. They just freeze and stare at the holes in their jackets and are otherwise unfazed by the wounds, for now. Frank shoots them again. They just shift their eyes to the other holes and stare in curiosity.
Gene still has one good eye. Lee has both his removed and is just sitting there frozen in shock.[MISSING 3 DEATH/CHASE SCENES HERE]
EXT. CLIFFTOP – DAY
The monster catches up to Frank and knocks him from his bike. Frank furiously squirts lighter fuel at the monster as it starts buzzing his skin off with its incisors with amazing speed. Frank frantically struggles to find his Bic fire-starter lighter and manages to ignite the monster. The monster stands and stares at the flames consuming its body. Frank scoots away, his chest skin completely peeled back, and dashes away.
The monster just stands there and burns for a minute, then chases after Frank, grabs him from behind and hugs him. They both are aflame. The monster lets goes as Frank collapses screaming and burns to death. The monster wipes the flames off himself like wiping off dust. He’s back to normal. He now has his eyes set on Sammy, who is frozen in horror, but not for long asthe monster runs toward him.
He takes off on his bike and leaps a narrow gorge and races down a steep, irregular mountain goat path. The monster leaps the gap behind him, determined, following. Sammy slips off the narrow, crumbly path and does a heart stopping slide down the cliff to a ledge and leaps a wide gap to another ledge, just catching it with his front wheel as he leans forward to bring the back wheel up.
He rumbles down a steep grade and at its end is blue sky. He shoots off the edge of a three-hundred foot cliff, flipping aerial gainers with the bike before releasing himself from it and landing with a distant slash into the river below.EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY
Sammy lies washed up against rocks of the riverbank. We hear somebody sliding down the riverbank above him. Small loose stones hit his body. His eye pops open as the sliding ceases. He cringes as a hand reaches down towards him. A one-eyed Bro member lifts him out and comforts him with a drink and welcomes him to the exclusive one-eyed club. Sammy learns that the monster is scared to death of water. That’s why he is rarely seen outside the two rivers that border the exclusive valley.EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY
Sammy is caught and pressed to the ground by the monster who proceeds to gouge his eye out, as in the opening.INT. SAMMY’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Sammy jerks awake in a sweat from the nightmare.INT. MONSTER’S HUT
The last thing we see is monster domesticity: The wife sewing a human skin garment with a baby monster suckling on her; the son stretching human skin on a rack; and the father proudly adding another eyeball to his iris collection.
xxx -
LESSON #8
Nick’s Character Journey TrackWhat I learnt: This exercise revealed the distinct personality of each individual character. They are now living persons that I can plainly see and can have interact with each other in believable, conflicting ways. The exercise also brought out more story ideas, especially about the monster, which I also profiled.
1 Character Profile of Joe Evans
—Joe Evans (24): Works as a Vet Assistant. He’s the organizer of the group and feels responsible for their well-being. Character death #6, the last one to die.Role:
LeaderTraits:
Caring, protective, organizer, naiveFears:
Complete responsibility.Wants/Needs:
Wants to blaze a new mountain bike trail in the wilderness. Needs to create a mapped course for investors.Likability / Rooting factors:
Open to ideas from his fellow bikers.How they react under stress:
Willing to concede leadership role to Frank when under pressure.Relationship with other characters:
Friendly, accommodating.Character Journey of Joe Evans
Character Intro:
He has a passion for mountain biking and gets away whenever he can. He’s got the latest bike and gear. He tells the guys that part of their journey they will be exploring is unmapped and jokingly says that there have been reports of Bigfoot sightings there.Denial:
Doubts the legend of Bigfoot.Their reaction at first horror:
Suspects the motorcycle gang.Relation to group after first horror:
Makes fateful decision.How they fight back:
Turn back and try to avoid the monster.End Point:
He dies saving Manny, the ultimate survivor.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
He gives his life to save another.———————————————————————-
2 Character Profile of Gene Harms
—Gene Harms (20): An unpublished, but determined, spec screenwriter with writer’s block. Character death #5.Role:
RescuerTraits:
Procrastinator, laid back, insecure, dreamer.Fears:
Writer’s block.Wants/Needs:
Wants to clear his mind.
Needs to loosen up; experience fun.Likability / Rooting factors:
Pleasant.How they react under stress:
Withdrawal.Relationship with other characters:
Friendly teasing, likable.Character Journey of Gene Harms
Character Intro:
Playing dice with the group.Denial:
Rumors of Bigfoot exaggerated.Their reaction at first horror:
He vomits.Relation to group after first horror:
Has lost interest; wants to go back.How they fight back:
Fend off and run.End Point:
He steps on a swinging broad axe (obsidian) booby trap and gets decapitated.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
They must now watch out for booby traps, as well.———————————————————————-
3 Character Profile of Frank Gargano
—Frank Gargano (23): Unemployed veteran, looking for adventure. Character death #4.Role:
Protector.Traits:
Obsessive, paranoid, generous, loner.Fears:
PTSD flaring up; flashbacks.Wants/Needs:
Wants to be whole again.
Needs understanding; stimulus.Likability / Rooting factors:
Respected.How they react under stress:
Assesses the situation when all about him are losing it.Relationship with other characters:
Friendly; contentious with Joe, the leader.Character Journey of Frank Gargano
Character Intro:
Packed for anything, including a gun.Denial:
That he has a lung disease from the war.Their reaction at first horror:
Draws his gun.Relation to group after first horror:
Distracted; paranoidal; ready for action.How they fight back:
Shooting at the monster.End Point:
Knife against teeth with the monster.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
Shock and fear. Their protector is gone.———————————————————————-
4 Character Profile of Lee Harris
—Lee Harris (21): Computer geek. Feels naked because he can’t use his cell phone in the wilderness. Character death #3.Role:
ComplainerTraits:
Self-absorbed, dismissive, tight, insecure.Fears:
Losing money.Wants/Needs:
Wants to invest in Joe’s trail idea.
Needs to see the potential for himself.Likability / Rooting factors:
Tolerated; less active than the others.How they react under stress:
Becomes extremely agitated; panics.Relationship with other characters:
Distant, but friendly.Character Journey of Lee Harris
Character Intro:
Conversing with Joe about the potential money-making opportunity of the trail.Denial:
That a killing will happen again—as long as they stay together.Their reaction at first horror:
Disbelief; change of investing heart.Relation to group after first horror:
Just wants to get back alive; fuck the rest.How they fight back:
By running away in panic for his life.End Point:
He is mistakenly shot and killed by Frank in the heavy fog.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
Identify your target before you shoot at it.———————————————————————-
5 Character Profile of Manny Gargano
—Manny Gargano (20): Frank’s little brother. He’s a hotshot, master of the mountain bike. Oblivious to life’s troubles. Character death #2.Role:
Rebel / Rule Breaker.Traits:
Reckless, stubborn, naive, cocky.Fears:
Total darkness.Wants/Needs:
Wants to have endless fun and stimulation.
Needs to grow up; slow down and reflect.Likability / Rooting factors:
Fun to have around.How they react under stress:
Agitated; panicky.Relationship with other characters:
Best friends with Sammy. Always together, like brothers.Character Journey of Manny Gargano
Character Intro:
Glued to his iPhone.Denial:
That there is pure evil in the world.Their reaction at first horror:
Turns away, pukes.Relation to group after first horror:
Preoccupied, scared, sober; stays closer to Sammy. Doesn’t venture off alone anymore.How they fight back:
Goes with the decision to go back, but is the next one killed.End Point:
Shot by his older brother Frank to put him out of his misery.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
If the monster don’t kill you, Frank will.———————————————————————-
6 Character Profile of Sammy Mills
—Sammy Mills (18), best friend with Manny. They do everything together. One could get the impression that they are gay for one another. The sole character survivor.Role:
Innocent.Traits:
Naive, loyal, impressionable, insecure.Fears:
Being alone.Wants/Needs:
Wants to be an equal to the group.
Needs a father-type.Likability / Rooting factors:
Everybody likes him.How they react under stress:
Bewildered, oarless.Relationship with other characters:
The lovable kid. Best friends with Manny.Character Journey
Character Intro:
Glued to his iPhone.Denial:
Can’t believe that Manny is dead.Their reaction at first horror:
Stunned as reality smacks him in the face.Relation to group after first horror:
Clinging, scared.How they fight back:
He must abandon his savior, Joe, to the monster to survive.End Point:
He leaps into the raging river grabs onto a tossing log and is carried away. He is found by the motorcycle gang the next morning passed out on a log jam on a calm river bend.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
We only hope to be so lucky to survive such a ordeal.
—————————————————————————————7 Character Profile of the Monster
The Monster (40s) is a man from a near-extinct, separately evolved branch of the human sapiens family tree with different values for living and survival.Role:
The monster.Traits:
Intelligent, crafty, deadly, loving.Fears:
Discovery.Wants/Needs:
Wants to be left alone and undiscovered, feed his family, etc., yet…
Needs human skin pelts and eyeballs as symbols of posterity and wealth.Likability / Rooting factors:
None, not interactant.How they react under stress:
Go into deadly action.Relationship with other characters:
He hunts them.Character Journey
Character Intro:
We see the result of his work: A skinned and eyeless body.Denial:
His existence, by others.Their reaction at first horror:
A good day for him; a horror for us.Relation to group after first horror:
Vigilance.How they fight back:
With crude snares and incisor teeth and uncommon brute strength.End Point:
Back to normal.What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
There really is truth to myths.xxx
-
LESSON #7
Nick’s Monster Reveal Track
What I learnt: Doing this exercise gave me a couple of unique monster traits that hadn’t occurred to me until this lesson. I fleshed out the monster more and actually created empathy for them. By defining the motives of the monster, I made changes to the plot and created a surprise ending for the movie. It gets better with every lesson.
A. WHO IS YOUR MONSTER AND WHAT IS THEIR TERROR?
Powers?
—Powerful strength. Have regenerative powers. Can peel the skin from a carcass faster than a butcher with just its teeth. Can withstand being set on fire.Limitations?
—Must stay secluded, or they will become known to the outside world—like Bigfoot—and be eradicated or caged. They don’t venture beyond their hidden geographic valley of influence.Weaknesses?
—Need to constantly gnaw on bones to exercise their incisors, or they will grow too long and become useless and cause starvation. Can only be thoroughly killed by water—drowning.Plan/Purpose/Appetite?
—Have an appetite for animal flesh and bones but consider human flesh a delicacy, derived exclusively from unwitting humans—like hikers—who wander into their area, otherwise they live peaceful lives. They cherish the victims’ eyeballs as talismans.B. SEQUENCE THE DEMANDS / REVEALS.
Opening/prologue:
Demand: Who or what is crudely removing an eyeball from a screaming victim?Reveal: We see a partial reveal of the monster’s face: His chattering yellow, beaver-like incisors and his mouth humming a tune.
During 1st Act:
Demand: A number of pool players from a local motorcycle gang are mysteriously missing one eye.Reveal: We are led to believe that the motorcycle gang must be the monsters throughout the movie, but in the end, turns out they will be the saviors.
1st Act turning point:
Demand: The bikers discover the skin-stripped, liver-less, eyeless remains of the driver of the camper that saved them earlier.Reveal: This is the first evidence of the monster’s work.
1st half of 2nd Act:
Demand: The monster is finally seen munching on a body, but at a great distance so we can’t make out his frightening details.Reveal: The first biker is found barely alive, missing his eyes, his torso skin stripped and pulled over his head. An interrupted monster at work.
Midpoint:
Demand: The bikers happen upon a cabin and witness contented domesticity in a family of monsters.Reveal: The family of monsters are living their lives, just like us, only with different values. The mother is sewing skin-tight clothes made from human skin.
2nd half of 2nd Act:
Demand: Why are the monsters attacking humans?Reveal: We hunt deer for food and skin; the monsters hunt humans for the same.
3rd Act:
Demand: The monster is set on fire, but keeps on fighting as if he’s not. He’s immune.Reveal: The monster is finally killed off by water, not fire.
Resolution:
Demand: The survivor is finally safe at home, but tosses around in bed in the throes of a vivid nightmare.Reveal: Although the survivor wakes up from a sweaty nightmare of losing his other eye by the monster he killed, we further learn that peace has returned to the monsters’ home and a mother monster is lovingly feeding a baby monster.
xxx
-
LESSON #5
Nick’s Horror Situation
What I learnt: This exercise helped pace horror.
CONCEPT: Six twenty-something buddies go on a week-long mountain bike adventure in the Sierras and end up getting lost, only to become prey to a demented family who collects eyeballs.
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:
—We open with an excruciatingly cringy, detailed close up of an eyeball being nonchalantly cut out from a screaming victim’s head. We do not see the monster, but we hear him mumble-singing “Twinkle, twinkle, little ‘eye’, Now’s the time to say goodbye….”
Horror Situation:
Opening scene of crude eye removal.
—Reaction:
Audience disgust and horror.Connect with the characters:
—We meet our six bikers as they park and unload their bikes, then follow them as they do fancy and dangerous maneuvers over rough terrain, like self-assured, hotshot experts are wont to do.
The leader reveals he has a gun, in case of varmints. They camp and pass the time playing a dice game called Ship, Captain, Crew—rolling five dice from a cup. We get a glimpse of their individual personalities here. The leader, works on a map of their trail blazing. He notes the trail is already made for them, mostly tramped by animals.
The next day they challenge the rough terrain with daredevil feats, showing off their death-defying expertise as seen partly from the make-you-grit-your-teeth lens of a GoPro. They stop at a bar in the middle of nowhere to rest and get out of the heat.
The characters are warned not to do it:
—They get permission from the reluctant bartender to play Ship, Captain, Crew on the pool table. The BRO family gang—all real brothers—watch and want to play, too. Soon the table is surrounded by players—Bros and our bikers, but the Bros rarely win, which makes them suspicious, especially when the bikers are only ordering rounds of drinks for themselves when they win, unwittingly excluding the Bros. A big, dumb Bro sits alone, drinking on a stool against the wall repeating to himself, “Sump’n bad gonna happen…,” while chuckling.
A very drunk crazy LOCAL, sitting alone at the bar, tells a biker that’s getting drinks that they are about to be in serious jeopardy if they keep revealing the wad of money they won from the locals, when adding their winnings to it, and not offering them drinks. He offers them a ride away from there in his camper. The oblivious bikers finally become aware of the sudden change of mood and of their predicament and try to turn things around—trying to lose (which they can’t, no matter how hard they try), buying them a drink—but it’s too late: The Bros have been unforgivably dissed.
After the bikers make a one-at-a-time nerve-wracking escape out the back door and throw their bikes into the camper, the drunk local, who hates the Bro gang for once breaking his legs, peels off and swings around to the front of the bar, stops, lights a cherry bomb (firecracker) and tosses it into the Bro gang’s motorcycles. BOOM! As the camper weaves and speeds away, the Bros rush out, furious; fire up their bikes, and give chase.
—Horror Situation:
The Bros suddenly all have same intimidating stare at dice game.
—Reaction:
Makes the bikers uncomfortable.—Horror Situation:
A frustrated Bro grabs a winning pot he didn’t win.
—Reaction:
Shock. To avoid conflict, the bikers let him have it.—Horror Situation:
The Bros chase the bikers on their motorcycles.
—Reaction:
Fear. Escape in a camper.Denial of Horror:
—After twenty miles of winding roads, the crazy local lets the bikers out in the middle of nowhere, telling them that he will continue to lead the motorcycles far away, and for them not to worry. He takes off.
Now off the road, they watch as the Bro gang roars by. They breathe a sigh of relief, feeling safe to continue their exploratory adventure.
—Horror Situation:
They are dumped in Bro territory.
—Reaction:
Feeling unrooted, weird.Safety taken away:
—The leader lost the map of the trail route he was making. And now there is a twenty-mile gap because of the camper ride from the bar to here. They decide to keep going. On the way back, they will fill in the road gap and pick up the trail they’d already mapped out, which is in recent memory.
—Horror Situation:
The leader loses the map.
—Reaction:
After some disagreement, the bikers decide to carry on; the map can be redrawn on their return.Monster: The nature of the beast:
—After another day of dare-devil trail blazing and mapping, they come to a dirt road and espy the crazy drunk’s camper, abandoned. They figure he ran out of gas, then they carry on.
They discover what remains of him hanging upside down from a tree limb skinned from head to foot and both eyes missing.
—Horror Situation:
Finding the camper driver skinned and eyeless.
—Reaction:
Quit their trailblazing and head back fast as possible.ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
—The terrified bikers decide to go no further, but high-tail it back. They must be alert for whoever is doing the killing and the Bro gang. They follow the route they took to get where they are, then hear motorcycles on their trail. It’s the Bro boys on their Honda 500s riding through the woods prowling for them. The bikers panic. They follow a raging river. One of them falls off a slippery log crossing into the river and is carried away.
—Horror Situation:
What to do after discovering the camper driver is skinned.
—Reaction:
An argument over going back or keep going ensues.—Horror Situation:
The Bros are waiting for them at a dirt road crossing.
—Reaction:
Retreat. Find another way out.They go after him, but he’s moving too fast and they lose sight of him. It’s tough going along the river. Hours later, they hear screaming in the distance and go towards it.
—Horror Situation:
Escaping the Bros.
—Reaction:
Find the river and follow it back.—Horror Situation:
A biker falls into raging river.
—Reaction:
Follow the river and find him.One of us killed:
—They find a naked man hanging upside down from a tree moaning. His skin has been half-peeled down over his head, like a T-shirt half pulled off. They lift the skin up and it’s their buddy. Both eyes are missing. They are freaked out and don’t know what to do. The skinned boy is barely alive and begs to die/live???. A biker reluctantly shoots him to put him out of his misery. A fight ensues with the boy’s brother until a truce is established—deal with it later.
—Horror Situation:
A biker’s skinned older brother is found skinned and eyeless, yet still barely alive, begging to die/or/not wanting to die???
—Reaction:
He is mercifully shot by the younger brother.MIDPOINT: THE MONSTER IS WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT!
Full pursuit by the killer:
—The bikers now know that somebody means business. They are ever alert. The dead boy is lashed to his older brother’ back. The going is exhausting as they attempt to find the trail, or a road.
They discover a large, beat up cabin with a wisp of smoke rising from the chimney.
Terrorized:
—They knock at the door. Nobody answers. The door is open, so they go in to a scene of horror: A host of mannequins wrapped in human skin. A dental chair. A workbench with eyeballs encased in epoxy. A collector’s book of iris’ in round wafer-thin epoxy. There is a man with his back to us working at the bench, apparently oblivious to the intruders. What the fuck!!! They hear motorcycles approaching.
—Horror Situation:
The bikers unwittingly enter the monster’s cabin.
—Reaction:
They are horrified by the monster’s macabre creations.ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
—They run out of the house, grab their bikes, and take off into the woods in a panic. They are chased by the Bros on motorcycles, who outnumber them. Soon three are caught in snares. The leader and another get away after some clever bike maneuvers that send a few Bros over cliffs to their deaths.
—Horror Situation:
Bikers captured in booby-trap snares.
—Reaction:
Struggle to get free.Hysteria:
—The three captured bikers are hogtied to chairs in the cabin. There is the man with his back to us working at the bench. We now see he is carefully slicing the iris from an eyeball, then laying it into a form the size of a glasses lens. He pours clear epoxy into it and lets it set.
He turns around to face us. We see, for the first time, his horrifying face: The left hemisphere of his brain is missing. He wears an epoxy eyepatch with a bright blue iris in it (their friend’s eye). His other eye is dull, soulless black. He is chinless with an extended overbite exposing two prominent yellow incisors, which he uses to extract eyeballs, as if the incisors were genetically evolved for that purpose. His hair is in a braid over his right ear. No hair on the left side of his head, just a bubbly pink and gray depression. He has an iris fetish.
He plays a game of Ship, Captain, Crew using eyeballs instead of dice. When rolled, the person who has the most eyeballs staring towards him is strapped to the dental chair to have his eyeballs removed.
—Horror Situation:
The monster turns towards the captive bikers in the cabin.
—Reaction:
Horror at his looks and terrifyingly reassuring demeanor.—Horror Situation:
Tied up to a chair made to watch buddy’s eyeballs removed.
—Reaction:
Profound fear, terror.—Horror Situation:
Playing eyeball dice game.
—Reaction:
Utter terror knowing you’re going to lose your eyes eventually.The thrilling escape from death:
—In the meantime, the two escapees decide to go back and somehow save the other three. They break in nervously holding a gun on the Bros. Two of their buddies now have no eyes and one is still screaming on the dental chair about to have his second eye removed. (Ironically, he’s the only one who ultimately survives.) They untie him and the others.
The leader shoots the monster in the head and down he goes. The blinded will have to be guided out while keeping the now furious Bros at bay.
—Horror Situation:
Two bikers escape, but friends are being tortured in cabin.
—Reaction:
Go back and save them.—Horror Situation:
A Bro approaches a downed biker.
—Reaction:
A biker shoots him.—Horror Situation:
The blind friends are impeding the survivor’s escape.
—Reaction:
Leave them behind or be killed yourself.—Horror Situation:
On the way back, the three surviving bikers get lost in the fog.
—Reaction:
They search blindly for each other. One shoots a biker and wounds him in the leg. Now he must limp.—Horror Situation:
Laughing voices in the woods yelling, “Boxcars,” the word our bikers would yell when they rolled a winning pair of double sixes.
—Reaction:
Fear. Uncertainty. Terror.Death returns to take one or more:
—On the escape, the rest, but one, are killed in horrendous ways. The monster has survived and is killed again. [Will fill out the story here as we progress in the course.
—Horror Situation:
Can’t escape and survive without dumping blind friends.
—Reaction:
Reluctantly, facing reality, the bikers leave the blind behind.—Horror Situation:
The Bros are observed getting nearer.
—Reaction:
The three remaining bikers cleverly creep around a lone gooseberry bush to avoid being seen.—Horror Situation:
Survivor with one eye helps blind friend escape chasing Bros.
—Reaction:
Must ditch friend to survive.—Horror Situation:
A blind friend is left behind to fend for himself.
—Reaction:
He goes insane, kills an attacking bro before being killed himselfResolution:
—Back to civilization, the one-eyed survivor has a dream that the monster has survived and has come to take his other eye. The last thing we see is that the monster did survive and is proudly adding another epoxied eyeball to his collection.
—Horror Situation:
The monster enters the surviving bikers bedroom.
—Reaction:
He wakes up in a panic. It was a nightmare.xxx
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LESSON #6
Nick’s Character Death Track
What I learnt: Some more developed (in my head) personalities I could kill off uniquely as a natural reaction of their traits. The others I’m still working on.
CONCEPT: Six twenty-something buddies go on a week-end mountain bike adventure in the Sierras and end up getting lost, only to become prey to a demented family who collects eyeballs.
Characters:
Leader/Moral One
—Joe Evans (21): Works as a Vet Assistant. He’s the organizer of the group and feels responsible for their well-being. He’s the only one with a gun.Rescuer
—Gene Harms (20): An unpublished, but determined, spec screenwriter with writer’s block. He’s using this getaway to clear his mind, maybe find something to write about.Complainer
—Lee Harris (21): Computer geek. Feels naked because he can’t use his cell phone in the wilderness.Out of control / Obnoxious
—Frank Gargano (23): Privileged. A worldly bum. Looking for adventure.Rebel / Rule Breaker
—Manny Gargano (20): Frank’s spoiled little brother. He’s a hotshot, master of the mountain bike. Oblivious to life’s troubles. Has Frank to protect him. Very close to Sammy.Innocent
—Sammy Mills (19), best friend with Manny. They do everything together. One could get the impression that they are gay for one another.The Carrier
—Buck (40s): NOT a member of the bike group, but the local who brings the horror to the group by getting the Bro gang angry and vengeful at him; and, as an extension, at the bikers.Character death order:
Character Death 1:
BuckWhy?—His macabre death is retribution for the firecracker incident at the bar and helping the mountain bikers escape.
How?—He is found dead, hanging from a tree branch with his eyes gouged out and his skin peeled from his body.
Character Death 2:
Manny GarganoWhy?—To put his older brother and his best friend in the awful position of deciding to kill him to put him out of his misery.
How?—He is found mutilated on the rocky river bank, barely alive, with eyes gouged out and his torso skinned and pulled over his head.
Character Death 3:
Lee HarrisWhy?—Lee is blinded by the fog and steps on a twig
How?—Unable to be seen in the fog, he is shot and killed by a panicked Joe. Sammy is accidentally shot in the leg, as well.
Character Death 4:
Frank GarganoWhy?—The horrid reality of their situation drives him crazy.
How?—He goes mad and charges at a Bro and flies off a cliff with him.
Character Death 5:
Gene HarmsWhy?—We, as the audience, logically assume he will be the one to survive and write the most horrific horror screenplay ever, or how else could this story be told? But, alas, grisly mortality takes him from us prematurely. His version of the horror will never make it to the screen.
How?—He steps on a booby trap that horizontally sweeps a springy tree limb with a broad axe attached to the end and severs his upper torso from the rest of his body.
Character Death 6:
Joe EvansWhy?—The remnant Bros are closing in.
How?—Joe makes a suicidal last stand that allows Sammy to escape to freedom.
Character Survivor:
Sammy MillsWhy?—He is protected at critical times by luck and, being the youngest, the other bikers. Ultimately, he must make the desperate decision to abandon the now sightless Joe, if he’s to make it out alive.
How?—He leaps into the raging river and grabs onto a tossing log. He is found by a fisherman the next morning passed out on a log jam on a calm river bend.
xxx
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LESSON #4
Nick’s Horror PlotWhat I learnt: A story emerged as I filled in the plot points. I feel confident I will come up with a horrifying 3rd Act as we progress. The broken down parts of the acts made me think horror..
CONCEPT: Six twenty-something buddies go on a week-long mountain bike adventure in the Sierras and end up getting lost, only to become prey to a demented family who collects eyeballs.
ACT 1 — SET UP FOR HORROR
Atmosphere of Evil established:
—We open with an excruciatingly cringy, detailed close up of an eyeball being nonchalantly cut out from a screaming victim’s head. We do not see the monster, but we hear him mumble-singing “Twinkle, twinkle, little ‘eye’, Now’s the time to say goodbye….”Connect with the characters:
—We meet our six bikers as they park and unload their bikes, then follow them as they do fancy and dangerous maneuvers over rough terrain. The leader reveals he has a gun in case of varmints. They camp and pass the time playing a dice game called Ship, Captain, Crew—rolling six dice from a cup. The leader, works on a map of their trail blazing. He notes the trail is made for them, mostly tramped by animals.The next day they challenge the rough terrain with daredevil feats, showing off their death-defying expertise as seen partly from the make-you-grit-your-teeth lens of a GoPro. They stop at a bar in the middle of nowhere to rest and get out of the heat.
The characters are warned not to do it:
—They get permission from the reluctant bartender to play Ship, Captain, Crew on the pool table. The BRO family gang—all real brothers—watch and want to play, too. Soon the table is surrounded by players—Bros and our bikers, but the Bros rarely win, which makes them suspicious, especially when the bikers are only ordering rounds of drinks for themselves when they win, and not the Bros. A big, dumb Bro sits alone, drinking on a stool against the wall repeating to himself, “Sump’n bad gonna happen…,” while chuckling.A very drunk LOCAL, sitting alone at the bar, tells a biker that’s getting drinks that they are about to be in serious jeopardy if they keep revealing the wad of money they won from the locals, when adding their winnings to it. He offers them a ride away from there in his camper. The oblivious bikers finally become aware of the sudden change of mood and of their predicament and try to turn things around—trying to lose (which they can’t, no matter how hard they try), buying them a drink—but it’s too late.
After the bikers make a one-at-a-time nerve-wracking escape out the back door and throw their bikes into the camper, the drunk local, who hates the Bro gang after they once broke his legs, tears off and swings around to the front of the bar, stops, lights a cherry bomb (firecracker) and tosses it into the Bro gang’s motorcycles. BOOM! As the camper weaves and speeds away, the Bros rush out, furious; fire up their bikes, and give chase.
Denial of Horror:
—After twenty miles of winding roads, the drunk local lets the bikers out in the middle of nowhere, telling them that he will continue to lead the motorcycles far away, and for them not to worry. He takes off.Now off the road, they watch as the Bro gang roars by. They breathe a sigh of relief, feeling safe to continue their exploratory adventure.
Safety taken away:
—The leader loses the map of the trail route he was making. And now there is a twenty-mile gap because of the camper ride from the bar to here. They decide to keep going. On the way back, they will fill in the road gap and pick up the trail they’d already mapped out, which is in recent memory.Monster: The nature of the beast:
—After another day of trail blazing and mapping, they cross a dirt road and espy the local drunk’s camper, abandoned. They figure he ran out of gas, then carry on. They discover what remains of him hanging upside down from a tree limb skinned from head to foot and both eyes missing.ACT 2 — THE POINT OF NO RETURN
Isolated / Trapped / Abducted:
—They bikers, terrified, decide to go no further, but high-tail it back. They must be alert for whoever is doing the killing and the Bro gang. They follow the route they took to get there, then hear motorcycles on their trail. It’s the Bro boys on their Honda 500s riding through the woods prowling for them. The bikers panic. They follow a raging river. One of them falls off a slippery log crossing into the river and is carried away.They go after him, but he’s moving too fast and they lose sight of him. It’s tough going along the river. Hours later, they hear screaming in the distance and go towards it.
One of us killed:
—They find a naked man hanging upside down from a tree moaning. His skin has been half-peeled down over his head, like a T-shirt half removed. They lift the skin up and it’s their buddy. Both eyes are missing. They are freaked out and don’t know what to do. The skinned boy is barely alive and begs to die. The leader reluctantly shoots him to put him out of his misery. A fight ensues with the boy’s older brother until a truce is established—deal with it later.MIDPOINT: THE MONSTER IS WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT!
Full pursuit by the killer:
—The bikers now know that somebody means business. They are ever alert. The dead boy is lashed to his older brother’ back. The going is exhausting as they attempt to find the trail, or a road.They discover a large, beat up cabin with a wisp of smoke rising from the chimney.
Terrorized:
—They knock at the door. Nobody answers. The door is open, so they go in to a scene of horror: A host of mannequins wrapped in human skin. A dental chair. A workbench with eyeballs encased in epoxy. A collector’s book of iris’ in round wafer-thin epoxy. There is a man with his back to us working at the bench, apparently oblivious to the intruders. What the fuck!!! They hear motorcycles approaching.ACT 3 — FULL OUT HORROR
Fight to the death:
—They run out of the house, grab their bikes, and take off into the woods in a panic. They are chased by the Bros on motorcycles, who outnumber them. Soon three are caught. The leader and another get away after some clever bike maneuvers that send a few Bros over cliffs to their deaths.Hysteria:
—The three captured bikers are hogtied to chairs at the cabin. There is the man with his back to us working at the bench. We now see he is carefully slicing the iris from an eyeball, then laying it into a form the size of a glasses lens. He pours clear epoxy into it and lets it set.He turns around to face us. We see, for the first time, the horrifying face of a monster: The left hemisphere of his brain is missing. He wears an epoxy eyepatch with a bright blue iris in it (their friend’s eye). His other eye is dull, soulless black. He is chinless with an extended overbite exposing two prominent yellow incisors. His hair is in a braid over his right ear. No hair on the left side of his head, just a bubbly pink and gray cavity.
He plays a game of Ship, Captain, Crew using eyeballs instead of dice. When rolled, the person who has the most eyeballs staring towards him is strapped to the dental chair to have his eyeballs removed.
The thrilling escape from death:
—In the meantime, the two escapees decide to go back and somehow save the other three. They break in nervously holding a gun on the Bros. Two of their buddies now have no eyes and one is still screaming on the dental chair about to have his second eye removed. (Ironically, he’s the only one who ultimately survives.) They untie him and the others.The leader shoots the monster in the head and down he goes. The blinded will have to be guided out while keeping the now furious Bros at bay.
Death returns to take one or more:
—On the escape, the rest, but one, are killed in horrendous ways. The monster has survived and is killed again. [Will fill out the story here as we progress in the course.]Resolution:
—Back to civilization, the one-eyed survivor has a dream that the monster has survived and has come to take his other eye. The last thing we see is that the monster did survive and is proudly adding another epoxied eyeball to his collection.xxx
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LESSON #3
Nick’s Characters for Horror
What I learnt: Identifying the characters is a good exercise that made me think harder about their personalities and how they will play off one another. I discovered two more characters in the process.
1. Concept and Group:
Concept:
Six twenty-something buddies go on a week-long mountain bike adventure in the Sierras and end up getting lost, only to become prey to a demented misanthrope who collects eyeballs.Group:
Thrill Seekers/Outsiders2. Dying Pattern:
Characters are killed off one by one.3. Character Identities:
They all like to play a friendly, small bet, dice game called Ship, Captain, Crew, which they establish just before they take off, and which initiates their troubles with the monsters.Leader/Moral One
—Joey Evans (26): Geologist. Organizer, He’s the oldest of the group and feels responsible for their well-being.Rescuer
—Gene Harms (25): Screenwriter with a writer’s block. Getting away to clear his mind, maybe find something to write about.Complainer
—Chet Harris (25): Computer geek. Feels naked because he can’t use his cell phone in the wilderness.Out of control / Obnoxious
—Frank Gargano (25): The most privileged of the group. Doesn’t have to work. A worldly bum. Playboy.Innocent
—Manny Gargano (20): Frank’s spoiled little brother. He’s a hotshot, master of the dirt bike.Rebel / Rule Breaker
—Sammy Mills (19), best friend with Manny. They do everything together. He is usually the main culprit of the two.The Carrier
—Buck (40s): NOT a member of the bike group, but the local who brings the horror to the group by getting the Broze gang angry and vengeful at him, and, as an extension, at the bikers. He’ll be the first to die.
xxx -
LESSON 2
Nick’s Terrifying Monster
I learned the making of a monster is found by brainstorming the necessary questions of what makes a monster who he is. In doing so, the monster grows from a seed of an idea into a full grown, terrifying being with a decent backstory of how he originated—where the only shred of empathy may lie for the monster villain.
Create an early version of your monster.Tell us what or who your monster is.
—A scar-faced, hillbilly type (40s) with a good chunk of his brain missing, leaving a hemispheric cavity visible on his left side.
—Has one working eye partially eclipsed by his upper eyelid. It’s iris is cold and as dull as a black shit stain.
—He wears an eyepatch over his left eye. The eyepatch is not leather, but a wafer of epoxy with an expressionless colored iris imbedded in it, giving him the only feature that would indicate that he has a soul.2. Give us a few sentences for each of the following for your monster:
Their Terror:
—A soulless, intimidating, predator stare.
—Once he’s fixated on pursuit, he’s tenacious to the end.
—He is preoccupied with his eyeball collection.
—He hums ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” while performing his live carvings on screaming victims. Might as well be an owl pulling a squealing mouse apart for all the calm he exhibits plucking an eye from or dismembering a victim.
—He uses his two corn-yellow buck teeth to help extract eyeballs from live victims. These elongated incisors are the only two teeth remaining in his head.
—He never sleeps, but calculates.
—Occasionally, a maggot will crawl out from under his eyepatch.
—He has no sensation of pain—could lose an arm and not be bothered.Their Mystery:
He must be blinded and killed thoroughly.
Their Fear/ Provoking Appearance:
The distorted head:
—his dead coal-black, hooded eye;
—his upturned pug nose revealing two nostrils choked with snotty hairs;
—his ears are elongated like urn handles and similarly infested with hair plugs;
—his hair is long and stringy on the right side of his head, the left side is concave with pink and gray bubble scars.
—All the above combined to manifest a repulsive, turn away, make-you-vomit freak.Their Rules:
—You don’t dis his idiot younger brothers, or, for starters, your eye becomes part of his eyeball collection; and, for enders, you are skinned alive and made into jerky. The brothers all exhibit their own unique dysfunction and lunacy.
Their Mythology:—Oldest brother of ten. Very poor. Was once a handsome, but troubled young man whose left brain hemisphere was blasted away by a shotgun suicide attempt.
xxx
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Nick’s Horror Conventions
What I learnt:
There’s a whole lotta bad horror flicks out there, particularly the low budget ones. I watched two horror movies for this lesson and they were sooooo cliche I could barely get through them. I’m sure we will do better, even if we must generally follow a standard horror structure.WATCHED HORROR MOVIES (2):
Title / Concept:
ALONETerrorize The Characters:
Jessica’s very concerned about a Jeep she passed on the road and that keeps appearing until she is terrorized by it. Lots of Anticipation here. She finally blows a tire an is incapacitated., then the kidnapper smashes her window and kidnaps her./She’s held hostage in a basement somewhere.Isolation:
She’s traveling alone with a U-Haul trailer. Locked in a room.Death:
A clueless hunter who tries to help Jessica is in a dilemma of who to believe: Her or her kidnapper. When he realizes she’s telling the truth but it’s too late.Monster/Villain:
Whoever is in the Jeep is creeping us out, worry for Jessica.High Tension:
Who’s following Jessica? Later, pursued in the woods.Departure from Reality:
Not much, if any. A disappointing very low budget horror movie with two main characters and one incidental. Plot weak, predictable. We never learn what motivates the kidnapper/killer. Wish I hadn’t wasted time watching it, but I persevered till the end. This is an example of why I don’t like horror movies.Moral Statement:
You can’t run away from your unhappy life without facing it, one way or the other.——————————————————————————-
Title / Concept:
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMERTerrorize The Characters:
Intro: A man is crashed into by four drunken, partying teens. His face is distorted in blood. He opens his eyes when they dispose of his body into the water. They agree—contentiously—never to speak of it again. A year later, they do, because of a note that is the title of the movie. Not so much sustained terror as much as a sudden killing. I wondered: Other than the four kids in the car that supposedly killed the killer, why kill other innocents? What’s the motivation?Isolation:
In a locker room; boutique shop; theater balcony; boat.Death:
The hit and run man. Max gets killed by an ice hook run into his head through under hid chin by somebody we can’t see through the steam in the fishery. Others are killed by the ice hook, the killer’s M.O.Monster/Villain:
A man considered dead who comes back for vengeance with an ice hook. Wears a hooded fisherman’s slicker, his so-called terror costume.High Tension:
What to do with the body? Maybe I’m inured by terror movies I’ve seen before, but this movie offers nothing new or scary.Departure from Reality:
Killing all with a fishermen’s ice hook. Common theme; just another trope in the form of an ice hook. (Yawn.)Moral Statement:
Be honest with your mistakes or they will haunt you.—————————————————————————
MY MOVIE IDEA:
Title:
EYEBALLSConcept:
Five twenty-something, smart-ass friends go on a week-long dirt bicycle exploratory adventure in the mountains and end up being hunted by demented locals that they unwittingly dissed earlier during a dice game; and who, for starters, will remove their eyeballs for trophies if caught.Terrorize The Characters:
The gang is relentless in its pursuit of the friends, picking them off one at a time until only one is left to outwit them or be killed.Isolation:
Very low IQ country. Rugged terrain. No phone service.Death:
The five friends witness a cruel eyeball removal on a man [monster unseen at the moment] who dissed the gang, then he’s gutted and skinned alive, like a deer, then hanged upside down from a tree branch to cure, to make jerky. Any part of this butchery, and more, could be their fate, if they are caught.Monster/Villain:
The villains proudly wear the eyeballs as colorful trophies embedded in epoxy around their necks. Their only redeeming quality as a human is they value the beauty in the various colors of irises—that’s it; otherwise, they are pure evil. Their own irises are black, like light-absorbing coal dust.High Tension:
The chases: Motorcycles chasing bicycles. Close calls and catches. Death-defying, evasive dirt bike maneuvers on the mountainous terrain. The dreadful anticipation of crude eye removal.Departure from Reality:
Nonchalantly removing the eyeballs while the victim writhes with gut-wrenching squeals. Absolutely no empathy—like threading a worm on a fishhook.Moral Statement:
Know the environment before you enter. In other words, watch what you say. It could have a different meaning, especially in an isolated, inbred culture.xxx
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Hi, everybody,
My name is Nick Walsh.
I have written 5 screenplays (incl. one TV), all but one of which I wrote taking Hal’s classes through the years. I have been working on them all until I get a Recommend from readers. I am finally, after all these years, ready to market them. But first, I want a go at Horror, never my first pick to watch. I have a pretty good idea that will make you cringe.
I have over 60 cats and they keep me and my wife very busy. I get some of my best ideas bent over, scooping litter. -
Nick Walsh
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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Nick’s Marketing Campaign
What I learnt: For once, I can say that I am ready. I’m comfortable with my query letter. I’ve learned to make hooks using arresting high points in the essential story I’m telling the producer in my query letter, to arrest their attention,
- Read through the 10 Marketing Campaigns and select ONE that you’ll take action on immediately.
I’m selecting Marketing Campaign #6: Marketing to Producers.
2. Taking that campaign, make a plan of action, listing the actions you’ll take.
Research first, then write query letters to Irish producers who have connections with American producers and streaming services, then go after producers looking for similar scripts in service sites that I subscribe to, such as: InkTip, Studio 32, Virtual Pitch Fest, etc.
3. Tell us the first action you are going to take…and take it.
As stated above; and, at the same time, building my network and maintaining it by keeping my projects and discussions out there and current.
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Richard,
“Keep in mind that the purpose of the QL is to HOOK THEM into requesting your script, not to give a detailed explanation of your story. Focus on the High Concept and the most interesting parts of your screenplay.”—[ Strategy*11:**Send*Out*Quality*Query*Letters*]
With that quote in mind, let’s see what we can do to your QL2 to sharpen the hooks.
“I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all” still doesn’t make me want to nibble. Needs context. Think beginning hook, middle hook, ending hook as your story must naturally have, such as, the inciting incident being the initial hook. Think of telling your select portion of the story in three tiers of hooks and filling the spaces between them with the essential incidentals of that chosen story. Make sentences as short as possible.
From what I can glean from your letter, here’s a not so accurate example for you. Short with lots of white space.
Beginning hook: Corporal Jessica awakens to find everyone around her is dead.
Fill-in: Turns out, she’s the lone survivor of a top secret government bio experiment for selective genocide.
Middle hook: Her military handlers want to know why she didn’t die.
Fill-in: Her movements are controlled by drugs administered by a psychopathic doctor who heads a rogue unit secretly intent on a bio attack on Washington, D.C. potent enough to kill everything breathing in the area. But she has one thing they don’t have: immunity.
Ending hook: Can Jessica come out of her fog and stop the bio attack in time?
Hope this helps.
Good writing…
Nick
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Richard Senne,
Thanks for the compliment on my Query letter. In answer to your question:
The latter half of the series takes place in America, where Michael goes on an odyssey to find his lover who had to leave Ireland without him, thinking he was dead. I’m glad you caught that. I was hoping producers would assume that, with the comparison to Roots—oppression, forced across the ocean to a foreign land, no rights, etc.
I’ve tried to include it without adding much more exposition. Hard to do without drifting onto another pathway. It took me a while to reduce the many choices I had to hearing his lover’s confession to find a really good hook and make the letter interesting. I just couldn’t broaden it to include his escape to Canada. BTW, his lover, Kathleen, lands in New Orleans at the height of the slave trade. They couldn’t be further apart. It takes him years and many adventures on both their parts to find each other. They finally marry and homestead new land that just opened up in Iowa after the expulsion of the Indians living there.
Keep me posted about your letter. It’s a perpetual work in progress.
Nick
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Nick’s Query Letter Draft II
What I learnt: There’s still room to improve if you dwell on it under the mild influence of pot and Guinness.
SECOND NEAR-FINAL ATTEMPT AT A PERFECT QUERY LETTER
Hi _____,
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
Genre: Drama (one hour TV series)
It’s the Irish version of Roots.
English tyranny and famine plague mid-19th century Ireland. Into this dystopian environment we follow the eventful adventures in the life of MICHAEL MURPHY (26), a liberty-seeking, freedom-loving renaissance man, not given to following stupid rules and on the lam for murder. As Irish luck would have it,…
…he discovers a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
He hides in plain sight from English authorities as a charismatic parish priest. One day he unwittingly hears his long-lost-lover’s confession, rekindling a strong desire for her. But he can’t tell her he’s not a priest without exposing himself as the sacrilegious fraud he is, and lose her. Then the blight hits; potato crops fail overnight.. The parish turns its collective head to him for their salvation.
What’s a wanted murderer posing as a priest to do? Be a shepherd or a wolf…or both?
BIO: Shortlist Finalist (one of five) in the Page Turner 2022 International Screenwriting Contest. Graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master Certificate program.
FYI: My great grandfather emigrated from Dromtariff Parish, Cork, Ireland in 1850. I traveled there to search for my ancestral roots. Hence, this fascinating tale.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script and/or the series bible.
Sincerely,
Nick
Nick Walsh, Screenwriter
202 East Sycamore Street
St. Charles, Iowa 50240 USA
515.570.3580
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Richard,
Yeah. It’s tough to sort out. You just have to look at it from a different angle and wait for it. I’m posting my second attempt now. Let me know what you come up with. I’ll critique it, if you want.
Keep at it,
Nick
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Hi Richard,
Loglines, synopses, and query letters: the bane of a creative writer’s existence, where now we have to be ever more brief, squeeze out the essence, then figure out which essential part to stress and create an irresistible hook, each self-contained in one short sentence and part of the flow of the story.
Sometimes we are deafened by the excessive noise of our own story to hear what can be a hook if manipulated so by word choice or unexpected action. It took me a long time to distill my hooks because there are essential details that must be included to understand the story and, hence, the hooks. That’s not so. i’ve learned to be more profoundly broad to a core aspect of the piece.
I really enjoyed your story. Got Into it, actually, (it has a lot of potential) and did a little inventing of my own to exemplify what I think would be a stronger hook than your original, softer hook.
Hope the following inspires you.
Nick
COMMENTS ON YOUR ORIGINAL QUERY LETTER TO ME
Hi, _____,
I have PRECISE STRIKE, which is Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
[I don’t think you need to begin with this. Instead, use it in your email subject line and repeat it in your letter. I think it will capture a select producer more easily.]
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
[Curious: Why not “Precision Strike?” Does Precise have another meaning? Nonetheless, I think if you place an article before it, as in The Precise Strike, it gives it more specificity and creates a subtle layer curiosity about what it might be about and indicates that it’s more likely to be detailed-planned or built up. Just a passing thought.]
Genre: Action/Thriller
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
[First of all, you should have quotes if you’re quoting from the story, which I think you are, otherwise it’s just you talking out of context to begin the story context that doesn’t follow sequentially. Secondly, it’s a soft hook. There’s no empathy in the unknown: Who is I and who are them? No connection, yet.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military.
[This sentence is confusing in that a sole survivor is an only survivor, so how can she get kicked out of the military? Clearer: Jessica is drummed out of the Navy after she alone survived a bio-weapon attack that wiped out her entire battalion.]
She hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
A whole lot of details here. Are they necessary? Brings up question Why is she being targeted like this?
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Consider: Jessica beats a coworker to death thinking she is a terrorist.
Now she’s a murderer!
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest.
Consider: Her boyfriend arranges an escape to a retreat in the mountains for her.
She discovers one of her doctors is a psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Consider: It’s there Jessica learns the truth: She’s a prisoner. That she unwittingly is a key part of an elaborate conspiracy plot to take over the world and create a global autocracy, and only she can stop it.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
Can Jessica use her immunity to save the world from succumbing to autocracy?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
_______________________________________
REVISED EMAIL QUERY FOR RICHARD:
Hi, _____,
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/Thriller
Where Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
JESSICA survives a bio-chemical terrorist attack that wipes out her entire battalion only to find out she is immune to this bio-chemical. A manipulative doctor prescribes medications to control her PTSD resulting in Jessica stabbing a coworker to death thinking he was a terrorist.
Jessica is now wanted for a murder she don’t remember.
Her boyfriend, a concerned RESEARCH DOCTOR arranges a retreat in the mountains to help her. While at the retreat, Jessica learns that she plays a key part of an elaborate conspiracy to create a global autocracy, with one man at its head, and that man is her boyfriend scientist.
Can Jessica’s immunity save the world from succumbing to the world’s first AI autocracy?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
—————————-
ORIGINAL QUERY LETTER FROM RICHARD
Hi ________,
I have PRECISE STRIKE, which is Black Widow meets Cape Fear.
Title: PRECISE STRIKE
Genre: Action/ThrillerZZZ
I’m going to kill them. I’m going to kill them all.
Jessica is the sole survivor of a bio-weapon attack, but gets kicked out of the military. She hunts for the terrorists. Her resolve wavers when she meets her boyfriend from college and begins to work with him. Her doctors, who she doesn’t know are the terrorists, conspire against her and give her drugs to make her paranoid.
Jessica viciously beats a co-worker she believes is a terrorist. But she has the wrong guy.
Her doctor manipulates her and she goes to the mountains for rest. She discovers one of her doctors is a psychopath determined to experiment on her. They have a secret base to launch a bio-weapon drone on Washington. Before she can tell anyone they take her captive.
Can Jessica escape and stop the attack before thousands die?
If you like the concept of PRECISE STRIKE, I’d be happy to send you the script.
RIchard Senne
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Nick’s Query Letter Draft 1
What I learnt: Overall, make every sentence a hook to make a reluctant reader want to read more.
Hi _____,
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
Genre: Drama (one hour TV series)
It’s the Irish version of Roots.
A genocidal government, tyranny, and famine plague mid-19th century Ireland. Into this dystopian society we follow the life and shenanigans of MICHAEL MURPHY (26), a liberty-seeking, freedom loving renaissance man on the lam for murder. As luck would have it,…
…he discovers a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
He hides in plain sight from English authorities as a charismatic parish priest. One day he unwittingly hears his long-lost-lover’s confession, rekindling a desire for her. But he can’t tell her he’s not a priest without exposing himself as the sacrilegious fraud he is, and lose her. Then the potato crop fails. The parish looks to him for their salvation.
What’s a wanted murderer posing as a priest to do? Be a shepherd or be a wolf…or be both?
BIO: Shortlist Finalist (one of five) in the Page Turner 2022 International Screenwriting Contest. Graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master program. My great grandfather emigrated from Cork, Ireland in 1850. I traveled there in search of my ancestral roots. Hence, the story.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the pilot script.
Sincerely,
Nick
Nick Walsh,
Feature and TV Series screenwriter
202 East Sycamore Street
St. Charles, Iowa 50240 USA
515.570.3580
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Nick’s Phone Pitch
What I learnt: I think leading with a unique High Concept is sure to capture the instant attention of the producer. It’s the basis for the other three strategies, presented as options here.
- Tell us which of the four strategies you are going to use to open your pitch:
I will lead with a High Concept.
2. Give us your script for phone call pitches, like I did above.
Hi, my name is Nick Walsh. I’m a screenwriter and I have a two-second pitch for you. Would you like to hear it? [Yes.] It’s the Irish equivalent to Roots….
3. Give us a one or two sentence answer to the questions a producer may ask:
What’s the budget range?
$1-5 million per episode.
Who do you see in the main roles?
My characters as complex and emotional. A great opportunity for up and coming Irish actors to show their depth. Someone like Cillian Murphy or Saoirse Ronan.
How many pages is the script?
62.
Who else has seen this?
Two Irish producers have read it and liked it but say it would be a hard sell for them because of their size and connections..
Why do you think this fits our company?
You have taken on big projects and were successful and that tells me you have vision and that’s the kind of producer I’m looking for.
How does the movie end?
The Pilot ends (to be continued) when Michael learns of Rose’s murder just as he has made up his inebriated mind to run away.
The Series ends when Michael and Kathleen, after years of struggle and misery, cross the Mississippi and step onto the fertile land of Iowa, newly opened to immigrant, including Irish, settlement. Freedom at last.
xxx
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Nick’s Pitch Fest Pitch
What I learnt: Keep it brief. Don’t over speak. And don’t forget to pause after delivering a hook.
Create your entire Pitch Fest Pitch.
- Tell us your credibility.
I was a finalist in PageTurner International and Stagecraft contests and 2nd Place Runnerup at Austin.
2. Tell us your genre and title.
Genre: Drama
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
3. What is your one or two sentence hook?
It’s the Irish version of Roots.
4. Please give your one or two sentence answer to each of these questions:
- What is the budget range?
Middle budget: 15-30 million.
- What actors do you like for the lead roles?
First choice would be Cillian Murphy, who could portray a young Michael as well as an old man. Second choice: Colin Ferrill.
- Give me the acts of the story.
Act 1: Fugitive MICHAEL (26) finds a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
Act 2: Michael’s new confidant, ROSE (50s), encourages him to stay as the parish priest they’ve been waiting for, at least until the police stop hunting for him.
Act 3: Michael is tormented by committing the unforgivable sacrilege of hearing his old flame’s confession. After some heavy drinking/thinking, he decides to run away.
- <b class=””>How does it end? (setup / payoff).
As Michael gets set to run away, he learns that Rose has been killed.
- Credibility questions What have you done?
I am a graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master program and have written four features and one TV series pilot. All my screenplays have placed high in big contests, including Austin. This pilot was shortlist Finalist at PageTurner.
xxx
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Nick Walsh’s Query Letter
What I learnt: To write the great query letter, ideally, make every sentence stand alone as a hook.
- Start with your synopsis from Lesson 6, even if it is a first draft.
FIRST DRAFT OF SYNOPSIS:
The Irish version of Roots.
Tyranny and famine in Ireland force the Irish to emigrate across a treacherous ocean to a place that has nothing but contempt for them. Into this environment, we follow the exploits and shenanigans of a young Irishman wanted for murder, desperately seeking an escape to America. He is MICHAEL MURPHY (26), a renaissance man and atheist.
He discovers a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
He hides in plain sight from English authorities as a charismatic parish priest and is protected by his new confidant, ROSE (50s). He becomes deeply troubled when he unwittingly hears his long-lost-lover’s confession, rekindling a desire for her. He can’t tell her he’s not a priest without implicating himself as the sacrilegious fraud he is, so a priest for now he must stay. He gets drunk and decides to leave. But just as he mounts his horse, he learns Rose has been murdered.
Then the potato crop fails. The parish looks to him as their savior and protector. What’s a wanted man craving liberty and posing as a priest to do? Be a shepherd or a wolf.
2. Craft an Opening Hook and put it at the top of the page.
This opening hook should lure us into the concept. Remember, it will be a bold statement, question, setup/punchline, or a quote from the lead character.
Bold statement:
The Irish version of Roots.
3. Write your Bio and add it below the salutation with the word “BIO:” before it.
BIO: My great grandfather emigrated from Ireland in 1850 to escape the famine. I have traveled to Ireland to find my roots. This TV series is the result. The pilot was one of five finalists in the Page Turner International Screenwriting Contest.
4. Make sure it has all the Basics covered (from Part One).
- Opening Hook
- Synopsis
- Request
- Bio
- Contact information
Hi _____,
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
Genre: Drama (one hour TV series)
It’s the Irish version of Roots.
A dystopian government, tyranny, and famine plague mid-19th century Ireland. Into this dystopian environment we follow the life and shenanigans of MICHAEL MURPHY (26), a liberty-seeking renaissance man on the lam for murder. As luck would have it,…
…he discovers a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
He hides in plain sight from English authorities as a charismatic parish priest. Then he unwittingly hears his long-lost-lover’s confession, rekindling a desire for her. But he can’t tell her he’s not a priest without exposing himself as the sacrilegious fraud he is, and lose her. Then the potato crop fails. The parish looks to him for their salvation.
What’s a wanted murderer posing as a priest to do? Be a shepherd or a wolf…or both?
BIO: Shortlist Finalist (one of five) in the Page Turner 2022 International Screenwriting Contest. Graduate of ScreenwritingU’s Master Screenwriter Certificate (MSC) program. My great grandfather emigrated from Cork, Ireland in 1850. Been there to find my roots.
If you like the concept, I’d be happy to send you the script.
Sincerely,
Nick
Nick Walsh,
Feature and TV Series screenwriter
202 East Sycamore Street
St. Charles, Iowa 50240 USA
515.570.3580
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Nick Walsh / High Concept/Elevator Pitch
What I learnt: Find the most powerful hook of your story and express it in a single sentence to get a producer’s attention, then wait. Don’t over state. Bare bones only.
- To find your main hook, give us what is most unique about your lead character’s journey from a big picture perspective.
Most Unique Thing:
How do you court the woman of your dreams while pretending to be a priest?
How do you hide in plain sight when you are hunted?
2. How can you tell it in the most interesting way possible.
- Dilemma
To stay for love and risk capture, or run away to freedom and risk capture.
- Main Conflict
Protestant laws and attitudes against the lowly Irish Catholic.
- What’s at stake?
Freedom. Michael will be hanged if he is caught.
- Goal/Unique Opposition
How do you ask the woman of your dreams to go on the lam with you when the state is looking to hang you and she thinks you are a priest?
3. Using the 10 Components of Marketability, what is your Elevator Pitch?
I have written a pilot for a TV Series drama entitled, “The Rogue of Connemara”. It’s the Irish equivalent to Roots.
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Nick Walsh / Synopsis Hooks
What I learnt: Make sure you write real hooks into your story so as to make a fascinating cover letter to entice a producer.
The key to your success is to select HOOKS to tell your story through.
Take your list of 10 COM and 10 MIT for your story.Select 6 – 10 hooks that could give an overview of your story.
–The Irish version of Roots.
–Tyranny and famine in the homeland force the Irish to escape across a treacherous ocean, where half die trying, to a place that has nothing but contempt for them. Many aspects along the timeline of this diaspora have been portrayed in movies, but none followed a generational history that paints a whole canvas or tells the whole story /journey from tyranny and hunger to freedom and plenty, as lived through the adventurous life of a cunning, but good natured roguish, renaissance man seeking liberty in a world that hates him and love for a woman he can’t find.
—What appears as a soldier leading his comrades in a charge turns out to be that soldier’s armed pursuers.
—Pegasus incredulously leaps a 7-foot fence and escapes with Michael.
—An emotional departure as Michael releases his beloved Pegasus back into the wild to avoid being captured, too.
—A surreal aspect of a horse calmly grazing with a saddle hanging loosely underbelly, in the middle of the road.
—A dead priest on the road at edge of cliff.
—Michael smashes the dead priest’s face in with a rock to erase his true identity.
—Michael, an atheist, takes over the dead priest’s identity.
—A memorable image: Rose pulling on the tail of a milk cow; a repossessor pulling on the rein at other end; and a very drunk Michael intervening on his horse and getting clubbed senseless for the effort.
—Michael unwittingly hears Kathleen’s confession.
—Michael learns Rose has been murdered as he’s about to run away. He must make a fast decision: To get on his horse and ride away, chancing getting caught; or, staying to get revenge for Rose’s alleged murder, chancing getting caught.
Using those hooks as an outline, write a first draft of your synopsis.
FIRST DRAFT OF SYNOPSIS:
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
Genre: Drama
Synopsis:
The Irish version of Roots.
Tyranny and famine in the Old Sod Ireland force the Irish to emigrate across a treacherous ocean to a place that has nothing but contempt for them. Into this environment, we follow the exploits and shenanigans of a young Irishman wanted for murder, desperately seeking an escape to America. He is MICHAEL MURPHY (26), a renaissance man and atheist.
He discovers a dead priest on the road and steals his identity.
He hides in plain sight from English authorities as a charismatic parish priest and is protected by his new confidant, ROSE (50s). He becomes deeply troubled when he unwittingly hears his long-lost-lover’s confession, rekindling a desire for her. He can’t tell her he’s not a priest without implicating himself as the sacrilegious fraud he is, so a priest for now he must stay. He gets drunk and decides to leave. But just as he mounts his horse, he learns Rose has been murdered.
Then the potato crop fails. The parish looks to him for salvation What’s a wanted man craving liberty and posing as a priest to do? Be a shepherd.
xxx
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Nick Walsh / 10 MOST INTERESTING THINGS
What I learnt: “… interesting things” are things discovered when asking the appropriate hidden questions, and, in doing so, can give more insight on how to present it and make the story even more interesting.
1. Go through your project and see which of these specific hooks you have:
- A. What is most unique about your villain and hero?
—Protag, Michael, pretending to be a priest is an atheist.
- B. Major hook of your opening scene?
—Pegasus leaps a 7-foot fence and escapes with Michael.
- C. Any turning points?
—The soldiers are shooting at him.
—Michael regretfully hears Kathleen’s confession and decides to go on the run again.
—The news of Rose’s murder at episode end causes him to stay and get revenge.
- D. Emotional dilemma?
—Michael releases his beloved Pegasus back into the wild to avoid being captured, too.
—Michael must make a fast decision: To get on his horse and ride away, chancing getting caught; or, staying to get revenge, chancing getting caught
- E. Major twists?
—Soldiers are stopped by the same wall that was intended to entrap Michael.
—Michael unwittingly hears Kathleen’s confession.
- F. Reversals?
—What appears as a soldier leading his comrades into battle turns out to be that soldier’s armed pursuers.
- G. Character betrayals?
—Just the opposite: Kathleen is coerced by the police to ID Michael, but doesn’t.
- H. Any big surprises?
—A surreal aspect of a horse calmly grazing with a saddle hanging loosely underbelly, in the middle of the road.
—A dead priest at edge of cliff.
—Michael smashes the dead priest’s face in with a rock.
2. Make a list of any other things in your script that could interest a producer.
—Michael cleverly removes Pegasus’ horseshoes in a bog.
—Michael takes over the dead priest’s identity.
—Rose pulling on the tail of a cow, a repossessor pulling by the rein at other end.
—Michael unwittingly hears Kathleen’s confession.
3. Select the 10 most interesting things.
—What appears as a soldier leading his comrades in a charge turns out to be that soldier’s armed pursuers.
—Pegasus incredulously leaps a 7-foot fence and escapes with Michael.
—An emotional departure as Michael releases his beloved Pegasus back into the wild to avoid being captured, too.
—A surreal aspect of a horse calmly grazing with a saddle hanging loosely underbelly, in the middle of the road.
—A dead priest at edge of cliff.
—Michael smashes the dead priest’s face in with a rock to erase his true identity.
—Michael, an atheist, takes over the dead priest’s identity.
—Rose pulling on the tail of a cow, a repossessor pulling by the rein at other end and a very drunk Michael intervening on his horse and getting clubbed senseless for the effort.
—Michael unwittingly hears Kathleen’s confession.
—Michael learns Rose has been murdered as he’s about to run away. He must make a fast decision: To get on his horse and ride away, chancing getting caught; or, staying to get revenge for Rose’s alleged murder, chancing getting caught.
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Nick Walsh / Producer/Manager
What I learnt: A query template does not work for all. It’s all about convincing producers that money can be made on your project,
Answer two questions:
- How will you present yourself and your project to the producer?
I would present myself as a writer who has a marketable product for an over-25 audience and believes it would attract lead actors—male and female—because of the unique story and range of emotions and feelings they must bare. This TV drama is an historical epic, comparable to Roots, telling the generational story of the great Irish diaspora from starving Ireland to settlement in America during the mid-19th century. Because it is a unique story—as seen through the eyes of the charismatic protagonist, who happens to be wanted for murder—and also has epic potential, it should attract directors and interested investors. The scope and length of the project is cost flexible.
2. How will you present yourself and your project to the manager?
I would present myself as a writer who has five finished screenplays currently in my portfolio, with a couple more baking in the oven. One of my screenplays is the pilot for a TV series and it was one of five finalists in the PageTurner international competition, 2021. It is fiction, but based around real historical events. The protagonist weaves together historical events as he travels in his quest for liberty and a lost lover, much like the Hoffman character in Little Big Man, where he finds himself involved in all the key events of the last half of the nineteenth century; or Forrest Tucker, where Hanks is at every key event of the last half of the 20th century. This series shows how the Irish suffered and died and perservered through wit and song and ale and God. Real stories of survival are myriad and are there to be exploited for great episodic stories and a lengthy series.
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Nick Walsh’s Marketable Components
What I learnt: Don’t be a Jack of all trades, master one. Perfect your best market component to an irresistible hook.
- Tell us your current logline.
A fugitive murderer in 1847 Ireland temporarily poses as a Catholic priest to evade the English looking to hang him; then suddenly finds himself in the middle of a famine, and his starving parish needs him to stay and perform miracles.
2. Look through the 10 Components of Marketability and pick one or two that have the most potential for selling this script.
3. Do a quick brainstorm session about ways to elevate those two components for this script and tell us how you might pitch the script through the two components.
- I. Similarity to a box-office success.
The Irish version of Roots. Tyranny and famine in the homeland force the Irish to escape across a treacherous ocean, where half die trying, to a place that has nothing but contempt for them. Many aspects along the timeline of this diaspora have been portrayed in movies, but none followed a generational history that paints a whole canvas or tells the whole story journey from tyranny to freedom, as lived through the adventurous life of a cunning renaissance man desperately seeking liberty in a new land that hates him.
- J. A great role for a bankable actor.
I think my TV series will give an actor the opportunity to showcase a broad spectrum of emotions and feelings. The complex protagonist is unique and memorable in speech and action and emotion.
- B. Great title.
I’ve had many iterations of a title, beginning with When Irish Eyes Are Cryin’ to my latest choice: The Rogue of Connemara. I’m now considering a title with broader, thematic meaning: The Old Sod. I like it because the first half is about escaping from the Old Sod of Ireland and the second half is yearning for it. I’m considering changing. Any thoughts from my fellow classmates?
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Nick Walsh /Project and Market
Genre: Drama
Title: The Rogue of Connemara
Concept: 1847 Ireland. A wanted murder fugitive disguises himself as a priest to escape a hanging.
My story is about a desperate man’s flight to freedom using his charm and wit to adapt to any situation as he confounds the enemy by posing as a priest and other masquerades.
The interesting thing about my story is that it about the Irish diaspora to North America during the Great Famine of the mid-19th century as it is told over time through one man’s eyes on his quest for freedom, and a lost love in America. An Irish version of Roots.
I will first target an actor production company because I have a specific Irish actor or two in mind, then producers (Irish first), while concurrently looking for a literary agent.
What I learned (again) today is to be concise and specific, not detailed. Just get the BIG picture across.
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1. Nick Walsh
2. “I agree to the terms of this release form.”
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.
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My name is Nick Walsh
I have written four feature scripts and one TV Pilot. I wrote all but one while taking SU classes over the past six years. Because of Hal’s great models (and I was fortunate that he taught “live” in those early classes), they have all had no less than semi-finalist results, with one being one of five finalists at Page in ’21.
I dread this class, but must learn to get over my fear of talking about my work. This is my greatest weakness and is keeping me from achieving ultimate success. I have the fear of success.
I have 60+ cats and they all have names and they only allow me to write in short spurts during the day and far into the night.
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Nick’s Outline Version
Title: Spooky Holler Massacray
Logline: Captured and tortured by murdering skinheads on a camping trip to Georgia, a disabled war vet with PTSD escapes and must try to save his friends, but he has one big problem: The skinheads smashed his prosthetic legs.
Action Outline: I did not do an outline for this course, but instead took action scenes from a script I created previously and really beefed them up. So, instead of an outline, I will post the intro to my screenplay, which I greatly improved from a third of a page to two pages. If anybody did the same and wants to exchange scenes, I’m up for it. An, outline doesn’t get to the emotional impact of a detailed scene, I think, which is what this course is about.
OPENING SCENE:
OVER BLACK
THE SOUNDS OF BATTLE–EXPLOSIONS, RATTLING GUNFIRE, PINGING METAL. Sounds of DEBRIS CRASHING DOWN. The WHIRRING SCREAM of a wounded helicopter going down.
PILOT’S VOICE (O.S.)
May Day…May Day. Can’t pull up. Coordinates…
The SOUND OF A VIOLENT THUMPING CRASH and SCREECHING METAL. Then quiet.
An infant’s WAIL breaks the brief silence.
FADE IN:
EXT. DESERTED AFGHAN TOWN STREET – DAY
Our eyes are suddenly opened to the aftermath of what our ears just heard: Shattered brick piles, twisted metal, burning vehicles, and bloody, dead civilian and Taliban bodies litter the street.
U.S. Army Medic Sergeant JUAN DIAZ (30s) dashes low towards us with his medic pack across bare no-man’s land as bullets ZING around him, then weaves and dodges his way through the protective piles of wreckage on the street.
He runs up to the smoking helicopter in the f.g. and dives next to it as bullets THUD against the copter. He’s breathing fast and is scared shitless. Sweat rains from his hot face.
He crawls over to the cockpit. It’s obvious the helicopter pilot hanging from his seatbelt is dead. He checks for a pulse anyway.
His attention now turns to a baby SCREAMING nearby, unseen.
BULLETS ZIPPING around him, he dashes over to a tipped truck, gets behind it. He sidles along the undercarriage, peeks around to SEE a dead WOMAN in a black burka crumpled in the middle of the dirt street.
An INFANT covered in blood WAILS forlornly beside her.
Juan ducks his head back in, his eyes darting back and forth wondering what to do. He edges a look at the baby again and ducks back in. He closes his eyes and mumbles something to himself, makes the Sign of the Cross, and pulls out his .45.
He dashes into the street. GUNFIRE! Bullets SPLASHING the dirt around him. He grabs up the child and runs back firing his .45 aimlessly around him–BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!–and dives behind the tipped truck.
He quickly checks the baby over.
JUAN
You’re okay, baby. I’m going to get you outta here. Just hang on tight.
He hugs the CRYING infant firmly in one arm as he prepares to make a mad dash for safety.
TALIBAN WARRIOR #1 skips over the truck and dives at Juan with knife in hand. Juan SEES his shadow and ducks as the Taliban flies over him and hits the ground rolling. He jumps and charges at Juan.
BLAM! He flips over from a sniper bullet to the head.
TALIBAN #2 charges at him. Juan round kicks him in the jaw with his foot, drives his pistol into his groin and fires.
Juan turns as Taliban #3 charges at him with a knife. Juan squeezes the trigger. Nothing. Out of bullets. Juan drops low, still holding the child firmly in one arm, and sweeps his leg into the side of the Taliban’s knee.
The Taliban goes down SCREAMING. Juan finishes him off with a round kick to the head.
Juan takes off on a dead run, zig-zagging his way around debris under GUNFIRE.
On the top of a building, Taliban #4 takes aim at Juan as he runs below him.
CLOSE ON TALIBAN #4 as a hole suddenly appears in his head. He topples over and crashes in front of Juan.
Juan stops and looks off across the broad empty street. An AMERICAN SNIPER gestures to him to run towards him.
Juan stares across an open, unprotected fifty yards towards the sniper and safety as the sniper BLASTS AWAY, providing cover. Juan takes off, both arms around the baby, bullets ZINGING all around him.
TSINK! A bullet blows the helmet off his head. THUK! Another hits his medic pack.
CLOSE ON the GLINT OF A BURIED IED land mine —
— SLO-MO as Juan’s foot steps on it —
CLICK!
KABOOM! DUST, FIRE, BLOOD fill the screen. Then BLACKNESS.
SUPER: “Ten Months Later”
EXT. MIAMI AIRPORT – DAY
A jet airliner lands.
-
Nick’s Fast Formatting
What I learned: Finding the right word can eliminate a lot of verbiage and convey the same idea more dramatically.
A Climax Scene from Spooky Holler Massacray
INT. BARN – CONTINUOUS
Juan races up to Gloria.
JUAN
Gloria! I’m here!
He pulls her gag down.
GLORIA
Juan! Thank god! Ooh, baby, be careful! Don’t move me. You’ll tear my ear off.
JUAN
(sees the nail)
What did they do to you?
GLORIA
Get Coral, first.
Juan moves over to Coral, unlatches, raises the yoke. He turns back to Gloria. Coral stands, removes her gag, pulls up her shorts and ties her blouse ends together.
CORAL
Where’s Emilio?
JUAN
He’s distracting them for now. We must hurry!
Coral drops and unties the ropes around Gloria’s legs. Juan examines the nail in Gloria’s ear.
JUAN
Where’s the hammer he nailed it with?
CORAL
Here it is!
She picks it up, hands it to Juan.
WE HEAR Emilio’s WOODY WOODPECKER TRILL in the distance:
EMILIO (O.S.)
AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa!…
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A pregnant pause.
Coral looks toward the sound, her face anguished.
CORAL
Emilio!
EMILIO (O.S.)
AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa!…
BLAM! BLAM!…
Juan tentatively brings the hammer claw up to the washer, touches the smashed, purple ear underneath.
GLORIA
Ow! Ooo!
JUAN
(dreading it)
I can’t get the claw in without mauling your ear.
GLORIA
Okay! Okay!…Wait!…
(a nervous chuckle)
Better my ear than my life. Right?…Okay, do it!
Juan examines an area on the post just above her head.
JUAN
I’ve got a better way.
He focuses on the area as he steps back.
GLORIA
(nervous)
What are you doing?
JUAN
Trust me on this, sweetheart.
She drops her eye down to his feet.
GLORIA
What the…?
She squeezes her eyes shut as Juan twirls a round-house kick into the stanchion’s corner edge,…
…and, SOUNDING LIKE TEARING CLOTH, he rips away a three-foot splint from just above Gloria’s head,…
…splitting through the nail like a lightening bolt, releasing it,…
…and Gloria is free. She works the washer with both hands, like taking off an earring, winces, then yanks the nail from her ear and throws it angrily onto the floor.
CLOSE ON nail as it bounces and lands on the washer, NAIL POINTED UP.
Gloria knots her blouse, then gingerly touches her ear.
JUAN
You all right?
GLORIA
How does it look?
JUAN
It’ll be fine. Did they — you know…?
GLORIA
Tried.
They quickly hug and kiss. He releases and grabs her hand.
JUAN
Come on! We gotta go!
GLORIA
(looking down)
Where did you get those legs?
JUAN
Later…Let’s Go.
He grabs Coral’s hand. They start to run, freeze. Buck and Microcephalic Twin #1 glare at them over the Dutch door.
BUCK
Whey ya goin’ with them there does?
Buck kicks open the half-door, stomps in.
Juan and the girls spin around, take a step, freeze.
Dora Hitchcock stands woozily in front of the lean-to doorway, footprint bruises on her face, glaring at them. Around her stand Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Donny, Walt, and M.Twin #2.
DORA HITCHCOCK
You kilt ma boys, blowed up ma shed, ‘n made a motacicle junkyard of ma front yard. You crispies is outta control. So here’s what we gonna do.
GLORIA
Crispies? How many names you got for us?
DORA HITCHCOCK
Tell me yo’ sorry and I maght fergive y’all befo’ I butcha y’all. Be mo’ kosha that way.
(shakes her head)
I grant cha… Y’all’s the most wildest crittas ma boys ‘n yours truly ehva tangled with.
GLORIA
Critters! We’re human beings, you — you psychopathic sow!
DORA HITCHCOCK
Ooh. Big word. Gots a little feisty left in ya, don’ cha? You don’ make it easy, that’s fer sure.
(to the skinheads)
Boys!
Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2 spread out around her.
DORA HITCHCOCK
Y’all’s a once-‘n-a-lifetime catch! It’ll be a special hona to serve y’all up as a fi’-star guest en-tree.
THOP! A 5-inch circular saw blade instantly appears on Dora Hitchcock’s forehead. She stumbles backwards, BANGS against the wall and slides down to the floor, out cold. The horse collar crashes over her head–a ringer.
Leon, Sonny, Dolf, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2 turn to her, stare down uncomprehendingly.
SKINHEADS
Mama?…Mama?…Mama?…Mama?….
Coral whips around, beaming with relief at the sight of Emilio as he steps through the Dutch door behind Buck and Microcephalic Twin #1.
CORAL
Emilio!
Buck and MT #1 turn to Emilio as he fires a saw blade between MT #1’s teeth. THOP! Rips his cheeks back to his tonsils. His jaw drops into a “Scream”-like yawn. He ROARS LIKE A BASSOON, pulls away the blade.
Buck draws his gun and points it at Emilio, then jumps and freezes in saucer-eyed shock.
Juan pulls his foot blade out from Buck’s ass.
JUAN
Piggy-pokey, mother fucker!
Buck drops to his knees; twists around to fire at Juan. THOP! A saw blade in his neck. Blood spurts. The gun discharges aimlessly — BLAM! He tips over, crashes to the floor.
Juan snatches up the gun, turns to the stunned skinheads.
JUAN
Stay right where you are!
Microcephalic #2 pulls out his knife, charges towards Emilio. Coral lunges against the back of his legs, clamps on. He crashes forward onto his face, then doesn’t move anymore.
Emilio takes MT #2’s knife, stands with Juan. Gloria and Coral dash over to the wall, grab hayforks.
Walt charges. Juan squeezes the trigger: CLICK! CLICK!
Juan jumps aside, spins a 360-degree aerial wheel into Walt’s thorax. THUK! Walt crashes forward.
Emilio zings a saw blade. Dolf ducks it. It sticks vertically into the stanchion. THUD!
EMILIO
(to Juan)
My last one!
They dash over to the wall, make a stand in front of Gloria and Coral. Skinheads move towards them, teasing their knives.
Sonny lunges at Juan. Juan spins, snags his blade on a log chain hanging from the rafter. He falls backward, kicks the knife out of Sonny’s hand.
Sonny grabs him by the blades, wheels him around, slams him into the back of Leon, creeping towards Gloria. Gloria instantly anchors the end of the pitchfork handle to the floor with her foot as Leon lurches at her at full speed.
GLORIA
Eat this, you fuck!
Leon sinks into the fork tines with momentum, causing the pitchfork and him to rise over her and crash into the mounted moose head. The hayfork stays vertical, balanced.
ON LEON AND MOOSE HEAD: His nose smashed against the moose’s snout. Their dead, startled eyes stare at one another.
Sonny wheels Juan around like a hammer thrower.
— Juan SEES it coming, tucks in his head as his hair grazes a stanchion.
A knife SWIPES across the screen. Emilio dodges it and, like a cobra, flicks his fingers into Donny’s eyes. Both eyes pop out, and hang down his cheek like paddle balls.
Donny ROARS, swings his knife at Emilio. Emilio backs off.
Donny charges low, like a bull, arms spread to capture. Emilio elegantly sidesteps as Donny hurtles by, trips and runs headlong into the saw blade struck in the stanchion earlier, cleaving his skull and sticking him there.
Donny slumps into a genuflecting pose, head morticed to the stanchion, eyeballs swaying and bumping each other.
Sonny whirls Juan in faster circles. He lets go of Juan’s legs and falls back dizzy. Juan CRASHES into the hanging chain, grabs on, and swings out with it. Sonny staggers up, starts toward Juan as Juan swings out and back, quick-steps against the barn wall, comes around, and snags Sonny in the gut with a sweeping kick and pulls it out.
Sonny stands in shock as he watches twenty feet of his small intestine unravel from his gut, then six feet of colon.
Stretched to its limit, Juan kicks the intestine off his blade. It snaps lazily back and coils thickly around Sonny’s neck. Sonny CHOKES, topples backwards into a sitting position against the wall.
Coral makes jabs at Dolf with her hayfork. He knocks it away, grabs her by the throat, snarls:
DOLF
I want some of that red….
SNAP-SLAP! A black snake whip coils around his neck. He’s yanked backwards.
Emilio pulls on the whip, forces Dolf to run backwards in a circle, off balance, over to the guillotine.
Emilio trips into a manure gutter, falls, lets go of the whip.
Dolf tumbles onto the guillotine table —
slides through the blade’s tree frame —
grabs onto the release lever —
The guillotine blade swooshes down —
KARSZIT!
The top quarter of Dolf’s body rolls off the table–
lands upright on the floor —
an armless bust on an expanding pad of blood.
A severed length of whip hangs from Dolf’s neck like a thick Texas string-tie. His eyeballs flutter white.
DOLF’S BUST
(nodding off–dead)
Redheads!
EXT. SPOOKY HOLLER ROAD ENTRANCE – TWILIGHT
Mankill leads a stream of skinheads on Harleys off the blacktop, BLATS into the hollow.
INT. BARN – MORNING
Juan, Gloria, Coral join Emilio, who tries to get up.
EMILIO
I tore a ligament in my ankle.
Juan helps him up. Emilio hops, grimaces, can barely stand. Coral gets under his arm.
CORAL
You’re my man, baby!
She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
They pause to survey their work: We see a skinhead on the end of a pitchfork staring at a moose, an alabaster bust on a red spread, the genuflecting man, a man entangled in intestines.
GLORIA
I woulda never thought I had it in me to commit such mayhem.
EMILIO
When cornered, no choice. You fight to stay alive. It was them or us. Better them.
CORAL
Funny, I‘m not sickened one bit. They deserve what they got.
Juan signals quiet.
JUAN
Ssh! Listen!
They listen. Harley RUMBLING SOUNDS in the distance. They exchange looks of alarm.
JUAN
Let’s get outta here!
-
Nick’s Great Action Set Piece
What I learned: Meaning is essential to writing a good action scene.
1. Build in the meaning.
Pre-Action
Juan and Emilio have found the girls. They are tied up and about to be raped. Juan has a plan and tells Emilio to go around to the other side of the barn and draw them out so Juan can go in and save them, otherwise they will be overwhelmed.
Action
Juan, Emilio save their wives and, all together, they take on the skinheads one by one and kill them all in very macabre and humorous ways.
Post-Action
They are all together again and free to escape once and for all.
2. Make the Action Unique.
Environment:
A barn containing a torture chamber..
Rules:
Kill or be killed.
Villain:
Psychotic canibalistic skinheads.
Mission:
To save the girls and escape.
Struggle:
To overcome inbred racism.
Unique Skillset:
All four know karate moves. Juan has killer blades for legs. Emilio, an expert Frisbee thrower, throws circular saw blades.
Meaning:
Getting the lovers back together so they can all escape together. Finding the girls and freeing them. Together they are a clever fighting unit.
Allies:
None in this scene.
Weapon:
Pitchforks, guillotine, blades for legs, rotary saw blades, nail and washer.
3. Create through the 9 Action Emotions.
Anxiety: After freeing the girls and killing everybody, they are together again. They must now get to the SUV and escape, but they hear the roar of Harley’s with Mankill at the head coming through the Holler looking for them.
Fear: Mankill coming back with never-ending reinforcements.
Relief: Juan splits the stanchion with a karate kick and the nail is released and Gloria can remove it from her ear knowing that she is saved.
Surprise: Dora’s boys stampede over her to chase after Emilio.
Shock: The skinheads return just as Juan, Gloria, and Coral try to escape.
Suspense: Will Juan get Gloria free before the skinheads return? The clock is proverbially ticking.
Danger: When Dora gives the order to her boys to kill Juan et al.
Excitement: A) Juan snagging a skinhead’s intestine and pulling all 30 feet of it out. B) Gloria pitchforking a skinhead and sending him crashing against a moose head trophy on the wall.
Adrenaline: The whole fight scene.
4. Add in more twists.
Danger/New Resources:
Pitchforks come in handy to kill with when someone’s trying to kill you.
Attacked:
The skinheads come at them with knives and guns.
Lost Resources/new resources:
Emilio runs out of saw blades; uses a whip.
It Just Got Worse:
Mankill returns just as they kill all his kin.
Unexpected weapons:
Pitchfork, nail and washer, see blades.
New Threat/Escape:
They must make it to the SUV before Mankill finds them.
5. Rewrite
INT. BARN – TWILIGHT
The Dutch door cracks open. Emilio and Juan peek in.
The Microcephalic Twins cheerfully play patty-cake on Coral’s butt as Dolf lustfully strokes Coral’s body. Coral protests behind her gag.
Gloria stands frozen against the stanchion, stares mortified as Leon opens her blouse, slobbers on her neck and shoulders.
EXT. BARN – CONTINUOUS
Emilio leaps forward, Juan pulls him back.
EMILIO
I’m going to kill them!
JUAN
The girls might get killed if we charge in! Go around to the lean-to! Make some noise! Draw them out! I got this end.
Emilio races off.
INT. LEAN-TO KITCHEN – NIGHT
Dora Hitchcock carves on the female cadaver. Donny and Walt drink blood from glasses. Emilio crashes in, kicks the knife out of her hands.
DORA HITCHCOCK
Help yo’ mama! One o’ them bucks is loose…! Aaaack!
Emilio puts her in a choke hold and drags her backwards towards the exit door.
EMILIO
(to Donny and Walt)
Get your freaky brothers out here and let’s go outside and play hide and seek.
WALT
You gonna hide Mama?
Emilio loosens his hold on Dora while she yells for help. He wants them all to run in so he can lead them away.
DORA HITCHCOCK
(raspy)
Shut up, Walt.
(raises raspy voice)
Leon! Dolf! Boys! Get your tushes in here and save yo’ mama. I got a live one around my neck ready for slaughter.
INT. BARN – SAME
Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Buck, and the Twins turn to her pleas and stuff themselves through the lean-to door.
SKINHEADS
Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!
INT. LEAN-TO KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
The boys pile through the door to get to Emilio. He drops her by the door and flees. The boys run over her like a stampede at a concert.
INT. BARN – CONTINUOUS
Juan races up to Gloria.
JUAN
Gloria! I’m here!
GLORIA
Juan! You’re alive!
He pulls her gag down.
GLORIA
Ooh, baby, be careful! Don’t move me. You’ll tear my ear off.
JUAN
(sees the nail)
What did they do to you?
GLORIA
Get Coral, first.
Juan moves over to Coral, unlatches, raises the yoke. He turns back to Gloria. Coral stands, removes her gag, ties her blouse ends together.
CORAL
Where’s Emilio?
JUAN
He’s distracting them for now. We must hurry!
Coral drops and unties the ropes around Gloria’s legs. Juan examines the nail in Gloria’s ear.
JUAN
Where’s the hammer he nailed it with?
CORAL
Here it is!
She picks it up, hands it to Juan.
WE HEAR Emilio’s WOODY WOODPECKER TRILL in the distance:
EMILIIO
AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa!…
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A pregnant pause.
Coral swings an anguished face to the sound.
CORAL
Emilio!
EMILIO
AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa!…
BLAM! BLAM!…
Juan tentatively brings the hammer claw up to the washer, touches the smashed, purple ear underneath.
GLORIA
Ow! Ooo!
JUAN
(dreading it)
I can’t get the claw in without mauling your ear.
GLORIA
(mustering courage)
Okay! Okay!…Wait!…
(a nervous chuckle)
Better my ear than my life. Right?…Okay, do it!
Juan looks up at an area on the post above her head.
JUAN
I’ve got a better way.
He focuses on the area as he steps back.
GLORIA
(nervous)
What are you doing?
JUAN
Trust me on this, sweetheart.
Gloria squeezes her eyes shut. Juan twirls a round-house kick into the stanchion’s corner edge, rips away a three-foot splint just above Gloria’s head.
CLOSE ON a crack splitting through the nail like a lightening bolt, releasing it.
Gloria is free. She winces as she yanks the nail from her ear, looks angrily at it, tosses it.
CLOSE ON nail as it lands on the washer, NAIL POINTED UP.
Gloria knots her blouse, then gingerly touches her ear.
JUAN
You all right?
GLORIA
Now I am.
They kiss. He releases reluctantly, grabs her arm.
JUAN
Come on! We gotta go!
GLORIA
(looking down)
Where did you get those legs?
JUAN
Later…
He grabs Coral’s hand. They start to run, freeze. Buck and Microcephalic Twin #1 glare at them over the Dutch door.
BUCK
Whey ya goin’ with them there does?
Buck kicks open the half-door, stomps in.
Juan and the girls spin around, take a step, freeze.
Dora Hitchcock stands woozily in front of the lean-to doorway, glaring. Around her stand Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2.
DORA HITCHCOCK
You kilt ma boys, blowed up ma shed, ‘n made a motacicle junkyard of ma front yard. You crispies is outta control. So here’s what we gonna do.
GLORIA
Crispies? How many names you got for us?
DORA HITCHCOCK
Tell me yo’ sorry and I maght fergive y’all befo’ I butcha y’all. Be mo’ kosha that way.
(shakes her head)
I grant cha… Y’all’s the most wildest crittas ma boys ‘n yours truly ehva tangled with.
GLORIA
Critters! We’re human beings, you psychopathic sow!
DORA HITCHCOCK
Ooh. Big words. Gots a little feisty left in ya, don’ cha? You don’ make it easy, that’s fer sure.
(to the skinheads)
Boys!
Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2 spread out around her.
DORA HITCHCOCK
Y’all’s a once-‘n-a-lifetime catch! It’ll be a special hona to serve y’all up as a fi’-star guest en-tree.
THOP! A 5-inch circular saw blade instantly appears on Dora Hitchcock’s forehead. She stumbles backwards, BANGS against the wall, collapses to the floor, out cold. The horse collar crashes over her head.
Leon, Sonny, Dolf, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2 turn to her, stare down uncomprehendingly.
SKINHEADS
Mama? Mama? Mama? Mama? Mama?
Coral whips around, her face registering surprise and relief as Emilio steps through the Dutch door behind Buck and Microcephalic Twin #1.
CORAL
Emilio!
Buck and MT #1 turn to Emilio as he fires a saw blade between MT #1’s teeth. THOP! Rips his cheeks back to his tonsils. His jaw drops into a “Scream”-like yawn. He ROARS LIKE A BASSOON, pulls away the blade.
Buck draws his gun, jumps, freezes in saucer-eyed shock.
Juan pulls his foot blade out from Buck’s ass.
JUAN
Piggy-pokey, mother fucker!
Buck drops to his knees; twists around to fire at Juan. THOP! A saw blade in his neck. Blood spurts. The gun discharges aimlessly — BLAM! He tips over, crashes to the floor.
Juan snatches up the gun, turns to the stunned skinheads.
JUAN
Stay right where you are!
Microcephalic #2 pulls out his knife, charges towards Emilio. Coral lunges against the back of his legs, clamps on. He crashes forward onto his face, then doesn’t move anymore.
Emilio takes MT #2’s knife, stands with Juan. Gloria and Coral dash over to the wall, grab hayforks.
Walt charges. Juan squeezes the trigger: CLICK! CLICK!
Juan jumps aside, spins a 180-degree aerial wheel into Walt’s thorax. THUK! Walt crashes forward.
Emilio zings a saw blade. Dolf ducks it. It sticks vertically into the stanchion. THUD!
EMILIO
(to Juan)
My last one!
They dash over to the wall, make a stand in front of Gloria and Coral. Skinheads move towards them, teasing their knives.
Sonny lunges at Juan. Juan spins, snags his blade on a log chain hanging from the rafter. He falls backward, kicks the knife out of Sonny’s hand.
Sonny grabs him by the blades, wheels him around, slams him into the back of Leon, creeping towards Gloria. Gloria instantly anchors the end of the pitchfork handle to the floor with her foot as Leon lurches at her at full speed.
GLORIA
Eat this, you fuck!
Leon sinks into the fork tines with momentum, causing the pitchfork and him to rise over her and crash into the mounted moose head. The hayfork stays vertical, balanced.
ON LEON: His nose smashed against the moose’s snout. Their dead, startled eyes stare at one another.
Sonny wheels Juan around like a hammer thrower. Juan drops his head, just missing a stanchion.
Emilio dodges a knife as it swipes by. He flicks his fingers into Donny’s eyes. An eye drops out, hangs. Donny ROARS, swings his knife at Emilio. Emilio backs off.
Donny charges low, like a bull. Emilio elegantly sidesteps as Donny runs headlong into the saw blade struck in the stanchion earlier, cleaving his skull.
Donny slumps into a genuflecting pose, head morticed to the stanchion, eyeball dangling.
Juan CRASHES into the hanging chain, grabs on. Sonny loses his balance, let’s go of Juan’s blades. He staggers up as Juan swings out and back, quick-steps against the barn wall, kicks off, snags Sonny in the gut as he swings by him.
Sonny stands in shock as he watches twenty feet of his small intestine unravel from his gut, then six feet of colon.
Juan kicks the intestine off his blade. It snaps lazily back, coils thickly around Sonny’s neck. Sonny CHOKES, topples backwards into a sitting position against the wall.
Coral makes jabs at Dolf with her hayfork. He knocks it away, grabs her by the throat, snarls:
DOLF
I want some of that red….
SNAP-SLAP! A black snake whip coils around his neck. He’s yanked backwards.
Emilio pulls on the whip, forces Dolf to run backwards in a circle, off balance, over to the guillotine.
Emilio trips into a manure gutter, falls, lets go of the whip. Dolf tumbles onto the guillotine table, slides through the blade’s tree frame, grabs onto the release lever.
The guillotine blade swooshes down: KARSZIT!
The top quarter of Dolf’s body rolls off, lands upright on the floor–an armless bust on an expanding pad of blood.
A severed length of whip hangs from Dolf’s neck like a thick Texas string-tie. His eyeballs flutter white.
DOLF’S BUST
(nodding off–dead)
Redheads!
EXT. SPOOKY HOLLER ROAD ENTRANCE – TWILIGHT
Mankill leads a stream of skinheads on Harleys off the blacktop, BLATS into the hollow.
INT. BARN – MORNING
Juan, Gloria, Coral join Emilio, who tries to get up.
EMILIO
I tore a ligament in my ankle.
Juan helps him up. Emilio hops, can barely stand. Coral gets under his arm.
CORAL
You’re my man, baby!
She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
They pause to survey their work: A skinhead on the end of a pitchfork staring at a moose, an alabaster bust on a red spread, the genuflecting man, a man entangled in intestines.
GLORIA
That’s some mean ass-kicking!
Juan signals quiet.
JUAN
Ssh! Listen!
They listen. Harley RUMBLING SOUNDS in the distance. They exchange looks of alarm.
JUAN
Let’s get outta here!
xxx
-
Nick’s Great Action Set Piece
What I learned: Meaning is essential to writing a good action scene.
1. Build in the meaning.
Pre-Action
Juan and Emilio have found the girls. They are tied up and about to be raped. Juan has a plan and tells Emilio to go around to the other side of the barn and draw them out so Juan can go in and save them, otherwise they will be overwhelmed.
Action
Juan, Emilio save their wives and, all together, they take on the skinheads one by one and kill them all in very macabre and humorous ways.
Post-Action
They are all together again and free to escape once and for all.
2. Make the Action Unique.
Environment:
A barn containing a torture chamber..
Rules:
Kill or be killed.
Villain:
Psychotic canibalistic skinheads.
Mission:
To save the girls and escape.
Struggle:
To overcome inbred racism.
Unique Skillset:
All four know karate moves. Juan has killer blades for legs. Emilio, an expert Frisbee thrower, throws circular saw blades.
Meaning:
Getting the lovers back together so they can all escape together. Finding the girls and freeing them. Together they are a clever fighting unit.
Allies:
None in this scene.
Weapon:
Pitchforks, guillotine, blades for legs, rotary saw blades, nail and washer.
3. Create through the 9 Action Emotions.
Anxiety: After freeing the girls and killing everybody, they are together again. They must now get to the SUV and escape, but they hear the roar of Harley’s with Mankill at the head coming through the Holler looking for them.
Fear: Mankill coming back with never-ending reinforcements.
Relief: Juan splits the stanchion with a karate kick and the nail is released and Gloria can remove it from her ear knowing that she is saved.
Surprise: Dora’s boys stampede over her to chase after Emilio.
Shock: The skinheads return just as Juan, Gloria, and Coral try to escape.
Suspense: Will Juan get Gloria free before the skinheads return? The clock is proverbially ticking.
Danger: When Dora gives the order to her boys to kill Juan et al.
Excitement: A) Juan snagging a skinhead’s intestine and pulling all 30 feet of it out. B) Gloria pitchforking a skinhead and sending him crashing against a moose head trophy on the wall.
Adrenaline: The whole fight scene.
4. Add in more twists.
Danger/New Resources:
Pitchforks come in handy to kill with when someone’s trying to kill you.
Attacked:
The skinheads come at them with knives and guns.
Lost Resources/new resources:
Emilio runs out of saw blades; uses a whip.
It Just Got Worse:
Mankill returns just as they kill all his kin.
Unexpected weapons:
Pitchfork, nail and washer, saw blades.
New Threat/Escape:
They must make it to the SUV before Mankill finds them.
5. Rewrite
INT. BARN – TWILIGHT
The Dutch door cracks open. Emilio and Juan peek in.
The Microcephalic Twins cheerfully play patty-cake on Coral’s butt as Dolf lustfully strokes Coral’s body. Coral protests behind her gag.
Gloria stands frozen against the stanchion, squints her eyes in disgust and forbearance as Leon opens her blouse, slobbers on her neck and shoulders.
EXT. BARN – CONTINUOUS
Emilio leaps forward, Juan pulls him back.
EMILIO
I’m going to kill them!
JUAN
The girls might get killed if we charge in! Go around to the lean-to! Make some noise! Draw them out! I’ll take care of this end.
Emilio races off.
INT. LEAN-TO KITCHEN – NIGHT
Dora Hitchcock carves on the female cadaver. Donny and Walt drink blood from glasses. Emilio crashes in, kicks the knife out of her hands.
DORA HITCHCOCK
Help yo’ mama! One o’ them bucks is loose…! Aaaack!
Emilio puts her in a choke hold and drags her backwards towards the exit door.
EMILIO
(to Donny and Walt)
Get your freaky brothers out here and let’s go outside and play hide and seek.
WALT
You gonna hide Mama?
Emilio loosens his hold on Dora and lets her call for help. He wants them all to run in so he can lead them out of the barn and away.
DORA HITCHCOCK
(raspy)
Shut up, Walt.
(raises raspy voice)
Leon! Dolf! Boys! Get your tushes in here and save yo’ mama. I got a live one around my neck needs slaughterin’.
INT. BARN – SAME
Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Buck, and the Twins turn to her pleas and stuff themselves through the lean-to door.
SKINHEADS
Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!
INT. LEAN-TO KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS
The boys pile through the door to get to Emilio. He drops her by the door and flees. The boys run over her like a stampede at a concert.
INT. BARN – CONTINUOUS
Juan races up to Gloria.
JUAN
Gloria! I’m here!
GLORIA
Juan! You’re alive!
He pulls her gag down.
GLORIA
Ooh, baby, be careful! Don’t move me. You’ll tear my ear off.
JUAN
(sees the nail)
What did they do to you?
GLORIA
Get Coral, first.
Juan moves over to Coral, unlatches, raises the yoke. He turns back to Gloria. Coral stands, removes her gag, ties her blouse ends together.
CORAL
Where’s Emilio?
JUAN
He’s distracting them for now. We must hurry!
Coral drops and unties the ropes around Gloria’s legs. Juan examines the nail in Gloria’s ear.
JUAN
Where’s the hammer he nailed it with?
CORAL
Here it is!
She picks it up, hands it to Juan.
WE HEAR Emilio’s WOODY WOODPECKER TRILL in the distance:
EMILIIO (OS)
AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa!…
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! A pregnant pause.
Coral swings an anguished face to the sound.
CORAL
Emilio!
EMILIO
AaHaUhAa! AaHaUhAa!…
BLAM! BLAM!…
Juan tentatively brings the hammer claw up to the washer, touches the smashed, purple ear underneath.
GLORIA
Ow! Ooo!
JUAN
(dreading it)
I can’t get the claw in without mauling your ear.
GLORIA
(mustering courage)
Okay! Okay!…Wait!…
(a nervous chuckle)
Better my ear than my life. Right?…Okay, do it!
Juan looks up at an area on the post above her head.
JUAN
I’ve got a better way.
He focuses on the area as he steps back.
GLORIA
(nervous)
What are you doing?
JUAN
Trust me on this, sweetheart.
Gloria squeezes her eyes shut. Juan twirls a round-house kick into the stanchion’s corner edge, rips away a three-foot splint just above Gloria’s head.
CLOSE ON a crack splitting through the nail like a lightening bolt, releasing it.
Gloria is free. She winces as she yanks the nail from her ear, looks angrily at it, tosses it.
CLOSE ON nail as it lands on the washer, NAIL POINTED UP.
Gloria knots her blouse, then gingerly touches her ear.
JUAN
You all right?
GLORIA
Now I am.
They kiss. He releases reluctantly, grabs her arm.
JUAN
Come on! We gotta go!
GLORIA
(looking down)
Where did you get those legs?
JUAN
Later…
He grabs Coral’s hand. They start to run, freeze. Buck and Microcephalic Twin #1 glare at them over the Dutch door.
BUCK
Whey ya goin’ with them there does?
Buck kicks open the half-door, stomps in.
Juan and the girls spin around, take a step, freeze.
Dora Hitchcock stands woozily in front of the lean-to doorway, glaring. Around her stand Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2.
DORA HITCHCOCK
You kilt ma boys, blowed up ma shed, ‘n made a motacicle junkyard of ma front yard. You crispies is outta control. So here’s what we gonna do.
GLORIA
Crispies? How many names you got for us?
DORA HITCHCOCK
Tell me yo’ sorry and I maght fergive y’all befo’ I butcha y’all. Be mo’ kosha that way.
(shakes her head)
I grant cha… Y’all’s the most wildest crittas ma boys ‘n yours truly ehva tangled with.
GLORIA
Critters! We’re human beings, you psychopathic sow!
DORA HITCHCOCK
Ooh. Big words. Gots a little feisty left in ya, don’ cha? You don’ make it easy, that’s fer sure.
(to the skinheads)
Boys!
Leon, Dolf, Sonny, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2 spread out around her.
DORA HITCHCOCK
Y’all’s a once-‘n-a-lifetime catch! It’ll be a special hona to serve y’all up as a fi’-star guest en-tree.
THOP! A 5-inch circular saw blade instantly appears on Dora Hitchcock’s forehead. She stumbles backwards, BANGS against the wall, collapses to the floor, out cold. The horse collar crashes over her head.
Leon, Sonny, Dolf, Donny, Walt, and Microcephalic Twin #2 turn to her, stare down uncomprehendingly.
SKINHEADS
Mama? Mama? Mama? Mama? Mama?
Coral whips around, her face registering surprise and relief as Emilio steps through the Dutch door behind Buck and Microcephalic Twin #1.
CORAL
Emilio!
Buck and MT #1 turn to Emilio as he fires a saw blade between MT #1’s teeth. THOP! Rips his cheeks back to his tonsils. His jaw drops into a “Scream”-like yawn. He ROARS LIKE A BASSOON, pulls away the blade.
Buck draws his gun, jumps, freezes in saucer-eyed shock.
Juan pulls his foot blade out from Buck’s ass.
JUAN
Piggy-pokey, mother fucker!
Buck drops to his knees; twists around to fire at Juan. THOP! A saw blade in his neck. Blood spurts. The gun discharges aimlessly — BLAM! He tips over, crashes to the floor.
Juan snatches up the gun, turns to the stunned skinheads.
JUAN
Stay right where you are!
Microcephalic #2 pulls out his knife, charges towards Emilio. Coral lunges against the back of his legs, clamps on. He crashes forward onto his face, then doesn’t move anymore.
Emilio takes MT #2’s knife, stands with Juan. Gloria and Coral dash over to the wall, grab hayforks.
Walt charges. Juan squeezes the trigger: CLICK! CLICK!
Juan jumps aside, spins a 180-degree aerial wheel into Walt’s thorax. THUK! Walt crashes forward.
Emilio zings a saw blade. Dolf ducks it. It sticks vertically into the stanchion. THUD!
EMILIO
(to Juan)
My last one!
They dash over to the wall, make a stand in front of Gloria and Coral. Skinheads move towards them, teasing their knives.
Sonny lunges at Juan. Juan spins, snags his blade on a log chain hanging from the rafter. He falls backward, kicks the knife out of Sonny’s hand.
Sonny grabs him by the blades, wheels him around, slams him into the back of Leon, creeping towards Gloria. Gloria instantly anchors the end of the pitchfork handle to the floor with her foot as Leon lurches at her at full speed.
GLORIA
Eat this, you fuck!
Leon sinks into the fork tines with momentum, causing the pitchfork and him to rise over her and crash into the mounted moose head. The hayfork stays vertical, balanced.
ON LEON: His nose smashed against the moose’s snout. Their dead, startled eyes stare at one another.
Sonny wheels Juan around like a hammer thrower. Juan drops his head, just missing a stanchion.
Emilio dodges a knife as it swipes by. He flicks his fingers into Donny’s eyes. An eye drops out, hangs. Donny ROARS, swings his knife at Emilio. Emilio backs off.
Donny charges low, like a bull. Emilio elegantly sidesteps as Donny runs headlong into the saw blade struck in the stanchion earlier, cleaving his skull.
Donny slumps into a genuflecting pose, head morticed to the stanchion, eyeball dangling.
Juan CRASHES into the hanging chain, grabs on. Sonny loses his balance, let’s go of Juan’s blades. He staggers up as Juan swings out and back, quick-steps against the barn wall, kicks off, snags Sonny in the gut as he swings by him.
Sonny stands in shock as he watches twenty feet of his small intestine unravel from his gut, then six feet of colon.
Juan kicks the intestine off his blade. It snaps lazily back, coils thickly around Sonny’s neck. Sonny CHOKES, topples backwards into a sitting position against the wall.
Coral makes jabs at Dolf with her hayfork. He knocks it away, grabs her by the throat, snarls:
DOLF
I want some of that red….
SNAP-SLAP! A black snake whip coils around his neck. He’s yanked backwards.
Emilio pulls on the whip, forces Dolf to run backwards in a circle, off balance, over to the guillotine.
Emilio trips into a manure gutter, falls, lets go of the whip. Dolf tumbles onto the guillotine table, slides through the blade’s tree frame, grabs onto the release lever.
The guillotine blade swooshes down: KARSZIT!
The top quarter of Dolf’s body rolls off, lands upright on the floor–an armless bust on an expanding pad of blood.
A severed length of whip hangs from Dolf’s neck like a thick Texas string-tie. His eyeballs flutter white.
DOLF’S BUST
(nodding off–dead)
Redheads!
EXT. SPOOKY HOLLER ROAD ENTRANCE – TWILIGHT
Mankill leads a stream of skinheads on Harleys off the blacktop, BLATS into the hollow.
INT. BARN – MORNING
Juan, Gloria, Coral join Emilio, who tries to get up.
EMILIO
I tore a ligament in my ankle.
Juan helps him up. Emilio hops, can barely stand. Coral gets under his arm.
CORAL
You’re my man, baby!
She gives him a kiss on the cheek.
They pause to survey their work: A skinhead on the end of a pitchfork staring at a moose, an alabaster bust on a red spread, the genuflecting man, a man entangled in intestines.
GLORIA
That’s some mean ass-kicking!
Juan signals quiet.
JUAN
Ssh! Listen!
They listen. Harley RUMBLING SOUNDS in the distance. They exchange looks of alarm.
JUAN
Let’s get outta here!
-
Nick’s Unique Action!
What I learned: I felt my action could use more…action.
EXT. CLEARING/GULCH – NIGHT
The four skinheads huff their way up to the sharp edge of the black-abyss of a gulch before them. They look around, mystified.
SKINHEAD #1
They cain’t go any furtha. Where’d they go?
He turns with the others and peers off into the woods.
SKINHEAD #2
Maybe they fell into the gulch.
Skinhead #2 leans over the edge to have a look.
THUK! Like the flick of a scorpion’s tail, Juan’s leg blade springs from the gulch into #2’s oesophagus, then flips him SLO-MO, ass over head, disappearing into the dark abyss, without a sound, except for the sound of the landing–like a 300-pound sack of shit dropped from a town water tower.
Skinhead #1 looks back to where #2 was a second ago and sees he’s not there. He darts his head back and forth, looking.
SKINHEAD #1
Hey, Bruno? Where’d you go? You playin’ hide and seek, again?
He drifts over to the edge of the gulch and looks over, his back against us. THUK! The tip of Juan’s blade exits the middle of #1’s naked back by a couple of inches, severed spine curled out on each side, and pulls him over.
SKINHEAD #1
Aawk!
Skinheads #3 and #4 turn to SEE #1’s splayed feet disappear into the gulch. They draw their guns and creep forward.
ON JUAN straining to hold onto an exposed tree root as #1’s 6’5”, 300-pound deadweight of a body hangs by the tip of a rib bone at the end of his leg blade. Normally, just one good flick would release him, but #1’s body is too heavy for such a flippant manoeuvre, although Juan continues to try.
Juan looks up to the edge of the gulch and sees #4 standing over it, taking aim at him with his gun.
We hear what sounds like the passing HUM OF A BUMBLE BEE.
CLOSE ON: SLO-MO on fast-moving disk spinning towards a gunfinger.
THUT!
#4’s trigger finger pops off and the gun flies from his hand as the rotary saw-blade clangs against it and tumbles away, having done its job. #4 stares at his missing finger as the gun falls away. Juan deftly bats it upwards, towards him, with his other bladed leg.
The gun arches at the hight of Juan’s head. He plucks it from the air at the apex with his mouth and struggles to free one hand as he brings the gun towards it, then points the gun at #4 and fires. BLAM!
#4 crashes into the tree root Juan is holding onto and snaps it in two as he continues his plummet to his death. We drop and swing with Juan as he scrambles to hold on for dear life. He crashes and bumps and skitters against the gulch embankment, holding onto the root like a rope.
#1’s rib SNAPS on impact and he falls away. Juan hangs on, relived, then begins to climb the root up the embankment.
BACK ON TOP: Skinhead #2 fires his gun at Emilio as Emilio dives aside and flings a saw blade at him. THOP! Into his face. He topples over the edge.
Emilio runs to edge of the ravine, kneels, reaches down.
EMILIO
Grab on!
He pulls Juan out of the gulch. They collapse together onto the ground.
EMILIO
Now tell me, Where did you get those feet?
JUAN
Same place I got your Frisbees.
-
Nick’s Level 3 Action Emotions
What I learned: I need to get more detailed in some areas to show the danger and to build up the adrenaline and excitement.
DANGER: Juan hides under cultivator as Moose looks for him.
ADRENALINE: Moose discovers Juan and the dog and sets about killing them.
EXCITEMENT: As Juan drives his weaponized leg through Moose’s abdomen to save the dog.
SCENE:
INT. MACHINE SHED – NIGHT
Moose stares at the arrow-like depressions in the dirt floor. He kills the motor, drops the kickstand, gets off.
He picks up a prosthesis part from the dirt. He’s looks at it curiously, then it dawns on him what it is. He tosses it away, draws his knife, and follows the arrow-like depressions out.
EXT. SPRING-TOOTH HARROW – CONTINUOUS
Moose, eyes to the ground, following the arrow-like impressions, rounds the harrow and stops. He bends over and looks under the harrow.
MOOSE
So, there you is, onion pecka! We be lookin’ all ova fer you.
Moose grabs for him.
The dog shoots out, snarling, and clamps her teeth onto Moose’s ankle. Moose kicks out. The dog viciously rips into the ankle.
MOOSE
Aaaah, you bitch!
Moose raises his knife to strike the dog. Juan swings a crowbar to block. THWACK! The knife flies into the weeds.
Moose looks down at his throbbing hand, then snatches Juan by the wrist, forces him to his knees.
MOOSE
Gotcha!
(eyes widen)
Aaaah!
He looks down, alarmed, as the dog viciously rips into his raw tendon. He wrenches the crowbar from Juan and swings it awkwardly at the dog, but misses.
Desperate, he shoves Juan away and swings the crowbar at the dog again, this time grazing her head. She hangs on.
MOOSE
Aaaah!
Moose gets his balance back and wields the crowbar for the kill. Juan twirls himself around, then
THUK! An arrow-shaped spade pops out of Moose’s chest. A glistening PANCREAS dangling from its tip.
Moose freezes wide-eyed, stares incomprehensibly at the thing sticking out from his chest. He slowly clutches the spade, as if to feel if it’s real. He plucks the pancreas off and stares at it like he might eat it.
He looks incredulously over at Juan, who stares incredulous back, hopping on one leg, the other lodged into Moose’s back.
Moose’s eyes roll up as he slowly topples forward flat on his face. Juan crashes to the ground with him.
Juan pushes against Moose’s body trying desperately to pull out his prosthesis blade, but it won’t budge.
The SOUND OF HARLEYS approaching.
Juan shoos the dog away.
JUAN
Go!…Go on…Git!
The dog tilts his bloody head inquisitively, then turns, hops into the weeds and disappears.
Juan drags Moose’s huge carcass behind him as he desperately claws his way back to the dark shadows of the cultivator.
-
Nick’s Level 2 Action Emotions
What I learned: Developing a good sense of suspense will necessarily lead to some kinda surprise.
OUTLINE:
Suspense: The intro to the scene as we focus on the web covered SUV then hear a twig snap.
Surprise: Lance’s and Donny’s heads on Gloria and Coral’s shoulders.
Shock: Lance’s hand was severed off and Donny’s eye is plucked out of its socket.
SCENE:
EXT. CAMPGROUND – NIGHT
The moonlight casts tree branch shadows over the forlorn SUV, like a spider’s web, still and unperturbed as if painted on. We STAY on it awhile as we listen to the night SOUNDS OF INSECTS AND FROGS.
Suddenly, a faint sound of a stick breaking comes from the woods. Unless you were listening for it, you wouldn’t hear it. Nature’s night music suddenly goes dead quiet. The web shadow over the SUV jiggles…It’s been disturbed.
Over Gloria and Coral’s shoulders as they lean forward and stare down the long lane at the tiny images of Juan and Emilio in the distance moving a Harley out of the lane.
CORAL
(worried; towards Emilio)
Hurry.
GLORIA
I think they’re done.
CORAL
Good. Now we can get out of here.
REVERSE SHOT: Four heads: Gloria and Coral stare intently at us. Lance’s head appears to be resting on Coral’s shoulder, Donny’s on Gloria’s, leering at them with goofy grins.
DONNY
Boo!
Gloria and Coral turn and recoil in horror. Lance slaps his hand over Coral’s face and suffocates a scream. Donny pins Gloria’s shoulders and mouth with a bearhug.
DONNY
Don’ get much easya than this!
Coral and Gloria struggle, eyes wide in terror.
LANCE
Like catchin’ lightnin’ bugs.
Lance twists Coral’s head upwards.
LANCE
Where is the bucks, little doe?
Coral chomps down on Lance’s finger, kicks him in the shin.
LANCE
Ooooh! You fuckin’ bitch!
He pummels her with his fist. She slumps against him, out cold.
Gloria wrenches her own arm free. Jabs her fingers back over her shoulder into Donny’s eye. He throws his head back. His right EYEBALL dangles from its socket.
DONNY
Aaaah! You fuckin’ cunt! Aaaaah!
He lets go. She spins around, fires her foot into his crotch. He drops to his knees, SCREAMING, whips out his Bowie knife, swings it blindly towards Gloria.
Gloria jerks her head back as Walt’s hand goes for her throat. The blade whizzes by her face, slices Walt’s hand clean off.
SLO-MO: The severed hand spins slowly through the air, pinwheeling blood. The knife blade continues its blood-trailing arc across the moonlit sky.
The hand flops to the ground. The two middle fingers twitch against the palm.
Gloria stands frozen, mesmerised by the sight.
Big-Dumb Leland lunges at her.
She turns to run. Donny grabs her by the ankle. Big-Dumb tackles her, tries desperately to pin her to the ground with his weight. Gloria kicking, SCREAMING, clawing.
BIG-DUMB LELAND
Damn! This ain’t no lightnin’ bug! Gots a real tiga here! Grab her damn legs!
Donny drops onto her legs, his eyeball swinging freely.
Gloria chomps down on Big-Dumb’s arm.
BIG-DUMB LELAND
Aaaah! She bahts! Fuck it!
He slugs her across the jaw. She’s out.
They rise panting, stare down at her unconscious body.
BIG-DUMB LELAND
Damn! The prettya they is, the meana they tussle. She were a handful. Like downin’ a buck.
DONNY
Hey! Where the bucks, anyhow?
ON LANCE looking off to where Gloria and Coral were looking. He sees something. Squints. Decides he didn’t.
LANCE
Forget about them. They be ’round. We gots their bitches.
Donny approaches with his eyeball cupped in the palm of his hand against his cheek. It hangs from the vacuous eye socket by its optic nerve.
DONNY
That bitch plucked ma fuckin’ eye clean out like it was a plum or sump’m! Cain’t see to put it back in.
LANCE
Here.
Lance impatiently crams the eyeball back into its socket.
LANCE
There! Good as new.
Donny’s eye is now toed in towards his nose, staring slightly downwards, half buried in the corner.
DONNY
I kin see ma nose pretty good. Pretty blurry though.
Walt stares at his bloody stump, sobbing.
WALT
How’m I gonna dip ma tabaccy?
(with more anguish)
Gawddam! How’m I gonna wipe ma ass?
LANCE
Make Donny wipe it. He sliced yo’ butt wipa off.
Big-Dumb snickers with him, unsympathetically.
WALT
He cain’t see to wipe his own ass!
LANCE
Stop sulkin’, Walt. Now pick up yo’ hand ‘n bring it along. Mama might could use it in one of her recipes.
(beat)
Let’s get these does to Henry befo’ they come to.
Lance throws Gloria over his shoulder. Big-Dumb scoops up Coral, cradles her like a baby. They head through the woods.
-
Nick’s Level 1 Action Emotions
What I learned: Put my character in as much fear and anxiety as possible and make it nearly impossible for him to survive.
OVER BLACK
THE SOUNDS OF BATTLE–explosions, rattling gunfire, pinging metal. BOMB and ROCKET BLASTS. Sounds of debris raining down. The WOUNDED WHIRRING of a helicopter going down.
VOICE
May Day…May Day. Hit. Can’t pull up. Going down fast. Coordinates…
The SOUND OF A HEAVY THUMP and SCREECHING METAL. Then quiet.
A distant infant WAILING breaks the brief silence.
FADE IN:
EXT. AFGHAN TOWN STREET – DAY
Our eyes are suddenly opened to the aftermath of what our ears just heard: Piles of smoking brick, twisted metal, burning vehicles, and bloody, dead bodies litter the street.
U.S. Army Medic Sergeant JUAN DIAZ (30s) weaves his way through the ruins and bullets as he races towards us.
He runs up to the smoking helicopter. The pouring sweat glistens on his wide-alert, hot face. He’s breathing fast and is scared shitless. He stands and fires his M4 at a swarm of TALIBAN WARRIORS intent on killing him.
He drops two, then quickly turns his attention to the helicopter pilots still in their seatbelts and obviously dead. He checks for a pulse anyway.
His attention now turns to a baby SCREAMING ahead, in the distance, but not seen.
He dashes over to a tipped burning truck, gets behind it, bullets zipping around him. He sidles along the undercarriage, peeks around to SEE a WOMAN in a black burka crumpled in the middle of a street intersection, an INFANT covered in blood sits forlornly beside her, WAILING.
Juan ducks his head back in, his face beaded with sweat and fear. He edges a look at the baby again and ducks back in. He closes his eyes briefly, mumbles something to himself to muster courage, makes the Sign of the Cross, then:
He dashes into the street. GUNFIRE. Bullets SPLASHING the dirt around him. He grabs up the child and runs back and dives behind the truck.
He quickly checks the baby over.
JUAN
You’re okay, baby. I’m going to get you out of here. Just hang on tight.
He cradles the infant firmly in one arm and pulls out his .45 pistol with the other.
TALIBAN WARRIOR #1 skips over the truck and dives at Juan with knife in hand. Juan sees his shadow and ducks as the Taliban hits the ground rolling, then springs up and charges at Juan. Juan shoots him dead.
TALIBAN #2 charges at him. Juan swiftly round kicks him in the jaw with his foot, then drives his pistol into his groin and fires.
Taliban #3 charges at Juan with a knife. Juan squeezes the trigger. Nothing happens. Jammed. Juan drops low, still holding the child firmly in one arm, and sweeps his leg into the side of the Taliban’s knee.
The Taliban goes down. Juan finishes him off with a roundkick to the head. Juan takes off on a dead run, zig-zagging his way around debris under fire.
On the top of a building, Taliban #4 takes aim at Juan as he runs below him. A hole suddenly appears in his head as he topples over and crashes in front of Juan.
Juan stops and looks off across the street. An American soldier gestures at Juan as to say “I got your back.”
Juan races across an open, unprotected fifty yards towards the sniper and safety.
CLOSE ON the glint of buried metal indicating top of a IED land mine as Juan’s foot steps on it, then
KABOOM! DUST, FIRE, BLOOD fill the screen. Then BLACKNESS.
SUPER: “Six Months Later”
EXT. MIAMI AIRPORT – DAY
A jet airliner lands.
-
Nick’s Favorite Twists!
What I learned: There’s lots of ways to make interesting. twists as I found out analyzing the whole script scene by scene.
TWISTS IN “SPOOKY HOLLER”
SC1: Unexpected Support—Juan is ambushed and wounded and is about to be killed by a Taliban. A sniper kills the Taliban. Juan scrambles to safety under cover fire.
SC1: It Just Got Worse—He picks up a crying baby sitting by its dead mother in the street as he runs by. It’s boobytrapped. Juan gets blown up.
SC6: Surprising Truth—We don’t know Juan had lost his legs until he gets undressed for bed, then reveals his insecurities to his wife.
SC18: Unexpected weapon—Juan clobbers Mankill in the face with a round kick of his leg protheses.
SC18: Unexpected Support—Juan is about to be executed when the Sheriff steps in and saves him.
SC18: Surprising Response—Emilio drops kicks a fat skinhead.
SC25: Danger—The Sheriff doesn’t chase them into Spooky Holler.
SC26: New Threat—Two men with guns follow them.
SC30: Surprising Alliance—Deputy Henry is in cahoots with the skinheads.
SC38: New Threat/Danger—Mankill and his skinheads suddenly arrive at farmhouse; block escape with their Harleys.
SC42: It Just Got Worse—The skinheads are cannibals.
SC44: Identity Exposed—Undertakers Zed and Zak deliver a corpse to eat.
SC46: Plan fails/It Just Got Worse—Gloria and Coral are beaten and kidnapped from the campsite.
SC46: Unexpected Weapon—Gloria uses her fingers to pluck Donny’s eye out.
SC46: Unexpected Action—Donny, blindly swinging his Bowie knife at Gloria, slices Walt’s hand off instead.
SC49: Unexpected Weapon—Gloria awakens and kills two skinheads with the skinhead’s own knife.
SC55: Plan Fails—Juan and Emilio are discovered hiding.
SC55: It Just Got Worse/Lost Resource—Mankill destroys Juan’s prostheses. He is now legless and defenseless.
SC56: It Just Got Worse Yet—Juan and Emilio are sodomized in a pig wallow.
SC60: Plan Succeeds—Juan and Emilio get away in the SUV under a hail of gunfire.
SC62: Plan Fails—They run out of gas in the Holler.
SC63: It Just Got Worse—Emilio is caught and dragged away.
SC67: Danger/Escape—An alligator attacks Juan.
SC72: Surprising Truth—In this Flashback, in a continuance of the Opening Scene, we learn Emilio saved Juan’s life in Afghanistan.
SC72: New Resource—Juan gets an idea to make new legs out of spring-toothed cultivator tines.
SC72: Surprising Alliance—Juan befriends a three-legged dog.
SC84: Unexpected Weapon/Reversal—Juan drives his leg blade through Moose’s chest but it won’t come out and Juan is stuck to him as other skinheads approach.
SC97: Plan Succeeds—Juan and Emilio escape on a Harley under a hail of bullets, one of which hits the gas line.
SC98: Plan Fails—They run out of gas in the Holler, but evade the skinheads looking for them, and make new plan.
SC101: Attacked/Protected—Just as a skinhead is about to blow Juan’s head off, the three-legged dog leaps at his throat and kills him.
SC101: New Resources—Emilio shows off his talent for voice mimicry and saves them from exposure.
SC102: It Just Got Better—Gloria and Coral are alive, but tied up and held captive by the distraught Sheriff’s Deputy who wasn’t successful in raping them.
SC102: Surprising Truth—The girls learn that the hamburgers they like so much at the cafe, earlier, was human meat.
SC102: It Just Got Worse—Emilio, then Juan, pull the triggers on their shotguns but nothing happens. They are exposed.
SC104: Unexpected Weapon—A skinhead hammers a nail with a washer into Gloria’s ear against a barn stanchion.
SC105: Unexpected Weapon—Emilio, an established master Frisbee thrower, flings circular saw blades into skinheads’ jugulars.
SC109: Plan Succeeds/New Resources—Juan frees Gloria and Coral as Emilio draws the skinheads out with Woody Woodpecker sounds.
SC109: Unusual Weapon—A circular sawblade lands between Dora Hitchcock’s eyes.
SC109: Unexpected Weapon—A charging skinhead impales himself on Gloria’s foot-anchored pitchfork and rises and lands nose to nose, eye to eye with a moose trophy on the wall.
SC109: Unexpected Weapon—A skinhead is halved by a guillotine, one of the skinheads torture machines.
SC113: New Threat—Mankill returns with more skinheads and rages with vengeance as he scans the dead skinheads on the barn floor.
SC121: Unexpected weapon—As they flee in the SUV a skinhead rides up beside them pointing a gun at the driver Emilio’s head. Emilio swerves into him, The skinhead’s own gun shoots off the skinhead’s nose.
SC124: Surprising Alliance/Safety—Juan saves the three-legged dog.
SC124: Unexpected Weapon—Mankill and his skinheads riding afire from gasoline bomb Juan tossed at them during chase.
SC127: Escape/Reversal—Finally out of the hell of Spooky Holler, they run out of gas yet again and are suddenly approached by a group of Harley riders who we think are more skinheads, but turn out to be Veterans for Disabled Soldiers, who give them gas.
SC132: New Threat—The last image we see is Mankill sitting-up from out of the dripping swamp water burned and really, really pissed.
———————————————-
FAVORITE SETUP/TWIST
SC1: It Just Got Worse—He picks up a crying baby sitting by its dead mother in the street as he runs by. It’s boobytrapped. Juan gets blown up.
SC18: Unexpected weapon—Juan clobbers Mankill in the face with a round kick of his leg protheses.
SC38: New Threat/Danger—Mankill and his skinheads suddenly arrive at farmhouse; block escape with their Harleys.
SC46: Unexpected Weapon—Gloria uses her fingers to pluck Donny’s eye out.
SC132: New Threat—The last image we see is Mankill sitting-up from out of the dripping swamp water burned and really, really pissed.
xxx
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Nick’s Likability/Empathy/Justification.
What I learned: This is a good way to round out character empathy.
1. Brainstorm answers to Likability/Empathy / Distress/Justified for your Hero.
LIKABILITY/LOVABILITY
A. Other people like or respect the character.
—Loved by his wife and best friends who care for him deeply.
B. The character shows love for something.
—He loves his wife and friends and three-legged dog.
C. They’re trying to do something good.
—Trying to recover from his PTSD and lose of limbs.
D. Save the cat—rescue/do something good for someone else.
—He rescues a baby and gets blown up.
E. Funny, humorous, witty.
—After he gets his self-worth back and into action.
F. Kindness.
—Towards animals.
G. Good moral decisions and actions. Being on the right side.
—Ridding the world of amoral skinheads.
EMPATHY / DISTRESS
A. Undeserved misfortune.
—He loses his legs in combat.
B. External Character conflicts.
—PTSD.
C. Plot intruding on life.
—Skinhead encounters.
D. Moral dilemmas.
—To save Afghan baby, or not; to save dog during chase.
E. Forced decisions they’d never make.
—Making weapons out of his legs to kill with.
F. Wound attacked.
—Skinhead smashing prostheses.
JUSTIFICATION
A. The character or their family abused.
—Juan beaten and sodomized, Emilio beaten and hanged, Gloria and Coral beaten and raped.
B. Threatened by others.
—The skinhead culture is to eat dark-skinned human meat.
C. The Hero is the victim of attacks.
—SUV vandalized; getting beaten up, sodomized.
D. They’ve suffered major losses.
—Their freedom and personhood stripped away.
E. The Villain or their representatives have trespassed.
—The skinheads assault their freedom, their very being.
2. Organize them into a sequence that happens in the first Act of your script.
Opening scene: Soldier Juan is in a street skirmish with the Taliban. He ducks behind a tipped-over Humvee in the middle of the street, trying to get to the safety of a building across the street where another soldier covers for him. He sees a baby crying in the middle of the street by its dead mother. He runs, grabs it, and is blown up in a cloud of blood and dust.
Back home in Florida and now a civilian, we see that he has lost his legs and has a bad case of PTSD. His wife, Gloria; best friend, Emilio; and Emilio’s’s wife, Coral, try to help him get over his insecurity by taking him on a weekend getaway camping trip to Georgia.
At a rundown rural cafe/gas station stop, their car is vandalized by a gang of Harley-riding skinheads, who Emilio calls “assholes”. The gang leader, Mankill, feels dissed by that and the altercation turns violent. The sheriff breaks it up just as Mankill is about to shoot Juan in the head.
The sheriff sends the reluctant bikers away. Mankill vows revenge. They leave in the opposite direction the bikers went and eventually turn into a hollow, called Spooky Holler, where there is—advertised on a dripping red lettered signpost—private camping at the end of it. They found their peace and quiet.
They arrive at a farm fronting the camping ground. They go into the farmhouse to register but nobody’s there. It’s a strange place: animal trophies all around the room; plaques on the walls memorializing people with black and hispanic names. The owner finally arrive scarrying dead rabbits and a shotgun and she gladly rents a campsite to them—half-price.
They pitch their tents and settle in around the fire until a rainstorm sends them into a tent. The storm triggers a PTSD episode with Juan. The storm passes. Then they hear more rumbling thunder in the distance. To their horror, it’s not thunder, but a herd of Harleys, lead by Mankill, come home to the farmhouse to party. And their motorcycles block the only lane out. They are trapped!
xxx
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Nick’s Story Map
What I learned: It was a good way to organize plot points, but got a little confusing placing mission/action/villain in their proper order of events.
MISSION:
M1—Plans to go on a camping trip with close friends for R&R, to get his mind off the war and his permanent injuries.
M2— To find a campsite quick and avoid ever seeing the skinheads again.
M3—To escape in the SUV, get help, and come back for the girls.
M4—To escape on motorcycles and get help.
M5—With new legs, Juan is on a mad mission to save his friends.
M6—To find a modern campsite—and peace.
VILLAIN:
V1—Mankill and his skinheads attack Juan and his friends at the gas station.
V2—Mankill and his skinheads arrive at farmstead with a dusty display of Harley gamesmanship.
V3—He smashes Juan’s prothesis.
V4—He brutalizes and sodomizes Juan.
V5—He terrorizes and hangs Emilio.
V6—He vows to kill Juan and chases after him on his Harley.
ACTION:
A1—Juan as a soldier in active combat.
A2—Confrontation with skinheads at cafe/gas station.
A3—Skinheads attack and capture Gloria and Coral.
A4—Gloria kills two skinheads in knife fight.
A5—Mankill chases after Juan and Emilio and captures them.
A6—Mankill smashes Juan’s prostheses.
A7—Juan and Emilio escape again and chased. Emilio is caught.
A8—Juan has an encounter with an alligator.
A9—Juan kills man beating his dog.
A10—Juan saves Emilio from hanging.
A11—Juan blows up machine shed.
A12—Juan and Emilio kill all Mankill’s kin.
A13—Mankill chases fleeing SUV and gets blown up.
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OPENING:
Juan as a soldier in active combat. He steps on a mine and gets blown up (A1). He plans to go on a camping trip with closest friends for R&R, to get his mind off the war and his permanent injuries (M1).
INCITING INCIDENT:
After Emilio dissed him in front of the cafe/gas station, Mankill and his skinheads attack Juan and his friends (V1)(A2). They are saved by the sheriff’s intervention. But, it’s getting late and they must find an out of the way campsite quick and avoid ever seeing the skinheads again (M2).
END OF ACT 1:
Mankill and his skinheads arrive at farmstead with a big display of adolescent Harley showmanship and block the only lane out of the campsite further up the lane (V2). Juan et al are trapped.
MID-POINT:
A foursome of skinheads attack and capture Gloria and Coral who are waiting for Juan and Emilio to return from moving the Harley’s out of the lane while most skinheads are busy inside eating (A3). Gloria kills two skinheads in knife fight (A4). Juan and Emilio escape in the SUV to get help to come back and save the girls, but run out of gas (M3). They are captured by Mankill who smashes Juan’s prothesis (V3). Mankill brutalizes and sodomizes Juan (V4).
END OF ACT 2:
Juan and Emilio escape again, this time on a Harley, under a hail of bullets, one of which strikes the gas line. They run out of gas again (M4) (A6).Emilio is caught by the skinheads (A5)..
CRISIS:
Juan escapes by swimming under the water of the swamp (A7). An alligator attacks him (A8). Mankill drags Emilio back to farmstead to be tortured (V4).
CLIMAX:
Despondent, friends gone, no legs, and skinheads looking for him, Juan crawls back to the farmstead and hides under a spring-toothed cultivator, then gets an idea to make new legs out of the spring-tooth tines. He crafts weaponized legs in the machine shed without getting noticed and they work. Juan is now on a mad mission to save his friends (M5). Juan empales the man who beat on the dog that saved him earlier (A8). He blows up the machine shed (A10) as a diversion to save Emilio from a hanging (A9).
Juan and Emilio join forces and find the girls restrained and being molested by the brute skinheads. They kill all Mankill’s kin with horrible and crafty efficiency (A11). Mankill chases down the now gassed, fleeing SUV (A12). A final fight in which Mankill gets blown up—we think (A13).
RESOLUTION:
To find a modern campsite—and peace (M6).
xxx
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Nick’s Action Structure
What I learned: Structure is essential to hit the key plot points at the right time, then the rest is filling in with interesting stuff.
ACTION STRUCTURE
Opening: Juan is in a firefight with a group of Taliban in Afghanistan. He goes face to face with two Taliban with knives and kills them. Juan knows martial arts beyond military training and is good at it. He grabs up a crying baby in the road as he runs for safety and is blown up to end scene.
—Next scene: He arrives home without legs and is bitter about it—feels like half a man.
Question: Who am I now? We wonder: Will he get over his bitterness and adapt to a life wearing prostheses?
Inciting Incident: Confrontation at rural gas pump. Skinheads molest them. Juan uses his prosthesis to strike Mankill and Mankill threatens to shot him. The Sheriff breaks it up. Mankill threatens to kill them when he is forced by the sheriff to leave. This tells us that we are going to see him and his gang again in the future somehow.
First Turning Point at end of Act 1: While camping down the long, wooded lane from a rural farmhouse, they hear the thunder of Harleys rolling up to the farmhouse. They get out of their tent and look off. Mankill and his skinheads have blocked their escape with motorcycles. They are trapped and certain to be killed when Mankill learns they are there.
Mid-Point: Juan and Emilio discover that Mama is the de facto leader of the skinheads and that, apparently their only source of protein is from dark tourists and, in a pinch, funeral home cadavers, which they render in the barn. They could be next.
Second Turning Point at end of Act 2: Juan and Emilio escape in the SUV, but run out of gas and Emilio is captured by Mankill and taken back to the farm. Juan is hunted, but gets away. At this point, he could either dodge the skinheads searching the swamp for him and possibly make it to the main road and get help, or crawl back to the farm and somehow save Emilio. He chooses the latter.
Crisis: Juan crawls under a spring-toothed cultivator and hides as skinheads wander around it looking for him. With the wives and Emilio gone, and no legs to do anything to save them or himself, he sinks into hopeless despair. Then he gets a crazy idea: Make bladed legs from the cultivator tines. Weaponize them.
Climax: Juan and Emilio go into an action-packed showdown in the barn employing the skinheads’ torture implements, a motorcycle/motorcycle chase scenes, culminating in Mankill getting blown up.
Resolution: They get picked up by the same sheriff who saved them in the beginning. Juan now loves his legs, feels like a man again. Last image on screen: Mankill’s angry, burned head rises out of the swamp.
xxx
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Nick’s Action Track
What I learned: My screenplay has the potential of many action scenes, but also, suspense leading up to them.
Create a rough draft of your Action Track.
Concept: After he and his Latino friends are captured by cannibalistic skinheads during a campout in rural Georgia, a military war hero with PTSD and no legs manages to escape, but must stay and find a way to save his friends or they will be killed and eaten before dawn.
Nutshell: A military war hero with no legs must find a way to save his friends from being eaten by cannibalistic skinheads.
1. Answer the Action Questions:
A. Considering the concept from Lesson 1, what action could naturally show up in this movie?
—Our hero, Juan, is going to encounter all kinds of resistance as he tries to save his companions. He must kill his way to them.
B. Considering the Mission and Villain Tracks, what action could work for this track?
—Chases/pursuits, motorcycle crashes, unique fights, last minute rescues, escapes, torture.
C. How can the action start well, build in the 2nd Act, and escalate to a climax in the 3rd Act?
—A small incident turns violent at a roadside cafe; not much action as they enter an unusual camping situation and suspense builds; then the real action begins and escalates to the end.
2. Select the types of action you’ll use.
Chase/Pursuit
Fight
Shootout
Rescue
Escape/Evade
Dangerous Situations
Torture
3. Sequence the action scenes to deliver your story. Give us your list of action scenes and the purpose of each scene.
DANGEROUS SITUATION/FIGHT:
INTRO: Juan and Emilio are in the army and are in a dogfight with the Taliban. Juan and Emilio both get shot.
Purpose: Introduces Juan and Emilio as brothers-in-war who have to shoot their way out of a desperate situation. Gives us a hint of their fitness and martial arts skills.
DANGEROUS SITUATION/FIGHT:
BACK HOME on an R&R camping trip to Georgia with their wives, Gloria and Coral: Cafe incident turns into a confrontation with skinhead bikers and escalates to the point where Juan and his companions are in mortal danger. Finally halted by the Sheriff—just in time.
Purpose: Introduces the mountain-sized Mankill and his skinheads and reveals their amoral stupidity. Also, shows us the martial arts skills of Gloria and Coral, even though they were losing because they were overwhelmed.
SUSPENSEFUL SITUATION:
We feel Coral’s dread as they stroll into the animal trophy-filled main room of the camp registration office. Hidden clues to their future as they read from the ubiquitous memorial plagues on the wall. The eccentric landlady suddenly bursts into the room with two dead rabbits and a shotgun and a loud mouth. Thunder outside and getting late, they feel they have no choice but to rent the campsite from her.
Purpose: To create a tightening of the spring, suspense, uncertainty, foreshadowing. To make us think that they are naively walking into a spider’s trap where we are going to see some sudden action.
FIGHT/CAPTURE
As Gloria and Coral watch for their husbands’ progress far down the lane, two knuckle-headed skinheads seize them from behind. Gloria and Coral put up a long and desperate fight, but are eventually overcome and knocked out.
Purpose: To infuriate Juan and Emilio when they return to see their wives have been kidnapped, and commits them to seek justice, whether legal or not.
DANGEROUS SITUATION
—Twenty or so Harleys suddenly roar out of the Holler and up to the farmhouse and park in the exit lane. They get off and eventually go inside the house. It’s Mankill and his gang.
Purpose: To create tension and fear. The motorcycles block Juan et al from leaving, creating a dilemma, and worry they will be discovered and killed.
CAPTURE
Gloria and Coral fight for their lives but are knocked out and captured by some skinheads.
Purpose: The girls show they can take care of themselves and are not afraid to maul their attackers trying to get away. One skinhead loses an eye, the other his hand before the girls are subdued.
ATTEMPTED ESCAPE
—Gloria wakes up draped over a skinhead’s shoulder. In a panic, she grabs his knife from his belt and kills him and another. She runs blindly into the dark woods and knocks herself out on a low tree branch and is recaptured.
Purpose: To show Gloria’s survival instincts and create empathy for her.
DISCOVERY
Juan and Emilio sneak into the barn and discover a live man in a cage with all but one arm cut off, another dismembered and rotting, and an obese woman opened down the middle, as well a torture devices.
Purpose: To show the utter horror of the situation they are in.
CAPTURE/TORTURE
—Juan and Emilio are discovered hiding. Mankill smashes Juan’s prosthetic legs. They are beaten and corn hauled repeatedly.
Purpose: Creates a seemingly hopeless situation.
ESCAPE/CAPTURE
—Juan and Emilio escape while the skinheads celebrate. Emilio gets their SUV from the campsite and picks Juan up as he crawls to path. Emilio smashes into all the Harley’s he can before the skinheads charge out firing their guns. They escape into the Holler. Almost to the end of the Holler, they run out of gas, and they hear Harley’s in the distance coming their way. They escape into the swamp.
Purpose: To show Emilio’s rage and subsequent spontaneous actions without thinking of the consequences—and add the thrill of smashing motorcycles with a mad man at the wheel.
DANGEROUS SITUATION/CAPTURE
—Emilio is captured and brought back to the barn for torture.
Purpose: Juan has no place to go but back to save his friend somehow.
EVADE
—Juan encounters an alligator; barely escapes it as it chomps down on where his lower leg prostheses used to be. After nearly getting recaptured, Juan hides behind the spring harrow near the machine shed
Purpose: While hiding under the harrow cultivator, Juan gets the idea to weaponize his legs with the harrow’s spring tines. This is the point that our hero begins to feel the change in himself and get his confidence back. NOW HE HAS A MISSION.
RESCUE
Juan shows us his agility with his leg blades by running a couple of skinhead through for starters. He saves Emilio with mouth to mouth after finding him hanging with a rope around his neck and making death jerks.
Purpose: The action increases. He blows up the machine shed as a diversion to sneak into the barn and save his friend. The gas tank blows. The tractor. A motorcycle.
ESCAPE
—Juan and Emilio commandeer a Harley and take off into the Holler before a hail of bullets. A bullet hits the gasoline line and they run out of gas where the SUV conked out earlier.
Purpose: An adrenaline rush. To make a plan to find the girls now that their lives are momentarily out of danger after escaping into the swamp again..
RESCUE
—They find Gloria and Coral being molested, confront Mama, and kill all her skinhead boys in unique ways–using their own torture paraphernalia, including a guillotine..
Purpose: To showcase them as a team of fighters and each with his own method of killing most horribly—all accidental. They question their own horrible method of killing a skinhead—that maybe they’re no better in the racial hate department.
CHASE/FIGHT
—Mankill and the remainder skinheads roar after them as they escape the Holler in the SUV. They kill the skinheads in a flashy sequence of explosions and wrecks.
Purpose: The grande finale. They escape victoriously.
xxx
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Nick’s Villain Track
What I learned: My villain is a metaphor for racism. He is pure evil–his driving force–and my hero is, in turn, forced to destroy it. He has no consciousness, just reacts. His track is just that–a relentless force that reacts to stimuli until it is stuffed out.
1. Ask the Villain Track questions to discover your Villain’s plan, decisions, and actions.
A. What might be the Villain’s plan to accomplish an evil outcome or to annihilate the hero? The plan could be pre-existing or created on the spot.
The villain, Mankill, is the kind of oversized, Nazi-like bully that looks for trouble in the moment. He’s a metaphor for racism. The trouble begins when Emilio calls him an asshole for cracking his windshield at the cafe. Mankill immediately feels dissed and attacks Emilio, pushes Juan away and sexually gropes the wives. It escalates to where he is about to shoot Juan dead for causing his face to bleed after Juan smashes his leg prosthesis against it, but the Sheriff intervenes and sends Mankill and his gang off. Mankill vows revenge.
B. How many ways can the Villain attack or destroy the hero?
Torture him, destroy his legs, shoot him, hang him, gradually cut him into pieces, eat him.
C. What advantage does the Villain have and how can they exploit that in this movie?
He has unlimited skinheads/Harleys at his disposal, knows the territory, has inescapable devices for housing and slaughtering dark-skinned people—his main food. Mama’s boy.
D. What would be a “fitting end” for this Villain where they pay for what they’ve done?
After his skin is burned off, he fights on and comes at Juan with a Bowie knife. After a wild clanging of blade and leg scythe, Juan sinks his prosthetic leg scythe into his chest.
2. Include labels with each step of their plan.
MISTAKE: Not killing Juan and Emilio at first encounter. <div>
DILEMMA: He has a second chance to kill Juan after capturing him and smashing his prosthetic legs, but his Mama tells him there’s no room in the freezer and to wait until they eat down their existing inventory of human flesh; and don’t bruise them in the meantime or it will ruin the taste.
DECISION/KILL HIM: After Juan goes missing, Mankill enlists more skinheads to find him, but he wants the satisfaction of killing him himself.
PLAN/HIT CONTRACT: The skinhead who captures Juan will get to eat the prized meat as a reward—Juan’s liver.
RETALIATION: After Juan and Emilio kill all his siblings, Mankill is blind with rage and goes after them with a do or die vengeance.
FITTING ENDING: It’s a face-to-face fight, Juan slashing at him with his leg blades and Mankill slicing at him with his Bowie knife. Juan finally sinks a leg blade into his chest.
xxx
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Nick’s Hero Mission Track
What I learned: My story has many plot points to modulate the tension. I identified the principle ones for this exercise, trying to create a comprehensible linear mission track.
A. What is it about this Hero that will have them go straight into the face of the overwhelming odds?
—The most important people in his life are in mortal jeopardy.
B. What is the mission that would be an impossible goal?
—To eliminate all the skinheads and save his friends.
C. What strong internal and external motivation could drive the hero?
—Internal: The love for his kidnapped wife and best friend.
—External: The skinheads are going to kill him.
D. Imagine that mission playing out across a story. What could naturally happen if this hero went on this mission against this villain?
—In his many run-ins and close calls and twists, he could be killed.
2. Use the Mission Steps to outline the mission.
Clear Mission: Juan: To escape entrapment with his wife and friends, which unfortunately involves killing their way out.
Motivation: Juan’s and Emilio’s wives have been captured and will be killed and eaten soon.<div>
Inciting Incident: The confrontation with Mankill and his gang at a country roadside cafe and gas station.
First Action: As Mankill mauls Juan’s wife, Gloria, with lustful gropings, Juan clobbers him in the face with his leg prosthesis.
Obstacle: Juan et al decide to pack up their camping gear and roll quietly away down the only lane out, which passes right in front of the farmhouse where the Skinheads are gathered to party, their Harleys blocking the lane.
Escalation: The wives have been kidnapped. Now Juan and his former military pal, Emilio, desperate to find them, get caught by the skinheads. Mankill smashes Juan’s prostheses.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>Overwhelming Odds: Juan and Emilio escape through the Holler in their SUV, skinheads on motorcycles on their bumper.
Twist: They run out of gas and escape into the swamp, Emilio is recaptured.
New Plan: Juan makes scythe-like legs from an old spring tooth cultivator. They are now lethal weapons.</div>
<div>
Full out Attack: Juan and Emilio save the girls and uniquely kill every skinhead that comes against them.</div><div>
Success: They escape the Holler, Mankill hot on their trail on his Harley. Juan kills him after a wild battle of Bowie knives and weaponized legs.xxx
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Nick’s Hero and Villain
What I learned: I used the extrapolation method as I wrote. It’s a great technic for stretching your creativity.
Concept:
Concept: After he and his Latino friends are captured by cannibalistic skinheads during a campout in rural Georgia, a military war hero with PTSD and no legs manages to escape, but must stay and find a way to save his friends or they will be killed and eaten before dawn.
Nutshell: A military war hero with no legs must find a way to save his friends from being eaten by cannibalistic skinheads.
Hero Morally Right: Juan wants to save his friends.
Villain Morally Wrong: Mankill wants to kill and eat them.
Hero: Juan
Unique Skill Set
Military trained and ex-cage fighter.
B. Motivation
Revenge and eradication of evil.
C. Secret or Wound
No legs; PTSD; his protheses destroyed.
Villain: Mankill
Unbeatable
Seems to have unlimited resource to other, likeminded skinheads.
B. Plan/Goal
To capture and eat Juan and his friends.
C. What they lose if Hero survives
His kin and gang of skinheads die horribly.
Impossible Mission
Puts Hero in Action
He must protect his wife from getting raped.
B. Demands They Go Beyond Their Best:
He crafts scythe-like weapons for legs.
C. Destroy the Villain
He kills all skinheads that get in his way of escape with his friends.
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Nick’s Conventions!
What I learned: There is always room for improvement. Figuring out the conventions defines the basis for the screenplay, also provides help in creating a succinct logline.
Concept: After he and his Latino friends are captured by cannibalistic skinheads during a campout in rural Georgia, a military war hero with PTSD and no legs manages to escape, but must stay and find a way to save his friends or they will be eaten before dawn.
Conventions:
Hero: A Latino military hero comes home with PTSD and no legs. <div>
Demand For Action: He must save his captured Latino friends from being eaten by cannibalistic skinheads.
Mission: To weaponize his prosthetic legs and save his friends.
Antagonist: Mankill and his troop of white, racist skinheads who love eating “dark” human meat.
Escalating Action: The skinheads are relentless in their search for our escaped hero, who must dispatch them one at a time.
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Hello, everybody. My name is Nick Walsh. I have finished four feature screenplays and one TV drama, four of which I wrote taking Hal’s online courses over the past five years, including the Master’s Screenwriting Program, the Pro Series, and the Binge TV course, among others. Currently, working on another feature and about to start looking for a Literary Manager (I must confess, I haven’t begun marketing, yet. Wanted to get some good screenplays under my belt, first.).
I’ve been out of focus for the past three months, and I know, from experience, that doing lessons on time and relating with you, my fellow writers, will certainly put wind back in my sails and cruise me out of the doldrums. I look forward to getting to know you all in the brief month we have together.
I am 75 years old. I don’t feel It; or look it–so I’m told. Seems like yesterday when I was twenty, in the Navy, and going nuts over “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”. Still do. How time flies. I have over 60 “named” cats and three big dogs that I and my wife–who runs a nonprofit TNR [Trap, Neuter, Release] service–care for and clean up after. For some reason, the cats come back to our place. I also share with my aging siblings caring for our 97-year-old mother. But, all is well and it feels good to be busy and alive still shooting for goals. Without them you may as well be dead, as most of my long-time friends are.
Good writing to all, and to all a good write.
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Nick Walsh. I agree to the terms of this release form.
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or…
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I would love to see what you have.