[Patricia Semler]

Ready to exchange thoughts on Version 2 of my outline patriciasemler@gmail.com

Title: Disturb Not
WRITTEN BY PAT SEMLER
Logline: A pair of teachers and their Gen Z students accidentally free a vengeful witch from her prison and scramble to survive her wrath.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Sometime after the Civil War, a nervous group of God-fearing townsfolk hold a solemn vigil at sprawling three story house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
While a witch woman lies dying in the root cellar, three Santeria priestesses are forced to perform a holding spell, symbolically tying a pair of baby shoes. Once done the women are promptly killed by a rabid pastor.
Horror situation – Tricked
Emotions: Dread – The women are betraying one of their own
Suspense – the dying witch promises disaster if she gets free
Fear – Forced to perform
Betrayal – Betrayed in turn, the head priestess curses the men who used them.
Shock – The pastor dies running from the house, prompting it to be shunned.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Present day. The same house surrounded by the foundations of high rise condos. A worker uncovers the mass grave, sworn to silence by Developer Ivan.
Horror situation – Find the clutch of bones
Emotions: Shock – superstitious, the worker is creeped out
Denial — Ivan refuses to acknowledge the find
Fear – the Worker wants no part of this, convinces the entire crew to vacate the site
INT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – DAY
Furious over the mass quitting, Ivan faces new trouble. The house has an historic designation so he can’t bulldoze it.
EXT. VOCATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Meet the core of the carpentry class – Mika, Arianna, Nat, Bryan, Johnny Ray and Rusty, jockeying for plum assignments.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
Ivan offers teacher Franklin hands on experience by renovating the house into something useable.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – LIBRARY – DAY
History teacher Dahlia and a Librarian cull articles about the house and the history of Santeria practices there.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
Dahlia presents the house’s history. It belonged to Esperanza as leader of a Cuban community after the Civil War. She was spurned as a witch.
Rumored hauntings get laughs from these Gen Z non-believers.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
The access is a dirt lane that crosses an old wooden bridge over a wide rocky brook.
The foundations for the condos horseshoe the house with 12 foot chain link fences closing off access from shore to shore of the rambling brook.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – FOYER – DAY
Dahlia and Arianna lay out blueprints Arianna has drawn up for turning the ground floor into a reception area and offices.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – GROUND FLOOR ROOMS – DAY
Franklin leads a tour of the house. Its too quiet. The cell phone service chancy, some electricity, no running water.
Horror Situation – Walking into a trap
Emotions: Anxiety – Gen Zers fret over poor cell service
Suspense – What could happen to them if they stay?
Surprise – A stray cat zooms past them.
Denial – They don’t believe in ghosts.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – DAY
Whisperings follow them through the halls. The boys needle the girls. By the way, where are the bathrooms?
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – OUTHOUSE – DAY
Dahlia shows Arianna and Mika the outhouse. Nat uses it after the girls leave. He’s locked in and threatened by a sludge monster.
Horror Situation – Trapped
Emotions: Surprise. Nat thinks his buddies are playing games.
Disquiet – Something’s moving in the toilet hole
Panic – No one answers his calls for help.
Release – Just seconds from being slimed the door opens. Johnny Ray laughs at him. There’s nothing in the outhouse.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – DAY
Franklin pulls down a trap door to the attic. They’re pummeled by escaping bats.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – FOYER – DAY
Franklin divides up the work. Johnny Ray messes with Mika’s keepsake baby booties. Dahlia takes possession.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
The kids find an ornate mirror and try to invoke Bloody Mary.
Dahlia chases them out and is the only one to see the witch Esperanza in the mirror. Freaked out she covers the mirror.
Horror Situation – Out of the frying pan
Emotions: Suspense – As a goof they recite the mantra
Release – the boys startle the girls
Surprise – Dahlia sees the witch in the glass
Monster Reveal – The witch senses Dahlia’s presence.
Dread – Is this real? What can she do to contain the witch?
Surprise – Dahlia has a connection to Santeria.
Denial – She won’t get involved.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Rusty finds wrapped baby shoes in the wall. Ivan takes the thing, unties the ribbons which undoes the holding spell.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
A ghost light ignites in the cellar, runs through the walls of the house like a spirit awakening.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – LIBRARY – DAY
The Librarian reacts to a psychic warning, unlocks diaries, tries to call Dahlia but the call won’t go through.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – DAY
Ivan tosses the shoes in a trash fire. A storm threatens.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – DAY
Franklin has the boys tackle missing roof tiles. Johnny Ray almost goes over the side after his harness pick point fails.
Horror Situation – Sneak attack
Emotions – Suspense. Safety harnesses unhitch themselves
Panic – No matter what they try they can’t pull Johnny up.
Anguish – They run out of ideas for a rescue.
Release – Nat and Franklin go below to pull Johnny in a window.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Dahlia gets a warning from her librarian friend. Read these books, use what’s inside to keep everyone safe.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION- BROOK – DAY
Driving out, the librarian crashes into a buttress that takes out the bridge on the only road in. She’s drowned.
Horror Situation – Face to face with the monster
Emotions – shock. The apparition simply appears in the way.
Panic – She tries to swerve, hits the bridge
Hysteria – The bridge collapses, she’s trapped and drowns.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – DAY
Dahlia is the only one who can read cursive. So the kids head back to repairs and she digs through the books.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Franklin admonishes Arianna to do more work and less cell phone documentation. She’s bummed that she can’t live stream, is overwhelmed by spiders. Bryan rescues.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
Rusty works solo. A nail gun moves on its own, blinds him in a near miss. A whisper coaxes him to follow.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
Rusty stumbles down stairs. The floor gives under him and he’s swallowed by quicksand.
Horror Situation – Wounded
Emotions – Anguish. Rusty freaks out, latches onto the witch’s voice
Fear – childhood memories surface as he crabs along a hall
Suspense – the witch waits in the root cellar.
Surprise – He’s trapped in quicksand and dies.
New threat – the witch absorbs his memories to learn about these intruders
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR
Work continues, and poltergeist activity increases. Johnny Ray and Bryan struggle with misbehaving tools. Franklin’s confidence begins to fray.
Horror Situation – denial
Emotions: Anxiety – They chalk up troubles to the approaching storm.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Franklin does a perimeter check. They’re surrounded by 10 foot fences, the gate locked. Ivan uninterested in helping.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALL – DAY
Looks like we’re staying the night. Where’s Rusty? A search misses the cellar door. Mika and Nat find common ground in being outsiders.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALL – NIGHT
Ghastly noises, weakening flashlight batteries and ghostly touchings cause tensions to rise. Franklin argues with Dahlia.
Horror Situation – Attacked or chased
Emotions – Anxiety – disbelief hampers the teens’ ability to come to grips with Esperanza’s hauntings
Surprise – Objects take on a life of their own.
Panic – Their world is upended as reality falls apart.
Hysteria – We don’t know what to do.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – NIGHT
Franklin dies in a fall off the roof when his harness undoes itself before his eyes.
Horror situation – isolated
Emotions: Fear. He’s afraid of the storm and without backup.
Suspense – His harness twitches under unseen hands.
Apprehension – Franklin feels the weakness, loses his balance.
Terror – He clings to the eave right over the debris pile.
Shock – Esperanza appears, stomps on his hand holds.
INT/EXT. BUS – NIGHT
Dahlia and the kids pile in, but the bus won’t start.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – NIGHT
They demand that Ivan loan them a vehicle, unlock the gate. Ivan dies trying to jumpstart one of his trucks.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – NIGHT
The machine chases the kids back to the house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – NIGHT
The teens berate Dahlia over her refusal to share Santeria information. They split up when the witch attacks.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Bryan consoles the hysterical Arianna. They’re tormented by Esperanza.
INT. SECOND FLOOR – BEDROOM – DAY
Nat and Mika find the decapitated Bryan. They meet up with Johnny Ray and plot an escape.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT
Arianna has totally flipped out. Esperanza consoles, coaxes her to the mirror and pulls her in.
Horror Situation – Entrapment
Emotions: Hysteria. Arianna is lost without her internet.
Suspense – Esperanza appears to be sympathetic.
Shock – Arianna is beyond thinking, lets the witch take her.
Denial – Too late Arianna resists. Esperanza absorbs her whole, gaining more substance.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Dahlia frantically combs through the books to find the spell to contain the witch. There’s only one thing she really needs – shoes, then she remembers the baby booties.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALLS – NIGHT
The witch captures the remaining teens.
Horror situation – being chased or attacked
Emotions – Dread – Nothing they’re tried has made them safer.
Anguish – Nat is injured
Surprise – Mika takes the lead but Johnny Ray balks and the witch traps them one by one
Horror – Esperanza relishes their terror, needing that frenzy to complete her transformation.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – NIGHT
Dahlia recites a fresh binding spell, using Mika’s booties, sacrificing herself.
Horror situation – Dilemma
Emotions: Dread – Dahlia is desperate to avoid facing the witch, but that would mean sacrificing the teens
Anguish – She’s not sure she can accomplish the holding spell
Anxiety – Esperanza taunts Dahlia to distract her
Suspense – Can she finish the spell and free the teens?
Determination – Not a horror emotion, but Dahlia resolves to give herself to allow the teens to escape
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – NIGHT
On their way out Johnny Ray sets up the generator for a slow burn arson.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Mika, Nat and Johnny Ray run to the brook. Johnny Ray dies trying to cross the brook.
Horror Situation – See another killed
Emotions: Apprehension. The trio flee the house to the brook.
Anxiety – Crossing the water on the broken beams is a balancing act.
Horror – Johnny Ray crows a final “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”, and a final burst of Esperanza’s hatred shoves him off a beam to drown.
Shock – Nat and Mika cower when the house ignites.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Police cars and fire engines crowd the brook as people rush to build a temporary bridge.
The house is burning cinders.
Nat and Mika herded into an ambulance. Neither one ready to talk. Who would believe their story?

[Patricia Semler]

How many years have I taken classes here and I still can’t get the hang of these forums. Ready for feedback exchange at patriciasemler@gmail.com

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S HORROR OUTLINE VERSION 1
What I learned doing this assignment is to flesh out the terror with variation and that some bridging scenes were missing. I also found a lot more horror situation than I thought I had. We’ll see what happens when the characters begin exerting their personalities.
Title still needs to be brainstormed.
Concept – A pair of teachers and their Gen Z students accidentally free a vengeful witch from her prison and scramble to survive her wrath.

EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Sometime after the Civil War, a wary group of God-fearing townsfolk hold a solemn vigil at two story sprawling house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
While a witch woman lies dying in the root cellar, three Santeria priestesses are forced to perform a holding spell. Once done the women are promptly killed.
Horror situation – Tricked
Emotions: Dread – The women are betraying one of their own
Fear – Forced to perform
Betrayal – Betrayed in turn, the head priestess curses the men who used them.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Present day. The same house surrounded by the foundations of high rise condos. A worker uncovers the mass grave, sworn to silence by Developer Ivan.
Horror situation – Find the clutch of bones
Emotions: Shock – superstitious, the worker is creeped out
Denial – Developer Ivan refuses to acknowledge the find
Fear – the Worker wants no part of this, leaves the site
EXT. VOCATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Meet the core of the carpentry class – Mika, Arianna, Nat, Bryan, Johnny Ray and Rusty.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
Ivan offers the teacher Franklin a chance to get hands on experience by renovating the house since he’s restricted by its historic designation.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
History Teacher Dahlia brings in research. Gossip of hauntings get laughs from these Gen Z non-believers.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
The access is a dirt lane that crosses an old wooden bridge over a wide rocky brook.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – GROUND FLOOR ROOMS – DAY
Franklin leads a tour of the house. Its too quiet. The cell phone service chancy, no electricity or running water.
Horror Situation – Walking into a trap
Emotions: Anxiety – Gen Zers fret over poor cell service
Suspense – What could happen to them if they stay?
Release – A stray cat surprises them.
Denial – They don’t believe in ghosts.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – DAY
Whisperings follow them through the halls. The boys needle the girls. By the way, where are the bathrooms?
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – OUTHOUSE – DAY
Dahlia shows Arianna and Mika the outhouse. Nat uses it after the girls leave, locked in and threatened by a sludge monster.
Horror Situation – Trapped
Emotions: Surprise. Nat thinks his buddies are playing games.
Disquiet – Something’s moving in the toilet hole
Panic – No one answers his calls for help.
Release – Just seconds from being slimed the door opens. Johnny Ray laughs at him. There’s nothing in the outhouse.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – DAY
Franklin pulls down a trap door to the attic. They’re pummeled by escaping bats.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – DAY
Dahlia finds out the house belonged to Esperanza as leader of a Cuban community after the Civil War.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
The kids find an ornate mirror and try to invoke Bloody Mary.
Dahlia chases them out and is the only one to see the witch Esperanza in the mirror. Freaked out she covers the mirror.
Horror Situation – Out of the frying pan
Emotions: Suspense – As a goof they recite the mantra
Release – the boys startle the girls
Surprise – Dahlia sees the witch in the glass
Monster Reveal – The witch senses Dahlia’s presence.
Dread – Is this real? What can she do to contain the witch?
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Rusty finds the witchy bundle in the wall. Ivan takes the thing, unties the ribbons which undoes the holding spell.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
A ghost light ignites in the cellar, runs through the walls of the house like a spirit awakening.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – DAY
Ivan tosses the shoes in a trash fire.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – DAY
The boys deal with missing roof tiles. Johnny Ray almost goes over the side after his harness pick point fails.
Horror Situation – Sneak attack
Emotions – Suspense. Safety harnesses unhitch themselves
Panic – No matter what they try they can’t pull Johnny up.
Anguish – They run out of ideas for a rescue.
Release – Nat and Bryan go below to pull Johnny in a window.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Dahlia gets a warning from her librarian friend about the house. Get out before the witch wakes.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION- BROOK – DAY
Driving out, the librarian crashes into a buttress that takes out the bridge on the only road in. She’s drowned.
Horror Situation – Face to face with the monster
Emotions – shock. The apparition simply appears in the way.
Panic – She tries to swerve, hits the bridge
Hysteria – The bridge collapses, she’s trapped and drowns.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – DAY
Dahlia is the only one who can read cursive. So the kids head back to repairs and she digs through the books.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Franklin admonishes Arianna to do more work and less Facetime live stream documentation. She’s overwhelmed by spiders.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
Rusty works solo. A nail gun moves on its own, blinds him in a near miss. A whisper coaxes him to follow.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
Rusty stumbles down stairs. The floor gives under him and he’s swallowed by quicksand.
Horror Situation – Wounded
Emotions – Anguish. Rusty freaks out, latches onto the witch’s voice
Fear – childhood memories surface as he crabs along a hall
Suspense – the witch waits in the root cellar.
Surprise – He’s trapped in quicksand and dies.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR
Work continues, but poltergeist activity increases. Johnny Ray and Bryan struggle with misbehaving tools.
Horror Situation – denial
Emotions: Anxiety – They chalk up troubles to approaching storm.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Franklin does a perimeter check. They’re surrounded by 10 foot fences, the gate locked. Ivan uninterested in helping.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALL – DAY
Where’s Rusty? A search misses the cellar door.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – NIGHT
Dahlia reports highlights about Esperanza. The kids aren’t buying the “typical” horror story themes.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALL – NIGHT
Ghastly noises, weakening flashlight batteries and ghostly touchings cause tensions to rise.
Horror Situation – Attacked or chased
Emotions – Anxiety – disbelief hampers the teens’ ability to come to grips with Esperanza’s hauntings
Panic – Their world is upended as reality falls apart.
Hysteria – We don’t know what to do.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – NIGHT
Franklin dies in a fall off the roof when his harness undoes itself before his eyes.
Horror situation – isolated
Emotions: Fear. He’s afraid of the storm and without backup.
Suspense – His harness twitches under unseen hands.
Apprehension – Franklin feels the weakness, loses his balance.
Terror – He clings to the eave right over the debris pile.
Shock – Esperanza appears, stomps on his hand holds.
INT/EXT. BUS – NIGHT
The kids pile in, but the bus won’t start. They run to the construction trailer, demand that Ivan unlock the gate.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – NIGHT
Ivan dies trying to jumpstart one of his construction vehicles, strangled with the cords.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – NIGHT
The machine chases the kids back to the house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT
Jock Bryan picks the wrong time to hit on Arianna which riles Esperanza with righteous fury.
INT. SECOND FLOOR – BEDROOM – DAY
Nat and Mika find the decapitated Bryan. They locate Johnny Ray and plot an escape.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT
Arianna has totally flipped out. Esperanza consoles, coaxes her to the mirror and pulls her in.
Horror Situation – Entrapment
Emotions: Hysteria. Arianna is lost without her internet.
Suspense – Esperanza appears to be sympathetic.
Shock – Arianna is beyond thinking, lets the witch take her.
Denial – Too late Arianna resists. Esperanza absorbs her whole, gaining more substance.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Dahlia frantically combs through the books to find anything that will contain the witch.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALLS – NIGHT
The witch captures the remaining teens, prepares to siphon their life energy.
Horror situation – being chased or attacked
Emotions – Dread – Nothing they’re tried has made them safer.
Anguish – Nat is injured
Surprise – Mika takes the lead but Johnny Ray balks and the witch traps them one by one
Horror – Esperanza relishes their terror
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – NIGHT
Dahlia bluffs a fresh binding spell, using baby shoes that belong to Mika from her sister, sacrificing herself.
Horror situation – Dilemma
Emotions: Dread – Dahlia is desperate to avoid facing the witch, but that would mean sacrificing the teens
Anguish – She’s not sure she can accomplish the holding spell
Anxiety – Esperanza taunts Dahlia to distract her
Suspense – Can she finish the spell and free the teens?
Determination – Not a horror emotion, but Dahlia resolves to give herself to allow the teens to escape
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – NIGHT
On their way out Johnny Ray sets up a slow burn arson.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Mika, Nat and Johnny Ray run to the brook. Johnny Ray dies trying to cross the brook.
Horror Situation – See another killed
Emotions: Apprehension. The trio flee the house to the brook.
Anxiety – Crossing the water on the broken beams is a balancing act.
Horror – Johnny Ray crows a final “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”, and a final burst of Esperanza’s hatred shoves him off a beam to drown.
Shock – Nat and Mika cower when the house ignites.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Police cars and fire engines crowd the brook as people rush to build a temporary bridge.
The house is burning cinders.
Nat and Mika herded into an ambulance. Neither one ready to talk.
Who would believe their story?

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S HORROR OUTLINE VERSION 1
What I learned doing this assignment is to flesh out the terror with variation and that some bridging scenes were missing. I also found a lot more horror situation than I thought I had. We’ll see what happens when the characters begin exerting their personalities.
Title still needs to be brainstormed.
Concept – A pair of teachers and their Gen Z students accidentally free a vengeful witch from her prison and scramble to survive her wrath.

EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Sometime after the Civil War, a wary group of God-fearing townsfolk hold a solemn vigil at two story sprawling house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
While a witch woman lies dying in the root cellar, three Santeria priestesses are forced to perform a holding spell. Once done the women are promptly killed.
Horror situation – Tricked
Emotions: Dread – The women are betraying one of their own
Fear – Forced to perform
Betrayal – Betrayed in turn, the head priestess curses the men who used them.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Present day. The same house surrounded by the foundations of high rise condos. A worker uncovers the mass grave, sworn to silence by Developer Ivan.
Horror situation – Find the clutch of bones
Emotions: Shock – superstitious, the worker is creeped out
Denial – Developer Ivan refuses to acknowledge the find
Fear – the Worker wants no part of this, leaves the site
EXT. VOCATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Meet the core of the carpentry class – Mika, Arianna, Nat, Bryan, Johnny Ray and Rusty.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
Ivan offers the teacher Franklin a chance to get hands on experience by renovating the house since he’s restricted by its historic designation.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
History Teacher Dahlia brings in research. Gossip of hauntings get laughs from these Gen Z non-believers.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
The access is a dirt lane that crosses an old wooden bridge over a wide rocky brook.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – GROUND FLOOR ROOMS – DAY
Franklin leads a tour of the house. Its too quiet. The cell phone service chancy, no electricity or running water.
Horror Situation – Walking into a trap
Emotions: Anxiety – Gen Zers fret over poor cell service
Suspense – What could happen to them if they stay?
Release – A stray cat surprises them.
Denial – They don’t believe in ghosts.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – DAY
Whisperings follow them through the halls. The boys needle the girls. By the way, where are the bathrooms?
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – OUTHOUSE – DAY
Dahlia shows Arianna and Mika the outhouse. Nat uses it after the girls leave, locked in and threatened by a sludge monster.
Horror Situation – Trapped
Emotions: Surprise. Nat thinks his buddies are playing games.
Disquiet – Something’s moving in the toilet hole
Panic – No one answers his calls for help.
Release – Just seconds from being slimed the door opens. Johnny Ray laughs at him. There’s nothing in the outhouse.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – DAY
Franklin pulls down a trap door to the attic. They’re pummeled by escaping bats.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – DAY
Dahlia finds out the house belonged to Esperanza as leader of a Cuban community after the Civil War.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
The kids find an ornate mirror and try to invoke Bloody Mary.
Dahlia chases them out and is the only one to see the witch Esperanza in the mirror. Freaked out she covers the mirror.
Horror Situation – Out of the frying pan
Emotions: Suspense – As a goof they recite the mantra
Release – the boys startle the girls
Surprise – Dahlia sees the witch in the glass
Monster Reveal – The witch senses Dahlia’s presence.
Dread – Is this real? What can she do to contain the witch?
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Rusty finds the witchy bundle in the wall. Ivan takes the thing, unties the ribbons which undoes the holding spell.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
A ghost light ignites in the cellar, runs through the walls of the house like a spirit awakening.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – DAY
Ivan tosses the shoes in a trash fire.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – DAY
The boys deal with missing roof tiles. Johnny Ray almost goes over the side after his harness pick point fails.
Horror Situation – Sneak attack
Emotions – Suspense. Safety harnesses unhitch themselves
Panic – No matter what they try they can’t pull Johnny up.
Anguish – They run out of ideas for a rescue.
Release – Nat and Bryan go below to pull Johnny in a window.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Dahlia gets a warning from her librarian friend about the house. Get out before the witch wakes.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION- BROOK – DAY
Driving out, the librarian crashes into a buttress that takes out the bridge on the only road in. She’s drowned.
Horror Situation – Face to face with the monster
Emotions – shock. The apparition simply appears in the way.
Panic – She tries to swerve, hits the bridge
Hysteria – The bridge collapses, she’s trapped and drowns.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – DAY
Dahlia is the only one who can read cursive. So the kids head back to repairs and she digs through the books.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Franklin admonishes Arianna to do more work and less Facetime live stream documentation. She’s overwhelmed by spiders.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
Rusty works solo. A nail gun moves on its own, blinds him in a near miss. A whisper coaxes him to follow.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
Rusty stumbles down stairs. The floor gives under him and he’s swallowed by quicksand.
Horror Situation – Wounded
Emotions – Anguish. Rusty freaks out, latches onto the witch’s voice
Fear – childhood memories surface as he crabs along a hall
Suspense – the witch waits in the root cellar.
Surprise – He’s trapped in quicksand and dies.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR
Work continues, but poltergeist activity increases. Johnny Ray and Bryan struggle with misbehaving tools.
Horror Situation – denial
Emotions: Anxiety – They chalk up troubles to approaching storm.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Franklin does a perimeter check. They’re surrounded by 10 foot fences, the gate locked. Ivan uninterested in helping.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALL – DAY
Where’s Rusty? A search misses the cellar door.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – NIGHT
Dahlia reports highlights about Esperanza. The kids aren’t buying the “typical” horror story themes.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALL – NIGHT
Ghastly noises, weakening flashlight batteries and ghostly touchings cause tensions to rise.
Horror Situation – Attacked or chased
Emotions – Anxiety – disbelief hampers the teens’ ability to come to grips with Esperanza’s hauntings
Panic – Their world is upended as reality falls apart.
Hysteria – We don’t know what to do.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – NIGHT
Franklin dies in a fall off the roof when his harness undoes itself before his eyes.
Horror situation – isolated
Emotions: Fear. He’s afraid of the storm and without backup.
Suspense – His harness twitches under unseen hands.
Apprehension – Franklin feels the weakness, loses his balance.
Terror – He clings to the eave right over the debris pile.
Shock – Esperanza appears, stomps on his hand holds.
INT/EXT. BUS – NIGHT
The kids pile in, but the bus won’t start. They run to the construction trailer, demand that Ivan unlock the gate.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – NIGHT
Ivan dies trying to jumpstart one of his construction vehicles, strangled with the cords.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – NIGHT
The machine chases the kids back to the house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT
Jock Bryan picks the wrong time to hit on Arianna which riles Esperanza with righteous fury.
INT. SECOND FLOOR – BEDROOM – DAY
Nat and Mika find the decapitated Bryan. They locate Johnny Ray and plot an escape.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT
Arianna has totally flipped out. Esperanza consoles, coaxes her to the mirror and pulls her in.
Horror Situation – Entrapment
Emotions: Hysteria. Arianna is lost without her internet.
Suspense – Esperanza appears to be sympathetic.
Shock – Arianna is beyond thinking, lets the witch take her.
Denial – Too late Arianna resists. Esperanza absorbs her whole, gaining more substance.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Dahlia frantically combs through the books to find anything that will contain the witch.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALLS – NIGHT
The witch captures the remaining teens, prepares to siphon their life energy.
Horror situation – being chased or attacked
Emotions – Dread – Nothing they’re tried has made them safer.
Anguish – Nat is injured
Surprise – Mika takes the lead but Johnny Ray balks and the witch traps them one by one
Horror – Esperanza relishes their terror
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – NIGHT
Dahlia bluffs a fresh binding spell, using baby shoes that belong to Mika from her sister, sacrificing herself.
Horror situation – Dilemma
Emotions: Dread – Dahlia is desperate to avoid facing the witch, but that would mean sacrificing the teens
Anguish – She’s not sure she can accomplish the holding spell
Anxiety – Esperanza taunts Dahlia to distract her
Suspense – Can she finish the spell and free the teens?
Determination – Not a horror emotion, but Dahlia resolves to give herself to allow the teens to escape
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – NIGHT
On their way out Johnny Ray sets up a slow burn arson.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Mika, Nat and Johnny Ray run to the brook. Johnny Ray dies trying to cross the brook.
Horror Situation – See another killed
Emotions: Apprehension. The trio flee the house to the brook.
Anxiety – Crossing the water on the broken beams is a balancing act.
Horror – Johnny Ray crows a final “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”, and a final burst of Esperanza’s hatred shoves him off a beam to drown.
Shock – Nat and Mika cower when the house ignites.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Police cars and fire engines crowd the brook as people rush to build a temporary bridge.
The house is burning cinders.
Nat and Mika herded into an ambulance. Neither one ready to talk.
Who would believe their story?

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Scary-as-hell scene
What I learned doing this assignment is wracking up scares is as simple as examining each moment to build that nervous energy before letting it explode, not literally this time, into fear.
Situation – everyone needs to search house for missing people and come together for protection.
EMOTION SEQUENCE – dread to hysteria
Dread – Working in pairs, the teens have to find missing people, not knowing what’s waiting for them
Anxiety – Arianna’s already twitchy, having had a brush with the witch
Surprise – Working with Johnny Ray, they open a door and a painted head rolls away
Release – After the initial fright, Arianna explains away the thing with her “research” Santeria put heads against their doors as guards.
Suspense – anybody here? Johnny Ray raises the candle high, there’s Bryan. Sleeping.
Apprehension – How can he sleep after all this? Approach.
Shock – Body has no head
Anguish – How gross. Wait a minute. Look around for the guardian head
Shock – its Bryan’s.
Hysteria – Arianna screams, runs. Johnny Ray beats her to the door to get out.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
Arianna practically glues herself to Johnny Ray’s back as they inch along the hall by candlelight.
Ahead of them the hall seems unnaturally long and creepy with doors hanging half open and shadowed. Some are closed.
JOHNNY RAY
Bryan, Dahlia wants us all together. Where are you?
Only floorboards creaking under their feet breaks a blanketing silence.
Johnny stops at a closed room. Taking a breath he tests the knob, pushes the door open with some resistance.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BEDROOM – NIGHT
One hand on the knob, the other holding the candle high Johnny shoves into the room.
Something rolls across the floor.
Arianna screeches, clings to his back. Johnny lowers the candle.
It’s a head painted half red, half black.
Disgusted he takes the light off it.
JOHNNY RAY
Oh, gross.
ARIANNA
Wait, wait, wait. I saw this in a post about Santeria. They put stone heads at their doors as guardians. Isn’t that odd?
JOHNNY RAY
It’s blasphemous. A house should be guarded by the Savior’s cross, not idolatry.
ARIANNA
Not arguing religion, its what they believe. What’s that on the bed?
They inch further into the room, candle light seeming to dwindle as they approach the huge canopied bed.
Feet hang over the end, legs splayed. Body flat out.
ARIANNA
Bryan! How dare you sleep at a time like this!
They round to the side. The light slides up the torso.
Arms flung to either side. And
NO HEAD.
Arianna screeches, plants her face into Johnny’s back. He sidesteps for balance under her weight, kicks something on the floor.
It’s the missing saw.
Johnny Ray gapes a moment, then his hand with the candle moves. His eyes follow, land on the stone head.
The candle flame flares. Johnny Ray’s eyes go wide as he sees past the paint and recognizes Bryan’s features.
Feeling his tension Arianna has to look up, straight at the head. This is too much for her to process. She lets out a blood-curdling scream.
That’s all the prompt Johnny Ray needs. He beelines for the door swinging shut.
The saw starts up with an ominous roar. A witchy cackle cracks over them.
Arianna bolts after Johnny Ray. They claw at the panel to keep it from shutting them in.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
The pair fight each other to get out, drag the door shut.
Arianna sobs. Johnny Ray clings to the door knob.
JOHNNY RAY
Christ implores. In the name of. God the Father. I can’t remember the words.
ARIANNA
What does it matter! She’s everywhere.
DAHLIA (O.S.)
Arianna! Johnny Ray. Everybody to the drawing room now.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S SCARES, RELEASES AND CREEPY MOMENTS
What I learned from this assignment is to let imagination run wild and silence the censor. And could possibly be creepier than a monster made out of shit?
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
Mika and Arianna locate Dahlia.
MIKA
Miss Stewart, there’s no bathroom.
EXT. OUTHOUSE – DAY
The girls gape at the Porta-Potty set up next to an ancient but still solid outhouse.
DAHLIA
Take your pick.
ARIANNA
What is that?
DAHLIA
That is an outhouse. They didn’t have indoor plumbing in colonial days.
ARIANNA
Ugh.
MIKA
How did they shower?
DAHLIA
Laundry tub likely in the kitchen or close by. Water had to be heated on the stove and poured in.
ARIANNA
This is getting more disgusting by the minute. And people lived like this?
DAHLIA
The rich people. The poor had to make due with whatever they could find. Don’t be long. There’s a lot of work to do.
She heads to the house. Mika and Arianna don’t move, aghast.
A shower of water splashes off to their left.
Startled, they jump a little, look over.
Johnny Ray relieves himself against a tree.
Arianna rolls her eyes in disgust, turns for the house.
Mika watches him a moment in obvious jealousy, looks at the outhouse, decides no and turns to follow Arianna.
Nat passes them. Johnny Ray finishes, zips up, nods at Nat.
JOHNNY RAY
All yours.
NAT
I wish. I need a sit down. Let Franklin know I’ll be a while.
JOHNNY RAY
Good luck with that.
Nat frowns after him, steps up to the Porta-Potty and yanks the door open. Just as quick he slams it shut, eyes tearing.
NAT
Damm me, what are those construction guys eating for lunch?
He goes to the outhouse, gingerly opens the door. When he’s not assaulted by smell or occupant he steps in.
INT. OUTHOUSE – DAY
Nat checks out all corners and beams of the 6’ by 3’ space for infestation, gives a leery glance down the hole under the toilet seat.
The sludge is an undefined mess of dissolving paper, excrement and lime powder.
The door closes with a SNICK. He shrugs, drops his pants and plops down.
EXT. OUTHOUSE – DAY
A towering tree behind the outhouse shivers. The lowest limbs bow down and tendrils of Spanish Moss snake down to cover the outhouse door.
INT. OUTHOUSE – DAY
Standing, Nat gives his pants a final adjust, puts a shoulder to the door. Grunts when it doesn’t yield to his push.
He backs up the bare foot of floor space, plants both hands chest high and shoves. Nothing.
Behind him, deep in the hole something moves in the sludge.
An arm forms out of excrement, snakes up the wall.
Fingers evolve, flexing to grab.
Nat pounds on the door.
NAT
Hey! Anybody out there? Not funny, guys.
He catches a whiff of rotting waste, gags. SOMETHING SCRATCHES a STONE in the hole.
He doesn’t want to look, has to. Keeps his feet as close to the door as possible while he leans over to look.
The sludge is rising up the hole. Two arms now pulling a hulking form higher, bulbous head sunk low between shoulders.
Panicking, Nat humps his hip against the door. Pummels it.
NAT
Help. Somebody! Let me out. There’s something alive in here. HELP!
He pounds for all he’s worth, eyes tearing, gagging on the stench, on the verge of vomiting.
Fingers inch over the seat rim, catch hold.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S LEVEL 3 HORROR EMOTION SCENE
What I learned doing this assignment is not so much as milking the emotion, but mining the experience to generate the angst that will seal in the horror of the script.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – NIGHT
Mika holds Arianna close as they huddle in a corner. Nat cradles his broken arm, on his knees just in front of them.
Esperanza wanders from one side of the room to the other, at turns amused and irritated by Dahlia’s spellcraft efforts.
Centered in a chalk circle, with candles at the cardinal points, Dahlia strains to read directions from an open diary as she prepares a pair of baby shoes.
ESPERANZA
Not bad, girl. But it won’t work.
Startled out of her concentration, Dahlia sits back on her heels, looks up into almost sympathetic eyes.
DAHLIA
Why not?
ESPERANZA
Belief. You children believe in nothing so nothing binds the spell. You’re also missing the final ingredient.
Dahlia pushes through her stash or herbs and things. Everything’s there per her book. Exhausted, frustrated, she’s ready to give in to helplessness.
MIKA
She’s trying to distract you. Don’t listen to her.
Esperanza flicks a hand in the teens’ direction. Dirt cascades out of the wall over them. Arianna wails. Mika shields them both as best she can.
DAHLIA
It was the coven, wasn’t it?
The witch’s focus snaps back.
ESPERANZA
Always know who your friends are. Jealousy runs still and deep.
DAHLIA
Why would they do this to you?
ESPERANZA
Ambition betrays all. Husbands seek political appointments, church bishops compete for prestige. White skin aghast at black or brown success. The taint of witchcraft. No, not here. The girls turned against their instincts, against me.
Her sweep back and forth resumes, attention turning inward.
Dahlia gives a look back at the teens. She nods toward the stairs.
Nat eyes the short distance they have to travel. Hesitates. Mika punches his good shoulder.
MIKA
Low and slow, move.
ESPERANZA
They wouldn’t listen. Where are they now? Dead and moldering bones, forgotten under gravestones. If they even have a marker. While I still exist. No, choose your friends carefully, my pet. Choose carefully.
DAHLIA
There’s nothing I can do to stop you?
Nat drags himself across the floor. Mika prods Arianna into motion, stays close by her side as they advance.
Dahlia gets to her feet, moves the opposite way to hold the witch’s attention.
ESPERANZA
That pitiful spell won’t. You’re missing the key.
DAHLIA
Tell me.
The witch flies in nose to nose.
ESPERANZA
Why baby shoes, girl!
DAHLIA
I don’t — A life. A new life. An innocent life.
ESPERANZA
The blood of innocence. Fool! It takes blood to bind blood and you won’t find any here. Your people are gone. These children won’t serve your purpose. They belong to me.
Dahlia looks for the teens, half-way up the steps. Too slow. She sprinkles powder over the candles to create smoke.
DAHLIA
You need their essence to escape the house entirely.
ESPERANZA
My precious house. All I ever wanted, a grand house of my own, and they turned it into a prison.
She runs hands along the wall. Dirt trickles. Wood beams splinter under her fingers.
Nat makes it to the top, turns back to grab Arianna’s shoulder and encourage her up. Mika hesitates two steps from the top to find Dahlia. Her eyes widen in horror.
MIKA
Dahlia no!
DAHLIA
Go, now!
Nat reaches to tug Mika up and out of sight.
Esperanza whirls to face Dahlia. Shocked to see bloody wrists.
ESPERANZA
What are you doing?
Dahlia kneels at her altar again, picks up the shoes and a ribbon.
DAHLIA
I would have worked with you, grandmother, protected you, but your anger and hatred have corrupted what’s left of your soul. I bind you to this place, impotent and faithless.
Esperanza drops to her knees, tries to stem the blood spilling over the shoes.
DAHLIA
As you bound innocents to your will I bind you to mine.
She wraps the ribbon in place, infusing blood into each twist and knot. Esperanza howls.
Things rise up to strike Dahlia.
She keeps at her work, ignoring the bruises and cuts, pushes to her feet to carry the shoes to a gap in the wall.
DAHLIA
To this place, your sanctum and sanctuary for all eternity. Your only grace would be forgiveness from the One who gives all grace.
ESPERANZA
Foolish girl. A few drops of blood won’t stop me.
Dahlia inserts the shoes into the gap, smears dirt in over the bundle. She faces the witch.
DAHLIA
More than a few drops shed in place of the children in my care.
Esperanza’s howl reverberates through the walls. Dirt cascades. Timbers crack and shatter. The roof caves in.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – NIGHT
Nat and Mika lead Arianna between them as they make their best speed toward the bridge.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S LEVEL 2 HORROR EMOTION SCENE
What I learned doing this assignment is set up is just as
important as pay off to make the dread work.

INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
Bryan, Nat and Rusty carefully move shrouded furniture across
the room, away from where Johnny Ray and Mika are prodding a
wall for damage.

They rib each other with tales of hauntings, mostly straight
out of ghost hunter TV.

JOHNNY RAY
Ya’ll ought’a know better than to
tempt the devil.

NAT
And just how are we doing that?

Johnny Ray turns, entirely serious.

JOHNNY RAY
All your talk of ghosts and demons
and such. If’n Old Scratch got
nothing better to do he might give
and ear and bring up some hellfire.

MIKA
Excuse me, we have work to go, and
ghosts don’t answer to any Devil.

JOHNNY RAY
How about witches?

MIKA
Sorry, no. Anything you’ve heard
was lies made up by whatever church
was in control to keep the women
from challenging their authority.

JOHNNY RAY
I ain’t never seen a ghost. Sure
hope I never do, and ya’ll please
stop with the spook stories.

The last piece to move is a tall thin something on wheels.
Rusty tugs the cover off to reveal a magnificent ornate
mirror.

BRYAN
Whoa, would you look at this!
2.

Mika and Johnny Ray join the others to ogle their reflections
in the dark glass that seems to swallow light.

Nat lights up with mischief, elbows Bryan. They just have to
try. Bryan slips around behind without being noticed.

NAT
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, bloody
Mary.

Dahlia walks in with a box of supplies.

Bryan rattles the mirror, making Johnny Ray and Mika jump.
Nothing appears in the glass as the boys laugh.

DAHLIA
Yeah, very funny. Back to work.

She chases the kids from the room, glances into the mirror as
she moves back to her project.

There’s a figure there. Faint. Far away.

Dahlia stops dead, scans the room. She’s alone and there’s no
other reflective surface.

Back to the mirror, it’s a woman, silhouetted, long dress,
long hair in braids, tending to something in a pot on a fire.

Dahlia’s weight shifts. A floor board creaks.

The mirror head snaps around, looks hard.

Dahlia shrinks back out of line of sight.

The face looms up so close, all Dahlia can see is one eye
peering into the room. A dark mean eye. A promise of menace.

Shaking she almost trips on the coverlet, grabs it up to
throw over the mirror frame.

Backing away, still shaking, she jumps when the door opens
and Franklin enters. He frowns at her.

FRANKLIN
You okay?

DAHLIA
Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. The kids were
playing games.

FRANKLIN
What’s this?
3.
He moves in to tug the coverlet.

DAHLIA
No. Don’t do —

Exposes the mirror. It’s back to normal. Franklin gives her a
quizzical look.

DAHLIA (CONT’D)
It’s antique. It should be
protected.

He throws the coverlet back in place.

Dahlia stares hard. Did the eye blink in the bottom corner
just before it was blinded?

FRANKLIN
Are you sure you’re all right?

DAHLIA
Yeah, of course. I guess my
imagination is getting the better
of me reading those old journals.

FRANKLIN
Well, take your mind off any ghost
stories and put this somewhere the
boys can’t get to it if its that
precious to you.

He looks into the box of supplies, pulls out boxes of roofing
nails and exits.

Dahlia doesn’t move, staring at the shrouded mirror. She
fingers a beaded bracelet on her left wrist, mouths a prayer.

It’s a long moment before she can bring herself to set hands
on the frame. A breeze flits through the room, raises
hackles. A whisper follows.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S LEVEL 1 HORROR EMOTION SCENE
What I learned doing this assignment is to add depth to a simple scene to instigate the tension and set up questions.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Old world elegance stripped to the bare walls. Signs of vandalism and poverty in what’s left of the furnishings.
In the center of the room 3 Cuban women form a triangle facing one another. Dressed simply in white dresses and head scarves they’re focused on a vintage nightstand holding a tiny altar of candles, flowers, ribbons and a pair of unworn baby shoes.
Holding hands, heads bowed the women chant a prayer/hymn/spell in corrupted Latin.
Wary, frightened eyes dart back and forth.
Fingers cling against nerves.
Lips quiver as voices crack with strain.
Surrounding the trio a full dozen hard-faced shotgun-toting white men. Uncomfortable with the ceremony but steadfast.
A pastor clasps his Bible as a defense at heart level, rabid hate pinching his well-fed face.
The chant crescendos. The Priestesses drop their hand holds to tap the altar with reverence.
PRIESTESS ALVA, slightly older than the others, picks up a ribbon, ties the shoes together. She nods to the others.
BENITA plucks up a fresh ribbon. Shaking hands add another loop around the shoes then knot.
PIA cries silent tears as she takes the last ribbon and binds the bundle tightly.
They each place one hand on the bundle.
PRIESTESS ALVA
Restless spirit, we bind thee to this token and this house. May your rage never again venture beyond these walls. This we do in love ..
The pastor grunts disapproval. Alva’s eyes come up, level a frosty disregard in return.
PRIESTESS ALVA
And service to our Lord and Savior and the community we are pledged to protect. Bear us no ill will, sister. We forgive you.
She produces a tiny knife from her girdle. It passes hand to hand, nicking a fingertip to draw a bead of blood to be smeared over the ribbons.
Alva takes up the bundle, presents it to the sky. Ignoring the hostile men, the women fall into a line, advance to a gaping hole in an inner wall.
She secures the bundle down deep inside. The three are jerked backwards and men step in to nail the missing wall panels back in place.
Only then does the pastor drop his rigid pose. He advances to consecrate the wall with Holy Water.
The women are herded out of the room.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – FRONT PORCH – DAY
The group marches to a long ditch. The women stop on the edge, look down into what can only be a grave.
That’s the last thing they see. Men step up to stab each woman in the back. Benita and Pia fall into the pit.
Alva manages to keep her feet, turns on the group.
PRIESTESS ALVA
Your betrayal and theft will avail you nothing. By this blood you shed today these fields will never again yield a bounty. This house will never harbor a white family. You.
She catches her oozing blood, flings it in the Pastor’s face.
PRIESTESS ALVA
May God curse your family to the last generation.
She steps backwards into the pit. Wind rises and a WAIL rattles tree limbs. The men turn tail and run away.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S HORROR OUTLINE
What I learned doing this assignment is act 2 will require more detail for tension building and the deaths have to be more inventive for impact.
Concept – A pair of teachers and their Gen Z students tackle a historic house restoration. When a witchy bundle is uncovered, the idea of a curse is mocked, but when the bundle is destroyed it releases the imprisoned witch to prey on the group.
I’m ready to exchange feedback. Patriciasemler@gmail.com

EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Sometime after the Civil War, mid 1880s, a wary group of townsfolk hold a solemn vigil.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
Trapped in the house, middle-aged Santeria wise woman Esperanza lays dying of starvation. She whispers her defiance in a curse on the house and family.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
3 Santeria priestesses, dressed in white, unhappy and under guard by shotgun toting male escorts, hold a ceremony over a pair of pristine baby shoes.
Chanting all the while, blessing with incense and herbs, the shoes are ritually tied into a tight bundle, slid into a mouse hole in the wall.
The group is ushered out as an eerie wail echoes through the house. The house is boarded up and left.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Present day. The same house stands on the fringe of a development property, surrounded by machinery and the foundations of a cluster of high rise condos.
A worker gets too close to the house in his forklift. The machine acts odd and he’s injured.
EXT. VOCATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Teens loiter or make their way inside as bells ring.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
Teacher Calvin Franklin runs the class with discipline and persuasion as the only 2 girls deal with pranks and taunts from the boys.
Mika and Arianna, are not close friends, but allies in their dealings with Nat, Johnny Ray, Rusty and Bryan.
Nat tries to outclass Mika, but she’s a natural woodworker with the brains to back up her skills.
Not your stereotypical Gen Zers. These kids want to learn a skill to get them out of this town.
Developer Ivan lectures the class on job opportunities, complains about the house in his way.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CARPENTRY SHOP – DAY
History Teacher Dahlia brings in some research on the house, confronts Ivan with the law. The house itself can’t be touched due to its historic designation. End of story.
Well what am I supposed to do with it? Its in the middle of my complex.
Make it a reception hall. Might want to restore it some while you’re at it.
Franklin volunteers the class to do the restoration work, for class credit. Ivan agrees, mostly for the free work.
After he leaves the class presses Dahlia for more information as they go over the blueprints.
There’s not much in our local histories. Dire gossip of hauntings and deaths over the years.
The kids have absolutely no belief in the supernatural, laugh off the tales.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
The access is a dirt lane off the local two lane highway that crosses an old wooden bridge over a wide rocky brook.
The school bus pulls up to find the construction workers have been pulled. The class has the weekend to themselves.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – GROUND FLOOR ROOMS – DAY
Franklin leads a brief tour of the layout, following a blueprint.
Its too quiet. And worse still – the cell phone service is chancy, there’s no electricity or running water. Whispers follow them around the rooms.
Int. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Franklin follows water damage to the second floor, dictating notes of damage to be addressed. Mika and Nat are the only ones to catalog the notes.
Whisperings follow them through the halls.
Feet are tripped by shifting carpets, backs are whacked with falling things. All weirdness shrugged off to old age.
By the way, where are the bathrooms?
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – OUTHOUSE – DAY
Dahlia takes Arianna and Mika to the outhouse, explaining the lack of indoor plumbing or hot water in colonial days.
Johnny Ray chooses to use a tree for relief, disgusting Arianna and earning envy from Mika before both girls return to the house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
The kids find a covered ornate mirror and in a fit of mischief try to invoke Bloody Mary.
Dahlia chases them out to business and is the only one to see the witch Esperanza in the mirror.
Freaked out Dahlia grabs the blanket and covers the mirror.
Franklin enters, exposes the mirror for a look. The witch is gone and Dahlia makes lame excuses for her nerves.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
Ivan joins them to go over their expected repairs. Rusty finds the witchy bundle in the wall. Nobody knows what this is.
Actually Dahlia recognizes but won’t say what it is. She volunteers to return to town for food supplies.
Ivan hangs onto the bundle. When he exits, a wail goes through the house.
EXT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – DAY
Ivan tosses the shoes in a contained fire, enters the trailer. Behind him a ghost light ignites in the cellar, runs through the walls of the house like a spirit awakening.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – DAY
Franklin sets up the boys to deal with missing roof tiles first, checking harnesses and pick points before working around the damage.
Sparks of ghost light flit around the tiles.
Nat almost goes over the side after his pick point fails.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DAY
Dahlia returns with supplies. Her librarian friend follows to give her old diaries about the house and a warning.
We received a sending. It could mean danger for you.
Dahlia looks the books over briefly. Why haven’t I seen these before?
The librarian clutches a string of worry beads, blesses herself. As long as the house stood empty there was no need. If you hear any voices get out.
So, who is Dahlia, really and what connection does she have to the house?
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION- BROOK – DAY
On her way out, the librarian is followed by a ghostly woman chanting in Cuban. She loses control of the car and crashes into a buttress that takes out the bridge on the only road in.
She’s drowned when the car is pulled under.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – DAY
Bryan and Rusty help Dahlia with the groceries, anxious to avoid work. Weirded out by strange noises.
Dahlia distributes the diaries except no one but herself can read cursive. So the kids head back to repairs and she digs through the books.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – DAY
The kids break out into pairs to attack various projects.
Franklin wanders the rooms, marking repairs to be done, trying to find the source of a haunting whisper.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – DAY
Rusty works solo as his partner goes to help Nat. With headphones in place he’s engrossed in his job.
Behind him a nail gun slides across the table, aims at him.
The headphones keep him from being killed immediately, but the nails graze across his face.
Blinded, freaking out, he latches onto that whisper as a guide.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – DAY
Rusty stumbles down the stairs into a dark he can’t see.
The dirt floor gives under his feet and he’s swallowed by quicksand, crying for mercy from his father, reliving childhood traumas as he’s drowned.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR
Work continues, but now the tools seem to be possessed and the whisperings are getting stronger.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Franklin checks out the bridge damage. Bad enough. Worse is the lack of internet connection.
He does a perimeter check on the construction site. The development is wrapped around with 10 foot fences, the gate locked.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – KITCHEN – DAY
Franklin returns with bad news. The bridge is out and weather is moving in. They’re camping for the night unless Ivan returns with keys to the construction gate.
Where’s Rusty?
A search of the house doesn’t find him. The door to the root cellar is camoflagued too well.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – PARLOR – NIGHT
They camp out at the fireplace, using wall wood they replaced for the fire.
Dahlia reads about the house, highlights sparse notes about Esperanza. The kids aren’t buying the haunted rep, laughing off the “typical” horror story themes.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – HALL – NIGHT
Terrorized – pranks are no longer written off and tensions are rising. The girls feel threatened.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOF – NIGHT
Franklin dies in a fall off the roof when his harness undoes itself before his eyes.

As the alpha male, maybe too familiar with Dahlia, the friendship misinterpreted as aggressive, prompting the threat.
The witch has full possession of the house and is learning quickly how to use machines and tools against the intruders.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT
Okay even if the stories have no reality, what’s making all the noises and possessing the tools. They should just drive out. Ivan can unlock the gate.
INT. SCHOOL BUS – NIGHT
Driving through the rain the bus gives them trouble, uncontrollable. Dahlia barely avoids a serious accident.
Ivan dies trying to jumpstart one of his construction vehicles, strangled with the cords.
Freaking out where can they go. Dahlia herds them into the trailer. What do we do? This can’t be real. She informs them of the Santeria background for the house and part of the reason that Esperanza was condemned here.
INT. CONSTRUCTION TRAILER – NIGHT
Maybe we can cut through the fence. All we need is a saw.
As Nat and Johnny Ray search the grounds for tools, one of the machines is possessed, demolishes the shack they’re sheltering in. They’re forced to return to the house.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – DRAWING ROOM – NIGHT
Death returns to take one or more
Jock Bryan picks the wrong time to hit on Arianna which riles Esperanza with righteous fury.
Esperanza provides Arianna an escape route, takes her place to entice Bryan close enough to use an electric saw on him.
**looking for him later on, Mika and Arianna open a door, sending a painted head rolling.
Gross, that’s real creepy, fits in with Santeria lore. Then they find Bryan’s body, headless, and guess where that head came from. They can’t get out fast enough.
Dahlia reads more on the fractured history of Esperanza and her troubles with the church. Johnny Ray gets insulted to learn that Dahlia was raised in Santeria herself.
Stubbornly religious he’s arrogant enough to try to exorcize the spirit, which gives Dahlia the clue she needs to find the right passage in the diaries to threaten Esperanza.
**We need a poetic justice death for him.
INT. SOUTHERN MANSION – ROOT CELLAR – NIGHT
As the remaining adult determined to protect her charges Dahlia decoys the witch by attempting to refocus the binding spell, using baby shoes that belong to Mika from her sister.
Esperanza finally appears, taunts Dahlia as she pieces together enough of the binding spell to cover the remaining kids’ escape.
Dahlia’s bumbling efforts with the spellcraft take a sudden turn to effectiveness when she sheds her own blood on Mika’s baby sister’s booties and succeeds in binding Esperanza once again. But, she’s trapped in the house as well.
EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION – BROOK – DAY
Mika and Nat guide the shock-suffering Arianna out to safety. Arianna’s a basketcase after all this.
They’re almost home free, picking their way across the broken bridge beams when Arianna loses her balance, drowns.
Rescue workers don’t believe the ghost story as the kids try to explain what happened.
A slight earthquake or a brief tornado touchdown is used as an excuse and the development put on hold as historians demand the house be preserved.
Survivors live…but somehow, the monster is still alive for the sequel.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Character Journey Track
What I learned doing this assignment – Even though these kids are the same age group they need to have enough differences for interesting, engaging action. Identifying how they relate to the group and what happens after their deaths adds depth to their plight.

Concept – A pair of teachers and their Gen Z students tackle a historic house restoration. When a witchy bundle is uncovered, the idea of a curse is mocked, but when the bundle is destroyed it releases the imprisoned witch to prey on the group.

Leader – Calvin Franklin, carpentry teacher. 50s, an accomplished builder, compassionate dedicated instructor. It’s his idea to push his students out of their preoccupation with their phones and into focus on life in general.
Role: Leader, carpentry teacher
Traits: Even tempered, deliberate, wary
Fears: very aware of color bias
Wants/Needs : wants to educate his students, needs to get this house rehabbed
Likability / Rooting factors: a cheer leader for these kids
How they react under stress: take charge, slow down to learn more
Relationship with other characters: friendly but not chummy
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: He’s negotiating with Ivan over the parameters for the kids working on the house.
Denial: Flat out denies the existence of ghosts and witchcraft
Their reaction at first horror: this isn’t supernatural. Everyone be more careful
Relation to group after first horror: He worries that he can’t protect them.
How they fight back: Act like they’re fighting a physical foe.
End Point: Disbelief
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Can’t save yourself with willful ignorance

Rescuer – Dahlia Stewart, history teacher, 40s, a true academic devoted to knowledge, a well of trivia and broad minded. She looks into the home’s history after the witchy bundle is found, does her best to protect the students.
What is their Character Profile?
Role: History teacher, mentor
Traits: Idealistic, stubborn, inquisitive
Fears:
Wants/Needs : wants a family, needs to protect these kids
Likability / Rooting factors: doesn’t talk down to the kids, willing to meet them on their own terms, but still promotes common sense strategies
How they react under stress: stifles fear to build a defense, looks for answers to questions she doesn’t know how to ask
Relationship with other characters: aloof but approachable, she’s not their BFF
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Dahlia lays out some historical facts about the family that built the house and the era
Denial: panic won’t help, so face facts and come up with a plan
Their reaction at first horror: This isn’t my fault. What is happening?
Relation to group after first horror: Becomes mother figure
How they fight back: use half-crocked superstition to delay until I can find something that will stick.
End Point: Sacrifices self to save the kids, binds the witch anew
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?
Belief isn’t the cure, love is, giving up the self to save others. Maybe save the self.

The Carrier: Ivan Whitson, 30s, hot-shot developer, annoyed that he has to incorporate the house into his apartment complex. He never paid attention in school unless money was to be made.
What is their Character Profile?
Role: Land developer, businessman with a big problem with the house
Traits: Impatient, unimaginative, cost-cutting
Fears: Losing money, losing prestige
Wants/Needs : He wants these condos up. He needs a reasonable workaround.
Likability / Rooting factors: We kind’a want him to go first he’s such a prick.
How they react under stress: Gets angry, lays blame, refuses to listen to reason
Relationship with other characters: Irritant, fussy complainer
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Ivan’s house problem is about to be solved by Franklin’s school offer, but he still doesn’t like it.
Denial: No such thing as spooks. Destroys the witchy bundle.
Their reaction at first horror: Don’t put this on me. You kids are screwing around.
Relation to group after first horror: Reluctant ally, if he can get his vehicles running or open the back gate for them to escape. Untrustworthy.
How they fight back: He runs and hides.
End Point: Just desserts for being a jerk.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Poetic justice

Introvert/Loner – Mika Thompson, student, 17, an outsider in all school groups, not interested in sex with either sex, determined to be a master carpenter
What is their Character Profile?
Role: Carpentry student, possibly non-binary, maybe just making it up to keep people at a distance
Traits: Reserved, distrusting, cynical, a natural woodworker
Fears: Power tools and blood letting
Wants/Needs : She wants equal footing with the boys. Needs a boon companion/friend.
Likability / Rooting factors: Mika has a sharp tongue, a no BS attitude
How they react under stress: She gets bossy, strives to stay ahead of danger.
Relationship with other characters: Doesn’t go out of her way to be friendly, Be respectful and she’ll respect you back.
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: In shop class she stands up to Nat finding fault with her calculations
Denial: She pretends not to care, keeps hurt feelings down deep
Their reaction at first horror: Are you sure we should stay here? No, really, something isn’t right. We should go before someone else gets hurt.
Relation to group after first horror: Takes a leadership role, keeping people from panicking.
How they fight back: Fight back with whatever’s at hand.
End Point: Held by the witch she doesn’t want to die, stunned by Dahlia’s sacrifice.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Even those that are deliberately different aren’t all that different, people can stand up for those they have issues with.

Out of control/Obnoxious: Ignatzio Romano, 17, new kid in town, Italian with a chip on his shoulder. Attacks first, worries later.
What is their Character Profile?
Role: Nat is the unofficial leader among the male students
Traits: Braggart, self-impressed, defensive
Fears: the new kid in town he’s terrified people will walk over him
Wants/Needs : He wants to go back to NY. He needs to assimilate here
Likability / Rooting factors: He’s gruff and overbearing, using physical threats to get his way. Has no clue how to deal with girls.
How they react under stress: Nat gets defensive, acts out in anger
Relationship with other characters: Assumes leadership to avoid exposing his insecurities.
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Nat challenges Mika and Arianna to assert his leadership, gets smacked down
Denial: He hides behind a brusque mask, afraid to allow anyone close.
Their reaction at first horror: Nearly pisses himself, covers with loud calls for retreat
Relation to group after first horror: He’s caught up in his lies, has to pretend to be confident and protect the group.
How they fight back: Argues every point, good or bad, seeks a consensus of thought before offering a strategy. Will throw anyone under the bus to save himself
End Point: Captured by the witch he’s challenged by Mika to show some courage, humiliated by his cowardice.
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? Escapes with the girls, growing into a new humility and humanity

Sacrificial Lamb: Johnny Ray Cobb, 17, a C student, he’s learning a trade to avoid working the family farm. A follower, hardly a brain but stubbornly religious.
What is their Character Profile?
Role: a born follower, Johnny’s working hard to be something other than a farmer
Traits: a dreamer, ambitious beyond his talents, easy going
Fears: Being stuck on the farm, poverty,
Wants/Needs : He wants a successful career. He needs to treat carpentry with respect for the dangers.
Likability / Rooting factors: Johnny’s a good-time Charlie, just trying to get through life
How they react under stress: Freaks out, crumbles under imagined disasters
Relationship with other characters: He’s the one usually overlooked in a group, but he’s pleasant, liable to help first without looking for payback.
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Johnny witnesses Nat’s argument with Mika, won’t take sides.
Denial: Scoffs at anything not concrete, dismissive.
Their reaction at first horror: physically sick, can’t handle the unknown.
Relation to group after first horror: Stay around me. I can’t be alone.
How they fight back: tries to run, throws anything he can to deter pursuit
End Point: Shock. Why me?
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

Red Herring – Ariana Rogers, 17, her talent for drawing got her into the carpentry class in preparation for an architectural degree. Her passion is to be an influencer in fashion design. Totally, so totally beyond superstition but then her cell phone dies.
What is their Character Profile?
Role: The class artist she defies Nat’s suggestions for design
Traits: Superficial, confident in her talents, dismissive, aloof
Fears: being left behind or losing contact, losing her phone
Wants/Needs : She wants a prestige job and money. She needs to grow up emotionally.
Likability / Rooting factors: Typical Gen Z wannabe, not really malicious just focused
How they react under stress: Falls apart. Can’t cope with critical thinking or strategy
Relationship with other characters: She courts friends as a means to an end, she doesn’t think deep so she really has nothing to offer.
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Arianna stands her ground when Nat questions her drawings
Denial: No, no, this isn’t on the internet so it can’t be real. None of this is real.
Their reaction at first horror: Grossed out, denies the portent of danger
Relation to group after first horror: Doesn’t know how to relate without her phone
How they fight back:
End Point:
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience?

Monster Bait – Rusty Collier, 17, the average kid, a worrier and easily freaked out by critters. The witchy whispers echoes his home life troubles in a rigid Christian home.
What is their Character Profile?
Role: Student, follower
Traits: Nervous, watchful, always on edge
Fears: making mistakes, authority figures, isolation
Wants/Needs : a good job to get away from home, needs release from childhood trauma
Likability / Rooting factors: a quiet kid always overlooked because he won’t draw attention to himself
How they react under stress: cowers, retreats to any corner to make himself invisible
Relationship with other characters: mostly ignored or dismissed as untrustworthy
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: Nat’s shadow, not quite a suck up but definitely a weasel
Denial: ghosts have nothing on dad’s heavy hand you guys are so stupid
Their reaction at first horror: he’s blinded by a near miss with a nail gun, led by whispers away from the group and becomes the first victim.
Relation to group after first horror: where did he go? Should we bother to look?
How they fight back: crying won’t work, pleads for mercy weakly
End Point: his end is fairly quick
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? What have we walked into and why can’t we get out?

Complainer – Bryan Stockholm, 17, the jock with minimal talent. He covers his lack of expertise and brains with complaints about every little thing. It’s always someone else’s fault or equipment failure.
What is their Character Profile?
Role: Student, athlete
Traits: selfish, patronizing, a player, ignorant
Fears: taking tests, failing to make the pros
Wants/Needs : a pro contract and easy money, needs – humility and a reality check
Likability / Rooting factors: bone-headed jock almost learns to be human
How they react under stress: seeks an easy way out, talks smack
Relationship with other characters: testy with the girls, a peacock with the guys
What is their Character Journey for this story?
Character Intro: regales the boys with details of his latest conquest
Denial: won’t admit he’s mediocre
Their reaction at first horror: grossed out, terrified at being a victim
Relation to group after first horror: seen as a poser, lost any respect
How they fight back: intimidates with words and presence, a bully
End Point: makes a move on Arianna that pulls Esperanza’s attention. The witch captures him, emasculates and rapes him with a broom
What insight do their deaths or survival bring to the others/audience? This is a clue to defeating her, understanding her wrath. Dahlia has to find the right pages in the diaries for answers.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Monster Reveal
What I learned doing this assignment is to work through frustration with this piece by piece Lego building method of creation. Layering each section into the previous work, for me, makes a mess of sometimes repetitive notes.

A. Who is your monster and what is their terror?
Esperanza Montenegro, a Cuban midwife, herbalist and Santeria priestess. Her spirit is bound to the house for “depredations” and witchcraft.
Powers – Having been close to nature all her normal life, she can possess and manipulate any plant or inanimate object. She also has a hypnotic voice and lures her victims to their death.

Limitations – She’s spellbound to the house itself by the witchy bundle built by her acolytes under duress.

Weaknesses – Her power extends partially over the grounds around the house, but not past the stream. Extended defiance can break her spell.

Plan/Purpose/Appetite- She will have her revenge on all despoilers of her property, the church elders for being two-faced and men in general.

B. Sequence the reveals.
Opening/prologue: Esperanza orchestrates the ruin of a local rich boy after he rapes her daughter. She’s bound to the house by townsfolk who force her priestesses to trap her. She whispers her defiance and curses the house as she dies.

During 1st Act: Foreshadowing as clues
Developers are plagued with multiple accidents working around the house. A brick or façade work from the roof nearly hits Ivan as he argues with the town mayor.

Once the class gets to work, one boy nearly skids off the roof.
The librarian turning over historical diaries dies taking out the bridge access.

1st Act turning point: Characters are locked into horror

they arrive at the house to find the construction workers have been pulled. They have the weekend to themselves with chancy cell service, no electricity or running water. Whispers follow them around the rooms. Things move of their own accord. Accidents add up.

1st half of 2nd Act: The monster is present, but hidden
Bloody Mary conceit reveals witch to Dahlia but no one else. She digs into diaries to find any information on the past occupants.

Midpoint: Monster is worse than we thought
One boy goes missing when he’s lured to the basement and killed.

2nd half of 2nd Act: Monster pursuing / attacking characters, delivering clues with each attack
Franklin falls off the roof. The witch has full possession of the house and is learning quickly how to use machines and tools against the intruders.

3rd Act: Characters solve the puzzle and fight back, apparently killing monster
Dahlia finds fractured history of Esperanza and her troubles with the church. Johnny Ray tries a half-assed exorcism, gets himself killed.
Dahlia pieces together enough of the spell used to bind her to cover the remaining kids escape.

Resolution: Survivors live…but somehow, the monster is still alive for the sequel.
Dahlia’s bumbling efforts with the spellcraft take a sudden turn to effectiveness when she sheds her own blood on Mika’s baby sister’s booties and succeeds in binding Esperanza once again. But, she’s trapped in the house as well.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Character Death Track

What I learned doing this assignment. I knew how I was going to dispatch Dahlia. That was the first scene I wrote from the original idea. Knocking off everybody else was an exercise in intrigue and variety while keeping within the witch’s abilities. Of course the witch had a real problem with men so they get the gruesome endings.

ASSIGNMENT
1. Give us the order your characters die in. With each character tell us the why and how.
• Character Death 1: Librarian who delivers books to Dahlia
• Why: She’s a threat to Esperanza’s efforts to escape.
• How: Loses control of possessed car, crashes into wooden bridge, taking it down.
•
• Character Death 2: Rusty Collier, the average kid easily spooked
• Why: The whispers awaken traumatic memories
• How: He’s lured to the root cellar where he’s drowned in quicksand.
•
• Character Death 3: Teacher Calvin Franklin
• Why: He’s male, in charge, maybe too familiar with Dahlia, the friendship misinterpreted as aggressive
• How: He falls off the roof when his equipment is possessed and undone
•
• Character Death 4: Developer Ivan Whitson
• Why: An obnoxious power male
• How: trying to jumpstart one of his construction vehicles he’s strangled with the cords
•
• Character Death 5: Johnny Ray Cobb
• Why: Stubbornly religious he’s arrogant enough to try to exorcize the spirit
• How: A nail gun is turned on him
•
• Character Death 6: Bryan Stockholm
• Why: This jock picks the wrong time to hit on Arianna which riles Esperanza with righteous fury.
• How: She provides Arianna an escape route, takes her place to entice Bryan close enough to use an electric saw on him.
•
• Character Death 7: Dahlia Stewart
• Why: The remaining adult determined to protect her charges. She decoys the witch by attempting to refocus the binding spell.
• How: She sacrifices herself for the blood the spell needs.
•
• Character Death 8: Arianna Rogers
• Why: She’s a basketcase after all this, being led out to safety by Mika and Nat.
• How: She loses her balance navigating the broken trusses of the bridge, drowns.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Horror Situation Track
What I learned doing this assignment is taking this one step at a time slows my process to a crawl. I normally work with a broad stroke outline, not this level of detail and its pushing itself into a beat sheet. Cause and effect should be simplier than this.
ACT 1 –
Atmosphere of evil established –
In the past – Esperanza a bundle of starved bones, interred in root cellar. Last out behind the priest, a witch blesses her witchy bundle and hides it in a mouse hole.
HORROR SITUATION: Esperanza locked in the house
REACTION: She places a curse on the family
HORROR SITUATION: Witchy bundle inserted to bind her in
In the present – the house is on the fringe of a development property that can’t be touched – historic designation. Someone hurt on the job. Developer forced to restore not raze.
HORROR SITUATION: Impending doom – machines won’t work near house
REACTION: Try to solve. Fine we’ll restore the damn thing.
HORROR SITUATION: Innocents put in harm’s way

Connect with the characters – vocational HS, carpentry class. 2 girls deal with pranks and taunts, teacher Franklin their champion
HORROR SITUATION: character refuses to take action, not warning a classmate that he’s using a power tool wrong
REACTION: Escape. Teacher catches mistake before serious harm is done.
HORROR SITUATION: tensions created between students
Characters warned not to do it – Teacher Dahlia researching history of the house, dire gossip of hauntings and deaths. In this day and age? Come on. We’re keeping a part of our heritage alive and out of the hands of developers like Ivan.
HORROR SITUATION: Denial of horror. Ghost stories aren’t real.
REACTION: Move ahead with the renovation plans
HORROR SITUATION: forced into dangerous area. The access road is problematic, the house is in a remote area

Denial of horror – Ivan tries to bribe Franklin, then threatens them with ghost stories. Kids have absolutely no belief in the supernatural.
HORROR SITUATION: Threatened. The developer Ivan tries to talk them out of the project.
REACTION: Denial. Gen Z doesn’t believe in ghosts.
HORROR SITUATION: Whispers follow them through the house.

Safety taken away – they arrive at the house to find the construction workers have been pulled. They have the weekend to themselves and chancy cell service, no electricity or running water. Dahlia volunteers to get enough food and water for a long day.
HORROR SITUATION: Trapped. The development is fenced in with iffy cell service
REACTION: Denial. Let’s just work and things will resolve themselves.
HORROR SITUATION: Gen Z learns the hard way that missing modern conveniences are worse than poor internet connections.

Monster: nature of the beast – franklin tours the house to see the damage and decide where to start first. The roof. whisperings in the halls are shrugged off to old age. Up top one of the boys almost goes over the side after a pick point fails.
HORROR SITUATION: Lured into danger. Safety equipment undoes itself.
REACTION: Try to solve. Must have been a weak spot, move the anchor positions.
HORROR SITUATION: The witch can manipulate objects at will.
Face the monster: the kids find an old mirror, try the Bloody mary summoning. Dahlia sees the witch.
HORROR SITUATION: Face to face with the monster
REACTION: Hide. Dahlia covers the mirror, hoping that will be enough of a shield
HORROR SITUATION: Whisperings pick up as the witch incites discord to learn about these intruders

the developer Ivan dismisses the witchy bundle as meaningless, tosses it in a trash fire.
HORROR SITUATION: Warning. This is a spell, something we should know.
REACTION: Denial. He has less interest in ghost stories than the kids.
HORROR SITUATION: With the witchy bundle destroyed the witch is released from her prison

Act 2 point of no return
Isolated/trapped/abducted – Dahlia returns with supplies. A librarian follows to give her old diaries about the house.
HORROR SITUATION: Warning. Dahlia searches the old records for relevant history. Esperanza was some kind of Santeria wise woman.
REACTION: Escape. We should leave well enough alone.
When she leaves – she has some kind of accident that takes out the bridge on the only road in. The rest of the development is fenced off with 10 foot barricades.
HORROR SITUATION: The bridge has been destroyed. Cell service goes out completely. They’re stuck.
One of us is killed – one of the boys is freaked out by the whispers.
HORROR SITUATION: He’s lured into danger, herded to the root cellar where he’s enveloped in quicksand.
REACTION: Denial. No one misses him for a while.
HORROR SITUATION: Try to solve it by explaining it away as an accident. Be more careful.
Midpoint – work continues, but now the tools seem to be possessed and the whisperings are getting stronger.
HORROR SITUATION: Injured or wounded – the witch causes close calls, minor injuries.
REACTION: Denial. You’re not being serious about this job.
HORROR SITUATION: Denial. The Adults actively discount the superstitions.
Full pursuit by the killer -monster is worse than we thought – weather and the lost bridge traps them for a night. They camp out at the fireplace. Dahlia reads about Esperanza.
HORROR SITUATION: Trapped – by the lost bridge, locked development fences and approaching storm.
REACTION: Hide. We’ll camp out in the drawing room for the night. Dahlia works her way through the cursive diaries.
HORROR SITUATION: Denial. The kids aren’t buying it, laughing off the “typical” horror story themes.
Terrorized – pranks are no longer written off and tensions are rising. The girls feel threatened. Franklin dies in a fall off the roof when his harness undoes itself before his eyes.
HORROR SITUATION: forced into a dangerous environment
REACTION: Fight. Franklin goes to the roof to secure loose boards. Dies in a fall.
HORROR SITUATION: Escape. There must be a way out. We can shelter in the machine cabs.

Act 3 full of horror
Fight to the death – dahlia is left to keep the kids safe. But where can they go? The house is working against them. What happens to their vehicles? If they try to drive out how does the witch stop them? Ivan dies here.
HORROR SITUATION: See another killed. Ivan is strangled by power cords
REACTION: Escape. Run. Keep moving. Pray for help.
HORROR SITUATION: Hysteria – can we cut through the fence? Can we hide in the construction shacks? A momentary respite but still vulnerable.
REACTION: Hide, but the safety is only temporary
HORROR SITUATION: thrilling escape from death – a machine is possessed, demolishes the shack they’re sheltering in, forced to return to the house.
REACTION: Denial. Panic. We don’t know what to do.
Death returns to take one or more – who dies now? Dahlia faced with a blood sacrifice to save the remaining kids.
HORROR SITUATION: Face to face with the monster.
REACTION: Fight. Dahlia finally finds a possible strategy to use against the witch but it calls for replacing the baby shoes, which are destroyed.
HORROR SITUATION: The alternative – a blood sacrifice. The witch teases her about her nonbelief. I’ll show you what you can do, but I know you won’t do it.
Resolution – Esperanza is imprisoned once more. The remaining kids try to explain what happened. The runaway machines are blamed and the development put on hold as historians demand the house be preserved.
HORROR SITUATION: Walking into a trap
REACTION: Dahlia keeps the witch busy while the last of the kids make their way to the fallen bridge.
HORROR SITUATION: sacrifice. Dahlia completes the spell with her own blood, forced at the last second to join the witch in her prison.
REACTION: Denial. The town can’t simply raze the house so the development has to move elsewhere. The place is boarded up and cordoned off.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Terrifying Monster
What I learned doing this assignment is give my monster a reason for her anger and make it plausible.

Monster: Esperanza Montenegro
Their terror: Her soul has been condemned to haunt this house. The place has been unoccupied for most of its history. Any tenants quickly left and the historical designation frightened off other would-be owners and developers. She moves objects, uses them as weapons.
Pursuit: Whispers follow people through the halls. She plays pranks to find the weakest link and lures them into her hidden den.
Isolate: The house has secret passages and hide hole that she can lure her victims into. Once she’s sapped their life energy the house vermin take care of the remains.
Terrible thing – Esperanza literally sucks the life out of her victims, regaining a corporeal state piece by piece.
Causes death: Drives her victims insane with the need to die to get away.
Inescapable: She possesses the house, locking doors and windows, shutting off outside communication. The weather adds to her pranks with howling and rattling. She doesn’t sleep so there’s no off switch.

Their mystery: Who was she before she became this vengeful spirit? Is she aligned with demons, and if so, which ones? If a person has no spiritual faith how can they fight her off? What will stop her? The history teacher can only find so much about the house’s history and no mention of Esperanza at all. How do they uncover her history?

Their fear-provoking appearance: When she is seen in a mirror she appears as someone’s ancient grandma, gaunt and weathered, grey hair escaping her simple coiled braids, missing teeth and bent with osteoporosis. Her thin wan face transforms into a demon’s fierce mask in the blink of an eye. As she takes on substance her appearance becomes a mosaic of her victims traits.

Their rules:
She was bound to the house by witchcraft. The witchy bundle being the physical manifestation of the curse on her.
Once freed of the bundle’s spell, she’s still bound to the grounds until she steals enough energy to recreate her body. She’s existed for revenge, but will she focus on the family that betrayed her or move into the wider world? She needs to mine her victims for knowledge.
She can be retied to the house but it will take firm belief in the spell and a blood sacrifice.

Their mythology: Esperanza was a respected wise woman and healer. When the scion of a neighboring plantation raped her daughter she ensured he couldn’t rape again. Unable to directly kill her due to her reputation and superstition, the town starved her to death then bound her spirit to the house.

0

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Horror Conventions
What I learned doing this assignment is every beat serves a purpose and creating palpable tension involves focus and intention. It’s not all blood and guts. The real scare is what you don’t know or can’t see.
The Conjuring – Horror Conventions
Concept: A family is terrorized by a vicious spirit when they move into a new old house.
Terrorize the characters: It starts with the dog refusing to enter the house only to be found dead the next morning. It starts small with a sense of unwelcoming, whispers when nobody’s around, a grey cat that comes and goes like a wraith. Tension rises between the parents.
Isolation: The house is rural. The father is on the road with his freelance trucking to make ends meet. There are no close neighbors and little interaction with the town.
Death: In the opening a baby squalls. We don’t see it but the evidence of murder is there in bloody knitting needles and an attack on the father. Much later toward the crisis point a secondary character dies.
Monster/Villain: In the distant past a witch sacrificed her own child to gain favor with Satan (?) or a demon of his stature. Its her curse on the house that any family living there, the mother is possessed and sacrifices her children. So we’re dealing with an entity that is never seen.
High Tension: Once the mother is put into contact with a husband-wife pair of demonologists the tension rachets up as layer upon layer of past murders is uncovered. The mother becomes possessed and father slowly comes to believe something is definitely wrong here. The entity doesn’t so much gain strength as expand its influence, targeting the demonologists and causing their IT man’s death.
Departure from reality: Night noises, demon eyes in odd places, clairvoyant visions that reveal the past, ghost animals, and the house coming alive to attack.
Moral Statement: Innocence is easy prey for evil to possess or corrupt. Faith in God and courage to stand firm can defeat the monster.
This movie had a remarkable lack of onscreen bloodshed. All the spookiness was made up of rising tension and jump scares. The rebuke of the Catholic Church for refusing to help because the family wasn’t Catholic had a solid modern day sting. And the kids were refreshingly real and not smart asses.
My conventions:
Working Title: Baby shoes/ nowhere close to the theme, just a place holder from the visual that gave me the idea
Concept: A house restoration project disturbs a witchy bundle that is destroyed, releasing the imprisoned witch to prey on the workers.
Terrorize the characters:
Most of the crew are Gen Z carpentry students who don’t believe in witchcraft. When they can’t explain away weird goings on as pranks they start to worry. When cell phone service is disconnected they freak out. One by one the witch lures her victims to her secret rooms to siphon life energy and rebuild her strength.
The house is centered in a new development that is fenced in and the only access is over a local wooden bridge. When that’s destroyed and the development crew leaves the school team is stuck. Their lack of trust in each other leads to greater danger. Whisperings and disturbing accidents push their sanity to the limit.
Isolation: The house is a Civil War era relic and as a designated historic structure they simply can’t raze it. A storm knocks out the power. The worst is when cell phones die and the kids have to talk to each other in more than 140 characters.
Death: The witch takes out her victims one by one, using the carpentry equipment (nail guns, saws, hammers), driving them into hidden rooms with whispers and noises.
Monster/Villain: Esperanza was a wise woman, one of a loose coven of such, and well respected for her healing work with herbs and potions. She was pushed into madness by jealousy, physical attacks on her and her daughter so that she sought the Devil’s power to gain revenge. She was trapped in her house, starved to death, then cursed to remain there forever, bound by the witchy bundle made by her former companions. We only get glimpses of her in a mirror or deep in shadow.
High Tension: Frightful noises, small accidents that escalate into life threatening injuries, unsophisticated know-it-all Gen Z teens dismissive of any suggestion of the supernatural. Teachers desperate to protect their young people while trying for any answer to why this is happening.
Departure from Reality: Witchcraft and possession. How will any of them get out and reinstate the binding spell when no one believes in God or magic?
Moral Statement: Faith can indeed move mountains.

[Patricia Semler]

Patricia Semler
I agree to the terms of this agreement.

[Patricia Semler]

Hello. I finally got access. My security program was being overly protective.

My name Is Pat Semler
I’ve written twenty features and a ridiculous number of television episodes for the 2 original series I love to play in.

I’ve taken the Bingeworthy class with AI and now I want to see how the prompts work with straight up horror. I hope to have fun and get a great new script in a shorter amount of time.

I work at a theme park and for 19 of my 26 years I was a backstage show technician. Part of my duties was setting a performer on fire for the finale.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s 10 Most Interesting Things
What I learned doing this assignment is – what truly makes this series stand out from any other vampire-based series we’ve already seen. More than AI help it goads me to find deeper subtexts to add as I go along.

What is most unique about your villain and hero?
The villain is a popular preacher whose campaign against the vampires as aberrations masks his true intentions of paving the way for his masters to take control of the local government before aiming for the Federal offices.
The protagonist is a veteran cop who battles his own prejudices to solve the vampire murders by working closely within the vampire community.
Major hook of your opening scene?
Our human connection, idealist Roger and conservative dad Eli lay the emotional groundwork just before the first vampire dies of unknown causes.
Any turning points?
Real state mogul Arthur is flummoxed when his campaign for councilman is undermined by questionable bank deposits that implicates him in running drugs.
Emotional dilemma?
Eli give in and can let Roger go ahead with his desire to become a vampire or he can fight like hell to convince his son he has other options.
Major twists –
These vampires came about accidentally from Illuminati experiments in prolonging life spans.
Character betrayals?
Selene learns that her second-in-command has been working for nemesis Arthur. Eli has to content with a captain who’s been bought by the preacher.
Or any big surprises?
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But can 2 apex predators truly trust each other long enough to take out the true enemy? And will the truce hold afterwards?
Eli’s long missing wife turns up.

[Patricia Semler]

Hey there,
Is anyone still exchanging scripts? I have a supernatural thriller.
A Devil’s Bargain – A vampire coven leader must work with a human cop to discover who is supplying the drugs to the addicts they feast on and how its killing her people.
I’ll read most anything except comedy or romance. email at patriciasemler@gmail.com

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Producer/Manager
What I learned today is – this is no time to be modest. Humble, yes, but presenting my experience in a confident manner.
Presenting myself to a producer, I would complement him/her on a project they worked on that would relate to what I have to offer. I would supply my logline, maybe a very short synopsis highlighting elements that fit the company mandates.
I have bona fides to prove my professionalism. A Semi-final finish in the Nicholas Fellowship, a Moondance Win. Two professionally produced short films, one made under strict Canadian Covid restrictions, the second being the winning prize for the Palm Springs Women in Film and Television short script contest.
Both scripts underwent multiple drafts following notes. I’m a team player and I welcome suggestions to enhance the script. Whatever it takes to get the project underway. Tell me your parameters and I’ll fit the story inside them.

Presenting myself to a manager, I would probably lead with my preferred genre specialties, A/A and horror in features and hour long a TV action drama. I would follow that with my produced short films and openness to working in a team.
Should they ask, I have more than one script to market. I’d love to collaborate with a show runner to put my original series on air. I’m also open to writing assignments and submitting scripts for established series. I immodestly brag that I do have an ear for finding the voice and mimicking that style.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Marketable Components
What I learned doing this assignment is to focus on the primary selling points. Find the key to why I wrote this story and share that enthusiasm with the money people.
Title – A Devil’s Bargain
Current logline – A vampire coven leader get help from a human cop to discover who and how someone is murdering her people.

G. Wide audience appeal. Vampire stories are universal, but this isn’t about bloodletting. This coven’s struggle against bigotry as they try to go mainstream is undermined by a covert organization’s quest for dominion.
J. A great role for a bankable actor. – The main characters work for and against each other in a fluctuating eternal game of power, oppression, and greed.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat Finished Wordsmithing
What I learned doing this assignment is a sentence may look pretty, but not deliver the right content or separate character voices.
Edits included –
Images from vampire entertainment venues to convey an equal but separate society, a subtle dig at today’s racial biases.
Awkward on the nose dialogue was deleted or refined with subtext.
When Selene meets with Arthur the original dialogue was very upfront, not her character at all so her actions and dialogue were redrawn to cover her full ambitions.
Rough scene action was fleshed out.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Completed P/S grid #1

What I learned doing this assignment is – I have to start this pilot over. Several pieces/scenes included in my outline belong in future episodes. With so many files from these lessons carrying bits and pieces and the first year arc in my head, I lost track of the specific episode plot points.

I don’t work well with beat sheets and thought I had this down but parsing out the “mystery” and “intrigue over 8 hours did me in. That full year condensed itself into one episode.

On the bright side, I get to correct the situation before it gets out of hand and come up with a more focused pilot. Just when I thought I was almost caught up to the class.

On first inspection of my script I found there isn’t enough tension in the search for a murderer and some odds and ends haven’t been addressed.

Problems found:

The time line has to be finessed.

Is vampire Vivien the first to die or the last? – set as the first known death

What is the real catalyst that pulls Selene from her building plans to deal with the deaths? What supporting character is driving the agitation? – awaiting definition in the new draft

How do we show Arthur’s bias upfront? What if we start with him trying to buy a property that Selene also wants? He could be angry that the price has gone up because of dual interest, then when Selene presents her pay-out he knows who he’s up against and this makes him determined to keep the vamps confined. Goes to motive.

When does Selene realize Arthur isn’t her friend? How does that change her approach in her business proposals? – addressed in episode 2

The Timeline/beats for Selene working with Eli needs to be corrected for police procedure and what she might have instigated on her own. – working through the new draft

Eli and Roger’s paths aren’t crossing often enough to be an issue in this episode, which dilutes their emotional value to the audience. What can Roger do that’s totally childish to interfere with Eli or embarrass him? – new draft focuses on them more

Eli and his captain – their opening salvo is weak. Eli needs to be more passive. If the captain takes his case files before Eli’s finished with the investigation this reinforces Eli’s lack of solid ground and the captain’s efforts to undermine him. He won’t be cocky until the captain interferes with Selene’s case. – rewrite coming in new draft

Why does Eli stay in the job? His career, his family is falling apart, his heart isn’t in it. What drives him? How do we show this change?

Rev Hawthorne – how does he know Arthur is his patsy? I need a reference to plying all the bankers with bribes. How do we hint at his ultimate focus without tipping the hand? -coming in later episodes.

[Patricia Semler]

Hi, I’m Pat Semler ready for feedback.

Genre: Supernatural Thriller

Title : A Devil’s Bargain

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Visually Appealing Bible

What I learned doing this assignment is patience. Parsing out the plot in increments over 5 years and making each year build on the previous one took a lot of time. It’s still raw but the elements are in place. I’m also having trouble getting AI to create images to go with my story. It’s been fighting me from the start since I’m dealing with vampires and a killing spree and tainted drugs. A trifecta of no no’s. It will give me a lovely description but not the actual picture so I must go back and see if I can trick it into giving me what I want.

I’m happy to exchange notes with anyone with an interest in supernatural and/or crime dramas. I can send an FD file or a pdf. Contact info – patriciasemler@gmail.com

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Edited TV Pitch Bible

What I learned doing this assignment is I may not have enough twists and turns in seasons 3 and 4 as it seems I’m repeating information seen in the first year. This is coming together but it’s work. I found in asking AI to generate character and episode descriptions that it went for a pretentious, flowery tone that didn’t match my voice. Some of the words were useful, but altogether it came across as frou-frou.

I’m still working through the summaries to get away from book reporting and hitting the high points. After all this I’m not even sure I’m in love with this story. Could be my bias against serial style shows. It certainly takes a more clever mind than mine to keep track of the impending ins and outs and shadings that leave plot points open for the next layer to be peeled back.

But I am grateful for the exercise. Getting this kind of bible together is worth the price of admission.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Episode Titles

What I learned doing this assignment is work through the uncertainty and tamp down the impulse to perfection. This course is kicking my butt. I had to go back to my notes time and again to keep the first season straight in my head as opposed to a 5 year arc. This is a lot of information to juggle. I only have the first year broken down into episodes.

Series Title – A Devil’s Bargain

Season 1 The Enemy Without

Episode 1 Murder by proxy

Episode 2 Uneasy Allies

Episode 3 Secrets and Lies

Episode 4 Layers of Deceit

Episode 5 Unholy Origins

Episode 6 New Treacheries

Episode 7 On the Edge of Bedlam

Episode 8 Bringing down the Architects of Corruption

Season 2 – The Enemy Within

Season 3 – The Enemy of my Enemy

Season 4 – Enemy of the State

Season 5 – Routing the Enemy

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s TV Pitch Bible Investigation

What I learned doing this assignment is conspiracies make for binge audiences. Exploring underneath the back story I already created looks to give me more plot lines to work with.

Use in TV Pitch Bible.

How deep in his investigation does Eli get before threats are leveled at him and Roger?

Use in Episodes.

How did Selene become a vampire? What happened to her attacker?

How did the Illuminati disguise their experiments into immortality drugs?

What if Hawthorne stumbles on the Korean chemist and against Illuminati directions he starts the extermination campaign for personal reasons which clashes with their next round of political inroads?

The chemist made one biologic weapon, What are his ambitions for more?

Don’t use.

What does Selene find going back in time that wasn’t on her radar before?

The blame game between nations flares up if some of the drugs land in the wrong country.

4. For any parts where there is a substantial improvement, rewrite those parts of the TV Pitch Bible. Tell us what parts you changed and give a quick description of what you did.

I like the added depth to Hawthorne. He wasn’t living up to his potential, but now some of his motives can be so much darker and allows the good guys to break the defenses of the Illuminati to bring them down.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat has completed the BW Framework!

This has been a challenge for me. Once I got the Irony prompt to deliver really cool, usable ideas I started to grasp the idea of Bingeworthy. Let’s see how this all falls together.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Show Relationship Map

What I learned doing this assignment is there’s a lot of resistance to approaching characters in this fashion. I’m not accustomed to going so deep this early in the process. I really don’t think this format is my cup of tea, but its interesting. I did have an Ah-Ha moment from the last lesson. AI was giving me very generic and repetitive answers to the prompts so I’m going to experiment with changing up my logline concept to see if that makes a difference.

Relationship Map for Wednesday

Wednesday/Enid/Tyler/Eugene

Surface – roommates/information source/diversion help

Common ground – alienated from family/loners/follow their own agenda

Conflict – Enid’s a girly girl, Wednesday saturnine/Wednesday has little regard for Tyler’s feelings, he hates being in the dark/Eugene won’t be left behind, takes risks he’s not qualified for

History – Wednesday rejected Enid’s initial overtures, is drawn into actions by Enid’s insistence/Wednesday used Tyler as an informant, slowly acclimating to being friends/Eugene was a convenient dodge, became an inventive ally

Subtext – BFFs? Perish the thought, but Enid keeps pushing/Wednesday denies a subliminal attraction/Feels responsible towards him as an unsophisticated patsy

Relationship arc – From ignoring Enid’s bubbly nature to tolerating her/from useful insider to a possible friendship/ She underestimated his newfound confidence, now seeks to protect him.

A Devil’s Bargain Relationship Map

Selene/Eli/ Arthur/Marshall

Surface – Investigator ally/Business adversary/Rivals for control of the city

Common Ground – Burned by corrupt politics, protective of family/real estate expansion and exclusivity/religion

Conflict – Eli won’t break laws without good reason. Selene impatient for answers/Arthur wants to restrict vampires with redlining districts, undermines Selene’s effort to expand/Heads the campaign to get rid of vampires

History – Wary of each other, trust comes slowly. Selene helps with Roger/Arthur secretly undermined vampire civil rights/Someone in Marshall’s family became a vampire, was destroyed and now he’s out to destroy them in turn

Subtext – Both outcasts by their strong values/Selene enjoys the gamesmanship/She had a direct hand in Marshall’s ancestor’s problems

Relationship arc – from wary loners to a team ready to take down the drug runners, whatever it takes/competitors to business partners/no love lost on either side, it’s a fight to the death

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Character Emotions

What I learned doing this assignment is two sides of the coin provides an opportunity to force the characters to show the side they prefer to remain hidden. AI’s version had some good points, but most of it was generic and didn’t provide enough conflict. Interesting.

Part 1

Wednesday

Emotional profiles:

Wednesday Addams

A. Situational: Hope / Fear She hopes to escape this school. She claims she fears nothing, but she fears ignorance.

B. Motivation: Want / Need She wants to solve the mystery of the monster. She needs to be better than Morticia at something.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask Base negative – Wednesday is pragmatic and dour. Public mask – indifference and superiority

D. Weaknesses – She’s headstrong, refusing to accept allies and/or help.

E. Triggers – Injustice, tribalism in any form

F. Coping Mechanism – writing her novel

Sheriff Galpin

A. Situational: Hope / Fear – He hopes the school will move somewhere else. He fears news of the monster destroying the town with bad press.

B. Motivation: Want / Need – He wants a trouble-free town. He needs to connect with his son.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask – Base negative – skepticism. Public mask – objective investigation.

D. Weaknesses – He’s conditioned to be biased, has trouble seeing the other side.

E. Triggers – The Addams name, the creep factor of the school

F. Coping Mechanism – Focuses harder on his job, making cases.

Principal Weems

A. Situational: Hope / Fear – She hopes everyone will behave. She fears the school being closed.

B. Motivation: Want / Need – She wants recognition for her accomplishments. She needs a partner.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask – Base negative – Pre-conceived ideas. Public mask – A calm smile; everything’s just fine.

D. Weaknesses –

E. Triggers – Being challenged.

F. Coping Mechanism – Ignore the problem and it will go away. After all, tomorrow’s another day.

Part 2

1. For each of your main characters, brainstorm an Emotional Profile, filling in the following:
Selene Delecorte

A. Situational: Hope / Fear Her hope is to move vampires into the mainstream. Her fear is a purge.

B. Motivation: Want / Need – She wants to be a voice in government. She needs a companion and/or family

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask – Base negative – Lacks self confidence in her intellect. Public mask – cold blooded calculation

D. Weaknesses – She doesn’t trust, has no faith in altruism

E. Triggers – Rape and/or assault on the helpless, Being talked down to.

F. Coping Mechanism – She writes operas where the women win and the men suffer all the usual predations.

Eli Briggs

A. Situational: Hope / Fear He hopes he can make it to pension age intact. He fears someone will find a new way to screw him over.

B. Motivation: Want / Need – He wants to reconcile with Roger. He needs to be honest about his parenting style and his own parents’ deficiencies.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask Base negative – cynical Public mask – Professional objectivity, nothing gets to him.

D. Weaknesses – One night stands with call girls

E. Triggers – Bullying, being lied to

F. Coping Mechanism – Smokes pot, on the verge of moving to heavier drugs.

Arthur Wexler

A. Situational: Hope / Fear – Hopes to make a real estate killing against the vampires. Fear – Going broke

B. Motivation: Want / Need – He wants public adulation as a high powered broker. Needs – A calming partner to balance out his excesses.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask Base negative – Impatience, bully Public Mask – Total confidence

D. Weaknesses – A guilty conscience over some past misdeeds

E. Triggers – Don’t contradict him, gossip and secrets

F. Coping Mechanism – He goes on the attack with an army of lawyers.

Reverend Marshall

A. Situational: Hope / Fear – He hopes to become a bishop with greater political reach. He fears discovery of his personal vices.

B. Motivation: Want / Need – He wants power. He needs love.

C. Mask: Base Negative Emotion / Public Mask Base negative – envy. Public mask – a contrite big hearted savior

D. Weaknesses – S&M sexcapades, pride

E. Triggers – doesn’t like his motives or past questioned, confrontation

F. Coping Mechanism – He ignores everything that doesn’t serve his agenda. When backed into a corner he’ll deny, deny, deny.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Engaging Main Characters

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m rather bored of the concept of watching hours of slow clues, sly deceptions and red herrings to get to the heart of the story. I’m just not made for soap operas. However, delving into characters has its merits. I can find depths and weird stuff that I’d never think of.

A Devil’s Bargain

Journey – Just as a new minority, vampires, are making moves into mainstream society, they’re being poisoned by drinking blood from their allowed hosts – drug addicts and homeless. Can the vampire leader find who’s behind the scourge before her clan is decimated or a war breaks out?

Main Characters/My version

Selene Delecorte -Ancient vampire coven leader, calculating, brusque, she holds herself above petty entanglements.

Role – Vampire leader

Unique Purpose/Expertise – Over her 500 years she’s seen it all – warfare, intrigue, betrayals. A peasant girl in rural France when she was made, she’s learned how to survive and get revenge.

Intrigue beneath the surface – She regrets begging the vampire that stalked her for his kind of life instead of death. The novelty of the undead wore off quickly during the myriad wars on the Continent.

Moral issue – When she found out her parents sold her to save themselves from the vampire, she hounded them to their deaths. She got amusement out of pitting factions against one another, but after 500 years she wants something different. Except now that her people are being persecuted she has to call up all that emotion to face the battle.

Unpredictable – She likes Eli’s son, Roger. His grievances and situation remind her of her own youth. She keeps him close in an effort to dissuade him from joining the coven.

Empathetic – A survivor, Selene’s lived through terrors and heartbreaks. The need to work with Eli humanizes her in a way she finds uncomfortable.

Intrigue:

Role – Vampire clan leader, businesswoman

Hidden Agendas – Selene is looking to break through the barriers for her people to get mainstream jobs

Competition – Not all of her people have the patience to play the long game. A faction is brewing to take more decisive action.

Conspiracies – Selene uses Marcus to spy on Arthur, looking for possible blackmail or inroads

Secrets – She knows exactly which cop is dirty, how dirty and plays them against each other to distract from Eli’s investigation.

Deception – She’s a master chameleon or chess player.

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Lead characters:

Eli Briggs

Elijah “Eli” Briggs – An honest cop mired in a corrupt precinct, on the brink of not caring for anything, lost and isolated.

Role – Police detective hired by the vampires to investigate deaths

Unique Purpose/Expertise – Knows the law and the city, where to cut corners, who to steer clear of, how to get information from reluctant sources

Intrigue beneath the surface – He’s down on life, on the brink of losing himself in alcohol or eating a bullet.

Moral issue – Eli has always played by the rules, held others to those same rules. But with the corruption in his own department he’ll damn well break those rules to expose the perpetrators. He’s considering locking up his own son to keep him from turning vampire.

Unpredictable – Eli doesn’t trust the vampires. They creep him out, but he saves a female vampire from the bishop’s henchmen even though she’s the one seducing his son.

Empathetic – An honest/honorable man threatened at every turn because he’s showing up the cowards taking easy money to do nothing. He loves his boy, just can’t seem to show it in a way that changes their relationship for the better.

Intrigue:

Role – Detective looking into vampire deaths

Hidden Agendas – Eli wants to know everything about vampire life so he can dissuade his son from turning and to protect the mainstream.

Competition – Dirty cops try to derail. The priest sends him on wild goose chases. Selene plays her cards to close to the chest.

Conspiracies – Once they break the priest’s connection Selene and Eli have to watch who they trust with new information.

Secrets – Eli has to keep all discoveries to himself

Deception

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Arthur Wexler – Ego driven business mogul benefitting from the drug war, but is he involved or a patsy?

Role – Real estate tycoon with ties to the vampire containment issue

Unique purpose/Expertise – Arthur wields considerable influence in city politics. He’s in it for the money, so he’s interested in the expansion of vampire run businesses into mainstream.

Intrigue under the surface – He may or may not be sponsoring the drug runners. Is he turning a blind eye or is he that naïve?

Moral issue – what boundaries will he cross – If its green he’s in. Cross purposes don’t bother him as long as his bottom line is profit.

Unpredictable – what will he do next – Druggies dying by overdose is one thing. Murder is another. He throws in with Briggs to derail the incursion of spiked drugs.

Empathetic –

Intrigue:

Role – Real estate mogul

Hidden Agendas – keeping the vampires from gaining more rights and business openings.

Competition

Conspiracies

Secrets he is running a secret empire but is it connected to the drug runners

Deception He works with Eli only so far, pretending ignorance.

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Roger Briggs – Elijah’s estranged son, a bitter rebel vying to become a vampire to spite Dad.

Role – Disenchanted rebellious young man, blames his failures on Dad’s job

Unique purpose/Expertise – A musician, he bounces around the clubs doing fill-ins. He’s well acquainted with the vampire-run dives and parlors.

Intrigue under the surface – Roger desperately wants Eli’s attention, acting out negatively in an immature way.

Moral issue – what boundaries will he cross – Roger likes the vampire lifestyle, their boundless energy and callous attitude. He’s tried all different ways to get someone to make him.

Unpredictable – what will he do next – Puzzled by Eli’s unconditional alliance with Selene Roger goes snooping on his own.

Empathetic – The kid has Daddy issues, is being stubborn about addressing them in an adult manner.

Intrigue:

Role

Hidden Agendas

Competition

Conspiracies

Secrets

Deception

<br clear=”all”>

Reverend Marshall Hawthorne – A two-faced zealot out to destroy the vampires who acts in the name of the Lord but without compassion or morality.

Role – Influential church leader, organizer against vampire rights

Unique purpose/Expertise – He pushes a narrow moral compass to ban any trace of the vampires.

Intrigue under the surface – He’s the money behind the brains that discovered the vampire killer virus that they’ve infused into the drugs the addicts are buying cheap.

Moral issue – what boundaries will he cross – He will do anything, cross any line if it means protecting his flock from the vampires. He lies as easily as he spouts Bible verses.

Unpredictable – what will he do next – Marshall ingratiates himself with the city council to counter Arthur’s influence. He either plants contraband or makes it look like Arthur’s s the one behind the killer drugs.

Empathetic – He claims a God-given right as shepherd. Too bad his vision is so Puritan and callous.

Intrigue:

Role

Hidden Agendas

Competition

Conspiracies

Secrets

Deception

<br clear=”all”>

AI Prompt

For each of the main characters for this supernatural thriller about a vampire minority being killed through feeding on poisoned drug addicts whose leader gets a human cop to find answers for them, please brainstorm the character basics of that character that fits this TV series well. Leads include Selene Delacorte, vampire leader and Detective Eli Briggs.

Character Basics –

Role in the show

Unique Purpose/Expertise

Intrigue: What is secret beneath the surface?

Moral issue: What moral boundaries are they crossing?

Unpredictable: What will they do next?

Empathetic: Why do we care?

Title: “Crimson Veil: Bloodhunt Chronicles”

1. Selene
   Delacorte

<ul type=”disc”>
1. Role in the show:
   Selene is the enigmatic and charismatic leader of the vampire minority, a
   powerful and ancient vampire who is determined to uncover the truth
   behind the murders targeting her kind. She’s the driving force behind the
   vampires’ quest for answers.
2. Unique
   Purpose/Expertise: Selene possesses centuries of knowledge and
   supernatural abilities, making her a formidable leader and strategist in
   the vampire world. Her expertise lies in deciphering cryptic clues and
   navigating the intricate web of vampire politics.
3. Intrigue:
   Beneath her commanding exterior, Selene hides a dark secret – her past
   connection to the cop, Detective Eli Briggs, a secret that could
   jeopardize their mission and her leadership.
4. Moral Issue:
   Selene is willing to push the boundaries of vampire ethics to protect her
   kind, even if it means resorting to darker methods. She must grapple with
   the moral dilemma of sacrificing human lives for the survival of her own
   species.
5. Unpredictable:
   Selene’s long life has made her unpredictable. She’s fiercely protective
   of her people, but her methods can sometimes be ruthless, leaving the
   audience questioning her choices and what she’s willing to do next.
6. Empathetic: We
   care about Selene because, despite her flaws, she’s a leader who has
   witnessed centuries of change and loss, and her deep-rooted desire to
   protect her fellow vampires makes her a relatable and compelling
   character.

2. Detective Eli
   Briggs

<ul type=”disc”>
2. Role in the
   show: Eli Briggs is the human cop who is reluctantly drawn into the
   vampire world when Selene approaches him for help. He becomes the bridge
   between the human and vampire communities, tasked with uncovering the
   truth behind the murders.
3. Unique
   Purpose/Expertise: As a seasoned detective, Eli is well-versed in
   criminal investigations, making him invaluable in solving the murders.
   His unique expertise lies in his understanding of human nature, which is
   essential when dealing with both humans and vampires.
4. Intrigue:
   What’s beneath the surface is Eli’s complex history with Selene. They
   share a hidden connection that neither fully understands, and as they dig
   deeper into the mystery, their past becomes a central enigma.
5. Moral Issue:
   Eli faces a significant moral boundary as he is forced to balance his
   duty as a cop to protect humans with his newfound loyalty to the vampire
   community. He grapples with questions of justice and whether it can
   extend to both worlds.
6. Unpredictable:
   Eli’s journey is filled with twists and turns as he adapts to the
   ever-changing dynamics between humans and vampires. His choices and
   alliances become increasingly unpredictable as he navigates the murky
   waters of supernatural intrigue.
7. Empathetic:
   Eli’s humanity and internal struggle between his duty and his feelings
   for Selene make him a character the audience can relate to. He represents
   the viewers’ perspective, torn between the two worlds, and his evolving
   character arc is a central element of the show’s emotional depth.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Intriguing Character layers

What I learned doing this assignment is that I’m rather bored of the concept of watching hours of slow clues, sly deceptions and red herrings to get to the heart of the story. I’m just not made for soap operas. However, delving into characters has its merits. I can find depths and weird stuff that I’d never think of by using a standard character development sheet.

A Devil’s Bargain

Journey – Just as a new minority, vampires, are making moves into mainstream society, they’re being poisoned by drinking blood from their allowed hosts – drug addicts and homeless. Can the vampire leader find who’s behind the scourge before her clan is decimated or a war breaks out?

Main Characters/My version

Selene Delecorte -Ancient vampire coven leader, calculating, brusque, she holds herself above petty entanglements.

Role – Vampire clan leader, businesswoman

Hidden Agendas – Selene is looking to break through the barriers for her people to get mainstream jobs

Competition – Not all of her people have the patience to play the long game. A faction is brewing to take more decisive action.

Conspiracies – Selene uses Marcus to spy on Arthur, looking for possible blackmail or inroads

Secrets – She knows exactly which cop is dirty, how dirty and plays them against each other to distract from Eli’s investigation.

Deception – She’s a master chameleon or chess player.

Wound – She was raped by soldiers before a vampire turned her.

Secret identity –

Eli Briggs

Elijah “Eli” Briggs – An honest cop mired in a corrupt precinct, on the brink of not caring for anything, lost and isolated.

Role – Detective looking into vampire deaths

Hidden Agendas – Eli wants to know everything about vampire life so he can dissuade his son from turning, to protect the mainstream and satisfy his own curiosity.

Competition – Dirty cops try to derail his case. The priest sends him on wild goose chases. Selene plays her cards to close to the chest.

Conspiracies – Once they break the priest’s connection Selene and Eli have to watch who they trust with new information.

Secrets – Eli is facing threats from multiple fronts, doesn’t know who he can trust, plies each suspect with half truths to garner more information.

Deception – With his captain Eli plays the washed-up fool

Wound – He let his dedication to the job screw up his family life.

Secret identity – Captain America standing up for justice and rule of law

Arthur Wexler – Ego driven business mogul benefitting from the drug war, but is he involved or a patsy?

Role – Arrogant and ambitious businessman with considerable influence in city politics

Hidden Agendas – keeping the vampires from gaining more rights and business openings.

Competition – Arthur has to balance his objectives against hostile moves from other developers.

Conspiracies –

Secrets – He is running a secret empire but is it connected to the drug runners

Deception –

Wound –

Secret identity –

Roger Briggs – Elijah’s estranged son, a bitter rebel vying to become a vampire to spite Dad.

Role – Disenchanted rebellious young man, blames his failures on Dad’s job

Hidden Agendas – As an independent photographer and activist Roger pokes into every corner to expose corruption.

Competition – He’s out to show Dad Eli that he’s just as smart.

Conspiracies –

Secrets – Eli boasts that he wants to become a vampire but that’s more a ruse to get Eli’s attention than actual desire. He’s witnessed the dark side of the lifestyle.

Deception – He acts the pothead to disarm his subjects.

Wound – He blames himself for his mother’s death because he was out partying.

Secret identity –

AI Prompt

For each of the main characters for this supernatural thriller about a vampire minority being killed through feeding on poisoned drug addicts whose leader gets a human cop to find answers for them, please brainstorm the intriguing layers of that character that fits this TV series well. Leads include Selene Delacorte, vampire leader and Detective Eli Briggs.

Intriguing layers

Role in the show

Hidden agendas

Competition

Conspiracies

Secrets

Deception Wound

Secret Identity

AI Version

Certainly, here are some intriguing layers for each of the main characters in your supernatural thriller TV series “A Devil’s Bargain”:

1. Selene Delecorte:

<ul type=”disc”>
1. Role in the Show: Ancient
   vampire coven leader, she embodies the elegance and power of her kind,
   overseeing her clan’s survival.
2. Hidden Agendas: She has a
   personal vendetta against an unknown enemy, seeking revenge for an old
   betrayal.
3. Competition: There’s a power
   struggle within her clan, with a younger vampire vying for her position,
   leading to internal conflicts.
4. Conspiracies: Selene believes
   there’s a conspiracy within the vampire community itself, possibly
   involving a secret faction or traitors.
5. Secrets: She has a dark past and
   a forbidden love affair with a human from centuries ago, which she keeps
   hidden.
6. Deception Wound: She has been
   betrayed by a trusted member of her clan before, which makes her wary of
   trusting anyone completely.
7. Secret Identity: Selene is known
   for her vampire identity, but she maintains a false human identity in the
   human world to gather information and resources.

2. Elijah “Eli” Briggs:

<ul type=”disc”>
2. Role in the Show: A morally
   conflicted cop, Eli is the key link between the human and vampire worlds,
   working to uncover the mystery behind the poisoned blood supply.
3. Hidden Agendas: Eli’s ultimate
   goal is to expose the corruption within his precinct and redeem himself,
   despite being on the brink of losing his faith in justice.
4. Competition: He faces resistance
   and threats from corrupt fellow officers who want to maintain the status
   quo.
5. Conspiracies: Eli suspects that
   the corruption in his precinct may be linked to the vampire poisonings,
   adding layers of complexity to his investigation.
6. Secrets: He carries a personal
   secret that could destroy his career if it were to be revealed, making
   him vulnerable.
7. Deception Wound: He’s been
   deceived and betrayed by his superiors, which fuels his determination to
   uncover the truth.
8. Secret Identity: Eli leads a
   double life, working undercover in the precinct while secretly aiding the
   vampires, which becomes a significant risk as the series progresses.

3. Arthur Wexler:

<ul type=”disc”>
3. Role in the Show: A wealthy
   business mogul, Wexler profits from the drug war and the
   vampire-poisoning crisis.
4. Hidden Agendas: He has a deeper
   connection to the vampire underworld than initially apparent, possibly
   using their plight for his own gain.
5. Competition: Other powerful
   figures in the human and vampire worlds compete with Wexler for control
   over the situation.
6. Conspiracies: Wexler is involved
   in various underworld dealings, which could be linked to the poisoning
   crisis or the power struggles in the vampire community.
7. Secrets: He has a hidden
   criminal past and connections to shadowy organizations, and his true
   motives remain shrouded in mystery.
8. Deception Wound: Wexler has been
   manipulating people and situations for personal gain, causing harm to
   those around him.
9. Secret Identity: He maintains a
   philanthropic public image, but behind closed doors, he’s a cunning and
   ruthless manipulator.

4. Roger Briggs:

<ul type=”disc”>
4. Role in the Show: Eli’s
   estranged son, Roger is a rebellious and bitter young man who seeks to
   become a vampire to spite his father.
5. Hidden Agendas: Roger’s desire
   to become a vampire is driven by more than just rebellion; he has a
   personal vendetta against his father and seeks power.
6. Competition: He competes with
   other candidates to join the vampire clan, leading to conflicts and tests
   of his loyalty.
7. Conspiracies: Roger’s entry into
   the vampire world uncovers hidden truths and conspiracies, causing
   turmoil within the vampire community.
8. Secrets: He has a traumatic past
   related to his family that he keeps hidden from others.
9. Deception Wound: His fractured
   relationship with his father fuels his bitterness, and he’s willing to
   use deception to achieve his goals.
10. Secret Identity: Roger conceals
    his true motives from both the human and vampire worlds, presenting a
    facade of rebellion while harboring darker intentions.

[Patricia Semler]

Wednesday

Engaging Profile for Principal Weems

Role – Nevermore director, chief nemesis of Wednesday

Unique Purpose –The school’s authority figure. She runs a tight ship, determined to bring Wednesday to heel.

Intrigue – There’s tension that goes back to her relationship with Morticia. She’s possibly willfully blind in dealing with Jericho, desperate to keep the peace to save the school.

Moral Issue – Her smile hides many secrets. How far will she go to keep silent? Wednesday’s actions are pushing her to choices she doesn’t want to make.

Unpredictable – ??

Empathetic – She’s walking a fine line keeping the peace between “normies” and the outcasts of her school.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Three Circles of characters

What I learned from doing this assignment is the more the merrier. Instead of popping in a needed character out of thin air while writing, having a roster of people already sketched out makes the world much more intriguing and fleshes out the plotting twists before the writing starts. This also ensures the antagonist and protagonist are evenly matched. The AI version pretty much nailed Selene but missed the mark on the other main characters. I may work with Isabella and Spike, or take some aspects only. The environment characters are interesting but limits the world too much. They’ll need to be expanded.

Main Characters/My version

Selene Delecorte -Ancient vampire coven leader, calculating, brusque, she holds herself above petty entanglements.
Elijah “Eli” Briggs – An honest cop mired in a corrupt precinct, on the brink of not caring for anything, lost and isolated.
Arthur Wexler – Ego driven business mogul benefitting from the drug war, but is he involved or a patsy?

Roger Briggs – Elijah’s estranged son, a bitter rebel vying to become a vampire to spite Dad.

Reverend Marshall Hawthorne – A two-faced zealot out to destroy the vampires who acts in the name of the Lord but without compassion or morality.

Connected Circle:

Marcus Bouvier; Selene’s second in command.

Captain Mason – Briggs’ boss

Angela Thompson – Pathologist

Arthur’s CFO and his secretary

Vivien – a transgender radical vampire

Environment Circle:

Vampire coven, the homeless and drug addicts, cops, drug chemists, church elders/parishioners, Arthur’s employees, disenchanted youth, regular citizens

AI Version

Please create three groups of characters for my TV series that is a supernatural thriller about a world where vampires are a tolerated minority, but someone is poisoning the drug addicts they’re allowed to feed on and they’re dying in a hideous way. The coven leader Selene asks the one honest cop to help her find the people behind the threat. This is set in a dystopian noir world and are unique to this story.

A. main characters: 3 – 5 characters that the journey is about. Tell us the following:

Unique Role

Secret or intrigue

B. Connected characters: These are people that the main characters interact with during the season. They play a part in the journey in some way and sometimes affect the main character’s actions.

C. Environment Characters: These are background characters that are necessary to fulfill the “standard roles” for this story, but usually don’t do anything significant. List them by their jobs only.

A. Main Characters:

Selene (Unique Role: Coven
Leader)

Selene is the enigmatic and
powerful leader of the vampire coven in this dystopian world. She’s a centuries-old
vampire who has adapted to modern times and strives to maintain peace and
cooperation between her kind and humans. Her secret is that she carries
the knowledge of a forgotten prophecy that could change the fate of
vampires and humans alike.

Detective Adrian Kane (Unique
Role: Honest Cop)

Adrian Kane is a dedicated,
honest detective who is well-respected in the human police force. He’s
known for his incorruptible nature and strong sense of justice. His
intrigue is that he’s haunted by a personal tragedy tied to the vampires,
leading him to have a deep-seated prejudice against them. Selene’s
request for his help forces him to confront his biases.

Leo (Unique Role: Mysterious
Informant)

Leo is a mysterious character
with a shadowy past and a network of connections in the supernatural and
criminal underworld. He acts as an informant and guide for Selene and
Detective Kane, providing them with vital information on the poisoning
threat. His secret is that he’s a hybrid, both vampire and human, making him
a valuable but vulnerable asset.

Dr. Isabella Montague (Unique
Role: Vampire Researcher)

Dr. Montague is a brilliant
vampire researcher who is conducting experiments to find a cure for the
vampire addiction that plagues the world. Her intrigue is that she has a
hidden agenda to use her research to gain power within the vampire coven
and challenge Selene’s leadership.

Samuel “Spike” Granger
(Unique Role: Reformed Addict)

Spike is a reformed drug addict
who survived a vampire feeding but lost his lover to the poison. He
becomes a key ally to Selene and Detective Kane as he seeks revenge and
redemption. His secret is that he has an extraordinary immunity to
vampire venom, making him an essential figure in the investigation.

B. Connected Characters:

Vesper (Connected Role: Vampire
Blood Dealer)
Marla (Connected Role: Human
Rights Activist)
Hector “Rat” Rodriguez
(Connected Role: Streetwise Informant)
Cassandra (Connected Role:
Selene’s Loyal Advisor)
Vincent “Vinnie”
Morelli (Connected Role: Corrupt Police Officer)

C. Environment Characters (Jobs Only):

Bartender at the Crimson Veil
Club
Vampire Feeding Clinic Nurse
Underground Blood Dealer
Street Performer (Vampire Singer)
Mortuary Assistant at the Blood
Poison Victims’ Morgue

[Patricia Semler]

Wednesday binge worthy cast:

Main characters Circle: Wednesday Addams, Enid Sinclair, Tyler Galpin. Principal Weems

Connected Circle: Sheriff Galpin, Rowan, Bianca, Dr. Valerie, Xavier, Thing

Environment Circle: Nevermore Student groups (Vamps, Furries, Sirens, others), Morticia & Gomez, Teachers, The Monster, Townsfolk

[Patricia Semler]

What I learned doing this assignment is lots of little things are laced into the story like stepping stones across a pond. Each set up may pay off shortly or before the episode ends or will come back to haunt later on. Characters with their own agendas clash in interesting ways. The best laid plans are interrupted by new information or threats and how will that change the hero’s strategy.

Wednesday 5 star model

1. Big Picture Hooks –

Familiar characters with a focus on Wednesday Addams and her sociopathic disregard for “normal” conventions

A school for outcasts (read supernatural teens) too close to a small town with a Puritanical intolerance for “other”

A monster terrorizing the local woods, connected to the school?

Wednesday is polarizing for her attitude and for a resemblance to a drawing of serious trouble

2. Amazing and Intriguing Characters

Wednesday Addams – Self-confident, calculating, sullen, fatalistic

Enid – Her assigned roommate, peppy, chatty, forlorn werewolf who can’t change

Tyler Galpin – A “normal” disenchanted young man who befriends Wednesday.

Principal Weems – unnaturally calm and pleasant, an old rival of Morticia’s. What is she hiding?

Sheriff Galpin – Dour, angry, proud of his service, carrying a grudge against Gomez

3. Empathy/Distress –

Wednesday feels let down by life itself, refusing to engage on civil levels, feeding her depression into fiction, slowly opening up to Enid. Her early crisis of faith – losing her pet scorpion to vicious boys and vowing never to be hurt again explains a lot of her anger.

Enid – Under all her vapid behavior she’s aching because she can’t be a full member of her pack if she can’t shift forms.

Tyler – He hates his life, but fears to throw in completely with Wednesday.

4. Layers/Open Loops –

What is stalking Wednesday, and why?

What did Gomez do in his youth? Why is the sheriff so intent on holding him to account?

What’s the relationship between Morticia and the head mistress?

Why did the monster kill Rowan before he could kill Wednesday?

Will Wednesday learn to open up and trust people?

Inviting Obsession –

What secret is the school hiding?

Who will help or hinder Wednesday?

Who can help her understand and control her psychic hits?

Never one to back down from a challenge Wednesday decides to stay and get to the bottom of the mysteries because she refuses to acknowledge failure.

[Patricia Semler]

I, Patricia Semler, agree to the terms of this release form.

GROUP RELEASE FORM

As a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Patricia Semler]

Hi all. My name is Pat Semler

I’ve written a ridiculous number of scripts, closing in on 20 features and multiple episodes for my television dramas. I’m concentrating on 4 features to promote at the moment. A short script was filmed last year and premiered at the Hamilton Film Festival and CenFlo Film Festival earlier this year. Presently I’m working with the Palm Springs Women in Film & Television on developing my winning short script into full production.

I’m very excited to learn more about this AI business. I hear such vitriol, fear and condemnation of using this program that I believe knowing its abilities and shortcomings, and there are shortcomings, can only be beneficial to my screenwriting.

I’m closing in on 25 years at an Orlando theme park where I graduated from costume dresser to Pyro technician for the premier stunt show for 19 of those years. Setting out the fireworks was cool enough. Lighting a performer on fire for the finale was epic, and very seriously taken by all involved to keep our people safe. Happy to report we never had a major injury from a fire burn.

I attended ProSeries 44 and several classes over the years, culminating in the AI classes that absolutely blew me away. I’m looking forward to expanding a couple of feature ideas into binge worthy mini-series.

[Patricia Semler]

That works for me. patriciasemler@gmail.com I have a pdf ready to go. I work on Final Draft so either works for me. I do admit I’m not done with the last scene. Any comments specific to that one is greatly appreciated.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S AMAZING OPENING SCENE

What I learned doing this assignment is to be open to other possibilities, like trying on new clothes. Some work, some don’t. The resistance to making big changes is crazy, but allowing alternate scenarios in is liberating.

Alternate openings:

Instant conflict –

Contrast – What Monica is selling is security. What Dennis is providing is overreach. How much freedom are we giving up in the name of security?

Shocking- One of Dennis’ scenes is his vindictive sense of correction of bad behavior. Putting this up front shows his dangerous mindset.

Setup/twist –

Unusual VO – I could incorporate Monica’s selling points as an overlay to Dennis’ rigid interpretation of his duty.

Unique character- Monica’s a spin doctor. Her sanity hinges on venting frustration into visuals instead of confrontations.

Action –

Plunge into world –

Non-linear intro –

Trick – My “before” falls into this category. From the start I wanted to highlight Monica’s mindset over Mom’s nonsense.

I think I’ll give Shocking a try out.

BEFORE:

FADE IN:

EXT. MANSION – NIGHT

Wrought iron and brick fencing guards an expanse of lawn and moss-hung trees. A long pebble driveway leads to –

The imposing three stories of a gabled Victorian.

A FIGURE moves in the shadows, circling to the rear and the French Doors of a softly lit kitchen.

GLASS SHATTERS.

INT. MANSION – UPPER HALL – NIGHT

Dark and quiet. The FIGURE stalks behind a flashlight sweep. Right, left, down. Right, left, down.

INT. MANSION – BEDROOM – NIGHT

The door opens. A Queen-size bed of fussy organza. Vintage Chippendale furniture that screams money.

The flashlight beam lands on several jewelry boxes.

Necklaces, bracelets, rings are scooped into a pillow case.

INT. MANSION – CLOSET – NIGHT

A walk-in space full of neatly hung garments on three rails forming a horseshoe of convenience.

In the dark, behind the clothes, MOM ROSEMARY CASSIDY (72), delicate and barely breathing, huddles in a dressing gown.

Furniture scrapes O.S. Drawers bang shut. Footsteps close.

Rosemary’s hand drops to search the floor behind her. Fingers find purchase. She brings up a nightstick ready to poke.

COLIN (V.O.)

Wait, what? In the closet with a riot stick?

The scene freezes.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Behind the wheel, MONICA CASSIDY (32) weaves with controlled urgency in and out of moderate traffic. The set of her jaw would warn anyone that to cut her off is a death wish.

A quick down shift and last second turn puts her off the main road and into a high class residential street. There’s steel behind her casually perfect make-up.

MONICA

It’s a great weapon for a ninety-seven pound grandma. I can make it a baseball bat.

COLIN (V.O.)

That works. I worry about you, Mo.

MONICA

Please. Mom has a collection. Just last week she beat a tumbleweed trash bag to death.

Houses drift further apart behind wide lawns and fancy fences. Monica slows, leaning in over the wheel.

MONICA (CONT’D)

Oh my God.

COLIN (V.O.)

What?

Her speed drops to a crawl.

HER POV – Two cop cars, fire trucks and EMT bus wait just outside a gate, lights flashing.

MONICA

The Fifth Cavalry is here. Gotta go.

COLIN (V.O.)

Give the diva my love.

AFTER:

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – MONITOR ROOM – DAY

A warren of sound-proofed partitioned cubicles. RINGING PHONES, SOFT MEASURED VOICES and low key BUSTLE.

AGENTS fitted with headphones man video stations. Multiple monitors, some dark, others showing homes or store interiors.

Along the back wall another line of monitors shifts between the agents, providing 3 SUPERVISORS with oversight.

DENNIS’ CUBICLE

Impersonal, 3 screens flitting camera angles, a bare hum of electronics. An ergonomic chair dead center.

DENNIS WILEY (50s), one with his environment, left side of his face hideously scarred. His hands play the controls like a keyboard.

ON MONITOR – Camera angles flit around a large yard with numerous trees.

Dennis’ eagle eyes separate shrubbery from shadowy movement.

ON MONITOR – A tracking shot doubles back, fixes on a scurrying naked old man.

DENNIS (V.O.)

I have your father now. Looks like he’s going fishing again. Shall I lock him in the boat house for your convenience?

A tiny voice responds over his head set.

ON MONITOR – The old man slips into a cottage. An inside camera takes over the scene. The door locks behind him. Startled, he pulls at the door frantically.

DENNIS

I turned on the music for him. How could I forget his fondness for Chopin? There’s no need to thank me. I have a camera trained until you enter the door code.

The phone call is ended with a flick of a finger. Dennis’ gentle humor fades. He taps his microphone on.

DENNIS (CONT’D)

Mister Watkins. We talked about what would happen if you broke restrictions again.

MONITOR – The old man swivels toward the voice, defiance failing under a rising dread.

Dennis touches a button.

MONITOR – The boat house fills with ear-splitting heavy metal. Mr. Watkins covers his ears, crumples into a heap.

DENNIS (CONT’D)

The punishment must befit the crime. For your own good.

The boat house view goes to a side monitor. Dennis brings up a new location on his main. His scowl softens.

ON MONITOR

Wrought iron and brick fencing guards an expanse of lawn and trees around an imposing three storied gabled Victorian.

EXT. MANSION – NIGHT

A FIGURE moves in the shadows, circling to the rear and the French Doors of a softly lit kitchen.

GLASS SHATTERS.

INT. MANSION – UPPER HALL – NIGHT

Dark and quiet. The FIGURE stalks behind a flashlight sweep. Right, left, down. Right, left, down.

INT. MANSION – BEDROOM – NIGHT

The door opens. A Queen-size bed of fussy organza. Vintage Chippendale furniture that screams money.

The flashlight beam lands on several jewelry boxes.

Necklaces, bracelets, rings are scooped into a pillow case.

INT. MANSION – CLOSET – NIGHT

A walk-in space full of neatly hung garments on three rails forming a horseshoe of convenience.

In the dark, behind the clothes, MOM ROSEMARY CASSIDY (72), delicate and barely breathing, huddles in a dressing gown.

Furniture scrapes O.S. Drawers bang shut. Footsteps close.

Rosemary’s hand drops to search the floor behind her. Fingers find purchase. She brings up a nightstick ready to poke.

COLIN (V.O.)

Wait, what? In the closet with a riot stick?

The scene freezes.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Behind the wheel, MONICA CASSIDY (32) weaves with controlled urgency in and out of moderate traffic. The set of her jaw would warn anyone that to cut her off is a death wish.

A quick down shift and last second turn puts her off the main road and into a high class residential street.

MONICA

It’s a great weapon for a ninety-seven pound grandma. How about a baseball bat?

COLIN (V.O.)

That works. I worry about you, Mo.

MONICA

Please. Mom has a collection. Just last week she beat a tumbleweed trash bag to death.

Houses drift further apart behind wide lawns and fancy fences. Monica slows, leaning in over the wheel.

MONICA (CONT’D)

Oh my God.

COLIN (V.O.)

What?

Her speed drops to a crawl.

HER POV – Two cop cars, fire trucks and EMT bus wait just outside the wrought iron gate of her ad, lights flashing.

MONICA

The Fifth Cavalry is here. Gotta go.

COLIN (V.O.)

Give the diva my love.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S AMAZING 3RD ACT

What I learned doing this assignment is the ending was adequate but could be so much more impactful. With three changes I’m looking to up the ante at the very end to ensure the downside of seeking revenge or “justice”.

Summary:

Monica is a successful advertising executive using her mother’s paranoid delusions as the inspiration for ads for security services. Now in her 30s she’s chaffing to have a life of her own without worrying about Mom. Mom has a pervasive security system and Dennis is her favorite agent because he indulges her fantasies, envious of the massive house she lives in.

When Mom dies of diabetic complications Monica is wracked with guilt because she took off for a weekend. Her grief turns into a need for vengeance and she determines to prove Dennis contributed to Mom’s death.

He locks her in the house after finding a recording that could be construed as evidence against him and the battle of wits begins. Monica eventually goads him into coming into the house for her evidence and locks them both in a bomb shelter for a final confrontation.

Act 3 Beats

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT

Monica looks for sanctuary or a weapon. She eyes the bomb shelter door, gets an idea and sets a trap, messing with the lock tumblers.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Dennis explores the bunker warily. Monica rushes him. They both fall into the bomb shelter. The door locks.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Monica practically dares Dennis to injure or kill her to ensure his arrest. He’ll argue with her as he works on the lock, irritation mounting with each failure. Monica taunts him and the argument over who is more wrong continues.

EXT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT

Alison and Sam approach, worried when Coco joins them. Coco leads the way in after Alison unlocks the door.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT

The trio search, find the computer set up – Alison’s worst nightmare. Sam works to rescind Dennis’ control. Coco races over to Monica’s, not sure who is more guilty.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Monica fights fatigue, tries to rattle Dennis with descriptions of oxygen deprivation.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT

Cop cars, a Fire Engine and EMT van circle the men trying to short circuit the lock. An All Eyes Security van pulls up.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

The emergency lights flutter with waning power. Dennis loses his temper when Monica flicks a cigarette lighter at him. The arguing resumes.

CHANGE – This isn’t intense enough and we haven’t addressed Dennis’ obsession with Mom and the house. This comes out that throws Monica’s main argument into doubt.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT

Jeff Anderson pulls up, uses his own tools to release the gate in short order.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Anderson and Coco break the lock. Paul bolts out, falls into Anderson’s arms.

INT. AMBULANCE – NIGHT

Paul frets under treatment for dehydration and shock. Coco leads the way inside.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

The face off continues, both flushed with heat exhaustion and aggravated stress. Monica’s grief breaks.

CHANGE –

Dennis slyly tries to establish control over her, showing his insidious need to be top dog.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT

Coco stares at the bomb shelter. Firemen go for a torch.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Dennis coaches Monica on her performance but when the door opens and Coco enters, Monica calls him out, quoting the damning words. When he lunges for her Coco shoots him.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Coco leads Monica out. She’s shell-shocked, upset that her victory is hollow. Coco explains Dennis’ overreach. So, who’s watching the watchers?

CHANGE – Possible new ending. Monica is brought out on a stretcher after Dennis. Coco explains she had to shoot. Dennis is gone. Monica emotionally unstable, regretting her retribution, finally advancing into the deal-making stage of grief.

[Patricia Semler]

Alan, I like the line. It really delivers character for Rolex Guy.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S MOST MEMORABLE LINE

What I learned doing this assignment is to nudge the subconscious with a statement that puts a bow on the theme. An early memorable line also sets up the third act action.

BEFORE:

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT

Mom packs away food in double layers of Saran wrap. Monica adds bowls to the table with a clatter. Mom glares at her.

MOM CASSIDY

Don’t you get an attitude with me. I had every right to dismiss him.

MONICA

By spilling coffee on him? You’re worse than a crabby old loon.

MOM CASSIDY

Well, you should have more consideration for me. Bringing strangers into the house. Now I’ll have to change the locks.

MONICA

Mom! Christ, I work with the man. He’s not going to rob us. I doubt he’ll ever speak to me again after tonight.

MOM CASSIDY

Good riddance.

On the verge of totally losing it, Monica takes a moment. She throws up her hands.

MONICA

I have to see Paul out.

Monica heads out.

MOM CASSIDY

In my day it was the man saw the woman out.

AFTER:

What I wanted in the last line was the zinger that foreshadowed Rosemary’s impending death and Monica’s crushing guilt.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT

Mom packs away the food in double layers of Saran wrap. Monica adds bowls to the table.

MOM CASSIDY

Don’t you get an attitude with me. I had every right to dismiss him.

MONICA

By spilling coffee on him? You’re worse than a crabby old loon.

MOM CASSIDY

Well, you should have more consideration for me. Bringing strangers into the house. Now I’ll have to change the locks.

MONICA

Mom! Christ, I work with the man. He’s not going to rob us. I doubt he’ll ever speak to me again after tonight. I have to see him out.

MOM CASSIDY

In my day it was the man saw the woman out.

MONICA

This is Miami, not Atlanta.

Monica heads for the door. Mom stores the dishes in the fridge, considers the cake.

MOM CASSIDY

Your brother and sister wouldn’t treat me like some addled-brained old fool. One day you’ll come home to find me dead on the floor, and it will be all your fault.

BEFORE:

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Paul waits anxiously at an ambulance, pacing out nerves. Sam perks up as Monica is led out of the house by Officer Warren.

PAUL

Mo! Are you all right?

He reaches for her, alarmed by the blood spatter on her clothes. She shudders out of her daze.

MONICA

Not me …

SAM

What happened?

A shrouded stretcher is brought out. Monica backs away, clings to Paul.

MONICA

Mom’s going to be so angry. Her beautiful urn. Ashes everywhere.

PAUL

Never mind that now. You’re exhausted.

MONICA

He tried to convince me this was all my fault, but the tape. I had him. Then the door. It happened so fast.

She sobs on Paul’s shoulder.

AFTER:

This end scene has to tie up the argument of how much security is too much.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY

Paul waits anxiously at the ambulance. EMTs exit with a body bag on a gurney. Coco leads a numbed Monica out.

Paul rushes to her.

PAUL

Monica! Are you all right? What happened?

COCO

I had to take the shot. That small room …

And EMT wraps a blanket around Monica’s shoulders. She blinks semi-awareness, clutches at Paul.

MONICA

Is it my fault? I write the ads, give them too much responsibility.

PAUL

You’re in shock, baby. This isn’t the time.

MONICA

When? Nobody talks about the consequences?

COCO

Listen to your friend. This will all come out in the investigation.

MONICA

But who’s watching the watchers?

Paul tugs her into a hug. On the verge of a watershed of tears, Monica digs in his coat pockets, pulls out the tape to show Coco.

MONICA (CONT’D)

Guard this with your life.

PAUL

Oh honey, stop. It’s over.

MONICA

No, it’s proof. I wasn’t crazy. People need to know. We give away too much freedom in the name of security.

Under Paul’s worried look, Coco takes the tape. A shudder goes through Monica. Strength fading, she follows Paul’s lead into the ambulance.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT LOVES SEPARATING CHARACTER DIALOGUE

What I learned doing this assignment is to add shading according to character mindset.

Character Profile: Dennis Wiley

Obsessive

Authoritarian

Compassionate

Lonely

BEFORE

DENNIS

An ounce of prevention.

A small clock chimes the hour. The phone rings. Dennis activates the line with a bare glance at the caller ID.

DENNIS (CONT’D)

This is Dennis. Is there an emergency, Mrs Cassidy?

MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)

Oh Dennis, it’s dreadful. Horrible. That Sam is useless. I think I’m having a heart attack.

Dennis flicks a questioning glance at Sam in the mirror. Sam mimes a sign of the cross and exits.

Quick fingers bring up the Cassidy house monitors.

On MONITOR – Mom perfectly healthy on the kitchen landline.

DENNIS

Shall I call an ambulance?

MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)

Call an ambulance. Call the National Guard. While you’re at it call a caterer. That girl is bringing a date home for supper.

DENNIS

Ah. Without warning I suppose.

MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)

Just now. Four hours. What am I supposed to do in four hours?

DENNIS

That depends on whether you intend to encourage or discourage this man. Do we know him?

ON MONITOR – Mom rolls her eyes even as she opens a cookbook.

MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)

Some gigolo from work. I’ll just wager they’re sizing up this house. Everyone wants my house.

Dennis brings up multiple room cameras. His face lights with his own yearning.

DENNIS

Well, we can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear now, can we? A dutiful daughter would have more respect for her mother.

MOM CASSIDY (V.O.)

A pot roast I think. Something with gravy I can pour out to show who’s boss. I have to get busy now.

DENNIS

Going to passive mode.

He disconnects the call, lingers over cutting the other monitors. Finally stops the feed and picks up an Architecture Magazine featuring a similar Gothic mansion.

AFTER:

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DENNIS’ CUBICLE – DAY

Three monitors with different rooms keep Dennis’ eyes moving. He thumbs on a fresh call, bringing up a new scene.

DENNIS

This is Dennis. What is your emergency, Mrs. Cassidy?

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

Mom Cassidy putters around on a land-line with a long cord.

MOM CASSIDY

That girl is bringing a date home for supper.

DENNIS

Ah. Without warning I suppose.

MOM CASSIDY

Just now. Like I’m some magician who can whip up a dinner party in four hours.

Dennis smiles, ready to engage with her, never losing focus on his other clients.

DENNIS

That depends on whether you intend to encourage or discourage this man. Do we know him?

Mom rolls her eyes even as she opens a cookbook.

MOM CASSIDY

Some salesman at her office. Engaged, mind you. Didn’t ask my opinion. Just showed up with a ring. I know she’s bringing him here to size up the house. They’ll put me away and take my house.

She slams the book shut, peers out her windows for trouble.

MOM CASSIDY (CONT’D)

It’s all one conspiracy, and that Sam is in on it. Do you know what he told me? Cut back my trees.

DENNIS

Now, now. That is sound advice. Keeping the landscaping trimmed makes for less cover for intruders.

He switches to an exterior Cassidy camera to check the front door garden area.

MOM CASSIDY

But that means gardeners. Who knows what they would be up to.

DENNIS

We’re getting off subject. You were complaining about Miss Monica bringing home company for dinner.

Rosemary’s rising panic ebbs. She returns to the cookbook.

DENNIS (CONT’D)

We both know a dutiful daughter would have more respect. But we can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, now can we?

MOM CASSIDY

She’s just like my mother, always with a criticism, never a thought for my feelings.

DENNIS (V.O.)

That is so sad. On the bright side, you could always spill coffee on him should the need arise.

Only half paying attention as she pages through the book, Mom Cassidy nods.

MOM CASSIDY

A chicken fricassee. I haven’t done that in a long time. You’re wonderful as always, Dennis. Good bye.

Without waiting for a reply she hangs up the phone, really focuses on the book.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DENNIS’ CUBICLE – DAY

Dennis shrugs off the abrupt cut off, attention already riveting on action on one of his monitors.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S DRAMATIC SCENE TRANSITIONS

What I learned doing this assignment is that scenes that seemed to flow in an orderly fashion sometimes aren’t as logical as perceived. The tie between jumps could be stronger in places, subtle in others.

This one felt like cheating because I eliminated a scene to achieve the effect, but that’s what subtext is all about. I’m looking forward to using this technique heavily.

BEFORE:

INT./EXT. – BACK PATIO – DAY

Mom Cassidy stays at the open kitchen door, ready to bolt inside. Monica and Warren drag up a broken tree limb.

MONICA

Here’s your burglar. You’re supposed to call Sam not the cops.

MOM CASSIDY

Uh, Sam. The man is useless. Not like Dennis. You’ll stay for coffee, officer? I baked this morning.

Warren stifles a grunt, avoiding eyes.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – GATE – DAY

Monica walks Warren back to his car. The other vehicles have left. She juggles her car keys.

WARREN

If this keeps happening the chief could cite you.

MONICA

I could use the vacation. Here’s an idea. We have plenty of room and she likes you. Move in. This way you can stop her nonsense before she hits 911. I wouldn’t even charge you rent.

Warren squints at her, alarmed that she’s dead serious. He takes a moment, almost smiles, then shakes his head no.

INT. ADVERTISING COMPANY – BREAK ROOM – DAY

Monica helps herself to coffee, ignoring a pair of gossiping secretaries. PAUL THORNTON (33), too rugged for his crisp suit, stands aside as the secretaries exit.

Monica glances as he joins her. She takes a half-step to give him room to make his own coffee. Their shoulders still brush. Monica pretends she doesn’t notice.

Paul grins, rubs his shoulder against hers. Monica almost laughs, faces him, coffee cup between as a shield.

MONICA

Do you know what Katie Scarlett did today?

PAUL

Besides her usual hysterical call? Good thing Colin loved that new presentation. He forgave you speeding out of here.

MONICA

She baked a cake.

AFTER:

INT./EXT. – BACK PATIO – DAY

Mom Cassidy stays at the open kitchen door, ready to bolt inside. Monica and Warren drag up a broken tree limb.

MONICA

Here’s your burglar. You’re supposed to call Sam not the cops.

MOM CASSIDY

Uh, Sam. The man is useless. Not like Dennis. You’ll stay for coffee, officer? I baked this morning.

Warren stifles a grunt, avoiding eyes.

INT. ADVERTISING COMPANY – BREAK ROOM – DAY

Monica makes coffee, ignoring a pair of gossips. A Tupperware sandwich container lies on the counter.

PAUL THORNTON (33), too rugged for his crisp suit, stands aside as the secretaries exit.

Monica glances as he joins her. She takes a half-step to give him room to make his own coffee. Their shoulders still brush. Monica pretends she doesn’t notice.

Paul grins, rubs his shoulder against hers. Monica almost laughs, faces him, coffee cup between as a shield.

MONICA

Do you know what Katie Scarlett did today?

PAUL

Besides her usual hysterical call? Good thing Colin loved that new presentation. He forgave you speeding out of here.

MONICA

She baked a cake.

She nudges the Tupperware toward him.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Elevated Scene Structures

What I learned doing this assignment is that an adequate scene can be made so much more intense, and I found out that Dennis is a coward.

What are the components here:

Monica is determined to blame Dennis for Mom’s death

Alison defends her people and service.

I’m trying to accomplish:

Escalation of Monica’s inability to deal with her grief

A definite sore point for Dennis to work against her.

Original scene:

INT. ADVERTISING CO. – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica paces, waiting for a Skype call to connect. Alison appears on the screen.

ALISON

Miss Cassidy?

Monica takes her seat, glares into the screen.

MONICA

I want his records. Dennis Wiley.

ALISON

Why don’t you take a breath and start from the beginning.

MONICA

I’ll get a court order if I have to. You show me he didn’t cause my mother’s death.

Alison assumes her most professional cool.

ALISON

We see this every day. Children put their aging parents under care. Then when something happens, All Eyes did something wrong. There’s a psychological term for it.

MONICA

Transfer of guilt.

ALISON

So you know all about it.

MONICA

Psych major. That’s why my ads hit home. But that’s not what happened here.

ALISON

Are you sure? You’re still in shock. Angry. Maybe a little defensive. You were out of town.

MONICA

I didn’t tell my mother to stop taking her meds.

ALISON

Neither did Dennis.

They glare at each other.

MONICA

Are you going to investigate?

ALISON

Miss Cassidy, we’ve done our due diligence. All Eyes is not responsible.

MONICA

Somebody is. I want your equipment pulled from the house.

Alison refers to a calendar.

ALISON

I can have a team out at the end of the month.

MONICA

Tomorrow.

ALISON

Monday the thirtieth. That’s the best I can do. We are legally obligated to honor the contract for a month after the death of a client.

MONICA

That clause must be in the real fine print.

She cuts the call.

Test structures:

Suspense –

Monica goes to All Eyes to vent her anger, causing all employees to worry. Will she get into it with Dennis?

Can Alison deal with her in a professional manner? Will Dennis get involved?

Competitive Agendas:

Monica wants to punish Dennis.

Alison threatens cancelling her agency’s business contract.

Investigation/Hiding

Monica marches in determined to confront Dennis

Alison keeps close, deflecting, arguing, threatening

Dennis stays out of reach, a coward and seething that Monica broke his mirror.

NEW SCENE trying out Investigation/Hiding

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – ALLISON’S OFFICE

Alison comes out of her office, annoyed, projecting authority and calm as Monica storms past cubicles.

ALISON

Miss Cassidy? I’m Alison, the day manager.

Monica stops, assesses body language, not impressed.

MONICA

I want his records. Dennis Wiley.

ALISON

Why don’t we take this into my office and you can start your complaint from the beginning.

She takes a step backwards. Monica doesn’t budge, eyes the cubicles for clues.

MONICA

No thanks. You tell me how he didn’t cause my mother’s death.

Alison checks curious eyes peeking from behind barriers with a sharp look. Heads duck back.

ALISON

I am sorry for your loss. We see this every day. Children put their aging parents under care. Then when something happens All Eyes did something wrong. There’s a psychological term for it.

MONICA

Transfer of guilt.

ALISON

So you know all about it.

Monica starts up the nearest aisle. Alison goes after her. Up ahead Dennis’ cubicle is empty, mirror reflecting their advance.

MONICA

Psych major. That’s why my ads hit home. Where is he?

(calls)

Dennis Wiley!

In the break room, Dennis shivers, ducks behind the wall.

Monica peers into every cubicle she passes. Alison manages to match her stride, keeps her from accosting agents.

ALISON

You know I could call the police on you. You don’t belong back here.

Monica offers her phone.

MONICA

Be my guest. I have them on speed dial.

Alison ignores the gesture. Monica drops the phone back in her pocket. Alison lunges to block Monica’s advance.

They’re steps from Dennis’ cubicle, a corner away from the break room.

ALISON

Just stop. Now obviously you’re still in shock. Angry. Maybe a little defensive.

MONICA

I didn’t tell my mother to stop taking her meds.

ALISON

Neither did Dennis.

Monica side steps. Alison matches her. They glare annoyance.

MONICA

Are you going to investigate?

ALISON

Miss Cassidy, we’ve done our due diligence. All Eyes is not responsible.

MONICA

Somebody is. I want your equipment pulled from the house.

Alison pulls her phone, checks a calendar.

ALISON

I can have a team out at the end of the month.

MONICA

Tomorrow.

ALISON

Monday the thirtieth. That’s the best I can do. We are legally obligated to honor the contract for a month after the death of a client.

MONICA

That clause must be in the real fine print.

Alison’s attention drifts slightly to a monitor alarm. Monica gets past her into Dennis’ cubicle. Alison darts in behind.

Monica eyeballs performance awards, catches her fury in the mirror, sweeps the glass off the wall. It crashes on the desk.

ALISON

Miss Cassidy! Before I have you arrested you need to leave.

Tight-lipped Monica marches for the door with Alison at her back. Eyes follow them from the cubicles.

Dennis returns to his station. Anger spurts at the broken glass, settles into a slow boiling rage.

She exits the room, orients herself, marches up the aisle straight at Dennis’ cubicle.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S MEANINGFUL ACTION

What I learned doing this assignment is putting people in motion means that much less dialogue to get their personality across.

BEFORE:

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – CLOSET – NIGHT

The walk-in space is full of neatly hung garments on three rails forming a horseshoe of convenience.

In the corner, behind the clothes, Rosemary cowers, barely breathing. One hand drops to search the floor behind her.

Furniture scrapes O.S. Drawers bang shut. Footsteps close.

Rosemary’s fingers find purchase on something.

She settles back on her heels, brings up a nightstick.

COLIN (V.O.)

Wait, what? In the closet with a riot stick?

The scene freezes.

INT. ADVERTISING CO. – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

The private office is clean and airy. Trophies and plaques share a bookshelf with professional volumes.

COLIN (50s), thick but not fat, with an Alec Baldwin panache, frowns at an outsized monitor and the frozen robbery image.

ON MONITOR – Rosemary huddled behind the night stick.

He casts a look over the top of the screen.

MONICA CASSIDY (32), hair pulled into a neat pony tail, dressed for success, swings a riot stick with competence.

MONICA

It’s an awesome weapon. A ninety-five pound grandma can do damage even if she misses her mark.

COLIN

No.

MONICA

Baseball bat?

COLIN

That works. I worry about you, Mo.

She crosses to the desk to correct her computer screen with a stylus, still twirling the riot stick.

On Colin’s monitor, a wooden bat replaces the nightstick.

Lying next to the keyboard, Monica’s cell phone erupts with the JAWS theme music. Caller ID says MOM. She ignores it.

MONICA

Wish I was making it up. This was last week, minus the actual break-in. Moving on?

Colin flicks an eye at the phone. Monica shakes her head, taps the call off. Colin sighs, indicates the mock-up.

MONICA (CONT’D)

But with All Eyes Security, your home is now a fortress.

MONITOR – The action resumes with an intact kitchen door. The shadowy figure readies to strike. LIGHTS blaze on. In the next instant, COPS arrest the would-be thief. A security camera records his face.

MONICA (CONT’D)

And Mom can rest easy knowing that she’s protected twenty-four seven.

MONITOR – The scene freezes on Rosemary in a rocker knitting.

Monica looks to Colin.

COLIN

Lose the rocker. The tag is weak. We can use the rest.

He leaves the monitor.

COLIN (CONT’D)

She actually has a riot stick?

MONICA

Oh yeah. I remember the day Dad brought it home, as a birthday present. She chased us kids around the house for hours.

She sits back in her chair, wistful and bitter.

MONICA (CONT’D)

That’s when I realized how sick she was. I didn’t want to be that scared of life or of her. So I took psychology and here I am.

COLIN

Making other people afraid so they patronize our clients. Slick.

Monica saves her program work. The JAWS theme sounds again. Colin frowns at the phone.

MONICA

It isn’t a day unless there’s a crisis before ten. It’s the diabetes meds. She’s convinced everyone’s out to poison her.

COLIN

Diabetes is tough. You spend your whole life eating anything you want and suddenly you can’t even look at sugar. Give the diva my love.

AFTER:

INT. MANSION – CLOSET – NIGHT

The walk-in space is full of neatly hung garments on three rails forming a horseshoe of convenience.

In the dark, behind the clothes, MOM ROSEMARY CASSIDY (72), delicate and barely breathing, huddles in a dressing gown.

Furniture scrapes O.S. Drawers bang shut. Footsteps close.

Rosemary’s hand drops to search the floor behind her. Fingers find purchase. She brings up a nightstick ready to poke.

COLIN (V.O.)

Wait, what? In the closet with a riot stick?

The scene freezes.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Behind the wheel, MONICA CASSIDY (32) weaves with controlled urgency in and out of moderate traffic. The set of her jaw would warn anyone that to cut her off is a death wish.

A quick down shift and last second turn puts her off the main road and into a high class residential street. There’s steel behind her casually perfect make-up.

MONICA

It’s a great weapon for a ninety-seven pound grandma. I can make it a baseball bat.

COLIN (V.O.)

That works. I worry about you, Mo.

MONICA

Please. Mom has a collection. Just last week she beat a tumbleweed trash bag to death.

Houses drift further apart behind wide lawns and fancy fences. Monica slows, leaning in over the wheel.

MONICA (CONT’D)

Oh my God.

COLIN (V.O.)

What?

Her speed drops to a crawl.

HER POV – Two cop cars, fire trucks and EMT bus wait just outside a gate, lights flashing.

MONICA

The Fifth Cavalry is here. Got’ta go.

COLIN (V.O.)

Give the diva my love.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Elevated Story Beats

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is changing scenes is so much easier when you can see the continuity in 2-3 lines instead of pages. I did cheat a little and only posted the beat pages with the majority of the changes made. I haven’t completely combed the beats for other upgrades.

Logline – A grieving woman believes her home security agent is responsible for her mother’s sudden death, and to prove it must put herself under his scrutiny while searching for evidence.

First scene to improve: Before

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Dennis waits the noise of rescue, prompts Monica on her confession. At the last minute she rallies and demands his arrest. When he reaches for her Coco shoots him.

**how can we elevate this, given that Coco thinks Monica is the guilty party? Does Warren call her over the radio with the discovery in Dennis’ place? Where would that go in the sequence?

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE

Paul waits anxiously at an ambulance, pacing out nerves. Monica is led out of the house. She’s wracked with guilt over Dennis’ death.

AFTER

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT

Monica is quiet under Dennis’ guidance. The door opens and Coco enters, gun drawn, but not sure who to aim at. Monica rallies and calls out Dennis, quoting the conversation. When he lunges for her Coco shoots him.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE

Paul waits anxiously, pacing out nerves. Coco and Monica come out. Monica’s shell-shocked from the concussion. Coco apologizes for her assumptions, explains Dennis’ overreach. So, who’s watching the watchers?

I’m considering adding a tag scene. The house with shutters gone, gardeners at work. Inside the bunker, Monica’s set up a memorial with 2 urns and artificial flowers, photos. Upstairs Paul supervises the removal of the security cameras.

SECOND CHANGE: Before

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Ever-vigilant Dennis consoles Rosemary over the sudden dinner plans. He then works with Miss Ann, coldly authoritarian in confining her to the house.

AFTER:

This scene splits into 2 with Dennis’ intro moving up to opening spot.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Dennis is coolly authoritarian with client Miss Ann, keeping the old woman locked in for her own good. Co-worker SAM arrives for his shift, worries about changes Dennis has instituted in the programs, calls him a yenta.

Third change: Before

(E6) INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.

(E4) INT. ADVERTISING AGENCY – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Colin leaves when Monica takes a call from Officer Warren complaining about Rosemary’s latest 911 call for help. Monica calls All Eyes and confirms its another false alarm, apologizes with barely concealed annoyance for Rosemary.

AFTER

To beef up Monica’s first appearance and to add some action, I’m putting her in motion

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Colin and Monica discuss changes to her ad while she drives to meet cops at Mom’s house for another false alarm. This shows she’s not just snarky and out patience, she has confidence in herself to drive like a formula one driver and handle police.

NEW BEAT SHEET

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Dennis is coolly authoritarian with client Miss Ann, keeping the old woman locked in for her own good. Co-worker SAM arrives for his shift, worries about changes Dennis has instituted in the programs, calls him a yenta. Must mention All Eyes name to tie in with following scene.

INT./EXT. MANSION – NIGHT

A burglar targets a lonely Victorian mansion and the old woman inside. She hides in a closet gripping a riot stick.

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Colin and Monica discuss changes to her ad while she drives to meet cops at Mom’s house for another false alarm. This shows she’s not just snarky and out patience, she has confidence in herself to drive like a formula one driver and handle police.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY

Monica lets in cops and fire fighters at the gated entry, apologizing for Mom’s latest figment.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – DAY

With Officer Warren present, Monica coaxes Rosemary out of the bunker.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY

Monica and Warren prove to Rosemary there’s no burglar. Monica walks Warren back to the cars, chiding him that she has requested a Baker Act as help.

4. (E7) Monica vents her frustrations to fiancé Paul. He dares her to take off for a weekend. When she demurs he insists he meet Rosemary and they make a dinner date for that night.

5. (E5) Ever-vigilant Dennis consoles Rosemary over the sudden dinner plans.

6. (E3) An elegant three story Victorian, with locked storm shutters and a key pad entry way into an airlock sized vestibule.

7. (E4) Monica introduces Paul to the 8 bedrooms, secret passages and a cold war era bomb shelter. Dinner goes well until Rosemary overhears a cutting remark and dumps coffee on Paul.

8. (E8) Monica apologizes, then spitefully decides to take up Paul’s offer of the getaway.

9. (E6) Rosemary calls Dennis fearful of a burglar, except its only a tree branch shadow. She blames Monica for taking off, neglects her diabetes meds.

10. (E8) Dennis works with a worried woman, tracks a wandering old man to a boat shed, locks him in until the family can get there, subjects the man to ear-blasting music as punishment.

11. (E5) Monica has misgivings about leaving Mom alone. There’s no phone service and Paul accuses her of being an enabler. They have a tense first night alone.

12. (E9) Dennis lives in a cottage house on the neighboring estate, with a duplicate of his work station, detailed drawings of Rosemary’s house and 24/7 access if he chooses.

(E6) In a fog, Rosemary putters around the house. A news report on e-coli causes alarm and she throws out all her food. Day agent Sam is no help when she calls in a panic about her meds.

13. (E6) Alison reprimands Dennis over the old man. He’s valuable to her but needs to stay within company guidelines.

14. (E4) Monica starts to relax for the first time in forever.

15. (E8) INT. Paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion, interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does.

16. (E5) Dennis’ client, Miss Ann, escapes the house despite his best efforts. Office Manager Alison confirms he did his best, but he’s still annoyed.

17. (E6) Rosemary hides her reel to reel tapes. When a noise scares her she runs to her second floor closet to hide.

18. (E9) Returning home, Dennis doesn’t do his normal check in on Rosemary from his home set up.

19. (E9) When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead. Officer Warren calls in Detective Coco Rivera as standard procedure. Coco immediately thinks Monica abused the old woman. Monica’s in no mood for her pointed questions.

20. (E3) Office manager Alison debriefs the agents on Rosemary’s death. All Eyes has been cleared of any wrong doing.

21. (E4) Coco goes through Warren’s records of Rosemary’s 911 calls, thinks she has a case of elder abuse. Warren tries to deflect her but Coco is on a roll. She’s seen this stuff before.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE

Coco visits Rosemary’s physician, looking for facts to support her theory that Monica was an abuser. She leaves disappointed.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – ALISON’S OFFICE – DAY

Coco stops by with questions. Alison backs up her people. Dennis adds comments that seem to back up Coco’s suspicions of Monica’s behavior.

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Monica returns to work, outwardly stoic, but not interested in the work. Coco drops in with more questions. Monica’s answers seem evasive.

INT. ADVERTISING AGENCY – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY

Sam drops by to offer condolences. After Coco’s questions, when he vaguely hints Dennis overstepped his duty she assumes Dennis is guilty.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Monica confronts Alison and Dennis in a fury. She breaks a mirror he uses to watch his back, not angry to note his bout of claustrophobia.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY

Monica starts her search of Mom’s paranoid recordings. Drinking too much, upset by Dennis and Rosemary’s kibbutzing about her, she berates him over the monitors.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY

Dennis has no reason to believe he’s culpable, but looks through his records anyway.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Monica gets to the last phone call and there it is, “If you’re having an issue throw your meds out and call your doctor”. But first she has to investigate a noise upstairs.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT

At home, Dennis finds the same call on his backup system. It’s not a smoking gun but still worrisome. He edits the file, then checks for Monica. Not at the computer. He hacks in to edit her computer’s version.

29. (E6) Monica finds a slightly open window and
a broken vase. She cleans up the mess.

30. (E7) Dennis finishes his work, shuts down
the connection.

31. (E3) Monica returns to the desk, decides
she’s exhausted. Shuts the computer and heads to bed.

32. (E3) Coco’s captain returns her preliminary
report. Coroner found no physical evidence of abuse, confirms diabetes
complications. Drop the case.

34. (E7) Refreshed, Monica can’t find the
recording. Paul calls to check on her. They find the outside computer hack. He
tells her to get out.

She’s packing up when she finds the reel to reel
tape recorder. With that tape she doesn’t need the computer file.

35. (E4) Monica yanks the drawer open. CD discs
skitter into a sloppy pile – all music albums. She addresses the funerary urn.
You moved their hiding spot! Then the electric goes out.

36. (E3) Monica calls the power company, gets a
recording of the outage. Grabbing a flashlight she starts a search.

MONTAGE:

HALL – Get emergency lights going.

SEWING ROOM – Piles of material stack the
tables.

DINING ROOM – Monica empties a credenza of
silverware and good plates.

BEDROOM – Stripped down to a tank top and shorts
in the heat, Monica turns out dressers, checks closets.

SMALL BEDROOM – Windows opened bare cracks don’t
help any. Monica drinks some water, splashes more on her face.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Scene Ratings

What I learned doing this assignment is its hard to be objective with your own work. Some scenes that I thought were awesome in sequence are a little shaky individually. My ending needs pizzazz. Coco’s addition is proving problematic. And I found a few plot holes that need filling.

1. (E9) A burglar targets a lonely Victorian mansion and the old woman inside. She hides in a closet gripping a riot stick.

2. (E6) At her office, Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He worries about Monica’s snarky attitude

3. (E4) Colin leaves when Monica takes a call from Officer Warren complaining about Rosemary’s latest 911 call for help. Monica calls All Eyes and confirms its another false alarm, apologizes with barely concealed annoyance for Rosemary.

4. (E7) Monica vents her frustrations to fiancé Paul. He dares her to take off for a weekend. When she demurs he insists he meet Rosemary and they make a dinner date for that night.

5. (E5) Ever-vigilant Dennis consoles Rosemary over the sudden dinner plans. He then works with Miss Ann, coldly authoritarian in confining her to the house.

6. (E3) An elegant three story Victorian, with locked storm shutters and a key pad entry way into an airlock sized vestibule.

7. (E4) Monica introduces Paul to the 8 bedrooms, secret passages and a cold war era bomb shelter. Dinner goes well until Rosemary overhears a cutting remark and dumps coffee on Paul.

8. (E8) Monica apologizes, then spitefully decides to take up Paul’s offer of the getaway.

9. (E6) Rosemary calls Dennis fearful of a burglar, except its only a tree branch shadow. She blames Monica for taking off, neglects her diabetes meds.

10. (E8) Dennis works with a worried woman, tracks a wandering old man to a boat shed, locks him in until the family can get there, subjects the man to ear-blasting music as punishment.

11. (E5) Monica has misgivings about leaving Mom alone. There’s no phone service and Paul accuses her of being an enabler. They have a tense first night alone.

12. (E9) Dennis lives in a cottage house on the neighboring estate, with a duplicate of his work station, detailed drawings of Rosemary’s house and 24/7 access if he chooses.

(E6) In a fog, Rosemary putters around the house. A news report on e-coli causes alarm and she throws out all her food. Day agent Sam is no help when she calls in a panic about her meds.

13. (E6) Alison reprimands Dennis over the old man. He’s valuable to her but needs to stay within company guidelines.

14. (E4) Monica starts to relax for the first time in forever.

15. (E8) INT. Paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion, interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does.

16. (E5) Dennis’ client, Miss Ann, escapes the house despite his best efforts. Office Manager Alison confirms he did his best, but he’s still annoyed.

17. (E6) Rosemary hides her reel to reel tapes. When a noise scares her she runs to her second floor closet to hide.

18. (E9) Returning home, Dennis doesn’t do his normal check in on Rosemary from his home set up.

19. (E9) When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead. Officer Warren calls in Detective Coco Rivera as standard procedure. Coco immediately thinks Monica abused the old woman. Monica’s in no mood for her pointed questions.

20. (E3) Office manager Alison debriefs the agents on Rosemary’s death. All Eyes has been cleared of any wrong doing.

21. (E4) Coco goes through Warren’s records of Rosemary’s 911 calls, thinks she has a case of elder abuse. Warren tries to deflect her but Coco is on a roll. She’s seen this stuff before.

22. (E5) Monica returns to work, outwardly stoic, but not interested in the work. Coco drops in with more questions. Monica’s answers seem evasive.

23. (E3) Coco stops by with questions. Alison backs up her people.

24. (E6) Sam drops by to offer condolences. When he vaguely hints Dennis overstepped his duty she assumes Dennis is guilty and heads to the house to look for evidence

25. (E3) Monica starts her search of Mom’s paranoid recordings. Drinking too much, upset by Dennis and Rosemary’s kibbutzing about her, she berates him over the monitors.

26. (E3) Dennis has no reason to believe he’s culpable, but looks through his records anyway.

27. (E5) Monica gets to the last phone call and there it is, “If you’re having an issue throw your meds out and call your doctor”. But first she has to investigate a noise upstairs.

28. (E8) Dennis finds the same call on a redundant system. It’s not a smoking gun but still worrisome. He edits the file, then checks for Monica. Not at the computer. He hacks in to edit her computer’s version.

29. (E6) Monica finds a slightly open window and a broken vase. She cleans up the mess.

30. (E7) Dennis finishes his work, shuts down the connection.

31. (E3) Monica returns to the desk, decides she’s exhausted. Shuts the computer and heads to bed.

32. (E3) Coco’s captain returns her preliminary report. Not enough evidence to support her theory. Drop it unless medical says otherwise.

33. (E4) Coco visits Rosemary’s physician, looking for facts to support her theory that Monica was an abuser. She leaves disappointed.

34. (E7) Refreshed, Monica can’t find the recording. Paul calls to check on her. They find the outside computer hack. He tells her to get out.

She’s packing up when she finds the reel to reel tape recorder. With that tape she doesn’t need the computer file.

35. (E4) Monica yanks the drawer open. CD discs skitter into a sloppy pile – all music albums. She addresses the funerary urn. You moved their hiding spot! Then the electric goes out.

36. (E3) Monica calls the power company, gets a recording of the outage. Grabbing a flashlight she starts a search.

MONTAGE:

HALL – Get emergency lights going.

SEWING ROOM – Piles of material stack the tables.

DINING ROOM – Monica empties a credenza of silverware and good plates.

BEDROOM – Stripped down to a tank top and shorts in the heat, Monica turns out dressers, checks closets.

SMALL BEDROOM – Windows opened bare cracks don’t help any. Monica drinks some water, splashes more on her face.

KITCHEN – The empty take-out carton tops the trash can.

STORE ROOM – Chests and plastic storage bins are lined up, tops off to reveal contents. A frustrated Monica leaves everything as is, heads out.

DAD’S OFFICE – Last area, full of bittersweet memories.

37. (E3) Dennis wakes, gets ready for work.

38. (E4) Monica sags against the couch. A flopping arm hits a hidden cache and she has her tapes.

39. (E5) Fresh from a shower, Monica packs up her flash drives.

40. (E8) Dennis checks the computer. Warning lights show his access to Mom’s computer is gone. He brings up the house monitors, finds Monica packing up computer files.

Without conscious thought, he locks the doors, calls in sick.

41. (E6) Monica can’t open the door, calls in to All Eyes.

42. (E8) Dennis’ phone buzzes. He logs on.

43. (E5) Monica demands release. Dennis misrepresents the outage as out of his control and she has to wait. Meanwhile he does all he can to ease into her confidence. (This is a change from a direct confrontation)

44. (E8) Dennis flinches when the phone cuts off abruptly. He feeds a video loop to All Eyes, checks cameras until he finds Monica.

45. (E7) Monica keys her phone, listens to it ring.

46. (E7) Paul navigates light traffic. His phone, in his briefcase on the back seat, goes to voice mail.

47. (E6) Monica tries calling Officer Warren.

48. (E7) Dennis touches keys, deactivates the internet.

49. (E8) The phone goes dead mid-ring. Monica goes to an electrical junction box, flips switches to test reaction.

50. (E8) Dennis runs his screens. Several monitors go blank. A touch of fingers and the screens reactivate.

51. (E7) Monica scalds Dennis, refusing his demands to destroy the files, demands he release her.

52. (E5) Dennis can’t bring himself to release the system. He brings up a secondary control screen, initiates GPS tracking.

53. (E4) Monica digs out her phone. Still no bars. She powers down.

54. (E7) The GPS Tracking screen goes blank. Dennis snarls frustration.

55. (E3) Monica checks all windows. The attic window opens but its a sheer 40 ft drop. The basement is likewise locked. She’ll wait for the shift change and call in.

56. (E2) Back at the pantry access, Monica loads fresh batteries into her flashlight, pockets a bottled water.

57. (E2) Monica makes her way past the damaged floor to the dormer window. Tries to rest.

58. (E3) Coco and Warren track down the interrupted call, but Monica’s not answering. Coco will drive by on her way home.

59. (E4) About 10 pm, Dennis hasn’t moved from his seat. Guessing she’s hiding he decides to make his move.

60. (E4) He’s working on the key card access box when Coco rolls up. He says there was a short in the system from the power outage, won’t discuss his clients. She leaves.

61. (E6) Dennis lets himself in, awed by being in the house. He goes to the computer first.

62. (E2) Dennis investigates hiding places he knows about.

63. (E4) Dennis is still searching when his phone activates with a caller at the front gate. Paul is there.

64. (E5) Paul presses the buzzer again, bullies Dennis into letting him in to check on Monica.

65. (E5) Dennis decides having a hostage could benefit him, releases the gate. He follows Paul on the outside monitors.

66. (E6) Paul steps in, nervous in the dark. He cringes when the front door shuts behind him. He’s locked in.

67. (E3) Dennis leaves Paul locked in the vestibule, heads for the basement to check the bomb shelter.

68. (E4) Dennis stays in the door, clearly not comfortable here. Nothing stored here but music CDs.

69. (E3) Dennis rummages through drawers. His phone runs security cameras looping the rooms.

70. (E4) Monica jolts out of her doze, stretches stiff limbs. She gets teary over a box of mementos. Huffing her tears under control, she pockets the reel, finds her shoes and flashlight.

71. (E7) Monica washes her hands, splashes water on her face. A FLOORBOARD CREAKS in the hall. Up the hall, a tall figure separates itself from the dark.

72. (E7) Monica slides out along the wall, eyes on the figure well ahead of her. One step at a time, she backs to the next room door, lets herself in.

73. (E4) Monica slips inside, darts into the passage.

74. (E4) Calming, she darts to the window, leans way out to look around the grounds below. Is that a car down there?

75. (E5) Monica exits the passage, uses a flicker of light to access the All Eyes call button.

76. (E8) Dennis startles at the call ring. It’s Monica, demanding how he let someone in the house, but she won’t say where she is. She finds Anderson security call line is still active, calls for help.

77. (E7) Alison has Jennifer give the info to the cops, nothing more.

78. (E4) Warren is not happy to catch the call to check. **Is this a duplicate. We have Coco meeting Dennis at the gate already?

79. (E3) Monica tries the back door, locked tight. She looks around, pulls a knife from a block on the counter.

80. (E6) Monica heads to the front door. She keys the inside lock, surprised to find Paul inside. He’s angry that she didn’t leave when he told her to.

81. (E4) Monica leads Paul to the attic to hide.

82. (E6) Dennis catches a report of cops coming in.

83. (E9) Dennis works on the keypad box. A patrol car glides up. Dennis dissuades Warren from going to the house. Warren calls in his false alarm report.

84. (E6) Monica returns to the control box, gets Jeff Anderson on the line. Where are my cops? He calls All Eyes, stays on the line until Sam realizes they don’t have control of the house. Monica uses the passage to go to the living room.

85. (E5) Listening to a police band, Coco’s grabbing her clothes on, intending to be at Monica’s if anything goes down. Gets a report of activity at Dennis’ place.

86. (E7) Paul heads downstairs to look for Monica.

87. (E8)

Dennis lets himself in, guided by a light from his phone. Monica catches a brief flash of light. She keeps out of sight, grabs Mom’s riot stick. Dennis is moving slowly, his back to her. Monica sneaks up behind, scores a glancing hit, then a second to drop him. Monica beelines to the secret panel, darts in, pulls the door shut behind herself. Dennis follows, pops into the passage.

88. (E8) Surprised at being followed, Monica makes her way upstairs in a hurry. She almost stumbles into the police tape. Inspiration! She rips it down, keeps going.

Following her flashlight, Dennis steps onto the bad boards, catching his leg to the knee.

89. (E6) Dennis limps out of the passage. Paul leans heavily on the wall ahead of him. Dennis smashes him with a plaster vase.

90. (E4) Dennis shoves Paul into the vestibule, shuts the door.

91. (E7) Monica pops out, looks for sanctuary or a weapon. She eyes the bomb shelter door, gets an idea and sets a trap, messing with the lock tumblers.

92. (E9) Dennis explores the bunker warily. Monica rushes him. He twists to catch hold of her weapon. She hangs on, falls on him into the bomb shelter. The door locks.

93. (E8) On the verge of panic, Dennis pushes at the door, tries new tumbler combinations. Monica retreats to a corner, goads him. When he answers and she recognizes his voice she attacks.

Dennis forces Monica to back off, works on the lock, irritation mounting with each failure. Monica taunts him and the argument over who is more wrong continues.

94. (E4) Alison and Sam approach. Warren joins them. Sam knocks, ignoring Alison’s look. She brings out keys, fits one to the door lock.

95. (E6) The trio stop just inside, listen, look. Searching, they find the computer set up – Alison’s worst nightmare. Sam works to rescind Dennis’ control. Warren races over to Monica’s.

96. (E3) Paul tries one combination after another. The camera light turns blue and Sam tells him help is on the way.

97. (E4) Monica fights fatigue, tries to rattle Dennis with descriptions of oxygen deprivation.

98. (E4) Cop cars, a Fire Engine and EMT van all wait to see if Coco can override or short circuit the lock. An All Eyes Security van pulls up.

99. (E8) The emergency lights flutter with waning power. Dennis spins the tumblers faster, loses his temper when Monica flicks a cigarette lighter at him. The arguing resumes.

100. (E4) Jeff Anderson pulls up, gets through the police line to the gate box. He scowls the Tech away, uses his own tools to release the gate in short order.

101. (E4) Anderson and Coco work at the front door to break the lock. Paul bolts out, falls into Anderson’s arms.

102. (E5) Paul frets under treatment for dehydration and shock. The surrounding police don’t appear to buy his story of entrapment. Coco leads the way inside.

103. (E7) The face off continues, both flushed with heat exhaustion and aggravated stress, still fighting for dominance. Dennis appears to be winning. Monica’s grief breaks.

104. (E6) The cops converge on the bomb shelter door. Fire fighters go for a torch.

105. (E8) Dennis waits out the noise of rescue, prompts Monica on her confession. At the last minute she rallies and demands his arrest. When he reaches for her Coco shoots him.

106. (E4) Paul waits anxiously at an ambulance, pacing out nerves. Monica is led out of the house, wracked with guilt over Dennis getting shot.

[Patricia Semler]

PAT’S CHARACTER INTROS

What I learned doing this assignment is to try on different aspects like trying on clothes. Something better may come out of the exercise. And resistance is futile once permission to play is extended.

Monica Cassidy

Beats

Monica vents her frustrations with Rosemary by incorporating her antics into her ads.

The opening scene is one of Monica’s ads, featuring Rosemary Cassidy as a widow hiding from a burglar behind a riot stick.

COLIN (V.O.)

Wait. What? A riot stick?

INT. MONICA’S CAR – DAY

Behind the wheel, MONICA CASSIDY (32)drives with controlled urgency in and out of moderate traffic. The set of her jaw would warn anyone that to cut her off is a death wish.

A quick down shift and last second turn puts her off the main road and into a high class residential area.

MONICA

Okay, so how about a baseball bat?

COLIN (V.O.)

That works. I worry about you, Mo.

MONICA

Please. She has a collection. Just last week she beat a wandering trash bag to death.

Houses drift further apart behind wide lawns and fancy fences. Monica slows, leaning in over the wheel.

MONICA

Oh my God.

COLIN (V.O.)

What?

Her speed drops to a crawl as she approaches a gate. 2 cop cars, fire trucks and EMT bus wait just outside, lights flashing. Men poke at the key card box.

MONICA

The Fifth Cavalry is here. Got’ta go.

COLIN (V.O.)

Give the diva my love.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – GATE – DAY

Monica makes her way through the crowd, nods at familiar faces, a professional calm hiding her annoyance. OFFICER WARREN waits at the box.

MONICA

Officer Warren. I’m sorry for the trouble.

WARREN

This is the fifth time this month and we’re only eight days in.

MONICA

Well, I did ask you to Baker Act her ass.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – DAY

Concrete walls, washing machine and dryer tucked into a corner beside a stand alone steel bunker.

Monica leads Warren down the main steps to the door, yanks on the handle. It’s locked. Bangs on the door.

MONICA

Mother!

ROSEMARY (O.S.)

Oh, Monica. Someone tried to break in through the garden hatch.

Warren detours to the near-horizontal barn door at the top of 3 steps at the far end of the basement. He examines the lock, picks up a heavy duty glue bottle, returns to Monica.

WARREN

She epoxied the lock. You’ll have to cut it out.

MONICA

Where did? Never mind. Come on out, Mom and we’ll show you the coast is clear. And don’t play with the tumblers.

After a moment, the lock clicks. Monica lends a hand to open it on well-oiled hinges. ROSEMARY (60s) petite and dressed in her best Martha Stewart ensemble exits, fanning herself.

ROSEMARY

Mercy, I was about to suffocate. Officer Warren, so nice to see you again.

MONICA

Upstairs, lady. Now.

INT./EXT. – BACK PATIO – DAY

Rosemary stays at the kitchen door. Monica and Warren drag up a broken tree limb, drop it.

MONICA

There’s your burglar. You’re supposed to call Sam not the cops.

ROSEMARY

Uh, Sam. The man is useless.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – GATE – DAY

Monica walks Warren back to his car. The other vehicles have left. She juggles her car keys.

WARREN

If this keeps happening the chief could choose to cite you.

MONICA

I could use the vacation. Wait. Tell you what. We have plenty of room and she likes you. Move in. This way you can stop her nonsense before she hits 911. I wouldn’t even charge you rent.

Warren squints at her, alarmed that she’s dead serious. He takes a moment then shakes his head no.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Character story beats

What I learned doing this assignment is to expand my vision and find quirks or intense emotions to upgrade the story. This is a work in progress with so much to think about.

Logline: A grieving adult daughter investigates her home security agent as causing her mother’s untimely death, but she’ll be under his surveillance to do so.

Character profile:

Monica Cassidy

Role: Ad Executive/Daughter

Core character traits:

Stubborn

Angry *CHANGE – This was formally stressed out, but Monica’s really angry about the way her life is right now and has to find the right way to deal with the frustrations.

Intuitive

Action oriented

Character Subtext logline: Monica loves her mom, but resents her thankless obligation to care for her.

Optional

Flaw: her strong sense of self gets in the way of listening to advice

Want/Need: wants freedom from caregiving

Life metaphor/Identity: Daddy’s little helper

Beginning – uses Mom’s delusions as fodder for her ad work

Middle – seeks to prove Dennis caused Mom’s death

End – taunts Dennis as payback

Beats

Monica vents her frustrations with Rosemary by incorporating her antics into her ads. She’s kept Paul at a distance, afraid Mom will ruin her engagement.

When she comes home from a weekend getaway, Mom’s death hits her hard. Feeling guilty she’s miserable until she assumes Dennis is responsible. She needs proof and she’ll get it.

She’s slightly erratic, taunts Dennis until he enters the house, then comes up with a new plan – get him in the bomb shelter. Once inside she doesn’t care how it plays out, she’s going to make him miserable.

Overall story –

Beginning – Monica’s pissed with Rosemary, jets off on a weekend away for spite.

Middle – When she comes back Mom’s dead and she means to prove Dennis is guilty.

End – Time for payback in the bomb shelter. Whatever Dennis can dish out, she’ll return in spades, spiteful, ultimately vindicated, stunned when he’s killed. What the hell happened?

Improvement – Bringing in Detective Rivera, Monica’s anger is primed by the suspicious cop, so when she gets a clue regarding Dennis misbehavior she’s going after him full steam ahead.

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Character 2

Dennis Wiley

Role: Security monitoring agent

Core character traits:

Obsessive

Authoritarian

Compassionate

Lonely

Character Subtext logline: Dennis is a shy loner who found his identity in being a watchdog. **CHANGE – Like Rosemary, Dennis is a recluse and he’s found self-respect in his position, but that hasn’t brought him the love he really craves.

Optional

Flaw: He doesn’t see himself as evil. He’s performing a service, wanted or not.

Want/Need: wants respect, needs to be recognized

Mission/Agenda: protect his clients according to his code of compliance

Character Arc (if any):

World View: his overreach is for the good of the people he protects

Life metaphor/Identity: He is his job. Without this he’s just another nobody.

Secret: he loves Rosemary’s house as his own property

Beginning – Attentive to his clients, he rules their actions with a velvet fist.

Middle – Alarmed by Monica’s accusations he tries to control her.

End – He only wants to preserve his job/his life. He loses both.

Beats

Dennis, at work, prides himself on being a conscientious guardian, even if it means intruding on individual rights. He’s cruel because he cares.

When Monica accuses him of negligence in Rosemary’s death, he’s confident of his innocence, but then he finds the damning last phone call and to preserve his livelihood, he takes illegal steps that culminates in locking Monica in the house to bend her to his will.

Uncharacteristically emotional, Dennis invades the house. Trapped in the bomb shelter he has to battle for self-control over this wildcat. Using all his influence he finally gets her to submit, loses at the last moment.

Overall story –

Dennis dotes on his clients, sometimes to excess, but all in the name of concern for their welfare.

He’s humiliated when Monica accuses him of negligence, alarmed when she taunts him with threats of getting evidence.

Entering the house he’s locked into a duel with Monica that only one of them can win.

Improvement – Dennis was too passive, too confident of his position, so I’m pushing his buttons by having Monica accost him at his place of employment. This ultimate humiliation informs all his actions once he finds the damning phone call.

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Character 3

Rosemary Cassidy

Role: mother to Monica

Core character traits:

Paranoid

Opinionated

Manipulative

Narcistic

Character Subtext logline: A self-styled Southern Belle Rosemary isn’t well educated, expects to be sheltered. **CHANGE_ A wallflower over-shadowed by a domineering mother she got attention by being helpless. This may or may not come out in dialogue, but it certainly explains a lot about her personality, making her sympathetic.

Optional

Flaw: rudely defensive of her opinions, susceptible to conspiracy theories

Want/Need: attention

World View: the world is a dangerous place, people are untrustworthy

Secret: She’s capable of doing for herself, she simply prefers to be waited on.

Something they don’t want to admit: she’s ignorant and behind the times

What makes this character unique?

Beats

Rosemary’s petty, easily frightened by wild stories.

She antagonizes Monica by chasing Paul from the house.

Putting herself into a tizzy she’s rejected by Dennis, neglects her meds and slips into an insulin fog that ends in a coma and death

Rosemary needs order. When Monica doesn’t meet her standards she relies on Dennis to confirm her worries and provide counsel. She won’t say it, but she dreads Monica getting married and leaving her to fend for herself.

So she dumps coffee on Paul. That and he did insult her. She had to defend her own honor.

But Monica left, then the news reported on e-coli scares. Toss out the food in the house. Then that scare about medicines. No way is she going to take pills she detests in the first place.

It becomes foggy after that. Cleaning the house, scaring herself with a shadow that looks like a night burglar. Dennis wouldn’t listen, Toss the meds. Yes, toss the meds, and hide.

Overall story –

Rosemary’s escalating bad behavior is designed to keep Monica from leaving the nest.

When Monica leaves her on her own, she neglects her diabetes meds, slides into a fog, then scares herself with delusions of home invasions.

When Dennis cuts her off, she takes the only precautions she knows – hiding, slips into death.

Improvement – Rosemary’s backstory improved to explain her attitude. How this comes into the story I’m still working on.

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Character 4

Paul Thornton

Role: Monica’s fiance`

Core character traits:

Playful

Compassionate

Sardonic

Insightful

Character Subtext logline: Paul wants to be helpful to Monica, won’t buy into Rosemary’s neediness

Optional

Mission/Agenda: To get Monica to see she’s an enabler and get professional help for Mom

Character Arc (if any): His patience strains to the breaking point

**CHANGE – Paul was a passive character in the original draft. He needs to be much stronger to be Monica’s equal. Showing more of his anger and annoyance will combat this.

What makes this character unique? He can push Monica’s buttons as well as Rosemary, to help her set boundaries.

Beginning – Paul is doing his best to get Monica to see how she enables Rosemary’s behavior

Middle – He gets her away on a weekend alone, supports her when they return to find Rosemary dead.

End – Trapped in the house he’s angry over Monica’s insistence on pursuing her vendetta

Beats –

Paul forces Monica’s hand to meet Rosemary, undeterred by her behavior, gets Monica to agree to a getaway.

He checks on Monica when she looks for evidence, warns her to get out.

When he comes to the house, Dennis locks him in the foyer. He’s further irritated when Monica seems hellbent on taking this vendetta to the bitter end.

Overall story –

Paul wants Monica, ready to charm Rosemary, gets her for a weekend

He acts the supportive friend, warns her about staying in the house

Trapped by Dennis, he’s had enough of these crazy people

Improvement – Paul’s dialogue is going to get focused on to showcase his self confidence and annoyance with Monica’s bull headed vendetta.

Character 5

Coco Rivera (New character to this story)

Role: Police detective who investigates Rosemary’s death

Core character traits:

Suspicious

Bull-headed

Conservative

biased

Character Subtext logline: She immediately feels for Rosemary, determines to convict Monica

Of elder abuse.

Optional

Flaw: reluctant to give up her first impressions

Want/Need:

Mission/Agenda: to solve this case and get justice for Rosemary

Character Arc (if any): Coco has to overcome her latent class hostility to be an honest investigator

World View: us v them along racial and social class lines

Life metaphor/Identity: **CHANGE – She’s an advocate for elder care and rights. Coming from a close knit family she takes any insult to seniors personally, knows its usually a family member causing the grief.

Secret:

Something they don’t want to admit: She’s the same driven woman as Monica.

What makes this character unique? A Cuban-American detective in Miami.

Beginning – Brought in to investigate Rosemary’s death, she immediately suspects Monica Middle – Coco continues her digging, convinced Monica is guilty of elder abuse End – She’s faced with a split second decision of who to help in the bomb shelter

Beats

Coco takes an instant dislike to Monica, looks for evidence of elder abuse. Her cool exchanges with Monica only serve to convince her she’s right.

She continues to gather background information, slanting all notes to support her theory.

At the house, Paul gives a brief rundown of the trouble with Dennis. Entering the bomb shelter she’s faced with the choice of shooting Monica or Dennis.

Overall story –

Coco immediately suspects Monica of elder abuse

She gathers information, looking for definite proof, ignoring misgivings.

Faced with the struggle in the bomb shelter, she hesitates, finally gives in to instincts and shoots Dennis.

Improvements to be determined.

[Patricia Semler]

This might be a duplicate post. I couldn’t find it before. Enjoy.

Pat’s Character profiles

What I learned doing this lesson is to dig a little deeper and give my characters lives beyond the needs of the story. I’m also introducing a Latin female character in a role normally given to a white male. We’ll see what kind of sparks this generates. It also tells me my antagonist needs to be stronger still.

Logline: A grieving adult daughter investigates her home security agent as causing her mother’s untimely death, but she’ll be under his surveillance to do so.

Character profile:

Monica Cassidy

Role: Ad Executive/Daughter

Core character traits:

Stubborn

Angry *CHANGE – This was formally stressed out, but Monica’s really angry about the way her life is right now and has to find the right way to deal with the frustrations.

Intuitive

Action oriented

Character Subtext logline: Monica loves her mom, but resents her thankless obligation to care for her.

Optional

Flaw: her strong sense of self gets in the way of listening to advice

Want/Need: wants freedom from caregiving

Mission/Agenda:

Character Arc (if any):

World View:

Life metaphor/Identity: Daddy’s little helper

Secret:

Something they don’t want to admit:

What makes this character unique?

Character 2

Dennis Wiley

Role: Security monitoring agent

Core character traits:

Obsessive

Authoritarian

Compassionate

Lonely

Character Subtext logline: Dennis is a shy loner who found his identity in being a watchdog. **CHANGE – Like Rosemary, Dennis is a recluse and he’s found self-respect in his position, but that hasn’t brought him the love he really craves.

Optional

Flaw: He doesn’t see himself as evil. He’s performing a service, wanted or not.

Want/Need: wants respect, needs to be recognized

Mission/Agenda: protect his clients according to his code of compliance

Character Arc (if any):

World View: his overreach is for the good of the people he protects

Life metaphor/Identity: He is his job. Without this he’s just another nobody.

Secret: he loves Rosemary’s house as his own property

Something they don’t want to admit: that his methods are intrusive

What makes this character unique?

Character 3

Rosemary Cassidy

Role: mother to Monica

Core character traits:

Paranoid

Opinionated

Manipulative

Narcistic

Character Subtext logline: A self-styled Southern Belle Rosemary isn’t well educated, expects to be sheltered. **CHANGE_ A wallflower over-shadowed by a domineering mother she got attention by being helpless. This may or may not come out in dialogue, but it certainly explains a lot about her personality, making her sympathetic.

Optional

Flaw: rudely defensive of her opinions, susceptible to conspiracy theories

Want/Need: attention

Mission/Agenda:

Character Arc (if any):

World View: the world is a dangerous place, people are untrustworthy

Life metaphor/Identity:

Secret: She’s capable of doing for herself, she simply prefers to be waited on.

Something they don’t want to admit: she’s ignorant and behind the times

What makes this character unique?

Character 4

Paul

Role: Monica’s fiance`

Core character traits:

Playful

Compassionate

Sardonic

Insightful

Character Subtext logline: Paul wants to be helpful to Monica, won’t buy into Rosemary’s neediness

Optional

Flaw:

Want/Need:

Mission/Agenda: To get Monica to see she’s an enabler and get professional help for Mom

Character Arc (if any): His patience strains to the breaking point

**CHANGE – Paul was a passive character in the original draft. He needs to be much stronger to be Monica’s equal. Showing more of his anger and annoyance will combat this.

World View:

Life metaphor/Identity:

Secret:

Something they don’t want to admit:

What makes this character unique? He can push Monica’s buttons as well as Rosemary, to help her sete boundaries.

Character 5

Coco Rivera (New character to this story)

Role: Police detective who investigates Rosemary’s death

Core character traits:

Suspicious

Bull-headed

Conservative

biased

Character Subtext logline: She immediately feels for Rosemary, determines to convict Monica

Of elder abuse.

Optional

Flaw: reluctant to give up her first impressions

Want/Need:

Mission/Agenda: to solve this case and get justice for Rosemary

Character Arc (if any): Coco has to overcome her latent class hostility to be an honest investigator

World View: us v them along racial and social class lines

Life metaphor/Identity: **CHANGE – She’s an advocate for elder care and rights. Coming from a close knit family she takes any insult to seniors personally, knows its usually a family member causing the grief.

Secret:

Something they don’t want to admit: She’s the same driven woman as Monica.

What makes this character unique? A Cuban-American detective in Miami.

[Patricia Semler]

Hi classmates, unfortunately life has intervened for my partner, Tom. He has a family crisis to deal with. He may be back, he may not. I have no further information. That leaves me without a sounding board. Is anyone here still looking for a partner? Is anyone available to take on another critique? Thanks Pat

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Story Beats
What I’ve learned doing this assignment is to whittle out the
small details. New ideas are working their way in to up the
tension. Not all are in place yet. I did find two sequences that were out of order and fixed that.

Logline – A grieving woman believes her home security agent
is responsible for her mother’s sudden death, and to prove it
must put herself under his scrutiny while searching for
evidence.

INT./EXT. MANSION – NIGHT
A burglar targets a lonely Victorian mansion and the old
woman inside. She hides in a closet gripping a riot stick.

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY
Monica and Colin are working up a new ad for All Eyes
Security based on one of Monica’s mother’s freak-outs. He
worries about Monica’s snarky attitude.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Mom Rosemary calls with the latest conspiracy theory. Monica
scolds her about watching trash and not taking her diabetes
meds, signs off.

INT. ADVERTISING CO – BREAK ROOM – DAY
Monica vents her frustrations to fiancé Paul. He dares her to
take off on a weekend getaway. She opts for a dinner at home
instead.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY
Ever-vigilant Dennis consoles Rosemary over the sudden dinner
plans. He then works with Miss Ann, coldly authoritarian in
confining her to the house.
EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
An elegant three story Victorian, with locked storm shutters
and a key pad entry way into an airlock sized vestibule.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Monica introduces Paul to the 8 bedrooms, secret passages and
a cold war era bomb shelter. Dinner goes well until Rosemary
overhears a cutting remark and dumps coffee on Paul.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Monica apologizes for Rosemary then spitefully decides to
take up Paul’s offer of the getaway.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rosemary worries over reports of food tampering, complains to
Dennis about Monica taking off.

EXT. CABIN CRUISER – NIGHT
Monica has misgivings about leaving Mom alone. There’s no
phone service and Paul accuses her of being an enabler.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
Dennis lives in a cottage house on the neighboring estate,
with a full scale mock up of his work station, detailed
drawings of Rosemary’s house and internet access.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Rosemary neglects her diabetes meds, starts a slide into
fogginess. Day agent Sam is no help to her delusions.

EXT. CABIN CRUISER – DAY
Monica starts to relax for the first time in forever.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion,
interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off
with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Dennis’ client, Miss Ann, escapes the house despite his best
efforts. He’s upset about losing his perfect record and Miss
Ann’s defiance and forgets Rosemary’s call.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
Returning home, Dennis is still angry, doesn’t do his normal
check in on Rosemary from his home set up.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead. Officer
Warren is well acquainted with Rosemary’s antics. He suspects
foul play, but thinks Monica is the perpetrator. (I’m adding
a detective to lead the investigation)

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Office manager Alison debriefs the agents on Rosemary’s
death. All Eyes has been cleared of any wrong doing.

INT. ADVERTISING CO – MONICA’S OFFICE – DAY
Monica is determined to be tough in her grief. Then Sam drops
by to offer condolences. When he vaguely hints Dennis
overstepped his duty she assumes Dennis is guilty and heads
to the house to look for evidence.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Monica starts her search of Mom’s paranoid recordings. Upset
by Dennis and Rosemary’s kibbutzing about her, she berates
him over the monitors.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – DAY
Dennis has no reason to believe he’s culpable, but looks
through records anyway.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Monica gets to the last phone call and there it is, “If
you’re having an issue throw your meds out and call your
doctor”. But first she has to investigate a noise upstairs.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Dennis finds the same call on a redundant system. It’s not a
smoking gun but still worrisome. He edits the tape, then
checks for Monica. Not at the computer. He hacks in to edit
her version.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Monica finds a slightly open window and a broken vase. She
cleans up the mess.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – NIGHT
Dennis finishes his work, shuts down the connection.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Monica returns to the desk, exhausted. Shuts the computer and
heads to bed.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAY
Refreshed, Monica can’t find the recording. There’s the
conversation, but she heard more. Paul calls to check on her.
They find the outside hack. He tells her to get out.
She’s packing up when she finds the reel to reel tape
recorder. With that tape she doesn’t need the computer file.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – DAY
Monica yanks the drawer open. CD discs skitter into a sloppy
pile – all music albums. She addresses the funerary urn. You
moved their hiding spot! Then the electric goes out.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Monica calls the power company, gets a recording of the
outage. Grabbing a flashlight she starts a search.

MONTAGE:
HALL – Get emergency lights going.
SEWING ROOM – Piles of material stack the tables. DINING ROOM – Monica empties a credenza of silverware and
good plates.
BEDROOM – Stripped down to a tank top and shorts in the heat,
Monica turns out dressers, checks closets.
SMALL BEDROOM – Windows opened bare cracks don’t help any.
Monica drinks some water, splashes more on her face.
KITCHEN – The empty take-out carton tops the trash can.
STORE ROOM – Chests and plastic storage bins are lined up,
tops off to reveal contents. A frustrated Monica leaves
everything as is, heads out.
DAD’S OFFICE – Last area, full of bittersweet memories.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis wakes, gets ready for work.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAD’S OFFICE – DAY
Monica sags against the couch. A flopping arm hits a hidden
cache and she has her tapes.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – DAY
Fresh from a shower, Monica unhooks the hard drive, plugs in
a flash drive.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis checks the computer. Warning lights show his access to
Mom’s computer is gone. He brings up the house monitors,
finds Monica packing up computer files.
Without conscious thought, he locks the doors, calls in sick.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis feeds a video loop to All Eyes, checks cameras until
he finds Monica.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Monica can’t open the door, calls in to All Eyes.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis’ phone buzzes. He logs on.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
Monica demands release. Dennis misrepresents the outage as
out of his control and she has to wait. Meanwhile he does all
he can to ease into her confidence. (This is a change from a
direct confrontation)

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis flinches when the phone cuts off abruptly.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – DAY
Monica keys her phone, listens to it ring.

INT. PAUL’S CAR – DAY
Paul navigates light traffic. His phone, in his briefcase on
the back seat, rings.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis touches keys, deactivates the internet.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – DAY
Monica’s phone goes dead mid-ring. She goes to an electrical
junction box, flips switches to test reaction.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis runs his screens. Several monitors go blank. A touch
of fingers and the screens reactivate.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
Dennis can’t bring himself to release the system. He brings
up a secondary control screen, initiates a GPS tracking
program.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DOWNSTAIRS PASSAGE – DAY
Monica digs out her phone. Still no bars. She powers down.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – DAY
The GPS Tracking screen goes blank. Dennis snarls
frustration.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DOWNSTAIRS PASSAGE – DAY
Monica checks all windows. The attic window opens but its a
sheer 40 ft drop. The basement is likewise locked. She’ll
wait for the shift change and call in.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DOWNSTAIRS PASSAGE – DAY
Back at the pantry access, Monica loads fresh batteries into
her flashlight, pockets a bottled water.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica makes her way past the damaged floor to the dormer
window. Tries to rest.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – BED ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis hasn’t moved from his seat. Guessing she’s hiding he
decides to make his move.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – FOYER – NIGHT
Dennis lets himself in, awed by being in the house. He goes
to the computer first.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – SEWING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis investigates hiding places he knows about.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis is still searching when his phone activates with a
caller at the front gate. Paul is there.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Paul presses the buzzer again, bullies Dennis into letting
him in to check on Monica.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis decides having a hostage could benefit him, releases
the gate. He follows Paul on the outside monitors.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – VESTIBULE – NIGHT
Paul steps in, nervous in the dark. He cringes when the front
door shuts behind him. He’s locked in.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis leaves Paul locked in the vestibule, heads for the
basement to check the bomb shelter.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis stays in the door, clearly not comfortable here.
Nothing stored here but music CDs.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – DAD’S OFFICE – NIGHT
Dennis rummages through drawers. His phone runs security
cameras looping the rooms.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica jolts out of her doze, stretches stiff limbs. She gets
teary over a box of mementos. Huffing her tears under
control, she pockets the reel, finds her shoes and
flashlight.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BATH ROOM – NIGHT
Monica washes her hands, splashes water on her face. A
FLOORBOARD CREAKS in the hall. Up the hall, a tall figure
separates itself from the dark.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
Monica slides out along the wall, eyes on the figure well
ahead of her. One step at a time, she backs to the next room
door, lets herself in.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – SMALL BEDROOM – NIGHT
Monica slips inside, darts into the passage.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Calming, she darts to the window, leans way out to look
around the grounds below. Is that a car down there?

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LOWER HALL – NIGHT
A door eases open. Monica slithers out, listening. She uses a
flicker of light to access the call button.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
Dennis startles at the call ring. It’s Monica, demanding how
he let someone in the house, but she won’t say where she is.
She finds Anderson security call line is still active, calls
for help.

INT. ALL EYES SECURITY – MONITOR ROOM – NIGHT
Alison has Jennifer give the info to the cops, nothing more.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
Monica tries the back door, locked tight. She looks around,
pulls a knife from a block on the counter.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – FOYER – NIGHT
Monica heads to the front door. She keys the inside lock,
surprised to find Paul inside. He’s angry that she didn’t
leave when he told her to.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica leads Paul to the attic to hide. INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Dennis runs a diagnostic on his laptop. The redundant
security system highlights.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Outside the gate, Dennis works on the keypad box. A patrol
car glides up. Officer Warren questions Dennis. Dennis
dissuades him from going to the house.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – NIGHT
Monica returns to the control box, gets Jeff Anderson on the
line. Where are my cops? He calls All Eyes, stays on the line
until Sam realizes they don’t have control of the house.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Paul heads downstairs to look for Monica.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – HALL – NIGHT
Monica places a second call to Anderson. This time Jeff plays
intermediary. Sam finds that their system has bee overridden.
Monica closes the panel and breaks the lock.

UPPER HALL
Dennis finds his way, guided by a light from his phone.

FOYER
Monica catches a brief flash of light upstairs. She darts to
the living room, grabs Mom’s riot stick, hides. Dennis comes down the stairs. When his back is to her, Monica
sneaks up behind, scores a glancing hit as he turns.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Monica beelines to the secret panel, darts in, pulls the door
shut behind herself. Dennis follows, pops into the passage.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPSTAIRS PASSAGEWAY – NIGHT
Monica makes her way through. She almost stumbles into the
police tape. Inspiration! She rips it down, retreats.
Following her flashlight, Dennis steps onto the bad boards,
catching his leg to the knee.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – UPPER HALL – NIGHT
Dennis limps out of the passage. Paul leans heavily on the
wall ahead of him. Dennis smashes him with a plaster vase.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – FOYER – NIGHT
Dennis puts Paul into the vestibule, shuts the door.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT
Monica pops out, looks for sanctuary or a weapon. She eyes
the bomb shelter door, gets an idea and sets a trap, messing
with the lock tumblers. Dennis goes to the bunker door.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis stumbles, twists to catch hold of Monica’s weapon. She
hangs on, falls on him into the bomb shelter. The door locks.

EXT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
Alison and Sam approach. Sam knocks, ignoring her look. She
brings out keys, searches, fits one to the door lock.

INT. GUEST HOUSE – NIGHT
The pair stop just inside, listen, look. Searching, they find
the computer set up – Alison’s worst nightmare. Sam works to
rescind Dennis’ control.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
On the verge of panic, Dennis pushes at the door, tries new
tumbler combinations. Monica retreats to a corner, goads him.
When he answers and she recognizes his voice she attacks him.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – VESTIBULE – NIGHT
Paul tries one combination after another. The camera light
turns blue and Sam tells him help is on the way.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis forces Monica to back off, works on the lock,
irritation mounting with each failure. Monica taunts him and
the argument over who is more wrong continues.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Cop cars, a Fire Engine and EMT van all wait to see if
Officer Warren can override or short circuit the lock. An All
Eyes Security van pulls up.
INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Monica fights fatigue, tries to rattle Dennis with
descriptions of oxygen deprivation.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – FRONT GATE – NIGHT
Jeff Anderson pulls up, gets through the police line to the
gate box. He scowls the Tech away, uses his own tools to
release the gate in short order.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
The emergency lights flutter with waning power. Dennis spins
the tumblers faster, loses his temper when Monica flicks a
cigarette lighter at him. The arguing resumes.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Anderson and Officer Warren work at the front door to break
the lock. Paul bolts out, falls into Warren’s arms.

INT. AMBULANCE – NIGHT
Paul frets under treatment for dehydration and shock. The
surrounding police don’t appear to buy his story of
entrapment.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
The face off continues, both flushed with heat exhaustion and
aggravated stress, still fighting for dominance. Dennis
appears to be winning. Monica’s grief breaks.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BASEMENT – NIGHT
The cops converge on the bomb shelter door. Fire fighters go
for a torch.

INT. MOM’S HOUSE – BOMB SHELTER – NIGHT
Dennis waits the noise of rescue, prompts Monica on her
admission of error. At the last minute she rallies and
demands his arrest. When he reaches for her the cop shoots
him.

EXT. MOM’S HOUSE
Paul waits anxiously at an ambulance, pacing out nerves.
Monica is led out of the house by a COP. She’s wracked with
guilt over Dennis’ death.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Basic structure Version 1

What I’ve learned doing this assignment is …. Its tougher than it looks. Everything seems to be in place and working. What could I possibly change? So instead of action I opted to modify behaviors and relationships. This should add some depth and surprises.

The Sixth Stage of Grief

Logline – To relieve her own guilty conscience, a grieving adult daughter looks for evidence that her home security agent contributed to her mother’s untimely death.

Opening – We meet Rosemary as the star of daughter Monica’s ads for home security systems. The relationship behind the ads is tense. Mom is a shrew, Monica her long suffering aide.

Inciting incident – Security agent Dennis Wiley displays an overreaching hand in dealing with another of his clients. He takes his pride in work, obsessive about his authority.

By page 10 – Rosemary has a positive relationship with Dennis, as needy of authority as he is willing to control her life.

First turning point at end of act 1 – Paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion, interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does. When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead.

Mid-point – Monica returns to work with a guilty conscience. When a sympathetic agent vaguely hints Dennis was lax she latches onto the idea of him being guilty and heads to the house to look for evidence.

Second turning at end of Act 2 – Alarmed by Monica’s determination, Dennis impulsively locks her in the house he controls, does everything he can to get her under his control.

Crisis – Dennis enters the house, locks Monica’s boyfriend in a room to use as leverage, but only incenses Monica into a chase through the house.

Climax – They wind up locked in a cold war era bomb shelter where they go at each other in a psychological duel for dominance.

Resolution – Dog tired, emotionally spent, Monica seems to yield to Dennis at long last, but when firefighters and cops finally get the door open, she lays all blame on Dennis which results in the cop shooting him. Retribution comes at a high price.

New outline

Opening – We meet Mom Rosemary as the star of daughter Monica’s ads for home security systems. The relationship behind the ads is tense. Mom is an easily spooked, attention seeking recluse. Monica resents that Dad made caring for Rosemary her obligation. For all her education Monica doesn’t recognize how she enables Rosemary’s neediness.

Inciting incident – Security agent Dennis Wiley displays an overreaching hand in dealing with another of his clients. He takes his pride in work, seeing his guardianship as a necessary evil for the good of his people.

By page 10 – Rosemary depends on Dennis to treat her freak-outs as true emergencies. His ego is stoked by her acceptance of his authority, unlike some of his other clients. He quietly inserts wedges between Rosemary and Monica.

First turning point at end of act 1 – When Monica takes off on a surprise weekend getaway, paranoid Rosemary calls Dennis with another phantom delusion, interrupting him in a true emergency. He curtly cuts her off with an admonition to dump her meds, which she does. When Monica returns to check in, Rosemary’s dead.

Mid-point – Devastated with guilt, Monica will take any reprieve. When a sympathetic agent vaguely hints Dennis overstepped his duty she assumes he’s as least as guilty and heads to the house to look for evidence.

Second turning at end of Act 2 – Alarmed by Monica’s determination, Dennis impulsively locks her in the house he controls during a power outage. He misrepresents the outage as out of his control and she has to wait. Meanwhile he does all he can to ease into her confidence. For a while it works but she’s alarmed by how familiar he is with the house when he directs her on her clean up efforts. But now she can’t get out. He’s cut off her phone and decoyed his own company with a satellite operation in his apartment. Monica’s only recourse is to taunt him into coming in after her.

Crisis – Dennis decoys a police drive by then enters the house. He traps Monica’s boyfriend in a room to use as leverage, but this only incenses Monica into a chase through the house.

Climax – They wind up locked in a cold war era bomb shelter where they go at each other in a psychological duel for dominance.

Resolution – Dog tired, emotionally spent, Monica’s grief explodes out of her control. She seems to yield to Dennis at long last, but when firefighters and cops finally get the door open, she was only playing possum and lays all blame on Dennis which results in the cop shooting him. And now she’s guilty of causing his death. Retribution comes at a high price.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s logline and One Page!

What I learned doing this assignment is to pick out the trailer moments that tell the story.

Title – The Sixth Stage of Grief

Logline; To relieve her own guilty conscience, a grieving adult daughter sets out to prove her home security monitor contributed to her mother’s untimely death.

In advertising, fear sells. Brittle Ad Executive Monica Cassidy (33) has an edge on writing her security systems ads. Mom Rosemary is a textbook paranoid hiding in her Victorian mansion, replete with secret passages, a Cold War era bomb shelter and pervasive security monitoring.

Rosemary (late 60s) is a selfish Southern Belle handicapped by multiple phobias and adult-onset diabetes. Since her father died, Monica’s played caretaker and she’s had enough.

One insult too many and Monica retaliates by accepting her boyfriend’s invitation to an extended weekend getaway. She’s confident Rosemary’s pet security attendant, Dennis, is up to the task.

A diffident loner, Dennis (50s) lives for his job, overseeing his clients with an obsessive need for order. He indulges Rosemary but even he has his limits. When one of Rosemary’s freak-outs interrupts him handling a true emergency, Dennis curtly dismisses her.

Left to fend for herself, all Rosemary remembers is Dennis saying throw your meds out. So, she does, and spirals down into an insulin coma. When Monica gets home, Mom’s dead.

An offhand remark from a sympathetic security monitor leads Monica to believe Dennis was at fault and she embarks on a vendetta to find proof of culpability. Except to do so she’ll be under his observation.

Dennis is unnerved by her passion and accusations. His first panicked impulse is to lock her in the house he controls. He can’t bring himself to do the right thing by releasing her and the cat and mouse games play out over a weekend as they for dominance.

Monica doesn’t know that Dennis runs a satellite operation from his apartment on the neighboring property, complete with looped videos to evade accidental discovery.

Furious, Monica taunts Dennis until he dares enter the house, then she leads him on a chase, culminating with them getting locked in the bomb shelter.

Here these master manipulators roller coaster through the five stages of grief for the upper hand as they wait for rescue. Her grief/guilt finally breaking, Monica seems to succumb, agreeing to absolve him of wrongdoing. But when the door finally opens, she denounces him. He grabs her.

Monica has a split-second glance at the cop’s raised pistol to regret her vindictiveness before Dennis is shot dead. So, who won?

Nobody wins when the sixth stage of grief is retribution.

[Patricia Semler]

Hi all. I’m Pat Semler

I’ve written 16+ scripts, some not so good, some written in a variety of Hal’s classes. Writing is therapy so its an ongoing river.

I’m looking forward to enhancing my rewrites to make the process faster and elevate material to gain requests for reads.

Something unusual – I work at an Orlando theme park. For 12 of those years I was a pyrotechnic show technician, setting out the product we used in our show and lighting a performer on fire for the finale.

[Patricia Semler]

Patricia Semler

I agree to the terms of this release form.

[Patricia Semler]

Hi Nick,

If you’re ready for feedback I’m open. Patriciasemler@gmail.com

[Patricia Semler]

Thanks for the great notes, Jerry. I see points where I can add some background for clarity.

[Patricia Semler]

Thanks for the great notes, Gayla. I hope my notes to you helped elevate Starlight Cafe to even greater heights. Such a fun project.

Pat

[Patricia Semler]

Hi Jerry,

If you’re still looking for a partner, I’ll exchange feedback with you.

patriciasemler@gmail.com

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s Big Picture Open Loops

What I learned doing this assignment is this method of puzzle solving isn’t working for me. I had to lay out the basics of my pilot episode to have some idea of where this story is going. The suggestions I’m getting from AI aren’t helping all that much. I see a lot of repetition and blasé character traits that wouldn’t sustain this kind of writing. I’m working on it.

ASSIGNMENT 1

1. Think about your Example Show. Make a list of the Big Picture open loops that were established early in the season.

2. Go back and watch the pilot again. As you do, notice how many open loops are being used to create the need to see future episodes.

Wednesday loops –

There’s a monster in town what is it, how do we catch it?

Wednesday is put in Nevermore as a last resort. She wants out but an attempt on her life and rescue by the Hyde intrigue her enough to dig into what’s going on.

Several introductions are made – Bianca, Xavier, Enid, Miss Thornhill. Who will become an ally and who an opponent?

The origin of the town itself has a dark side to its history.

The Sheriff dearly wants to arrest Gomez for a murder back when he was a student at Nevermore.

ASSIGNMENT 2:

1. Use this list to brainstorm big picture open loops for your first season that you will use to keep the audience captivated.

GOALS:

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[Patricia Semler]

Hi Jerry, Glad to see you here. We can catch up. Pat

[Patricia Semler]

Hi Alan, I feel the same about keeping up the pace. I’m enjoying this rewrite process on this script more than I thought I needed. Yes, I’d be happy to exchange scripts at the finale.

I’ve been skimming through the posts, so I’ll make the effort to attend to yours before we get there.

Pat

[Patricia Semler]

Hi Demethress, my name is Pat. I’ve taken several SU classes. To answer your questions. In all Hal’s previous classes we respond to each other by posting feedback underneath/connected to the original post. It used to be one long page of email chains. This new format makes it easier to track. Also, to get the class instructions before the email you can look it up by tapping on Your Screenwriting Classes and going to The rewrite class. They’ll all be in there. Something new added there as well, a check in to ensure you’re doing the classes in order.

You can also private message by tapping the envelope icon in the top right corner of the page if you prefer to keep your notes private. Hope this helps.

[Patricia Semler]

Pat’s review

89 Days

This is one tough drama you’re tackling. The biggest problem for me as a reader is I don’t have an emotional investment in Terry to care that he survives this ordeal. Let’s try hitting all the emotional stops by cutting away some of the details.

First up. Hate to tell you but you can’t start with a flashback. We haven’t seen anything yet. So, either start in that older year then flash forward to Terry’s troubles six years later. A better strategy might be to start with Terry in California with his good job and good life that’s shattered by his wife filing for divorce. This gives us time to see his good side and bring up his drinking problem.

When she pulls her ace of calling the cops on his NH warrant now you can flashback to his drunken brawl from her and the cops’ perspective since he blacked out. This gives us emotional hits to work with.

Then when he’s shifted over to the private Marshalls he hasn’t known hell before but he will now. Is there a reason cops do this? We need to know. Do a quick overview of his fellow prisoners in one sentence. No details, add Terry’s attitude toward people he thinks are beneath him. Keep Angel if this guy is going to be a big influence.

Terry expects a 3 to 5 day trip. Here is where you get into the sadism of the Marshalls as the trip expands into this 3 month odyssey. Hit some specific points here, like the gay man dying which brings up Terry’s issue with his father. He’s starting to re-evaluate his life.

How much of the story is this cross-country trek? How are you maintaining interest in seeing Terry get to NH in one piece? Are there any redeeming qualities to these Marshalls? Try to avoid the phrase and hilarity ensues. For a split second I thought this might be a comedy.

Once he’s delivered to the courthouse his surprise exoneration feels flat. He went through all that for a case dismissed? Couldn’t the judge have done that over zoom or something?

So he’s left penniless and homeless. Why hitchhike to Dad’s house? Is there a way to make this faster, like his sister picking him up because Dad’s dying? They could have a heart to heart on the way. She can bring his focus to your theme without blunting saying that’s what she’s doing.

You have 2 people dying of AIDS in an era where medications are available to mitigate the damage, so what underlying factors are contributing to the deaths?

So now he’s learned these life lessons, probably dried out for the first time in years, ready to get back to his kids. Give him something more. Maybe he follows Angel’s advice and volunteers to mentor AA meetings.

We haven’t changed the story, just shifted focus to where it needs to be – on Terry and his emotional journey of redemption. By the way, what happened with his ex-wife? Might want to see that as a tag before your title crawl re the Marshalls.

[Patricia Semler]

Hi Tom,

Yes, I’m happy to exchange. I’ll look over yours tonight and post notes tomorrow.

Pat