[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy QE process
LOGLINE: A neighbor is shot dead in front of a little girl and her dog. The police believe the father committed the crime.
ESSENCE: I never laid a paw on him.
SCENE: Max Traits

EXT. GEORGE MASCOW’S FRONT YARD – DAY.
BAM!
The crack of a gunshot.
George Mascow is on his back with a bullet hole through his stomach. He looks shocked, as a shadow looms over him and –
BAM! A bullet drills through his head.
LATER…
Police cover the body with a tarp as police tape surrounds the perimeter of the yard.
A cop places a high end Glock in a plastic evidence bag.
In the next yard over, a police Sergeant interviews PHILLIP the next door neighbor.
PHILLIP
Aw man, he was a good neighbor too.
POLICE SERGEANT
You were inside when the shooting occurred, but your daughter was outside?
PHILLIP
That’s right.
Phillip turns and finds his seven year old daughter spinning around in her dress on the lawn. Even though there’s a dead body in the next yard over.
PHILLIP
Brandy can you come over here talk to the nice policeman?
Brandy walks over and stands next to her dad’s leg.
BRANDY
Are we still going to Walmart tonight?
PHILLIP
I don’t know baby, this might take awhile?
BRANDY
But I need my markers for class?
POLICE SERGEANT
Hey, Brandy can you tell me what you were doing out here?
BRANDY
Buck and myself were going for a walk.
POLICE SERGEANT
Buck? Who’s Buck?
Brandy turns and points to a German Shepard panting in the yard.
POLICE SERGEANT
Okay, what did Buck and you witness?
Brandy steps out from her father’s legs and takes center stage.
BRANDY
Well, I was taking Buck out for his walk. He peed on that tree, right there.
She points to the tree.
BRANDY
If you don’t believe me, you can test the tree.
POLICE SERGEANT
I don’t think that’ll be necessary.
BRANDY
I stopped by Mr. Mascow’s yard to show him my new beach ball.
POLICE SERGEANT
How did he react to your beach ball?
BRANDY
He liked it. Wishes he had one.
POLICE SERGEANT
We found it deflated under the lawn mower?
Brandy gets a sad face.
BRANDY
Yeah, it got bumped out of my hands and fell in line with the mower.
POLICE SERGEANT
Who bumped you?
BRANDY
The guy who shot Mr. Mascow.
A police officer brings the Glock handgun to the Sergeant.
POLICE SERGEANT
Do you recognize this firearm?
PHILLIP
Yes, that’s my custom Glock 19 with a 1.5 pound trigger pull?
POLICE SERGEANT
This looks the gun used to kill Mr. Mascow?
PHILLIP
I don’t know how it got here. I keep it locked up in a safe. You know, because of little Miss Curiosity here.
POLICE SERGEANT
Brandy, did the person who shot Mr. Moscow use this weapon?
She nods her head, holds her finger like a gun, turns it sideways like a gangster and POW – POW.
PHILLIP
He held his gun like that? Sounds like a black man to me? That’s what I would be canvassing the neighborhood for?
POLICE SERGEANT
Brandy was it a black man that shot your neighbor?
BRANDY
No, it was my DAD!
She giggles and runs off.
PHILLIP
What? No, it was not me! Kids, so unreliable.
He glances at her wrestling with Buck.
PHILLIP
Why would you say that?
BRANDY
Somebody’s not going to Walmart!
POLICE SERGEANT
She’s right, I’m going to have to take you downtown for processing.
PHILLIP
Wait, what? I’m a taxpayer, you just can’t arrest me?
The Sergeant turns him around and places the bracelets on.
PHILLIP
Come on man. Hey, what if I tell you who in the neighborhood deals in fentanyl?
POLICE SERGEANT
We can talk about that too.
Phillip is loaded into the police car while Brandy pets the head of Buck.
EXT. GEORGE MASCOW’S FRONT YARD – DAY (FLASHBACK)
Brandy walks Buck past George Mascow’s front yard. Buck does indeed pee on the tree, no forensics necessary.
She stops and tosses her beach ball one handed.
It accidentally bounces out and across the path of Mr. Mascow mowing.
He looks at the little girl, then to the ball.
GEORGE
This is for your dog shitting in my yard all the time!
He lifts the front end of the mower and engulfs the ball. It pops!
Buck witnesses this act and growls.
He runs.
Down the sidewalk, across the yard, through the doggy door.
INSIDE HOUSE/BEDROOM
Up the stairs and into the bedroom.
Buck stops at the safe. Takes his paw and presses the buttons.
Beep-Beep-Boop.
Wrong code. Buck tilts his head.
Beep-Beep-Beep.
The door flips open. Buck reaches his muzzle inside and pulls the Glock out by his mouth.
As he is about to go down the stairs, he presses the muzzle of the gun against the rungs and chambers a round.
GEORGE MASCOW'S FRONT YARD
Brandy is crying just as Buck steps up next to her with a pistol in his mouth.
He GROWLS and his muzzle wrinkles back.
The gun fires.
George goes down. Buck steps up for the killing blow and puts one through his head.
He tosses the gun on George’s chest like a used chewed up tennis ball.

• This reply was modified 7 hours, 58 minutes ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy Interest Scene
Hal's Interest Scene
What I learned doing this assignment is it wasn’t a bad thing to break down the script in that way. I do like these writing assignments the best.
LOGLINE: After being screwed over, Jake Klein returns to his boss, Greg Abbot to request a meeting about his review. But what is really happening behind the white flag being flown?

Interest technique ideas:

STRUCTURAL
A. Suspense.
Boss Greg Abbot is really sweating in his suit. Is the meeting with his employee, Jake, really that intense?
B. Major twist.
We will reveal that the boss is tied to a chair with phone cord and duct tape.
C. Surprise.
We learn that outside the door, more employees other than Jake want to take a swing at the boss. Armed with staplers, parts of rolling chairs and even the blade to a paper cutter.
D. Put in a More Interesting Setting
This could be set up in his home, or staged in the back of a bar.
E. Mislead / Reveal.
The set up is Jake going in to see his boss like it was another day at work – mislead. The reveal is his boss is already tied up.
F. Superior Position / Dramatic Irony
Jake knows other employees are waiting just on the other side of the door ready to get revenge on their dick of a boss.
G. Uncertainty — hope / fear
After speaking to Jake they come to an understanding – hope for the boss, However, that quickly falls to fear as it is revealed others behind the door that want to do him harm.
H. Intrigue
Will Jake go through with the torture of his boss?
I. Mystery
The mystery is the why in this situation. What has boss Abott done to make Jake so angry?
J. Cliffhanger
The people shuffling into the room with office weapons and the door closing.
K. Dilemma
Boss Abott can be a better boss, but is it already too late.
L. Something unseen
Obviously, Jake knows others have issue with the Boss as well but never let it be known.
CHARACTER
A. Character changes radically.
Jake will come in to speak about his review as a normal employee would. As we discover the situation his boss is in, he will become more menacing.
B. Betrayal.
Jake betrayed his boss.
C. Dilemma
No matter how this turns out, Jake is probably going away for awhile.
D. Uncomfortable Moment
Jake questions the boss about an affair he had on a copier.
E. Misinterpretation
The boss is surprised at Jake’s anger. Jake is angered by his boss’s obliviousness to his feelings.
DIALOGUE
A. Hook
Once it is revealed that the boss is tied up, the hook is set.
B. Predictions
A line about how being a better manager, a more caring boss might serve you better down the road. A road that is shortly coming to an end.
C. Creating a Future
The boss being tied up creates the future of what is hiding behind the door.
D. Anticipatory Dialogue
Being nice to your employees is beneficial, let’s say in a fire, or an active shooter scenario, collapse of the building. Otherwise, your employees will look the other way and let you die.

Scene:

INT. BOSWICK BUSINESS – OFFICE – DAY.
JAKE KLEIN whistles a little tune as he pours himself a cup of steaming coffee.
He walks past other workers diligently typing away.
He enters.
INT. MANAGER GREG ABOTT’S OFFICE
Jake closes the door behind him and takes the seat in front of his boss.
GREG ABOTT sits behind a desk, a double monitor off to his side. His tie is loose, top two buttons undone and he sweats profusely from his bald head. Even his glasses have fogged up.
JAKE
So my mid-year review, give it to me straight boss. Am I getting a raise?
Greg smiles nervously as he swivels toward the monitors.
GREG
You received a points rating of one point two out of a total of five.
JAKE
Owch, that’s rough.
GREG
Your attendance is fine.
JAKE
Better than fine. I’ve never taken a sick day.
GREG
Uh…look at that, so you have.
JAKE
Isn’t that worth a point?
GREG
Do you want it to be?
JAKE
Do YOU think it’s worth a point?
Greg thinks on this hard, swallows with dry lips.
GREG
No. Attendance is something you should take pride within yourself.
JAKE
How are my performance metrics?
GREG
Adequate. (pause) I would like to see better numbers out of your department though.
JAKE
Of course. You always want a hundred and ten percent when the threshold is a hundred.
GREG
You can always do better.
JAKE
Can you though? (takes a sip of coffee) Am I at least meeting performance standards?
GREG
Barely.
JAKE
So, no point there as well?
GREG
Quarter point.
JAKE
Have I at least met my goals and expectations?
GREG
I will say I was pleasantly surprised by your handling of the MacNamara Report. (clears his dry throat) I thought you did a decent job.
JAKE
There’s that word. Decent. You’ve used words like adequate, fine or barely in my conversation with you. Am I to guess that’s where I fall in overall performance?
Greg shuffles uncomfortably in his chair.
GREG
It is. Just under good enough.
JAKE
Well, it seems odd that myself, Julie, Tanya, Dan, Paul, Michael, Christopher, and Dane would all get a 1.2 percent. The only person to get a full five percent is Gina.
Again Greg clears his throat.
GREG
Gina works very hard. She adds productivity to this group and completes tasks in a timely manner.
JAKE
Tasks, as in your dick?
GREG
Excuse me?
Jake unfolds the scanner copier picture and slides it across the desk.
JAKE
You left one in the scanner. It got jammed while I was printing out your TPS reports.
GREG
I…don’t know…what
JAKE
Shhhhh. Let me tell you like it is. You will give the entire department a five point raise and poor Gina a 1.2.
GREG
Or what? What are you going to do? You think HR will get rid of me or you? Whose the big fish and who’s the little fish?
JAKE
You are correct on that. That is why –
Jake gets up and walks around Greg’s desk. We can now see he is tied up with internet cords and duct tape.
JAKE
I have you in this vulnerable position.
GREG
You understand what happens if you hurt me?
JAKE
Yes, I get a big raise and an extra week of vacation. Now type a five instead of a 1.2.
Jake takes his steaming cup of coffee and begins to tilt it over Greg’s lap.
JAKE
Type it or get a burnt wiener.
Greg types it quickly.
JAKE
Ok, now were getting somewhere. You have a busy day Greg, you are totally booked up.
GREG
What are you talking about? You’re my only review?
Jake clicks a screen to show his schedule blocked out.
Jake heads to the door.
JAKE
Other employees want to discuss their performance review.
Jake opens the door and standing in a line on the other side is Julie, Tanya, Dan, Paul, Michael, Christopher and Dane. They’ve come armed with office supplies.
A stapler in one hand, a pot of hot coffee, a chain made of paper clips, a handful of tacks, a phone cord made into a garrote, part of a chair – now a club and finally the blade from a paper cutter.

• This reply was modified 11 hours, 11 minutes ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Title: Jeremy Reveals

What I learned doing this assignment was: Reveals are just part of good story telling. Every script should have some sort of reveal.

Logline: Yuri has brought Sterling Waters to Vasili’s residence so that he may ask him to find his kidnapped daughter. Sterling asks some questions to get a feel for the man.
• What do I want to hide from the reader for dramatic effect? In this scene what is being hidden is the fact that Vasili is really a werewolf. His tracking skills are an enhanced part of his change.
• What are the characters hiding from each other? Vasili is hiding what his “true” abilities are, Yuri is hiding the fact that it’s the money from the job he really wants. Sterling is hiding that he set up an overwatch of snipers in the trees. However, Vasili knows they are there.
• What is already known that would be more dramatic if hidden, then revealed? We know Vasili was in Russan military and something happened at Safd Kho that disgusts him. He makes mention of it, but it is not revealed until later as to why?
• What would be the best/worst/most dramatic thing that could be revealed at this point? We subtly hint at the werewolf ability, but revealing it now would be the worst time.
• Knowing this story, what could be under the surface that would create more drama for my characters? Perhaps more of Vasili’s unwillingness to go on the mission and become a wolf again? He is unhappy about it and he does owe Yuri for getting him out of Russia. But perhaps more drawn out misery about the choice?
• Are there any deeper meanings to the things my character are saying and doing? Vasili does not hunt with guns or traps, obviously he hunts them with fang and claw, which he states, “I hunt them my own way.” The point at which I think Sterling wants to hire this man is when Vasili states that if he gets sick, “then I die.” If he is willing to die out here all alone, then he would be willing to die for his daughter.

Demand: Sterling Waters proposes that Vasili find his kidnapped daughter. Yuri set up the meeting so that he may get a reward. Vasili is looking for redemption for the things he did in Russia.
Cover-up: Only Yuri knows about Vasili nocturnal behaviors. It is hinted at through the script and you get the idea something is different about Vasili.
Reveal: Once Vasili sets off after the kidnappers he is revealed through the changing into an actual wolf. That is mid-point in the script

EXT. YUKON TERRITORY – MORNING
An ax blade comes slicing down, chops a thick cord of wood in half in one stroke. VASILI VANYA (45) stands bare chested as snowflakes fall down on his shoulders. With a large red beard and strong solid arms, he sets up another block of wood for kindling.
Out in the distance, on a snowy mound, a WHITE CLAD FIGURE crawls with a cloth wrapped rifle. He takes position and peers down the scope.
At the edge of the woods a SECOND WHITE CLAD FIGURE kneels down with a rifle to the shoulder and takes aim.
Vasili raises the ax, when a puddle jumper SCREAMS out from the low hanging clouds and circles overhead.
He flings the ax into the wood and stands watching.
The door to the small plane breaches and out step two men in overcoats with machine guns hanging across their chest.
Next, a man in a large fur coat followed by another small wiry individual. They begin to walk toward Vasili’s direction.
A couple feet out, the man in the fur coat speaks.
STERLING WATERS
You’re a hard man to find, Mr. Vanya.
Vasili eyes the man suspiciously. Yuri steps out from behind Sterling.
YURI POPOV
It’s been a long time Vasili.
VASILI VANYA
Perhaps not long enough. Why you come all this way?
YURI POPOV
This man has something to ask you.
Sterling points to the cabin behind Vasili.
STERLING WATERS
Maybe we can talk indoors?
Vasili, still suspicious, nods his head. They all crunch through the snow to the small cabin. The roof has a cluster of sun bleached stag horns scattered across the top. Bear fur covers the windows, varying animal skulls hang like wind chimes.
Vasili opens the door and waves his guests in. The first bodyguard breaks off from the group and darts inside checking the room. He gives a nod to the other and motions for Sterling to enter.
Sterling is about to step over the thresh hold when –
VASILI VANYA
Will the others be joining us?
STERLING WATERS
What others?
Vasili nods his head to the woods and hills. Sterling cracks a wry smile.
STERLING WATERS
No. They’re paid to freeze.
He enters.
INT. CABIN
Yuri tosses a few more logs into the wood burning stove. Sterling takes off his coat and shakes it out.
VASILI VANYA
I don’t get many visitors here. I have black tea?
STERLING WATERS
Yes that would be fine.
Sterling walks around the room looking at the furs and antlers.
STERLING WATERS
What do you hunt with? A 30-06 or a 300 Win Mag?
Vasili places the kettle over the stove.
VASILI VANYA
No guns.
Sterling glances around the room again.
STERLING WATERS
Traps then?
Vasili rummages his cabinets for tea.
VASILI VANYA
No traps.
STERLING WATERS
Then what do you hunt with?
He pauses.
VASILI VANYA
I hunt them my own way.
Sterling glances at Yuri who quickly looks away.
STERLING WATERS
My name is Sterling Waters and I own Waters Trans Alaskan oil pipe line. You may have heard my name from TV or radio.
VASILI VANYA
No TV, no radio.
STERLING WATERS
My God man, the nearest road is fifty miles away. What happens if you get hurt or sick?
Vasili walks over and hands him his tea.
VASILI VANYA
Then I die.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Title Jeremy Character Relationships
What I learned from this is: Characters can interact with one another at any point in the script. Changing a trait could lead to a better outcome from what you originally wrote.

1. Vasili Vanya: Loner, Tormented, Determined, Hunter
2. Yuri Popov: Low-life, Greedy, Opportunistic, Deceiving
3. Lt. Raeger: Organized, Determined, Single-Minded, Callous
4. Khaber: Cruel, Brutal, Efficient, Sly

• Vasili and Yuri
• Rapport: Vasili being a loner is more direct in his speech. Yuri is shadier by the fact that he is greedy, a low-life and deceiving.
• Conflict: The conflict between the two would be over Yuri’s deceitfulness. What ever secrets he’s keeping could get Vasili into trouble.
• Contrast: Yuri tends to let Vasili do the heavy lifting and bathe in the reward after. Vasili knowing his friend cannot do, what he can do just goes along.
• Competition: Vasili is hesitant about using his werewolf powers; however, it is Yuri who pushes him into it. But Yuri is doing it for the money.
• Subtext: Yuri has his nature written all over his face. It’s been bashed in by debt collectors. While Vasili is strong and upright from living in the Alaskan wilderness.

• Lt. Raeger and Kahber
• Rapport: Lt. Raeger is right to the point being a military man, while Khaber, also having been in the military is direct, but in a more threatening way. Violence cuts through a lot of red tape.
• Conflict: The conflict would be over how to handle Vasili’s capture. Raeger wants to handle it quick and clean, no fuss. While Kahber wants it messy and doesn’t care if civilians get in the way.
• Contrast: Raeger wants things done by the book and only if he is pressed will consider hiring “outside” help. Khaber on the other hand is running a kidnapping ring, so thinking out of the box is how he makes his living.
• Competition: Raeger is hesitant about using Khaber to do his dirty work, but he’s so off reservation that it doesn’t matter. Khaber is happy to test his skills.
• Subtext: Raeger just wants his specimen Vasili and in the end will get him any way he can. Khaber does not know exactly what he’s hunting, but he’s about to find out.

• Vasili and Khaber

• Rapport: Vasili is Russian and Khaber is Croatian, so in that regard they speak the same language. But these are two opposites. As Vasili may use violence to get what he wants, he uses is sparingly. Khaber on the other hand makes a business from cruelty by kidnapping individuals and holding them for ransom.
• Conflict: Khaber is sent to capture Vasili so there is conflict about the two.
• Contrast: Vasili just wants to be left alone, left forgotten. Khaber destroys this by attacking him and thus the battle between the two begins.
• Competition: Which one will make it out alive. Or in this case, unchanged?
• Subtext: All Vasili is to Khaber is something else to hunt, something else to get paid for. Vasili is learning that his power can help someone. Unleash the beast.

• Raeger and Yuri

• Rapport: Yuri is standoffish toward the military man. While Raeger is directly to the point. Yuri has the information that the Lieutenant wants.
• Conflict: The conflict between the two would be how to extract the information from Yuri. Raeger soon finds out that Yuri’s greed is something he can pressure and offers him a large sum of money for the information. Yuri agrees, but holds back vital info due to his deceitfulness.
• Contrast: Yuri just wants to make money the easiest way possible, while Raeger needs the information of the location of his intended target.
• Competition: Is Yuri smarter than Raegar, can he out-fox him? While Raeger feels in control of the situation, especially when he gets the coordinates from Yuri.
• Subtext: Yuri knows what the lieutenant wants but he also knows how to make money from it. Raeger thinks he’s in control and by way of information, perhaps he is. But Yuri always has something up his sleeve.

5. Vasili Vanya: Loner, Tormented, Heroic, Hunter
6. Yuri Popov: Loyal, Greedy, Opportunistic, Deceiving
7. Lt. Raeger: Organized, Determined, Under pressure, Callous
8. Kahber: Cruel, Revenge filled, Efficient, Sly

[Jeremy Kirk]

QE4 Jeremy
LOGLINE: Two space station astronauts work at fixing the ship and gossip about the crew.

ESSENCE: Secrets lead to truth and the truth will set you free.

TRAIT YOU CHANGED: Prissy to Murderous.

SCENE: A simple talk between two people leads to secrets being spilled.

EXT. SPACE STATION MIR – DEEP SPACE EXPLORATION
Outside the Mir space station, amid all the solar panels, satellite antennas and shuttle docks, works two astronauts in marshmallow spacesuits.
RENEE and MAXINE are busy welding down a loose control thruster. They are both tethered to the ship as blue sparks arc out into space.
RENEE
I trained my ass off for six months to be able to space-walk. How did you get here?
MAXINE
I slept with Capt. Conners in the low gravity room twice. He felt I had acquired the necessary skills to come out here.
RENEE
Great, another one who thinks they can skip the line?
MAXINE
I didn’t skip the line, I fucked it. And maybe if you were better looking you wouldn’t have to work so hard.
Maxine reaches up and pets Renee’s helmet.
RENEE
Maybe if you all weren't running around screwing each other, the ship would be in better repair and my ass wouldn't have to come out here.
MAXINE
Well, at least you have my company.
Renee side eyes her.
RENEE
Can you hold this down please while I weld?
MAXINE
I was not rated for welding only spacewalking.
RENEE
Seriously?
MAXINE
Did you know that Capt. Conners likes to dress up in women’s clothes when he has sex?
RENEE
You would know. (pause) How does that work in low gravity?
MAXINE
He loses his brunet wig allot. And Flight Engineer Michaels has to take pills to get it up.
RENEE
Really, wow, I mean with all those muscles.
MAXINE
Blood flow goes to the wrong place.
RENEE
Is there anyone you haven’t slept with?
MAXINE
You. (pause) Oh and Sheila the Mission Specialist has a thing for midgets and balloon animals.
RENEE
How does that work with you exactly?
MAXINE
I put shoes on my knees, toddle around. That one still haunts me a little.
RENEE
Jesus Christ, I need to get off this ship. Bunch of sex crazed perverts.
MAXINE
Don’t be jealous. Besides you’re usually working when the orgies go down.
RENEE
You are having orgies on the space station! (pause) While I’m working my ass off!
MAXINE
You keep the ship working and I’ll keep the crew happy.
RENEE
If only I had the ship to myself. Peace and quiet.
The sound of voices mumbling.
MAXINE
You did turn off the comms?
RENEE
Per safety, comms should be left on at all times.
Maxine’s face looks stricken in the helmet’s visor.
RENEE
Actually, I’m glad you’re out here with me. In the dangers of space.
MAXINE
Oh my God! I can’t believe you let me spill the crew’s secrets! What kind of shipmate are you?
RENEE
The worst kind.
Renee takes the torch over Maxine’s tethered strap. It melts away and snaps back at Maxine which causes her to drift off the side of the space station.
MAXINE
Hey, what are you doing? Grab me, quick.
RENEE
Comms are now off, so you may scream to your heart’s desire.
MAXINE
Renee, this no joke. Do something I’m drifting off.
RENEE
There are emergency protocols for your situation. Perhaps Capt. Conners went over how to use Simplified Aid For EVA Rescue device in between intervals of weightless humping?
MAXINE
Help! Somebody help me! Oh God, I’m drifting further and further away.
Renee looks back and waves at Maxine as she takes a journey around the stars. She turns back to her work and notices faces in the view portal.
The angry faces of Capt. Conners, Flight Engineer Michaels and Mission Specialist Sheila all burn holes at Renee with the strength of a thousand suns.
All Renee can do is smile and shrug.

• This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

I found this comical, as on this morning’s run I came head to head with a Javelina. Maybe a fifty pounder, young male. he skedaddled once my dog started barking. But, for a brief second, I thought there might be a fight. it was no mountain lion.

[Jeremy Kirk]

QE3 – Second Draft

WHAT I LEARNED: Some of the max interest techniques don't always apply. For example, the hook. My story begins with two window washers who are arguing. Not the strongest start to a scene. It could of been changed to two zombie window washers having the same argument. That would of been more of a hook. It would of also been more of a gimmick.

LOGLINE: Two window washer fight with one another while hanging twenty stories against a high rise.

ESSENCE: There is a deeper conflict at hand than just personalities, and Vicky is about to give the greatest ultimatum.

EXT. HIGH RISE OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Two window washers work at opposite ends of the platform using long poles to soap and clean the windows.
NANCY, a shaved headed staunch lesbian with tattoo sleeve down one arm and a bandana around her head, drags the pole down with a SQUELCH of clean window.
Her partner, SQUIRE, is a fit gay man with a half shirt and his bandana tied around his neck like a scarf.
NANCY
I swear Squire, I could have washed both sides of these windows already?
SQUIRE
That’s because I’m distracted by all these men.
He blows a kiss and waves to the businessman working on the other side.
NANCY
And why aren’t you wearing your fall harness? You wanna die?
SQUIRE
Bitch, like you care? Besides bright orange doesn’t go with my eyes.
NANCY
Neither will your skull if you fall twenty stories.
Nancy hits the hoist motor and it stalls out.
SQUIRE
You should use some of that money your saving for your next tattoo and get that fixed.
Nancy kicks it and it starts to descend.
NANCY
It’s fine, see, still works.
As they pass a new floor, Squire pulls down his shorts and exposes his happy trail.
NANCY
Bro, seriously? Start working.
Squire places the long poled squeegee in the bucket which sloshes liquid soap out onto the platform and over his work boots.
SQUIRE
I think my soap and water solution isn’t correct? I think it’s leaving a film on the windows?
NANCY
You should have been in early, and checked it this morning.
SQUIRE
Honey, one needs time to look this good.
NANCY
So now it’s my fault you can’t clean a window?
SQUIRE
Geez, somebodies a bitch this morning.
NANCY
Yeah, well, when were you going to tell me about you and Carlo breaking up?
SQUIRE
I don’t know who you get your information from –
NANCY
He’s my brother ass hat, who do you think?
SQUIRE
We had a falling out?
NANCY
A falling out? He told me he found you in bed with three other men?
Squire gets a sly little smirk.
SQUIRE
Four.
NANCY
Four! I don’t even know logistically how that would work. You broke his heart man, you really did.
Squire sloshes the window, spots a man looking out and draws a heart on the window with his finger.
SQUIRE
Oww.
He places his finger in his mouth and pouts.
NANCY
What did I tell you when you started dating my brother?
With the finger still in his mouth.
SQUIRE
To not break his heart.
NANCY
That’s right. And what would happen if I found out you broke his heart?
Finger still in mouth like a pacifier.
SQUIRE
Consequences.
NANCY
That’s right, consequences. And in this situation, what should the consequences consist of?
Squire smiles.
SQUIRE
A spanking?
NANCY
How about your wash bucket being filled with soap and a large amount of nitric acid?
Squire looks at the bucket that’s been springing leaks and creating a puddle over the platform.
NANCY
You see nitric acid won’t harm windows. So, the glass will be fine. However…
The medal platform ruptures, the metal dissolved away. Squire falls through the hole and catches himself with both hands on the metal.
His torso dangles below the wash platform. He SCREAMS for help.
Nancy walks over to the hoist motor and starts the slow descent down.
NANCY
Maybe this piece of shit can get you down in time. Maybe you die wishing you wore your fall harness?
As Squire holds the metal, the acid HISSES and he has to move his hands constantly.
NANCY
Fuck with my brother’s heart again and see what’s what.
The platform CREAKS as it lowers its way to the sidewalk.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is if you write the scene with an eye for story then you will have the Max Interest traits already written.
Jeremy Kirk Max Interest 2
Logline: Henry is at the hospital to comfort the battered Dana when a Detective Quinn asks to speak to him.
Essence: The cat and mouse game between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde plays out through the interview.
Max Interest traits used: Uncomfortable Moment and Mystery

PATIENT ROOM
Henry holds Dana’s hand and lays his head on her bed when a gentle knock at the door.
Henry lifts his head and sees a man standing in the doorway, DETECTIVE QUINN.
QUINN
Hello, I’m detective Quinn and I’ve been assigned to this case. Can I speak to you in private?
Henry wipes the tears and snot away and follows the detective.
HENRY
Sorry, you had to see that? (Uncomfortable Moment added)
They go into another room with tables.
He sits down and Henry sits opposite from him.
QUINN
I wanted to have a quick word about what went down at the laboratory. That is if you don’t mind?
HENRY
(clears his throat) No, go ahead ask your questions.
QUINN
We don’t suspect you were involved with this crime. It was a rather large individual that did the type of damage to Dana. This was corroborated by Dr. Schultz who was also attacked.
HENRY
What was the description of the man he gave?
Quinn pulls out a pad, flips it open and reads.
QUINN
About six foot three, maybe three hundred pounds. Several noticeable scars line his face, including one through his top lip. As the doctor put it, the man had awesome power, like the power of ten madman.
HYDE (O.S.)
Don’t you do it Jekyll. (Hook – you have an interrogation scene with Henry Jekyll and Hyde the voice in his head who threatens him.)
HENRY
Would you like to know his name? (Dilemma – Henry is through dealing with Hyde and gives him up to cops)
HYDE (O.S.)
I’ll hurt you Jekyll, I’ll hurt you bad! (predictions – Hyde will try and revenge for this)
HENRY
Edward Hyde.
Quinn writes the name down.
QUINN
Yes, we are hearing this name more and more on the streets. (Mystery – Added.)
HENRY
He is nothing more than a local hood. I believe he’s been moonlighting with the Scalise Mob.
QUINN
Scalise mob, got it.
HENRY
He’s responsible for the murder of a pharmacist and the arson of Stars Drug store. He also threw Carmine Wilson and his wife out a window. And if you drag the waters, you might find the remains of Union rep Benny Tannenbaum.
QUINN
Jesus, it’s like you were there. (mystery – How did Henry come across all this information)
HENRY
Not there, he just likes to brag. And you know the biggest tale he told?
HYDE (O.S.)
I am going to make your life a living hell. (anticipatory Dialogue – will the threats be made real?)
HENRY
He was solely responsible for the massacre at the Neapolitan Noodle restaurant and the assassination of Dino DeCavalcante.
Quinn is taken back by all the information.
QUINN
You’d be willing to testify to all this?
HENRY
Oh, I don’t think Hyde is the type to come in quietly. If you get him in your crosshairs, you shoot to kill. (creating a future – Henry is selling Hyde as someone who should be shot dead, thus solving the problem he created.)
HYDE (O.S.)
Oh you bastard. (Something Unseen – henry’s response to a voice in his head.)
HENRY
I learn from the best.
QUINN
Pardon?
HENRY
Nothing. Can I go back to Dana?
QUINN
Yeah, one other thing. We found Arnold Dragna in the basement. Do you know who he is?
HENRY
Sure everybody in the neighborhood knows who he is. Debt collector for George Scalise.
QUINN
He was found with some grievous wounds hiding out under the stairs. Can you tell me why and how he got there?
HENRY
Did a wrong turn to Hyde. So Hyde ripped off his jaw and forced him to live among the rats. Like I said detective, this guy is a full blown psychopath. He needs to be put down like a sick dog.
QUINN
But you could of set him free at anytime?
HENRY
And incur the wrath of Hyde for what, some asshole who collects money for the mob? What world do you live in?
QUINN
Thanks for your time.
Henry leaves. (I suppose this could be a cliffhanger? Hyde has threatened the Doctor and now the police know about Hyde’s crimes.)

[Jeremy Kirk]

LOGLINE: two window washers argument becomes more extreme than ever imagined.

ESSENCE: Nancy is looking to make a point about Squire’s unfaithfulness to her brother.

SCENE:

EXT. HIGH RISE OFFICE BUILDING – DAY
Two window washers work at opposite ends of the platform using long poles to soap and clean the windows.
NANCY, a shaved headed staunch lesbian with tattoo sleeve down one arm and a bandana around her head, drags the pole down with a SQUELCH of clean window.
Her partner, SQUIRE, is a fit gay man with a half shirt and his bandana tied around his neck like a scarf.
NANCY
I swear Squire, I could have washed both sides of these windows already?
SQUIRE
That’s because I’m distracted by all these men.
He blows a kiss and waves to the businessman working on the other side.
NANCY
And why aren’t you wearing your fall harness? You wanna die?
SQUIRE
Bitch, like you care? Besides bright orange doesn’t go with my eyes.
NANCY
Neither will your skull if you fall twenty stories.
Nancy hits the hoist motor and it stalls out.
SQUIRE
You should use some of that money your saving for your next tattoo and get that fixed.
Nancy kicks it and it starts to descend.
NANCY
It’s fine, see, still works.
As they pass a new floor, Squire pulls down his shorts and exposes his happy trail.
NANCY
Bro, seriously? Start working.
Squire places the long poled squeegee in the bucket which sloshes liquid soap out onto the platform and over his work boots.
SQUIRE
I think my soap and water solution isn’t correct? I think it’s leaving a film on the windows?
NANCY
So now it’s my fault you can’t clean a window?
SQUIRE
Geez, somebodies a bitch this morning.
NANCY
Yeah, well, when were you going to tell me about you and Carlo breaking up?
SQUIRE
I don’t know who you get your information from –
NANCY
He’s my brother ass hat, who do you think?
SQUIRE
We had a falling out?
NANCY
A falling out? He told me he found you in bed with three other men?
Squire gets a sly little smirk.
SQUIRE
Four.
NANCY
Four! I don’t even know logistically how that would work. You broke his heart man, you really did.
Squire sloshes the window, spots a man looking out and draws a heart on the window with his finger.
SQUIRE
Oww.
He places his finger in his mouth and pouts.
NANCY
What did I tell you when you started dating my brother?
With the finger still in his mouth.
SQUIRE
To not break his heart.
NANCY
That’s right. And what would happen if I found out you broke his heart?
Finger still in mouth like a pacifier.
SQUIRE
Consequences.
NANCY
That’s right, consequences. And in this situation, what should the consequences consist of?
Squire smiles.
SQUIRE
A spanking?
NANCY
How about your wash bucket being filled with soap and a large amount of nitric acid?
Squire looks at the bucket that’s been springing leaks and creating a puddle over the platform.
NANCY
You see nitric acid won’t harm windows. So the glass will be fine. However…
The medal platform ruptures, the metal dissolved away. Squire falls through the hole and catches himself with both hands on the metal.
His torso dangles below the wash platform. He SCREAMS for help.
Nancy walks over to the hoist motor and starts the slow descent down.
NANCY
Maybe this piece of shit can get you down in time. Maybe you die wishing you wore your fall harness?
As Squire holds the metal, the acid HISSES and he has to move his hands constantly.
NANCY
Fuck with my brother’s heart again and see what’s what.
The platform CREAKS as it lowers it’s way to the sidewalk.

• This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy Kirk Challenging Situations

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is, other paths can be forged in a script depending on which road you chose to take.

Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: Dr. Jekyll speaks to his fiancé Dana. Dana is concerned about his morphine addiction and how much he is working.

B. Essence: The essence of this scene is Dr. Jeckyll has not told Dana that he is working on a serum that will take away addictive impulses. He wants it to be a surprise to her that he is working on a cure for his addiction.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges. Dr. Jekyll could outright tell her, he could continue to lie about it, Hyde could rear his head sooner and break apart the relationship.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. I might make Dr. Jekyll cagier about his morphine use. Dana is aware so it may put more of a strain on the relationship if he acts this way.
Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: Kurtis Lepke is in an interrogation room being interviewed by a Detective and Reporter.

B. Essence: Lepke is trying to sell the story that he was hired by the mayor to kill and feed people of the city to underground beasts.

C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges. Lepke could offer to take them down and show them. He could completely deny any of the killings. He could simply say there are others out there doing his bidding.

D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. In the end, the detective, reporter and others do ascend into the underground rail system. I don’t know that any of these ideas better the character or plot in any way.

[Jeremy Kirk]

“What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is, the characters are in the script and can be explained through several traits”
Title: Jeremy Kirk Full-out Characters for pilot WRATHBONE and scripts ANIMAL CONTROL and TOUGH GUY.

CURRENT:
DESCRIPTION: MARRO WRATHBONE is a barbarian Orc who is harboring a secret.
TRAITS: Strong, Loyal, Street Smart, Brutal
SUBTEXT: Marro is a gay Orc in a society that does not accept such things.
REVISED:
DESCRIPTION: MARRO WRATHBONE has set out on an adventure, but secretly, he is in search of his lost lover.
TRAITS: Strong, Loyal, Secretive, Uncompromising
SUBTEXT: Marro will slaughter anyone and anything in his path to get to the one he loves.
CURRENT:

DESCRIPTION: ORIKTUSS is a crash-landed alien in search of help
TRAITS: Friendly, Loyal, Brave, Fearless
SUBTEXT: Oriktuss crashes on earth and accidentally releases dangerous alien animals set for destruction. He requires the help of two teens if he’s ever going to live down this mistake.
REVISED:
DESCRIPTION: Oriktuss love for earth music causes an accident and propels him and others to hunt for very deadly space animals.
TRAITS: Friendly, Loyal, Bad Ass, Strange
SUBTEXT: Oriktuss does not want to disappoint his father or the family business, so he will stop at nothing to hunt down the renegade aliens.

CURRENT:
DESCRIPTION: GUY MICHAEL STEELE is an aging action star who still thinks he has the chops.
TRAITS: Asshole, Pompous, Arrogant, Aggressive
SUBTEXT: Guy can’t accept he is a washed up has been and flies to Saudi Arabia to make a movie that will change his life.
REVISED:
DESCRIPTION: Guy joins an action movie production in Saudi Arabia but is unaware that he will have to fight for his life on this film.
TRAITS: Still an Asshole, Idiotic, Gullible, Aggressive
SUBTEXT: Guy finds out what he’s truly made of in an action film set to blow away all action films.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Scene Assignment QE #2: (Double the Quality)

What did I learn? I learned that a second pass can really bring the writing to life. i added more detail to the script which i think helped.

LOGLINE: a corrupt cop finds an ex-con he just recently ripped off standing in his home with a gun to his wife's head.

ESSENCE: The negotiation between the two is the key, the give and take of information.

EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE – NIGHT.

JOHN, a corrupt cop who lives life on the razor’s edge, busts down the door.
Standing in the living room is junkie ex-con, NICK, who holds a sawed-off double barrel shotgun to John’s wife’s head.
John stops when he sees the shotgun nestled against his wife’s ear. (Suspense)

NICK
Slow your roll J, anyone else joining the party?

JOHN
You know I work alone. This is between you and I. Know one else needs to be privy to our conversation.

NICK
Where’s the money John! Where’s the money you jacked from my crew?

JOHN
Gone. I gambled it away.

NICK
Gambled it away! It was 125 G’s.

JOHN
What can I say, it was a bad run. Besides, it wasn’t my money.

NICK
That’s bad news. Real bad news for the Misses, here. (Uncertainty – fear)
John begins to laugh to himself. He holds a hand to his mouth to cover it up. (Character Changes radically)
The hostage, John’s WIFE looks concerned, even more so than before.
Nick’s eyelid twitches and he pushes the gun against her head.

NICK
What…what’s so funny?
John pulls his shit together.

JOHN
You picked the worst day to pull this off. Seriously.
Grinding his teeth, twitchy and confused, Nick spits out.

NICK
Your messing with me cop, trying some sort of mind game?

JOHN
Not at all. This morning I was served divorce papers.
He holds up his hand and slides it into his coat pocket and pulls out some papers. He tosses them on the table.

JOHN
Go ahead, read them.
Nick, get’s a better grip on the shotgun.

NICK
No you read em’.

JOHN
I already have. My wife, the one you have a gun against her head, wants a divorce. Which means I loose my house, part of my pension, and probably my dog.

NICK
The dog? Your going to take the man’s dog!

WIFE
I…I…

NICK
Shut up, no one wants to hear from you.

JOHN
It seems the late night cases, bundles of stolen money and drugs, and my plain just scumbag personality have caught up with me. So, you see the quandary we’re in?

NICK
The quan…what?

JOHN
You have a hostage that you are threatening the life of – and well quiet frankly, I don’t care. (Surprise, Twist, Superior Position)
Nick pauses.

NICK
I’ll blow her head off man!

JOHN
Be my guest.

WIFE
John!
The wife is shaking with adrenaline and fear.

JOHN
Perhaps we can go about this another way.
Nick peers from behind the wife’s head.

JOHN
Perhaps I could shoot her? (Surprise, Twist, Betrayal of wife, Mislead)
The wife’s eyes bulge at this request.

NICK
Wait, you want to shoot her?

JOHN
Yeah, it’s the least I could do for taking the dog.

NICK
You…want to shoot…your own wife?

JOHN
Sure, I mean will an opportunity like this ever come around again? Think about it. I take a shot meant for you and hit her. It happens all the time in hostage situations. (Intrigue)

NICK
Uh..ok..but what happens to me?

JOHN
You did me a solid, so you just run out the back. No harm, no foul.

NICK
No way cop, how do I know you won’t shoot me in the back?

JOHN
You got a shotgun? Keep it trained on me as you make your escape. I’ll say I was overtaken with shock and grief at the death of my wife to give chase. Plus, I will be in the middle of life saving procedures.
John gives Nick a wink.

JOHN
Besides, you ain’t looking so hot. Sweating all over, pale skin. You need a fix. The sooner you let me shoot her, the sooner you can get your fix. Otherwise, we’ll be here all night.
Nick licks his chapped lips. Red and blue lights flicker off his sweaty face as cop cars pull up.

JOHN
Look, you know I’m no saint. I’ve stolen money from drug dealers, been on the payroll for mobsters, and done my fair share of killing. I’m a scumbag just like you. The only difference is, I’m smart enough to have a badge.

NICK
I do this for you and we’re square?

JOHN
You have my word. Now, may I take out my pistol?

NICK
Yeah, but do it slow.
John slowly pulls his heavy revolver from the shoulder holster.

NICK
Okay, because your bitch of a wife is taking the dog, we’re going to do this. But we do it MY way!

JOHN
Whatever you say hoss.
Nick starts to step away from the petrified wife.

JOHN
Hold on there. I need you to secure her while I shoot. Can’t have her running away with multiple bullets in her. The ballistics needs to look clean.
Nick nods in understanding and plants the shotgun back to her head and stands behind her.

JOHN
You ready?
Nick gets a yellow toothed smile. He likes this plan.

NICK
Yeah, shoot the bitch.
John raises the pistol. Down the sight, he can see the scared water filled eyes of his wife. She silently mouths the words of a prayer.
His finger curls around the trigger. (Intrigue)

JOHN
You might want to move your head out of the way.
Nick pulls his head back from behind the wife’s and –
BAM!
A fist sized hole punches through his forehead, he drops. (Betrayal, Twist, Surprise, Reveal, Character changes Radically, Hope)
John rushes over and takes his wife in his arms, with his gun trained on the downed Nick, leads her out.
With tears and blood spatter across her face, she looks at John.

WIFE
Fine you son-of-a-bitch, you can keep the dog.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Jeremy Kirk.
• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

LOGLINE: Super cop John races home to find criminal junkie Nick holding his wife hostage.

ESSENCE: This is all about the negotiation between the characters.

What I learned? This time it took a little bit to come up with a scene. I think because the idea would be either at Act 1 of a script or Act 3 ending scene. either would have elements of story at play that would be shaping the scene. But I managed to churn something out.

EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE – NIGHT.
JOHN, a corrupt cop who lives life on the razor’s edge, busts down the door.
Standing in the living room is junkie ex-con, NICK, who holds a sawed-off double barrel shotgun to John’s wife’s head.
John stops when he sees the shotgun nestled against his wife’s ear.

NICK
Slow your roll J, anyone else joining the party?

JOHN
You know I work alone. This is between you and I, leave her out of it.

NICK
Who’s got the upper hand now! Make a move and we redecorate the living room.
John begins to laugh to himself. He holds up a hand to his mouth to cover it up.
The hostage, John’s WIFE looks concerned, even more so than before.
Nick’s eyelid twitches and he pushes the gun against her head.

NICK
What’s so funny?
John pulls his shit together.

JOHN
You picked the worst day to pull this off. Seriously.
Grinding his teeth, twitchy and confused, he spits out.

NICK
Your messing with me cop, trying some sort of mind game?

JOHN
Not at all. This morning I was served divorce papers.
He holds up his hand and slides it into his coat pocket and pulls out some papers. He tosses them on the table.

JOHN
Go ahead, read them.
Nick, get’s a better grip on the shotgun.

NICK
No you read em’.

JOHN
I already have. My wife, the one you have a gun against her head, wants a divorce. Which means I loose my house, part of my pension, and probably my dog.

NICK
The dog? Your going to take the man’s dog!

WIFE
I…I…

NICK
Shut up, no one wants to hear from you.

JOHN
So you see the quandary we’re in?

NICK
The quan…what?

JOHN
You have a hostage that you are threatening the life of – and well quiet frankly, I don’t care.
Nick pauses.

NICK
I’ll blow her head off man!

JOHN
Be my guest.

WIFE
John!

The wife is shaking with adrenaline and fear.

JOHN
Perhaps we can go about this another way.
Nick peers from behind the wife’s head.

JOHN
Perhaps I could shoot her?
The wife’s eyes bulge at this request.

NICK
Wait, you want to shoot her?

JOHN
Yeah, it’s the least I could do for taking the dog.

NICK
So, you want to shoot your own wife?

JOHN
Sure, I mean will an opportunity like this ever come around again? Think about it. I take a shot meant for you and hit her. It happens all the time in hostage situations.

NICK
Uh..ok..but what happens to me?

JOHN
You did me a solid, so you just run out the back. No harm no foul.

NICK
No way cop, how do I know you won’t shoot me in the back?

JOHN
You got a shotgun? Keep it trained on me as you make your escape. I’ll say I was overtaken with shock and grief at the death of my wife to give chase. Plus, I will be in the middle of life saving procedures.
John gives Nick a wink.

JOHN
Besides, you ain’t looking so hot. Sweating all over, pale skin. You need a fix. The sooner you let me shoot her, the sooner you can get your fix.
Nick licks his chapped lips.

JOHN
Look, you know I’m no saint. I’ve stolen money from drug dealers, been on the payroll for mobsters, and done my fair share of killing. You can trust me when I say the bitch has it coming.

NICK
You shoot her and we’re square?

JOHN
You have my word. Now, may I take out my pistol?

NICK
Yeah, but do it slow.
John slowly pulls his heavy revolver from the shoulder holster.

NICK
Okay, because your bitch of a wife is taking the dog, we’re going to do this. But we do it MY way!

JOHN
Whatever you say hoss.
Nick starts to step away from the petrified wife.

JOHN
Hold on there. I need you to hold her while I shoot. Can’t have her running away with multiple bullets in her. The ballistics needs to look clean.
Nick nods in head in understanding and plants the shotgun to her head and stands behind her.

JOHN
You ready?
Nick gets a yellow toothed smile.

NICK
Yeah, shoot the bitch.
John raises the pistol, squints one eye and –

JOHN
You might want to move your head out of the way.
Nick pulls his head back from behind the wife’s and –
BAM!
A fist sized hole punches through his head, he drops.
John rushes over and takes his wife in his arms, with his gun trained on the downed Nick, leads her out.
With tears and snot running down her face, she looks at John.

WIFE
Fine, you can keep the dog.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy's Double Quality scene

EXT. CLIPPER’S BAR AND GRILL/PARKING LOT – DAY.

The GROWL of a Harley motorcycle reverberates down the city street.

ROBERT (23) coasts his bike into the parking lot of Clipper’s bar.
He’s a good looking kid, square jawed, blue eyed with dark, wind blown tussled hair.

In the line of motorcycles, an overweight, heavily bearded man in a biker cut and jeans, bends over and wipes down the chrome tailpipes of his 1940’s Harley Davidson Knucklehead bike.
Robert parks and gets a view of the man’s hairy ass crack.

ROBERT
God damn Trent, you ever think about getting that thing waxed?

TRENT (50) stands up with a beer belly and rag in hand.

TRENT
What my ass? I only get it waxed if I’m going down to do some time. I don’t like to disappoint the boys.
Robert flicks out the kickstand and dismounts.

He walks up to Trent and they hug as if they were fraternal brothers.

TRENT
What took you? Everybody's inside waiting.

ROBERT
My boss was being an asshole. Threatening to go to my parole officer and tell them I was leaving work early.

TRENT
You want us to pay your boss a visit?

ROBERT
No, it’s okay. I’ll deal with him.
Trent pats him on the back and they both walk into –

INT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL
The music blares Bob Seger, “Bike Bunnies” or biker girls swarm over the other bikers by clinging to their necks or sitting in their laps.
Pitchers of beer flow and shots line the table.
Upon Robert and Trent walking in the room, it explodes into cheers.
Bikers come up and pat him on the shoulder, congratulate him with a hardy hug or handshake.
Trent pushes him through the crowd and over to the bar.
Standing at the bar on long legs and ample cleavage is HOLLY. She eyeballs Robert hungerly. Trent notices.

TRENT
Not here ten minutes and already your night is planned.
Holly slinks across the room, rubs a hand through his hair while the other grabs his crotch.
Robert, smiles and politely removes the offending hand. Holly slinks away.

ROBERT
Not with that one. Little Mike told me she has the crabs.

TRENT
Really? Huh, I was with her last night?
Trent begins to scratch at his beard.
Robert laughs, drops back a shot.

ROBERT
Who’s paying for this?
TRENT
Talked Clipper into footing the bill. As much as the boys drink at this establishment, he can afford to give a little back.
Another drink goes down. He pats Robert’s back.
TRENT
Finish your drink and follow me to Church.

Trent drags the bottle of Jack off the table.
Robert drops back a shot, wipes his chin and follows Trent to the backroom.

BACKROOM
Trent opens a door and Robert enters the back stock room.
Boxes of liquor and beer line the walls.
As he steps into the blank room –
SMASH
Glass explodes from behind his head.
Robert goes down on his hand and knees, his face curled in pain.
Trent tosses the broken neck of the Jack Daniels bottle, just as other bikers rush into the room.
A kick is delivered to Robert's ribs, a hand grabs his hair lifts his head and slams a meaty fist into his face.
He tries to roll over and another kick to his side.
Trent walks over to the wall and picks up a pistol grip shotgun. One handed he chambers a round.
Robert is about to lift himself, when a boot kicks him between the legs. Robert drops.
Trent witnesses this, turns to the biker that kicked him and slams the butt stock of the shotgun upside the bikers head.

TRENT
I said no kicking in the jewels. A man might need those down the road.
Robert lays on the ground, busted up face, nose bleeding, shiner under one eye. He rolls back and forth holding his groin.

TRENT
Just like anything in this world it’s blood in and blood out.
Trent lowers the shotgun barrel and presses it to Roberts cheek.

TRENT
I need to know now if you are completely with us? I need to know you are willing to die for your brothers.

ROBERT
Yes! You know I am.

TRENT
That’s not good enough. I need to believe you.
Robert pushes his head against the shotgun barrel digging into his cheek.

ROBERT
I’ve lived for this, I would die for this.

TRENT
My trigger finger is getting itchy.

ROBERT
Then pull the trigger. This is how far I’m willing to go!
Robert bites down on the end of the barrel. The shotgun is now in his mouth.
Trent’s finger caresses the trigger and – stops. A broad smile forms over his face.

TRENT
Is that how a good looking guy survives prison? You just bite on another man’s gun?
The shotgun disappears and something falls over Robert’s head.
He pulls it off. It is a biker cut. It is a picture of a skeleton riding a low rider bike. He is smoking a cigarette and flashes a deck of cards in his hands. The rockers state, Mongol Warriors biker chapter with San Pedro, California as the destination.
Other members help Robert to his feet and place it over his shoulders.
Trent gives him a big hug.

TRENT
Welcome brother, we need more men like you.
Other members congratulate the beat to shit Robert and push him toward the bar.

BAR
Trent shakes up a beer and pops the cap. It foams everywhere.

TRENT
Let the party begin!
Long into the night, beer flows, music is played and Robert is the toast of the town.

EXT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL – MORNING
Robert stumbles out of the bar along with other bikers, climbs on his bike and cranks her up.
He drifts out onto the road.
Halfway down, he pulls off into an alley.

ALLEY
Robert coasts up to a beat up, blue trash bin with the plastic lid already flipped up and full.
He grimaces as he reaches into the front of his jeans and pulls something out.
A broken receiver with a long cable with a small microphone on the end. He lifts the microphone and speaks into it.

ROBERT
Did you get that?
He tosses it in the trash and rides off.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy's Cycle scene 1

EXT. CLIPPER’S BAR AND GRILL/PARKING LOT – DAY.

The GROWL of a Harley motorcycle reverberates down the city street.
ROBERT (23) coasts his bike into the parking lot of Clipper’s bar.
He’s a good looking kid, square jawed, blue eyed with dark wind blown tussled hair. The thick neck shows he was a quarter back in high school before dropping out, the cut sleeves on his flannel show tattooed arms that gained muscle pumping iron in a prison rec yard.
In the line of motorcycles, an overweight, heavily bearded man in a biker cut and jeans, bends over and wipes down the chrome tailpipes of his 1940’s Harley Davidson Knucklehead bike.
Robert parks and gets a view of the man’s hairy ass crack.
ROBERT
God damn Trent, you ever think about getting that thing waxed?
TRENT (50) stands up with a beer belly and rag in hand. His beard is a mix of salt and pepper along with his hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. His face is sun worn with white marks from the shades he wears when he rides.
TRENT
What my ass? I only get it waxed if I’m going down to do some time. I don’t like to disappoint the boys.
Robert flicks out the kickstand and dismounts.
He walks up to Trent and they hug as if they were fraternal brothers.
TRENT
What took you? Everybody's inside waiting.
ROBERT
My boss was being an asshole. Threatening to go to my parole officer and tell them I was leaving work early.
TRENT
You want us to pay your boss a visit?
ROBERT
No, it’s okay. I’ll deal with him.
Trent pats him on the back and they both walk into –
INT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL
The music blares Bob Seger, “Bike Bunnies” or biker girls swarm over the other bikers by clinging to their necks or sitting in their laps.
Pitchers of beer flow and shots line the table.
Upon Robert and Trent walking in the room, it explodes into cheers.
Bikers come up and pat him on the shoulder, congratulate him with a hardy hug or handshake.
Trent pushes him through the crowd and over to the bar.
Standing at the bar on long legs and ample cleavage is HOLLY.
HOLLY
So your the illustrious Robert everyone is talking about?
ROBERT
I don’t think you heard that from Trent? I doubt he even knows what illustrious means?
Trent overhears and takes a shot from Jack Daniels.
TRENT
Sure I know what illustrious means. It’s the pictures in a book.
ROBERT
That’s illustrate.
HOLLY
Well if you want to teach me anymore words, I’ll be here all night.
She blows him a kiss and struts away.
TRENT
Not here ten minutes and already your night is planned.
ROBERT
Not with that one. Little Mike told me she has the crabs.
Trent begins to scratch at his beard.
TRENT
Really? Huh, I was with her last night?
Robert laughs, drops back a shot.
ROBERT
Who’s paying for this?
TRENT
Talked Clipper into footing the bill. As much as the boys drink at this establishment, he can afford to give a little back.
Another drink goes down. He pats Robert’s back.
TRENT
Finish your drink and follow me.
Trent drags the bottle of Jack off the table.
Robert drops back a shot, wipes his chin and follows Trent to the backroom.
BACKROOM
Trent opens a door and Robert enters the back stock room.
Boxes of liquor and beer line the walls.
As he steps into the blank room –
SMASH
Glass explodes from behind his head.
Robert goes down on his hand and knees, his face curled in pain.
Trent tosses the broken neck of the Jack Daniels bottle, just as other bikers rush into the room.
A kick is delivered to Robert's ribs, a hand grabs his hair lifts his head and slams a meaty fist into his face.
He tries to roll over and another kick to his side.
Trent walks over to the wall and picks up a pistol grip shotgun. One handed he chambers a round.
Robert is about to lift himself, when a boot kicks him between the legs. Robert drops.
Trent witnesses this, turns to the biker that kicked him and slams the butt stock of the shotgun upside the bikers head.
TRENT
I said no kicking in the jewels. A man might need those down the road.
Robert lays on the ground, busted up face, nose bleeding, shiner under one eye. He rolls back and forth holding his groin.
TRENT
Just like anything in this world it’s blood in and blood out.
Trent lowers the shotgun barrel and presses it to Roberts cheek.
TRENT
I need to know now if you are completely with us? I need to know you are willing to die for your brothers.
ROBERT
Yes! You know I am.
TRENT
That’s not good enough. I need to believe you.
Robert pushes his head against the shotgun barrel digging into his cheek.
ROBERT
I’ve lived for this, I would die for this.
TRENT
My trigger finger is getting itchy.
ROBERT
Then pull the trigger. This is how far I’m willing to go!
Robert bites down on the end of the barrel. The shotgun is now in his mouth.
Trent’s finger caresses the trigger and – stops. A broad smile forms over his face.
TRENT
Is that how a good looking guy survives prison? You just bite on another man’s gun?
The shotgun disappears and something falls over Robert’s head.
He pulls it off. It is a biker cut. It is a picture of a skeleton riding a low rider bike. He is smoking a cigarette and flashes a deck of cards in his hands. The rockers state, Mongol Warriors biker chapter with San Pedro, California as the destination.
Other members help Robert to his feet and place it over his shoulders.
Trent gives him a big hug.
TRENT
Welcome brother, we need more men like you.
Other members congratulate the beat to shit Robert and push him toward the bar.
BAR
Trent shakes up a beer and pops the cap. It foams everywhere.
TRENT
Let the party begin!
Long into the night, beer flows, music is played and Robert is the toast of the town.
EXT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL – MORNING
Robert stumbles out of the bar along with other bikers, climbs on his bike and cranks her up.
He drifts out onto the road.
Halfway down, he pulls off into an alley.
ALLEY
Robert coasts up to a beat up blue trash bin with the plastic lid already flipped up and full.
He grimaces as he reaches into the front of his jeans and pulls something out.
A broken receiver with a long cable with a small microphone on the end. He lifts the microphone and speaks into it.
ROBERT
Did you get that?
He then tosses it in the trash and rides off.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy Kirk: Profile People

What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is: Even the bad guy will hold the door for a little old lady before detonating a bomb in the bank.

Person 1
Loyal
Good-natured
Friendly
Self-destructive

Person 2
Humorous
Smart
Passive
Addict

Person 3
Bully
Cruel
Racist
Friendly

The litmus test for Person 1 was rather easy. He tends to get self-destructive while drinking. So, apply ample amounts of alcohol and watch him piss me off, his wife, make a fool of himself etc., etc.

The litmus test for Person 2 is rather difficult as they have passed away. However, Person 2 was a good friend who had a hidden fentanyl addiction. This ultimately took his life.
The litmus test for Person 3 was an individual I was friends with in my youth. This person was a bully, cruel to people weaker than himself and an inherit racist (his father taught him these things). But he was a friend to me until one day I just had enough and never sought his company again.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy Kirk Puts Essence to Work

What I learned is there is more to a scene than meets the eye.

Script I choose: Animal Control: Hell in a Cell

Scene 1 Location: First Act
Logline: Zahl the Purifier lands on a desolate dangerous planet to hire Rykron Pygz to go after the notorious bounty hunter Orgo-Juna.
Essence I’ve discovered: This scene is more about Zahl and his cruelty. He forces the Pygz to go into the razor glass sandstorm without protection to test their loyalty to him.
New Logline: Zahl chooses the last remining Rykron’s to hunt down Orgo-Juna and test their faith through sand ripping pain.

Scene 2 Location: First Act
Logline: Orgo-Juna is captured after taking out the Rykron soldiers.
Essence What is really taking place is a shift in power play. Zahl has outsmarted the bounty hunter and now takes hold of the dangerous outlaw.
New Logline: After handling the “Rykron problem” Orgo-Juna finds herself in a trap at the hands of the clever Zahl.

Scene 3 Location: First Act
Logline: Donny abducts Tommy and asks him to help break out Oriktuss, Orgo-Juna and Debra from the dreaded super max prison Kanis Riticulum. Tommy is hesitant and wants his life on earth back, so Donny straps him to chair and kidnaps him.
Essence: The relationship between Donny and Tommy. They are lifelong friends, so when Donny decides to kidnap Tommy for the greater good, it is done out of friendship.
New Logline: Donny lays out the escape plan for Tommy who refuses to help. So, Donny being the friend he is, helps Tommy to see the correct path by abducting him.

Scene 4 Location: Second Act
Logline: Donny is forced to steal another ship to use in the breakout.
Essence: Donny robs another alien at gunpoint and feels bad about possibly signaling he isn’t cut out to be a space pirate.
New Logline: Donny is forced by Tommy, to begrudgingly steal another ship from an alien minding his own business.

Scene 5 Location: Second Act
Logline Oriktuss and Thrasher fight off a pack of Rykron Pygz that Skull Licker has hired to take them out.
Essence: We see both Oriktuss and Thrasher “take out” the Rykron that hunt them in the prison. This established that both have their own way of dealing with problems, one through might the other through cunning.
New Logline: Oriktuss and Thrasher out maneuver and kill the attacking Rykron, even though they are outnumbered. This leaves Skull Licker to be exposed as the coward he is once his Bodyguards are all left in the dust.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy Kirk Finds the Essence.

Unforgiven
(What I learned is that great dialogue can at times be the everything of a script. I feel the dialogue is what makes this script shine and the way it is depicted on the page is the true essence of the script.)

Scene 1 Location: Beginning of Act One
Logline: William Munny practices his shooting and finds he can’t hit shit with a pistol and switches to a shotgun.
Essence: His young son and daughter watch Will intently almost embarrassed by the fact that he can’t hit the broad side of a barn. His daughter Penny asks the important question, “Did paw really kill folk?” The utter lack of gun skill will help us into thinking Munny is nothing more than a broken-down pig farmer.

Scene 2 Location: Beginning of Act One
Logline: William Munny tries to get on his horse and fails in front of his kids.
Essence: He tells his youngsters that in the day, he would have whipped the animal and abused it, but their mother taught him the error of his ways. This is important as he will begin to cuss and yell at the animal later as his “true” nature floats to the surface.

Scene 3 Location: Beginning of act three
Logline: William Munny receives the news of his friend Ned’s murder.
Essence: Will Munny slowly begins to become the man he said he would never become again. As he drinks and asks questions, the killer becomes more and more apparent.

Scene 4 Location: End of Act Three
Logline: William Munny enters the bar where his dead friend’s body is on full display and confronts Little Bill.
Essence: The stories we heard, the questions the Kid asked about Munny’s character are on full display. Little Bill pulled the tail of the snake, now the snake is here. Munny kills Little Bill and five others in a gunfight.

Scene 5 Location: Final Scene Act Three
Logline: The final scenes show a tombstone where William Munny’s wife is buried. Her mother made a journey to see the final resting place of her only daughter. It states,” And there was nothing on the stone to explain to Mrs. Feathers why her only daughter had married a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.”
Essence: These things Munny may have been, but he is also a man who would use these skills to make a better future for his kids and avenge his only friend.

My favorite scene is when William Munny is told Ned has been killed. This scene has some great dialogue. But the growing anger in him is great and leads us into the final showdown where we get to see this mystical killer of women and children William Munny.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Jeremy Kirk.
• This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Jeremy Kirk.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Hello, My name is Jeremy Kirk

I have written 25 scripts and 1 TV show. What i really hope to get out of this class are more tools for my tool box. There are things I am good at and other things I would like to get better at. I’ve always had a knack for writing and a particular voice in doing so. I work with a small writer’s group here in Arizona who know my writing pretty well, so I hope to gain some new tricks that will help me wow them at the table reads.

I once worked with Brian Pulido creator of Lady Death (Comic) in writing a script Killer Gnome. I also, early on, worked with Entity Eye and it’s creators in short films. We took 3rd place in the Phoenix Film Festival and myself have placed 2nd on FilmQuest for Best Un-produced Screenplay.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Jeremy Kirk
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.

[Jeremy Kirk]

Yeah, second time running into them. They have poor eye sight, well, they have poor everything. My dog just looks at me and says, “that’s one ugly looking dog.” i tell him not to judge. But I had a question. I’ve added Max Interest Techniques to my scene, but I find them to be not value added? meaning, I might be adding another Anticipatory Dialogue, to other’s I already have and in reality would probably cut it. Are you having this issue?

And as for adding something like a Hook. i could, but would mean a rewrite of the scene? Also, could a scene technically have a hook by how it ends? Meaning the cliffhanger and situation the characters find themselves at the end could be a Hook?