Jeremy Kirk
Forum Replies Created
-
Jeremy Kirk Challenging Situations
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is, other paths can be forged in a script depending on which road you chose to take.
Scene 1:
A. Current Scene Logline: Dr. Jekyll speaks to his fiancé Dana. Dana is concerned about his morphine addiction and how much he is working.B. Essence: The essence of this scene is Dr. Jeckyll has not told Dana that he is working on a serum that will take away addictive impulses. He wants it to be a surprise to her that he is working on a cure for his addiction.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges. Dr. Jekyll could outright tell her, he could continue to lie about it, Hyde could rear his head sooner and break apart the relationship.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. I might make Dr. Jekyll cagier about his morphine use. Dana is aware so it may put more of a strain on the relationship if he acts this way.
Scene 2:
A. Current Scene Logline: Kurtis Lepke is in an interrogation room being interviewed by a Detective and Reporter.B. Essence: Lepke is trying to sell the story that he was hired by the mayor to kill and feed people of the city to underground beasts.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges. Lepke could offer to take them down and show them. He could completely deny any of the killings. He could simply say there are others out there doing his bidding.
D. Quick summary of how you will write the scene differently with the new challenge. In the end, the detective, reporter and others do ascend into the underground rail system. I don’t know that any of these ideas better the character or plot in any way.
-
“What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is, the characters are in the script and can be explained through several traits”
Title: Jeremy Kirk Full-out Characters for pilot WRATHBONE and scripts ANIMAL CONTROL and TOUGH GUY.CURRENT:
DESCRIPTION: MARRO WRATHBONE is a barbarian Orc who is harboring a secret.
TRAITS: Strong, Loyal, Street Smart, Brutal
SUBTEXT: Marro is a gay Orc in a society that does not accept such things.
REVISED:
DESCRIPTION: MARRO WRATHBONE has set out on an adventure, but secretly, he is in search of his lost lover.
TRAITS: Strong, Loyal, Secretive, Uncompromising
SUBTEXT: Marro will slaughter anyone and anything in his path to get to the one he loves.
CURRENT:DESCRIPTION: ORIKTUSS is a crash-landed alien in search of help
TRAITS: Friendly, Loyal, Brave, Fearless
SUBTEXT: Oriktuss crashes on earth and accidentally releases dangerous alien animals set for destruction. He requires the help of two teens if he’s ever going to live down this mistake.
REVISED:
DESCRIPTION: Oriktuss love for earth music causes an accident and propels him and others to hunt for very deadly space animals.
TRAITS: Friendly, Loyal, Bad Ass, Strange
SUBTEXT: Oriktuss does not want to disappoint his father or the family business, so he will stop at nothing to hunt down the renegade aliens.CURRENT:
DESCRIPTION: GUY MICHAEL STEELE is an aging action star who still thinks he has the chops.
TRAITS: Asshole, Pompous, Arrogant, Aggressive
SUBTEXT: Guy can’t accept he is a washed up has been and flies to Saudi Arabia to make a movie that will change his life.
REVISED:
DESCRIPTION: Guy joins an action movie production in Saudi Arabia but is unaware that he will have to fight for his life on this film.
TRAITS: Still an Asshole, Idiotic, Gullible, Aggressive
SUBTEXT: Guy finds out what he’s truly made of in an action film set to blow away all action films.-
This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by
-
Scene Assignment QE #2: (Double the Quality)
What did I learn? I learned that a second pass can really bring the writing to life. i added more detail to the script which i think helped.
LOGLINE: a corrupt cop finds an ex-con he just recently ripped off standing in his home with a gun to his wife's head.
ESSENCE: The negotiation between the two is the key, the give and take of information.
EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE – NIGHT.
JOHN, a corrupt cop who lives life on the razor’s edge, busts down the door.
Standing in the living room is junkie ex-con, NICK, who holds a sawed-off double barrel shotgun to John’s wife’s head.
John stops when he sees the shotgun nestled against his wife’s ear. (Suspense)NICK
Slow your roll J, anyone else joining the party?JOHN
You know I work alone. This is between you and I. Know one else needs to be privy to our conversation.NICK
Where’s the money John! Where’s the money you jacked from my crew?JOHN
Gone. I gambled it away.NICK
Gambled it away! It was 125 G’s.JOHN
What can I say, it was a bad run. Besides, it wasn’t my money.NICK
That’s bad news. Real bad news for the Misses, here. (Uncertainty – fear)
John begins to laugh to himself. He holds a hand to his mouth to cover it up. (Character Changes radically)
The hostage, John’s WIFE looks concerned, even more so than before.
Nick’s eyelid twitches and he pushes the gun against her head.NICK
What…what’s so funny?
John pulls his shit together.JOHN
You picked the worst day to pull this off. Seriously.
Grinding his teeth, twitchy and confused, Nick spits out.NICK
Your messing with me cop, trying some sort of mind game?JOHN
Not at all. This morning I was served divorce papers.
He holds up his hand and slides it into his coat pocket and pulls out some papers. He tosses them on the table.JOHN
Go ahead, read them.
Nick, get’s a better grip on the shotgun.NICK
No you read em’.JOHN
I already have. My wife, the one you have a gun against her head, wants a divorce. Which means I loose my house, part of my pension, and probably my dog.NICK
The dog? Your going to take the man’s dog!WIFE
I…I…NICK
Shut up, no one wants to hear from you.JOHN
It seems the late night cases, bundles of stolen money and drugs, and my plain just scumbag personality have caught up with me. So, you see the quandary we’re in?NICK
The quan…what?JOHN
You have a hostage that you are threatening the life of – and well quiet frankly, I don’t care. (Surprise, Twist, Superior Position)
Nick pauses.NICK
I’ll blow her head off man!JOHN
Be my guest.WIFE
John!
The wife is shaking with adrenaline and fear.JOHN
Perhaps we can go about this another way.
Nick peers from behind the wife’s head.JOHN
Perhaps I could shoot her? (Surprise, Twist, Betrayal of wife, Mislead)
The wife’s eyes bulge at this request.NICK
Wait, you want to shoot her?JOHN
Yeah, it’s the least I could do for taking the dog.NICK
You…want to shoot…your own wife?JOHN
Sure, I mean will an opportunity like this ever come around again? Think about it. I take a shot meant for you and hit her. It happens all the time in hostage situations. (Intrigue)NICK
Uh..ok..but what happens to me?JOHN
You did me a solid, so you just run out the back. No harm, no foul.NICK
No way cop, how do I know you won’t shoot me in the back?JOHN
You got a shotgun? Keep it trained on me as you make your escape. I’ll say I was overtaken with shock and grief at the death of my wife to give chase. Plus, I will be in the middle of life saving procedures.
John gives Nick a wink.JOHN
Besides, you ain’t looking so hot. Sweating all over, pale skin. You need a fix. The sooner you let me shoot her, the sooner you can get your fix. Otherwise, we’ll be here all night.
Nick licks his chapped lips. Red and blue lights flicker off his sweaty face as cop cars pull up.JOHN
Look, you know I’m no saint. I’ve stolen money from drug dealers, been on the payroll for mobsters, and done my fair share of killing. I’m a scumbag just like you. The only difference is, I’m smart enough to have a badge.NICK
I do this for you and we’re square?JOHN
You have my word. Now, may I take out my pistol?NICK
Yeah, but do it slow.
John slowly pulls his heavy revolver from the shoulder holster.NICK
Okay, because your bitch of a wife is taking the dog, we’re going to do this. But we do it MY way!JOHN
Whatever you say hoss.
Nick starts to step away from the petrified wife.JOHN
Hold on there. I need you to secure her while I shoot. Can’t have her running away with multiple bullets in her. The ballistics needs to look clean.
Nick nods in understanding and plants the shotgun back to her head and stands behind her.JOHN
You ready?
Nick gets a yellow toothed smile. He likes this plan.NICK
Yeah, shoot the bitch.
John raises the pistol. Down the sight, he can see the scared water filled eyes of his wife. She silently mouths the words of a prayer.
His finger curls around the trigger. (Intrigue)JOHN
You might want to move your head out of the way.
Nick pulls his head back from behind the wife’s and –
BAM!
A fist sized hole punches through his forehead, he drops. (Betrayal, Twist, Surprise, Reveal, Character changes Radically, Hope)
John rushes over and takes his wife in his arms, with his gun trained on the downed Nick, leads her out.
With tears and blood spatter across her face, she looks at John.WIFE
Fine you son-of-a-bitch, you can keep the dog.-
This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by
-
LOGLINE: Super cop John races home to find criminal junkie Nick holding his wife hostage.
ESSENCE: This is all about the negotiation between the characters.
What I learned? This time it took a little bit to come up with a scene. I think because the idea would be either at Act 1 of a script or Act 3 ending scene. either would have elements of story at play that would be shaping the scene. But I managed to churn something out.
EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE – NIGHT.
JOHN, a corrupt cop who lives life on the razor’s edge, busts down the door.
Standing in the living room is junkie ex-con, NICK, who holds a sawed-off double barrel shotgun to John’s wife’s head.
John stops when he sees the shotgun nestled against his wife’s ear.NICK
Slow your roll J, anyone else joining the party?JOHN
You know I work alone. This is between you and I, leave her out of it.NICK
Who’s got the upper hand now! Make a move and we redecorate the living room.
John begins to laugh to himself. He holds up a hand to his mouth to cover it up.
The hostage, John’s WIFE looks concerned, even more so than before.
Nick’s eyelid twitches and he pushes the gun against her head.NICK
What’s so funny?
John pulls his shit together.JOHN
You picked the worst day to pull this off. Seriously.
Grinding his teeth, twitchy and confused, he spits out.NICK
Your messing with me cop, trying some sort of mind game?JOHN
Not at all. This morning I was served divorce papers.
He holds up his hand and slides it into his coat pocket and pulls out some papers. He tosses them on the table.JOHN
Go ahead, read them.
Nick, get’s a better grip on the shotgun.NICK
No you read em’.JOHN
I already have. My wife, the one you have a gun against her head, wants a divorce. Which means I loose my house, part of my pension, and probably my dog.NICK
The dog? Your going to take the man’s dog!WIFE
I…I…NICK
Shut up, no one wants to hear from you.JOHN
So you see the quandary we’re in?NICK
The quan…what?JOHN
You have a hostage that you are threatening the life of – and well quiet frankly, I don’t care.
Nick pauses.NICK
I’ll blow her head off man!JOHN
Be my guest.WIFE
John!The wife is shaking with adrenaline and fear.
JOHN
Perhaps we can go about this another way.
Nick peers from behind the wife’s head.JOHN
Perhaps I could shoot her?
The wife’s eyes bulge at this request.NICK
Wait, you want to shoot her?JOHN
Yeah, it’s the least I could do for taking the dog.NICK
So, you want to shoot your own wife?JOHN
Sure, I mean will an opportunity like this ever come around again? Think about it. I take a shot meant for you and hit her. It happens all the time in hostage situations.NICK
Uh..ok..but what happens to me?JOHN
You did me a solid, so you just run out the back. No harm no foul.NICK
No way cop, how do I know you won’t shoot me in the back?JOHN
You got a shotgun? Keep it trained on me as you make your escape. I’ll say I was overtaken with shock and grief at the death of my wife to give chase. Plus, I will be in the middle of life saving procedures.
John gives Nick a wink.JOHN
Besides, you ain’t looking so hot. Sweating all over, pale skin. You need a fix. The sooner you let me shoot her, the sooner you can get your fix.
Nick licks his chapped lips.JOHN
Look, you know I’m no saint. I’ve stolen money from drug dealers, been on the payroll for mobsters, and done my fair share of killing. You can trust me when I say the bitch has it coming.NICK
You shoot her and we’re square?JOHN
You have my word. Now, may I take out my pistol?NICK
Yeah, but do it slow.
John slowly pulls his heavy revolver from the shoulder holster.NICK
Okay, because your bitch of a wife is taking the dog, we’re going to do this. But we do it MY way!JOHN
Whatever you say hoss.
Nick starts to step away from the petrified wife.JOHN
Hold on there. I need you to hold her while I shoot. Can’t have her running away with multiple bullets in her. The ballistics needs to look clean.
Nick nods in head in understanding and plants the shotgun to her head and stands behind her.JOHN
You ready?
Nick gets a yellow toothed smile.NICK
Yeah, shoot the bitch.
John raises the pistol, squints one eye and –JOHN
You might want to move your head out of the way.
Nick pulls his head back from behind the wife’s and –
BAM!
A fist sized hole punches through his head, he drops.
John rushes over and takes his wife in his arms, with his gun trained on the downed Nick, leads her out.
With tears and snot running down her face, she looks at John.WIFE
Fine, you can keep the dog.-
This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by
-
Jeremy's Double Quality scene
EXT. CLIPPER’S BAR AND GRILL/PARKING LOT – DAY.
The GROWL of a Harley motorcycle reverberates down the city street.
ROBERT (23) coasts his bike into the parking lot of Clipper’s bar.
He’s a good looking kid, square jawed, blue eyed with dark, wind blown tussled hair.In the line of motorcycles, an overweight, heavily bearded man in a biker cut and jeans, bends over and wipes down the chrome tailpipes of his 1940’s Harley Davidson Knucklehead bike.
Robert parks and gets a view of the man’s hairy ass crack.ROBERT
God damn Trent, you ever think about getting that thing waxed?TRENT (50) stands up with a beer belly and rag in hand.
TRENT
What my ass? I only get it waxed if I’m going down to do some time. I don’t like to disappoint the boys.
Robert flicks out the kickstand and dismounts.He walks up to Trent and they hug as if they were fraternal brothers.
TRENT
What took you? Everybody's inside waiting.ROBERT
My boss was being an asshole. Threatening to go to my parole officer and tell them I was leaving work early.TRENT
You want us to pay your boss a visit?ROBERT
No, it’s okay. I’ll deal with him.
Trent pats him on the back and they both walk into –INT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL
The music blares Bob Seger, “Bike Bunnies” or biker girls swarm over the other bikers by clinging to their necks or sitting in their laps.
Pitchers of beer flow and shots line the table.
Upon Robert and Trent walking in the room, it explodes into cheers.
Bikers come up and pat him on the shoulder, congratulate him with a hardy hug or handshake.
Trent pushes him through the crowd and over to the bar.
Standing at the bar on long legs and ample cleavage is HOLLY. She eyeballs Robert hungerly. Trent notices.TRENT
Not here ten minutes and already your night is planned.
Holly slinks across the room, rubs a hand through his hair while the other grabs his crotch.
Robert, smiles and politely removes the offending hand. Holly slinks away.ROBERT
Not with that one. Little Mike told me she has the crabs.TRENT
Really? Huh, I was with her last night?
Trent begins to scratch at his beard.
Robert laughs, drops back a shot.ROBERT
Who’s paying for this?
TRENT
Talked Clipper into footing the bill. As much as the boys drink at this establishment, he can afford to give a little back.
Another drink goes down. He pats Robert’s back.
TRENT
Finish your drink and follow me to Church.Trent drags the bottle of Jack off the table.
Robert drops back a shot, wipes his chin and follows Trent to the backroom.BACKROOM
Trent opens a door and Robert enters the back stock room.
Boxes of liquor and beer line the walls.
As he steps into the blank room –
SMASH
Glass explodes from behind his head.
Robert goes down on his hand and knees, his face curled in pain.
Trent tosses the broken neck of the Jack Daniels bottle, just as other bikers rush into the room.
A kick is delivered to Robert's ribs, a hand grabs his hair lifts his head and slams a meaty fist into his face.
He tries to roll over and another kick to his side.
Trent walks over to the wall and picks up a pistol grip shotgun. One handed he chambers a round.
Robert is about to lift himself, when a boot kicks him between the legs. Robert drops.
Trent witnesses this, turns to the biker that kicked him and slams the butt stock of the shotgun upside the bikers head.TRENT
I said no kicking in the jewels. A man might need those down the road.
Robert lays on the ground, busted up face, nose bleeding, shiner under one eye. He rolls back and forth holding his groin.TRENT
Just like anything in this world it’s blood in and blood out.
Trent lowers the shotgun barrel and presses it to Roberts cheek.TRENT
I need to know now if you are completely with us? I need to know you are willing to die for your brothers.ROBERT
Yes! You know I am.TRENT
That’s not good enough. I need to believe you.
Robert pushes his head against the shotgun barrel digging into his cheek.ROBERT
I’ve lived for this, I would die for this.TRENT
My trigger finger is getting itchy.ROBERT
Then pull the trigger. This is how far I’m willing to go!
Robert bites down on the end of the barrel. The shotgun is now in his mouth.
Trent’s finger caresses the trigger and – stops. A broad smile forms over his face.TRENT
Is that how a good looking guy survives prison? You just bite on another man’s gun?
The shotgun disappears and something falls over Robert’s head.
He pulls it off. It is a biker cut. It is a picture of a skeleton riding a low rider bike. He is smoking a cigarette and flashes a deck of cards in his hands. The rockers state, Mongol Warriors biker chapter with San Pedro, California as the destination.
Other members help Robert to his feet and place it over his shoulders.
Trent gives him a big hug.TRENT
Welcome brother, we need more men like you.
Other members congratulate the beat to shit Robert and push him toward the bar.BAR
Trent shakes up a beer and pops the cap. It foams everywhere.TRENT
Let the party begin!
Long into the night, beer flows, music is played and Robert is the toast of the town.EXT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL – MORNING
Robert stumbles out of the bar along with other bikers, climbs on his bike and cranks her up.
He drifts out onto the road.
Halfway down, he pulls off into an alley.ALLEY
Robert coasts up to a beat up, blue trash bin with the plastic lid already flipped up and full.
He grimaces as he reaches into the front of his jeans and pulls something out.
A broken receiver with a long cable with a small microphone on the end. He lifts the microphone and speaks into it.ROBERT
Did you get that?
He tosses it in the trash and rides off.-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by
-
Jeremy's Cycle scene 1
EXT. CLIPPER’S BAR AND GRILL/PARKING LOT – DAY.
The GROWL of a Harley motorcycle reverberates down the city street.
ROBERT (23) coasts his bike into the parking lot of Clipper’s bar.
He’s a good looking kid, square jawed, blue eyed with dark wind blown tussled hair. The thick neck shows he was a quarter back in high school before dropping out, the cut sleeves on his flannel show tattooed arms that gained muscle pumping iron in a prison rec yard.
In the line of motorcycles, an overweight, heavily bearded man in a biker cut and jeans, bends over and wipes down the chrome tailpipes of his 1940’s Harley Davidson Knucklehead bike.
Robert parks and gets a view of the man’s hairy ass crack.
ROBERT
God damn Trent, you ever think about getting that thing waxed?
TRENT (50) stands up with a beer belly and rag in hand. His beard is a mix of salt and pepper along with his hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. His face is sun worn with white marks from the shades he wears when he rides.
TRENT
What my ass? I only get it waxed if I’m going down to do some time. I don’t like to disappoint the boys.
Robert flicks out the kickstand and dismounts.
He walks up to Trent and they hug as if they were fraternal brothers.
TRENT
What took you? Everybody's inside waiting.
ROBERT
My boss was being an asshole. Threatening to go to my parole officer and tell them I was leaving work early.
TRENT
You want us to pay your boss a visit?
ROBERT
No, it’s okay. I’ll deal with him.
Trent pats him on the back and they both walk into –
INT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL
The music blares Bob Seger, “Bike Bunnies” or biker girls swarm over the other bikers by clinging to their necks or sitting in their laps.
Pitchers of beer flow and shots line the table.
Upon Robert and Trent walking in the room, it explodes into cheers.
Bikers come up and pat him on the shoulder, congratulate him with a hardy hug or handshake.
Trent pushes him through the crowd and over to the bar.
Standing at the bar on long legs and ample cleavage is HOLLY.
HOLLY
So your the illustrious Robert everyone is talking about?
ROBERT
I don’t think you heard that from Trent? I doubt he even knows what illustrious means?
Trent overhears and takes a shot from Jack Daniels.
TRENT
Sure I know what illustrious means. It’s the pictures in a book.
ROBERT
That’s illustrate.
HOLLY
Well if you want to teach me anymore words, I’ll be here all night.
She blows him a kiss and struts away.
TRENT
Not here ten minutes and already your night is planned.
ROBERT
Not with that one. Little Mike told me she has the crabs.
Trent begins to scratch at his beard.
TRENT
Really? Huh, I was with her last night?
Robert laughs, drops back a shot.
ROBERT
Who’s paying for this?
TRENT
Talked Clipper into footing the bill. As much as the boys drink at this establishment, he can afford to give a little back.
Another drink goes down. He pats Robert’s back.
TRENT
Finish your drink and follow me.
Trent drags the bottle of Jack off the table.
Robert drops back a shot, wipes his chin and follows Trent to the backroom.
BACKROOM
Trent opens a door and Robert enters the back stock room.
Boxes of liquor and beer line the walls.
As he steps into the blank room –
SMASH
Glass explodes from behind his head.
Robert goes down on his hand and knees, his face curled in pain.
Trent tosses the broken neck of the Jack Daniels bottle, just as other bikers rush into the room.
A kick is delivered to Robert's ribs, a hand grabs his hair lifts his head and slams a meaty fist into his face.
He tries to roll over and another kick to his side.
Trent walks over to the wall and picks up a pistol grip shotgun. One handed he chambers a round.
Robert is about to lift himself, when a boot kicks him between the legs. Robert drops.
Trent witnesses this, turns to the biker that kicked him and slams the butt stock of the shotgun upside the bikers head.
TRENT
I said no kicking in the jewels. A man might need those down the road.
Robert lays on the ground, busted up face, nose bleeding, shiner under one eye. He rolls back and forth holding his groin.
TRENT
Just like anything in this world it’s blood in and blood out.
Trent lowers the shotgun barrel and presses it to Roberts cheek.
TRENT
I need to know now if you are completely with us? I need to know you are willing to die for your brothers.
ROBERT
Yes! You know I am.
TRENT
That’s not good enough. I need to believe you.
Robert pushes his head against the shotgun barrel digging into his cheek.
ROBERT
I’ve lived for this, I would die for this.
TRENT
My trigger finger is getting itchy.
ROBERT
Then pull the trigger. This is how far I’m willing to go!
Robert bites down on the end of the barrel. The shotgun is now in his mouth.
Trent’s finger caresses the trigger and – stops. A broad smile forms over his face.
TRENT
Is that how a good looking guy survives prison? You just bite on another man’s gun?
The shotgun disappears and something falls over Robert’s head.
He pulls it off. It is a biker cut. It is a picture of a skeleton riding a low rider bike. He is smoking a cigarette and flashes a deck of cards in his hands. The rockers state, Mongol Warriors biker chapter with San Pedro, California as the destination.
Other members help Robert to his feet and place it over his shoulders.
Trent gives him a big hug.
TRENT
Welcome brother, we need more men like you.
Other members congratulate the beat to shit Robert and push him toward the bar.
BAR
Trent shakes up a beer and pops the cap. It foams everywhere.
TRENT
Let the party begin!
Long into the night, beer flows, music is played and Robert is the toast of the town.
EXT. CLIPPER'S BAR AND GRILL – MORNING
Robert stumbles out of the bar along with other bikers, climbs on his bike and cranks her up.
He drifts out onto the road.
Halfway down, he pulls off into an alley.
ALLEY
Robert coasts up to a beat up blue trash bin with the plastic lid already flipped up and full.
He grimaces as he reaches into the front of his jeans and pulls something out.
A broken receiver with a long cable with a small microphone on the end. He lifts the microphone and speaks into it.
ROBERT
Did you get that?
He then tosses it in the trash and rides off.-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by
-
Jeremy Kirk: Profile People
What I’ve learned that is improving my writing is: Even the bad guy will hold the door for a little old lady before detonating a bomb in the bank.
Person 1
Loyal
Good-natured
Friendly
Self-destructivePerson 2
Humorous
Smart
Passive
AddictPerson 3
Bully
Cruel
Racist
FriendlyThe litmus test for Person 1 was rather easy. He tends to get self-destructive while drinking. So, apply ample amounts of alcohol and watch him piss me off, his wife, make a fool of himself etc., etc.
The litmus test for Person 2 is rather difficult as they have passed away. However, Person 2 was a good friend who had a hidden fentanyl addiction. This ultimately took his life.
The litmus test for Person 3 was an individual I was friends with in my youth. This person was a bully, cruel to people weaker than himself and an inherit racist (his father taught him these things). But he was a friend to me until one day I just had enough and never sought his company again.-
This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by
-
Jeremy Kirk Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is there is more to a scene than meets the eye.
Script I choose: Animal Control: Hell in a Cell
Scene 1 Location: First Act
Logline: Zahl the Purifier lands on a desolate dangerous planet to hire Rykron Pygz to go after the notorious bounty hunter Orgo-Juna.
Essence I’ve discovered: This scene is more about Zahl and his cruelty. He forces the Pygz to go into the razor glass sandstorm without protection to test their loyalty to him.
New Logline: Zahl chooses the last remining Rykron’s to hunt down Orgo-Juna and test their faith through sand ripping pain.Scene 2 Location: First Act
Logline: Orgo-Juna is captured after taking out the Rykron soldiers.
Essence What is really taking place is a shift in power play. Zahl has outsmarted the bounty hunter and now takes hold of the dangerous outlaw.
New Logline: After handling the “Rykron problem” Orgo-Juna finds herself in a trap at the hands of the clever Zahl.Scene 3 Location: First Act
Logline: Donny abducts Tommy and asks him to help break out Oriktuss, Orgo-Juna and Debra from the dreaded super max prison Kanis Riticulum. Tommy is hesitant and wants his life on earth back, so Donny straps him to chair and kidnaps him.
Essence: The relationship between Donny and Tommy. They are lifelong friends, so when Donny decides to kidnap Tommy for the greater good, it is done out of friendship.
New Logline: Donny lays out the escape plan for Tommy who refuses to help. So, Donny being the friend he is, helps Tommy to see the correct path by abducting him.Scene 4 Location: Second Act
Logline: Donny is forced to steal another ship to use in the breakout.
Essence: Donny robs another alien at gunpoint and feels bad about possibly signaling he isn’t cut out to be a space pirate.
New Logline: Donny is forced by Tommy, to begrudgingly steal another ship from an alien minding his own business.Scene 5 Location: Second Act
Logline Oriktuss and Thrasher fight off a pack of Rykron Pygz that Skull Licker has hired to take them out.
Essence: We see both Oriktuss and Thrasher “take out” the Rykron that hunt them in the prison. This established that both have their own way of dealing with problems, one through might the other through cunning.
New Logline: Oriktuss and Thrasher out maneuver and kill the attacking Rykron, even though they are outnumbered. This leaves Skull Licker to be exposed as the coward he is once his Bodyguards are all left in the dust.-
This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by
-
Jeremy Kirk Finds the Essence.
Unforgiven
(What I learned is that great dialogue can at times be the everything of a script. I feel the dialogue is what makes this script shine and the way it is depicted on the page is the true essence of the script.)Scene 1 Location: Beginning of Act One
Logline: William Munny practices his shooting and finds he can’t hit shit with a pistol and switches to a shotgun.
Essence: His young son and daughter watch Will intently almost embarrassed by the fact that he can’t hit the broad side of a barn. His daughter Penny asks the important question, “Did paw really kill folk?” The utter lack of gun skill will help us into thinking Munny is nothing more than a broken-down pig farmer.Scene 2 Location: Beginning of Act One
Logline: William Munny tries to get on his horse and fails in front of his kids.
Essence: He tells his youngsters that in the day, he would have whipped the animal and abused it, but their mother taught him the error of his ways. This is important as he will begin to cuss and yell at the animal later as his “true” nature floats to the surface.Scene 3 Location: Beginning of act three
Logline: William Munny receives the news of his friend Ned’s murder.
Essence: Will Munny slowly begins to become the man he said he would never become again. As he drinks and asks questions, the killer becomes more and more apparent.Scene 4 Location: End of Act Three
Logline: William Munny enters the bar where his dead friend’s body is on full display and confronts Little Bill.
Essence: The stories we heard, the questions the Kid asked about Munny’s character are on full display. Little Bill pulled the tail of the snake, now the snake is here. Munny kills Little Bill and five others in a gunfight.Scene 5 Location: Final Scene Act Three
Logline: The final scenes show a tombstone where William Munny’s wife is buried. Her mother made a journey to see the final resting place of her only daughter. It states,” And there was nothing on the stone to explain to Mrs. Feathers why her only daughter had married a known thief and murderer, a man of notoriously vicious and intemperate disposition.”
Essence: These things Munny may have been, but he is also a man who would use these skills to make a better future for his kids and avenge his only friend.My favorite scene is when William Munny is told Ned has been killed. This scene has some great dialogue. But the growing anger in him is great and leads us into the final showdown where we get to see this mystical killer of women and children William Munny.
-
This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by Jeremy Kirk.
-
This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by
-
Hello, My name is Jeremy Kirk
I have written 25 scripts and 1 TV show. What i really hope to get out of this class are more tools for my tool box. There are things I am good at and other things I would like to get better at. I’ve always had a knack for writing and a particular voice in doing so. I work with a small writer’s group here in Arizona who know my writing pretty well, so I hope to gain some new tricks that will help me wow them at the table reads.
I once worked with Brian Pulido creator of Lady Death (Comic) in writing a script Killer Gnome. I also, early on, worked with Entity Eye and it’s creators in short films. We took 3rd place in the Phoenix Film Festival and myself have placed 2nd on FilmQuest for Best Un-produced Screenplay.
-
Jeremy Kirk
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class.