[Mary Albanese]

I forgot to post this before. It seems SO long ago. This was my first intro to QE scenes, which was an eye-opener.

FIRST QE SCENE – FIRST DRAFT
INT. SWANKY RESTERAUNT – NIGHT
The law firm hosts their annual Christmas party. People are excited.
SECRETARY
Old man Smith retired? They’ll have to pick a new partner. Who will it be?
In hushed whispers, people wonder. And throw furtive looks at the most likely candidate, the one with the smug face.
TRENT
Of course, it will be me.
ROBERT
And I helped you get there. Let’s toast. To our success.
TRENT
That’s right. I go up the ladder. As my assistant, you go with me.
Robert grabs a champagne goblet from a circulating waiter. He seems to stumble. Turns his back to Trent.
TRENT
You okay?
Robert hunches, his back to Trent. Is he doctoring the wine?
ROBERT
Just my trick knee. I’m fine. Here.
He hands Trent the champagne. Grabs another goblet from a waiter for himself.
ROBERT
To you making partner!
They clink glasses and drink. Trent scowls.
ROBERT
Yeah, they gave us the cheap shit. Of course, you’re used to much better. Hey, I know where they keep the good stuff. This way. Come on! You deserve it.
TRENT
I do.
Trent follows Robert to a back room. Robert holds the door open for Trent.
ROBERT
After you. After all, you’re the boss.
TRENT
You got that right.
Trent goes in. We see Robert has something behind his back.
Robert smiles. Behind his back… is that some kind of stick?
INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
It’s no wine cellar, it’s a dingy dark cleaning closet.
TRENT
Hey, what’s…
Trent stumbles.
TRENT
So dizzy… I…I …
Robert locks the door behind himself, and GRINS. He walks towards Trent, smacking something against his hand. It’s the biggest scariest baseball bat.
TRENT
Robert? Buddy?
ROBERT
You thought you were so smart, making me do your dirty work to get rid of old man Smith. Making me do ALL your work. Did you actually think I LIKE being your step-and-fetch-it boy? When I’m a lawyer, too?
TRENT
You need me. You charmed your way into the firm. You’re not qualified to…
ROBERT
And you pride yourself on knowing all the facts.
Robert slowly glides towards Trent who struggles to stay upright.
TRENT
You… you drugged me? And now you’re going to…
Robert smacks the baseball bat against his palm, and comes closer.
TRENT
No… no… please…
Robert reaches Trent. Robert holds the bat high, and…
WHACKS HIMSELF in the face!
TRENT
What the fuck?
ROBERT
(wailing)
Please, boss. Don’t hurt me. Don’t destroy me like you did old man Smith.
Robert LAUGHS, then SMACKS himself again, a big bruise already forming on his face.
TRENT
Wait! Stop! I didn’t…
ROBERT
Of course, you did. You brutally plotted to get rid of Smith. It was underhanded. Clever. And it worked. But since I knew, you don’t like loose ends, you had to get rid of me.
Robert WHACKS his own face again. He looks like a punching bag.
TRENT
You’re insane.
ROBERT
Am I? Once I go out there and they see my face, everyone will know what you did.
TRENT
I’ll be finished.
ROBERT
And I’ll be the new partner.
Trent struggles to stay upright.
TRENT
I’m going to be sick. Oh god, it’s all over. My career. Everything. At least… you’re not going to hurt me.
ROBERT
No, I can’t afford to.
Trent sighs.
ROBERT
At least, not where it shows.
With the bat Robert SMASHES Trent in the legs.
Trent falls into a miserable heap.
Robert drops the bat and RUNS out.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

You too! Whew! What a mental workout! I’m excited to see what it does for us all.

[Mary Albanese]

WHAT I LEARNED: I learned I could make it a little better by setting up the danger prediction early. I didn't inject us into danger right off the bat but I did hint at it.
I added another little reveal with setup. And a few extra bits. I don't know if I doubled the quality but I believe I made it better, which is the right direction.

EXT. DOCK – DAY
A marina in a tropical setting, a gentle breeze blowing.

CARLA, well-toned and no nonsense, breathes in the salt on the seat of a 32-foot charter boat. She’s the only passenger. Crusty Captain ALGIERS unties the boat from the dock.

CARLA
It’s paradise here. I needed this cruise tour all to myself. My job back home is quite stressful.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Just don’t dip your toes in the water. The sea here is full of killer sharks.

Captain Algiers hops in and slowly backs the boat out.
As it inches from the dock, someone JUMPS in. This is MARCUS, his loud Hawaii tourist shirt flapping.

MARCUS
Sorry, sorry, sorry I’m late. NOW you can take off, captain.

CARLA
Excuse me, but I chartered this boat for myself.

MARCUS
No, I chartered it for me. Captain, it looks like you double-booked.
But it’s okay. Go ahead and take off. She can fish, too, on my cruise.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Fine. Just remember, the cabin is off limits. It’s a lead paint insurance nightmare.

Captain Algiers nods at the large hook securing the cabin door. Then he steers the boat out into the sea.

CARLA
(to Marcus)
YOUR cruise? I’m here for whale watching. To enjoy the peace of nature. Please tell me your fishing is catch and release.

MARCUS
Catch them just to let them go? That doesn’t make sense.

CARLA
You would take these beautiful creatures from their home, abuse them, and torture them, for your fun?

MARCUS
No. I’m going to bash them on the head, gut them, and eat them. Don’t you eat fish?

CARLA
If it’s packaged, from the store. I don’t squeeze the life out of them.

MARCUS
Ah, I see. I’m a killer. And you’re a hypocrite.

She gives him a glare like acid.

Radio noise comes from the inside the cabin. Captain Algiers slips the hook off the door and scoots into the cabin, closing the door behind him.

INT. BOAT CABIN – DAY
Captain Algiers speaks into his radio.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
(into the radio)
Yes, I… It has to be today? But I… all right. I’ll meet you out there as soon as I can.

Angry, he storms out of the cabin and back to the deck.
Behind him, strewn around the cabin are STACKS OF ILLEGAL DRUGS.

EXT. BOAT – DAY
Captain Algiers emerges from the cabin. As he grabs the steering wheel, he takes a big swig of whiskey.

MARCUS
Everything okay, skipper?

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Yeah. But I need to meet a friend a few miles out.

MARCUS
Sure, go ahead.

CARLA
Excuse me, but who put you in charge of making decisions for MY tour?

MARCUS
The current heads out. Better chance of fish AND whales in deep water. You do want to see them, right?

She purses her lips.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
Sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable. Let’s change the subject. So, what do you do? Wait. Let me guess. Tight muscles, no tan except your left arm, no make-up. I’m thinking you drive a truck. A big one.

CARLA
Well, I… Actually, I drive a toxic waste tanker truck. How did you guess?

MARCUS
I put things together, like a logic puzzle. And I’ve got a big-ass imagination. Wanna know what I do? I’m a bookie. People pay me to place bets for them.

CARLA
You win money for them?

MARCUS
(laughs)
Mostly they lose money. The beauty of it — the more they lose, the more I make!

CARLA
You’re proud of that?

MARCUS
It’s fun! Hey, if they want to throw their cash away, why shouldn’t I score? You don’t agree?

CARLA
I’d rather not say what I’m thinking.

MARCUS
Come on, tough chick. Spit it out.

CARLA
You’re a bottom-feeder.

MARCUS
And you’re a dike. Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Carla SLAPS him.

Marcus grins.

MARCUS
You didn’t want to lose control, did you? Not in public. If you call Captain Ahab there ‘public.”

CARLA
I can’t do this. I just can’t.

She unhooks the cabin door and starts in.

Captain Algiers YANKS her back onto the deck. He slams the door shut, hooks it, and bars it with a spear gun jabbed into the wood.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
I said NO CABIN ACCESS!

Captain Algiers takes another swig as he steers. Marcus frowns. Carla looks nervously out to sea.
After a while she turns to Marcus.

CARLA
Since you do investments, I have a finance question. In private.

She nods towards the far corner of the boat. Marcus follows her there. When they’re as far from the captain as possible:

MARCUS
(quiet)
Okay. What did you see in the cabin?

CARLA
How did you..? Never mind. It’s drugs. He’s got bales of it all packaged up, ready to go.

Marcus thinks a moment. Then:

MARCUS
He’s going to unload them. Out at sea. Which means he’s going to have to get rid of us. They’ll have to kill us.

CARLA
In cold blood? You think he could do that?

MARCUS
You think he can’t? He’ll have no choice. He knows it. Why do you think he started drinking like that? Okay, here’s the plan. You get his attention. Get him focused away from that steering wheel. Then I can take control of the boat.

She frowns, nervous.

MARCUS
You can do this. Hey, you wrestle 1,000 pounds of toxic waste every day.

She nods. Then she perches on the seat behind the captain.

CARLA
Oh, Captain Algiers. It’s awfully hot, isn’t it?

Captain Algiers ignores her.

CARLA (CONT’D)
Captain, I said I am REALLY REALLY hot!

The captain turns his head towards her.

Carla WHIPS off her shirt, her chest fully exposed.

Captain Algiers stares.
Marcus stares.

CARLA (CONT’D)
(to Marcus)
Excuse me!

MARCUS
Sorry!

With the whisky bottle, Marcus BASHES the captain over the head. The captain crumbles to the floor.
Carla wiggles back into her shirt.

CARLA
Is he all right?

Marcus takes the steering wheel and turns the boat around.

MARCUS
We’ll deal with that later. I’m getting us out of here. I don’t see his “friends.” I think we’re okay.

Carla finds a pair of binoculars and scans the horizon.

CARLA
Yes, it looks clear. Wait! I see something!

MARCUS
Where? WHERE?

CARLA
No, it’s just a buoy. You’re right. We’re… oh no! A boat! Really far out but heading straight towards us. FAST! What do we do? Dump the drugs? Fight them off?

MARCUS
They’ll have guns! And we don’t even have a life-boat. Wait — he didn’t tell them he had passengers, did he? They might think he got drunk and tripped. Hey, can you swim?

CARLA
Killer sharks? Or drug lords with guns?
(her face grim, she nods)
Yeah, I can swim.

He turns the ship to face the oncoming dot on the horizon. They look down at the raging waves, the water so cold. The land so far.

CARLA (CONT’D)
If this works, I’ll never forget that you saved me.

MARCUS
You saved me back.

CARLA
I’m not a dike.

MARCUS
I know.

He pulls her to him and plants a quick kiss. To her surprise, she kisses him back.

They hold hands.

Together they JUMP.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: re-posted so that it gets the line spacing correct
• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: Just for fun, to up the fear/hope and make their fight a little more physical

[Mary Albanese]

Logline: Extreme danger makes Marcus and Carla realize that opposites DO attract.
Essence: The line between love and hate can be fuzzy, elastic, and surprising.

EXT. DOCK – DAY

CARLA, well-toned and no nonsense, perches on the back seat of a 32-foot charter boat. Crusty Captain ALGIERS unties the boat from the dock. He hops in and takes the steering wheel to back it away.

As it inches out, someone JUMPS in. This is MARCUS, his Hawaii tourist shirt flapping.

MARCUS
Sorry, sorry, sorry I’m late. NOW you can take off, Captain Ahab.

CARLA
Pardon me, but I chartered this boat.

MARCUS
No, I did.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
I double-booked?

MARCUS
It’s okay. You can take off. We’ll share. I don’t mind if she fishes, too, on my charter.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Fine. Just remember, the cabin is off limits.

Captain Algiers steers the boat away from the dock.

CARLA
(to Marcus)
YOUR charter? I’m here for whale watching. To enjoy the beauty of nature. I hope your fishing is catch and release.

MARCUS
Catch them just to let them go? That doesn’t make sense.

CARLA
You’re going to take these beautiful creatures from their environment, abuse them, and torture them, for your fun?

MARCUS
No. I’m going to bash them on the head, gut them, and eat them. Don’t you eat fish?

CARLA
I do. Packaged, from the store. I don’t squeeze the life out of them.

MARCUS
Ah, I see. I’m a killer. And you’re a hypocrite.

She gives him a glare like acid.

Radio noise comes from the inside the cabin. Captain Algiers leaves the wheel and goes into the cabin.

INT. BOAT CABIN – DAY
Captain Algiers speaks into his radio.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
(into the radio)
Yes, I… It has to be today? But I… all right. I’ll meet you out there as soon as I can.

Angry, he stomps out of the cabin.
Behind him in the cabin sits stacks of illegal drugs.

EXT. BOAT – DAY
As Captain Algiers resumes steering the big wheel, he takes a swig of whiskey.

MARCUS
Everything okay, skipper?

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
Yes. But I need to meet a friend a few miles out.

MARCUS
Go ahead.

CARLA
Excuse me, but who put you in charge of making decisions for MY tour?

MARCUS
The current heads out. Better chance of whales in deep water. You do want to see them, right?

She purses her lips.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
Okay. I’m making you uncomfortable. Let’s change the subject. So, what do you do? Wait. Let me guess. Tight muscles, no tan, no make-up. I’m thinking you drive a truck. A big one.

CARLA
No, I… Actually, it’s a tanker truck. How did you guess?

MARCUS
I put things together, like a logic puzzle. And I’ve got a big-ass imagination. Wanna know what I do? I’m a bookie. People pay me to place bets for them.

CARLA
You win money for them?

Marcus laughs.

MARCUS
Mostly they lose money. The beauty of it — the more they lose, the more I make!

CARLA
You’re proud of that?

MARCUS
It’s fun! Hey, if they want to throw their cash away, why shouldn’t I score? You don’t agree?

CARLA
I’d rather not say what I’m thinking.

MARCUS
Come on, tough chick. Spit it out.

CARLA
You’re a bottom-feeder.

MARCUS
And you’re a dike. Oops. Did I say that out loud?

She turns red with rage — her hands shake.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
You want to hit me, don’t you? But you can’t, because we’re in public.

He looks at Captain Algiers, taking another glug of whiskey.

MARCUS (CONT’D)
If you call Captain Ahab ‘public.’

CARLA
I can’t do this. I just can’t.

She bolts into the cabin.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS
No! Get back out here!

Captain Algiers dives into the cabin after her. He pulls her out and slams the cabin door shut. Then blocks it with a spear gun shoved into the door jam.

CAPTAIN ALGIERS (CONT’D)
I told you when you booked — lead paint, asbestos, insurance nightmare. NO CABIN ACCESS.

Captain Algiers takes another swig as he steers. Marcus frowns. Carla looks nervously out to sea.

Then she goes to Marcus.

CARLA
Since you do finance, I want to ask an investment question. In private.

She nods towards the far corner of the boat. They go. When they’re as far from the captain as possible:

MARCUS
(quiet)
Okay. Shoot. What did you see in the cabin?

CARLA
How did you..? Never mind. It’s drugs. He’s got bales of them all packaged up, ready to go.

Marcus thinks a moment. Then:

MARCUS
He’s going to unload them. Out at sea. Which means he’s going to have to get rid of us. They’ll have to kill us.

CARLA
In cold blood? You think he could do that?

MARCUS
You think he can’t? Think about it. He’ll have no other choice. Okay, here’s the plan. You get his attention for five seconds. Then I’ll take control of the boat.

CARLA
How are you going to do that?

MARCUS
Just give me those five seconds.

She nods. Then she goes to her seat behind the captain.

CARLA
Oh, Captain. It’s awfully hot, isn’t it?

Captain Algiers ignores her.

CARLA (CONT’D)
Captain, I said I am REALLY REALLY hot!

Captain Algiers turns his head towards her.

Carla WHIPS off her shirt, her chest fully exposed.

Captain Algiers stares.

Marcus stares.

CARLA (CONT’D)
(to Marcus)
Hey!

Marcus takes the whisky bottle and BASHES the captain over the head. The captain crumbles to the floor.

Carla wiggles back into her shirt.

CARLA (CONT’D)
Is he all right?

Marcus takes the steering wheel and turns the boat around.

MARCUS
The question is… can we get out of here before his “friends” track us down? Quick. Find something to scope the horizon.

As he steers, she finds a pair of binoculars. And sees:

CARLA
Damn! There’s a boat heading towards us! Really fast. What do we do? Dump the drugs? Fight them off?

MARCUS
They’ll have guns! And we don’t even have a life-boat. But wait — they don’t know he had people on board, do they? They might think he tripped. Got drunk and fell. Listen. Can you swim?

CARLA
Sharks? Or drug lords with guns? Yeah, I can swim.

He turns the ship to face the oncoming boat. They look down at the raging waves, the water so cold. The land so far.

CARLA (CONT’D)
If this works, I will never forget – you saved me.

MARCUS
You saved me back.

CARLA
I’m not a dike.

MARCUS
I know.

He pulls her to him and kisses her. She kisses him back.

They hold hands…

And JUMP.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: re-posted so that it gets the line spacing correct

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned: Just when you think your scene can't get better, give it a day or two. Consider examples of great scenes. And you CAN make it better.

BLACK SCREEN

The sounds of frantic panicked breathing mixed with an agonized whimper. A woman, apparently. Frightened to pieces.

Steps approach and echo against a hard floor. A light bounces towards her, from the approaching man’s cell phone.

MAN’S VOICE
Brandy? Is that you?

He aims his phone light at her. Backlit by his phone, PHILLIP appears in his expensive diplomat’s suit.

His phone shines on a woman in a squalid jail cell, her make-up streaked from tears, her fancy ball-gown a rumpled mess. This is BRANDY, somehow gorgeous in spite of her situation.

BRANDY
Oh, Phillip! Thank god you’re here. What’s going on? Why have they put me in this…

She sees from his light that her jail cell wall is streaked with piss… and blood. She SCREAMS.

PHILLIP
Quiet, please, darling! I’m taking a risk just coming here.

BRANDY
You’ve got to get me out!

PHILLIP
I’m trying, my dear. But they think you stole something from a store. And we’re not in London anymore, this is North Korea.

BRANDY
I didn’t steal anything! I did go into a high end shop. You know I love my name brands. But I didn’t take anything. They searched my purse. Tell them to search my hotel room. Please! They’ll find I took nothing! Oh, why did you make me come on this horrible trip?

PHILLIP
It seemed prudent at the time. After my fiasco in Russia, I needed you by my side. You light up every room with your sheer presence. Everything was going so well. You charmed everyone at that diplomatic dinner tonight.

BRANDY
Is that why you married me? To boost your career? This is one shit-hole of a honeymoon. You must get me out!

PHILLIP
I’ve tried. I talked to all the generals. They say Kim Jong Un did laugh at your jokes at dinner. And he seemed to enjoy the dance. He might be generous, even if you were found guilty.

BRANDY
Guilty? Of what? What do they think I took?

He bites his lip.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
WHAT!?! You have to tell me!

PHILLIP
A tube of lipstick.

BRANDY
Me? Steal lipstick? Why would I do that? They don’t even have the good French stuff! Why did they think that?

PHILLIP
They say their cameras showed you were acting suspiceous near the lipstick aisle. I wish you hadn’t embarassed me like this. I can’t have a thing like this on my record.

BRANDY
Your record? Phillip, fix this. That’s what you do, right?

PHILLIP
I have been known to pull strings.

BRANDY
So there’s hope? I mean, if all they think I took was a little tube of lipstick? What would I get? A fine?

PHILLIP
You’d get whatever Kim Jong Un decides.

BRANDY
You mean, how big of a fine?

PHILLIP
More like, how long the sentence could be.

BRANDY
But it could be short?

PHILLIP
Extremely.

BRANDY
Whew! That’s good to hear.

PHILLIP
No, Brandy. An extremely short sentence could mean a speedy… termination.

BRANDY
What!?! My god I’m going to faint.

PHILLIP
I’m trying. I really am. I didn’t realize your charming flamboyance could be so dangerous.

General PARK approaches with two burly armed GUARDS.

PARK
Miss Brandy, we searched your room tonight and we found the lipstick.

BRANDY
Oh, my god!!!!

Brandy swoons.

PARK
No, we found the lipstick in the store. On another shelf.

Brandy fans herself and bats her eyes, a la Marilyn.

BRANDY
Oh, silly me. I must have picked it up and put it down in the wrong spot. It really was lovely. You have such a lovely country here.

PARK
You are free to go. Guards! Open the jail cell door!

BRANDY
My hero! Thank you, boys! You are all so very kind.

The two Guards open the door. Brandy sashays out, flashing the General and the Guards her most dazzling smile. Despite their tough-guy jobs, they blush and smile back.

PARK
And now, Guards, arrest this man!

Phillip looks behind him for the criminal in question. But as the Guards approach him, their eyes as hard as coal, he realizes:

PHILLIP
Me? But I’m here on a diplomatic mission from the President!

The two GUARDS roughly FLING Phillip into the jail. The heavy door clangs shut.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
What’s the charge?

PARK
Espionage. When we searched Miss Brandy’s room, we found something else. Your laptop, with email messages from you, Mr. Phillip, about wanting to steal our country’s nuclear secrets.

PHILLIP
What? I never wrote any emails like that! Brandy, tell them!

BRANDY
How would I know what kind of business you conduct on your laptop? You never gave me the password to your computer, did you?

PHILLIP
You? Of course not!

BRANDY
You heard that, didn’t you, General Park? That I didn’t have access to his laptop? The truth — I only knew Phillip a short while before he married me and made me accompany him here. I never understood why.

PARK
Ah! I see! Mr. Phillip forced you to come here as a sham. To hide his true intent!

PHILLIP
No! I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life but I’m no spy.

PARK
Please come this way, Miss Brandy. I’m sure Kim Joon Un would like to apologize personally for this misunderstanding.

BRANDY
Of course. Perhaps the exalted one would like another dance.

PHILLIP
Brandy, you can’t leave me here! The penalty for espionage… What will happen to me?

BRANDY
I know this is very unsettling, Phillip. But don’t you worry. I’ll take care of everything.

She links arms with General Park.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
Trust me, Phillip. Your belongings… and your money… will be quite safe with me.

OFF Phillip’s terrified face.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: re-posted so that it gets the line spacing correct
• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

LOGLINE: Phillip's new wife gives him a nasty 2-month anniversary surprise.
ESSENSE: A man learns it is not a good idea to push a charming but ambitious woman too hard.
I learned I am getting better at stuffing Interest Techniques with character traits at the same time in the first draft.

INT. FOREIGN JAIL CELL – DAY

PHILLIP, outside the jail cell, talks to BRANDY, who stands inside a squalid N. Korean jail cell, blood and urine stains on the wall.

BRANDY
I don’t understand. Why am I in here?

PHILLIP
They think you stole something from a department store. Stealing here, in North Korea, is a serious crime.

BRANDY
I didn’t steal anything! I did go into a high end store. You know I do like my name brands. But I didn’t take anything. They searched my purse. Tell them to search my hotel room. They won’t find anything I’ve supposedly stolen. Oh, why did you have to insist I accompany you on this horrible trip?

PHILLIP
I’m so sorry, my dear. It was a mistake. At the time, I thought it important to bring you to make a good impression. I needed this diplomatic mission to go well, and you light up a room with your presence. As my brand new wife, it was only fair that you accompany me. After all, I did pay for the wedding. I don’t understand how this could have happened. Everything was going so well. You charmed everyone at the diplomatic dinner.

BRANDY
Stop talking and do something. I need you to get me out of here.

PHILLIP
I’ve tried. I talked to all the generals. They say Kim Jong Un did laugh at your jokes at dinner. He might be generous, even if you were found guilty.

BRANDY
Guilty of what? What do they think I took?

PHILLIP
A tube of lipstick.

BRANDY
Me? Steal lipstick? Why would I do that? They don’t even have the good French stuff! Why did they even suspect me?

PHILLIP
They say their cameras showed you were acting suspiceous near the tube of lipstick. I wish you hadn’t embarassed me like this. I’ve been trying so hard to make a good impression on the president for my blunder in China. Trust me, I am doing everything in my power to get you out of here. It wouldn’t do to have a blemish like this on my record.

BRANDY
So there’s hope?

PHILLIP
Maybe. But this isn’t America. This is North Korea.

BRANDY
Yes. But a tube of lipstick? What would I get? A fine?

PHILLIP
Brandy, stealing here is punishable by… well, whatever Kim Jong Un decides.

BRANDY
You mean, how big a fine?

PHILLIP
More like, how long the sentence could be.

BRANDY
Could it be short?

PHILLIP
Extremely short, if they don’t have the evidence to convict you. If they do, it could be even shorter.

BRANDY
You mean, they’d let me go?

PHILLIP
If they don’t have the evidence to convict you. If they do find it, the jail time could still be short. If the punishment was a speedy… uh, terminatiom.

BRANDY
What? You have to get me out of this!

PHILLIP
I’m trying. I really am. I can’t have something like this on my record. I shouldn’t have brought you. I didn’t realize your charming flamboyance could be so dangerous.

General PARK approaches with two burly armed GUARDS.

PARK
Miss Brandy, we searched your room and found no trace of anything taken from the store. You are free to go.

BRANDY
Thank you! You are all so very kind.

The two Guards open the door. Brandy slips out, and flashes the Guards and General Park a grateful smile. Despite their tough-guy jobs, they smile back.

PARK
And now, Guards, arrest this man!

PHILLIP
Me? What? You can’t do this to me.

The two GUARDS roughly FLING Phillip into the jail. They SLAM the door shut.

PHILLIP (CONT’D)
What’s the charge?

PARK
Espionage. When we searched Miss Brandy’s room, we found no lipstick from our store. Our spotters must have been completely mistaken, when they thought the cameras had caught what they felt was oddly suspiceous actions on her part. But our search in her hotel room did reveal your laptop with email messages from you, Mr. Phillip, bragging about how you were going to steal our country’s nuclear secrets.

PHILLIP
What? I am a diplomat! I never wrote any emails like that! Brandy, tell them!

BRANDY
Tell them what? How would I know what kind of business you conduct on your laptop? You never actually gave me the password to your computer, did you?

PHILLIP
Of course not!

BRANDY
You heard that, right, General Park? And Phillip, we only knew each other a few months before you married me and made me accompany you here. I never understood why.

PARK
Ah! You forced her to come here as a sham. To hide your true intent!

PHILLIP
No,, no! You can’t do this to me! The penalty for something like that… What will happen to me?

BRANDY
I know this is very unsettling, my dear darling husband. But don’t you worry.

She smiles sweetly.

BRANDY (CONT’D)
Trust me. Your belongings… and your money… will be quite safe with me.

OFF his terrified face.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: re-posted so the line spacing works
• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Assignment 20

What I learned: A small change of one trait for each of your 4 main characters can make a big difference to make their interactions more dynamic.
Characters:
Elsa: determined, loving, gullible, superstitious. Subtext: Riddled with guilt over her baby sister’s death, she’s afraid of a superstitious curse and will do anything to prevent it. Let’s change her gullible trait to insecure.

Jared: charming, manipulative, cowardly, feels like he’s a victim. His subtext: he is able to manipulate Elsa’s gullibility. Let’s change his victim-feeling status to insecurity, and switch his victimhood to secretly ruthless. Then he can relate to Elsa and vice versa via their insecurity. This gives him a more natural way to bond with her in her inner core, so he can deceive her in his manipulative way.

Lily: Logical, loyal, supportive, bossy. Her subtext: she used to date Elsa’s husband Mike. Let’s up her traits to logical, loyal, bossy, and secretive. Let’s up her subtext to: she’s still in love with Mike. So who is she loyal to? The only man she ever loved or her best friend? That introduces some nice conflict beneath the surface.

Mike, Elsa’s husband. He’s charming loving, needy, and honest. Right now, he has no subtext, he is more of a character for Elsa to react off. Ugh. Let’s up his traits to charming, needy, loving, and inflexible. His subtext: he knows Lily is still in love with him but ignores it. He doesn’t tell Elsa and if she asks about it, he just brushes it off as if it doesn’t matter. Because if it doesn’t fit HIS needs, he’s too inflexible to even consider it as any kind of problem. Now he’s got some bite. This can push Elsa a little towards Jared. Give Mike some culpability in that. Much more twisty.

Now each of the four have one area of rapport with each other (except lily and Jared who never meet), a contrast, a conflict, a degree of competitiveness, and clear subtext.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned. Reveals are fun to set up.
Elsa's reveal.
Elsa and her husband want to have a baby. They are happily married and so much in love. She tries so hard tp have a baby but nothing works. She's constantly checking when would be the right time to conceive. (set up). After all of her efforts, one night when she feels would be the exact best time, she has a lovely romantic time with her husband and she conceives. Yay! (This is all the cover-up). But the doctor calls her in to discuss an urgent matter. Elsa and her husband go to see the doctor. The doctor kicks the husband out and must talk to Elsa alone. (demand). Elsa freaks out, begging the doctor to tell her what's the matter. Once the husband leaves the room, the doctor tells Else. He shows her the results of the blood tests he took. There it black and white it proves — The baby she is carrying can not possibly be her husband's child. (the reveal). Now Elsa has to discover what happened to her that this could possibly be true. Now everything has changed, and she will not stop until she gets to the bottom of this bizarre and frightening mystery.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Assignment 22
What I learned: It's easier to stuff ITs in if you don't have to deal with character traits. That needs a separate pass I think.

Logline: A race car engineer is about to learn that karma really is a bitch.

ANNIE, a talented engineer, enters her office. She searches for her notes.

BRUCE enters, a grin on his face.

Bruce
Looking for something?

Annie
My notes.

Bruce
On how to build a faster car? A race car that is so fast that it achieves lift-off and flies? Don’t bother. You won’t find them. I saw them on your desk and took them.

Annie
You STOLE my plans?

Bruce
No, I just borrowed them. Here. You can have them back.

He hands her the plans.

Annie
So you removed them… to keep them safe for me?

Bruce
No, I took them to build the speed car. And I did. Over the weekend. A car so fast it will achieve lift-off.

Annie
What?

Bruce
It’s true. It’s all done. It just needs to be test-driven. I’ve scheduled the press to come tomorrow to see. It will be driven on the Salt Lake flats. It will be quite a spectacle. I’m sure it will amaze everyone.

Annie
Tomorrow? So soon? I don’t believe this!

Bruce
I know! It was quite a feat to get the press to come on such short notice.

Annie
That’s not what I meant. Bruce, this IS my design. I should be the one at the wheel. I should be the one to test drive it.

Bruce
That would be fair. You designed it, I built it. It would be fair for both of us to share in the glory.

Annie
Thank you. That’s only right.

Bruce
Yes, that would be right.

Annie
Whew! For a minute I though you were going to screw me.

Bruce
We SHOULD share the glory. But that’s not going to happen. I will be the one to test drive the car. You won’t be talking to the press at all.

Annie
What? But you just said…

Bruce
Look, You left your office door unlocked. Basically asking for someone to take your design. The boss has been saying one of us should get a promotion. I want it to be me.

Annie
Not if I tell her you stole my design.

Bruce
Annie, when we were going to school for our engineering degree, and we had one class left to go, the one with Dr. Smith, you never passed that class, did you?

Annie
You know I didn’t pass. He never passed any of the women in his classes unless they slept with him. And I didn’t. You know that.

Bruce
I would hate to tell our boss that you don’t actually have your degree. And I will have to, if you make a fuss about the car and complain to our boss about who designed it.

Annie
Are you threatening me?

Bruce
It’s not a threat. It’s a promise. Don’t complain, don’t tell that I ‘borrowed’ your design. Just let me impress the boss that this car is all mine, and I won’t tell the boss that you don’t actually have your degree.

Annie
Give up my rights to this car? This is an impossible choice.

Bruce
No, it’s very simple. Just come tomorrow to the launch and support me. The press will be there. Everyone will be there. Keep your mouth shut about who designed the car and it’s a win-win. I get the promotion, and you get to keep your job.

Annie
I can’t believe this.

Bruce
Believe it, babe. Come see this car fly. I know you don’t want to miss that.

Next Day…

The whole town turns out, standing on the Utah great salt flats, the press there, as Bruce squeezes into a car that looks as sleek as a rocket ship.

Annie stands next to the BOSS.

Boss
I knew Bruce was good at building, but I never expected him to design anything as sleek as that. Was he always a great designer in graduate school?

Annie
Well… let’s let the car speak for itself, shall we?

Bruce starts the car. Drives a circle around the people, slowly at first, so the press can take great pictures. Everybody smiling. Excited.

The boss notices something on the ground. A trail of black fluid where the car drove.

Boss
What’s that? Is the car leaking?

Annie
Hmmm. Yes, it looks like brake fluid.

Boss
How could that happen? A fault in the design?

Annie
Or a problem with the brake lines. They’re very fragile. They could have broken somehow.

Boss
Will that prevent the car from flying?

Annie
Oh, no. The brakes don’t affect its speed. They won’t impact the car’s ability to reach terminal velocity. It will still fly.

Boss
Thank goodness.

Annie
But if the brakes are not 100%, it could prevent the car from safely stopping.

Boss
Will that hurt the car?

Annie
No, the car was designed to fly. Unfortunately, humans are not.

Boss
So Bruce could be… oh dear.

The Boss waves at Bruce frantically.

Boss
Wait! We need to talk! The car, you need to exit!

Bruce sees her waving. Over the noise of the car he shouts back.

Bruce
YES, IT IS EXCITING, ISN’T IT? Okay, I’m about to hit the speed button and blast off!

Boss
No, no, no!

Bruce
Right! Go, go, go!

He hits the speed button. The car BLASTS off down the Utah Salt Flats.

The crowd watches, breathless, as the car goes fast. Faster. Faster than any car have ever gone. 210 mph. 220. 230! It goes so fast that it lifts off the ground and FLIES.

The crowd claps and cheers.

Annie backs up to a garbage can. Behind her back, she drops something into the trash. It’s a pair of wire cutters. Dripping with brake line grease.

The people are thrilled to see the car fly. The photographers get great shots.

But the car doesn’t stop. It goes so far that it blasts out of sight. Nobody can see it anymore.

Boss
What happened? He went so fast, I can’t see where he’s gone. Do you think he will be okay?

Annie
I wouldn’t worry. I think everything will be okay. I think it will all turn out exactly as it should be.

Annie waves at the direction of the exhaust trail.
And smiles.

• This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: re-posted so that it gets the line spacing correct

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned: I changed Renne's "outgoing" trait to "cruel." It fits better with the essence of getting what you deserve. I like how changing one core trait changes so much of the intention and slant of the scene. On this draft I also tightened some of the ITs and tightened the core traits. It does indeed get better when those traits are nailed down.

LOGLINE: Renee promised not to tell Maxine's secret, and now that she did, it's going to come back and bite her.
ESSENCE: You do reap what you sow.

QE4 – SECOND DRAFT
EXT. CABIN – NIGHT
The remote cabin is shrouded in mist as RENEE (23) arrives. MAXINE (35) is already there, cutting a cabbage for a salad.

RENEE
So here I am, as you asked. Up here, in this dirty remote old cabin.

MAXINE
I agree, it’s beneath me. Chadsworth bought it for me, but I rarely use it. At least now, with you here, it has a purpose.

RENEE
Ah! You’re giving it to me as my wedding present? I’m sure my fiancé “honest Abe” can find some use for it once he’s voted in. We made sure he will win that election. Paid off the best people. I’ve even fine-tuned my values to perfectly conform to what those stupid voters want.

MAXINE
I’m not giving this place to you. That’s not why I asked you here.

RENEE
My time is so precious. It’s just like you to waste it.

Maxine has trouble cutting the cabbage — the knife seems dull. She selects another knife. It cuts a bit better. Slice, slice, slice. Like a guillotine.

RENEE
Um… Maxine? Can you put that knife down? I have such delicate nerves.

Maxine frowns at the knife. She picks a BIGGER SCARIER knife.
Ka-CHUNK. It chops the cabbage head in half like it was butter.

Renee SCREAMS.

MAXINE
Sorry. I’m just jumpy. The truth is, I asked you here so we could talk in private. About something that has me on edge.

RENEE
Talk? You made me come all this way and you’re not giving me an expensive present? Some friend you are.

MAXINE
Pay attention. This is important. At your bachelorette party, I had a few drinks. I told you something in private. You said you would never repeat it.

RENEE
I didn’t.

MAXINE
Are you sure?

RENEE
Are you deaf? I already said that.

MAXINE
Because it could really cause a lot of trouble if you did.

RENEE
Stop harassing me. I didn’t blab..

Maxine produces a hefty official bible. Holds it out.

MAXINE
Then swear you didn’t on this bible. As a good Christian woman, swear to god on his holy book.
Renee frowns.

MAXINE
Do it! Swear on this bible. Or I’m not letting you leave. Don’t try to run off — I’ve put your car keys away until you do what I ask.

Renee nervously places her right hand on the bible.

RENEE
I, Renee Walker, swear, as God is my witness, that I did not tell a single soul that you have slept with someone else besides your husband Chadsworth. Happy now?

Unseen by Maxine, Renee’s left hand inches up her own back… and crosses her fingers.

MAXINE
(with relief)
Thank goodness you didn’t tell. Because that would have been…

Maxine’s phone rings.

MAXINE (into phone)
What? And then… oh my god. That’s terrible. I see. Yes, I’ll call you back.

RENEE
What?

MAXINE
Oh, Renee, I am so sorry. Abe…

RENEE
What? He crashed his car? Is he hurt? Is he dying?

Maxine sighs.

RENEE
Tell me!

MAXINE
You swore to me. On a bible.

RENEE
What? What about Abe?

MAXINE
Nothing happened to him — yet. But now… Renee, I told you my secret in confidence. It’s out. And you lied.

RENEE
Your nasty secret? You have no proof I leaked it.

MAXINE
I’ve never told anyone else, ever. I didn’t dare. My dark past haunts me. For years I’ve been so careful. Afraid it would come out. You don’t know what you’ve done.

RENEE
Fine. You want the truth? I did NOT tell a soul — I told LOTS of people! Ha, ha! So there!

MAXINE
You stupid girl.

RENEE
Don’t get all high and mighty with me. YOU are the one who did the dirty deed. Why would Abe and I want to be friends with someone who keeps dirty little secrets? Someone who sleeps around? Voters won’t like that. Abe’s going to be a very public figure. We’ve got his reputation to consider.

MAXINE
You don’t understand. I didn’t cheat on Chadsworth. It happened long before we were married. Chadsworth thought I was a pure 16-yr-old maiden when we met, but I wasn’t. So yes, I deceived him all these years. And lived with that shame and fear that it would come out. The truth is — I had a child, in secret, at 13.

RENEE
Ewwww! I’m glad I told everyone. Abe and I couldn’t possibly be friends with someone like that.

MAXINE
I don’t want to, but now I might have to explain my side, publicly. To protect myself.

RENEE
Nothing can protect you. You’re just a snobby bitch, with a slutty past.

MAXINE
What you don’t know, you foolish girl, is that when I was a child, an older man raped me.

RENEE
You probably deserved it. You tricked Chadworth into marrying you. And now you’re trying to trick me into being sympathetic. Well, forget it! Whatever you get, you deserve it! You reap what you sow.

MAXINE
I did hide my past. But I didn’t want it to get out — for you. You see, the man who raped me, he… he was your father.

RENEE
Hogwash! I’m adopted. I don’t even know who my real father is.

MAXINE
Your adoptive father IS your real father. After the rape, he got clean and sober, and he adopted you as a single dad. But once it comes out that he was a rapist, he’ll go to jail.

RENEE
So you… wait. Are you saying that you are my mother?

MAXINE
Yes, you spiteful girl. You’ve just gained a mother, who you have viciously slandered. And lost your father to jail.

RENEE
What have you done to me? This is terrible! And Abe… what’s he going to do?

MAXINE
I guess you’ll have to find out if you really do reap what you sow.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: Reposted so the line spacing works

[Mary Albanese]

WHAT I LEARNED: Okay, so I stuffed a bunch of IT's into this scene, using the assigned traits. At least I think that's the assignment. And that for the rewrite we change one trait? Anyway, I'm learning to stuff lots of IT's and the core traits into a scene.

ESSENCE: An uppity woman foolishly blabs an important secret that comes back to bite her.

EXT. CABIN – NIGHT

The remote cabin is shrouded in mist as RENEE (23) arrives. MAXINE (35) is already there, cutting a cabbage for a salad.

RENEE
So here I am. Up here, at this dirty old cabin.

MAXINE
I agree, it’s a shambles. Chadsworth bought it for me, but I rarely use it. I never even wanted this nasty old place. At least now, it has a purpose.

RENEE
So, is this is my wedding present? It’s dated, but Abe could use a retreat, as an up and coming young politician. He’s going to be famous. The second “honest Abe.” Our family values are so in tune — I’ll make the perfect politician’s wife.

MAXINE
No, I’m not giving it to you. That’s not why you are here.

RENEE
Then why did you ask me here?

Maxine has trouble cutting the cabbage — the knife seems dull. She selects another knife. It cuts a bit better. Slice, slice, slice. Like a guillotine.

RENEE
Um… Maxine? So why did you have me come… Can you put that knife down? You’re kind of scaring me.

Maxine frowns at the knife. She picks a BIGGER SCARIER knife.
Ka-CHUNK. It chops the cabbage head in half like it was butter.

Renee SCREAMS.

MAXINE
Get a grip. I asked you here to talk.

RENEE
Whew! Ask away. You know I’m an open book.

MAXINE
At your bachelorette party, I had a few drinks. I told you something. In private. You said you would never repeat it.

RENEE
Of course, I didn’t.

MAXINE
Are you sure? You can be chatty and bubbly sometimes.

RENEE
Maxine, I didn’t tell a soul.

MAXINE
Because it could really cause a lot of trouble if you did.

RENEE
You know I’m into family values. So no, I didn’t tell. I swear it!

MAXINE
You would? As a good church-going Christian woman?

RENEE
Of course!

MAXINE
You would swear to god?

RENEE
How many times to I have to say it?

Maxine produces a hefty official bible. Holds it out.

MAXINE
Your right hand. Right now. On this bible. Swear to it. On God’s holy book.

Renee gulps. Nervously, she steps up to the bible. Hesitates.

MAXINE
Do it! You’re right hand.

Renee solemnly places her right hand on the bible.

RENEE
I, Renee Walker, swear, as God is my witness, that I did not tell ANYONE that you have slept with someone else besides your husband Chadsworth.

Unseen by Maxine, Renee’s left hand inches up her own back… and crosses her fingers.

MAXINE
(with relief)
Thank goodness you didn’t tell. Because that would have been…

Maxine’s phone rings.

MAXINE
What? And then… oh my god. That’s terrible. I see. Yes, I’ll call you back.

RENEE
What?

MAXINE
Oh, Renee, I am so very sorry. Abe…

RENEE
What? He crashed his car? Is he hurt? Is he dying?

Maxine frowns.

RENEE
Tell me!

MAXINE
You swore to me. On a bible.

RENEE
What?

MAXINE
Forget about Abe. This is about my secret. Told to you in confidence. And you lied.

RENEE
Why do you think it was me?

MAXINE
I’ve never told another living soul. My dark past — it haunts me. For so many years I’ve been afraid it would come out. You don’t know what you’ve just done.

RENEE
Fine. So I slipped. I didn’t mean to but it just came out. Big deal. But I didn’t do the dirty deed. That’s on you!

MAXINE
You stupid girl.

RENEE
Don’t be all high and mighty with me. Maybe we don’t WANT to be friends with people with dirty little secrets. Abe’s got a reputation to consider. Did you ever consider that? Huh? Huh?

MAXINE
You don’t understand. I didn’t cheat on Chadsworth. It happened before we were married. He thought I was a pure 16-yr-old maiden. Yes, I deceived him, all these years. Because the truth is — I had a child, in secret, at 13.

RENEE
Ewwww! That settles it. Abe and I couldn’t possibly be friends with you now.

MAXINE
I didn’t want the whole story to come out. But now it might have to. To protect me.

RENEE
Stop being a paranoid snob. Just Own up. EVERYONE deserves to know the truth.

MAXINE
I’m so sorry, Renee. You see, I was a child. He was a drunk, and he raped me.

RENEE
You tricked Chadworth into marrying you. And now you’re trying to trick me, for my sympathy.

MAXINE
I did cover up my past. But I didn’t want this — for you. You see, the man who raped me, he was your father.

RENEE
That’s not true. I’m adopted. I don’t even know who my real father is.

MAXINE
Your adoptive father IS your real father. After the rape, he got clean and sober, and he adopted you. But once it comes out that he was a rapist, he’ll go to jail.

RENEE
So you… are you saying that you are my mother?

MAXINE
Yes, my darling. But now, will “honest Abe” still want you?

• This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese. Reason: Reposted for line spacing

[Mary Albanese]

Rita, I really liked your revised draft. I laughed out loud at the last line. 🙂

[Mary Albanese]

QE3 – Second Draft
WHAT I LEARNED: When I wrote the first draft of this scene my goal was to try to fit all the new maximum interest techniques, character traits, and subtext into a scene with as few pages as possible. I think I got most of it in within 3 pages, and I didn't think I could possibly make it better. But then I started thinking of ways I could add more of the first set of interest techniques to really stuff them in. That was a fun idea. More pieces of the puzzle to slot in. So in this second draft, the scene grew from 3 pages to 5, and it feels much richer now. It seems like the more interest techniques I add, the more doorways are open to me to add even more interest techniques, character emotions, and up the suspense.

LOGLINE: Two soldiers in a combat situation must learn to work together or die.

ESSENCE: The enemy soldiers aren't their biggest problem, it is the toxic combination of their own flaws that defeats them.

EXT. JUNGLE WAR ZONE – DAY
Bullets fly as Sgt. Nancy Shaw and Lt. Doug Squire duck behind a small mound together to escape the bullets whizzing by.

SQUIRE
Why are they shooting at me? I didn’t do anything to them.

NANCY
We’re 100 miles behind enemy lines, you dolt. Where’s the Captain? I don’t see him. He was right in front of me.

SQUIRE
Who cares about him? He’s the one who got us into this mess.

NANCY
Look, you sorry excuse of a soldier. We’ve got to find Cap. He could be hurt up there.

SQUIRE
Why worry about him? With him out of the picture, I’m the ranking officer here, and I say we back out down the hill and get the hell out of here.

NANCY
Coward. I can’t believe they promoted you over me.

SQUIRE
Of course they did. They… wait. You’re not the one who told the general I was dating his daughter, are you?

NANCY
Me? I have no knowledge of any anonymous letter dropped on the general's… ooops.

SQUIRE
I guess I should thank you. Because when he asked around, BOTH the general’s daughters told him he should promote me.

NANCY
You sleazeball! Quit wasting time. We’ve got to go out there and find Cap!

SQUIRE
No way. I’m in charge and I say we don’t put ourselves in danger looking for him, we head back down the hill the same way we came. And that’s an order, Sergeant!

NANCY
I… don't think so.

SQUIRE
Excuse me?!?

NANCY
How about this, Lieutenant. Cap has the radio codes on him. Sure, you and I could make it back to the bottom of the hill. But we’ll still be in enemy territory. We’ll never get airlifted out of here without those codes that Cap has in his pocket.

SQUIRE
Shit. Okay. I’ll stay here behind this mound, and you go up ahead, find him, and get those codes off him.

NANCY
You’re going to make me go ahead, while you hide behind this mound?

SQUIRE
I’m not hiding, I’m strategizing. And I’ll tell you my plans when I feel like it.

NANCY
You mean, you don’t have a plan. You’d better get one quick because the snipers could be moving in.

SQUIRE
Look. One of us has to go ahead and get those codes off Cap. And lucky me, I am the one giving the orders here. So GO!

The bullets STOP. It’s an eerie silence.

NANCY
The shooting! They’ve stopped. They’re gone. Now is your chance to rush up the hill, and prove you deserved that promotion. I’m sure they’ll give you a hero’s medal for that.

SQUIRE
Nice try. But seriously, Nancy, I’m glad it’s you here behind this mound with me. I’ve always wanted to tell you how I’ve admired you. You are the bravest…

NANCY
You’re trying to schmooze me, even here? How dumb do you think I am? We both know those snipers out there haven’t left, they’re just trying to draw us out. They’ll blast away as soon as one of us steps out.

SQUIRE
And lucky me, I’m STILL in charge and you have to do what I say. So get out there and find Cap.

NANCY
Wait. Listen. Did you hear that? I heard a gunshot — but it sounded really far away.

SQUIRE
Yes, you’re right! Do you think they’ve moved off? That they don’t know we’re here?

NANCY
Maybe. Let’s test it.

Nancy puts her helmet on a stick. Nudges it up so it’s just barely poking above the mound.
They wait, breathless. So quiet they can hear their own heartbeats thumping in their chests.

Nothing happens.

SQUIRE
(quiet)
Higher. Push it up higher.

She does.

Again, nothing. No gunshots. Nothing at all.

SQUIRE
I think it’s safe.

NANCY
Let’s go! Help me find Cap and drag him back to safety.

SQUIRE
No, you go find him. That’s an order. I like you, Nancy, and I’d hate to have to report you for insubordination.

Nancy looks out. Overhead, the clouds part. The sun shines down on a beautiful day. It does seem safe.

A hundred feet away, behind a small shrub, an enemy sniper brushes the sweat off his face, his gun pointed at their mound. His hands shake as he tries to steady his aim.

But all Nancy sees is the sweet grass swaying in the gentle breeze.

NANCY
Squire, I was wrong to question a direct order. You’re right — you’re the man in charge. I’ll go ahead.

He smiles.

SQUIRE
That’s my girl.

She turns to head out, but stops.

NANCY
By the way, Cap doesn’t have the radio codes, I have them. I only said that so you’d help me find him because I know what a selfish jerk you are. So if they shoot me, you are toast, too, never to party your way through this war like you intended. And everyone will know it was your ‘leadership’ that got us both killed. Which means they’ll know they made a big freaking mistake promoting you instead of me.

She stomps out from behind the mound to charge up the hill.

SQUIRE
Wait, Nancy! I changed my mind! Come back! Come back! Come….

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

LOGLINE: Two soldiers in a combat situation must learn to work together or die.
ESSENCE: The real enemy of these two soldiers is not the snipers shooting at them but their own flaws.
SCENE ARC: Two soldiers find themselves teamed together on a combat mission but make a total mess of it.
QE 3 – First Draft
What I learned: It is possible to fit a bunch of maximum interest techniques and character traits into a scene even if it is a fairly short scene. In a way it kind of feels like fitting together the pieces of a puzzle.

EXT. JUNGLE WAR ZONE – DAY

Bullets fly as Sgt. Nancy Shaw and Lt. D. Squire duck behind a small mound together to escape the bullets whizzing by.

SQUIRE
See the world, join the army. Nobody told me it’d be like this.

NANCY
Where’s the Captain? I don’t see him. He was right in front of me.

SQUIRE
Who cares about him? He’s the one who got us into this mess.

NANCY
Look, you sorry excuse of a soldier. We’ve got to find Cap and make sure he’s okay.

SQUIRE
Why? With him out of the picture, I’m the ranking officer here, and I say we get the hell out of here.

NANCY
Then I’ll report you as a coward. I knew you weren’t lieutenant material when they promoted you over me. What did you do, sleep your way to the top?

SQUIRE
It’s not my fault the ladies like me. Every one but you. Though I’d like you to prove me wrong.

NANCY
You sleaze ball. Even here! We’ve got to find Cap.

SQUIRE
No way. I’m in charge and I say we don’t look for him, we head back down the hill the same way we came. And that’s an order, Sergeant!

NANCY
How about this, Lieutenant. Cap has the radio codes. Sure, we could make it back to the bottom of the hill. But we’ll still be in enemy territory. We’ll never get airlifted out of here without those codes that Cap has.

SQUIRE
Shit. You’re right. Okay. I’ll stay here, and you go up ahead and look for him.

NANCY
Me? You’re going to make me go ahead, while you sneak back off down the hill.

SQUIRE
That’s not my plan.

NANCY
What is your big plan, assuming you have one?

SQUIRE
My plan… that’s none of your business. As the ranking officer, it’s not your job to question my battle plan.

NANCY
You mean, you don’t have one. Well, you’d better get one quick because the snipers could be moving in.

SQUIRE
I don’t want to be their target practice any more than you do. But one of us has to go ahead and get those codes off Cap. And lucky me, I am the one giving the orders here.

The bullets STOP. It’s an eerie silence.

NANCY
The shooting! They’ve stopped. They’re gone. Now is your chance to rush up the hill, and prove you deserved your promotion. I’m sure they’ll give you a hero’s medal for that.

SQUIRE
Nancy, I’m glad it’s you here behind this mound with me. I’ve always wanted to tell you — I wanted you to get promoted to Lieutenant. I wanted us to be promoted together. I’ve always admired you, Nancy. You are the bravest…

NANCY
You’re trying to charm me into dying instead of you? What an ass! We both know those snipers out there haven’t left, they’re just trying to draw us out. They’ll blast away as soon as one of us steps out. As soon as they get a clean shot. And without those codes, we’re both gonners.

SQUIRE
And still, I’m the one in charge. The one who gives the orders that says YOU have to continue up the hill. I don’t have to tell you my reasons.

NANCY
Fine, asshole. I’ll go. But know this. Cap doesn’t have the radio codes, I have them. I only said that so you’d help me find him because I know what a selfish jerk you are. So if they shoot me, you are toast, never to party your way through this war like you intended. And everyone will know it was your ‘leadership’ that got us both killed, and that they made a big freaking mistake promoting you instead of me.

She steps out from behind the mound and heads up the hill.

SQUIRE
Wait, Nancy! I didn’t mean it! I changed my mind! Come back! Come back! Come….

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

WHAT I LEARNED: Once you click out of that analytical, linear thinking mode that script reading and writing naturally defaults to, and re-imagine how to push the scene to optimize the essence, you can have a lot of fun revising a script. Revising is no longer a chore, it is literally a funhouse of ways to infuse and elevate the script.

Lesson 13 – Adding Maximum interest techniques into a scene.

OLD SCENE
SCENE ARC/LOGLINE: Elsie, determined to have her baby, argues with her doctor and husband who want to abort it for her health.
ESSENCE: Elsie must fight not only her doctor but her husband to bear this child.
Currently, the scene has uncomfortable moment, anticipatory dialogue, prediction, and creating a future as Elsie argues with her doctor and husband about having this child, and the consequences if she does or doesn’t have it. This scene delivers the plot, but it's a talking scene, which leaves it a little flat. Let’s add some more max interest techniques. And also, let's add some action to see if that might jump-start the interest techniques.

So let’s push it. At start of scene, let’s give us a hint to remind us why it’s so uncomfortable for her to face this doctor (who knows the baby isn’t her husband’s). That will push the uncomfortable moment aspect to start the scene off with more tension. Instead of talking in the doctor’s office, let’s have her be getting an ultrasound by the doctor, and the baby’s face is unclear and fuzzy and missing. Equipment malfunction or is there something drastically wrong with this baby? That gives us something unseen. Let’s start the ultrasound sequence with a dilemma – the doctor has Elsie on the table and as he talks to her, he gets out his ultrasound equipment. Yikes! She didn't agree to that. Will Elsie even allow the ultrasound? She knows she may have consequences if she has the ultrasound, but also consequences if she refuses to have it. That makes us uncomfortable on the doctor’s table for her. For mystery, once she agrees, seeing a fetus with no face gives us that. Let’s push it even farther. In the next scene, the doctor dies. Let’s push that here so this scene ends on a cliffhanger. This faceless fetus starts out having very weak pulse, heartbeat. Barely alive. Then it starts THRASHING in the womb when the doctor comes near it. This makes the doctor say this pregnancy is definitely dangerous and more evidence that it is a risk to Elsie’s health and must be aborted. Elsie can end the scene telling the doctor he’s wrong – the baby just doesn’t like him. That gives us a creepy cliff-hanger to end the scene by way of a foreshadowing of the scene to follow. As for the hook? A baby with no face gives us that.

And for extra kick, let’s have her husband seem supportive of her all the way through, until at the end of the scene, where he makes it clear he’s going to side with the doctor all the way. This gives us betrayal, misdirect, character changes radically, and makes Elsie’s life even harder. Because not only can she not count on him, she can’t even count on him to be honest with her about what he’s thinking.

NEW SCENE ARC: Elsie, determined to have her baby, fights with her doctor and husband who want to abort it for her health. The scene arc overview is basically the same as the old one.
NEW SCENE LOGLINE: Elsie, determined to have her baby, now must fight not only her doctor but her husband to bear her child. (Very similar to the old scene logline.)
ESSENCE: It is the essence that is elevated by this revision to the scene. Now the essense is: Elsie’s fight to have this child no matter what just got way WAY more intense.

• This reply was modified 1 month, 4 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned:
You can always bump up a scene. Always. Try considering their journey and throw in another glitch in the mix. Add something that pushes it in some way. Maybe try something that speaks to the genre considerations.

OLD SCENE:
Elsie and her friend Lil at the fair. Lil talks Elsie into being done and they leave. Evil Jeremy watches. Crushes a bag of popcorn and smiles. Pros – this sets up Elsie’s dilemma, and the main characters. Cons – kind of flat.

NEW SCENE
Elsie and her friend Lil at the fair. Lil tries to convince Elsie nothing’s wrong. Throws Elsie’s popcorn bag away. Tempts her away. Get more of their core at-odds-with-each-other, the doubting mental one and the go-with-it emotional one. Evil Jeremy watches them leave. He pulls Elsie’s popcorn bag from the trash and licks it, as he watches where they went. Ewwww, I am creeping myself out just imagining this scene.

• This reply was modified 2 months ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 2 months ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned: by focusing on traits that create drama, you can elevate interesting drama in the story.

OLD: Elsie
DESCRIPTION: A woman desperate to have a baby.
TRAITS: determined, guilt-ridden, creative, loving.
SUBTEXT: She will do anything to have this baby, even if it nearly kills her.
NEW: Give Elsie self-conflicts.
DESCRPTION Her loyalty is challenged when she must make an impossible choice.
TRAITS: determined, loyal, guilt-ridden, loving
SUBTEXT: To keep this baby she must destroy the person she owes the baby to.

OLD: Jared
DESCRIPTION: The man who tricks Elsie into having his baby.
TRAITS: Controlling, charming, scheming, evil.
SUBTEXT: He schemes to get Elsie pregnant when he knows she’s married.
NEW: More layers to Jared so he’s not a cartoon villain.
DESCRPTION: The man who chooses Elsie because she’s like him in many ways.
TRAITS: Controlling, charming, loyal to his race, desperate.
SUBTEXT: He is drawn to Elsie because they are both deeply loyal and determined.

OLD: Matthew
DESCRIPTION: Elsie’s husband who wants to keep her healthy even if it means losing the baby.
TRAITS: hardworking, helpful, nice guy, wants to do things his way.
SUBTEXT: He’s mostly a reactive character.
NEW: Managing Matthew is a bigger problem for Elsie because of his neediness.
DESCRPTION: hard-working, needy, skeptical, good-intentions.
TRAITS: With Matthew’s good intentions to do things his way, it makes Elsie’s job harder navigating her situation to create a family.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned: It's good to do character traits in the first pass, and then add interest tech in the second. That way I don't get confused and can focus on both things.

LOGLINE: American JOHN and Russian NICK are the only two astronauts about the space shuttle when all-out war looms between their two countries.

ESSENCE: John distrust is the weakness that betrays him.

INT. SPACE STATION – NIGHT

NASA pilot JOHN sits at the helm. Co-pilot NICK (Nikita), a big burly Russian engineer, mans the co-pilot seat. They are the only two people aboard the shuttle.

A light flashes on the helm panel.

JOHN
It’s the aft electrical backup light. It’s not essential, but I should check it. I don’t trust the system without it.

NICK
I will go. I’m here to help. After all, you’re the American hero, here all alone for 100 days before Russia sent me up.

JOHN
I don’t mind the quiet.

NICK
And I am glad to help. I’m good at fixing things. The ship. It’s systems. You won’t find a better engineer anywhere. But that’s not my most important job. I’m here to help build friendship between our two countries.

JOHN
Your main priority? That’s what they told you?

NICK
Yes! My exact orders!

Nick unstraps and floats up.

NICK
It’s almost time to eat. You want I should bring back your dinner while I’m down there?

JOHN
No, I’ll pick it up later.

With a friendly smile, Nick nods, then launches himself out of the command zone.
John’s screen BEEPS. On the screen, Commander PIKE appears.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
Hello, John. What’s your status?

JOHN
Main systems good. Nick just went down aft to check on one of the back-up systems.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
He’s not there? Good. Look, we have a situation. We’ve just learned that Russia is about to attack the US. Full scale war is imminent. We need the Russian communication satellites disabled. And Nick would have those codes – he built the damn array. John, it’s vital that we get those codes. We’ve debated the best way for you to handle getting them from him, and…

JOHN
Say no more. Whatever it takes, I will… handle it.

John ends the call. He gathers his thoughts. With a heavy sigh…
He flips his screen back on. It shows Nick closing an electrical wall panel.

JOHN
Ship to ship comm. Nick, how’s it going down there?

NICK (ON SCREEN)
A minor glitch. Am re-setting the electrical panel now.

JOHN
I’m getting another warning light. It says there’s a fault with the emergency escape capsule.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Panel says it’s good.

JOHN
Not the connections, the fault is INSIDE the escape capsule. Yeah, I know it’s a pain to get inside that capsule, but you are right there.

Behind Nick is the emergency escape capsule, a small pod with a tiny round portal window hatch. Nick frowns at it. The hatch looks barely large enough for his chunky body to get through.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Okay, I will go in there and check it out.

On the screen, John sees Nick go to the capsule and crank open the hatch. Then Nick prepares to squeeze his body through it. Clearly, it’s going to be a tight fit.

John sighs. And floats out the command section.

INT. AFT SECTION – DAY?
John floats into the aft section. He sees Nick’s legs awkwardly disappear into the escape capsule.

John FLINGS himself towards the capsule. He grips the round portal door… and SLAMS IT SHUT.
As he locks the hatch, he sees Nick’s shocked face through the glass window hatch.

NICK
John? What are you doing? Is this a joke?

JOHN
No joke. Look, Nick. I need the codes for the Russian communication satellite system. I can’t tell you why. And don’t say you don’t have them.

NICK
Let me out!

JOHN
Can’t do that, Nick. I hate this, but… give me those codes or I can’t let you out.

NICK
But we’re friends!

JOHN
My country comes first.

NICK
John, please!

JOHN
They say a human body can go two weeks without food. But only two days without water. Don’t make me do this, Nick. Give me those codes. I don’t want you to die in there. Listening to your rumbling stomach as your organs shut down one by one. I don’t want that for you.

NICK
I don’t want to be a traitor. But you give me no choice. The codes… they are…
xyz1238.

JOHN
Good. I’ll let you out once that’s confirmed. Thank you, Nick. I really didn’t want to have to do it. You’ve got to believe me. I hope someday you’ll understand.

NICK
(sad)
I’m afraid I do.

A loud HISSING sounds.

JOHN
What’s that?

NICK
The air. It’s venting from the ship.

JOHN
How? We have to stop it!

NICK
“We?” I am sorry, my friend. I control the ship’s air-flow from here. I hot-wired the system. And now, you have left me no choice. You could have just asked if there was a problem. But I feared you would not. Distrust is your weakness.

JOHN
But you’re locked in! You’ll die without me.

NICK
I have drill.

JOHN
(gasps for air)
When did you set all this up?

NICK
First day on space ship.

JOHN
(gasps harder)
But your mission! To build trust between our countries!

NICK
My friend, I am Russian. You think Russian man follows every order?

Nick sadly watches through the round window as John gasps for breath… and dies.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary's QE Cycle 2, first draft
What I learned. This time it went faster. I did not go with my first idea, which was tame, I went with my second. Which was way more fun. I wrote dialogue based on character traits. I think I got them all in. I got in somel interest techniques, but didn't spend too much time on it. I will focus on seeing if I can add more interest techniques when I do the re-do.

INT. SPACE STATION – DAY?

NASA pilot JOHN sits at the helm. Co-pilot burley NICK (Nikita), Russian engineer, mans the co-pilot seat. They are the only two people aboard the shuttle.

A light flashes on the helm panel.

JOHN
It’s the aft section warning light, again. Probably another false alarm. But it should be checked.

NICK
I go check it.

JOHN
But you’ve been up 18 hours.

NICK
And you been on ship 100 days before I get here. American hero! No, I go, my friend. I can fix. It good for our friendship. More important — friendship between our two countries.

JOHN
Don’t tell me that’s your number one priority on this mission.

NICK
It is. My orders say. Why else you think they send ME?
(he laughs heartily)
If I can’t fix, no one can. You want me bring back snack?

JOHN
No, I’m fine.

Nick gets up and floats his big self out the command area.

John’s screen BEEPS. On it, Commander PIKE appears.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
John. What’s your status?

JOHN
All good, except the aft electrical light went off. It’s been doing that. Nick just went to check it.

PIKE (ON SCREEN)
He’s not there? Good. Look, we have a situation. We’ve just learned that Russia is about to attack the US. Full scale war imminent. We need the Russian communication satellites disabled. And Nick would have the codes. I hate to say this, but whatever it takes…

JOHN
Understand. Shame. I was just starting to like the guy.

John flips a switch on his screen. On the screen he sees Nick chewing on a food bar as he closes the electrical panel.

JOHN
Ship to ship comm. Nick, how’s it going down there?

NICK (ON SCREEN)
False alarm. Am re-setting electrical panel now.

JOHN
Now it says the fault is with the emergency escape capsule.

NICK (ON SCREEN)
Panel says it’s good.

JOHN
INSIDE the escape capsule. Yeah, I know it’s a pain to get inside that thing, but…

NICK
No worries, I go do it.

On the screen, John sees Nick muscle open the capsule’s tiny round window/door. Then Nick prepares to squeeze his burly body through the capsule’s tiny portal door. It’s going to be a tight fit.

John sighs. And floats out the command section.

INT. AFT SECTION – DAY?
John floats into the aft section. He sees Nick’s legs awkwardly disappear into the escape capsule.

John launches himself to the capsule. He grips the round portal door… and SLAMS IT SHUT. Through the round portal glass window, he sees Nick’s shocked face as John locks him in.

NICK
John? What you do? Is this joke?

JOHN
No joke. Nick, I need the codes for the Russian communication satellite. Don’t say you don’t have them.

NICK
Let me out!

JOHN
Can’t do that, Nick. I really don’t want to do this, but I’m going to have to starve you until you give me those codes.

NICK
But we friends!

JOHN
My country comes first. They say a human body can go two weeks without food. But only two days without water. Don’t make me do this, Nick. Give me those codes. Do you really want to die in there, of hunger and thirst? Listening to your rumbling stomach as your organs shut down?

NICK
No. I don’t. I don’t want to be a traitor. But you give me no choice. The codes… they are…
xyz1238.

JOHN
Good. I really didn’t want to do it.

Nick sadly nods.

A loud HISSING sounds.

JOHN
What’s that?

NICK
The air. It’s venting from ship.

JOHN
How? We have to stop it!

NICK
“We?” Sorry, John. I control air-flow from in here. I hot-wired system. You could have just asked me, but I knew you would not. Distrust is your weakness.

JOHN
But you’re locked in! You’ll die, too!

NICK
I have drill.

JOHN
(gasps for air)
When… did you… set all that up?

NICK
First day on space ship.

JOHN
(gasps harder)
But your mission! To build trust between our countries!

NICK
My friend, I am Russian. You think Russian man follows every order?

Nick sadly watches through the round window as John chokes without air… and dies.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Hello, I am Mary Albanese. I have written several scripts, produced some shorts (www.MaryAlbanese.com), and was a producer on an action feature THE LAST DEAL, listed in NY Times as top five action features streaming for 2024. I like to write different genres. Sometimes I work with a medium who solves some grisly crime cases, and I’ve documented her work in a series of books. So I tend to veer into horror, but I also like to write romance and drama, too.

[Mary Albanese]

I, Mary Albanese, agree to the terms of the confidentiality agreement listed in Screenwriting U.

[Mary Albanese]

It was clear that Trent was needy, conspiring, and pretending to be wealthier than he was. Robert was clearly gregarious, smooth, secretive, and I really liked his gossiping.
I really enjoyed the opening setting with the combative sea creatures on the wall locked in mortal combat. It set up this combative scene nicely. You fit in a number of fun interest techniques – betrayal, uncertainty (if Trent would make it to the toilet), some suspense if Trent would get caught and called out, cool setting, and some intrigue about how Robert was going to roll on Trent. T I thought the ending was really funny, and the fabrize line set it off well. Nice job!

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary’s notes on Rita’s scene.

I like that Trent was clearly aggressive, and also meticulous. We see he’s conspiring at the end.

I liked Trent’s subtext of pretending to be richer than he was. I liked the inventive settings. Going past the lions who smelled the blood had some fun suspense. I think you added that in the re-do, and I liked that addition. The fancy office was a surprise, and fit with Trent’s meticulous nature. Trent certainly was aggressive. I like how you wrapped it up at the end to make it clear Robert had been conspired against and betrayed. Good job!

• This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

FIRST QE SCENE – SECOND DRAFT

INT. SWANKY RESTERAUNT – NIGHT
The law firm hosts their annual Christmas party. People speak in excited but hushed whispers.

SECRETARY
Smith left the firm with no warning? They’ll have to pick a new senior partner. Who will it be?

Who, indeed. As people wonder, they steal discrete looks at the man standing alone in the center of the room in the immaculate Armani suit, TRENT.

One man cuts through the crowd towards Trent. This is new-hire ROBERT, who charms people with jokes and pats them on the back as he weaves his way to Trent. Once he gets there:

ROBERT
See how they’re looking at you? You’ve got it in the bag, Trent. And everyone here knows it.

TRENT
I told you, Robert. You were a wise man to agree to be my assistant. I go up the ladder, you go with me.

ROBERT
Exactly, boss. Why flub up cases on my own when I can learn so much from shadowing a brilliant mind like yours?

TRENT
Just don’t forget to get my deposit back from the rental place when you tell them the suit didn’t fit me.

ROBERT
See? I’m learning so much already. Let’s toast. To success!

Robert grabs a champagne goblet from a waiter. Robert stumbles.

TRENT
Don’t be a klutz. That reflects badly on me.

ROBERT
Sorry, boss. Just my stupid trick knee again.

Robert hunches over the drink, his back to Trent. Is Robert messing with the champagne?

Robert hands Trent the champagne. Grabs another goblet from a waiter for himself.

ROBERT
Here’s to the best man making partner!

They clink glasses and drink. Trent scowls at the taste.

ROBERT
You’re right — it tastes like cheap stuff. Hey, I know where they keep the good stuff. Come on, let’s go! You know you deserve it.

Trent nods, pleased. He follows Robert down a long corridor. To a dark back room. Robert holds the door open for Trent.

ROBERT
After you, boss.

Trent stumbles into the dark room. He grabs a bottle from the shelf.

Robert follows him in and flips a switch. Behind Robert’s back… is that some kind of stick?

INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
Trent sees the bottle he holds isn’t wine, it’s rat poison. This is no wine storage room, the room’s lined with large bins of medical waste.

Trent YELPS as he drops the bottle.

TRENT
Where are we? I’m so dizzy…

Robert moves towards Trent. It’s not a stick he holds, it’s a BASEBALL BAT.

TRENT
Robert? Dammit, you tell me what’s going on right now!

ROBERT
You thought you were so smart, making me do your dirty work to force Smith out. Making me do ALL your work. Did you actually think I LIKE being your step-and-fetch-it boy? Just because my L-SAT scores were lower than yours?

TRENT
I’ve been helping you. You’re barely qualified to…

ROBERT
Wrong! I have the same degree as you. And you pride yourself on knowing all the facts. But here’s one fact you missed – I have learned so much from you — about getting rid of the competition.

Trent struggles to remain upright. He GASPS at the medical waste bins in horror.

TRENT
You… drugged me? And now you want to…

Robert smiles like the Mona Lisa as he closes in, his bat held high.

TRENT
No, please! I can’t handle pain. I’m begging you. I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t hurt me.

Robert WHACKS the bat down…

And SMACKS HIMSELF in the face!

TRENT
What the hell?

ROBERT
(wailing)
Please, boss-man. Don’t hit me! Don’t destroy me like you destroyed Smith!

Robert LAUGHS, then SMACKS himself again, a wicked bruise already forming on his face.

TRENT
Wait! Stop! I’m not… I didn’t…

ROBERT
Of course, you did. Your plot forced Smith out. It was cleanly crafted. And brutal. But since I knew — and you like things neat and tidy — you had to get rid of me, too. Even though everyone knows how much I’ve worshipped you.

Robert WHACKS his own face again. He looks like a punching bag.

TRENT
You’re insane.

ROBERT
Am I? This time, I won’t even have to say anything! With all the clues I’ve dropped, once they see my face, they’ll all “know” what you did!

TRENT
No! You can’t do that! I’ll be finished!

ROBERT
And I will get the sympathy vote. They’ll promote ME to partner. I’ve been a victim my whole life — it’s time for me to finally get mine!

TRENT
Oh, God, I’m going to be sick. My job. My career. I’ll be ruined! But please, just don’t hurt me. Tell me you’re not going to hurt me.

ROBERT
Yeah, I can’t afford to.

Robert heads for the door.

TRENT
(whispers)
Thank you, Jesus.

ROBERT
At least, not where it shows.

Robert FLINGS the bat at Trent’s legs. It SMASHES Trent’s knees — he buckles and falls.

ROBERT
HELP! Trent’s gone crazy and attacked me!

Robert RUSHES out. Leaving Trent in a pathetic, sobbing heap.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned — I came up with four traits for each person. But after considering their actions, I had to add a fifth trait that I never realized before. Maybe by putting a character in a proposed situation, it can help discover what their traits are. Maybe traits and actions don't only go one way, from trait to action. But also from considering a hypothetical action or situation to discovering their traits.

Person 1. Traits: Smart, does funny whacky humorous extreme things (although maybe this isn’t a trait but a consequence of her traits), high anxiety, insecure. I might add – extremely focused like a dog with a bone that won’t let go.
Interaction – Her daughter goes on a field trip to South Africa and doesn’t call her right away. She contacts her senators, state reps, and has the air force doing fly-bys tracking down her daughter to make sure she is safe. Totally extreme actions, from an anxious mind that conjures all kinds of possible disaster, smart enough to pull it off, but so clueless what a massive problem this has created for the daughter.

Person 2. Traits: Creative, insecure, competitive, self-absorbed. I will also add – inflexible.
Interaction – he claims to be a strong, talented person. But unable to congratulate colleagues on their success. Doesn’t realize he’s not strong, he’s brittle and fragile. When the boss asks for changes on a deal, he can’t change it the required way. He loses a major contract and becomes suicidal.

Person 3. Traits: Smart, hard-working, identifies as a victim, so overly sensitive to her own feelings that it inhibits empathy for others. I will also add skilled at passive-aggressive manipulation to get what she wants, without considering the consequences for others.
Interaction – stays with a relative without asking permission, causing huge potential problems she’s totally oblivious to. Expects everyone to consider her needs before their own. Completely unaware her intrusion nearly caused lethal complications for others.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is… If you go scene by scene, you can punch up a scene by stripping it back to its essense.
Script I choose: DEVIL’S WEED
Scene 1 page 17. Location: Sewing room.
Logline: Eve tries to find Jareth but can’t find his winery and his label’s symbol means poison.
Essence I’ve discovered: Eve discovers Jareth lied.
New Logline: Eve discovers Jareth’s winery doesn’t exist, but hints at poison

Scene 2 Location: Page 21. Eve at home.
Logline: The tech guy shows Eve how to check her outdoor camera footage.
Essence I’ve discovered: Eve finds Jareth DIDN’T break in.
New Logline: Eve checks the footage herself and discovers nobody broke in.

Scene 3 Location: Page 23. Outside on the gazebo Eve and Lilah fight.
Logline: Eve discovers Lilah has withheld a secret.
Essence I’ve discovered: Eve discovers Lilah has withheld something important.
New Logline: Eve forces Lilah to come clean with what she’s been withholding. End scene on Eve, not Lilah.

Scene 4 Location: Page 27. Radio station
Logline: Eve tries to talk to Matt but he asks if it can wait until later.
Essence I’ve discovered: Eve CAN”T even get his attention for a second to talk to Matt.
New Logline: Eve tries to talk to Matt but he doesn’t even realize she was there banging on the window looking for him.

Scene 5 Location: pg 48. Matt at the mental hospital.
Logline: Matt asks the nurse if Eve might inherit her Mom’s insanity.
Essence I’ve discovered: Matt is worried Eve might be showing signs of her Mom’s insanity.
New Logline: Matt tries to hide from the nurse that he fears Eve is showing signs of Mom’s disorder.

• This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Hi! I am Mary Albanese. I have written lots of features, some tv episodes, and have produced a few shorts (www.MaryAlbanese.com) and some books. My goal is to double the quality of my writing so I can get some features produced. I particularly love film because of the way it blends the written word with the visual arts.

Sometimes I work with a well-known British medium documenting her work. Some of those experiences have been pretty spooky so my stories can veer into creepy territory. But not all, as I also like to write romance and adventure stories.

[Mary Albanese]

I, Mary Albanese, agree to the terms of this confidentiality agreement.

[Mary Albanese]

Hi, I’m Mary Albanese. I have written a lot of feature scripts, some tv scripts, and have produced some low budget shorts (MaryAlbanese.com). I am hoping to double the quality of my writing so I can get some features produced. Sometimes I work with a British medium documenting her work (through books ) which has lead to some spooky experiences. So some of my writing veers into the creepy. But not all of it as I like to write romances and adventure stories, too.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary’s three decisions
These decisions are the key to creating the skeleton of a profound story.
1. My profound truth – you can’t give of yourself until you can forgive yourself.
2. The change I want audiences to experience – you can’t rectify a mistake by changing things. The only way to truly go forward in a compassionate way is to forgive yourself first.
3. Entertainment vehicle – injecting the audience into a dark and scary world. Shock them with historic truth about this scary world. Then slide them little by little towards the profound truth that can set you free.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese – Analysis of GROUNDHOG DAY

Lesson 1. Analysis of GROUNDHOG DAY
What I learned: The steps of the change are the bulk of the movie. Each little step leads to another, and another. The entire movie is made up of defining the problem, smacking the character with the problem, and all the steps he takes to solve and overcome the problem.

The change: Phill needs to change from someone only interested in his selfish ego to someone who can embrace his human qualities and rejoice in a true human experience (love).
The change agent is Rita, because she is good and kind. And also smart. She’s not so dumb or naïve as to accept or allow or enable Phil’s crappy attitude.

Phill is the transformable character. He’s selfish and vain, but there’s also something change-worthy about him that makes us hope he’ll grow. His put-downs are never overly cruel, they are kind of funny. So we recognize he needs to change and believe with the right circumstances, he can. We are ROOTING for him to change. He’s not a mean person, he just thinks the world is one big joke. But the joke turns out to be on him.

How are we lured in – This is super clever. They have created a world that makes us all think “What would I do in that situation?” I have to keep watching to see what he’ll do. In my head I have a check list of things I would do. Then I watch Phill do them and see what happens. Masterful.

What causes us to connect? He’s put in an impossible situation. How do you overcome the impossible? I feel like I am stuck in the time loop with him.
What beliefs are changed – Phill changes from an egotistical (but fragile) jerk to a solid and love-worthy human being who understands that NOW is all we ever get, so he’d better make the most of it and become a person who deserves that NOW.
Profound Truth – as above.

Profound moments – So many. Every time I watch this I see more. This go-around, my favorite profound moment was when Phill, who thinks he’s a big shot because he’s a tv weatherman, realizes that the fat little muskrat in the cage, only allowed out once a year, is a better weatherman and more famous. Phil’s whole world view – being a big deal tv guy – is just one big cage that constrains him. It constrains him to live a life with just as much meaning as that fat little muskrat in his cage. Wow.

[Mary Albanese]

I agree to the confidentiality agreement. – Mary Albanese

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 3 day 5 STACKING INTRIGUE
GAME OF THRONES – Night watch meets White Walkers

Watch first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – 3 men ride out of night watch gate into ice world to find out what’s going on. Youngest scared man finds mutilated bodies in a ritualistic pattern. Scared, he rushes back.
Situation – They know something weird is out there and must explore what it is.
Conflict – The three torch men versus whatever killed the village people. But also conflict within themselves as the youngest man goes but is clearly fighting his own fear to be there.
Moving story along – Something has not only killed these people, and mutilated them, but has left them in a pattern, leaving a sick kind of message.
Ent. Value – As we focus on the young rider’s fear, we see everything he sees, and hear every thing he hears. This is 2:44 minutes of complete suspense. Sights, sounds, sights, sounds, sights, sights, sights. By the end of the scene we are scared with him.
Setups/payoffs. The nervousness in their eyes, their resolve to find out, their bravery to go out to find it – all this sets us up for something creepy. The howling wind. The smoke. The super silent sneaking over the edge of the hill to see it. The creepy dead and mutilated bodies don’t disappoint. The fear and nerves were totally warranted. Plus as he runs back, one body spiked to the tree for good creepy measure. Then the last image. This carnage was not accidental. It was ritualistic for some unknown twisted purpose.

2nd time:
What makes it great? You can explain the scene in two sentences. But to deliver it in all it’s suspense takes 2:44 minutes. Probably nearly 3 pages of writing, to fully deliver the “you are there” chills. Putting us right into the fear. Literally injecting us.
How does each step create intrigue? We start with three men. One brave, one resolved, one young man afraid. He’s our ticket into the fear. We see them ride out the tunnel. So dark. Getting smaller. Then ride through the tunnel into the snow world. They separate. We follow the young man. Creepy howling wind. He dismounts. Sees smoke. Quietly walks up to it. Coming from a valley. He CRAWLS to the edge. His worried face peers over. And sees….
How EACH REVEAL is DEMANDED. They look afraid. Where are they going? Out the gate. Why? They feel something is wrong. They split up to explore. Young one hears howling, sees smoke from a valley. Creeps to edge of the valley… quietly because he’s afraid. And there it is. Heads. Body parts. Whole bodies. Scared he runs away to run right into a body nailed to a tree. Last scene – we see what else he saw – the bodies arranged in a ritualistic pattern.
Different forms of intrigue – dark tunnel. Men getting smaller. Their faces – how each man reveals that they are going into a scary unknown situation. The door to the outside is heavy, and THUDS behind them. They put down their torches – go into dark snow word without their flames, unprotected. Split up. Scared man hears howling. Sees smoke above valley. Creeps quietly and fearfully to edge of valley to see what’s there. This is 2:44 minutes of suspense building.
The effect of stacking the images and sounds is VERY effective. Makes us see/hear EACH thing our character sees/hears as if we are seeing and hearing it all in real time with him. This puts us into the action and the fear.

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 3 Day 4 – Visual REVEALS
BREAKING BAD

Watch first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – Walter White in his underwear and gas mask drives RV in a panic. Crashes. He comes out. Sirens. SHIT. He goes back in, gets GUN, phone, and wallet. Comes out. Records something for Police.
Situation – WW drives RV, all kinds of weirdness. It crashes. He comes out, hears sirens. He goes back into the weirdness RV for gun, phone, wallet. Comes out. Records something for Police.
Conflict – WW’s conflict with the collapsed body, unanswered. WW’s conflict with the police – the chemical drugs? The bodies in the back? WW’s FEAR – he is in some horrible situation. Will he overcome?
Moving story along – So many questions. Why is he in this situation? How did he get in it and will he get out of it?
Ent. Value – Rapid fire questions coming at us from virtually every camera shot. Sometimes multiple questions per shot.
Setups/payoffs. Who belongs to the pants? The van. Who in the van? Underwear man. Why in a gas mask? Why is glass breaking? Sloshing chemicals in the back, a virtual meth lab on wheels. He can’t see through sweaty mask – and crashes into desert. How bad is it? Steep angle, motor shot. He throws mask and puts on glasses – he needs glasses which is why he couldn’t see. Why he throws gas mask? He’s flipping frustrated. SIRENS – for him? Yes! Why he goes back inside? To get GUN. Pushes unconscious man aside – he’s still alive it seems but out. Why push him? To get wallet and phone. Comes out gagging – yes, those sloshing chemicals do have toxic fumes. He records FOR POLICE, his name and address.

2nd time:
What makes it great? Each camera blocking brings new questions – all things we haven’t seen before.
How 9 pieces of info are revealed. 1. Who’s pants? Belong to the van (van drives over them.) 2. Who in van? Underwear man in mask (We see this pantsless man driving). 3. Why is glass breaking? (We SEE glass beakers and loose chemicals in back of the van.) 4. He drives but can’t see. Why? (After he comes out and takes off mask, he puts on his glasses.) 5. Will van drive away? No, we SEE it at a steep angle and HEAR it’s motor clonk out. 6. Sirens. For him? YES, as his panic increases. 7. He puts on shirt and goes back into van. Why? To get gun, wallet, and phone. 8. Is that a dead body in passenger seat? No, he pushes body sort of careful. Body unconscious. 9. Why does he need gun, wallet and phone? To record his message to the police. 10 Who is this idiot? Walter White.
How EACH REVEAL is DEMANDED. Each of those reveals answers a QUESTION raised. How was it raised? 1. Pants flying in the air. 2. We see the van drive over the pants before we see underwear man driving. This extends the intrigue an extra split second, giving the question double intrigue. Builds the pants question intrigue. 3. We hear glass breaking before we see the busted meth lab in back of van. 4. We know the driver’s view is fuzzy as we see it. Not entirely sure why he can’t see as sweaty gas mask doesn’t appear to be quite enough for a crash that big. But later we see him put on his glasses. 5. Once van crashes we need to know if it will be able to get away or not. That diagonal van into bush shot with motor petering out answers that question. 6. Who are the sirens for? His fear seems to suggest it is him. His message to police nails it. 7. Why need shirt and go back into van? To get gun, phone, and wallet. Okay, but why need shirt? To video message for police. 8. Is body in the passenger seat alive or dead? Seems to be alive as he pushes it carefully. 9. Why need gun, wallet, and phone? Phone to record message to police. Gun and wallet still a question that needs an answer. 10. Who is this fool? Walter White of Albuquerque.
How some reveals answer questions while others create questions at same time. Sometimes the answers generate even bigger questions. Why go back into van? To get gun, wallet, and phone. Why those things?

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 3 Day 3 – TAKE IT TO EXTREMES BRIDESMAIDS

Watch first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – The bridesmaids try on dresses in the fancy bridal shop. Annie wants a cheap simple dress she can afford while Helen wants the expensive one. They each try something on. But are slowly coming down with food poisoning from the cheap café Annie chose. Their symptoms get worse. Sweating. Gas. Need to vomit. The trots. Some puke in toilet. Megan poos in the sink. Lillian in the fancy jiu-jiu white dress poos in the street in the dress. Helen agrees to buy all the dresses.
Situation – They must choose the bridesmaid dress in the fancy bridal shop. They each try on something. But the symptoms of food poisoning form Annie’s cheap café choice send them into fits of fashion disaster.
Conflict – The conflict is between Annie wanting something cheap, and Helen wanting something expensive for them all. That’s the main conflict between the characters. But the other level of conflict is between each of these women and their bodies. How will they deal with extreme food poisoning in public?
Ent. Value – The food poisoning is super entertaining to see these women stuck in an extreme situation. Watching Annie pretend she’s not sick as Helen challenges her to eat fancy Jordan almonds. Megan Poos in the sink. Lillian poos in the wedding dress in the street in traffic. Super entertaining.
Moving story along – While the food poisoning expressions are super entertaining, the moving-story-along is delivered through Helen’s challenge of Annie to eat the almonds. Now we know Helen is deliberately goading Annie. For Annie, and also for us viewers, this means GAME ON. We MUST see what happens next.
Setups/payoffs. They are 5 violently sick women wearing expensive dresses they don’t own. This gives us 5 scene payoffs to see how each one will deal with it.

2nd time:
What makes it great?
Escalation on a gradient from normal to extreme. Onset of food poisoning. From gas. To sweating. To needing to barf. Needing to poo. Can’t stop either. Barf at toilet. Poo in sink. Barf on friend’s hair. Finally, poo in traffic in the street.
Each step DEFINITELY takes us further outside norm
Interesting action. How each one deals with violent food poisoning in public is increasingly out of the norm and funny.
Interesting dialogue. SO MANY good lines. The scene starts with “Welcome to Heaven.” Then ends with the fashion experience from hell. Great lines: “dress by Lady Petswa de Jiu Jiu.” “Let our bodies decide.” “There’s no question, no question – well maybe there’s a question.” “So pretty it makes my stomach hurt.” “Don’t care, just need to get off this white carpet.” “I don’t know what to say…BARF.” “No, I had the same thing and I feel fine… BARF.” “No, Megan, NO!” “Look away!” “Gray kind of lamb or weird chicken.” “In fact, I’m hungry for a snack. Starving.” “Coming out of me like lava.” “It’s happening, it’s happening… it happened.” “Really doing it – shitting in the street.”

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 3 day 3 – The TWIST – THE MATRIX

Watch first time for: Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – Neo is interrogated in a creepy room by Smith who wants his cooperation to get Morpheus. Smith says Neo has two lives – one as a nice worker who has a future. One who lives inside computer as a hacker, which has no future. Smith gives Neo a choice – which life to live. Neo chooses to flip Smith off. Smith REVEALS WHICH LIFE IS REAL by putting a robot scorpion into Neo’s stomach. Now Neo has no doubt – he really is inside the matrix and Smith is the true evil.
Situation – Neo is asked by Smith in an interrogation room to make a choice on what is real – is Neo a mild mannered worker in an office, or a matrix-bound computer hacker terrorist warrior? When Neo flips Smith off, Smith PROVES the matrix is the real world by inserting a robot scorpion into Neo’s stomach.
Conflict – Neo vs Smith is the obvious external conflict. But the real conflict is within Neo. Is his old life real? Or is the matrix real? When Neo flips Smith off, Smith reveals that the matrix is real in a very chilling way. Now Neo has no choice but to fight Smith and the matrix for his survival, and the survival of the world.
Moving story along – Now we have no choice but to be hooked into the story.
Ent. Value – Super creepy setting, super creepy Smith asking questions in a super creepy way. Then the robot scorpion in the stomach, something we have not seen before. This makes Neo’s panic OUR panic.
Setups/payoffs. Smith gives Neo a choice. Neo’s choice is to flip Smith off. We know something bad is coming. We didn’t expect it to be a robot scorpion to the stomach, but what a scary payoff it is.
2nd time:
What makes it great?
How was the twist set up? The interrogation – the choice – sets us up for something big to happen.
What happens after? Afterwards, as Neo has bug inside him, he “wakes up.” Is he bugged now? Smith did say he would help them whether he wanted to or not. The phone rings – is it Morpheus or Smith?
How twist changes direction and meaning of the scene? This twist changes the meaning of the whole story. We know now how evil Smith is. And we see the hideous extent of his evil power.
Interesting action. Super creepy to see Neo’s mouth melt away. Super creepy to see the scorpion tracker slide into his stomach and leave no trace.
Interesting dialogue. Many fantastic lines: “you help your land lady carry out her garbage.” Double meaning – Neo’s a good guy just trying to help. But also, he’s the kind of naïve guy to help Morpheus with Morpheous’s “garbage.” Brilliant. Also – Neo’s response to the choice: “That’s a pretty good offer. But I’ve got a better one. How about I give you the finger and you give me my phone call.” Smith’s response is equally catchy. “What good is a phone call if you don’t have a mouth?”

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 3 Day 1 – SUSPENSE JAWS
Watch first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – Captain Quinn is up high, telling Sheriff Brody what to do. While Hooper plays cards. Brody dumps chum in – doesn’t see the shark right behind him. Yikes! He turns – sees. Shark disappears. It’s playing with him! Shut off engine. Quinn corrects know-it-all Hooper. Shark circles. Quinn lies on radio – he wants the shark catch to himself. These guys don’t get along. Nobody respects each other. Want different things. Kill shark, photograph shark, get glory of the catch. Hooper wants Brody to put himself in danger to get a shot. Hooper’s boots slip on the wet deck. Quinn spears shark, tells Hooper to attach barrel. Hooper has his own agenda. But gets the barrel tied. Brody says they need a bigger boat. Need help. Quinn refuses. Plans to attach another barrel. But where is the shark? Quinn waits on the tippy tip of boat precariously. Now it is dark and they won’t be able to see the shark at all.
Situation – three men hunt shark, each man with a different agenda so they don’t work well together. They are bound to screw up.
Conflict – Quinn wants it dead to protect the town. Hooper wants to study it for academic glory. Quinn wants to catch it for bragging rights glory. Only one has moral goals. This scene is not about man against shark, it is man against man’s greed. Super clever way to expand the conflict into personal insight within the audience. Since man against beast is too simplistic. We need to feel the struggle within ourselves, as expressed through external struggle.
Moving story along – Now that it’s dark, the shark wounded, and clever we are desperate to see what happens.
Ent. Value – The three men are expertly crafted – the hero, the lazy academic asshole, the greedy sleazy captain. We know who we want to win. Now we must watch to see what happens.
Setups/payoffs. All the awkward angles. The slippery boots. Standing on the forward tippy plank. Great set-ups. The guy who lies, the guy who’s lazy and puts others in danger – we are properly set-up for who we want to survive.

2nd time:
What makes it great? Setting up a scene with three men in conflict against a primal threat. Dropping hints of dangerous situation – the slippery deck. The tippy plant. Starting it showing how small this boat is from above.
What sets up he suspense and makes us worry? All the awkward angles, the sheriff giving warnings that get more and more insistent. The other two ignore them, and both reveal flaws that will get them killed. Denying help. Not following orders. Shaky hands. These two are reckless for their own egos – they will have to go. But will their foolishness het our hero sheriff killed, too?
How is suspense drawn out? In the continual examples of the three men not being able to work together to stop the shark. The two greedy men overconfident. Not realizing they are slipping. Not realizing they are standing on the tippy plank. So greedy they don’t see the danger even in the daylight. But we know it is coming. And now it is dark!
What increases suspense? Showing us the shark before the sheriff sees it. Watching the two men ignore the sheriff’s plea for a bigger boat. We KNOW that boat is going down. How will it happen? In some ways, we are partly cheering for the shark to get rid of those jerks. It must come. But how? And when? This is what keeps us at the edge of our seats.
End payoff? Now it is dark. Now the two men’s foolishness to see the danger is magnified.

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 2 Day 5 – Protag/Antag RELATIONSHIP

Watch THE DARK KNIGHT SCENE first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – Batman confronts Joker with all cops watching through window. Batman smacks him around a bit. Joker messes with Batman. Says they are both freaks. Reveals Batman’s friend and fiancé are in danger. He has time to save only one and must choose.
Situation – Batman’s first in person talking with Joker. Batman must get the info from him. Smacks him around. Joker reveals he has put Batman’s friend and fiancé in danger with time now to save only one.
Conflict – Batman and Joker are on opposite sides – law and lawlessness. But Joker NEEDS Batman to “complete” him? Because they are both freaks? Does Joker want a conscience? No. He just wants a worthy opponent to mess with, and he really has.
Moving story along – Two people Batman loves are in danger – which will he save?
Ent. Value – We see what Joker wants from Batman – to really screw him over. To beat him and show him that his rule-less life wins. This is an interesting and novel viewpoint from a villain. Super thoughtful and entertaining.
Setups/payoffs. Batman punches Joker around – part of them IS alike. But Batman CARES. That’s the difference. It is a lever Joker uses to his advantage to really mess Batman up with THE CHOICE.

2nd time:
What makes it great? Joker pushes Batman’s buttons expertly. Gets him angry. Gets him wanting to kill him. Goads him – we are alike as freaks. You are not like the mortals who will drop you when its convenient. Which there is truth to that which makes Batman CRAZY to kill him. Then Joker reveals his setup with Batman’s friend and GF both in mortal danger, with time to save only one. The choice. Yikes!
HOW are they similar? They are both freaky unhuman. They both scare people because of that. Both rare freaks of nature that normal people fear.
How are they different? Batman works for the law. Joker works for himself and his own twisted selfishness. Batman has rules, Joker has none.
Motivation to be in this relationship? Batman wants to get rid of Joker. But Joker has something Batman needs – info on where to go to save the D.A. and his GF.
Interesting action. Batman smacks around an unarmed suspect. Interesting. He is going to a dark place inside himself. Part of him IS like Joker. Then between smacks, as Batman gets more angry, he BLOCKS the door with chairs – showing his intent to do Joker in. Powerful stuff – to watch him plan to break the law and go rogue.
Interesting dialogue. Joker’s every line shows that he is not an average bad guy. He has thought this trough with great planning to really screw with Batman. And his hate of mortals. His lines about mortals – “only as good as the world allows them to be – they will turn – I’m just ahead of the curve.” Super brilliant lines that make us think of ourselves as humans – and the fact that there is some truth to his demented views.

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 2 Day 4 – Character REVEAL

Watch SPIDER MAN scene first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – PP is picked on by bully. His fork sticks, webs in fingers, shoot out, grab laptop. He leaves, laptop dragging behind and bangs into door. (funny). In hall bully starts to fight him. His reflexes take over to avoid. Then he punches just one punch and bully slides away. “You ARE a freak.”
Situation – PP learns of his powers mainly through a confrontation by a bully.
Conflict – PP versus the bully.
Moving story along – PP is amazed to discover, when we do, his powers. But not everyone is impressed. They have just made life harder for him in school.
Ent. Value – Funny actions – the laptop slamming again and again into the closed door. The upside-down view of everybody watching him (funny, but shows how his world has gone figuratively upside down). Harry’s funny line “Which one.”
Setups/payoffs. PP sends Bully flying. Yay! But it just brings new problems. “You really are a freak.”

2nd time:
What makes it great? We discover, as PP does, his powers. His amazement is our amazement. That pulls us in.
How is REVEAL demanded by situation? PP has no choice but to evade the Bully, as the Bully pushes him into the fight. His one little punch wallops the bully, to PP’s amazement. And ours.
How it reveals PP’s powers – little by little, piece by piece. First, MAGNETIC (fork to hand). Then WEBS come out. Then they SHOOT out. Then they GRAB AND PULL a laptop. In the hall, his super HEARING, then his super SPEED. Then his super AGILITY , then his extreme gymnastic athleticism to flip way UP IN THE AIR. Finally, his super STRENGTH in the punch.
His and others’ reaction. He is amazed. Harry is amazed. MJ is confused, not comfortable. All others want to avoid him even more, making his miserable sorry high school life even worse.

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week _2 Day 3 __ Character SUBTEXT

Watch _GET OUT party scene______ first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – Chris attends a party his GF’s parents throw. It’s all white people who squeeze his muscles, and ask racist questions with a pleasant smile. Or speak about race in academic terms. “Black is in fashion.” He notices the black maid, acting zombified. People pointing at him. He sees Logan and goes to him. Logan doesn’t remember him. Logan is the “pet” of an old white lady, like a trained poodle. Logan is zombified. Hardly black at all. He twirls for his creepy lady’s white friends, pleased to entertain them. It is so creepy.
Situation – Chris must try to get through this party for his GF’s sake.
Conflict – These white people at his GF’s party are weird and creepy with their fake smiles and treating black people like happy poodles.
Moving story along – Questions – why are these white people like this? Why does the black maid and Logan allow to be treated like this?
Ent. Value – We feel creeped out for Chris. It is a hideously uncomfortable situation, where everyone seems to be in on a secret about you.
Setups/payoffs. He sees Logan and expects to greet “an old brother.” Instead, he gets zombified Logan who is apparently dating this creepy old white lady. Logan betrays Chris’ greeting of black fellowship to his white creepy lady. He knows Logan from before – and this isn’t him.

2nd time:
What makes it great? This is creepy on every level. Every verbal exchange, every look, every action, every gesture feels out of place in a creepy way.
Which characters cover up the real meaning? All the white characters except the GF act in such an over the top forced-happy way that we sense something is going on. And Logan covers up the real meaning the most by acting like he enjoys being treated like a trained poodle.
How many ways do they cover up the real meaning?
1. Lady TOUCHING Chris’ muscles inappropriately
2. Lady’s racist question to the GF about black men
3. Academic-like talk of dark skin being beneficial in society
4. Chris notices the black maid all zombified, serving a sea of white people.
5. Chris sees white people opening staring and pointing at him, as if he would appreciate that.
6. Chris seems someone he recognizes, an old “brother,” who doesn’t recognize Chris or act like himself with his white-washed clothes and speech.
7. “You two make a lovely couple” the old white lady says as she cuddles Logan, physically showing us how much she and Logan do NOT make a realistic or lovely couple.
8. Logan confides in the white lady what Chris said, betraying Chris’ attempt at ‘black bonding.’
9. “That’s… nice. Let’s go.” Logan’s old white lady GF is CLEARLY lying, covering it up with a bland excuse.
10. Chris tries to fist-bump Logan, who gives a good-old-boy white handshake instead.
11. Chris watches Logan turn and preen for a group of white people who applaud, like they would for a trained poodle. Scene ending line: Chris says: WTF.
What makes us see there is something deeper going on? Every verbal exchange, every glance, every action tells us there is something very creepy going on underneath the insanely bland pleasantry talk and vacuous smiles. Except for Chris and his GF, every word and every action of the party attendees is completely out of kelter.

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week _2_ Day 3 CHARACTERIZATION
Expressing who character is through decisions, actions, dialogue.
GENERIC ACTIONS OR DIALOGUE is NOT characterizing your character
Give us a unique experience of who they are thru actions/dialogue.

Watch WHEN HARRY MET SALLY scene first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – They are friends who never dated, dealing with his latest breakup. They are arguing about if a man can tell if a woman is faking it. They both think they are right. Sally decides to PROVE she is right by faking it right in the café. Making a public scene, as EVERYBODY stops to watch. We think they are disapproving, but the nearby women is actually envious.
Situation – Friends who never dated have chemistry, mostly expressed through arguing. Smarmy Sally will do ANYTHING to prove her point.
Conflict – Who is right? You can discuss it forever. But Sally decides to demonstrate how right she is. And does.
Moving story along – Defeated, he smiles after her demonstration. He likes her, even when she wins the argument. They have good chemistry. Although they are not dating, we know they BELONG together.
Ent. Value – Entertaining to see Meg Ryan fake it. Actually, this was not written into the script, she ad-libbed that scene.
Setups/payoffs. Who is right? The only way to win an argument is not talk but proof. And that’s what she did. His smile shows he realizes she is right. Women do have a power men just can’t match.

2nd time:
What makes it great?
The argument is if a man can tell a woman’s faking or not. They debate this back and forth up to the scene’s midpoint. Then Meg Ryan stops debating and DEMONSTRATES for the second half of the scene. She’s so successful (everybody stops to watch) that she proves her point.
HOW does each character speak/act from their unique profile? Sally is a bossy know-it-all woman. Harry is a calm self-assured man afraid of commitment. They work as friends because he doesn’t really want a relationship, he only wants sex. And will put up with a relationship if it gives him sex. While she is someone who wants a relationship and will put up with sex to get it.
Sally’s ego MUST prove her point. She is so tired of being bounced by men like Harry that she is insistent on winning this argument so she DEMONSTRATES a fake-out in public with the abandon of someone who MUST win the argument.
As for Harry, when her demonstration begins, he goes from concern, to annoyance that she’s doing this to prove her point, to discomfort at being watched by everyone in the café. To finally, with his nod and smile, agreeing that she has proved her point. He is confident enough to admit when he’s wrong. And he is amused by her fussy need to go this far to win her argument. He’s not horrified by her over-the-top behavior, he thinks it is funny, and kind of cute.
In other words, these two are PERFECT for each other. He doesn’t mind her need to win, and she doesn’t mind his “annoying” man-being-always-right confidence, as long as he can concede when he’s bested.
Their dialogue and actions in this scene stem from these specific profiles, that are perfectly and uniquely suited for each other. And the fun of the film is watching their egos battle it until they finally realize it.

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Mastery, Week 2 Day 1 – Character Intros that Sell Actors
Don’t tell backstory. Intro thru
Challenging situation
Unique Action
Interesting Dialogue
Deliver Character

Watch LOST Jack Intro first time for:
Basic Scene Components, which are:
Scene Arc – Suit man on beach, people screaming, a crashed plane, a mess! He runs TOWARDS the disaster. People scream for help. He goes to help man trapped under plane. Gets two other men to come pull bloody man out. Applies tourniquet with his tie. Tells two helpers to get him out of there. Goes to screaming pregnant lady. Calms her. Gets some guy to time her contractions. Tells him to call him if they come sooner than 2 minutes. “Hey, what’s your name?” “Jack.”
Situation – crashed plane, chaos of confused survivors.
Conflict – Man against disaster. Jack is the only one to help.
Moving story along – Bloody guy gets saved. Another gets sucked into plane. Pregnant woman in labor. Jack running around like a triage hero. Big guy pulled in to help, but he’s out of his depth. Crazy action, questions of what happened, questions of if these people will be okay.
Ent. Value – Never saw a guy sucked into a plane engine before. Shock. Makes you wonder what you would do in such a situation.
Setups/payoffs. “Get away from the plane.” Guy gets SUCKED in. Jack gets two guys to help pull man out, and they do. He sics the big man on timing the woman – clearly out of big man’s comfort zone. “Call me if contractions less than 3 minutes.” This is a brilliant invitation, literally forcing the big man to ask “What’s your name?” Brilliant.
2nd time:
What makes it great? In a field of chaos, we focus on suit man, the only one to keep his wits about him to help others.
How is he introduced? As the triage rock in a field of chaos.
Who is he? Someone who can take charge of a bad situation.
What makes him special? He runs TO the danger. He organizes others. He knows basic first aid and how to apply a tourniquet. If anyone can save this bunch, he’s the one.
How is his actions different than others? The others want to help, they just don’t know how. Or they are too shocked to know how. He tells/shows them how.
Interesting Dialogue? “Call me if her contractions come in less than 3 minutes.” “Yeah. Uh, what’s your name?” “Jack.” BAM! That’s how you intro a character. Big man NEEDS to know his name. Makes us eager to know his name, too.

[Mary Albanese]

Scene Matery, Week 1 Day 5, Resolution Scenes
Se7en
Watch first time for:
Scene arc: Morgan Freeman opens the bloody box. Brad Pitt has gun on evil John Doe. Morgan Freeman sees something horrible. Rushes to Brad Pitt. Says put down the gun. SUSPENCE. What is in that box? Slowly John Doe brags – Brad Pitt’s wife’s head. He killed her, even though she was pregnant. Brad Pitt didn’t know. We find out when he does what’s in the box, and that his wife is dead, and that she was pregnant. Morgan Freeman begs him not to shoot evil John Doe or it will destroy Brad Pitt. “If you kill him, he will win.” But Brad Pitt can’t NOT shoot the evil John Doe.
Situation- Brad Pitt must choose – his future life, or his rage at this killer.
Conflict – Brad Pitt’s conflict is with himself. Can he ignore his wife’s murder? Will his anger need to be released on the bad buy?
Moving story along – The whole story was leading up to this moment, this confrontation.
Entertainment Value – Brad Pit is screwed. What will he do? What would we do? Whew! Glad WE are not in that situation, but so interesting to watch Brad Pit wrestle with it.
Setup-payoff – The box. What’s in it? We don’t see right away. We are kept in the dark as Brad Pit is. But then we find out when he does. We know John Doe has been planning this, to make Brad Pit go off his mind and kill him, destroying his own career. And John Doe does it so completely.
Watch 2nd time for
How this brings movie to conclusion – Yes, conclusion. Chopper police say, “somebody call somebody.” They know Brad Pit is screwed.
How it shows new status quo – Brad Pit will now go to jail. Maybe die. His life will be garbage from here on. While John Doe, shot, no longer feels any pain.
How it is satisfying ending – Brad Pit can’t NOT kill John Doe. His rage flames up. John Doe has succeeded in destroying boy scout cop Brad Pit completely. Yikes.
Delivering character – Brad Pit had no choice but to let his emotions go crazy at hearing of his wife and unborn child’s death.
Cool dialog and last line – “If you shoot him, he will win.” This is the whole crux of the story, with John Doe’s manipulation of Brad Pitt. It is complete. “Somebody call somebody.” Even the chopper cops know this is a horrible situation – they are all powerless to stop the horrible consequences John Doe has set in motion for Brad Pit.

[Mary Albanese]

Great Scenes – CLIMAX
A FEW GOOD MEN
Watch the first time for:
Scene Arc – Kaffee questions Jessup, who lies. Kaffee pauses – then goes in with his big question. If all men obey Jessup, who says Santiago was not to be touched, why did he order Santiago off base for his own “protection.” This is the tiny tear Kaffee intends to use to rip Jessup’s lie apart. And it does.
Situation – Kaffee feels Jessup is quilty of harming Santiago but must prove it by getting Jessup to confess.
Moving Story Forward – The whole investigation has been heading to this. Will Kaffee prove someone hurt Santiago ON ORDERS or will Santiago’s death be left as accidental. The crux of the whole story.
Entertainment value – Jessup comes off as a bully. Even in just this scene he looks like a pompous self-righteous jerk. We want him to go down. And enjoy it when he does.
Setup/payoff. Kaffee seems beat – Jessup won’t budge. He has only one card left – a suspicion. It’s vague and requires Jessup to come clean. Somebody tells him not to use it. He pauses. Then does. Will it work? It seems not to be working. But he manages to push Jessup until he cracks and admits his guilt.
Watch the second time for:
Escalation of Conflict. Kaffee keeps his cool and keeps asking the question – did you order the code red. The judge says Kaffee is in contempt of court, but Kaffee keeps pushing – I want the answers. Lucky for him Jessup pushes back, Kaffee doesn’t let up, and Jessup finally cracks.
Final Twist. Jessup not only confesses, but he lets his venom and disrespect for Kaffee out. “I’m going to rip your eyes out and piss on your skull.” The final twist is that Jessup is not allowed to return to his base but gets arrested, and everybody in the room agrees.
Intriguing dialog. “YOU CAN”T HANDLE THE TRUTH.” Best line of the film, and something that was ad-libbed by Jack Nicolson in the moment. Brilliant.
Final pay-off of the movie. Jessup is marched away to confinement, after revealing his true arrogant, lying, hateful self.

[Mary Albanese]

Great Scenes – TURNING POINTS
GET OUT
Act 1 turning point. What makes it great? Why does it work? What’s the twist? What’s the SCENE ENDING?
Chris doesn’t believe in hypnosis. Mom Missy goes from being concerned about how he is feeling, to stirring her cup and pushing him to relive his worst day. Using that fear to trap him in the “sunken (helpless) place. She sees him there, intrigued at his fear and pain. Now he knows these people have this weird power. THE TWIST: They CAN hypnotize him and make him vulnerable and powerless. Scene ending: HE EXPERIENCES his vulnerability as Missy watches him without any feeling.
Midpoint – Logan freaks out. He starts out saying being black is an advantage, with his old big white GF. Ewwww. We know that’s not right. Chris takes a picture. Logan’s nose bleeds (physical damage). Then he changes. “GET OUT.” He literally attacks Chris. They bring him in later and he’s zombie glad to be “safe” with his old white GF. Now Logan knows they did something to Logan to change him. THE TWIST: They don’t just make you feel powerless, they can change you into a zombie. Scene ending: LOGAN has been totally re-zombified.
Act 2 Turning point – Rose and the keys. Chris starts out trying to get the car keys that Rose has. She fumbles. The Dad says creepy stuff, ramping up Chris’ fear. The BROTHER does creepy attack things, ramping up Chris’ fear. Tea-stirring Mom enters. Chris calls Rose 10 times – more fear with each time. Finally, he says “where are those keys, Rose?” He’s questioning/figuring out she may be in on it. Her motives unmasked, she abruptly admits it. “You know I can’t give them to you, right babe?” The TWIST – THIS WHOLE THING WAS A SETUP/BETRAYAL from the very start. Scene ending: He’s BACK IN THE SUNKEN PLACE as “one of Rose’s favorite victims” ending with not only pain and fear and powerlessness but TOTAL HUMILIATION.

[Mary Albanese]

12 Angry Men
FIRST TIME — Basic Components. The scene arc/situation is to show us we have 11 votes for guilty and one for undecided. Mr. Undecided says we owe the man a few minutes as we are talking about condemning him to die. The others don’t agree.
Conflict – Some of the men are angry at Mr. Undecided. Some feel he’s a soft do-gooder. One wants to get out and go to a ballgame. Some support his desire to talk. We get several of these personalities in conflict right away.
Moving the story forward – the big questions – what did they hear/see that makes them think what they do? Let’s have each one tell us. This is set up, and the first one starts to reveal why he voted that way.
Entertainment Value – Lots of conflict. Some people are clearly jerks. Will the jerks learn something? I want to know. I am intrigued/entertained by the possibility of that.
Set-ups/pay-offs. We have the consequences of what their votes will bring. We know the victimized young man who will get those consequences. We know that the Undecided man will feel guilt if he doesn’t at least consider all possibilities.
Invitation to the journey – We know it is Mr. Undecided’s sense of right and wrong that is at stake. He’s not sure, and until he is sure, he can’t in good conscience send a young man to his death. It’s a noble cause. He says it wasn’t easy. But despite not being sure of the man’s innocents, he wants to be sure of his guilt before he sends this young man to his death. So he pushes them to talk it out to try to get to the bottom of it.
SECOND TIME
Challenging situation – One man of conscience against 11 who just want the whole thing over quick and be done with it.
Interesting action – Verbal arguing. With 12 different viewpoints, we are already off to several combative verbal exchanges.
Intriguing dialog – here we have a real life and death situation. “get this done in time to see the game. “It’s a life. We owe him a few minutes.” “We don’t owe him a thing.” “Born in a slum, mother died, father in jail. Somebody kicks him at least once every day.” “He stabbed his father 4” inches into his chest.”
Something inside this character needs to go on the journey. Mr. Undecided makes it very clear that his conscience must be satisfied this young man is guilty if he is to vote guilty, as he realizes this young man’s life is literally in his decision, so for his own sake, he must be very sure. And right now, he is not sure. There are pieces that make the young man look guilty, but Mr. Undecided needs to be SURE before he sends young man to his death. His conscience will not be appeased until he is certain.

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned — I like how we have two action teams involved in the bank robbery. This gives us a chance to have dialogue that moves the story forward merged with multiple action. In the car there are three quick exchanges of dialogue. Followed by two quick exchanges on the roof. In a short space, dove-tailed with action, we get the entire set-up of the heist. Once we get in the bank, we have a very few exchanges, but it tells us that this bank (and the guy in the suit) are mob-related, setting us up for later intrigue. A fun surprise is the BUS. Nice twist. We think the end reveal is that the Joker is the 5th robber. But that was too obvious as we had probably guessed that. The real end twist is that Joker doesn’t kill the man in the suit. Why? Because it shows us that the dialogue was correct — Joker is freaky strange.

[Mary Albanese]

Hello! I’m Mary Albanese. I’ve written several scripts. I am hoping this class will help me elevate my writing with killer opening scenes. Something unusual about me — I work with a psychic who talks to dead people and I write a series of books about that under my pen name.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese delivers Irony.

What I learned: Irony isn’t that hard to create when you realize it is just opposites that clash. What a great way to think of it! This reminds me of a concept that has been fascinating me for a long time — the antimony. An antimony is the situation that results when you have two diametrically opposed opposites BUT BOTH ARE TRUE. Example: Statement 1: Writing is the most public thing you can do. Statement 2: Writing is the most private thing you can do. These two statements are complete opposites. Yet both are true, which stops and makes you think. This creates big energy, and is pretty exciting. I think using antimonies is another great way to infuse irony into a script. So I will add antinomies to the bottom of my list of ironies for my script.

P14 Homework

Five examples of Irony in my script.

The irony in Opposites:

Heather learns from Guy even though he’s not really there.

Heather loses her mother’s love and finally realizes she hasn’t lost anything.

Heather gets to walk but doubts she deserves it.

Anna becomes a major executive – of a bunch of broken cars.

Ethan is locked away in an institution where he becomes a respected teacher.

Guy influences everyone the most even though he dies young.

Mr. Guth succeeds but can’t shed his hidden pain.

Maddie never walks but finds a way to save others from the same fate.

Maddie finds purpose she wouldn’t have had if she hadn’t been shattered.

Anna pushes for someone to have a meltdown, and the one who has it is herself.

These wheelchair kids are just like every other teenager. At the same time, these wheelchair kids are NOTHING like every other teenager.

Heather’s persistence is annoying. Heather’s persistence is her superpower. Two opposites, but both are true.

Ethan is greatly handicapped and will have a limited life. Ethan’s art will live on forever.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s INSIGHT THROUGH IRONY

What I learned: Irony isn’t that hard to create when you realize it is just opposites that clash. What a great way to think of it! This reminds me of a concept that has been fascinating me for a long time — the antimony. An antimony is the situation that results when you have two diametrically opposed opposites BUT BOTH ARE TRUE. Example: Statement 1: Writing is the most public thing you can do. Statement 2: Writing is the most private thing you can do. These two statements are complete opposites. Yet both are true, which stops and makes you think. This creates big energy, making it pretty exciting. I think using antimonies is another great way to infuse irony into a script. So I will add antinomies to the bottom of my list of ironies for my script.

Day 14 Homework

Five (or more) examples of Irony in my script.

The irony in Opposites:

Heather learns from Guy even though he’s not really there.

Heather loses her mother’s love and finally realizes she hasn’t lost anything.

Heather gets to walk but doubts she deserves it.

Anna becomes a major executive – of a bunch of broken cars.

Ethan is locked away in an institution where he becomes a respected teacher.

Guy influences everyone the most even though he dies young.

Mr. Guth succeeds but can’t shed his hidden pain.

Maddie never walks but finds a way to save others from the same fate.

Maddie finds purpose she wouldn’t have had if she hadn’t been shattered.

Anna pushes for someone to have a meltdown, and the one who has it is herself.

These wheelchair kids are just like every other teenager. At the same time, these wheelchair kids are NOTHING like every other teenager.

Heather’s persistence is annoying. Heather’s persistence is her superpower. Two opposites, but both are true.

Ethan is greatly handicapped and will have a limited life. Ethan’s art will live on forever.

[Mary Albanese]

DAY 13 – Mary Albanese’s CONFLICT delivers INSIGHT

What I learned from this assignment… Creating conflict to deliver insight seems to be easier than delivering insight through action. I need to work on that, for sure.

The insight: Anna tries to goad the others into a meltdown but because of her selfish nature, she ends up only pushing herself into a humiliating epic meltdown.

The kind of conflict that could trigger this?

A power struggle. Anna rushes to show the new girl around, claiming her spot as “the best” and most knowledgeable of them all.

Verbal abuse. Anna scolds Heather harshly for not being more like her.

Public humiliation: Anna disrespects Heather in front of the whole class.

Physical Confrontation: Anna physically takes William’s wheelchair from him so he can’t join the game.

Anna accuses Maddie of cheating, which isn’t technically true since Maddie wasn’t even playing the game.

Anna does all these things, but it backfires on her as she is the one that breaks down in front of everybody.

Often, those most outwardly bossy are the least confident of all, which makes them exceptionally brittle.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s Day 12 PROFOUND MOMENT Assignment #A

What I learned from this assignment: Holy smokes, nearly every line or action in SEABISCUIT is a profound moment, whether it is expressed through action, dialogue, historical footage with voice overs, or counterpointing visuals. Here’s my tally.

SEABISCUT – Profound Moments

How is it portrayed? What is the PROFOUND MOMENT?

Action Smith trains horses with gentle hand movements. NOBODY does it this way.

Action: family contest “We never know how high we are…” Also reveals character.

Metaphor Poetry (Red riding a horse). “He is the poetry.” Reveals character & relationship.

Counter-example Toast “To the future!” followed by the headline of the Wall Street crash.

Action: Parents leaving their son at a house while they move on.

Action/visual Broken car – Howard holds the body of his dead son. A broken man.

Action Red walks by the food line, too proud to get free food. Revealing character.

V.O. “When America needed a drink, you couldn’t get one.”

Action Red puking to make the scale weight. Reveals depth of his drive.

Action Red reads to a hushed room: Wolf cuts in: “It’s YOU that are the greatest jockey.”

Action Smith calms the scared horse about to be killed. Oh no!

Counterpoint “Are you blind?” “Are you okay?” Something intriguing here. Not sure what yet.

Action – irony Red wakes up on the ground. “Did I lose?” “Oh no, you clobbered him.”

Dialogue “Every horse is good for something. Don’t throw away if a little banged up.”

V.O. Horse looked THROUGH him. That look in his eye. Damn!

V.O. Wild Seabiscuit lolling and lounging. Eating twice as much though twice as small.

V.O. Seabiscuit’s bitter and angry, being trained to lose to large, sleek champions.

Action! Horse fights. Red fights. They have the same type of angry edge.

Action Red goes into stall with feisty horse. “I know what you’re about.”

Explanation dialog “He forgot what he was born to do. Be a horse again.”

Action Take him “as far as he goes.” Horse runs like crazy, VERY far. Forshadowing.

Photos and V.O. The depression AND the horse and jockey. “Relief – you are no longer alone.”

Action “Smart horses need company.” Goat goes FLYING out of the stall.

Visual Seabiscuit and horse Pumpkin cuddling together.

Action “Asleep.” Until the horse sees one to beat. Then: “He hankers for competition.”

Dialogue “What if it’s late (in the race.)” I don’t think it’s gonna matter much. Honestly.”

Juxtaposition “What are you so mad at?”/ Dad says “we’ll call you” but never calls.

Action Act of kindness. “Of course I still want you to ride.” “I need $10.” Gives him 20.

Action Seabiscuit wins first race.

V.O. & photos Those “broken before suddenly restored. Found their voices.”

Action/irony Jockey quoting Shakespeare: “Though he be but little he is fierce.”

Action Little kids excited to see Seabiscuit race.

Dialogue “Sometimes you just need a 2^nd chance.”

Conflict/truth “He hasn’t won against a great horse.”

Big talk $100,000 “FUTURE.” With all the best horses on one track! The finish line!

Dialogue “Try to feel it. The horse will tell you when he’s ready.” (Learning from horse).

Conflict “I can’t see out there!” Big reveal!

Call-back “You don’t throw a life away cause it’s banged up.”

Dialogue “I’d rather have one horse like this than 100 War Admirals.”

Dialogue “Won’t give up even when life beats him by a nose.”

Dialogue “horse too small, jockey too big, trainer too old, and me too dumb to notice.”

——————3^rd ACT – THE BIG RACE with fancy big War Admiral ———————————————–

Dialogue “They still crap. Well, they do.”

Visual War Admiral is a big black snorting beast of a horse. Only two weeks to re-train.

Visual Smith whittles while the eager press begs for newsy tidbits.

Action Red rides Seabiscuit in the dark. Fast! Wowza!

Action On another horse, Red falls and gets badly dragged.

Dialogue Leg shattered. Operate! Will walk again but will NEVER ride.

Conflict “No! Don’t scratch! Call Wolf!”

Action/dialog Red Tells Wolf: “I’ll be right there with you.”

Action/dialog Shuts door for secret. “Give up the lead. It’s not in his feet, but (in his heart.)”

V.O. 15,000 gallons of lemonade. 60,000 hot dogs. 40million Americans hear the call.

Secret dialog “…Catch me in the back stretch? You’re not the only one who knows this horse.”

V.O. & photos Actual historic photos of the crowds on the day of the race.

Big Action “Come on. Back him off!” This goes against jockey training. Will he????

Big Action Wolf FEELS the horse shift. “See you, Charley.” Seabiscuit and Wolf BLAST off.

Action Later, Seabiscuit hurts leg. “He’s not gonna race again. Shall I put him down?”

Visual Now Red AND Seabiscuit have matching bandaged legs.

Metaphor Hadrian’s quote: “brick by brick, my citizens.”

Action Red gets back on Seabiscuit.

Action Red eating like crazy. “What?” He’s got something to live for again.

Dialog Radio guy says “Three scoops! This horse drives me crazy. Guess who?”

Dialog Red says: “And this the most unkindest cut of all.”

Conflict “He made me better.”

Dialogue “Better to break a man’s leg than his heart.”

Conflict Son’s toy. Ball always rolls out again. “Just let him ride.”

Dialog/metaphor Radio guy says: “Lazarus! But with TWO returns from the dead.”

Visual Wife in the shadows with Seabiscuit’s mate – two sister support beasts.

Action Howard’s wife leaves the shadows and stands on top of a car to see the race.

Action Seabiscuit is WAY behind. Of course he is, with his bad leg.

Action/dialog Seabiscuit starts to come on. “There it is.” “Have a nice ride.”

Action/visual The horse’s view as he passes all – nothing but empty track. The world is his!

Dialogue “He fixed us. Everyone of us. We kind of fixed each other, too.”

ASSIGNMENT B

5 Ways to reveal INSIGHTS in my script from ACTION.

What I learned from this assignment? It is WAY harder to create actionable insights for my script than to analyze the tons of actionable insights in SEABISCUIT. I will have to work on this.

INSIGHTS: Heather learns she doesn’t need to prove herself to Mr. Guth to make him approve her surgeries. ACTION – Heather concocts a football game to impress Mr. Guth, but fails to make a goal. Despite this, she finds he has already approved her surgeries.

Heather learns it’s not her legs that keeps her mother from loving her but her mother’s own problems. ACTION: Heather suffers the pain of her surgeries but realizes that the problem was not hers but her mother’s.

Anna learns that her brother couldn’t face her not because he was embarrassed by her but because he was ashamed of himself. Still, Anna does not learn or change. By not changing, she shows us who Heather could have ended up like if she had followed Anna’s advice.

Heather learns that she deserved to walk after all. ACTION: She learns this by summoning someone from the past who isn’t really there. In other words, we see her learn it for herself, from herself.

Heather learns the value of chasing fun. Action: Heather chases fun all through the story, and at the end is rewarded for embracing all the little joys of life.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s LIVING METAPHORS

What I learned from this lesson was…. Metaphors have always confused me. I use them, I have noted, but analyzing them has always given me a headache and makes me feel like my 8^th grade teacher is yelling at me to be more cleverly insightful. So it was very helpful for me in this lesson to get a formula for applying them, in the specific structure of “This thing/person/whatever X___________ is a living metaphor for my story’s profound truth as it challenges the old way of thinking that _________________________.

SHOULD WORK BUT DOESN”T

1. Even with the whole class running interference for Heather, she still can’t make the goal.

2. Heather tries to trick Julie into delivering her paperwork for Mr. Guth but it doesn’t work.

3. Their football game impresses the student body but for all the wrong reasons.

4. Heather walks again but can’t “fix” her mother’s inability to love her.

5. Beau has what all high school boys wants but doesn’t succeed.

LIVING METAPHORS

1. Anna’s meltdown is a living metaphor that challenges the idea that Maddie is always right.

2. William’s election to class prez and coaching job challenges the view that options for disabled kids are physically limited.

3. Anna’s self-congratulatory empire is a used car sales job, challenging the view that her way is better than the rest of them.

4. Guy’s presence is a living metaphor that challenges the idea of who has value.

5. The football game is a metaphor that challenges the idea that they can’t be noteworthy.

6. Heather’s annoying terrier-like persistence becomes her superpower, challenging the idea that others should be allowed to define/doubt your self worth.

7. Heather’s goal to chase fun is not sad but life-affirming, challenging the idea that others get to make you deny your worth.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s Counter-examples

What I learned doing this assignment is… how to create subliminal messages through counter-examples for your profound truth to creep in. I am reminded of the old drive-in movie theaters where they used to flash images of hot dogs during the intermission so fast you wouldn’t be consciously aware of them, but that line for the snack bar was SOOOO LOOOOONG. In other words, stuff your script with multiple counter-examples EVERYWHERE YOU CAN and they won’t even realize why your profound truth is impacting them so deeply. Makes me hungry to go beef up my script!

5 Questions for questioning old ways:

1. Why should Heather get to walk again? Why should she be the one?

2. Why should Heather’s self worth be based on her mother’s problems?

3. Why does Guy feel Heather is worthy?

4. Why does Mr. Guth feel Heather deserves to walk again?

5. When/how will Heather accept her own self worth?

5 Counterexamples

1. After the crash, Anna’s brother who emerged unscathed falls into a bad life of drugs, while Anna with her broken body goes on to become a successful executive.

2. Heather learns to love herself from a friend who is not really there.

3. Guy with the most crippled body of all has the greatest impact on the others.

4. Ethan with his many limitations becomes as valuable a teacher as their impressive Mr. Guth.

5. Maddie finds grace but swears like a sailor.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s “Old Ways/Challenge” chart

What I learned: Besides the very cool way to create doubt and challenges without the protagonist using angry conflict, I learned that even in a one location/one scene script, you can still clearly structure your acts by the emotional content, which I have included in my old ways/challenge chart. Also, I got to see some really great ways to use visual images to subconsciously insert your profound truth even more.

OLD WAYS CHALLENGE

We START with an OPENING PROFOUND IMAGE – On the courthouse above the marble pillars

etched into the stone is the phrase “JUSTICE – THE FIRMEST PILLAR.”

“open and shut case” No challenge yet. This is all before the inciting incident.

“slap tough kids down”

“We’ve got things to do”

“this is dull”

“get out quick: ball game”

“Kid kills father. That’s it.”

———————————————-INCITING INCIDENT – FIRST VOTE. One person says “NOT QUILTY”

NOW cracks begin in the GUILTY vote.

“We don’t owe him a thing” “I don’t know. Let’s talk about it first.”

“He is a born liar” “I’m not trying to change your mind. But isn’t a life worth a few words?

“It’s our job to convince this gentleman” (agreeing that there is something worth talking about)

“I just think he’s guilty.” (Admitting it’s a hunch, not based on evidence.)

“Make a man out of (son) (revealing that he is basing this case not on facts but on his personal

Hit me in the jaw.” relationship with his son)

“I grew up in the slum” Inference – is guilt based on association or on truth?

“I have questions.”

“Defense not thorough.”

“Knife NOT unique!” Hmmm. Interesting. Possible… Doubt creeping in.

Let’s vote again. If nobody joins his NOT-GUILTY vote, he will drop it.

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BIG SUSPENSE. What will happen??? END OF ACT 1

———-ACT 2. NEW VOTE shows one man HAS JOINED him. Now we are in the new world of possibilities.

“guilty where he belongs” “Probably guilty but I want to hear more.”

“It isn’t easy to stand alone to the ridicule of others.”

“It’s possible.”

“Old man testified for attention? To mean something?”

“Why would a murderer shout out his murderous intention?”

“Lawyer made a good case” “Lawyers aren’t infallible.”

“Old man heard words DURING the El train crossing?’

“Why would murderer come back three hours later?”

“He panicked? But left no fingerprints? Doesn’t make sense.”

“Witnesses can make mistakes.”

Mad at his son “Don’t make it personal!”

“Old man RAN? With a limp?

“He was confused – how could he be positive about anything?”

“You don’t really mean YOU’LL KILL ME, do you?”

“We have a responsibility. Not a personal thing.”

“You CAN twist facts.

“room for doubt. Lots of details never came out.”

Time for a new vote – END OF ACT 2

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——ACT 3 – New VOTE REVEALS an EVEN 6 to 6 split!!! ——————————————

Switchblade stabs up, not down.

“You are playing with a man’s life for baseball tickets???”

“Have the guts to do what you think is right”

“These people lie. Dangerous!” PROFOUND ACTION: All the men stand up and refuse to look at him.

“Prejudice obscures truth.”

New vote shows 9 have reasonable doubt.

One man goes back and forth, unsure.

Wait! The witness woman wears glasses! How could she see?

“This is not a contest.”

Now the vote is 11 to one.

Angriest man goes nuts.

Rips up his son’s photo “Here’s my evidence. Rotten kids! They tear your heart out.” He bawls his eyes out, and finally realizes he is mad at his son, not the accused. He sputters out: “Not guilty.”

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PROFOUND IMAGES AT THE END: Now that they have left the room with their unanimous not guilty verdict, the empty table with all their leavings displays evidence of all their different personalities displayed – the drawings, the doodles – all of them so different. Yet all came to the same conclusion of reasonable doubt.

PROFOUND IMAGE AT THE END: Henry Fonda, the white knight of the group, walks out in his white suit against the dull gray and black of the rainy night.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s Villain Has a Great Plan!

What I learned: It was great to hear the difference between story and backstory, and how to fold in backstory in little bits through the protagonist’s discovery, when you have the audience on the edge of their seats eagerly anticipating it and NEEDING it.

In my script-to-be, here’s my villain’s plan.

1. END GOAL – to find the Inca’s treasure by coaxing the protagonist to locate it, and instead of keeping it secret as her sect has for generations, to kill the protagonist and hoard the treasure for herself.

2. HOW TO DEVIOUSLY ACCOMPLISH IT? The villain puts the protagonist in serious danger with only one way out – to uncover the secret that only she can discover.

3. HOW CAN THEY COVER IT UP? Once the protagonist has found the treasure and the villain has followed her there, she will kill the protagonist and keep the treasure for herself.

4. SEQUENCE IT. Protagonist realizes she’s in danger. She’s now the last in a line of a family of who have died mysteriously. Why? To figure this out, she must figure out why she is special, and who might be after her. As she puts together the pieces of her heritage to see what was special about her ancestral tree, she discovers that her ancestor discovered a rare secret to the Inca’s treasure and its location. She must go on a journey of discovery to uncover why she is special, and what is the ultimate prize for her hereditary, knowing that the mysterious and hidden villain is not far behind. As she uncovers more pieces of her heredity’s puzzle, she gets closer and closer to uncovering the location of the Inca’s treasure, with the villain not far behind. Who will win? Will our hero get there in time to figure everything out so she can claim the treasure and defeat the villain? Or will the villain who has set her up to discover the treasure’s location get there in time to destroy our hero and keep the treasure for herself?

[Mary Albanese]

Hi Leslie,

I like how you added the escalations to your MIS breakdown of SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and also, how you added THE CONTRASTS. I had not thought to do that in this exercise, but you are so right — these contrasts that you pointed out go a long way to keeping us on edge in the roller-coaster ups and downs of thriller story-telling.

Cheers! – Mary

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s BASIC INSTINCT Stacking Suspense

What I learned: Each of the 42 scenes, from start to finish, had at least 3 elements of mystery, suspense, intrigue, new reveal of a character’s MIS, or stakes. These were layered on like thick swaths of frosting on the most decadent ice cream cake. It is these layers that make a “delicious” thriller.

My SILENCE OF THE LAMBS Stacking Suspense

What I learned: Using the BASIC INSTINCT example given, I broke down SILENSE OF THE LAMB into its 27 scenes, and annotated each scene with its MIS elements. In each scene, as with the BASIC INSTINCT script, there were at least 3 elements of mystery, suspense, intrigue, new reveal of a character’s MIS, or stakes. Sometimes a scene contained all 5. NO SCENE had less than three MIS elements working together. Again, these various layers of elements were troweled on thick like a Van Gough painting with the colors swirled on with a palate knife, to create a rich and hearty thriller.

I noticed that even a minor action, when combined with scary music, elevates the scene and tips you off that a bit of intrigue is happening.

There were two flashback scenes, but flashback was used very sparingly. They were shown as barely a glimpse, so they were not distracting or overly expository.

So many scenes had character-defining MIS elements, notably for Clarise, and Hanibal, but also towards the third act, for the kidnapped Catherine. There were some minor MIS elements for the arrogant shrink and Clarise’s boss. SO much character MIS was introduced, and in fact, was the main way we learned about the details and motivation of main characters, through their episodes and examples of MIS.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s Profound Ending

What I learned is that it is fun wrapping the ending around the profound truth and the character’s transformation, and the stronger you knit those things together, the stronger the story will be.

At the end, Mia is running her own scientific investigation. Her boyfriend Tom shows up to tell her that her brother Ed is planning to come up. He’s doing well in his career path, learning how to run a business, which is something Mia helped him figure out. Tom delivers some news. The National Parks Service is trying to contact Mia to get information for a public road sign they want to display, because Mia has done the nearly impossible. Starting with a number of clear disadvantages, she has succeeded in a grueling male field, and has become the world’s expert on the volcanoes she mapped.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s Connection with Audience

What I learned: It’s not magic or clever writing that makes the audience care – it is THOUGHTFUL writing that lays in the proven methods and tools of audience engagement.

In my script Maggie is the transformational character who will connect and draw audiences in. How?

Relatability. She gets put into a new situation, going from NY to Alaska. It’s very different. She needs to learn how to deal with a new place. We all have experienced going somewhere new and having to figure out this new situation.

Intrigue – Why is she here? What does she hope to gain from coming to this [lace that is so different than her home?

Empathy – She says something naiive and the others laugh at her. We have been laughed at for saying something that others already understand.

Likeability – she saves a bird who is just as out of its element as she is. Reminding her how out of her element she is. And also showing us that she worries about the dangers here.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s Three Gradients

What I learned doing this assignment is…that even minor characters need to fit onto some level of the gradients of change.”

The 3 Gradients: Desired Change

Emotional Gradient: Excitement

Action Gradient: Maggie is excited to be given a trial chance to become part of the scientific program.

Challenge / Weakness Gradient:

C: She only has a year to complete it.

W: She is behind all the others academically and experience-wise.

Emotional Gradient: Doubt

Action Gradient: She takes steps towards her goal but learns there are many dangers she didn’t expect.

Challenge / Weakness Gradient:

C: Will she learn enough in her trial period to survive the dangers?

W: As one of the few females ever inducted into the program, she is physically not as strong as the males.

Emotional Gradient: Hope

Action Gradient: Despite a setback that could derail her, she is allowed six more weeks to impress the instructors or be kicked out.

Challenge She must complete an expedition to these volcanoes and determine if they are dangerous or not.

/ Weakness Gradient: But now none of the men in the program will work with her. She must enlist help from outside, and brings aboard her brother from NY who is very inexperienced.

Emotional Gradient: Discouragement

Action Gradient: She leads her brother out into the field. But she has not taken into account his vast inexperience and immaturity, which threatens to get him killed.

Challenge / How to complete this mission without losing her brother?

Weakness Gradient: She does not yet have the confidence to be a good leader of the mission.

Emotional Gradient: Courage

Action: She starts to figure out how best to use his talents so that he aids the exploration and doesn’t hinder it. She’s starting to learn to depend on her own wisdom in making choices.

Weakness: She still worries about proving herself and if what she’s done is enough. When she can’t find the rocks she needs for her analysis she doubts herself despite the steps of progress she has made.

EMOTIONAL GRADIENT: BECOMING

Action: She starts to feel like she belongs here. But can she make others believe it, too?

CHALLENGE: What more can she do to prove herself to others?

WEAKNESS: She is still too worried about her image, and what others think of her.

TRIUMPH:

ACTION: The sacrifice. She releases her brother from the expedition to follow his own pursuits, because now she knows she doesn’t need to hold on so tight to prove herself. She’s done enough to realize that she has what it takes, and that by simply following her path, she has earned her place in the scientific expedition community.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s WORLD and CHARACTERS

What I learned – give secondary characters their own mystery and intrigue. They’re not there just to help the main character, but to add depth as we mine their inner layers as well.

1. Remind us of your CONCEPT and the Big M.I.S. of your story.

Big Mystery: What is the main mystery of your
story that will keep us wondering throughout the story?

Why is this murderous cult after our hero Mia?

Big Intrigue: What is the covert, clandestine,
underhanded part that will live under the surface for most of the movie?

What secret does the cult think Mia will discover?

Big Suspense: What is the main danger to your Hero that
will continue to escalate throughout the script?

Will Mia discover the secret before the cult destroys her?

2. Tell us the Intriguing World you have selected for this story.

This is the world of a medieval religious fanatic cult that still exists to destroy anyone who gets close to the secret they protect.

3. With your top 2 or 3 characters, tell us the role they play and then answer these three questions:

PROTATONIST

A. What is the mystery of this character?

Why is Mia, an arctic biologist, so dangerous to this cult?

B. What is the suspense of this character?

Will discovering who she really is help her evade the killer cult?

C. What is the intrigue of this character?

Who is she? What secret about herself doesn’t she know and will she uncover it in time to save herself?

THE BOYFRIEND

While he doesn’t know anything about the cult, will he be able to help Mia understand important things about herself?

Will he survive and/or help Mia survive the cult?

What about him will give Mia an edge (or a hinderance.)

ANTAGONIST

Why is the new cult queen so eager to get Mia?

Will she destroy Mia before Mia even understands she’s being hunted?

Why isn’t the new cult queen following cult rules? What’s her hidden agenda?

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s GRADIENTS OF CHANGE for her script.

What I learned – Plot your emotional path with at least one action and one weakness/challenge to overcome for each emotional experience. This creates the skeleton of your project in a way readers can track and experience along with your characters.

What is the Emotional Gradient you’ll use? THE DESIRED CHANGE
For each emotion of that gradient, tell us the following:

EXCITEMENT

ACTION: When Maggie’s plan to learn how to teach kids about rocks fails, she talks her way into being given a chance to accepted into a much harder program to become an exploration geologist. She never before thought she would be able to do this kind of thing, and the prospect is thrilling.

WEAKNESS – but she hasn’t had all the classes to qualify. She needs to study a ton of books and pass a difficult test in two weeks or else she won’t get in.

She gets in, at least for the first trial year. This is super exciting that she now has a year in this program to prove herself. HUGE EXCITEMENT.

DOUBT –

ACTION: She discovers this program is more dangerous than she imagined. The boys don’t think she can cut it. Checking through the program’s history she calculates that 1/5 of the trainees (the boys) don’t survive the training. Yikes! And she’s got to come up with an expedition idea and successfully lead it. How can she possibly do that when she is so far behind academically and the boys are much stronger?

WEAKNESS – She doubts her academic knowledge, her strength, and her resolve. All three work against her, eating away at her confidence. How can she possibly figure out an expedition idea when she’s so inexperienced?

HOPE

ACTION – She comes up with an expedition idea to explore and study a group of volcanoes that could jeopardize the safety of the 100,000 tourists that visit McKinley park. This is a project with real world ramifications and significance. She gets her exploration plan approved!

WEAKNESS – But her actions have triggered a backlash. And her angry outburst at a disrespectful male student has repercussions that make the other boys refuse to work on her crew. And her expedition can’t succeed without at least one other person on her crew.

DISCOURAGEMENT

ACTION: She enlists her young brother from NY to be her crew. They go out into the wilderness on her expedition. They get into trouble. His inexperience foils her efforts. Dangers face them. Although she tries so hard, she can’t find the rocks that would give her the results she needs to reach proper scientific conclusions about the volcanoes.

Weakness – she’s discouraged by her lack of success. What will all those boys say when she fails? She’s also challenged by her inability to deal with her brother’s inexperience, and the natural problems they face including bears, dangerous river crossings, and running out of food. She’s never encountered things like this before. How can she possibly deal with such things that are so far out of her experience?

COURAGE

She ploughs on anyway, and mends her relationship with her brother. She goes out alone while he protects the camp from bears, and does all she can to find the rocks she needs for her expedition.

WEAKNESS – Although she demonstrates courage, she still can’t find the rocks she needs. Were all those boys right about her? She doubts her ability to ever succeed in this difficult field, and has a crisis of confidence. What will they all say when she fails? She doubts herself, and doubts if she is worthy of being in this difficult field.

TRIUMPH

ACTION – When challenged by the bear that’s been tracking her, she stands up to her right to be there, and FINDS the rocks she needs to succeed in her work. She finally realizes she has never needed to prove herself to anyone else but herself, and now that she has embraced her right to take this project head-on, she can release her brother to get on with his own life. To complete her mission, all she has to do is believe in herself and stick to her path, and she will figure something out.

SUCCESS – She sticks to her path, figures out her last challenge, and succeeds in her mission. This vaults her into becoming a valued member of the scientific exploration community.

[Mary Albanese]

]Mary Albanese – Analysis of DEAD POETS SOCIETY.

What is the change this movie is about? What is the Transformational
Journey of this movie?

Todd learns the value of seizing the day by making each moment count.

Lead characters:

Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change)
and what makes this the right character to cause the change? The teacher
who loves teaching young men to think for themselves.
Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes
the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this
profound journey? Todd, who doubts himself at the beginning.
What is the Oppression? The school with its long
history valuing tradition over personal thinking, as shown in the opening
chants, and by the headmaster.

How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to
connect with this story? We are lured in by tentative Todd, who has
problems connecting with people and himself. But he does finally join the
cave group, and start to think for himself. We are also lured in by the
teacher’s innovative methods. What would I do in that situation? Ripping
up books, standing on desks, the group walking demonstrations. How would I
react in that situation?
Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the
profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their
old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion: Todd who doubts himself
does not doubt himself at the end but stands up for what he believes is
right, all while staying within the rules of society. Charley is DYING to
embrace the teacher’s methods, but he doesn’t really change as he was always
looking for a way to be a rebel.
What is the gradient the change? What steps did the Transformational
Character go through as they were changing? Todd joins the cave group but
doesn’t speak up. He’s afraid to do his poetry assignment but is pushed
into making upa poem from the heart on the spot by the teacher. He smiles
to achieve that. He is a young man who doesn’t get encouragement from home
and doesn’t believe in himself. At the end he does sign the paper condemning
the teacher because the teacher has told them there is a line not to
cross. But he gives the teacher a worthy goodbye and thankyou when he
stands on his desk.
How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that
cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?
Todd now knows that he can work within the system and still understand the
value of his own opinions as he demonstrates his respect for the teacher.
What are the most profound moments of the movie? When Oversteet
calls the girl and discovers she meant to call him. When Overstree kisses
the girl and later whne he takes her to the play. When Gale defies his
father and joins the play. When Gale LIES to the teacher and says he told
his father. When Gale kills himself. When Todd tells Gale that his parents
gave him another bdesk set and Gale helps him express his condemnation fo
their lack of sincerity by throwing the desk set off the roof. When Todd
stands on his desk out of respect for the teacher, prompting others to
join him. He has become so much in tune with his confidence in his own
self worth that in this moment he becomes a leader.
What are the most profound lines of the movie? Oh Captain my
Captain. Carpe Diem.
How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie? When Todd stands
up for the teacher. And the teacher sees that Todd now has the confidence
in himself to lead the others in an act of respect. It is a double whammy
as it shows Todd’s transformation, AND ALSO the teacher is proud to witness
it and know he has instilled that confidence in him. That is the best gift
Todd could have given his teacher, to know he has done his job with Todd.
What is the Profound Truth of this movie? You have to stand up for
what is right, not just out of an act of self-righteousness but to show to
yourself who you are.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s big M.I.S.

What I learned during this assignment? It was really interesting to see the MIS breakdowns of some great classic thrillers.

1. What are the conventions of your story?

Unwitting but
Resourceful Hero: Mia, an arctic biologist <div>

Dangerous
Villain: The cult with its evil queen.

High stakes:
They want to kill Mia

Life and death
situations: They send their head assassin to track and kill her.

This story is
thrilling because? We are trying to figure out along with Mia what this cult
is about and how she can stop it from coming after her.

2. Tell us the Big M.I.S. of your story?

Big Mystery:
What is the main mystery of your story that will keep us wondering
throughout the story? Why is Mia considered so dangerous to this cult? What is her connection? </div>

Big Intrigue:
What is the covert, clandestine, underhanded plot that will live under the
surface for most of the movie? Why has this cult formed and what secret do
they hope to protect?

Big Suspense:
What is the main danger to your Hero that will continue to escalate
throughout the script? Will Mia survive their assault when she doesn’t
even know who they are or why they’re after her?

<div>

</div>

[Mary Albanese]

What I learned in this lesson was how mystery, intrigue, and suspense not just combine but interweave to make a thriller thrilling.

In DIE HARD, our Unwitting but Resourceful Hero is NY cop John McClane, coming to see his wife in LA and cheesed off that she’s doing so well in her job.

The Dangerous Villain is Hans Gruber, the head of a murderous gang plotting a corporate heist of 600 million dollars from a vault which will involve killing numerous innocent bystanders.

High Stakes – John McClane must try to survive this pack of lethal killers in order to save his wife and the two-dozen hostages.

Life and Death Situations – the thieves kill the company’s top man in charge, Mr. Takagi, which places John’s wife Holly in the dangerous position as the new top person in charge. John must keep the killers from finding out that Holly is his wife. The highly organized and prepared thieves come after John with a coordinated attack using radios to hone in on him, aided by their massive machine guns, when all he has is a little pistol and no shoes. He must escape through vents and dangerous open elevator shafts as the bad guys blast away at him. Later even the FBI members shoot at him and he’s forced to jump off a 30-plus story building with nothing but a firehouse tied around his waste.

The movie is thrilling because as John becomes more bloody and exhausted from running barefoot on broken glass, his chances of beating the killers seems to be shrinking, even though he is slowly decreasing their numbers. We are dying for him to succeed as the more we know about the thieves, the more hideously awful they reveal themselves to be.

Big mystery- what tricks do these thieves have up their sleeve that John must face all alone with his little pistol.

Big suspense – will bleeding and limping John McClane stay alive long enough to defeat the bad guys and save his wife and the other hostages?

Anything else that makes this movie a great thriller? Yes! Not only was this a clever action story with increasing amounts of suspense, intrigue, danger, and betrayal, but it was also successful as a buddy movie with the budding friendship of John and his new pal AL. It also has a profound character transformation as John McClane goes from being angry at his wife for being successful to finally realizing that his wife was the “best thing that ever happened” to a “bum” like him. Basically, this film has it all as it lands on these points in a physical, emotional, and meaningful way.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese. I agree to the confidentiality agreement.

— Mary Albanese

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese – What I learned from this assignment is the key role of the betraying agent, who could change but doesn’t, reminding us that change is hard.

1. My transformational journey logline. “A NY girl facing a dull conventional future takes a dangerous journey of discovery to define herself as an arctic explorer.

2. Change agent. Dr. Stone allows her the chance to enter the program and try to prove herself but warns her of the dangers.

3. The Transformable character is Maggie, who leaves NY for Alaska to try to break into the world of scientific arctic exploration, something traditionally only done by men.

4. The Oppression includes the dangerous nature of the work, as constantly reminded by Brandon, the arrogant leader of several boys who undermines Maggie and reminds her that women don’t do this kind of work.

5. The betraying agent is Walter, who Maggy saves from freezing, yet he tells everybody in a way that makes it seem like Maggy’s fault and gets her into trouble.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s transformational journey.

What I learned in this lesson – sandwich your story between the bookends of old ways vs new ways, with the challenges and stages of transformation being the layers of your sandwich’s delicious contents.

1. Logline for the transformational journey. A NY girl facing a dull conventional future takes a dangerous journey of discovery to re-define herself as an arctic explorer.

2. Define the old ways – doesn’t want to be stuck in rural NY hitched to a dropout because he owns his own double wide trailer.

3. New Ways – she faces many trial and error challenges to ultimately take her place in the mostly man’s world of scientific arctic exploration.

NOTE: Regarding the GROUNDHOG DAY analysis, I realized that the gradient stages Phil makes — from denial, anger, bargaining, depression, becoming, to acceptance – are the stages of grief as defined by Kubler-Ross’s classic model.

[Mary Albanese]

Mary Albanese’s three big decisions.

What I learned this time – allow deeper thoughts to permeate to sink to deeper levels of your decisions.

My script’s profound truth – a special destiny awaits those who listen and dare to take steps towards it.

Change the audience makes – to realize there is a world of choices far greater than the conventional boxes that surround you.

Entertainment vehicle – embellished as it happens conflict/in a (pick a world) dangerous different world few people get to experience.

[Mary Albanese]

Subject: Mary Albanese’s Analysis of GROUNDHOG DAY

WHAT I LEARNED: I found the transformational steps (the gradient of change) the most interesting as these steps make up the bulk of the movie’s context and subtext.

We are looking at this movie from the perspective of the change that occurs for the lead character and the audience.

1. What is the CHANGE this movie is about? What is the Transformational
Journey of this movie?

Phil transforms from a selfish prima donna to a man who unselfishly gives to others. He goes from being concerned with status and fame to someone who is simply happy in the moment being with the woman he loves.

2. Lead characters:

Who is the Change Agent (the one causing the change)
and what makes this the right character to cause the change? RITA – she’s
the one that Phil realizes right from the start is special. But he
doesn’t dare let her know.
Who is the Transformable Character (the one who makes
the change) and what makes them the right character to deliver this
profound journey? Selfish Phill, obsessed with his status and position.
What is the Oppression? The time loop Phil finds
himself stuck in. <div>

3. How are we lured into the profound journey? What causes us to
connect with this story? The surprise of the time loop, and how Phil
handles being stuck in it.

4. Looking at the character(s) who are changed the most, what is the
profound journey? From “old ways” to “new way of being.” Identify their
old way: Identify their new way at the conclusion. Phil goes from being a
selfish jerk to someone who derives joy from helping others.

What is the gradient the change?

5. What steps did the Transformational
Character go through as they were changing?

A. Phil’s first step upon entering the new world is SHOCK at being stuck in the time loop.

B. Then he REALIZES that whatever he does has no consequences, so he lets his cruelty run wild.

C. Then he decides to use the time loop to his advantage and impress others, including a pretty woman.

D. But when he realizes that she isn’t the one he wants, he uses his time loop powers to try to trick the woman he does love – Rita – into loving him. But she sees through his tricks.

E. Hopelessness. Afraid to again be rebuffed by Rita he tries to kill himself in all kinds of different ways.

F. When that doesn’t work, he flips to another extreme and tries multiple acts of kindness, as if doing good deeds will make him deserving of escaping the time loop.

G. He finally lets go of his fear and tells Rita the truth in an honest way that she believes.

H. But it’s still not enough. He must not only tell Rita the truth but find joy and peace within himself just quietly embracing this great love he feels for her.

6. How is the “old way” challenged? What beliefs are challenged that
cause a main character to shift their perspective…and make the change?

At first, his celebrity and status is who he believes he is. It’s his identity. But all his old crankiness, and his new tricks do not release him from the time loop. It seems that he could be stuck in this time loop forever. There must be a way out, so he tries different strategies. After his destructive phase, he learns new skills to become a better person externally. But nothing works until he is transformed from within. Once he is transformed, he sheds his selfish ways like a snake shedding its skin and becomes is a new person who finds delight in kind and simple joys.

7. What are the most profound moments of the movie?

One is when he accidentally calls the woman he woos “Rita.” It is our first inkling that he cares about someone besides himself.

Another profound moment – when he admits to himself before a sleeping Rita that the first time he saw her, he felt something powerful stir inside him.

Rita says she could never love him because he only loves himself. He replies that isn’t true, because he doesn’t even like himself. This reveals that he is a man in crisis who doesn’t believe in himself.

Another profound moment is when he finally admits that he loves Rita.

Another is when he can’t save the old homeless man, because sometimes a person’s time is up. He can’t accept that – that he can’t make a difference, which spurs him harder into trying to make a difference.

8. What are the most profound lines of the movie?

“I don’t see any way out.” This is Phil expressing his hopelessness, which drives him to desperate and destructive acts.

“I don’t even like myself.” This is Phil revealing his feelings of unworthiness.

“The worst part is that tomorrow you will have forgotten all about this day and you’ll treat me like a jerk again. It’s okay. I am a jerk.” Again, a character who doesn’t believe he is worthy.

He can’t say it to her when she’s awake, but while she’s asleep he says: “The first time I saw you, you did something to me. But I couldn’t tell you.”

In the same way, he tells her that: “You are the kindest, sweetest, prettiest person I ever met in my life.” This is Phil’s early brush with vulnerability, but it is so hard for him to do it he can’t say it to her when she’s awake.

“I don’t deserve someone like you. But if I could, I’d never let you go for the rest of my life.”

Finally, he lets down his guard and becomes honest with her. And at last, he can not only admit his feelings but embrace them when he says: “No matter what happens tomorrow, I’m happy now because I love you.”

“Is there anything I can do for you today?” This is quite a different attitude than Phil’s extreme selfishness at the beginning of the film. It shows the extent of his change from selfishness to selflessness.

9. How does the ending payoff the setups of this movie?

Phil’s honesty and transformation have touched Rita so much that she falls in love with him, too. At the end he not only escapes the time loop, but they now have each other. AND he appreciates the simple joys of rural life so much that he suggests they move to po-dunk Pennsylvania permanently.

10. What is the Profound Truth of this movie?

If you live only for your own selfish needs, you will not grow or go anywhere (emotionally) and you will be stuck. It is only when you care for others and embrace your love for others that you can move forward and truly live.

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• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Mary Albanese.
• This reply was modified 2 years ago by  Mary Albanese.

[Mary Albanese]

I, Mary Albanese, as a member of this group, I agree to the following:

1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.

2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.

I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.

3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.

4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.

5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.

6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.

[Mary Albanese]

Hi! I am Mary Albanese.

I have written several feature scripts. You can see some of my shorts that we’ve shot at http://www.MaryAlbanese.com. I am a producer on the action feature THE LAST DEAL, listed in the NY Times in their top 5 action films currently streaming. In this class am hoping to add more polish to my writing skills.

Something unusual? In my first career I spent ten years as an exploration geologist in Alaska. I like stretching the boundaries whether it is mapping uncharted rock types or pushing my scripts to new heights/depths of the human experience.

[Mary Albanese]

Hi Rita. I didn’t get your email. I am marydalbanese@aol.com.
I am really enjoying this DOUBLE YOUR QUALITY class. Hal’s insights are amazing.
Now all I have to do is apply it all to my script in time for the Pitch group.
Cheers! – Mary

[Mary Albanese]

I posted mine in the Lesson 15 forum. I am pretty excited about the Pitch Sell Repeat class coming up. Kind of exciting there are three of us in this class doing the pitch class. I am using this class to get my horror script in shape to pitch. It is so much easier to write these exercise scenes (no pressure, no stress) than to re-write my horror script. I need to just jump in and do it, adding interest techniques and really focusing on the characters’ 4 main traits.

[Mary Albanese]

Hi Rita. I really liked your re-draft to QE3. I laughed out loud at the last line. I see you are doing the PITCH SELL REPEAT class again. I am very excited to be in that class. I love this one, too. Really great advice. If you want to chat outside of class, I am MaryDAlbanese@aol.com. Cheers! – Mary

[Mary Albanese]

Hi Rene,
The trick is to take a screenwritingU class that is LIVE. I’ve taken several regular online/forum classes from them and two LIVE classes, where Hal talks live on the zoom and you get to ask him questions directly. The LIVE classes are head and shoulders better than the regular “do your lessons on your own” classes. It’s the same material, but seeing him talk live on zoom and being able to ask questions makes it high energy and exciting. Also you get to ask your questions about problems with the system. Apparently, the system has been hacked lately, so they had to shut it down, reboot it, and lost some data. It wiped out lots of forum assignments people had posted. I signed up for this class because it said the assignments would be emailed to me. Then I found out that was a mistake. So I’m kind of stuck here trying to fight with their new online system. Cheers! – Mary