Rita Roberts
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Lesson 14: QE Cycle #3: Write this Scene
Rita's Nancy & Squire Scene – Draft 1
What I learned:
– There might be more traits in their actions than dialog. It turned into a scene without a lot of talking.
– Going through traits, more was added to the scene.
– I left it more concluded than a cliffhanger. Something to consider for the next draft.
– Attempting BAD as promised to Hal led to something I wouldn't normally write.LOGLINE: Nancy's evening hike turns to an attempt to team up with Squire and escape a horror he has caused.
ESSENCE: Conflicting goals — Squire wants to save the deer but Nancy wants to save herself and him.EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD – EVENING
Large, forested lots with log homes and three acres between them alongside a rushing creek. Nothing but wilderness past this new neighborhood built around old, miner's homesteads.NANCY (32) strolls uphill through her picturesque, mountain neighborhood. A fit woman in well-worn, outdoor clothing and a small backpack on a beautiful summer hike.
She turns past her neighbor's obscenely large log house towards a trailhead.She waves and fake smiles at SQUIRE (56) as he dumps feed on his gravel driveway. He wears a fuchsia golf shirt and white shorts, the picture of pudgy, early retirement, city transplant.
NANCY
Hey, you know it's not wise to feed the wildlife. I could report you to the Forest Service.SQUIRE
That's not very neighborly of you. Why don't you come in and enjoy the wildlife with me?He tilts his head toward the house with slanted smile and a wink.
NANCY
Just wait. They'll figure out your routine and you'll either have an encounter with an animal you don't want or a fine.SQUIRE
Sounds like a threat.NANCY
Nature doesn't issue threats.
(to herself)
Moron.A doe and her fawn leap across the creek after Squire returns to the house to watch them eat from his offering.
Nancy picks up the pace. A few yards up the trail, she stops to listen. Scans the surroundings.
NANCY
Dammit. Do I take a chance?She rubs her forehead as she considers. One last look back at the scene, she shakes her head and continues up the mountain.
EXT. TRAIL – DUSK
Nancy bounds downhill, sweaty and smiling, on return from her hike toward a small bridge behind Squire's house.A horrific wail penetrates the still evening.
A sound of distress no one has ever heard. Unrecognizable but clearly not human.
She hikes fast toward Squire's yard, then she sees it.
A mountain lion with massive paws and murderous intent in his eyes holds the doe to the ground by it's neck. His long, muscular tail stretches out to help keep her stationary.
Squire yells.
SQUIRE
Hey! Get out of here!He runs down his deck stairs banging a pot.
NANCY
Oh, god.She runs toward the scene. Stops.
NANCY
Shit.She looks around. Thick, thorny blackberry bushes everywhere. Only the mountain on her own or the idiot below.
Squire moves closer to the wild animals with his not-scary kitchenware.
The lion lets loose of the deer's punctured windpipe but keeps her pinned to the ground with his body. He eyes Squire and blows a puff of angered air out his flared nostrils.
The lion assesses his prey, still flailing with a gurgled moan but soon to suffocate with a punctured airway.
Squire bangs and waves his arms.
SQUIRE
Shoo. Leave her alone!NANCY
Shut up! Go back inside. Please!The lion spots her.
Now he stands.
SQUIRE
Yeah, go on. Get outta here.Nancy freezes.
NANCY
Please shut up, Squire.SQUIRE
He's got my doe.The doe struggles in a heartbreaking attempt to stand but she's too injured.
NANCY
It's not your doe, it's his dinner.Squire yells at the mountain lion. Another sound of distress that's barely human.
The big cat looks even bigger as he moves in slow motion closer to Squire. Now, it's a face off.
SQUIRE
Oh shit.He get it. Freezes.
NANCY
Finally.A rustle in the bushes catches all their attention.
The fawn bleats or brays, calls to it's mother.
The lion lifts it's nose in the fawn's direction.
Squire looses his cool. Bangs on the pot and charges.
SQUIRE
No you don't!NANCY
Oh, Jesus. Stop!The lion keeps his focus on the extra, tasty morsel in the bushes.
Bangs and yells continue.
Nancy heaves her backpack in the fawn’s direction. It takes off, a tempting chase.
The lion lunges toward the fawn.
Nancy makes a break for it.
She tears across the bridge, through the tall open grass of Squire's undeserved property, up his deck stairs.
NANCY
Come on, Squire! Get inside.She tugs on his shirt as she runs past but he only stumbles backward but stays put.
SQUIRE
It's just a helpless little fawn. How are you so heartless?The doe lies lifeless next to the pile of feed. The fawn was a quick and easy kill. Dinner and desert.
Squire's useless, noisy percussion continues.
The cat's ears lower as he stalks Squire.
SQUIRE
Oh my god!Nancy bangs a pair of tongs on the lid of Squire's spotless grill, like he ever cooks. Now she's the screamer.
And then… quiet.
The color drains from her face as her neighbor's head hits the bottom stair with the lion on his back.
Giant, sharp fangs sink into Squire's jugular as blood spirts out across the lion's head. He closes one eye and waits.
There's that same horrific wail. Like no one has ever heard before, now from Squire's mouth but much more brief.
The lion drags Squire's limp body, reduced to meat, to the creek, head first into the shallow water and leaves it there.
In shock, Nancy just watches.
The lion returns for the doe. Drags her all the way across the creek into the brambles.
He rips into the fawn. A quick appetizer before the feast.
Nancy collapses onto the redwood boards of the deck and wails. A very human sound of horror and grief.
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Rita’s Max Interest 2
Opening setup with new character traits, a dark streak added.
What I learned:
– It’s a very different tone from my original version. Funny-ish in a darker way. Added elements set up more of the unfolding story. Next scene might be cut.
-All this showing same story can be written multiple ways.
-A future scene is also going to get dark, based on these changes.
-I can pack a lot of ITs into one scene.Essence: Dawn’s life as a professor is professionally unfulfilling and personally challenging. She is undervalued in her position except for one devoted student she doesn’t indulge and another one who lightens the mood.
LOGLINE for scene: A disrespected psychology professor is rudely interrupted as she wraps up her last class of the semester.
Interest techniques:
1. Hook — what’s with the office guy interrupting with painters plus they have some sort of history.
2,3. Anticipatory Dialogue & Predictions — “I’m going to patch up holes and paint over some demons.” and Zak offers to help.
4. Mystery — “This won’t take long. He’s proven that plenty.”
5, 6, 7. Surprise & Twist & Cliffhanger (mild) — 1st page ends on a paint ladder banging through her lecture hall door to interrupt her class. Makes a reader turn the page and finish the scene.
8. Uncomfortable moment — Dawn’s weird response to sage makes the whole class actually listen because it’s confusing. It makes Sage suspicious.
9. Creating a future — Something will be happening with all these characters and painters.
10. Set up for future surprise — we meet Curtis’s wife later.INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM – MORNING
Tiered lecture hall with a few fidgety, unenthused students. A large diagram hangs on the wall — psych meds and a brain.DAWN (30s) scans her less than rapt audience. A small woman in shapeless professor garb, the youthful apathy in this room nearly swallows her.
A young couple makes out, smack in the middle of the rows.
Dawn fast-balls a wad of paper at them.
DAWN
It’s not summer yet, lovebirds.They barely flinch.
Suit and tie, office guy, CURTIS (40s) slithers through double doors to sit in the back row.
Dawn’s eyes narrow and her lips tighten into a strict line.
SAGE (21) front row, readies her pen as a studious annoyance to most of the room.
SAGE
What will you be reading this summer Ms Dawn?DAWN
I’m going to patch up holes and paint over some demons.Dawn squints at Curtis as she says this.
Confused, furrowed brows fill the room in an attempt to analyze her response. Even the lovebirds pause to ponder that one.
Sage turns to see who gets hit by her professor’s nasty glare.
ZAK (21) who looks more like a bronzed surfer than a psychology student volunteers.
ZAK
Need any help? I’m good with a paintbrush. And a hammer.SMARTASS in the back pipes up.
SMARTASS
Good at getting hammered.The door BANGS into a wall, pushed open by the padded end of an extension ladder.
Curtis jumps up to hold the door open.
CURTIS
Just in time. Come on in.DAWN
Excuse me! As noted, it’s not summer yet.Dawn’s timer chimes.
CURTIS
It is now.The class bounds out, free at last, but Zak barrels down the steps toward Dawn like a happy puppy.
Zak’s infectious joy can’t derail the daggers in Dawn’s scowl.
DAWN
Hang on, Zak. This won’t take long. He’s proven that plenty.Sage frowns, a suspicious glance at the teacher/student/office guy exchange. She slips out the side exit.
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This reply was modified 1 day, 23 hours ago by Rita Roberts.
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This reply was modified 1 day, 23 hours ago by
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Rita’s Challenging Situations
What I learned:
Breaking down these techniques into steps is really helpful to gradually shift gears in my perception of a scene.
There will be an added challenge — adding more interest techniques while attempting to reduce page count.
I wonder how page count will look when I’ve mastered interest techniques so they’re baked in.SCENE 1:
Current Scene Logline: In a post-war future humanity lives harmoniously, they celebrate the new season, new moon in Aires.
B. Essence: We’re still the same but with better, life-affirming choices, attuned with natural rhythms.
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges
The fruit vendor has a crush on Sol but she’s into Dawson = awkward.
Lucy trips and drops her bowl on a child’s head
Girls complain about their parents’ lingering hangups from traumas of the war.
So much abundance makes it hard for girls to choose and who to talk to — comedic excess.D. Quick summary of how I’ll write the scene differently with the new challenge.
A combo of 1 & 2, maybe more than one man crushing on the girls to show the contrast between today’s environment of worry and competition to the challenges of excessive goodness.SCENE 2:
Current Scene Logline: Four young explorers crack the code on an abandoned, underground base only to find… a dead body.
B. Essence: Victory! They opened the vault. Fear and Questions — are they not alone?
C. Brainstorm list of possible challenges
Other potential threats — mysterious sounds, unexplored caverns, loss of oxygen
2 of them want to go back, mission is at risk
Some kind of oozing liquid that might be toxic
Light source they have to investigate — is it energy or deadly laser?D. Quick summary of how I’ll write the scene differently with the new challenge.
More than the dead boy and how long has it been there and what killed the guy, add more potential threats and reactions to them. Not only fear for the characters’ well-being but for their mission to find answers. -
Rita’s Full-out Characters
What I learned:
I’m not clear enough yet about the story or the characters.
These assignments will help get clear.
In a writing assignment or writing from producer’s notes if their vision is different than mine… it’s definitely a needed skill to immerse myself in someone else’s vision. And then, if I enhance it, will they like my changes or additions?[CURRENT]
SALLY
DESCRIPTION: Sally is a leader, everyone want to be around her, she’s a bridge who connects ideas and people, extremely curious but doesn’t want to disappoint anyone.
TRAITS: Leader, Curious, Adventurous, Charming
SUBTEXT: Sometimes impulsive, and pushes too far.
Lulu
DESCRIPTION: Lulu is the quiet thinker who is sometimes misunderstood because she doesn’t show her feelings.
TRAITS: intellectual, independent, hides emotion, aloof
SUBTEXT: Lonely except for her long friendship with Sally.
DAN
DESCRIPTION: Dan is a feeling person who connects deeply but is also too shy to initiate contact.
TRAITS: empathetic, intuitive, nervous, shy
SUBTEXT: Dan longs to be with Sally, she naturally expresses what he lacks, but he’s shy and she’s oblivious.
[REVISED]
1. SALLYDESCRIPTION: Sally is a leader, everyone want to be around her, she’s a bridge who connects ideas and people, extremely curious which leads her to ask personal, embarrassing questions. She’s impatient with other peoples’ reticence.
TRAITS: Leader, Curious, Adventurous, Overbearing
SUBTEXT: Sally’s impulsive actions and excessive demands cause her friends to abandon her on their exploratory adventure.
2. LULU
DESCRIPTION: Lulu is the quiet thinker who is sometimes misunderstood because she doesn’t show her feelings. She often ignores people because she’s lost in thought, which offends them.
TRAITS: intellectual, independent, aloof, arrogant
SUBTEXT: Her long friendship with Sally gets Lulu front row seats to all the attention Sally gets and builds her lonely resentment.
3. DAN
DESCRIPTION: Dan continuously sets up situations for Sally to get that he likes her but she’s too distracted by the attention of others. He plots to get Sally alone on their adventure but it nearly kills her when she tumbles down the mountain.
TRAITS: empathetic, intuitive, nervous, shy
SUBTEXT: Dan’s shy and nervous traits hold everyone back, not just himself.
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Rita's QE Cycle 2 – Scene 2
What I learned:
-It's very useful to focus on traits for the first draft, then build in more depth with interest techniques on subsequent passes.-It doesn't actually take a lot of words or set up too add the interest techniques. Just a few twists, here and there.
-Not double quality but improved.
-The video critique gave me ideas which made me aware that I understand the ITs a little more at this stage.
-I'm not sure if my way of using subtext and implication makes the intentions of the characters and the scene clear to other people.
LOGLINE: When John repairs the rotted boards on the church alter, he discovers Pastor Nick's secret dealings.
ESSENCE: No "good deed" goes unpunished.
INT. CHAPEL – DAY
JOHN (30s) assesses a panel of water damage on the church's ornately carved alter. Carpenter's equipment lays neatly on a tarp. He buckles his tool belt and kneels with crowbar ready to go.NICK (50s) stands behind him to watch. He adjust the little rectangle of a white collar on his black shirt.
John stops mid-pry of a warped board to look over his shoulder.
JOHN
This is gonna take a while. Don't let me keep you from your duties.Nick moves to the alter and takes the communion chalice out of its gold and glass case.
NICK
I was just… this needs to be washed before Sunday. Will you be done by then?John lays the crowbar back in its place in the row of tools. He stands tall and strong next to a smaller Nick with his far less physical vocation.
JOHN
Depends.NICK
I mean, it's a big job for one person. Do you have a helper coming?JOHN
Nope. Just me. Do you have a helper?Nick points to bloody, broken body of Christ on the cross.
NICK
Just the big guy.John rolls his eyes and opts for a less quiet sawzall.
JOHN
I work fast.NICK
I still see your mom on Sundays, but not you.JOHN
Correct. I am fully aware of your method of redeeming souls.Nick disappears into his office, adjacent to the alter while John measures his first cuts.
Nick returns with a pamphlet. Offers it to John.
NICK
Mens' group meets on Thursdays.John makes direct eye contact with Nick, expressionless. He flips the switch on his saw as his answer. The amplified space built for acoustics fills with a loud, electric whine.
NICK
(yells)
Oh my god! You're cutting that out?Nick sighs and turns the saw off.
JOHN
Unless you'd prefer I cut out something else, then yeah, I am.NICK
Can't you just sand it or re-carve it or something? It's just that…Nick paces and manages to put himself between John and the moulding he was hired to replace.
John stands back to take in this behavior. His scrutiny turns up a notch with "keen observer" written all over his furrowed brow.
NICK
I mean, this wall has been here since 1892. And you're just going to… expose it?JOHN
That's the plan.Nick quickly shuts his office door, next to John's work area.
He rearranges everything that isn't out of place. Open bibles, candlesticks, all the pristine, churchy stuff. It's a beginner's class in misdirection tactics.
John flips the Bible's oversized pages to a random passage and taps on the pulpit, as if to challenge Nick.
Nick pretends not to notice.
NICK
The ladies' guild will be here any minute and they're not going to like all the noise.John sweeps his hand toward a staircase.
JOHN
Probably much quieter down there. The board hired me, this is the day they scheduled.John turns back toward his work.
Nick grabs the flannel of John's work shirt.
NICK
The board didn't run this by me.He stops. Backs up due to the look John gives him — not a guy who likes the laying on of hands.
Nick raises the sawzall, reminiscent of a weapon and turns it back on, defiant.
JOHN
(over the noise)
I guess the "big guy" okayed it. Isn't that what you used to say?He slides the buzzing saw through the old wood.
Nick darts around the alter, moves close to John's hulking back, reaches… thinks better of it.
He turns a circle, looks at the door. He might bolt.
John cuts a big hole outside the perimeter of waterlogged wood. Just doing his job.
Sweat drips off Nick's untanned forehead. He tugs at his choking collar. Fidgety is an understatement.
The saw noise reverberates through the chapel like four hundred dental drills boring into his brain.
He makes a break for it and sprints down middle aisle's red carpet.
A shaft of light emblazons the last twenty feet as the front door opens.
Five older women file in, block the door with confusion and worry, hit with noise and their beloved priest barreling toward them.
They form a defensive line far too formidable for this puny, powder-puff tight end.
He's trapped.
The saw noise stops.
Up at the alter, another shaft of light shines through the new opening in the wall shared with Nick's office.
John reaches into the hole.
JOHN
Hello, ladies.He stands and holds up two bricks of… puff powder.
Nick hides his face in his hands and darts through the side door.
NICK
Party's over, Sheila. I guess Junior doesn't get his operation after all.Four of the women look at the other, presumably SHEILA. She shrinks by six inches.
The cry room is most appropriate for both of them.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Rita Roberts.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by
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Rita's QE Cycle #2 – First Draft
What I learned:
-I think I missed Nick's positive trait of giving. Something for the rewrite. Also more on confident may be needed.
-The action and dialog tend to flow, or stay terse in John's case, keeping all the traits in mind. It's like I put it into an AI program in my brain or the collective field and out comes the scene.
-The info revealed itself at the end due to the traits.LOGLINE: When John repairs the rotted boards on the church alter, he discovers Pastor Nick's dirty secrets.
ESSENCE: John's just there to use his carpentry skills but his distrust kicks in when Nick reveals some shady behaviors. He takes daring steps to expose this imposter.INT. CHAPEL – DAY
JOHN (30s) assesses a panel of water damage on the church's ornately carved alter. Carpenter's equipment lays neatly on a tarp. He buckles his tool belt and kneels with crowbar ready to go.
NICK (50s) stands behind him to watch. He adjust the little rectangle of a white collar on his black shirt.
John stops mid-pry of a warped board to look over his shoulder.
JOHN
This is gonna take a while, don't let me keep you from your duties.
Nick moves to the alter and takes the communion chalice out of its gold and glass case.
NICK
I was just… this needs to be washed before Sunday. Will you be done by then?
He lays the crowbar back in its place in the row of tools. He stands tall and strong next to a smaller Nick with his far less physical vocation.
JOHN
Depends.
NICK
I mean, it's a big job for one person. Do you have a helper coming?
JOHN
Nope. Just me. Do you have a helper?
Nick points to bloody, broken body of Christ on the cross.
NICK
Just the big guy.
John opts for a less quiet sawzall.
JOHN
I work fast.
He flips the switch to fill the amplified space built for acoustics with a loud, electric whine.
NICK
(yells)
Oh my god! You're cutting that out?
Nick sighs and turns the saw off.
JOHN
Unless you'd prefer to cut out something else, yeah. I am.
NICK
It's just that…
Nick paces and manages to put himself between John and the moulding he was hired to replace.
John stands back to take in this behavior. His scrutiny turns up a notch with "keen observer" written all over his furrowed brow.
NICK
I mean, this wall has been here since 1892. And you're just going to… open it up?
JOHN
That's the plan.
Nick rearranges everything that isn't out of place. Open bibles, candlesticks, all the pristine, churchy stuff. It's a beginner's class in misdirection tactics.
John turns a page on the big Bible on the pulpit. As if to challenge Nick.
Nick pretends not to notice.
NICK
The ladies' guild will be here in an hour and they're not going to like all the noise.
John sweeps his hand toward staircase.
JOHN
Probably much quieter down there. The board hired me, this is the day they scheduled.
John turns back toward his work.
Nick grabs the flannel of John's work shirt.
NICK
The board didn't run this by me.
He stops. Backs up due to the look John gives him — not a guy who likes the laying on of hands.
Nick raises the sawzall, reminiscent of a weapon and turns it back on, defiant.
JOHN
(over the noise)
I guess the "big guy" okayed it.
He slides the buzzing saw through the old wood.
Nick darts around the alter, moves close to John's hulking back, reaches… thinks better of it.
He turns a circle, looks at the door. Looks like he might bolt.
John cuts a big hole outside the perimeter of waterlogged wood. Just doing his job.
Sweat drips off Nick's untanned forehead. He tugs at his choking collar. Fidgety is an understatement.
The saw noise reverberates through the chapel like four hundred dental drills boring into his brain.
He makes a break for it and sprints down middle aisle's red carpet.
A shaft of light emblazons twenty feet as the front door opens.
Five older women file in, block the door with confusion and worry, hit with noise and their beloved priest barreling toward them.
They form a defensive line far too formidable for this puny, puff-powder tight end.
He's trapped.
The saw noise stops.
Up at the alter, John reaches into the hole.
JOHN
Hello, ladies.
He stands and holds up two bricks of… puff powder.
Nick hides his face in his hands and darts through the side door.
The cry room is most appropriate. -
Rita's Exchange with Mary's FIRST QE SCENE – SECOND DRAFT
I went about the feedback a little differently…Well done! I added the traits and QE techniques I found in parentheses. I'm not sure you even need the poison part. I think there's enough intrigue and switch ups already. Good use of subtext to show the traits.
INT. SWANKY RESTERAUNT – NIGHT
The law firm hosts their annual Christmas party. People speak in excited but hushed whispers.SECRETARY
Smith left the firm with no warning? They’ll have to pick a new senior partner. Who will it be?Who, indeed. As people wonder, they steal discrete looks at the man standing alone in the center of the room in the immaculate Armani suit, TRENT. (meticulous, uses others' money to look rich)
One man cuts through the crowd towards Trent. This is new-hire ROBERT, who charms people with jokes and pats them on the back as he weaves his way to Trent. Once he gets there: (gregarious)
ROBERT
See how they’re looking at you? You’ve got it in the bag, Trent. And everyone here knows it. (gossip)TRENT
I told you, Robert. You were a wise man to agree to be my assistant. I go up the ladder, you go with me. (aggressive, needy)ROBERT
Exactly, boss. Why flub up cases on my own when I can learn so much from shadowing a brilliant mind like yours? (smooth)TRENT
Just don’t forget to get my deposit back from the rental place when you tell them the suit didn’t fit me. (uses others' to look rich)ROBERT
See? I’m learning so much already. Let’s toast. To success! (smooth, gregarious)Robert grabs a champagne goblet from a waiter. Robert stumbles.
TRENT
Don’t be a klutz. That reflects badly on me. (meticulous, aggressive)ROBERT
Sorry, boss. Just my stupid trick knee again.Robert hunches over the drink, his back to Trent. Is Robert messing with the champagne? (suspense, mystery, intrigue)
Robert hands Trent the champagne. Grabs another goblet from a waiter for himself.
ROBERT
Here’s to the best man making partner!They clink glasses and drink. Trent scowls at the taste.
ROBERT
You’re right — it tastes like cheap stuff. Hey, I know where they keep the good stuff. Come on, let’s go! You know you deserve it. (Sneaky, was that one of the traits?)Trent nods, pleased. He follows Robert down a long corridor. To a dark back room. Robert holds the door open for Trent. (intrigue)
ROBERT
After you, boss.Trent stumbles into the dark room. He grabs a bottle from the shelf.
Robert follows him in and flips a switch. Behind Robert’s back… is that some kind of stick? (suspense)
INT. BACK ROOM – NIGHT
Trent sees the bottle he holds isn’t wine, it’s rat poison. This is no wine storage room, the room’s lined with large bins of medical waste. (shock)Trent YELPS as he drops the bottle.
TRENT
Where are we? I’m so dizzy…Robert moves towards Trent. It’s not a stick he holds, it’s a BASEBALL BAT. (sudden shift)
TRENT
Robert? Dammit, you tell me what’s going on right now!ROBERT
You thought you were so smart, making me do your dirty work to force Smith out. Making me do ALL your work. Did you actually think I LIKE being your step-and-fetch-it boy? Just because my L-SAT scores were lower than yours? (insecure)TRENT
I’ve been helping you. You’re barely qualified to…ROBERT
Wrong! I have the same degree as you. And you pride yourself on knowing all the facts. But here’s one fact you missed – I have learned so much from you — about getting rid of the competition.Trent struggles to remain upright. He GASPS at the medical waste bins in horror.
TRENT
You… drugged me? And now you want to…Robert smiles like the Mona Lisa as he closes in, his bat held high.
TRENT
No, please! I can’t handle pain. I’m begging you. I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t hurt me. (needy)Robert WHACKS the bat down…
And SMACKS HIMSELF in the face! (whoa, surprise reverse!)
TRENT
What the hell?ROBERT
(wailing)
Please, boss-man. Don’t hit me! Don’t destroy me like you destroyed Smith! (gossip to bring people down)Robert LAUGHS, then SMACKS himself again, a wicked bruise already forming on his face.
TRENT
Wait! Stop! I’m not… I didn’t…ROBERT
Of course, you did. Your plot forced Smith out. It was cleanly crafted. And brutal. But since I knew — and you like things neat and tidy — you had to get rid of me, too. Even though everyone knows how much I’ve worshipped you.Robert WHACKS his own face again. He looks like a punching bag.
TRENT
You’re insane.ROBERT
Am I? This time, I won’t even have to say anything! With all the clues I’ve dropped, once they see my face, they’ll all “know” what you did!TRENT
No! You can’t do that! I’ll be finished!ROBERT
And I will get the sympathy vote. They’ll promote ME to partner. I’ve been a victim my whole life — it’s time for me to finally get mine! (insecure)TRENT
Oh, God, I’m going to be sick. My job. My career. I’ll be ruined! But please, just don’t hurt me. Tell me you’re not going to hurt me.ROBERT
Yeah, I can’t afford to.Robert heads for the door.
TRENT
(whispers)
Thank you, Jesus.ROBERT
At least, not where it shows.Robert FLINGS the bat at Trent’s legs. It SMASHES Trent’s knees — he buckles and falls.
ROBERT
HELP! Trent’s gone crazy and attacked me!Robert RUSHES out. Leaving Trent in a pathetic, sobbing heap.
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Rita's Double Quality – QE scene
EXT. CIRCUS TENT – NIGHT
ROBERT (40s) talks to a girl — too young of a girl — in this small town, county fair dirt-patch. His faded, red ringmaster jacket blends in with the red stripe on the tent.The girl giggles and pulls off a strand of cotton candy from the puffy swirl on a stick.
Robert rubs a sticky pink remnant off her lip with his thumb.
He moves in for a kiss.
TRENT (50s) flings open the tent flap opening which hits Robert and knocks off his tall hat.
It hits the cotton candy and both land in the weedy dirt.
Robert looks at it without any move to retrieve it.
ROBERT
It was time for a new hat anyway. Throw in a decent jacket while you're at it, this one's getting frayed.The girl backs up, now that the tent's interior spotlight shines on Robert's receding hairline.
Trent moves between them and turns his back to the girl, way deep in Robert's personal space. His own crisp linen shirt contrasts Robert's shabby circus costume.
TRENT
Jailbait isn't going to pay for a new hat.He picks up the hat and plucks twiggy leaves off of it. Shoves it into Robert's chest.
ROBERT
All charm tonight, aren't you. Perhaps I can find you after I finish with —He motions toward the nameless girl.
TRENT
Let's go.He holds open the tent flap and waves Robert in, fake deferential.
Robert leans in, as if to tell a secret, but Trent shoves him inside.
INT. CIRCUS TENT – NIGHT
Robert heads toward a laughing huddle of clowns who share a bottle of whiskey.Robert waves. The laughter stops.
Robert pretends to swat at a fly but casts a worried glance at a clown who stood up, somehow menacing despite the face-paint smile.
Trent guides him behind past growling lions in their cage.
TRENT
I've got a surprise for you.
(off Robert's look)
No, it doesn't involve a trapeze artist.Robert follows reluctantly all the way through, past the last of the three rings, into an adjoining office trailer.
INT. TRENT'S TRAILER – CONTINUOUS
Robert's eyes go wide, it's like he stepped through a teleportation portal, into a city stock-broker's fancy digs.Trent pours a drink. Just one.
Robert fondles a smooth brass paperweight.
ROBERT
No wonder you never let anyone in here. This can't be all circus money.
(bows)
I humbly request to get in on whatever your side-hustle is. You can tell me.Trent smiles. Sips his drink.
He holds his palm up for Robert to hand over the paperweight.
Robert obliges.
Trent smashes the heavy metal into Roberts temple.
Robert stumbles, literally sideswiped.
Trent pulls Robert's decorative hanky from his pocket to wipe the blood off the paperweight. He shines it up and sets it back on his desk. Shifts it to just the right angle.
Robert, still in shock, touches the now gushing head wound.
Trent holds out the hanky.
TRENT
Before you drip on my carpet.Robert regains some sense of self-preservation and lunges for the door.
Trent grabs Robert's long coat-tails, drags him across the floor leaving a trail of blood.
ROBERT
Is this about the kerfuffle in the last town? That wasn't me, I swear! You see how the clowns talk.Trent kicks him in the ribs.
TRENT
See what you did to my carpet? That's coming out of your paycheck.Roberts gasps for air.
Trent drops a crystal ball on Robert's knee. Robert screams.
TRENT
Oopsie. Let's see…He stops it rolling with his foot and peers into it.
TRENT
It shows you lying in a ditch sometime in the near future. Tsk. You gotta be more careful.Robert scoots away from him.
ROBERT
I heard that new ferris wheel guy was going to cause a short and shut it down, maybe start a fire to really gut your whole operation.Trent picks up the crystal ball and tosses it between his hands. He moves closer to Robert's head.
Robert covers his skull in the fetal position.
ROBERT
Okay! I'll make it right.Trent leans in closer.
TRENT
What's that? So it wasn't the clowns?ROBERT
I don't know who started it — AAACCHHGG!Lions ROAR outside in response to Robert's misery… or the smell of blood.
Trent shoves the bloody hanky into Robert's mouth, kicks him a few more times and bashes his head into the closed door.
Opens it then tosses him out.
He lands in front of a dwarf who shakes his head and hops over Robert's mangled body.
DWARF
I'd stay away from the clowns if I were you.He rifles through Robert's pockets, pulls out a wad of bills. Smiles.
Trent, from his trailer entrance, tosses Robert's hat into the dirt next to him.
ROBERT
Looks like he got too close to the elephants.The dwarf pulls out a single dollar and drops it onto Robert.
DWARF
You should really buy a new hat, as the frontman here, you gotta keep up appearances. You know?He stomps Robert's hat.
Robert moans.
The Dwarf climbs the metal stairs and hands the rest of the money to Trent, looks up at his boss, expectantly.
Trent laughs and slams the trailer door.
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Rita's Cycle #1 Scene
EXT. CIRCUS TENT – NIGHT
ROBERT (40s) talks to a girl — too young of a girl — in this small town, county fair dirt patch. His faded, red ringmaster jacket blends in with the red stripe on the tent.
The girl giggles and pulls of a strand of cotton candy from the puffy swirl on a stick.
Robert rubs a sticky pink remnant off her lip.
He moves in closer.
TRENT (50s) flings open the tent flap opening which hits Robert and knocks off his tall hat.
It hits the cotton candy and both land in the weedy dirt.
Robert looks at it without reaction or any move to retrieve it.
ROBERT
Well then. It was time for a new hat anyway. Throw in a decent jacket while you're at it, this one's getting frayed.
The girl backs up, now that the tent's interior spotlight shines on Robert's receding hairline.
Trent moves between them and turns his back to the girl, way deep in Robert's personal space. His own crisp linen shirt contrasts Robert's shabby circus costume.
TRENT
Jailbait isn't going to pay for a new hat.
He picks up the hat and plucks twiggy leaves off of it. Shoves it into Robert's chest.
ROBERT
All charm tonight, aren't you. Perhaps I can find you after I finish with —
He motions toward the nameless girl.
TRENT
Let's go.
He holds open the tent flap and waves Robert in, fake deferential. He shoves Robert before another protest.
INT. CIRCUS TENT – NIGHT
Robert heads toward a huddle of clowns but Trent stops him.
TRENT
I've got a surprise for you.
(off Robert's look)
No, it doesn't involve a trapeze artist.
Robert follows reluctantly all the way through, past the lions and into the adjoining office trailer.
INT. TRENT'S TRAILER – CONTINUOUS
Inside, Trent pours a drink. The trailer is like stepping through a teleportation portal, into a city stock-broker's well-appointed digs.
Robert's eyes go wide. He fondles a smooth brass paperweight.
ROBERT
No wonder you never let anyone in here. This can't be all circus money.
(bows)
I humbly request to get in on whatever your side-hustle is.
Trent smiles. Sips his drink.
He holds his palm up for Robert to hand over the paperweight.
Robert obliges.
Trent smashes the heavy metal into Roberts temple.
Robert stumbles, completely and literally sideswiped.
Trent pulls Robert's decorative hanky from his pocket to wipe the blood off the paperweight. He shines it up ans sets it back on his desk. Shifts it to just the right angle.
Robert, still in shock, touches the now gushing head wound.
Trent holds out the hanky.
TRENT
Before you drip on my carpet.
Robert regains some sense of self-preservation and lunges for the door.
Trent grabs Robert's long coat-tails, drags him across the floor leaving a trail of blood.
ROBERT
Is this about the kerfuffle in the last town? That wasn't me, I swear! You see how the clowns talk.
Trent kicks him in the ribs.
TRENT
See what you did to my carpet? That's coming out of your paycheck.
Roberts gasps for air.
Trent drops a crystal ball on Robert's knee. Robert screams.
TRENT
Oopsie. Let's see…
He stops it rolling with his foot and peers into it.
TRENT
It shows you lying in a ditch sometime in the near future. Tsk Tsk. You gotta be more careful.
Robert scoots away from him.
ROBERT
I get the message. I'll make it right.
TRENT
What's that? So it wasn't the clowns?
ROBERT
I don't know who started it — AAACCHHGG!
Trent shoves the bloody hanky into Robert's mouth kicks him a few more times and throws bashes his head into the closed door.
Opens it then tosses him out.
He lands in front of a dwarf who shakes his head and hops over Robert's mangled body.
DWARF
I'd stay away from the clowns if I were you. -
Rita’s Max Interest Part 1
What I learned: It’s still boring by my standards. This is a rewrite. It’s hard to stay true to another writer’s (bland) vision but I’m just getting to know the characters so I can make them more interesting as I go. Then I’ll return to earlier scenes and make them act according to their profiles. At the moment, I’m not sure how far I can go with additional interest techniques, at least for this scene.
LOGLINE: Lucy finds out that everybody has known the plan and she’s the last to find out.
ESSENCE: 4 friends are planning a harrowing adventure that no one has ever done successfully. Lucy is the holdout but they need her skills if they want to come back alive.
Suspense
UncertaintyEXT. SHOOTING RANGE – DAY
ABE (25) short, quick on his feet, he moves like a water-bug, an expressive protector.
He aims at a circular target in the distance.
DAWSON (21) tall, golden skin and a quiet demeanor. He takes a wide stance with a confident certainty as he pulls the trigger of his .45.
ABE
How'd you do?
DAWSON
Not bad. Haven't practiced much.
Abe taps Dawson, points to Sol and Lucy as they approach.
Dawson trains the gun on them, closes one eye.
Abe smacks Dawson harder, pushes him off balance to disarm the bad joke.
ABE
Sol! Lucy! Did you catch the first crescent?
He hugs both young women.
SOL
Yes, Happy Aires.
DAWSON
Oh, Nice! Happy Aires.
He twirls his gun like an old western sharp-shooter. Then eyes the situation with the girls.
DAWSON
Soooo, did you two have a chat?
LUCY
You guys have been in on this for some time, haven't you?!
Abe plays dumb. Reloads his gun.ABE
Don't know what you're talking about. We're just doing target practice for no particular reason whatsoever.
LUCY
Dawson?
ABE
Oh, you'll believe the guy who just pointed his gun at you?
DAWSON
Hey, totally empty chamber. I unloaded all the ammo right into that bullseye. Jealous much?
Abe grabs Dawson in a headlock. Dawson reverses in a master wrestling move.
Abe ends up on his knees, avoiding a full take-down.Sol sighs, the epitome of female maturity.
SOL
Can we please… ?
Lucy crosses her arms. Waits.
The guys pause in their scrap.
ABE
Okay, not that long, but we knew we needed a solid plan to convince you. Are you in?
She throws up her arms and turns an exasperated circle.
Sol smiles knowing what the answer will be. Eventually.
DAWSON
See, I told you she'd be the holdout.
LUCY
What am I gonna do? Stay home while my best friends discover the far reaches of reality?
Shocked silence. The boys cheer and high-five. More hugs.
DAWSON
That was faster than expected.
ABE
I knew you would. Never doubted.
It's Dawson's turn to punch Abe.
Sol gets between them to stop another testosterone brawl.
SOL
Let's meet at my place tonight to go through the details. My mom will have dinner for us.
At the sound of Sol's parents Lucy gives a look.
LUCY
Did they help with this plan too?
SOL
No comment.
LUCY
Geeez, everyone is in on it.
Abe puts his arm around Lucy's shoulder.
ABE
We love our homebody. You're the lifeline to these lunatics.
Dawson smacks the back of his head.
Sol picks up the .22 and fires 4 shots dead center while the boys go at it again.
She hands the gun to Lucy who shoots with the same precision.
SOL
We got your back.
LUCY
Sure nothing at all to worry about.
Lucy rolls her eyes and shakes her head, not fully convinced.
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Hi everyone,
I have 4 feature scripts which I began marketing a week ago with Hal. So far, 4 different requests from 4 producers.I am beginning a rewrite of a script in preproduction so I’m taking this class to assist in that process.
An astrologer friend says that I have strong traits for editing in my chart but I’m also a walking contradiction so we’ll see which qualities win out.
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Rita Puts Essence to Work
What I learned is… maybe I’m delusional but I think my art and portrait painting has tuned me into capturing essence. Happy to go even deeper.Script I choose: SOURCE
Scene 1 Location: Opening scene
Logline: Sol is born right at the end of the Great War. (meaning present day)
Essence I’ve discovered: Parents connect with their baby born with the sun as a terrible war ends. It symbolizes the new life being brought to the world.
New Logline: Sol is born, naturally and with confidence into a world about to learn its own natural wisdom.Scene 2 Location: before Inciting Incident
Logline: The rules of this post-war world are laid out.
Essence I’ve discovered: Two young adult friends have grown up together knowing how the calendar and natural world truly works.
New Logline: Knowledge is great and worries are few when you understand how the world actually works.Scene 3 Location: Next scene
Logline: Sol was born into a world of chaos.
Essence I’ve discovered: Relocating this sequence to highlight the difference that Sol has lived to what her parents experienced.
New Logline: The old world stood in stark contrast to the peace of Sol’s life.Scene 4 Location: Status quo set up
Logline: Sol and Lucy celebrate the new year with fruit bowls at a street fair.
Essence I’ve discovered: The post-war world has similarities to ours but there are hints of differences.
New Logline: Shared knowledge and connection to earth are the norm and bring a pride in nourishing creations.Scene 5 Location: Set up for inciting incident
Logline: Sol proposes their exploration outside the realm.
Essence I’ve discovered: Sol is the scientific explorer, Lucy likes living in her water skills. They have two male friends that needed to be introduced here as integral to the story.
NewLogline: 4 young explorers will bring greater knowledge of the world where we live… by going under water? -
Rita Finds the Essence
What I learned is: This script is a master class of riveting conversation, character development and emotion mixed with comedy. Every scene has impact.Script I choose: LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Scene 1 Location: Large portion of Act 1 and inciting incident.
Logline: The Harvey family sits down for quick “dinner” of bucket chicken with a new addition, Uncle Frank, just released from the hospital after a suicide attempt.
Essence: The entire family is introduced with clear emotional characteristics and goals for each one.
Scene 2 Location: Beginning of Act 2
Logline: The family takes off on their road trip together.
Essence: Set up the eventual demise of Grandpa with a comedic exchange which also emphasizes Olive’s innocence and plants a seed of worry in the reader for this sweet girl among so much emotional turmoil.
Scene 3 Location: Early Act 2
Logline: Family stops for brunch and Olive gets a life lesson.
Essence: It’s not just a dysfunctional family road trip, Olive’s innocence is on the line. but we see the care they have for her despite their woefully misguided behavior much of the time.
Scene 4 Location: Midpoint
Logline: Richard goes all out to help Olive after a seemingly insurmountable obstacle caused by Grandpa’s overdose.
Essence: Richard takes his “winner” strategy to extreme and keep Olive in the winner category after Stan Grossman insists that Richard’s been defeated. Denial of reality but hope for the audience to feel.
Scene 5 Location: End of Act 2
Logline: Dwayne finds out he’s colorblind and therefore won’t be accepted into flight school.
Essence: One more obstacle on the literal journey for Olive to realize her dream is Dwayne’s dream being crushed. His vow of silence broken but Olive’s silent care for him heals his heart enough to accept the news. His care for her is shown and the first glimpse of his care for his family which is on full display at the end when they all dance on stage to support Olive.
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Rita Roberts
I agree to the terms of this release form.
GROUP RELEASE FORM
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
This completes the Group Release Form for the class. -
Rita Is Ready for Script Exchange Version 1
Rom-Com
Title: BLUE DAWN
Logline:
Wanting to impress a handsome contractor, a lonely psychology professor pretends to own a painting company but what she delivers gives new meaning to “home improvements.”
———
If this sounds like a fun read to you, send me a message. I look forward to reading several scripts from the class!I’m not sure how messaging works on this site so feel free to email: rita@ritaroberts.com
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Rita Roberts.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Done with My Finished 3rd Draft – Chronological Edits! Ready for feedback 🙂
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Rita’s Solved Scene Problems
What I learned:
It helps to read scenes from last scene to first to double check story continuity and make my brain think about it in a slightly different way. It also helps for considering the strength of each scene and not getting lost in the story.
I found places to make scenes and actions more clear in this pass. Feeling ready for feedback to know how it reads to someone else.
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Rita’s Solved Character Problems!
What I learned:
- There were some pretty simple improvements to character introductions, a few words to define a character which differentiates them from the others.
- Going through only one character’s dialog at a time helps highlight where they are sounding in ways which aren’t specific to their personality.
- There was already a fair bit of brief action interspersed to enhance longer dialog sections.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>A. WEAK PROTAGONIST OR ANTAGONIST
Still looking at potential for making these characters stronger while keeping them as regular, flawed humans in their dysfunctional ways.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>E. PROTAGONIST JOURNEY NOT STRONG
I refined the main character’s speech to be more proper in the beginning, evolving to become more loose and honest at the end. Also included more suggestions for why her background led her to go on this journey, which didn’t take anything lengthy, just a few tweaks in a couple of scenes.
<b style=”font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit;”>F. ALL THE CHARACTERS SEEM THE SAME
Found some ways to include hints of personality/background for 4 members of a painting crew both in action and dialog. The characters are similar in their blue collar positions and experiences within the scenes but distinctly individual in their personality.
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Finished my 1st Draft!
Now 2nd draft is DONE!
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Rita Roberts.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Rita’s Solved Structural Problems
What I learned doing this assignment:
- I had to change the opening to show the protagonist as less than thriving in her status quo once I rethought the dilemma in Act 4. Changed a few other scenes to reflect the dilemma. Makes much more sense and ups the emotional stakes.
- Small changes in emotion have big impacts on the rest of the story.
- It felt kind of impossible yesterday but after some sleep and meditative connection, the solutions were clear and simple. Something to remember and be confident about.
- And then I changed/shortened the logline.
LOGLINE: To impress a handsome contractor, a lonely psychology professor pretends to own a painting company which generates high demand for her services… for more than just home makeovers.
4 Act Structure
Act 1:
-Opening
Dawn closes the semester with her mostly listless psychology students but Zak is particularly friendly in a loyal puppy kind of way.
-Inciting Incident
Planning a small, home project for her summer off, Dawn impulsively plays into a misunderstanding with a handsome contractor, Tom, at the paint store. She pretends to own a painting company, even gives it a name — Blue Dawn Painting — and is quickly horrified by what she’s done.
-Turning Point
Dawn agrees to finance Zak in painting one, ONE house only so he can pay for fall tuition. They assemble a crew who are qualified… for something other than painting. However, more jobs keep coming and business is booming. Tom keeps her close by asking her to bid a job for him.
Act 2:
-New plan
Tom asks questions she can barely bluff her way through. Rather than spilling the truth, she buys a paint van and gets insurance.
-Plan in action
Dawn signs a contract with Abernathy Builders showing. They butt heads during the signing. Her ramshackle crew walks off the job.
-Midpoint Turning Point
Right after Tom asks her on a date, he finds out it was all a lie. While avoiding Tom, she and Zak have a moment, he tells her to wake up and realize this isn’t a charade. They’re going to finish the job, if she can just steer clear of the crew and Tom.
Act 3:
-Rethink everything
She plans to ignore Zak and come clean but can’t do it. Now, instead of flirting with Tom Dawn avoids him all over town so he can’t confront her and the crew is at odds.
-New plan
Dawn puts her true talents to work, relating to people. She gets closer with the homeowner and instructs the guys to clear out her spare bedroom making it a studio.
-Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
Zak plummets from a high ladder while everyone argues. He’s rushed to the hospital.
Was it really an accident?Act 4:
Dilemma:
Does Dawn crawl back to her lonely, unrewarding but secure life?
Or continue in this blue collar world she rejected a long time ago?
-Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
Dawn has to fess up that she’s made for this hands on world instead of academia. Something her dad always wanted for her. She goes for straight forward honesty with new love interest on the scene, Stevens. No pretense and in front of Tom.
-Resolution
Everyone lives in their element with improved lives and healed relationships.
New Ways:
Confident, enterprising, enlivened. Actual integrity, honesty, strength.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Rita Roberts.
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Rita’s Filled In Missing Scenes!
What I learned: I had most of the scenes there, very little to fill in but several scenes were rearranged to improve continuity. Page count stayed at 92. With a full read through, the climax feels more satisfying than it did right after I wrote it.
Most of what I did on this pass was to add pieces early which would payoff later.
Feels good to have the first draft done!
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Rita’s Act 4 Climax
What I learned:
- I can let the biggest scene be garbage now and fix it later.
- There’s a call back to something thrown into a very early scene which I didn’t know was foreshadowing at the time but I think it works now.
- I finally learned the theme — Don’t underestimate yourself — which will have to be more consciously sprinkled throughout the script.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Zak sits up enjoying a juicy burger and a malt. Clearly not hospital food.
Sage sits next to the bed, smiling. Now more seductive than studious.
Zak smiles back while he chews. Offers her a fry.
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY- DAY
Dawn and Abernathy arrive at the elevator simultaneously. A whole Laurel and Hardy routine ensues.
Doors threaten to shut so they both jump in.
INT. ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS
Side eyes, elevator discomfort. Tom breaks the ice.
TOM
You know, it’s Saturday.
DAWN
Yes. Tomorrow is Sunday.
TOM
Do you maybe want to keep that dinner date? I’d like to talk to you about something.
Dawn turns to face him. Total confusion.
DAWN
Really? Why?
Tom lets out an exasperated exhale and drops his head.
TOM
Can we just talk about it at dinner?
Doors open. He exits, no thought of chivalry now. Dawn rushes to get to Zak’s room ahead of him.
She bolts through the door first.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Dawn’s students, out of context. This context to sinks in. She winks at Sage and takes the only other chair.
Tom has to stand, now commanding the room.
TOM
(indicates Sage)
Looks like you’re doing alright there, buddy.
SAGE
Is this the one?
Dawn elbows her.
Zak slurps his malt. His regular beam is back.
TOM
Any word on when you can get out of here and back to work?
Dawn’s jaw drops.
DAWN
Are you kidding me?
(pats Zaks covers)
You take all the time you need, Zakky.
TOM
No man likes to be laid up, am I right?
Zak’s smile fades.
DAWN
Might I remind you, Zak doesn’t answer to you.
TOM
That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. But I thought we’d save it for dinner.
Dawn stands and leans over Zak.
DAWN
So, it’s not a date? You’re trying to steal him away from me?
TOM
Let’s face it, your thing is a temporary gig. Kind of a lark, to put it nicely. I wanted to offer something with a little more security. Maybe I was could offer some stability too.
Dawn tidies Zak’s table to disengage from this conflict. She waves Zak’s pee canister at Tom.
DAWN
I am plenty stable, thank you. Maybe he’d rather stay with me.
Tom leans over Zak.
Dawn leans too, ready to take him on now.
Back to being studious, Sage watches every bit of the exchange. She pulls some paper from her bag and scribble notes.
TOM
That’s not for you to decide.
SAGE
STOP!
The two so-called adults back off. Hostile, but quiet.
ZAK
Yeah, I’m right here and neither of you know what I want.
DAWN
I’m sorry. You’re right. I–
ZAK
Mr Stevens! Come on in.
STEVENS (30s) buff in his gym clothes, tousles Zak’s hair. Handsome just doubled in the room. If he brought flowers, no one would notice them.
Sage elbows Dawn, raises her eyebrows.
STEVENS
I told you before, you can call me Darrin now.
DAWN
Seriously?
STEVENS
I know. Or just Stevens.
SAGE
Is your wife’s name Samantha?
Dawn pokes her. Then pats her hand. Sneaky, well played.
STEVENS
Not married.
(pokes Zak)
Introductions, perhaps.
He tilts his head toward Dawn.
Dawn smiles, suddenly shy. Energy in the room has changed.
Tom does not like it.
TOM
We were just discussing–
ZAK
Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Perfect timing Mr… Darrin.
Holds out his fist for a bump.
Stevens and Tom both bump him back.
ZAK
How about if you two team up.
Stevens and Tom look at each other, “I don’t even know you” but they shake hands.
TOM
Tom. Abernathy Builders.
STEVENS
Zak’s gym teacher. Former.
DAWN
Oh, the painter! Are you looking for work this summer?
Tom’s eyes go wide. What is happening?
STEVENS
Yes, I am. It’s unusually sparse this year.
ZAK
Sorry, that’s my fault.
TOM
Hold on, is this a rerun?
They all look at him, confused.
Sage’s lightbulb clicks on.
SAGE
Tom, what’s going on with these feelings of insecurity and competition?
TOM
What?
Dawn motions to her to cutoff this line of questioning.
SAGE
Clearly, you’re threatened, not only by a woman who–
DAWN
Let’s all just focus on Zak, shall we? How are you feeling?
TOM
No, I think Stevens should know the truth.
SAGE
What, that you’ve been trying to get in Dawn’s pants all summer?
DAWN
Sage!
TOM
(to Dawn)
Is that what you told her?
STEVENS
(to Zak)
These aren’t your parents are they?
ZAK
Might as well be. They fight as much.
Another energy shift. The room goes quiet.
STEVENS
(motions to the door)
Should I… ?
TOM
Yes!
DAWN
No!
SAGE
No!
Stevens stands frozen, totally confused.
SILENCE.
NURSE enters until the intensity hits her. She backs out.
Dawn can’t take it.
DAWN
Alright! All right.
She paces at the foot of Zak’s bed.
Tom crosses his arms.
Sage prepares to take notes.
Stevens takes a step toward the door.
Dawn kicks up the stopper and shuts it.
Zak holds up his finger and hits the button on his bed
It drops. Wrong way. He pushes the other button. It raises. Slowly.
Dawn waits for the bed to stop whirring.
Zak gives her a thumbs up.
Dawn jams her chair into the back of Stevens’ her knees. He can’t help but sit.
DAWN
Here it is. Tom’s a handsome man, can we agree on that?
Sage nods, definite yes.
Toms blushes. Throws up his hands and turns around.
Zak, thumbs up and a wink.
Stevens shrugs. Nods at Dawn’s insistence, “Okay, sure.”
DAWN
Great. I admit, it was impetuous. Uncharacteristically spontaneous, completely not premeditated.
SAGE
Impulsive. An act of passion.
TOM
Or stupidity.
DAWN
Fine. All of the above. I said I had a paint company but I didn’t.
STEVENS
So, you don’t have work for me?
DAWN
No I do!
Stevens tries to wrap his head around this but fails. More confused than ever.
TOM
And look where it got Zak.
ZAK
Yeah, just look.
He holds reaches for Sage’s hand.
DAWN
Aw, that’s sweet.
ZAK
I thought she was way out of my league.
SAGE
But I heard about how hard he was working for Ms Dawn and, well… I’ve been coming to visit every day.
STEVENS
Soooo, you do have work? I’m lost.
TOM
Let me spell it out for you sport. She flirted with me. She lied. I fell for it. Now she’s doing the same thing to you. Get it?
Mom knocks on the door, pokes her head in.
MOM
Is there room for me?
TOM
Oh, just perfect.
DAWN
(to Tom)
What is wrong with you?
TOM
Me? You’re the liar.
(points at Mom)
You’re the liar…
He searches around the room for who else he can point at.
TOM
You’re probably all liars!
He spins toward the door but Mom blocks the way. His face reddens further.
Mom approaches him slowly. She wraps her arms around him, squeezes tight.
He squirms to get free. He could break her grip if he really wanted to but he softens. Goes limp.
MOM
It’s okay, Tommy.
Sage grips Zak’s had tighter. He kisses it.
Mom and son stay in a much needed hug. Tension melts.
Tom runs a hand under his nose. Clears his throat.
Dawn’s eyes go wide, “Was he crying?!
TOM
I’m sorry, everybody. I’m sorry Dawn. I guess I still have a few rough edges in need of sanding.
MOM
We all do, honey.
Dawn goes in for a hug. She stops, arms out, waits for consent.
DAWN
(still hugging)
It’s okay. What you said is true.
She lets go of Tom to address Stevens.
DAWN
So, Darrin or Stevens or whatever nickname the crew ends up giving
DAWN
you, it’s true. I did lie, initially. But I made good on all of it and learned a lot in the process. So much. Zak taught me more than I ever taught him, that’s for sure.
(to Tom)
And you’re not the only one with problematic parents.
Nods all around. Total agreement there.
DAWN
And you took a chance on me, Tom. That’s all. So maybe I went about it all wrong but I hope you don’t write me off completely. I just had a good feeling about you and I went with it. And then all these other people showed up who just need somebody who sees them for who they are and doesn’t judge. And suddenly, there are…
(counts on her fingers)
Five other people who are also doing things differently.
SAGE
Make that six!
She’s sitting on the bed now.
ZAK
Or maybe seven if you count that hug a minute ago.
TOM
Plus the poor bastard who got kicked out of his house.
DAWN
There’s another liar for your list.
More nods all around except for Stevens.
STEVENS
I think I came in late on this drama.
TOM
Don’t worry, there’ll plenty more if you’re taking over for Zak.
STEVENS
Am I?
DAWN
No way, I learned my lesson. I’ll just ask you straight out. Would you rather work for me or have dinner tomorrow?
All eyes on Stevens. He seeks advice around the room.
Mostly thumbs up but Tom gives him the don’t do it signal.
Dawn punches Tom.
STEVENS
Yes?
They all laugh and say their goodbyes to Zak.
-
Rita’s Act 4 First Scenes
What I learned:
I am really just blasting through scenes at 20% (like Megan, asking forgiveness for my dumb dialog!) Dilemma is in these scenes but I’m sure it can be massively elevated and definitely finessed. I already see another thread to tie up as the hospital scene takes shape.
PREVIOUS SCENE: Zak has just been taken in an ambulance after falling off a ladder.
—————-
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – DAY
Dawn gazes sorrowfully in the direction of the fading siren.
DAWN
Wait!
The crew pulls a “Red Light” and freeze in place.
Dawn paces in front her troops, more animated with each pass.
DAWN
I might be slow and maybe a little stupid.
Sideways glances, “she’s admitting it?”
DAWN
But I’m not a complete moron. I plucked you at random from a parking lot, for God’s sake! I could see something in each of you. And I’ve watched you learn, work hard, become friends…
Super-dork smiles, puts an arm Crater’s tattooed neck and Billy’s muscles, almost. Her glare makes him think better.
Crater shrugs Harold off and takes a step away.
DAWN
… And dare I say, you’ve become an actual, efficient team. Look at what you’ve accomplished here!
They all scan the nearly finished paint job. Pride all around.
HAROLD
If I may.
CRATER
Don’t ruin it dumbass.
HAROLD
None of this would have happened without you, Blue Dawn.
The realization lands. Dawn’s eyes well up with tears. The crew nods, they must concur with Super-dork’s logic.
Dawn sniffs and toughens up. Goes full drill-sergeant.
DAWN
Did Boss Boy show you what needs to be done?
Crater gets it.
CRATER
Sir, yes sir!
DAWN
Are you ready to step up, grow up and make this happen?
They all stand at attention.
ALL
Sir, yes sir.
DAWN
Are you still parking lot losers?
(she softens)
Sorry, I just go lost in–
ALL
Sir, no sir!
DAWN
Let’s do this, then! Finish this for Boss Boy!
ALL
Ma’am, yes Ma’am!
They huddle up.
DAWN
One, two three…
ALL
Blue Dawn!
Big Todd takes the lead, drops the comedy routine. He claps.
BIG TODD
Okay, kids. We’ve got a deadline. Let’s get ‘er done.
They scatter like productive worker ants on a mission to each unfinished part of the house.
Dawn arms herself with a weeny roller.
DAWN
(to Big Todd)
Where do you want me?
BIG TODD
You’re the captain. Go tend to your fallen soldier.
DAWN
But… Tom is there.
BIG TODD
(with a look)
Yes, he is.
DAWN
He doesn’t get to tell me what to do!
BIG TODD
Correct.
He reaches for the roller. She relinquishes the tool. Her walk toward the van picks up to a full out run.
She turns around.
DAWN
Hey, I need a rid to my car.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY
Tom sits next to Zak’s bed while he sleeps. His leg is in a cast and elevated. Multiple bruises on his face and arms.
Dawn stops at the door, taking it in. He looks bad.
Tom rushes quietly toward her. Easily muscles her out the door.
TOM
The boy doesn’t need any more drama.
DAWN
He’s a young man and… he’s my young man so stand aside please.
Tom’s stationary bulk blocks her.
She steps to the right, he does too. Then left.
DAWN
Really?
Zak moans.
MOM
Tommy, let her through.
Mom has been watching from the hall. She pulls Tom away.
Dawn goes in and takes Zak’s hand.
DAWN
Zakky, we’re going to get through this. The guys are finishing up at Smith’s. I think the Smith’s are finishing up well.We’ve really shaken things up, come to think of it.
Zak twitches.
Chuck Abernathy stomps in, not at all a soothing presence.
CHUCK
If I was running this, you’d be facing charges by now.
Tom’s back.
TOM
But you’re not running the company anymore.
Mom follows. The room is getting full.
MOM
It’s time to let go, Chuck. And come clean.
Zak shifts in the bed, disturbed. Moans louder.
DAWN
Do you mind? Take it outside.
CHUCK
You need to get Abernathy Builders away from this mess.
(points an accusation)
And her!
TOM
You’re not calling the shots anymore.
MOM
It’s about time.
Zak’s eyelids flutter.
DAWN
Zak, it’s me, Dawn.
ZAK
Make them stop.
She looks at the feuding family, “He means you!”
CHUCK
Consider yourself lucky, kid. A woman can bust up a lot more than a few bones.
MOM
Who busts what? I think you might need to check into dementia care for your dad, Tommy.
TOM
Stop calling me Tommy.
ZAK
(to Dawn)
Will you help me over to the window? How high are we?
DAWN
I think you need to stay in bed… oh my god, did you fall on purpose?
This finally shuts everybody up.
Zak’s eyes are closed again. He rambles.
ZAK
Why won’t they stop? He just keeps pushing and criticizing.
They all look at Chuck.
Chuck waves his hand, through with the lot of them.
CHUCK
Suit yourself. See you in bankruptcy.
More mumbles among the bruises.
ZAK
And she just keeps taking it.
Mom sits down.
MOM
I did. Not anymore, though.
Tom eyes the door where his dad left. Looks at his mom. Then at Dawn.
TOM
I don’t know what kind of witchcraft you have going on but this is messed up!
Mom and Dawn both shush him.
Exasperated, he pulls a Chuck and leaves, avoiding conflict.
DAWN
It’s okay now. Everybody’s gone. No more diving off of ladders okay?
Zak, opens one eye in full consciousness. Half smiles. The other half is too swollen.
ZAK
Ouch.
DAWN
You did that on purpose?
ZAK
He’ll get it sooner or later.
MOM
Are you talking to me or Dawn?
Both women lean in, like pilgrims to a wise guru but Zak dozes off again.
-
Rita’s Completed Act 3
What I learned: At this stage, the characters are getting more familiar so the scenes write more easily. I wrote a hefty chunk of pages.
——————-
SERIES OF SCENES
Dawn avoids Abernathy all over town.
INT. POST OFFICE – MORNING
Dawn closes her PO box and flips through envelopes.
Tom gets in line at the counter. Waits. Sees Dawn.
At the same time she sees him. He signals to her but she pretends to wave at someone outside.
Tom moves to follow her but three people with large packages have joined the queue and block him in.
EXT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT
Tom sees Dawn at the deli counter and makes a beeline.
Dawn can’t fake a no-see. She waves with a friendly smile.
A half-blind OLD MAN with a squeaky cart stops right in front of him. It won’t move, wheel is stuck.
Tom can’t help himself, he straightens out and unlocks the wheel, sends the geezer on his way.
Dawn vanished.
INT. TAKE OUT JOINT – NIGHT
Dawn gathers plastic cutlery when Tom enters.
Her back is turned. He’s got her this time!
Suddenly two little brats grab his pant legs. Chase each other around his legs. Screams and giggles.
Dawn turns. Horror registers on her face.
The human mulberry bush is immobilized.
Harold comes out of the bathroom and corrals his kids. Motions to Dawn to make her move.
She mouths a silent, “thank you.”
Tom turns one way then the other, fuming. She escaped again.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – MORNING
Zak and the crew paint with as much distance between them as possible.
Todd scowls instead of cracking jokes. Besides a barking dog, and occasional aluminum clatter of ladders, it’s quiet.
Andrea steps out on the deck. Crater is the only one in sight. She opens her mouth to greet him but thinks better of it.
Even Zak moves with little enthusiasm. He brushes trim, listless. Multiple sighs.
Andrea retreats, dejected.
INT. ABERNATHY BUILDERS OFFICE – MORNING
Tom tries Dawn’s number. AGAIN. No answer.
He rears back to heave the phone at the opposite wall.
It RINGS.
He stops mid-pitch, looks at it with hope.
He groans and taps the screen.
TOM
Hi, Mom.
MOM
Hi, Honey. My weekly call. How are you doing? You sound down.
TOM
Yeah, there’s kind of a problem. Maybe you can help me with this one it’s right up your alley. A woman who lies.
SILENCE.
MOM
Tommy, I think it’s time we set the record straight.
TOM
The record’s been straight since, oh I don’t know, when you left, maybe?
MOM
I haven’t seen you in months. That’s on you.
He directs his adolescent regression toward the ceiling.
TOM
Fine. I’ll be at the diner in twenty.
Hangs up. Cold.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – DAY
Workers sit on different steps of the deck eating lunch. No one talks.
Dawn pulls up. Everybody groans. Suddenly done with lunch, they all scatter, even Zak.
Earbuds all around.
Dawn carries a clipboard, looking all official and not at all weasely. She inspects the paint work, makes notes.
The crew circles around the house, each worker staying ahead of her and out of her way.
Andrea practically cartwheels out of the house, seeing a friendly face to talk to.
ANDREA
Hi Dawn! You must be quite the busy business woman. I haven’t seen you in days.
She sets teacups and LARGE platter cookies on the table.
DAWN
Oh, you know, odds and ends to take care of. The house looks good, so do those cookies!
The crew, in their journey around the house have bunched up at the southeast corner, salivating over the cookies.
CRATER
I missed breakfast.
BIG TODD
I smoked breakfast.
BILLIE
I drank breakfast.
They all look at her surprised.
BILLIE
Protein smoothie, morons.
CRATER
I really wanted to drink it.
HAROLD
I really want a cookie.
ZAK
So, go act like well-adjusted, adult human beings and, you know, be friendly.
Zak leaves them to be idiots and shuts himself in the van.
BIG TODD
What’s with his attitude? Munchies need abating. See ya, bitches.
Big Todd saunters over like a normal adult.
Andrea loads him up with cookies.
He pretends politeness, turns and flips off the crew.
The others run over like preschoolers at snack time.
INT. DINER – DAY
Tom sits in a booth, studies the menu.
MOM (60s) slides in across from him. Healthy, fit, with an old hippie vibe. She puts her hand on his.
MOM
It so good to see you, my boy. You seem stressed.
TOM
Like I said, work stuff.
MOM
That wasn’t nice, what you said on the phone. In fact, you haven’t been nice to me since you were ten. It’s time to grow up.
TOM
Maybe you messed me up for life.
MOM
Alright, record straightening time.
Of course the server, Sage from Dawn’s class, comes right at that moment.
TOM
(hostile)
I’ll have the usual.
MOM
(hostile)
We need more time.
Sage/Server scurries away.
MOM
I never said anything because you wanted to stay with your dad rather than anyone thinking you were a mommie’s boy. Then you started working for Dad, which must be hard enough, being who he is, so I kept my mouth shut longer.
TOM
That was a good strategy.
MOM
He’s retired now, so here it is. Your dad cheated on me.
TOM
You got that backwards, Mom.
MOM
Yes, I had an affair but after I’d caught him with the neighbor.
TOM
(laughs)
You mean Hal the old Okie? I’m sure he and Dad really got it on.
MOM
Don’t be a jerk. Hal’s niece. Remember, she came to take care of him?
Sage tip-toes closer.
They both glare.
She backs away.
TOM
You’re saying he lied. Right.
MOM
By omission. He ignored a key piece. I begged him to ignore the piece next door, but he ignored me instead.
TOM
It’s not like you planned to stay.
MOM
Of course I did! Leaving you killed me. I even tried making him jealous. But that was stupid, he just kept doing what he wanted.
TOM
And then he blamed everything on you all these years. So you both lied!
She touches his hand again.
MOM
I’m sorry, I thought you and I could patch it up. We were so close up until then.
Tom slides out of the booth, to stand. He nearly busts the Server’s jaw with his shoulder.
Sage retreats for good waving a white rag.
Tom stares down his mom, opens his mouth to speak. His hands lift, then drop to his sides. No words.
Mom reaches for his wrist. He pulls away and leaves her there.
INT. SMITH HOUSE – DAY
Dawn sits on a couch with Andrea like old friends. Andrea wipes her nose with a tissue.
ANDREA
I’m so sorry to just unload on you like this. I just don’t have anyone to talk to. This neighborhood isn’t really… I don’t fit in here.
DAWN
I’m with you there. And I sensed that about you. I suspect you have more going on than any HOA can deal with, I mean in a good way.
Andrea laughs.
ANDREA
Yeah, I piss them off all the time but my husband always takes their side. No imagination.
DAWN
You said you were an art major. Do you still paint?
ANDREA
Not really. I have a studio upstairs. It’s really just a bedroom with an easel. Come on I’ll show you.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Tom pulls up close to Dawn’s bumper blocking her in.
TOM
Hah! Can’t take off this time.
His phone rings. Business, he takes the call.
INT. SMITH HOUSE
Andrea pulls out a few paintings from the closet. She lays them on the guest bed for Dawn to inspect.
DAWN
Oh my god, these are amazing! Your scones are delicious but these have so much soul.
And they are exceptional. Beautiful. Skillful.
Andrea deflects her compliments.
ANDREA
I love it but this house is a lot to take care of and my husband’s work pays the bills so I feel obligated–
DAWN
What is this bed doing in here? If this is your studio… hang on.
Dawn sprints down the stairs and outside.
INT. ABERNATHY’S WORK TRUCK
Tom looks up from dialing. The call connects.
TOM
What the hell is she — oh, hey Fred… Can I call you back?
He watches Dawn directing Billie and Big Todd toward the street where they dump a mattress by the curb.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE
Andrea claps, gleeful but horrified.
Dawn stands, hands on hips like Wonder Freaking Woman.
Tom approaches.
Dawn waves, totally forgetting her mission to avoid him. Then she remembers. She shrinks behind Big Todd.
TOM
Are we remodeling too?
Andrea gives Tom a sideways hug.
ANDREA
Thank you so much for sending me this angel. These angels.
Crater and his tattoos drop a headboard on top of the mattress.
TOM
Angels?
ANDREA
Like Dawn said, what good is a paint job if the insides aren’t authentic?
TOM
I can’t agree more!
(directed at Dawn)
What good is it to be inauthentic?
Dawn tugs at her shirt hem, looks down at the logo. She folds her arms across her front. Not looking transparent.
ANDREA
I’ve got calls to make because there’s more than this to clear out.
She winks at Dawn and heads for the house.
TOM
What phone call is she talking about? And where’s Zak? Why isn’t this done yet?
Dawn taps Big Todd and tilts her head toward the house.
BIG TODD
Painters gotta paint.
Dawn turns to follow.
TOM
Oh, no you don’t.
He grabs her arm. She looks at his hand.
DAWN
I most certainly do!
He let’s go.
TOM
Sorry, but we have to talk.
DAWN
Yeah, no kidding.
She lifts her sleeve, checks for welts. It wasn’t that bad.
Tom takes off his cap and runs fingers through a full head of luxurious hair. He smacks the cap on his thigh.
TOM
I can’t even deal with you. Where’s Zak?
DAWN
Oh. I guess —
Tom leaves her at the curb to find Zak.
Dawn watches hunky contractor man walk away.
DAWN
Damn you and your manly… everything.
It’s her chance to make a break for it, until she sees Tom’s bumper touching hers.
Quiet growl of frustration. Then a smile.
Andrea hauls bedding to add to the pile. She watches her new savior drive away in the paint van.
INT. DINER – AFTERNOON
Dawn slides into a booth behind Tom’s mom who finally got lunch.
Server/Sage approaches. She checks in with Mom first.
SAGE
Is there anything else, honey?
MOM
If it’s okay, I’m just going to sip my tea here for a while.
SAGE
You take as long as you like.
(moving on to Dawn)
We’re all friends here.
Dawn turns around.
DAWN
Oh, hi Sage. I thought that voice sounded familiar. I’m happy to see a friendly face. I just came from a hostile work environment.
Sage gets ready to ask questions but Mom turns around to join in.
MOM
That’s funny, I just experienced a hostile diner environment.
Dawn looks at the Sage.
She raises her hands, all innocence.
SAGE
Not me! It was her supposed lunch companion who stormed off. Because, you know, truth.
Dawn looks to Mom for clarification.
DAWN
Was this like a blind date or something?
MOM
No. My son.
They all nod. Enough said.
DAWN
The one I’m dealing with must be somebody’s son. Hadn’t really thought about that until now.
MOM
Yep, they all are.
DAWN
You don’t have a good relationship with your son? Does any man actually like his mother? Or at least not in a way that’s wildly suspicious and dysfunctional?
MOM
Why don’t you come over here, that way our friend will have room for another customer.
As delighted as Andrea was earlier, Dawn switches seats.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Tom directs the crew, all business.
Tom talks to Andrea, all charm.
Zak stays on a ladder as far away as possible.
TOM
Zak, may I have a word please?
Zak doesn’t hear, or at least doesn’t respond. Keeps working.
Tom’s patience left a long time ago. He jiggles the ladder.
Shaken and stirred, Zak drops his brush to grip a rung.
A large dollop of green paint misses Tom but hits a decorative stone and splashes onto raw wood of the deck.
ZAK
(removes ear buds)
Are you trying to kill me, man? What gives?
Tom, not exactly contrite, points at the ground.
TOM
Will you come down here please. Now.
Zak’s tail quit wagging a while back as well.
ZAK
I expect that from these knuckleheads but I’d think you would have an awareness of workplace hazards.
(sees the paint spill)
Aw, man. That’s an extra charge there, on you.
TOM
I’d have fired this outfit last week but Miss Blue Dawn seems to have snowed the homeowner, not just me.
Zak gets up in his face, well, maybe his chest. Pokes a finger.
ZAK
Miss Dawn’s not snowing anybody. You hired us, we’re doing the work. That’s it.
Tom takes a step back, surprised by his personality change.
Big Todd has already moved in as back up.
Crater twirls a roller pole like a fighting stick.
Billie removes her jacket, slides out a box cutter blade.
Harold looks down from the deck.
HAROLD
Let’s take a time out, boys. And Miss–
Billie glares and slides the blade out further toward Harold.
Zak closes the gap between himself and Tom. Pokes a finger in his chest.
ZAK
We all know what you’re really after.
Tom pokes back.
Big Todd shoves Tom’s shoulder.
BIG TODD
Back off, man. This house looks great and you come here to complain?
Crater shoves him back further with the pole.
Tom grabs it and twists. An all-out brawl could ignite.
ANDREA
Tom? What’s going on?
Everybody goes nonchalant like first-graders caught by teacher.
Box-cutter blade clicks back.
Andrea steps down from the deck.
TOM
I was just moving things along so we can get these guys out of your hair.
ANDREA
Everything is going fine, Tom. Great, in fact. I was thinking of having you do more work on the inside but I think I’ll just contract directly with Dawn.
Tom’s cheeks go red. He stretches his neck to each side.
Big Todd and Crater mock him out of Andrea’s line of sight.
TOM
What a shocker. True to form from a woman.
BILLIE
Whoa there, big man. What’s that now?
Andrea puts her arm around Billie. Takes the box cutter from her.
ANDREA
Thank you! I’ve been looking for that.
TOM
Zak, can we give the customer an idea of when this will be done?
ZAK
It’s done when it’s done, man.
He moves the ladder to a new spot.
INT. DINER – CONTINUOUS
Andrea and Mom chow down on burgers. Conversation flows between bites.
DAWN
And then he says, “Maybe Abernathy and Blue Dawn are not a good fit.”
Mom chokes. Hard.
Sage rushes over. Looks at Dawn, helpless.
Dawn hands water to Mom.
Mom recovers enough to speak.
MOM
You’re talking about Tom?
DAWN
You know him?
MOM
He’s my son.
Sage slides in next to Dawn, not about to miss the rest.
SAGE
Small town.
DAWN
Indeed!
MOM
We’ve got to straighten this kid out.
Sage nods a major agreement.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Andrea gestures at Tom with the box cutter, no blade. Yet.
ANDREA
You can’t rush good work, Tom. Man.
Painters offer various gestures from behind Andrea.
TOM
Professionals keep a schedule, I’m just trying to stay on it.
Andrea steps closer.
ANDREA
Quality takes time.
Zak points at those words as if they’re visible.
The crew step closer around their new leader.
Tom opens his mouth but can’t come up with anything. The world has gone backwards for Boss Man.
BIG TODD
Are you done?
Tom finally retreats.
TOM
I’ll take this up with —
He stops. Realizes the van is gone and Dawn has split.
INT. DINER – CONTINUOUS
Mom downs several gulps of water.
Lunch rush is over, they’re the only customers.
SAGE
What are we gonna do?
DAWN
I’ve been asking that question all summer. I’m way past rational behavior now.
Sage nods. Then they both look to Mom for guidance.
MOM
What do I know? I’ve been trying to get through to him for thirty years.
Dawn and Sage slump.
DAWN
He’s always been this difficult?
MOM
No! He was the sweetest little boy. We were so close. But his dad. Don’t get me started.
Dawn and Sage offer knowing nods.
SAGE
I see them in here all the time. Loser Dads. Druggy Dads. Super-dork Dads.
DAWN
You just described my whole crew.
SAGE
It’s a type. They’re usually in some phase of construction.
DAWN
What I’m hearing is that I may as well give up on ever having a healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Mom can’t disagree.
SAGE
Pretty much. This diner is a psychology thesis treasure-trove.
DAWN
Noted. I’ll tell my students.
MOM
You mean your crew?
Dawn drops her face into her hands.
DAWN
(muffled)
Odjdkfy.
SAGE
I think she said something like, “I’m a psychology professor.”
Mom gently pulls her hands away.
MOM
What’s going on, honey?
DAWN
I’m a phony.
SAGE
I was close.
INT. ABERNATHY’S WORK TRUCK – CONTINUOUS
Tom sits at a red light. Keeps his cool. Inches forward.
Grips the wheel tighter. Loses it.
EXT. ABERNATHY’S WORK TRUCK – MORNING
Kids in a turn lane car next to Tom watch him throw a tantrum. Mouths agape. Honks and all.
Turn light changes. They glide forward. Tom remains gridlocked in childish regression.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – DAY
Zak remains in a dark mood but keeps working.
Crew eats cookies.
Zak rounds them up.
ZAK
This isn’t daycare. Who’s doing the deck?
BIG TODD
Hey, man. We didn’t spill that big blotch of paint on the wood.
ZAK
Then somebody needs to get up here and take over on the fascia.
Crater passes the plate of cookies.
CRATER
Quality takes time.
(takes a bite)
These are definitely quality.
Even Billie indulges. She chews, in full, delicious agreement.
Super-dork offers tea. The others laugh and push him away.
ZAK
Somebody, go get the rags and a sander from the van.
BIG TODD
Love to help you, dude, but the van is gone. Along with the rest of the paint. And the Boss Lady.
CRATER
Is she trying to skip out on payday?
Mood changes. Especially Zak as he looks toward the curb.
He heaves his brush at the siding, leaving a big splotch of trim color on the main body.
BIG TODD
Dang, man. I’d offer you some mellow meds but she took those too.
He checks every pocket anyway.
INT. PAINT VAN – CONTINUOUS
Mom rides in the passenger seat with Dawn.
They spot Tom, mid-tantrum.
MOM
Uh oh, I recognize that from about age twelve.
DAWN
Wow. Way to pinpoint the core trauma.
Tom sees them see him.
He freezes. Motionless as is his truck.
Cars behind him blare their horns.
Dawn rubbernecks.
Tom stares straight ahead.
DAWN
Tell me the truth. Am I dodging a bullet?
MOM
Bullets whiz by every minute of every day. Some of them hit their target.
Dawn gives her a double take, brow furrowed. Not a very transparent answer!
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
Dawn and Mom pull up.
The whole crew marches toward the van as they get out. Except Billie, she cant be bothered. She soaks up rays on the deck.
BIG TODD
I don’t think gramma’s gonna speed this up any.
Andrea comes out of the house as well.
DAWN
What’s going on? Did Tom leave?
Zak ignores her in an angry pout. Slides the side door open. Unloads paint cans.
Big Todd snatches his backpack. Snarls at Dawn.
BIG TODD
Break time, boys!
DAWN
Looks like you already had your break.
HAROLD
Excuse me, madams, but did you bring paychecks?
DAWN
Oh shit. I forgot. Tell them I’ll be back after bit.
She crawls into the van.
HAROLD
You might want to leave that here.
She climbs back out. Tosses the keys to Harold.
DAWN
And tell they’d better be working when I come back with checks.
She and Mom take off in the car.
INT. DAWN’S STUDY – DAY
Dawn punches numbers into a calculator while Mom looks at picture on a bulletin board.
Dawn scribbles out a previous number in a notebook.
DAWN
This isn’t exactly my strong suit.
Mom pulls up a chair.
MOM
I can help. Read me the hours.
DAWN
I’m not even sure what the going wages are. Do you think this is enough?
She shows Mom her written figures.
MOM
Let’s see. As I remember, my husband used to pay…
She makes a series of calculations.
MOM
Adjusted for present day cost of living…
More number crunching.
MOM
Yeah, I think you’re good. See, you know what you’re doing.
DAWN
I just hope they don’t revolt before this job is done and your son is out of my life. No offense.
MOM
I get it. His dad used to drive me crazy with this drama and that crisis. These construction guys are more emotional than a bunch of sorority girls.
DAWN
And that’s saying something. I would know.
MOM
I don’t want to overstep my bounds here, I know we just met, and I like you, but this might be a touchy subject…
DAWN
Spill it.
Mom puts a hand on Dawn’s shoulder.
MOM
What you’re doing now, with this paint company is more real than any of the psychology stuff you teach.
DAWN
Ouch.
MOM
All the ivory tower theories or supposed doctoral wisdom in the controlled environment of a counselor’s scratch pad don’t hold water out here dealing with damaged people, deep in their triggers.
DAWN
Oh really?
MOM
What you’re doing now takes huevos. I would know.
DAWN
Do tell.
Dawn leans back. Looks like paychecks are gonna wait.
EXT. ABERNATHY’S OFFICE – DAY
Tom pounds away at the keyboard.
Picks up his phone and dials Blue Dawn.
Finger hovers over call button. He groans and shuts the phone off.
He picks up an armload of architectural drawings and shoves them in the trash can. A few topple to the floor.
He shoves them in. Stomps all of them down. His size thirteen gets stuck in the bottom.
SECRETARY strolls by the door. Stops to inquire.
Tom shakes his leg. Mashed papers litter the floor.
Secretary scurries on past. She wants no part of this tantrum.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – DAY
The crew still dallies. Even Billie sits in the shade.
At the curb, smoke plumes emerge as Big Todd cracks the window.
Andrea assesses the situation from the front porch.
Husband pulls into the driveway. Looks at the non-activity as he gets out. Motions, “I’m paying for this?”
INT. DAWN’S STUDY – CONTINUOUS
Mom lounges on the bed while Dawn slides checks into envelopes.
DAWN
I’m sorry to drag you into this. I can take you back to your car but these checks have to get delivered first.
MOM
It’s been nice getting to know you, and learn a little more about my son. He hardly tells me anything.
She gets up, smooths the comforter.
DAWN
I should get rid of that and make this a real office.
MOM
I was thinking the same thing.
Phone rings. Dawn answers.
DAWN
You’re kidding. I’m on my way.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – DAY
Mom waits in the car as Dawn approaches the crew waving checks.
They fall in line for their first payment.
DAWN
Where’s Zak?
Harold points to the van and it’s interior fog.
BIG TODD
Too much, even for me. Boss Boy’s a boss!
Dawn hands out checks and workers gather up their gear.
DAWN
Whoa, where are you going?
CRATER
Gotta get to the bank.
DAWN
This job is supposed to be done today.
Tom’s truck screeches to a halt, inches from Dawn’s bumper.
Mom gets out to cut Tom off as he stomps toward the crew.
Zak tumbles out of the van, coughing.
ZAK
Hey, man. How’s it going?
Smoke overtakes Tom and Mom. Tom waves his hand in their general direction.
TOM
Of course, you’re here. Seems to be a pattern. Mom arrives and everything disintegrates.
MOM
I think you may have had something to do with this one, son.
He stomps up to the front door.
DAWN
You guys have got to pull it together or these checks are going to bounce. You’re not the only one who is supposed to get paid today.
She grabs a brush and goes to work.
Zak ambles up a ladder to the tallest peak. At least he’s smiling again.
Tom rounds the house to find Dawn. His expression says, someone’s getting crushed.
Husband passes him up, as if he’s been there to run his home improvement project.
Andrea shuffles behind them both, torn between a new friend and an angry spouse.
HUSBAND
I’m not paying another nickel for your crew to sunbathe and smoke weed. You need to pack it up and get out.
DAWN
We’re almost finished. You can’t say you’re not satisfied with how it looks. Tomorrow, I promise.
The crew’s eyes go wide. Yikes, actual work.
TOM
He’s right. This has been the biggest display of dysfunctional…
(in Dawn’s face)
Everything.
Dawn, a foot shorter, doesn’t back down, prepares a retort…
In perfect timing, Chuck Abernathy pulls up. He stops short, in shock when Mom intercepts his approach toward the group.
CHUCK
What are you doing here?
MOM
Same goes for you. Tom is handling the situation, he doesn’t need you interfering.
DAWN
Who is that?
TOM
What is she doing here?
Tom takes off toward his quarreling parents.
Dawn motions to the crew to get back to work.
HUSBAND
Hold on, I think you’ve been fired.
She reassures the crew. Not Zak, he communes with a bird on the roof next to him.
DAWN
No one is firing anybody.
ANDREA
Honey, we can let them finish. The work is good, just a little slow. You’re never here anyway so what do you care as long as it’s done well.
HUSBAND
Oh, here we go. Give it a rest, Andrea. I’m paying for all this so you can stay home and bake bonbons.
At the curb, the volume increases. Chuck grabs Mom’s arm. As an old reflex, Tom pushes Chuck away from her.
Up on the roof, Zak watches, now distressed.
ZAK
Everybody just knock this shit off. Inappropriate workplace behavior! Mellow out dudes.
He turns around to get a footing on the top rung of the ladder. His foot slips. He grabs the ladder but his weight tilts it to the side.
Seven people run toward the leaning ladder but it’s already halfway to the ground and gaining speed.
Make that six. Dawn stands paralyzed, watches the inevitable.
Zak hits the sidewalk, missing a pasture-sized lawn.
Painful screams.
Now Dawn is in action at his side.
DAWN
Deep breaths, Zakky. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.
Tom lifts her out of the way. Practically tosses her aside.
TOM
Don’t touch him. Be useful for once and call 911.
Big Todd kneels next to Zak’s head. The screaming has stopped.
ZAK
Dammit, I’m still alive. Again.
BIG TODD
Don’t worry, man. I’m your guide on the other guide.
He pulls a gummy out of his pocket to show Zak.
HUSBAND
You’d better have insurance.
Andrea swats his arm.
Dawn loses her cool.
DAWN
I do, as a matter of fact. But not like the extra coverage you have going with Betsy in accounting. I’m loyal to my guys.
Andrea’s mouth drops, taking this in.
As well as seven others.
Make that six. Zak isn’t having it.
ZAK
Can we focus here.
Pain returns. He moans.
It works. Everybody shuts up as an ambulance crew arrives.
DAWN
Don’t worry, we’ll be right behind you.
ZAK
Just stay and get this done. I still need tuition. But I’ll probably fail that too.
He’s hauled off leaving Dawn unsure what to do.
TOM
Yeah, get this done or somebody’s getting sued.
He follows the gurney.
Andrea and Husband take their troubles inside.
Tom’s parents ignore each other.
Dawn tosses her car keys to Mom.
DAWN
Just park it at the diner and I’ll get it later.
Dawn collapses on a step.
Unsure what to do, the crew looks to Dawn.
She gives a blank stare.
Muffled rage from the ongoing marital discord inside the house.
Dawn gazes sorrowfully in the direction of the fading siren.
The others eyeball other. Several shrugs.
BILLIE
You guys are denser than I thought. Pack it up, we’re done.
Silent, they close paint cans and gather tools.
-
Rita’s Act 3 Middle Scenes
What I learned: It works better for me to just keep writing in order. I think these two scenes reflect the Scene 2 and 3 goals. Plus it feels better to have several Act 3 scenes first draft finished rather than just writing the four main ones and having to fill in the rest on one day.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE
Andrea claps, gleeful but horrified.
Dawn stands, hands on hips like Wonder Freaking Woman.
Tom approaches.
Dawn waves, totally forgetting her mission to avoid him. Then she remembers. She shrinks behind Big Todd.
TOM
Are we remodeling too?
Andrea gives Tom a sideways hug.
ANDREA
Thank you so much for sending me this angel. These angels.
Crater and his tattoos drops a headboard on top of the mattress.
TOM
Angels?
ANDREA
Like Dawn said, what good is a paint job if the insides aren’t authentic?
TOM
I can’t agree more!
(directed at Dawn)
What good is it?
Dawn tugs at her shirt hem, looks down at the logo. She folds her arms across her front. Not looking transparent.
ANDREA
Next is a phone call because there’s more to clear out.
She winks at Dawn and heads for the house.
TOM
What phone call is she talking about? And where’s Zak? Why isn’t this done yet?
Dawn taps Big Todd and tilts her head toward the house.
BIG TODD
Painters gotta paint.
They get back to work, Dawn turns to follow.
TOM
Oh, no you don’t.
He grabs her arm. She looks at his hand.
DAWN
I most certainly do!
He let’s go.
TOM
Sorry, but we have to talk.
DAWN
Yeah, no kidding.
She lifts her sleeve, checks for welts. It wasn’t that bad.
Tom takes off his cap and runs fingers through a full head of luxurious hair. He smacks the cap on his thigh.
TOM
I can’t even deal with you. Where’s Zak?
DAWN
Oh. I guess —
Tom leaves her at the curb to find Zak.
Dawn watches hunky contractor man walk away.
DAWN
Damn you and your manly… everything.
It’s her chance to make a break for it, until she sees Tom’s bumper touching hers.
Quiet growl of frustration. Then a smile.
She takes off in the paint van.
Just as Andrea hauls bedding to add to the pile. She watches her new savior drive away.
INT. DINER – AFTERNOON
Dawn slides into a booth behind Tom’s mom who finally got lunch.
Same waiter approaches. They check in with Mom first.
WAITER
Is there anything else, honey?
MOM
If it’s okay, I’m just going to sip my tea here for a while.
WAITER
You take as long as you like.
(moving on to Dawn)
We’re all friends here.
DAWN
Boy, that’s good news. I just came from a hostile work environment.
Mom turns around.
MOM
That’s funny, I just experienced a hostile diner environment.
Dawn looks at the waitperson.
She raises her hands, all innocence.
WAITER
Not me! It was her supposed lunch companion who stormed off. Because, you know, truth.
Confused, Dawn looks to Mom for clarification.
DAWN
Was this like a blind date or something?
MOM
No. My son.
They all nod. Enough said.
DAWN
The one I’m dealing with is somebody’s son. Hadn’t really thought about that until now.
MOM
Yep, they all are.
DAWN
You don’t have a good relationship with your son? Does any man actually like his mother? Or at least not wildly suspicious and dysfunctional?
MOM
Why don’t you come over here, that way our friend will have room for another customer.
As delighted as Andrea with her cookies, Dawn switches seats.
-
Rita’s Act 3 Reaction to Midpoint
What I learned doing this assignment:
I’m wondering if the protagonist on an emotional seesaw is a rethink? Or is that not definitive enough for this point in the script?
—————————
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – MORNING
Zak and the crew unload the van.
Somber silence. Not quite a powder keg waiting to blow but polite cooperation isn’t normal for this bunch.
Zak rolls with it, literally.
INT. DAWN’S STUDY – MORNING
Dawn types away at her computer, narrates as she goes.
DAWN
Dear Tom,
(deletes)
Too friendly… Dear Mr Abernathy, I regret to inform you… that I am a total fucking fraud who lied to you and let you down. I feel like and idiot and I know you’ll never date me now, so I’ll probably die alone, but hey, I’ll most assuredly have a cat, who will starve to death or eat my carcass, either way, I don’t now nor have I ever been a painting company. So, nice knowing you. Please don’t sue me.
She drops her head onto the desk. Continues narrating without typing.
DAWN
I am an esteemed professor of psychology as you can probably tell by the stable tone of the above paragraph.
She thumps her forehead on the desk. Accidentally hits the keyboard. It makes an action noise. She straightens.
DAWN
Oh my god, it didn’t send did it?
The curser still blinks at the end of her typed tirade.
She exhales relieved and reads through her copy of their contract.
DAWN
Maybe it’s better if he fires me. Which he most assuredly will.
(straightens her spine)
I can handle that, one failure does not define who I am.
Her spine liquifies and her head hits the desk again.
DAWN
Dad’s gonna love this.
SERIES OF SCENES
Dawn avoids Abernathy all over town.
INT. POST OFFICE – MORNING
Dawn closes her PO box and flips through envelopes.
Tom gets in line at the counter. Waits. Looks around.
Dawn sees him at the same moment. He signals to her but she pretends to see someone outside.
Tom moves to follow her but three people with large packages have joined the queue and block him in.
EXT. POST OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
Dawn sprints to her car. Peels out just as Tom makes it to the parking lot.
EXT. GROCERY STORE – NIGHT
Tom sees Dawn at the deli counter and makes a beeline.
Dawn can’t fake a no-see. She waves with a friendly smile.
A half-blind OLD MAN with a squeaky cart stops right in front of him. It won’t move, wheel is stuck.
Tom can’t help himself, he straightens out and unlocks the wheel, sends the geezer on his way.
Dawn vanished.
INT. TAKE OUT JOINT – NIGHT
Dawn gathers plastic cutlery when Tom enters.
Her back is turned. He’s got her this time!
Suddenly two little brats grab his pant legs. Chase each other around his legs. Screams and giggles.
Dawn turns. Horror registers on her face.
The human mulberry bush is immobilized.
Harold appears to corral his kids. Motions to Dawn to make her move.
Mouths a silent, “thank you.”
Tom turns one way then the other, fuming. She escaped again.
-
Rita has completed Act 2
What I learned:
- I don’t really like working out of order, it scrambles my brain. I had to rearrange a bunch of scenes because it wasn’t flowing. But I think I got there, or at least close.
- Not sure the last scene is the ideal mid-point scene since the antagonist is only implied, rather than part of the scene. ??
ACT 2
INT. ABERNATHY BUILDERS OFFICE – DAY
Tom’s desk holds mounds of papers. Thick contracts. Rolls of architectural drawings stand on end in the corner.
Dawn reads through every word of a multipage contract while Tom waits. He pretends to be involved in what’s on his computer but sideways glances at her.
TOM
You only have to read the list of requirements, you know. The stuff that’s in your bid, like we discussed.
DAWN
It seems like Abernathy’s covered and it’s all in your favor. What if you fall short? Is that in here too?
Tom looks at her straight on. What are we talking about here?
TOM
If I fall short? I’m testing you out before we decide on the bigger, apartment job.
Dawn puts the papers in her lap. Also looks right at him.
DAWN
Are you, I mean is Abernathy so beyond reproach? There’s no chance of any calamity in the Abernathy world?
Tom leans back and crosses his arms.
TOM
If it does, I’ll take care of it and you’ll never even know about it.
Dawn mirrors his gesture.
DAWN
That doesn’t sound very transparent.
TOM
Ask around. Nothing to hide here.
Dawn unfolds her arms for effect, lays the papers on his desk.
DAWN
Oh really? Your body language says, “closed book” if ever there was one.
Tom, now self-conscious, unfolds his arms and stands. He snatches at the contract.
Dawn slams her palm down on the pile of papers.
He tugs.
She stands to put more weight on them.
TOM
Maybe Abernathy and Blue Dawn are not a good fit.
DAWN
I didn’t say that.
TOM
Are you signing or not?
DAWN
I can’t sign if you don’t let loose.
Tom releases his grip.
Dawn flips to the last page and scribbles her signature. Thrusts the whole wad back at him.
He gathers them and gently lays them back in front of her. Now the epitome of rational behavior.
TOM
And initial each page, please.
Dawn, scratches the bottom corner of each page, keeps her full irritated, defiant scowl focused on Tom. Practically throws the contract at him.
He holds his hand out for a handshake but…
She leaves without seeing it.
TOM
(calls after her)
Thank you.
Not at all appreciative.
DAWN
Done!
TOM
Only just started, I’m afraid.
Tom plops back in his office chair. Tips too far back. His feet hit a pile of papers and send them flying.
He grabs the table behind him, flips the printer tray into the air, busting the brackets. Blank papers float to the floor.
TOM
(mimics Dawn)
“That doesn’t sound very transparent.”
He sighs and takes care of the calamity which was his office.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – MORNING
Big house with new additions. Deck, multiple levels.
Tom and Zak circle the house, designing a plan of attack.
Dawn arrives, last one on the job.
TOM
(to Dawn)
Glad you could make it. Zak’s got the low-down.
He walks off, leaving Dawn before even a handshake.
ZAK
Whoa. Cold. Do we need couple’s counseling already?
Laughter erupts from the crew out of earshot. They all look at Dawn. Laugh harder.
DAWN
I just had a flashback to junior high.
ZAK
Nah, it’s just Todd. I keep encouraging him to go to open mic at the coffeeshop on campus.
DAWN
A comedian, is he? See, I told you I could pick ’em.
ZAK
Yeah, he’s a good balance to Crater. As in “down in the deep dark rabbit hole” if you know what I mean.
DAWN
Oh, one of those. No wonder he was using.
ZAK
But I have to say, he makes some good points.
Crater holds a horizontal paint lid, demonstrating what looks like some parabolic impossibilities for the earth’s horizon.
DAWN
Have you heard Super-dork’s story yet?
ZAK
Neverending. Typical. Estranged ex, hardly gets to see his kids. Depressed. Trying to get it together.
DAWN
Yeah, I figured. And we have to stop calling him that.
Todd yells out across the lawn as Harold brings them all buckets to sit on.
TODD
Super-dork to the rescue!
ZAK
Too late.
DAWN
And, well, Billie’s pretty obvious.
ZAK
Yeah, but all those muscles are just overcompensation for an absent father and low self esteem.
Dawn takes a step back for a good look at her student/foreman.
DAWN
Looks like my classes are being put to practical use after all.
ZAK
I’m the A student.
(claps)
Back to it!
Brushes, insults and jokes resume.
INT. BAKERY – MORNING
Dawn chats with the cashier as she buys a dozen donuts for the crew.
Laughter from a far table. Dawn looks over, smiling. She turns back quickly, grabs her purchase and makes for the door.
A man at that far table stands, it’s Dawn’s DAD (60s). He waves. Friendly face minus a few teeth. Shows his years and then some.
DAD
Dawney, over here! Come meet the boys.
Dawn sighs, puts on a fake smile and approaches the meeting of the Haggard Knights of Bullshit. Coffee is just a prop.
DAWN
Hi Dad.
DAD
Have a seat, honey. We were just–
DAWN
I’d love to but I have to get to work.
DAD
Is this the new uniform over at Allen State? They got your rolling on multicolored psychobabble now?
The Hangover High Counsel laughs way too hard.
Dawn winces.
One of the boys tips a flask, adds flavor to his coffee. Passes it to the next retired from nothing loiterer.
DAWN
Nice to meet you guys. I’ll talk to you later, Dad.
She marches out, straight back, clenched jaw.
INT. DAWN’S CAR – MORNING
Dawn pulls up to the job site, checks herself in the mirror. Red eyes. She blows her nose.
Takes a deep breath and shakes her Dad out of her.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn bounces up walkway, balancing the box of donuts.
DAWN
Good morning. I brought treats!
The crew looks ragged. Some aren’t wearing their company T’s. They drag ladders and tools through the dirt.
Except Billie, of course. She outdoes everybody. Always.
ZAK
Cool. Thanks, man… ma’am.
She scowls.
ZAK
Thanks Ms Dawn. We could use it.
Billie trots by curling two five-gallon buckets all the way.
BILLIE
A protein shake would be a lot more useful.
The other grumps muscle each other aside to get first dibs on their favorite carb-loaded sugar-spheres.
DAWN
What’s going on with these guys?
ZAK
They’re still in training. Serious manual labor is kind of a shock. Except for Billie, of course.
DAWN
Maybe it’s time for a group chat.
ZAK
Um, I don’t think —
DAWN
Round ’em up.
Zak calls everyone into a huddle by the van.
ZAK
So, this job is kind of important to Ms Dawn.
Dawn gives a look and steps in front of him.
DAWN
You all are important to me. What’s going on with this hang-dog look?
CRATER
What dog?
BILLIE
Fang dog? They have a dog?
She looks fragile for the first time, actually shrinks a little.
TODD
Wang Dog. Who told you my nickname?
They all chuckle.
HAROLD
Hang-dog. She means we are a sorry excuse, boys.
(a gallant bow)
And Miss Billie.
BILLIE
Jesus. Just get over it already. I’m a bigger man than all y’all put together.
(grabs her crotch)
Fang Hanging Wang Dog dog right here, losers. I’m sick of this ‘missy’ shit.
She loads her tool bag with a vengeance.
CRATER
You gonna let her talk to us like that, Boss Boy?
DAWN
Let’s all just take a breath.
She inhales, so as to demonstrate.
Crater lights a cigarette. He does indeed inhale.
And exhales in her face.
Dawn coughs. Waves the smoke away.
HAROLD
I do have my kids later. Can you give me a ride to the park?
TODD
Sounds more molesterish, than Super-dork. Maybe we got you all wrong.
Chuckles other than the tsk from Harold.
DAWN
What, exactly, is the problem. Let’s clear the air.
Zak’s eyes widen.
ZAK
How about we just–
CRATER
Yeah, let’s clear the air.
(blows more smoke)
When do we get paid? We’re workin’ our asses off.
DAWN
As agreed, we’re on a two-week pay cycle so–
TODD
My bills are due now, they’ve done ovulated and are ready to hemorrhage unless they get fertilized fast.
HAROLD
An interesting analogy, but I have to agree with young Henny Youngman here.
Todd, the tallest of the crew, towers over Super-dork.
TODD
What the fuck? Is that a dig, man?
(to Dawn)
Not only that, I should be gettin’ paid for the entertainment I provide. Even the Missus here is laughing every day. I brighten this enterprise more than the paint!
CRATER
If he gets a raise, then so do I!
DAWN
Nobody’s getting a raise!
This blows everyone’s lids.
Zak rubs his face, fallout expected.
CRATER
Fuck this shit.
Todd drops his brush as if it’s a mic.
Then picks it up, because it’s his brush.
DAWN
What is happening! Abernathy is going to —
Billie, Crater and Todd form the most sorry-assed parade ever assembled on a sidewalk.
HAROLD
Um, leave our checks at the paint store, I guess?
He runs after his not-friends to be the caboose to their pitiful procession.
DAWN
Do something, Boss Boy!
Zak steps into the van.
DAWN
Yes, go round them up.
He reappears with a brush and a gallon of trim paint. Hands it to Dawn. She slumps, not what she had in mind.
INT. ABERNATHY’S OFFICE – NIGHT
CHUCK ABERTNATHY (70s) knocks on the door frame to Tom’s office.
Tom snaps out of a blank stare.
CHUCK
I recognize that look. Subs giving you trouble?
TOM
Trying out somebody new. Not sure it’s going to work out.
CHUCK
Who is it? Do they need a pep talk from the old man?
TOM
It’s a painter. You don’t know her.
CHUCK
Her? Be careful son. Those women have a way of running you right into the ground before you even know were digging a hole.
TOM
I know, Dad. But we need a painter over on Charleston and she’s available.
Chuck sits down.
CHUCK
Available for what exactly?
Tom stands.
TOM
Okay, you’re onto me, alright. I’m checking to see if she’s trustworthy.
CHUCK
Not sure there is such a thing in that species.
TOM
She’s not Mom. Let’s get dinner.
He grabs his hat.
CHUCK
All I got to say is pre-nup. I barely saved this business from going under, as you well know. You’d be —
TOM
Running a forklift in a warehouse, I know the story.
CHUCK
Watch out is all I’m saying. Women have all manner of crafty means of distraction. We’ve got three generations in this business, don’t blow it on some little minx.
TOM
It’s one job. That’s it.
(waves papers)
There’s a contract. Let’s go.
He slaps Chuck on the shoulder on his way out.
Chuck eyeballs the papers.
CHUCK
Blue Dawn. Sounds shady to me.
EXT. ABERNATHY PROJECT – MORNING
Dawn paints a low window trim while Zak paints high.
DAWN
This will take us forever without the others. Call me The Tortoise.
ZAK
Slow and steady. Can’t say your not a painter now. I said I’s make an honest woman of you.
DAWN
Tell that to Mr Hunky Contractor. He wants this done by Friday.
ANDREA (50s) the homeowner calls to them from the deck. She’s college town upper crust, stylish even for a day at home.
ANDREA
Is it just you two today? I made a bunch of scones if you’d like some.
DAWN
That was thoughtful of you, I suppose we could take a short break but —
Zak slides down the ladder, ready to chow.
ANDREA
Where’s everyone else? I kind of miss the sound of laughter.
Zak looks at Dawn. Makes a point of filling his mouth with scone.
DAWN
Well, we’re going to keep at it but —
Zak swallows a big gulp. Chokes and coughs.
Dawn slaps his back.
ZAK
Yes, ma’am we’ll get it done for you. The crew just had to take care of another obligation today.
DAWN
Doesn’t your husband work at the college? I just saw him briefly yesterday but he looks familiar.
ANDREA
Yes, he works long hours over there, even in the summer. Financial office. That leaves me with a lot of time on my hands. So… we eat well.
Zak and Dawn exchange a knowing look, typical lonely college wife.
ZAK
Oh yeah, now I remember. I talked to him about what it would take for me to finish my degree.
DAWN
Zak’s an art major.
Andrea brightens.
ANDREA
I was too! Will you graduate this year?
ZAK
Gotta make some tuition money. Thanks for the scones.
He takes one with him and gets back to work.
Andrea pours tea into a cup, looks hopeful.
Dawn takes a seat at the patio table, sensing she needs a friendly ear.
They chat while a lone man works on a big house, on a street of bigger houses.
EXT. DAWN’S HOUSE – EVENING
Abernathy rolls up on Dawn cleaning brushes with the hose. She’s beat after a long day.
DAWN
Oh, great. Frosting on the fallen cake.
She meets him halfway down the driveway.
TOM
Cute place. Spanish cottage vibe.
DAWN
I’m guessing you don’t pay visits to all your subs.
Dawn drops her head and runs her dripping wrist across her forehead, waiting for the hammer to drop. The hose splashes Tom’s shirt.
TOM
(laughs)
No, you’re special, that’s for sure.
Dawn looks up at him, surprised and confused.
DAWN
Did you talk to the homeowner?
His expression darkens.
TOM
Yes I did.
Here it comes. Dawn straightens her spine ready to take it.
DAWN
Listen, I know we had a rough–
TOM
To be honest, I went over there to find fault in your work. I know, I’m not proud, but I can be a perfectionist, or so I’ve been told.
DAWN
So, what do you want to do?
TOM
Well, that’s why I’m here.
He looks down. Hands dig into his pockets. Fidgets.
DAWN
Am I fired?
TOM
What? No! I’m trying to work up the nerve to ask you out.
Dawn’s jaw drops.
DAWN
After going to the job site? After, you know…
TOM
I have to apologize for my behavior at the office. I recognize that I get a little defensive sometimes. It’s the business. There are a lot of marginal personalities in the construction world.
DAWN
Right, the office. Well, me too. I should know better. Truce?
They shake. That’s settled.
TOM
So after Mrs Smith was singing your praises, she can’t say enough good things, even though by my schedule the work is going a little slow.
He gauges her reaction with a direct look.
DAWN
Well, yeah, about that–
TOM
But if the homeowner is happy, that’s the biggest hurdle. That seems to be your strong suit.
DAWN
Slow but happy. We sound like a special needs operation.
TOM
It’s just that at my level of the business, I have to deal with timelines and developers don’t care about feelings.
DAWN
So, we are fired.
TOM
Well. Yes.
DAWN
Thank God.
TOM
That’s a better reaction than I expected. Did you maybe have the same idea as I did?
Dawn looks at him sideways.
DAWN
Maybe.
TOM
If we’re going to see each other, you know, I mean like… date.
It finally dawns on Dawn.
DAWN
Right! You don’t want to complicate things. I get it now.
TOM
So, how about next Friday? You will be done with the job by then, won’t you?
DAWN
I think so, yes.
TOM
Great. I wasn’t sure you would–
He backs away toward his truck. Trips over the hose.
She directs the spray near him, barely sprinkles his boots.
They wave. Goofy smiles.
DAWN
Slow but happy.
Dawn spins around, waters flowers and grass in a much better mood.
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
Abernathy blasts through the front door, unusually cheerful.
Frank and his clerk give each a look. Blue Dawn.
FRANK
Hey, Tom. What can I–
TOM
You recommended her but now —
FRANK
Hold on. I didn’t recommend anybody. You did that on your own.
Tom is taken aback, unused to being stood up to and by a four-eyed shorty, no less.
TOM
Didn’t you say —
FRANK
Nope.
TOM
But…
Frank gives him a raised eyebrow, waits.
FRANK
All I said is that she works at the college. You took it from there.
Tom rubs his face.
TOM
I did, didn’t I?
Clerk in the back nods emphatically plus draws curves in the air with his hands.
FRANK
She was just buying paint until she got a look at you.
Tom smiles. Just a little. It fades fast.
TOM
Wait. Are you telling me she’s like an office worker over there?
FRANK
Professor.
(grips Tom’s shoulder)
Of psychology.
Tom’s jaw drops. He shudders just a little.
TOM
But she said she was a company. Which was a lie! Was it all a lie?
Frank shrugs.
FRANK
I know her about as well as you do but she sure seems to be good with people. She gets a new paint job every time she comes in here.
TOM
But she’s a phony.
FRANK
Head office gave her an account so that’s real. LLC and everything.
TOM
Great. Dad’s gonna love this.
FRANK
No “happily ever after” I take it?
But Tom mutters fuming curses all the way out the door.
EXT. PAINT STORE – LATER
Frank hauls garbage to the dumpster. Sees Dawn talking to another customer. She waves, even more cheery than usual.
DAWN
Hi Frank, how’s it going.
FRANK
I guess you get it straightened out with Tom?
DAWN
I believe we did! Dinner next Friday.
FRANK
Really? Wow, you are smooth. Even after he found out the truth?
Dawn’s sun turns to clouds.
DAWN
What truth? When?! Frank?
FRANK
(shrugs)
It’s a small town. People talk.
DAWN
“People” huh? You guys are worse than professors with the gossip!
Dawn paces.
FRANK
You have other jobs, even if he pulls you off the Smith house.
She clutches his shoulders.
DAWN
I was pulling this off and
DAWN
(surprises herself)
kind of enjoying it actually. I can’t get fired! What do I do now?
FRANK
Keep your head down and go finish the job?
She goes back to pacing.
DAWN
Brilliant! He can’t fire me if we’re finished.
She makes a break for it.
Frank rubs his shoulder. Lifts his sleeve to see nail marks.
EXT. SMITH HOUSE – DAY
Tom pulls up to a two-person crew, one of them pretending.
Dawn sees him and bolts to the back yard, up the deck and…
INT. SMITH HOUSE – CONTINUOUS
She ducks into the family room just off the kitchen where Andrea cooks dinner, separated only by a partial wall. One chat does not warrant a home invasion.
ANDREA
Hi, Honey. Dinner’s almost ready.
Uninvited entry plus nosy contractor, now Dawn has to avoid two people. She tiptoes through but hears footsteps.
HUSBAND approaches from their bedroom.
HUSBAND
What’s that? Did you say something?
Make that three. Dawn slides behind a bookcase, getting more untrustworthy by the second.
Husband makes it to the kitchen but now Tom is on the deck. He squints upward, surveying the work.
Tom knocks on the sliding door, peers in with hands shielding reflections on the glass.
Dawn ducks behind the couch, just in time.
Husband greets Tom, slides opens the door…
Goes outside to talk.
Dawn relaxes. Thank God!
Kitchen noises.
Dawn goes back to stealth mode. She crawls toward the front of the house.
Andrea retrieves a jar from the pantry.
Dawn freezes in full sight.
Husband starts to open sliding door but Tom keeps talking.
Andrea turns up some music.
Dawn jumps to her feet, sprints to the front door. Her footsteps covered only by the radio.
Door won’t open. She fumbles with a complicated lock, plus there’s an alarm key pad. She panics.
No place to hide! She goes for it and swings the front door open, slams it shut as the alarm goes off.
EXT. ABERNATHY PROJECT
Dawn breaks the land speed record and peels out in the van while the men circle the house to see what tripped the alarm.
Zak had a good view of Dawn’s escape from a high ladder.
He covers with a shrug when the men look up at him.
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dawn sit’s on the couch, stares at the wall.
DOORBELL.
Dawn lets Zak in.
ZAK
We need to talk.
DAWN
I agree.
ZAK
I can’t do this —
DAWN
I can’t do this.
ZAK
… Alone.
DAWN
I can’t do this at all. Obviously. We have to pull the plug. I need to come clean.
ZAK
I talked to the guys. They’re coming back. Just hold on and we’ll finish this house. Then we’ll figure out what’s next.
DAWN
Nothing is next. Certainly no date. It’s not fair to Tom. I lied.
ZAK
As for the job, maybe you can just keep yourself busy. You kind of set them off.
DAWN
Me? What did I do?
ZAK
It’s a sensitive bunch. I know the stereotypes but everyone in construction is highly emotional. Fragile, porcelain dolls on the inside.
DAWN
I thought we were actually doing it but we can’y keep this up. I feel awful. I don’t normally tell fibs let alone a giant charade like this.
Zak, looses his cool. Finally.
ZAK
Come on! Don’t you get it? This isn’t a charade. The universe is trying to tell you something.
DAWN
Turn up the volume please so I can hear the message because I blew an opportunity for a decent man. I have to ask how many times before was I the weak link?
ZAK
Just steer clear of the job for a few days. Please.
DAWN
Gladly. You’ll have to break the news to Mrs Smith. She’s lonely.
ZAK
(on his way out)
Exactly.
DAWN
What’s that supposed–
Not quite a slam of the door, but it’s a hard case closed.
Dawn plops back down on the couch. Hugs her knees. Topples over onto her side, her most useful action at the moment.
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Rita’s Act 2 TP – Midpoint
What I learned doing this assignment:
I’m not sure this is actually the midpoint scene since the midpoint is usually two main characters together but mine is the main character avoiding her antagonist, which leads him to the truth. It does change the trajectory but not sure about it changing the meaning.
TE10
EXT. ABERNATHY CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – MORNING
Midpoint Turning Point
BEGINNING: Abernathy finds a two person crew with more work than they can handle.
MIDDLE: Dawn ducks out so she won’t be confronted.
END: Abernathy turns detective. The scheme is unraveling.
TE11
INT. PAINT STORE – DAY
BEGINNING: Abernathy asks questions of the staff.
MIDDLE: He learns that up until this summer, Dawn has only ever been an academic.
END: She lied!
—————-
EXT. ABERNATHY PROJECT – EVENING
Tom pulls up to find a barely competent, two-person crew.
Dawn sees him and bolts to the back yard, up the deck and…
INT. ABERNATHY PROJECT – CONTINUOUS
She ducks into the family room just off the kitchen where ANDREA (50s) cooks dinner, separated only by a partial wall. Practically a home invasion.
ANDREA
Hi, Honey. Dinner’s almost ready.Uninvited entry plus nosy contractor, now Dawn has to avoid two people. She tiptoes through but hears footsteps.
HUSBAND approaches from their bedroom.
HUSBAND
What’s that? Did you say something?Make that three. Dawn slides behind a bookcase, getting more untrustworthy by the second.
Husband makes it to the kitchen but now Tom is on the deck. He squints upward, surveying the work.
Tom knocks on the sliding door, peers in with hands shielding reflections on the glass.
Dawn ducks behind the couch, just in time.
Husband greets Tom, slides opens the door…
Goes outside to talk.
Dawn relaxes. Thank God!
Kitchen noises.
Dawn goes back to stealth mode. She crawls toward the front of the house.
Andrea retrieves a jar from the pantry.
Dawn freezes in full sight.
Husband starts to open sliding door but Tom keeps talking.
Andrea turns up some music.
Dawn jumps to her feet, sprints to the front door. Her footsteps covered only by the radio.
Door is locked. She fumbles with a complicated lock, plus there’s an alarm key pad. She panics.
No place to hide! She goes for it and swings the front door open, slams it shut as the alarm goes off.
EXT. ABERNATHY PROJECT
Dawn breaks the land speed record and peels out in the van while the men circle the house to see what tripped the alarm.
Zak had a good view of Dawn’s escape from a high ladder.
He covers with a shrug when the men look up at him.
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
Abernathy stomps through the front door, none too happy.
Frank and his clerk give each other the look. Contractors!
FRANK
Hey, Tom. What can I–TOM
You recommended her but now —
FRANK
Hold on. I didn’t recommend anybody. You did that on your own.
Tom is taken aback, unused to being stood up to and by a four-eyed shorty, no less.
TOM
Didn’t you say —
FRANK
Nope.
TOM
But…
Frank gives him a raised eyebrow, waits.
FRANK
All I said is that she works at the college. You took it from there.
Tom rubs his face.
TOM
I did, didn’t I?
Clerk in the back nods emphatically plus draws curves in the air with his hands.
FRANK
She was just buying paint until she got a look at you.
Tom smiles. Just a little. It fades fast.
TOM
Are you telling me she’s like an office worker over there?
FRANK
Professor.(grips Tom’s shoulder)
Of psychology.
Tom’s jaw drops. He shudders just a little.
TOM
But then she said she was a company. Which was a lie! Was it all a lie?
Frank shrugs.
FRANK
I know her about as well as you do but she sure seems to be good with people. She gets a new job paint job every time she comes in here.TOM
So, we know she’s a phony.
FRANK
Head office gave her an account so that’s real. LLC and everything.
But Tom mutters fuming curses already on his way out the door.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Rita Roberts.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by
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Rita’s Act 2 Middle Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment:
It’s kind of ridiculous to continue to think this will be hard. The scenes flow, whether or not they’re any good at this point.
INT. ABERNATHY’S OFFICE – DAY
Plan in action
BEGINNING: Dawn signs a contract with Abernathy Builders
MIDDLE: A lot of trust and responsibility in now on her ramshackle crew.
Abernathy’s attraction to Dawn makes him ignore his concern about what he sees in the crew.
EXT. ABERNATHY CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: The emotional fragility of the crew goes into full gear.
MIDDLE: Major breakdown. None of Dawn’s psychology knowledge works. (theme — she’s gotta ditch everything she’s been taught)
END: Everybody but Zak walks off the job.
———————————-
INT. ABERNATHY BUILDERS OFFICE – DAY
Tom’s desk holds mounds of papers. Thick contracts. Rolls and rolls of architectural drawings stand on end in the corner.
Dawn reads through every word of a multipage contract while Tom waits. He pretends to be involved in what’s on his computer but sideways glances at her.
TOM
You only have to read the list of requirements, you know. The stuff that’s in your bid, like we discussed.
DAWN
It seems like Abernathy’s covered and it’s all in your favor. What if you fall short? Is that in here too?
Tom looks at her straight on. Are we talking about painting?
TOM
If I fall short? We’re testing you out before we decide on the bigger, apartment job.
Dawn puts the papers in her lap. Also looks right at him.
DAWN
Yeah, are you, I mean is Abernathy so beyond reproach? There’s no chance of any calamity in the Abernathy world?
Tom leans back and crosses his arms.
TOM
If it does, I’ll take care of it and you’ll never even know about it.
Dawn mirrors his gesture.
DAWN
That doesn’t sound very transparent.
TOM
Ask around. Nothing to hide here.
Dawn unfolds her arms for effect, lays the papers on his desk.
DAWN
Oh really? Your body language says, closed book if ever there was one.
Tom, now self-conscious, unfolds his arms and stands. He snatches at the contract.
Dawn slams her palm down on the pile of papers.
He tugs.
She stands to put more weight on them.
TOM
Maybe Abernathy and Blue Dawn are not a good fit.
DAWN
I didn’t say that.
TOM
Are you signing or not?
DAWN
I can’t sign if you don’t let loose.
Tom releases his grip.
Dawn flips to the last page and scribbles her signature. Thrusts the whole wad back at him.
He gathers them and gently lays them back in front of her. Now the epitome of rational behavior.
TOM
And initial each page, please.
Dawn, scratches the bottom corner of each page, keeps her full irritated, defiant scowl focused on Tom.
Practically throws the contract at him.
He holds his hand out for a shake to open are but…
She leaves without seeing it.
TOM
(calls after her)
Thank you.
Not at all appreciative.
DAWN
Done!
TOM
Only just started, I’m afraid.
Tom plops back in his office chair. Tips too far back. His feet hit a pile of papers and send them flying.
He grabs the table behind him, flips the printer tray into the air, busting the brackets. Blank papers float to the floor.
TOM
(mimics Dawn)
“That doesn’t sound very transparent.”He sighs and takes care of the calamity which was his office.
EXT. ABERNATHY PROJECT – MORNING
Dawn arrives on site. It’s a big house with new additions. Deck, multiple levels.
The crew is already there. Tom and Zak circle the house, making a plan of attack.
The others look ragged. Some aren’t wearing their company T’s. They drag ladders and tools through the dirt.
Except Billie, of course. She outdoes everybody. Always.
TOM
(to Dawn)
Glad you could make it. Zak’s got the low-down.
He walks off, leaving Dawn before even a handshake.
ZAK
Whoa. Cold. Do we need couple’s counseling already?
DAWN
Never mind him, what going on with these guys?
ZAK
They’re still in training. Serious manual labor is kind of a shock. Except for Billie, of course.
Billie trots by curling two five-gallon buckets all the way.
DAWN
Maybe it’s time for a group chat.
ZAK
Um, I don’t think —
DAWN
Round ’em up.
Zak calls everyone into a huddle by the van.
ZAK
So, this job is kind of important to Ms Dawn.
Dawn gives a look and steps in front of him.
DAWN
You all are important to me. What’s going on with this hang-dog look?
CRATER
What dog?
BILLIE
Fang dog? They have a dog?
She looks fragile for the first time, actually shrinks a little.
TODD
Wang dog. Who told you my nickname?They all chuckle.
HAROLD
Hang-dog. She means we are a sorry excuse, boys.
(a gallant bow)
And Miss Billie.
BILLIE
Jesus. Just get over it already.
BILLIE
I’m a bigger man than all y’all put together.
(grabs her crotch)Fang Hanging Wang Dog dog right here, losers. I’m sick of this ‘missy’ shit.
She loads her tool bag with a vengeance.
CRATER
You gonna let her talk to us like that, Boss Boy?
DAWN
Let’s all just take a breath.
She inhales, so as to demonstrate.
Crater lights a cigarette. He does inhale, though. And exhales in her face.
Dawn coughs. Waves the smoke away.
HAROLD
I do have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. Could you give me a ride later?DAWN
What, exactly, is the problem. Let’s clear the air.
Zak’s eyes widen.
ZAK
How about we just–
CRATER
Yeah, let’s clear the air.
(blows more smoke)When do we get paid? We’re workin’ our asses off.
DAWN
As agreed, we’re on a two-week pay cycle so–
TODD
My bills are due now, they’ve done ovulated and are ready to hemorrhage unless they get fertilized fast.HAROLD
An interesting analogy, but I have to agree with young Henny Youngman here.
Todd, the tallest of the crew, towers over Super-dork.
TODD
What the fuck? Is that a dig, man?
(to Dawn)
Not only that, I should be gettin’ paid for the entertainment I provide. Even the Missus at the other house was laughing every day. I brighten this enterprise more than the paint!CRATER
If he gets a raise, then so do I!
DAWN
Nobody’s getting a raise!
This blows everybody’s lids.
Zak rubs his face, fallout expected.
CRATER
Fuck this shit.
Todd drops his brush as if it’s a mic.
Then picks it up, because it’s his brush.
DAWN
What is happening! This can’t be happening! Abernathy is going to —Billie, Crater and Todd form the most sorry-assed parade ever assembled on a sidewalk.
HAROLD
Um, leave our checks at the paint store, I guess?He runs after his not-friends to be the caboose to their pitiful procession.
DAWN
Do something, Boss Boy!Zak reaches into the van. Hands Dawn a brush and a gallon of trim paint.
-
Act 2 Reaction to TP 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
“Emotional reaction” can have many meanings. It’s not necessarily an outburst but maybe just an uncharacteristic action or a choice which contradicts what the protagonist declared at the end of Act 1. Which I had to change so that this scene would be a switch-up.
Using your Beat Sheet, outline Key Scene 1.
TE4
INT. HARDWARE STORE – DAY
New plan
BEGINNING: Dawn can’t stop now, business is booming and she’s enjoying it… until Abernathy throws a damper on her new sense of self when he corners her in the tool section,
MIDDLE: asks professional questions she can bluff her way through without Zak, but just barely.
END: Feeling like she might have blown her imposter cover, she buys the work van to bolster her professional image.
——————————
INT. HARDWARE STORE – DAY
Dawn loads up a basket of basic tools. She considers a saw, gives it a test run in the air. As she saws away at nothing…
Tom appears at the end of the aisle. He approaches.
TOM
Is there an invisible magician’s assistant to saw in half?
Dawn jumps and drops the saw, which lands on the blade and rebounds toward Tom’s shin.
He takes the hit. Winces but plays tough.
DAWN
Oh my god, never sneak up on a woman with a blade!TOM
Noted. I’m glad I ran into you, I mean, until you threatened a lower limb amputation.
DAWN
I’m so sorry.TOM
I was going to see if there’s room in your schedule to give me a bid on the apartment building going up on highway six.DAWN
You mean the whole thing?TOM
Thirty-six units. Two-tone.DAWN
The inside of the apartments?Tom cocks his head, a little confused by this exchange.
TOM
Yes? And the hallways. The full interior. I can give you the drawings.DAWN
Not the outside?TOM
The exterior is pro-panel.Dawn nods slowly. She doesn’t speak construction lingo.
DAWN
Okaaay.TOM
So, you’ll give me a bid?Dawn picks up more random tools as if she’s still so busy and needs to get back to work.
DAWN
I’ll have to check my schedule.TOM
No problem. I have the drawings in my pickup outside.
DAWN
Okay, I’ll find you.
She rushes toward the checkout. Can’t get away from this conversation fast enough.
INT. HARDWARE STORE ENTRANCE – DAY
Dawn lingers by the window, watching Tom in his pickup.
He waits. Drums his fingers on the steering wheel. Scans the storefront to see if she’s coming.
Dawn ducks behind a display shelf.
DAWN
Geez, this guy just doesn’t give up!She takes a deep breath, puts on her breezy, confident professor facade and activates the automatic door.
Greets the farmer going in like they’re old friends.
He reciprocates, tips his hat, albeit confused.
She waves at Tom and heads toward the truck.
EXT. INSURANCE OFFICE – DAY
Dawn pulls up in the white work van and heads inside with new title in hand.
Blue Dawn door magnet from Zak’s truck has been repositioned on the side panel.
-
Rita’s Finished Act 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
- Call backs and foreshadowing are showing up on their own.
- Unknown reasons, like, “why is there a character called Crater?” will reveal themselves at the perfect structural moments.
FADE IN:
INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM – MORNING
Tiered lecture hall is packed. Students sit awake and engaged. Several hands raise.
DAWN (30s) a breezy and understated pretty professor, turns toward her rapt audience. Small but in charge of her familiar environment. She points to STUDIOUS GIRL in the front row.
STUDIOUS GIRL
What will you be reading this summer Ms Dawn?
Several students get their pens ready for a hefty list.
DAWN
To tell you the truth, I think I might give my brain a break. Maybe do some home improvements.
Studious Girl’s pen drops in disappointment.
ZAK (20) who looks more like a surfer than a psychology student, volunteers.
ZAK
Need any help? I’m good with a paintbrush. And a hammer.
SMARTASS in the back pipes up.
SMARTASS
Good at getting hammered.
Chuckles from most seats. Studious Girl rolls her eyes.
Dawn ignores all of it.
DAWN
Just remember, the most important aspect for mental health is honesty and engagement. Find your passions and spend your summer pursuing them.
(directed at Zak)
Whatever they are.
Zak shoots her back a thumbs up and a nod.
DAWN
See you next semester!
The class files out but Zak barrels down the steps toward her like a happy puppy.
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
Dawn slides fabric swatches across the counter. Dark blue, light blue and other blues.
FRANK, the store manager (50s) looks at her with magnified eyes through thick glasses. Even he can see that she might need a little variety in her life.
FRANK
Do you maybe want a warm accent?
DAWN
I have it all planned.
(points to one swatch)
Just a quart of this one.
Frank waves the swatches at his clerk with a look while Dawn browses the painter’s pants.
FRANK
(to clerk)
The psychology professor looks like she wants to be depressed.
DAWN
Can I try these on? Might as well look the part, right?
Dawn heads for…
INT. PAINT STORE BATHROOM – DAY
Dawn admires the fit. Turns and twists to see the back view.
DAWN
Not bad. Maybe I’m a closet blue collar girl.
She flings the yoga pants she wore in over her shoulder.
MUFFLED VOICES pass through the closed door. Friendly banter of working men.
Dawn wrestles with the stuck door to get out.
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
A tall, sturdy man, TOM ABERNATHY (40s) whose wardrobe says construction wear model, slaps Frank on the back. They both laugh. He turns the noise.
Rattles from the bathroom door gets louder.
Tom steps up to the rescue.
Dawn frees herself and tumbles out, just as Tom reaches the door. He wears a collared shirt with a contractor’s logo. Astute, he eyes Dawn looking good in her painter’s whites.
Dawn registers the presence of testosterone and quickly shoves her sweat pants into her bag.
TOM
You’re new. Are you holding out on me, Frank?
FRANK
No, I… she just —
Dawn nervously moves past Tom. He follows as she grabs random tools and some tape. Slaps them down on the counter.
Adds a can of turpentine to look cool.
FRANK
I don’t think you’re gonna need —
Dawn moves in to pay.
Frank shrugs and loads her purchases into a box.
TOM
My painter just bailed on me. Are you reliable?
DAWN
Me? Of course, I work over at the Allen State.
TOM
You won that bid? Wow, good for you. They’re doing a lot of renovation over there this summer.
Frank opens his mouth to interject but Zak charges through the door. His painter’s whites are already smeared with various colors.
ZAK
Sorry I’m late!
TOM
(to Dawn)
Typical, am I right? Just be glad he showed up.
DAWN
Yeah, I know what you mean. But Zak’s always comes through.
Zak beams. At everybody.
ZAK
Are these yours? I’ll load ’em up.
He takes paint cans out to her car.
TOM
Maybe I can come by and see your work. I a have new house that’s about ready for finish work.
He hands her a card.
TOM
What’s your schedule look like?
DAWN
I um…
FRANK
No, she works at the college.
TOM
Yeah, I bid that job for drywall but Curley got it.
FRANK
No, I mean she —
Dawn cuts him off, offers Tom a handshake.
DAWN
Nice to meet you. I um…
She scans the showroom for what to say next.
Frank puts her blue fabric swatches in a bag for her. A sunrise poster hangs behind the counter.
DAWN
Blue… Dawn… Blue Dawn Painting. That’s me.
Frank stands immobilized. Stares at Dawn, dumbfounded.
A quart of blue paint rolls off the counter, hits the floor.
Tom pulls out his phone.
TOM
What’s your number?
(typing)
Blue. Dawn…
Dawn waves his card.
DAWN
I’ll hit you up when I get a break in the schedule.
TOM
Great! We need a new paint company around here. Glad I stopped in. See you later, Frank.
Zak holds the door open for Tom.
ZAK
Have an awesome day, man.
TOM
You too, buddy.
(to Dawn)
This one’s a keeper. Treat him right.
ZAK
I always get an A+ from Ms Dawn.
Tom gives Zak a friendly punch on his way out.
Frank eyes Dawn as he rings up her bill.
FRANK
Are we starting an account here, Blue Dawn?
Dawn doubles over onto the counter.
DAWN
What did I just do?
ZAK
What did you do?
FRANK
You just told the biggest builder in town that you’re a painting company.
ZAK
We are? Cool!
(fist bumps with Frank)
Follow your passion, dude.
FRANK
That sounds about right.
DAWN
Please don’t rat me out.
Frank shakes his head.
FRANK
I’m just here to sell paint.
DAWN
I’ll figure out a way to explain whatever happened here.
FRANK
As far as I know, you have a crew somewhere waiting for you.
ZAK
Nice. Can I be the foreman?
He pulls out his phone and thumbs away.
Dawn hands Tom’s card to Frank.
DAWN
Take it. There’s no way —
Zak slumps in a rare frown as pathetic as a golden retriever waiting for someone, anyone to pick up his ball.
ZAK
Aw, so I’m not a foreman? I already texted my mom.
Dawn snatches the card back.
DAWN
Maybe he’ll see it as endearing.
FRANK
I’ve known Tom a long time. I’ve seen him fire guys for less. Just look at his card.
Zak takes the card from Dawn and reads.
ZAK
“Abernathy Builders. Honesty. Integrity. Passion.” Hey, just like your last lecture!
DAWN
Great. Perfect. I blew it. Give me that!
She shoves the card in her stiff new, white painter’s pocket and stomps out. Zak follows, loyal companion that he is or hopes to be.
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – DAY
Dawn and her one-man crew, Zak, move furniture away from the walls of her living room.
DAWN
I’ll pay you extra if you promise not to tell any other students what happened. Or where I live.
ZAK
I know lots of teachers who paint houses in the summer for some extra cash. How do you think I know what a five-in-one is?
(or some other tool)
DAWN
I really appreciate your help. I’m not exactly the physical labor type.
ZAK
Yeah, you’re too much in your head.
Dawn leans on the arm of the couch, somewhat menacing.
DAWN
What do you mean, too much?
ZAK
Whoa, don’t take offense. You’re all about intellect whereas I…
(lifts his end of the couch)
Am all about the spiritual.
DAWN
What are you taking my classes for anyway? Aren’t you an art major?
ZAK
Art is a representation of the human condition. What good is art if you don’t know anything about people? For that matter, what good is psychology if you don’t know people?
He gestures around her one-person cottage.
ZAK
No offense.
DAWN
Plenty of offense taken. I know people.
ZAK
Riiiight.
DAWN
Your A+ is looking pretty shaky right about now.
ZAK
I’m just saying, if you don’t mind me saying —
DAWN
It’s highly likely that I do.
ZAK
That construction dude was into you. You didn’t need to pretend you own a painting company. But it’s cool that you do now! I know some guys I can hook you up with. We’ll knock out a few houses this summer and I’ll be able to pay for tuition in the fall after all.
DAWN
After all?
Zak’s demeanor goes dark for just a moment.
ZAK
It’s nothing, just some family stuff. Hang on, I’ll get my gear.
He runs out to his truck.
DAWN
Gear. I don’t have gear. A painting company would have gear.
Zak reappears and unfurls a drop cloth with a flourish.
ZAK
Let’s paint!
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – LATER
Zak rolls the last section of blue onto a previously non-blue wall.
Dawn drops, exhausted, into the couch. She immediately catapults back up, inspects her pants which are now loaded with blue splotches.
DAWN
Shit! Did I just ruin my couch?
ZAK
Never underestimate the necessity of a drop cloth. That’s what my gym teacher always used to say.
Dawn opts for a step ladder to sit and inspect their work.
DAWN
This looks damned good!
ZAK
I told you. Now maybe you’ll believe I’m a no-bullshit kinda dude. Sorry, bull crap. I get a roller in my hand and proper vocab goes out the window.
Dawn waves it off.
DAWN
You’re coming back in the morning, right? What kind of pastries do you like?
Zak sits on a paint can facing her, suddenly all serious.
ZAK
Listen Ms Dawn, I gotta make some serious cash this summer so I can’t —
DAWN
No! You can’t bail on me now.
ZAK
I’m not bailing. I mean, we can actually do this thing.
DAWN
I know! My house will be beautiful.
ZAK
Think bigger. If you can spot the expenses until we get going, after a couple of houses…
(rubs his fingers together)
…we’ll be rolling in it.
DAWN
I don’t follow. What houses?
ZAK
You’ve already got a direct line to the biggest contractor in town.
DAWN
Abernathy? Yeah, I’m not calling him. He’ll think I’m an idiot.
ZAK
Not if we show up with a crew.
DAWN
You and I do not a crew make. I don’t know anyone, as you’ve already pointed out multiple times.
ZAK
But I do. You get your hunky date —
DAWN
Please tell me did not just say hunky.
ZAK
You get a night out with every woman’s rugged hottie dream-man.
DAWN
Until he finds out I’m a liar.
ZAK
That’s just it. I’m gonna make an honest woman out of you.
Dawn flings a paint rag at him.
DAWN
This town runs on rumors and they all start at Allen State. People already whisper about how you always run up to me after class with your little tail wagging.
ZAK
So throw me a bone. You’re teachable, Teach.
Zak FWAPS her pants with his blue-loaded brush.
She returns the favor with the underside of a paint lid right on his butt. A navy-colored circle.
DAWN
More like Blue Moon Painting.
ZAK
Woohoo! We’re open for business.
DAWN
I didn’t say that.
ZAK
You didn’t not say that.
He stacks his tools in a corner, folds the drop cloths.
Dawn rests her chin on her hand. She laughs and raises her t-shirt to wipe blue off her chin.
Zak notices. There’s a womanly shape after all under her shapeless professor wardrobe.
EXT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn shuffles out to the curb in slippers and bathrobe dragging the trash bin. Not only shapeless but disheveled.
Quiet morning. She stretches and yawns. Birds chirp until…
A blast of MUSIC increases in volume as it gets closer.
Zak pulls up with a pickup load of ladders, poles, buckets.
He unloads everything almost before he throws it into park. It’s a sudden blur of activity.
ZAK
I figured with a name like Dawn… I would’ve called first but I don’t have your number. Neither does Mr Tom. Not yet anyway.
Dawn hugs her bathrobe closed. Smooths her hair. Drops her glasses. Fumbles around in the grass looking for them.
DAWN
Listen, Zak, I don’t see how —
But he’s already hauling things into the house.
DAWN
Zak, hold on!
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn finds him in the bedroom moving furniture.
DAWN
Hey, just come on in.
ZAK
We’ve run into a slight set back.
DAWN
Really? I couldn’t tell.
ZAK
None of my usual guys are available. They’re our competition.
DAWN
It’s just as well. You can get a job with them, right?
ZAK
No way. I gave my word. We’re doing this, Blue Dawn. Rule #2, integrity.
He holds up a paint-loaded roller and goes to it.
DAWN
Yeah, we’re doing this.
(gestures at the walls)
But then we go back to reality.
ZAK
You underestimate yourself Ms Dawn.
Dawn straightens up, offended.
DAWN
You’re going to analyze me now?
ZAK
Everybody does, underestimates themselves, I mean. Do you like how your life is going?
DAWN
I love teaching.
ZAK
Teaching isn’t life. It’s temporary people conveyer-belting through. They’re here, then they’re gone.
DAWN
Promise?
ZAK
Is that what you like?
She sits on the bed, then quickly switches to the armchair. There’s a male student in her bedroom for God’s sake!
She stands.
DAWN
I should get dressed.
ZAK
Yeah, get with it Boss Lady.
Dawn can’t help but smile. Boss Lady sounds good.
She grabs her white pants, sighs and drags them to her study.
INT. DAWN’S STUDY – MORNING
It’s really an extra bedroom with a desk. She unfolds her whites and slides one leg in, removes it, wads the pants and throws them in a corner like they’ve done her wrong.
She looks through the closet. Books. Shirts. No pants.
DAWN
This is so insane. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
She grabs the whites again and yanks them on.
DAWN
I was perfectly fine yesterday. Just a normal professor planning her summer. Then some guy changes my whole life? How pathetic is that?
She finds a ratty, old, over-sized shirt. Drags it over her head. Momentum dissipates. She slumps into her computer chair to cry.
DAWN
What is happening?
Tears start. An inordinate amount of bawling.
Zak appears in the doorway, concerned.
ZAK
Whoa, what’s happening?
Dawn pulls it together, wipes her nose.
DAWN
I don’t know! I’m just…
She pretends to look for something in the closet. Far inside.
ZAK
It’s okay to have feelings, you know.
DAWN
I know! I told you that last semester.
ZAK
So, have some.
SILENCE.
Zak sits on the floor next to the closet.
INDISCERNIBLE MUMBLES.
Zak waits.
DAWN
(loud)
I can’t do this, okay?
ZAK
Sure you can. You can do anything.
She crawls far enough to poke her snot covered face out to look at him.
DAWN
Why would you say that?
He hands her a paint rag. She blows her nose.
ZAK
I just feel it.
DAWN
Feel what?
ZAK
How amazing you are.
DAWN
Stop it! Stop lying to me.
She throws the snot-filled rag at his face. He bats it away.
ZAK
Gross. I don’t lie. Neither does Mr Tom.
DAWN
How would you know?
ZAK
You know it too. That’s why we have to do this.
DAWN
I can’t paint houses! I’m a book worm.
ZAK
Listen. When I signed up for your class, I was a mess. I had no self-confidence. I was Mr A-Grade Fuck-up, pardon my French. I only showed up to maybe not kill myself.
Dawn crawls further out of the closet, shocked at this news.
DAWN
I didn’t know. I mean, I saw a change in you, but that’s common at early adulthood.
ZAK
I hoovered up all the reading and then some. But all that academic stuff is missing a big piece.
Dawn’s defenses perk up again.
DAWN
Oh, really?
ZAK
How a person actually feels. Take you for instance.
DAWN
Must we?
ZAK
You’re successful, pretty, smart. You appear to be stable but…
(gestures to her whole being)
You’re in a closet. With a formerly suicidal fuck-up talking you out into the world.
She crawls back in.
SILENCE.
Zak waits.
DAWN
Point taken.
Zak smiles. He holds his fist up toward the closet opening.
Dawn’s fist appears to bump his.
EXT. PRINTER – MORNING
Dawn and Zak stand on the sidewalk and admire their newly printed bling.
DAWN
You did a great job with this logo design!
She holds a colorful BLUE DAWN t-shirt up to her torso.
Zak peels off his ratty shirt and replaces it with a new, creased company T.
ZAK
I feel so official.
DAWN
It’s only one house. ONE. Right?
Scout’s honor from Zak as they walk to the truck.
ZAK
Except, there will be more. Just wait.
Dawn stops.
DAWN
No. There will not be more. You just did the scout’s honor, that’s a promise move.
ZAK
I promise, there will be more.
She slides the box of T’s onto the seat and positions a door magnet with her new business logo.
DAWN
All I have to do is pull the plug as soon as you have your tuition.
Zak goes into his Yoda-R2D2 combo, wise but goofy. He sits on the tailgate, all smiles to hand out cards to each passerby.
ZAK
But you won’t.
Dawn ignores him. backs up to admire the whole enterprise and its new look.
EXT. PAINT STORE – DAY
Dawn reaches for the door just as Abernathy exits. Almost smacks her in the nose.
TOM
Oh gosh, pardon me, ma’am.
Eyeball — “ma’am”? Really? Dawn bows dramatically, lifting a business card above her head.
DAWN
You first, my liege.
He looks at her quizzically but takes the card.
She straightens up, now embarrassed.
DAWN
Liege. Lord. Never mind.
She hurries through the door.
He slides the card in his shirt pocket. He’s got her number.
INT. ABERNATHY’S WORK TRUCK – DAY
Tom types Dawn’s info into his phone and positions her card on the dash. Phone rings.
PHONE: Mom
Tome sighs but picks up, all business.
TOM
Hello.
TOM’S MOM
Hi Tommy. How’s your day going?
TOM
Fine, Mom. What do you need?
TOM’S MOM
Just checking in. Anything new?
Tom eyes Dawn’s card.
TOM
Nope. Same as last week.
TOM’S MOM
What are you working on?
Tom watches Dawn through the store windows. She spies him back then ducks behind some shelving.
TOM
I’m on my way to a job site.
(starts his truck)
I’ll have to talk to you later.
TOM’S MOM
Okay, I just had a feeling you maybe had something —
He hangs up and throws it in reverse.
EXT. BOX STORE – DAY
Dawn and Zak wear their bright new Blue Dawn Painting shirts. They scope out the parking lot like they might be creepers looking to nap a kid.
Dawn grabs Zak’s arm.
DAWN
Over there. That one!
She points to Super-dork Dad-man.
ZAK
Naw, that guy for sure already has a job.
DAWN
Just look at him. He’s oozing desperation. And if he’s got a job, why would he be here in the middle of the day?
They approach him.
EXT. ZAK’S PICKUP – DAY
Super-dork Dad-man, aka HAROLD, sits on the tailgate, a front row seat to the hiring procedure of these two sophisticates.
Zak points out a hoodie wearing, stocky, almost square shaped person due to a mass of muscle.
ZAK
What about that one? He can haul the ladders.
Square-man sheds the hood. Correction Square-girl.
HAROLD
Mind your pronouns, friend.
DAWN
I’ll handle this one.
Dawn approaches and displays her shirt as a means of explanation.
BILLIE, peels off the hoodie to slide on the new shirt. More muscles than Zak and Harold combined.
HAROLD
Whoa.
ZAK
Whoa.
And so it goes until…
EXT. CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
A crew of four guys and a girl pile out of Zak’s pickup looking highly professional in the whites and company shirts.
Dawn and Zak admire their new employees, feeling accomplished.
DAWN
They look good.
ZAK
(fist bump)
Yeah, man. We did it!
Three of the them wander to the porch and sit in the shade.
Harold admires the gazebo.
DAWN
At least Billie gets the idea.
Billie hefts every tool there is to heft, parades her haul past the men.
BILLIE
Look alive, losers.
The others haul themselves off the steps, because– girl power.
Zak hurls a drop cloth to Harold. It nearly knocks him over but it wakes him out of his super-dork stuper.
Zak rounds up his crew to explain their plan of attack.
DAWN
I guess we’re doing this.
Dawn approaches the front door to alert the homeowner that work is underway.
INT. PAINT STORE – DAY
Abernathy signs a receipt at the counter and chats it up with Frank when Dawn comes in.
Like a pro, she loads up on grids and rollers.
All confidence now, she throws her shoulders back to better display the new Blue Dawn company work shirt. She lays them next to Tom’s drywall mud.
DAWN
How’s it going, Mr Abernathy?
Tom eyes her shirt. Quickly repositions his line of sight away from her chest area. He puts his hand out, for a professional shake, contractor to contractor.
TOM
Glad I ran into you Blue Dawn. I was going to ask you —
An frail GRANDMA struggles to lift a gallon can up to the counter.
Dawn helps her out.
GRANDMA
Thank you so much, my grandson was supposed to meet me here, he’s going to paint my — oh, I like your t-shirt!
Dawn peels off a newly printed card to give to her.
DAWN
If your grandson doesn’t come through, you can call us, we’ll take care of you.
GRANDMA
Blue Dawn, I like it. I think he just lost his job, I told him he had to show up on time.
Tom waits patiently while Dawn gets more work, just by being friendly.
DAWN
(points to Tom)
And, if you need any carpentry done, this would be the man to talk to.
She nudges Tom while the woman pays Frank. Motions to hand out a business card. He snaps to.
Frank chuckles.
GRANDMA
I just might. And you know, my neighbor was talking about painting their house too. It’s so big I think it’s too much for him.
Dawn takes the woman’s paint out to her car, chatting the whole way.
FRANK
Looks like she’s off and running.
Tom nods, mesmerized by white pants, until a bell on the door jingles. He snaps out of it and goes for his mud.
Dawn returns the gaze toward the back side of hunky-contractor-man while she holds the door open for Grandma/new customer.
EXT. CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
Dawn, all happy, calls to Zak up on an extension ladder.
The others are scraping away on various parts of the house.
DAWN
Come on down. I have good news!
ZAK
Lemme guess. We’ve got more work.
Dawn puts on a pouty frown.
DAWN
Well. Yes. We do.
Zak climbs down and calls out to the crew.
ZAK
Did you hear that guys? Oops sorry, Miss Billie.
BILLIE
Don’t worry about it. I’m the Cool Chick, one of the guys.
ZAK
Cool, Cool Chick. Ms Dawn got some more work for us so let’s get this one knocked out!
The crew nods approval, thumbs up, fist bumps all around.
Harold scrambles up the ladder Zak was on.
HAROLD
We’re on it, Boss Boy.
Half way up, the aluminum starts to wobble like a bridge in an earth quake. He holds on but it won’t stop.
CRATER, (20s) the recovering addict/parolee, tattooed up, with heavy dagger earrings steadies the ladder for Super-dork. (No idea yet why he’s called Crater.)
CRATER
I feel you man. It’s hard to shake the shakes once they get started.
HAROLD
Thank you kindly, sir.
Crater’s eyebrows raise. “Sir” isn’t what he’s usually called.
ZAK
(to Dawn)
You might want to get insurance.
Harold steels his nerves and continues up to the roof’s peak.
Dawn nods a definite yes to that.
DAWN
I’m on it, Boss Boy.
Dawn pulls Zak aside.
DAWN
But don’t get their hopes up, I mean, keep them working but, you know, this isn’t a career path.
ZAK
Don’t worry, Ms Dawn. We’ll take care of what we need to and move on.
DAWN
Good, I’m sure these guys… and gal will all be just as happy to get back to their lives as I will be.
Huge laughter in the crew as TODD (50s) cracks a joke.
ZAK
He’s been at it all day, like this is a comedy club. Keeping us all entertained at no extra cost.
Dawn watches the beehive of activity, mixed with laughter. Her employees.
Across the street is a white, work van with a FOR SALE sign in the window. She steps off the curb to scope it out.
-
Rita’s Turning Point 1 Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment:
- I was a little confused at first as to which scene we’re being directed to write but rereading the title of the lesson cleared it up. LOL
- Regardless of being tired, once I get going, I’m in the scene and it flows.
- Even if it’s not that great yet, there’s something there to improve later.
KEY SCENE 2 OUTLINE – Turning Point
EXT. BOX STORE PARKING LOT – DAY
BEGINNING: Dawn and Zak choose random guys and one woman for their paint crew under the gun to get started on the job. Dawn picks them out by what she intuitively sees in them.
MIDDLE: Conversation and actions while they interview show they are qualified… for things other than painting.But they all claim to be the next Rembrandt
END: Assembled as a group, they present an eclectic picture, showing what their personalities bring to the endeavor. Dawn and Zak load them up to get the started.
TE3
INT. PAINT STORE – DAY
BEGINNING: Dawn runs into Abernathy for the first time since meeting him. She has greater confidence now that she’s a “legit” paint company.
MIDDLE: He is obviously interested but directs his attraction toward professional topics. During their conversation, she picks up two more jobs (following her intuition attracts interest)
END: Abernathy watches her charm ‘civilians’ while they ignore him and his commercial contractor persona.
———————–
EXT. BOX STORE – DAY
Dawn and Zak where their bright new Blue Dawn Painting shirts. They scope out the parking lot like they might be creepers looking to nap a kid.
Dawn grabs Zak’s arm.
DAWN
Over there. That one!
She points to super-dork dad-man.
ZAK
Naw, that guy for sure already has a job.
DAWN
Just look at him. He’s oozing desperation. And if he’s got a job, why would he be here in the middle of the day?
They approach him.
EXT. ZAK’S PICKUP – DAY
Super-dork Dad-man, aka HAROLD, sits on the tailgate, a front row seat to the hiring procedure of these two sophisticates.
Zak points out a hoodie wearing, stocky, almost square shaped person due to a mass of muscle.
ZAK
What about that one? He can haul the ladders.
Square-man sheds the hood. Correction Square-girl.
HAROLD
Mind your pronouns, friend.
DAWN
I’ll handle this one.
Dawn approaches and displays her shirt as a means of explanation.
BILLIE, peels off the hoodie to slide on the new shirt. More muscles than Zak and Harold combined.
HAROLD
Whoa.
ZAK
Whoa.
And so it goes until…
EXT. CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
A crew of four guys and a girl pile out of Zak’s pickup looking highly professional in the whites and company shirts.
Dawn and Zak admire their new employees, feeling accomplished.
DAWN
They look good.
ZAK
(fist bump)
Yeah, man. We did it!
Three of the them wander to the porch and sit in the shade.
Harold admires the gazebo.
DAWN
At least Billie gets the idea.
Billie hefts every tool there is to heft, parades her haul past the men.
BILLIE
Look alive, losers.
The others haul themselves off the steps, getting the idea.
Zak hurls a drop cloth to Harold. It nearly knocks him over but it wakes him out of his super-dork stuper.
Zak rounds up his crew to explain their plan of attack.
DAWN
I guess we’re doing this.
Dawn approaches the front door to alert the homeowner that work is underway.
INT. PAINT STORE – DAY
Abernathy signs a receipt at the counter and chats it up with Frank when Dawn comes in.
Like a pro, she loads up on grids and rollers.
All confidence now, she throws her shoulders back to better display the new Blue Dawn company work shirt. She lays them next to Tom’s drywall mud.
DAWN
How’s it going, Mr Abernathy?
Tom eyes her shirt. Quickly repositions his line of sight away from her chest area. He puts his hand out, for a professional shake, contractor to contractor.
TOM
Glad I ran into you Blue Dawn. I was going to ask you —
An frail GRANDMA struggles to lift a gallon can up to the counter.
Dawn helps her out.
GRANDMA
Thank you so much, my grandson was supposed to meet me here, he’s going to paint my — oh, I like your t-shirt!
Dawn peels off a newly printed card to give to her.
DAWN
If your grandson doesn’t come through, you can call us, we’ll take care of you.
GRANDMA
Blue Dawn Painting. I think he just lost his job, I told him he had to show up on time.
Tom waits patiently while Dawn gets more work, just by being friendly.
DAWN
(points to Tom)
And, if you need any carpentry done, this would be the man to talk to.
She nudges Tom while the woman pays Frank. Motions to hand out a business card. He snaps to.
Frank chuckles.
GRANDMA
I just might. And you know, my neighbor was talking about painting their house too. It’s so big I think it’s too much for him.
Dawn takes the woman’s paint out to her car, chatting the whole way.
FRANK
Looks like she’s off and running.
Tom nods, mesmerized by white pants, until a bell on the door jingles. He snaps out of it and goes for his mud.
Dawn returns the gaze toward the hunky contractor man while she holds the door open for Grandma/new customer.
-
Rita’s Inciting Incident
What I learned doing this assignment:
My inciting incident was in scene 2 from Assignment 9. These scenes are drawing my protagonist further into the call.
I’m never really sure what page the inciting incident is “supposed” to be on.
I like it early.Outline Key Scenes 2 & 3 for Act 1.
KEY SCENE 2 OUTLINE
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – DAY
BEGINNING: Dawn and her one-man crew, Zak prep her living room to paint.
MIDDLE: Conversation about psychology is really about following your intuition.
END: Dawn learns more about Zak’s motivations, which draw out her compassion.
KEY SCENE 3 OUTLINE
EXT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
BEGINNING: Dawn doesn’t get it yet but Zak is all in. He shows up, ready to go.MIDDLE: Reality and Zak’s young, worldly wisdom starts to set in. Dawn melts down.
END: Dawn shows a reluctant agreement to give this whole crazy idea a go.
SCENES:
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – DAY
Dawn and her one-man crew, Zak, move furniture away from the walls of her living room.
DAWN
I’ll pay you extra if you promise not to tell any other students what happened. Or where I live.ZAK
I know lots of teachers who paint houses in the summer for some extra cash. How do you think I know what a five-in-one is? (or some other tool)DAWN
I really appreciate your help. I’m not exactly the physical labor type.ZAK
Yeah, you’re too much in your head.
Dawn leans on the arm of the couch, somewhat menacing.
DAWN
What do you mean, too much?
ZAK
Whoa, don’t take offense. You’re all about intellect whereas I am all about…
(lifts his end of the couch)… the spiritual.
DAWN
What are you taking my classes for anyway? Aren’t you an art major?
ZAK
Art is a representation of the human condition. What good is art if you don’t know anything about people? For that matter, what good is psychology if you don’t know people?He gestures around her one-person cottage.
ZAK
No offense.
DAWN
Plenty of offense taken. I know people.
ZAK
Riiiight.
DAWN
Your A+ is looking pretty shaky right about now.ZAK
I’m just saying, if you don’t mind me saying —
DAWN
It’s highly likely that I do.
ZAK
That construction dude was into you. You didn’t need to pretend you own a painting company. But it’s cool that you do now! I know some guys I can hook you up with. We’ll knock out a few houses this summer and I’ll be able to pay for tuition in the fall after all.
DAWN
After all?
Zak’s demeanor goes dark for just a moment.
ZAK
It’s nothing, just some family stuff. Hang on, I’ll get my gear.
He runs out to his truck.
DAWN
Gear. I don’t have gear.
Zak reappears and unfurls a drop cloth with a flourish.
ZAK
Let’s paint!
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – LATER
Zak rolls the last section of blue onto a previously non-blue wall.
Dawn drops, exhausted, into the couch. She immediately catapults back up. Inspects her pants which are now loaded with blue splotches.
DAWN
Shit! Did I just ruin my couch?
ZAK
Never underestimate the necessity of a drop cloth. That’s what my gym teacher always used to say.
Dawn opts for a step ladder to sit and inspect their work.
DAWN
This looks damned good!
ZAK
I told you. Now maybe you’ll believe I’m a no-bullshit kinda dude. Sorry, bull crap. I get a roller in my hand and proper vocab goes out the window.
Dawn waves it off.
DAWN
You’re coming back in the morning, right? What kind of pastries do you like?
Zak sits on a paint can facing her, suddenly all serious.
ZAK
Listen Ms Dawn, I gotta make some serious cash this summer so I can’t —
DAWN
No! You can’t bail on me now.
ZAK
I’m not bailing. I mean, we can actually do this thing.
DAWN
I know! My house will be beautiful.
ZAK
Think bigger. If you can spot the expenses until we get going, after a couple of houses…
(rubs his fingers together)
…we’ll be rolling in it.
DAWN
I don’t follow. What houses?
ZAK
You’ve already got a direct line to the biggest contractor in town.
DAWN
Abernathy? Yeah, I’m not calling him. He’ll think I’m an idiot.ZAK
Not if we show up with a crew.
DAWN
You and I do not a crew make. I don’t know anyone, as you’ve already pointed out multiple times.
ZAK
But I do. You get your hunky date —
DAWN
Please tell me did not just say hunky.
ZAK
You get a night out with every woman’s rugged hottie dream-man.
DAWN
Until he finds out I’m a liar.
ZAK
That’s just it. I’m gonna make an honest woman out of you.
Dawn flings a paint rag at him.
DAWN
People already whisper about how you always run up to me after class with your little tail wagging. This town runs on rumors and they all start at Allen State.
ZAK
So throw me a bone. You’re teachable, Teach.
Zak FWAPS her pants with his blue-loaded brush.
She returns the favor with the underside of a paint lid right on his butt. A navy-colored circle.
DAWN
More like Blue Moon Painting.
ZAK
Woohoo! We’re open for business.
DAWN
I didn’t say that.
ZAK
You didn’t not say that.
He stacks his tools in a corner, folds the drop cloths.
Dawn rests her chin on her hand. She recoils and then laughs and raises her t-shirt to wipe her chin.
Zak notices. There’s a womanly shape after all under her shapeless professor wardrobe.
EXT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn shuffles out to the curb in slippers and bathrobe dragging the trash bin. Not only shapeless but disheveled.
Quiet morning. She stretches and yawns. Birds chirp until…
A blast of MUSIC increases in volume as it gets closer.
Zak pulls up with a pickup load of ladders, poles, buckets.
He unloads everything almost before he throws it into park. It’s a sudden blur of activity.
ZAK
I figured with a name like Dawn… I would’ve called first but I don’t have your number. Neither does Mr Tom. Not yet anyway.
Dawn hugs her bathrobe closed. Smooths her hair. Drops her glasses. Fumbles around in the grass looking for them.
DAWN
Listen, Zak, I don’t see how —
But he’s already hauling things into the house.
DAWN
Zak, hold on!
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn finds him in the bedroom moving furniture.
DAWN
Hey, just come on in.
ZAK
We’ve run into a slight set back.
DAWN
Really? I couldn’t tell.
ZAK
None of my usual guys are available. They’re our competition.
DAWN
It’s just as well. You can get a job with them, right?
ZAK
No way. I gave my word. We’re doing this, Blue Dawn.
He holds up a paint-loaded roller and goes to it.
DAWN
Yeah, this.
(gestures at the walls)
But then we go back to reality.
ZAK
You underestimate yourself Ms Dawn.
Dawn straightens up, offended.
DAWN
You’re going to analyze me now?
ZAK
Everybody does, underestimates, I mean. Do you like how your life is going?
DAWN
I love teaching.
ZAK
Teaching isn’t life. It’s temporary people conveyer-belting through. They’re here, then they’re gone.
DAWN
Promise?
ZAK
Is that what you like?
She sits on the bed, then quickly switches to the armchair. There’s a male student in her bedroom for God’s sake!
She stands.
DAWN
I should get dressed.
ZAK
Yeah, get with it Boss Lady.
Dawn can’t help but smile. Boss Lady sounds good.
She grabs her white pants, sighs and drags them to her study.
INT. DAWN’S STUDY – MORNING
It’s really an extra bedroom with a desk. She unfolds her whites and slides one leg in, removes it, wads the pants and throws them in a corner like they’ve done her wrong.
She looks through the closet. Books. Shirts. No pants.
DAWN
This is so insane. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
She grabs the whites again and yanks them on.
DAWN
I was perfectly fine yesterday. Just a normal professor planning her summer. Then some guy changes my whole life? How pathetic is that?
She finds a ratty, old, over-sized shirt. Drags it over her head. Momentum dissipates. She slumps into her computer chair to cry.
DAWN
What is happening?
Tears start. An inordinate amount of bawling.
Zak appears in the doorway, concerned.
ZAK
Whoa, what’s happening?
Dawn pulls it together, wipes her nose.
DAWN
I don’t know! I’m just…
She pretends to look for something in the closet.
ZAK
It’s okay to have feelings, you know.
DAWN
I know! I told you that last semester.
ZAK
So, have some.
SILENCE.
Zak sits on the floor next to the closet.
INDISCERNIBLE MUMBLES.
Zak waits.
DAWN
(loud)
I can’t do this, okay?
ZAK
Sure you can. You can do anything.
She crawls far enough to poke her snot covered face out to look at him.
DAWN
Why would you say that?
He hands her a paint rag. She blows her nose.
ZAK
I just feel it.
DAWN
Feel what?
ZAK
How amazing you are.
DAWN
Stop it! Stop lying to me.
She throws the snot-filled rag at his face. He bats it away.
ZAK
Gross. I don’t lie. Neither does Mr Tom.
DAWN
How would you know?
ZAK
You know it too. That’s why we have to do this.
DAWN
I can’t paint houses! I’m a book worm.
ZAK
Listen. When I signed up for your class, I was a mess. I had no self-confidence. I was Mr A-Grade Fuck-up. I only showed up to maybe not kill myself.
Dawn crawls further out of the closet, shocked at this news.
DAWN
I didn’t know. I mean, I saw a change in you, but that’s common at early adulthood.
ZAK
I hoovered up all the reading and then some. But all that academic stuff is missing a big piece.
Dawn’s defenses perk up again.
DAWN
Oh, really?
ZAK
How a person actually feels. Take you for instance.
DAWN
Must we?
ZAK
You’re successful, pretty, smart. You appear to be stable but…
(gestures to her whole being)
You’re in a closet. With a formerly suicidal fuck-up talking you out into the world.
She crawls back in.
SILENCE.
Zak waits.
DAWN
Point taken.
Zak smiles. He holds his fist up toward the closet opening.
Dawn’s fist appears to bump his.
-
Rita’s Act 1: Opening Scenes
What I learned doing this assignment:
I had already first drafted these scenes a few weeks ago. The second pass came easy with work we’ve done in early lessons.
OPENING SCENE OUTLINE
INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY
BEGINNING: DAWN closes the semester with her psychology. Students love her.
MIDDLE: Dawn tells them she’s doing home projects this summer. ZAK volunteers to help. Other student insinuates he’s not so reliable.
END: Zak is particularly friendly in a loyal puppy kind of way, bounds down the stairs to talk to her when the rest of the class leaves.
SECOND SCENE OUTLINE
TE1
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
BEGINNING: Planning a small, home project for her summer off, Dawn tries on some painter’s whites.
MIDDLE: ABERNATHY a handsome contractor, assumes she’s an actual painter with a company.
END: Impulsively (follows her intuition) plays into a misunderstanding with Abernathy, at the paint store. She pretends to own a painting company, even gives it a name — Blue Dawn Painting. Zak shows up and inadvertently backs up the lie which gives it momentum. But Dawn is quickly horrified by what she’s done.
FADE IN:
INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM – MORNING
Tiered lecture hall is packed. Students sit awake and engaged. Several hands raise.A petite and breezy professor, Dawn (40s) turns toward her rapt audience. Small but in charge of her familiar environment. She points to STUDIOUS GIRL in the front row.
STUDIOUS GIRL
What will you be reading this summer Ms Dawn?
Several students get their pens ready for a hefty list.
DAWN
To tell you the truth, I think I might give my brain a break. Maybe do some home improvements.
Studious Girl’s pen drops in disappointment.
ZAK (20) who looks more like a surfer than a psychology student, volunteers.
ZAK
Need any help? I’m good with a paintbrush. And a hammer.
Someone in the back pipes up.
ANONYMOUS STUDENT
Good at getting hammered.
Chuckles from most seats. Studious Girl rolls her eyes.
Dawn ignores all of it.
DAWN
Just remember, the most important aspect for mental health is honesty and engagement. Find your passions and spend your summer pursuing them.
(directed at Zak)
Whatever they are.
Zak shoots her back a thumbs up and a nod.
DAWN
See you next semester!
The class files out but Zak barrels down the steps toward her like a happy puppy.
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
Dawn slides fabric swatches across the counter. Dark blue, light blue and other blues.
FRANK, the store manager (50s) looks at her with magnified eyes through thick glasses. Even he can see that she might need a little variety in her life.
FRANK
Do you maybe want a warm accent?
DAWN
I have it all planned.
(points to one swatch)
Just a quart of this one.
Frank waves the swatches at his clerk with a look while Dawn browses the painter’s pants.
FRANK
(to clerk)
The psychology professor looks like she wants to be depressed.
DAWN
May I try these on? Might as well look the part, right?
Dawn heads for…
INT. PAINT STORE BATHROOM – DAY
Dawn admires the fit. Turns and twists to see the back view.
DAWN
Maybe I’m a closet blue collar girl.
She flings the yoga pants she wore in over her shoulder.
MUFFLED VOICES pass through the closed door. Friendly banter of working men.
Dawn wrestles with the stuck door to get out.
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
A tall, handsome, man TOM ABERNATHY (40s) whose wardrobe says construction wear model, slaps Frank on the back. They both laugh. He turns toward Dawn after she gets the door unstuck.
Rattles from the bathroom door gets louder.
Tom steps up to the rescue.
Dawn frees herself and tumbles out, just as Tom reaches the door. He wears a collared shirt with a contractor’s logo. Handsome, rugged, astute, he eyes Dawn looking good in her painter’s whites.
Dawn registers the presence of testosterone and quickly shoves her sweat pants into her bag.
TOM
You’re new. Are you holding out on me, Frank?
FRANK
No, I… she just —
Dawn nervously moves past Tom, and he follows. She grabs a random tools and some tape. Slaps them down on the counter.
Adds a can of turpentine to look cool.
FRANK
I don’t think you’re gonna need —
Dawn moves in to pay.
Frank shrugs and loads her paint into a box.
TOM
My painter just bailed on me. Are you reliable?
DAWN
Me? Of course, I work over at the Allen State.
TOM
You won that bid? Wow, good for you. They’re doing a lot of renovation over there this summer.
Frank opens his mouth to interject but Zak charges through the door. His painter’s whites are already smeared with various colors.
ZAK
Sorry I’m late!
TOM
(to Dawn)
Typical, am I right? Just be glad he showed up.
DAWN
Yeah, I know what you mean. But Zak’s a good one.
Zak beams. At everybody.
ZAK
Are these yours? I’ll load ’em up.
He takes paint cans out to her car.
TOM
Maybe I can come by and see your work. I a have new house that’s about ready for finish work.
He hands her a card.
TOM
What’s your schedule look like?
DAWN
I um…
FRANK
No, she works at the college.
TOM
Yeah, I bid that job for drywall but Curley got it.
FRANK
No, I mean she —
Dawn cuts him off, offers Tom a handshake.
DAWN
Nice to meet you. I um…She scans the showroom for what to say next.
Frank puts her blue fabric swatches in a bag for her. A sunrise poster hangs behind the counter.
DAWN
Blue… Dawn… Blue Dawn Painting. That’s me.Frank stands immobilized. Stares at Dawn, dumbfounded.
A quart of blue paint rolls off the counter, hits the floor.
Tom pulls out his phone.
TOM
What’s your number?
(typing)
Blue. Dawn…Dawn waves his card.
DAWN
I’ll hit you up when I get a break in the schedule.
TOM
Great! We need a new paint company around here. Glad I stopped in. See you later, Frank.
Zak holds the door open Tom.
ZAK
Have an awesome day, man.
TOM
You too, buddy.
(to Dawn)
This one’s a keeper. Treat him right.
Gives Zak a friendly punch on his way out.
ZAK
I always get an A+ from Ms Dawn.
Frank eyes Dawn as he rings up her bill.
FRANK
Are we starting an account here, Blue Dawn?
Dawn doubles over onto the counter.
DAWN
What did I just do?
ZAK
What did you do?
FRANK
You just told the biggest builder in town that you’re a painting company.
ZAK
We are? Cool!
(fist bumps with Frank)
Follow your passion, dude.
FRANK
That sounds about right.
DAWN
Please don’t rat me out.
Frank shakes his head.
FRANK
I’m just here to sell paint.DAWN
I’ll figure out a way to explain whatever happened here.
FRANK
So as far as I know, you have a crew somewhere waiting for you.
ZAK
Nice. Can I be the foreman?He pulls out his phone and thumbs away.
Dawn hands Tom’s card to Frank.
DAWN
Take it. There’s no way —Zak slumps in a rare frown as pathetic as a golden retriever waiting for someone, anyone to pick up his ball.
ZAK
Aw, so I’m not a foreman? I already texted my mom.Dawn snatches the card back.
DAWN
Maybe he’ll see it as endearing.
FRANK
I’ve known Tom a long time. I’ve seen him fire guys for less. Just look at his card.Zak takes the card from Dawn and reads.
ZAK
“Abernathy Builders. Honesty. Integrity. Passion.” Hey, just like your last lecture!
DAWN
Great. Perfect. I blew it. Give me that!She shoves the card in her stiff new, white painter’s pocket and stomps out. Zak follows, loyal companion that he is or hopes to be.
-
Rita’s Beat Sheet Draft 2
What I learned doing this assignment:
- More details about my antagonist and how his journey interweaves with the main character + supporting cast.
- Found that all characters are going through the same theme before I even consciously thought about it.
<div>
THEME: When you live in your true gifts, fulfillment will come.
There’s a more compelling way to say that, I suspect it will come to me later.Antagonist Journey
ABERNATHY
- Goes about his male dominated business which keeps him separate from women, who he doesn’t trust. But then he happens upon Dawn, starting his healing journey in motion.
- He flirts with Dawn but is conflicted.
- His mistrust of women is shown through his history with his mom.
- His dad started his business, Abernathy is obligated to carry on his dad’s tradition and unconsciously includes his personal opinions/injuries about women.
- His fears are reinforced by what he learns about Dawn.
- She comes through.
- He has to readjust his belief that all women are liars.
- They go into business together, means he’s developed trust and healed his relationship with his mother.
</div>
-
Rita’s High Speed Beat Sheet
What I learned doing this assignment:
- I wrote a lot more than I expected to, especially at the end.
- These steps filled out the supporting cast more.
- It also highlighted where I need more foreshadowing and clarity.
*Making the commitment to the group that I am going to use these High Speed Writing Rules to get my script done at record speed. (It can definitely be done! I’ve written a decent 1st draft in 10 days.)
4 Act Structure Beat Sheet
Act 1:
INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY
– Opening
Dawn closes the semester with her psychology students who love her. Zak is particularly friendly in a loyal puppy kind of way.
TE1
INT. PAINT STORE – MORNING
I- nciting Incident
Planning a small, home project for her summer off, Dawn impulsively plays into a misunderstanding with a handsome contractor, Abernathy, at the paint store. She pretends to own a painting company, even gives it a name — Blue Dawn Painting — and is quickly horrified by what she’s done.
TE2
EXT. PRINTER – DAY
– Turning Point
Dawn agrees to finance Zak in painting one, ONE house only so he can pay for fall tuition. They print business cards and signs.
EXT. BOX STORE – DAY
Dawn and Zak choose random guys and one woman for their paint crew who are qualified… for something other than painting.
TE3
INT. PAINT STORE – DAY
Dawn runs into Abernathy, now she’s a “legit” paint company and picks up two more jobs while he watches. Abernathy is obviously interested.
EXT. CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
Dawn breaks the news to Zak — he’s got 2 more jobs lined up. They’re is on this ride, like it or not, although she still plans to shut it down ASAP.
Act 2:
TE4
INT. HARDWARE STORE – DAY
– New plan
Dawn can’t stop now, business is booming. Abernathy corners her in the tool section, asks professional questions she can only bluff her way through, but just barely.
EXT. CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
Abernathy wants a bid for his client down the street.
TE5
INT. DAWN’S HOME OFFICE – NIGHT
Dawn registers Blue Dawn Painting as an LLC and officially makes Zak the foreman.
TE6
INT. ABERNATHY’S OFFICE – DAY
– Plan in action
Dawn signs a contract with Abernathy Builders putting a lot of trust in her ramshackle crew. Abernathy’s attraction to Dawn makes him ignore his concern.
EXT. ABERNATHY CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – MORNING
We finally get a good look at the crew — a mix of sensitive addict in recovery, ex-con, divorced and betrayed dad, insecure body builder, comedian wanna-be. All broken, each a piece of Dawn’s own dad. (Need scenes to show all this.)INT. BAKERY – MORNING
Feeling invincible with everything she’s made happen in a few weeks, Dawn gets donuts for the crew. She’ s becoming a mother/therapist to all of them until…
TE7
EXT. ABERNATHY CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
The emotional fragility of the crew goes into full gear. Major breakdown. None of Dawn’s phycology knowledge works. Everybody but Zak walks off the job.
TE8
EXT. DAWN’S HOUSE – EVENING
Abernathy rolls up on her after a long day to ask if Dawn will go to dinner with him as soon as the job is done. He wants to date her, not work with her anymore. She pretends everything is fine. Thank God! She won’t be working with for him again.
TE9
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn suits up in her whites. She has to help Zak finish the job or she doesn’t get paid and he won’t have enough tuition money to graduate.
TE10
EXT. ABERNATHY CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – MORNING
– Midpoint Turning Point
Abernathy shows up to But he finds a two person crew with more work than they can handle. Dawn ducks out so she won’t be confronted.
TE11
INT. PAINT STORE – DAY
Abernathy asks questions of the staff. He learns that up until this summer, Dawn has only ever been an academic. She lied!
INT. ABERNATHY’S OFFICE – NIGHT
(Need scenes to show this) He’d started trusting a woman and just like his mother did to his father, she lied, repeating an old betrayal.
SERIES OF SCENES
Dawn avoids Abernathy all over town, slips away so won’t give up the truth that it was all just to impress him. She’s an imposter and a failure.
TE12
EXT. POST OFFICE – DAY
Abernathy’s anger increases every time she gives him the slip.
TE13
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – NIGHT
Dawn breaks the student/professor barrier and confines in Zak that she was just feeling like she could do this. Manage people and a business, not just students who have to listen to her. Now she doubts herself even more than when this whole fiasco started.
Act 3:
TE14
– Rethink everything
INT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn is ready to throw in the towel. Zak’s demeanor has changed. The crew has returned but the project more than they can handle. Plus, Abernathy is now angry with her. Zak convinces her to push forward.
TE15
EXT. ABERNATHY CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
The crew is backsliding on their emotional progress. All goals are bound for failure. Something’s gotta give.
TE16
INT. ABERNATHY CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – DAY
– New plan
Dawn’s true psychic talent (still need to seed this throughout script) and empathy (beyond psychology) go into full gear when the homeowner confides her personal struggle, which Dawn helps her resolve.
EXT. PAINT VAN – EVENING
Dawn uses the same intuition with the crew that she used with her customer.
TE17
EXT. CUSTOMER’S HOUSE DAY
Abernathy shows up to fire her but the homeowner can’t stop singing her praises. He storms off feeling undermined as well as betrayed.
TE18
– Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
EXT. CUSTOMER’S HOUSE – EVENING
In a bout of depression, Zak tumbles from a tall ladder. Now what? He was the only one who knew what he was doing. Abernathy, keeps a close eye on this job and sees the fall. He gets Zak to the hospital, leaving Dawn to finish the job.
TE19
INT. UNIVERSITY OFFICE – NIGHT
Dawn confronts the head of her psychology department — his theories don’t work in the real world.
TE 20
EXT. DAWN’S HOUSE – MORNING
Dawn drags herself to the paint van to find the Crew waiting for her with gluten free treats. They get the keys and tell her to stay home. They took her advice to make changes to their own struggles ready to reset themselves on the right track. Zak has taught them enough to finish the job.
Act 4:
TE 21
– Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
INT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Dawn and Abernathy bump into each other at the hospital visiting Zak. They’ve both become surrogate parent figures to him (Unconsciously fulfilling their parental desires…together). They fight over his future and who will help him through rehab and healing as if he’s not there. Subtext: they’re really fighting about their own relationship.
EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY
Dawn comes clean to Abernathy. He’s not ready to forgive. Just finish the job and get out of my life.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – MORNING
First day of fall semester.
INT. LECTURE HALL – MORNING
Dawn writes on the white board, same as any other start of class. But she writes Professor someone else’s name and tells her TA to take over.
TE22
– Resolution
INT. DEPARTMENT HEAD’S OFFICE – MORNING
Dawn realizes she loves being an entrepreneur. embraces her psychic talents (standing up to her snobbish, academic peers) and quits her teaching position.
SUPER: ONE YEAR LATER.
INT. LECTURE HALL – DAY
A familiar voice spouts psychobabble interjecting real world practicalities. It’s Zak. He teaches the underclass students while getting his PhD.
INT. VAN – DAY
Dawn drives and jams to radio. Clearly happy and relaxed.
EXT. ABERNATHY BUILDERS – DAY
Dawn enters. BLUE DAWN PAINTERS is splashed across a new van.
INT. ABERNATHY’S OFFICE – DAY
Dawn says good morning and settles into the office across the hall. They’ve partnered up. (This ending has to be earned. Maybe they just meet up again at the paint store and Abernathy reconsiders his hard stance now that she’s gotten a good reputation and stuck with it.
SERIES OF SCENES:
The crew has gotten their lives in order.
INT. AA MEETING – NIGHT
Sensitive addict now actually in recovery.
INT. PRISON – DAY
Ex-con teaches a writing class.
EXT. PARK – DAY
Divorced and betrayed dad plays with his kids. Mom watches from a distance, smiles.
INT. GYM – DAY
Insecure body builder teaches a yoga class. No more competition.
INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT
Comedian wanna-be braves an open mic. The whole crew plus Dawn and Abernathy are there to cheer him on. He kills.
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Rita’s Transformational Events
What I learned doing this assignment:
- I have a feeling this structure is a good blueprint but things will change along the way.
- Just like construction projects, how we reach the end product is very different than what we all signed on for.
Main Conflict
- Dawn must keep up the lie that she runs a painting company until Abernathy likes her enough to forgive her when she finally fesses up.
Old Ways
Intellectualizes the human condition
Pretends to know how people are while living alone
Teaches young adults to avoid real life
Pushes people away
Uses the above to stay in denial that she’s scared of life
New Ways
Feels empathically
Surrounds herself with people
Quits her teaching job to really impact lives
Draws people to her
Embraces and experiences all of life
Brainstorm Changes
On impulse, follows intuition
Thrown into a situation she knows nothing about. Must follow instead of lead.
Confronted with unusual characters outside of her usual circles and must depend on them/trust someone other than herself.
IN other people’s lives rather than theoretically talking about case studies, she finds she’s actually interested.The theories she teaches don’t work but she’s good at finding what does.
Until Abernathy resists her curiosity and closes off. Now her mission is to open him up — borderline pushy and nosy.
Coaxing out the good, vulnerable core in people doesn’t equal love. Agrees to a date with someone very “off brand” for her.
4 Act Structure
Act 1:
Opening
Dawn closes the semester with her psychology students who love her. Zak is particularly friendly in a loyal puppy kind of way.
Inciting Incident
Planning a small, home project for her summer off, Dawn impulsively plays into a misunderstanding with a handsome contractor, Abernathy, at the paint store. She pretends to own a painting company, even gives it a name — Blue Dawn Painting — and is quickly horrified by what she’s done.
Turning Point
Dawn agrees to finance Zak in painting one, ONE house only so he can pay for fall tuition. They assemble a crew who are qualified… for something other than painting. However, more jobs keep coming and business is booming. Abernathy is obviously flirting.
Act 2:
New plan
Dawn can’t stop now but Abernathy is asking questions she can barely bluff her way through. She registers Blue Dawn Painting as an LLC and makes Zak the foreman.
Plan in action
Dawn signs a contract with Abernathy Builders with her ramshackle crew. Abernathy’s attraction to Dawn makes him ignore his concern.
The crew is a mix of sensitive addict in recovery, ex-con, divorced and betrayed dad, insecure body builder, comedian wanna-be. All broken men, each a piece of her own dad. Dawn becomes a mother/therapist to all of them until that role breaks down.
Midpoint Turning Point
Just as Dawn and Abernathy start getting close, he learns that up until this summer, Dawn has only ever been an academic. She lied! Just like his mother did to his father, repeating an old betrayal. But Dawn won’t give up the truth that it all started just to impress him.
Abernathy feels betrayed, pushes Dawn away just as she was getting into the groove of feeling like she could really help people. Now she doubts herself even more than when this whole fiasco started.
Act 3:
Rethink everything
Not only is the painting project more than her crew can handle but Abernathy is now angry with her. Plus each member of the crew is backsliding on their emotional progress. All goals are bound for failure. Something’s gotta give. Dawn wants to give up.
New plan
Dawn’s true psychic talent and empathy (beyond psychology) and understanding go into full gear when the homeowner confides her struggle, which Dawn helps her resolve. The crew witnesses and applies changes to their own struggles, resets themselves on the right track. Now Abernathy can’t fire her until…
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
In a bout of depression, Zak tumbles from a tall ladder. Now what? He was the only one who knew what he was doing. Abernathy steps in to get Zak to the hospital, leaving Dawn to run the crew on her own and finish the job. She confronts the head of her psychology department — his theories don’t work in the real world.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
Dawn and Abernathy bump into each other at the hospital visiting Zak. They’ve both become surrogate parent figures to him (Unconsciously fulfilling their parental desires…together) and fight over his future and who will help him through rehab and healing, but really fighting about their own relationship.
Resolution
Dawn comes clean, realizes she loves being an entrepreneur, embraces her psychic talents (standing up to her snobbish, academic peers) and quits her teaching position. She and Abernathy team up as business partners, not lovers. Dawn finally considers the flirtations of Doug, the wannabe comedian who’s finally brave enough to try it. Zak graduates and takes her place on the faculty.
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This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Rita Roberts.
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Rita’s 4 Act Transformational Structure
What I learned doing this assignment:
- This is a useful approach. Some decent ideas about where the story might go showed up.
- It feels good to have this outline in place, even if it changes.
- Needs more conflict between two main characters.
- I wanted to end up not as the typical resolution of a rom-com where they inevitably get together as a couple but didn’t know how to do it in a satisfying way. This ending just appeared and might work.
Concept: To impress a handsome contractor, Dawn pretends to own a painting company and assembles a colorful crew which puts her service in high demand… but not for home improvement projects.
Main Conflict
Dawn must keep up the lie that she runs a painting company until Abernathy likes her enough to forgive her when she finally fesses up.
-Old Ways
- Intellectualizes the human condition
- Pretends to know how people are while living alone
- Teaches young adults to avoid real life
- Pushes people away
- Uses the above to stay in denial that she’s scared of life
-New Ways
- Feels empathically
- Surrounds herself with people
- Quits her teaching job to really impact lives
- Draws people to her
- Embraces and experiences all of life
4 Act Structure
Act 1:
Opening
Dawn closes the semester with her psychology students who love her. Zak is particularly friendly in a loyal puppy kind of way.
Inciting Incident
Planning a small, home project for her summer off, Dawn impulsively plays into a misunderstanding with a handsome contractor, Abernathy, at the paint store. She pretends to own a painting company, even gives it a name — Blue Dawn Painting — and is quickly horrified by what she’s done.
Turning Point
Dawn agrees to finance Zak in painting one, ONE house only so he can pay for fall tuition. They assemble a crew who are qualified… for something other than painting. However, more jobs keep coming and business is booming. Abernathy is obviously flirting.
Act 2:
New plan
Dawn can’t stop now but Abernathy is asking questions she can barely bluff her way through. She registers Blue Dawn Painting as an LLC and makes Zak the foreman.
Plan in action
Dawn signs a contract with Abernathy Builders with her ramshackle crew. Abernathy’s attraction to Dawn makes him ignore his concern.
Midpoint Turning Point
Abernathy learns that up until this summer, Dawn has only ever been an academic. She lied! Just like his mother did to his father, repeating an old betrayal. But Dawn won’t give up the truth that it all started just to impress him.
Act 3:
Rethink everything
Not only is the painting project more than her crew can handle but Abernathy is now angry with her. Both goals are bound for failure. Something’s gotta give.
New plan
Dawn’s true talent of empathy (beyond psychology) and understanding people go into full gear when the homeowner confides her struggle, which Dawn helps her resolve. Now Abernathy can’t fire her until…
Turning Point: Huge failure / Major shift
In a bout of depression, Zak tumbles from a tall ladder. Now what? He was the only one who knew what he was doing. Abernathy steps in to get Zak to the hospital.
Act 4:
Climax/Ultimate expression of the conflict
Dawn and Abernathy bump into each other at the hospital visiting Zak. They’ve both become surrogate parent figures to him (Unconsciously fulfilling their parental desires…together) and fight over his future and who will help him through rehab and healing, but really fighting about their own relationship.
ResolutionDawn comes clean, realizes she loves being an entrepreneur and quits her teaching position. She and Abernathy team up as business partners. Zak graduates and takes her place on the faculty.
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Rita’s Character Interviews
What I learned doing this assignment:
<ul style=””>
- My main characters are diametrically opposed. Weird how attraction works that way. So perfectly set up to change each other if only typical humans would allow it.
- Might as well prop up a big mirror — it ain’t just the characters getting revealed here, kids.
And yet, they are full entities unto themselves coming through me.- It doesn’t feel right to post details of these private conversations = it got real.
I learned more about the style/feeling of the characters.- My protagonist is definitely quiet as his method of hiding and secret keeping instead of creating a talkative smokescreen distraction. Lots of room for subtext.
- Both characters are annoying! I want to smack each of them so I guess that’s perfect for a rom-com.
- Apparently this isn’t typical behavior except I do it all the time. I don’t know how people write without channeling characters.
- It feels more natural to just get to know them rather than having lists of their characteristics. That would be weird to do with a real person in figuring out how to interact with them. Just a curious awareness of the question, who are these characters and how real are they?
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Rita’s Character Profile Part 2
What I learned doing this assignment is:
- I’m not sure yet which direction my antagonist will go in his personality. Either way could be off-putting but intriguing to the main character.
- Not knowing yet is okay.
Protagonist: DAWN
What draws us to this character?
Dawn is likable (as shown by her students) approachable and flawed. She makes a rare spontaneous decision to lie at the start that she can’t take back without looking like a jerk. How many other lies will she tell?
Traits: Kind, compelled to stay true to her word, compassionate, empathic.Subtext: Dawn says what seems to be wildly not yet true. Statements come out of her mouth, almost unbidden.
Flaw: She’s in denial of how accurate her intuition is so she ends up always one step behind her own wisdom, relying on academic knowledge to trump what she innately knows.
Values: Humility, Dependability, Beauty, Honesty
Irony: She values intellectual knowledge but has to learn the value of intuitive knowing. Empathic but also dense.
What makes this the right character for this role?
Dawn comes from a blue collar family who doesn’t understand her academic jargon or her intuitive sensitivities. She faces the same thing in Abernathy, the man she is trying to win over, repeating her family dynamic/pathology.Antagonist: ABERNATHY
What draws us to this character? Tom Abernathy is a no-nonsense guy. Always sincere but can also employ good natured wit.Traits: Good listener, spare with words, annoyingly punctual, but disorganized
Subtext: Tom uses silence for others to fill in their own meaning.
Flaw: Stuck in his ways, he’s not sure a woman will fit.
Values: Honesty, Integrity, Passion — it says so on his business card.
Irony: desperately wants to connect but keeps people at a distance.
What makes this the right character for this role?
Tom grew up trying to make his dad proud but being his mom’s friend, only to be betrayed by both when he discovered some family secrets.(Haven’t actually decided yet if Abernathy is very talkative to cover his vulnerability or very quiet to keep people out.)
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Lesson 2: Who Are We Traveling With
Rita’s Character Profiles Part 1
What I learned doing this assignment:
Defining these qualities is a good way to see a fuller picture of each character in greater detail.
Logline: To impress a handsome contractor, Dawn pretends to own a painting company and assembles a colorful crew which puts her service in high demand… but not for home improvement projects.
Protagonist: DAWN
Role in the story: Dreamer. A woman secure in her authoritative role as a psychology professor thrust into a physical man’s world by a rare impulsive action.
Age range and Description: Female, Mid 40’s, intellectual, not used to physical exertion.
Internal Journey: From feeling in total control and above others to having compassion and allowing the “colorful” ways of others (and herself) to be appreciated.
External Journey: From a single, psychology professor pretending to be happy as an authority to having a whole coterie of unusual men in her life and no longer pretending.
Motivation: Getting a date with a handsome contractor.
Wound: Fear of not being wanted, left behind, having to earn love.
Mission/Agenda: To be accepted and loved.
Secret: She has no idea what she’s doing (for the first time in her life) and some denied psychic abilities.
What makes them special? Her determination and unconscious ability to read people, despite her book learning of how to assess/diagnose them.
Antagonist: ABERNATHY the CONTRACTOR
Role in the story: Change Agent. Building contractor who doesn’t see a lot of women in his work.
Age range and Description: Male, 40’s, clean cut, honest to a fault, down to earth, no-nonsense, good with his hands.
Internal Journey: To accept some esoteric, non-physical realities.
External Journey: From solitary, in charge boss to being vulnerable.
Motivation: To find a good woman.
Wound: Being a scrawny boy whose dad abandoned him.
Mission/Agenda: To be a good dad.
Secret: He writes poems.
What makes them special? His ability to put people at ease and make them laugh in tough situations.
4. OTHER CHARACTERS:
Zak – student of Dawn turns into her mentor and guide <div>
Supporting characters: A painting crew made up of Dreamer, Victim, Fighter, Runner, Self-appointed Authority
Minor roles: Painting Clients, Paint Store Clerk
Background characters: Construction Workers5. GENRE: Rom-Com
</div>
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Rita’s Transformational Journey
What I learned doing this assignment is:
- Doing these steps easily filled in some important details of my protagonist’s story.
- Increased clarity
- My own transformation begins
Dawn (40s) leaves her disconnected, intellectualized academic life to live fully in multiple dimensions. She goes from abstract philosophy to a tangibly real existence as she learns her safe, trusted theories were all wrong.
Internal Journey: From arrogant, defensive, know-it-all who pretends to be compassionate — changes to humble, caring healer.
External Journey: From psychology professor to painting contractor who takes home improvement to a whole new level.Old Ways
- Intellectualizes the human condition
- Pretends to know how people are while living alone
- Teaches young adults to avoid real life
- Pushes people away
- Uses the above to stay in denial that she’s scared of life
New Ways
- Feels empathically
- Surrounds herself with people
- Quits her teaching job to really impact lives
- Draws people to her
- Embraces and experiences new challenges
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Hi everyone, I’m Rita Doyle Roberts.
I’ve written 4 scripts, 2 of which are for animation. One of those was created with a children’s picture book to go with it.My main goals for this class are to redirect my focus and enthusiasm back to writing while also connecting with all of you. Plus, I want to take my recent, unplanned experience and turn it into a great story.
Unusual thing/unplanned experience — 3 1/2 years ago my partner died so I took over his commercial painting business which means I’ve been hanging around on construction sites since 2019.
(a) I do NOT belong on any construction site.
(b) I jumped in blind just to keep the crews employed for a little while (she said, now almost 4 years later)
(c) The only thing missing from this comedy of errors is a laugh track.
(d) It’s become glaringly apparent that nearly everyone underestimates themselves.I’ve always enjoyed a good challenge but I’m pretty sure I can do anything now. If I can get a national construction company to trust me with finishing their massive new building… we can all convince a producer to option our scripts.
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Rita Doyle Roberts
I agree to the terms of this release form.
3. Please leave the entire text below to confirm what you agree to.
As a member of this group, I agree to the following:
1. That I will keep the processes, strategies, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class confidential, and that I will NOT share any of this program either privately, with a group, posting online, writing articles, through video or computer programming, or in any other way that would make those processes, teleconferences, communications, lessons, and models of the class available to anyone who is not a member of this class.
2. That each writer’s work here is copyrighted and that writer is the sole owner of that work. That includes this program which is copyrighted by Hal Croasmun. I acknowledge that submission of an idea to this group constitutes a claim of and the recognition of ownership of that idea.
I will keep the other writer’s ideas and writing confidential and will not share this information with anyone without the express written permission of the writer/owner. I will not market or even discuss this information with anyone outside this group.
3. I also understand that many stories and ideas are similar and/or have common themes and from time to time, two or more people can independently and simultaneously generate the same concept or movie idea.
4. If I have an idea that is the same as or very similar to another group member’s idea, I’ll immediately contact Hal and present proof that I had this idea prior to the beginning of the class. If Hal deems them to be the same idea or close enough to cause harm to either party, he’ll request both parties to present another concept for the class.
5. If you don’t present proof to Hal that you have the same idea as another person, you agree that all ideas presented to this group are the sole ownership of the person who presented them and you will not write or market another group member’s ideas.
6. Finally, I agree not to bring suit against anyone in this group for any reason, unless they use a substantial portion of my copyrighted work in a manner that is public and/or that prevents me from marketing my script by shopping it to production companies, agents, managers, actors, networks, studios or any other entertainment industry organizations or people.
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*Rita's exchange for Mark
It seems you did a lot of the work for us, labeling the skills, so good job! I'll just add a few comments.*
Doubling the Quality – (Mark Napier)SCENE: INT – NEW YORK YACHT CLUB – BALLROOM – NIGHT
DESCRIPTION: It’s New Years Eve and soon the night of celebration for one, will instead turn festivities into a night of an ass whoop’n.SERIES OF SHOTS: The music blares and the party is in full swing with a couple of thousand partygoers inside the huge ballroom that is decorated with a large mast with sails, fishing nets, various stuffed sea life that includes a Great White shark’s head with mouth open wide revealing its jagged teeth. An octopus and squid are also embraced in battle, but this is just a few items of interest mounted on the walls. Aquariums filled with sea life welcome visitors along the entrance way, as well. New Year decorations and balloons hang from the walls and ceiling for the anticipated midnight drop. (Setting)
ROBERT
A well-known and appreciated bartender/server is forced to work the one night of the year he’d rather be home than dodging and weaving through a crowd towards his table of VIPs holding a tray of drinks he is subservient to.
TRENT
Passing himself off as a guest using the confusion of crowds to gain entry, he enters the rich and exclusive New York Yacht Club, for free. Making his grand entrance through the crystal style glass doors that reflect the ‘helm’ or ship’s wheel at the main entrance, Trent enters the ballroom like he owns it and lifts a glass of champaign off the tray of the passing server (Robert) that was intended for others. His action knocks a couple of glasses over on the tray. Trent does not give Robert a second thought. (Pretending Wealth/Needy)
ROBERT
Robert’s initial facial expression of frustration looking at the spilled drinks is no sooner replaced with surprise and recognition of Trent.
I am so sorry sir!
That was completely my fault. (Smooth)
Make yourself at home! (Gregarious/Sarcastic)TRENT
Trent shoots an annoying inferiority look. (Feeding Robert’s Low Self-esteem)
ROBERT
Oh! …. Excuse me sir! ….
Robert reaches to the back side of Trent’s collar causing Trent to flinch away.
You forgot to remove the ‘sales tag’ from your tuxedo. **Also shows Trent using others at their own expense. Implies he’s going to return it after wearing it once.**
It was hidden on the back of your collar. (Smooth)CU: On sales tag.
TRENT
Smiles sheepishly for his oversight and walks away.
ROBERT
Talking out loud to himself and another server who assists to clean up. **It might be getter to have him tell another server to make it actual gossip.**
I remember that asshole! He’s a leech!
If he is not duping affluent people for his own pleasures, then he takes advantage of the less unfortunate.
I wonder who he suckered to get in here? (Gossip)Robert continues to his table where the Admiral of the yacht club is seated.
Smiling he approaches Admiral Byrd’s head table with 20 guests.
Ladies and Gentlemen ….
If I have not said it once, I ‘ve said it many times …
I am your savior when it comes to refreshments.
(LAUGHTER) (Gregarious)ADMIRAL BYRD
I see you had a little mishap there.
ROBERT
Roberts smiles.
Nothing I couldn’t handle Admiral. (Smooth)
I just turned on my Butterfly Angel charm! (Smooth)
(LAUGHTER)Leaning into the Admiral speaking softly to deliver his drink. (Gossip/Intrigue)
That guy seems out of place to me…
I recognize him from a few years back.
He used to be a panhandler near my Metro station.Robert palms the ‘sells tag’ to show the Admiral who then scans the room.
TRENT
Trent continues mingling; basking in the environment. Twirling on his heels with arms wide to greet people while lifting a glass in salutations. (Needy)
Happy New Year!!!
Trent periodically is seen lifting drinks and hors d’oeuvres destined for other tables that catches the stern eyes of the Admiral. (Needy/Pretending Wealth)
Eventually, Trent then makes his way to the bar where Robert is stationed.
My good man!
I’d like a Bloody Mary to change things up a bit.Trent continues gazing around the room.
ROBERT
Yes Sir…. Coming right up! (Secretive/Smooth)
(In a low voice) One ‘Bunker Buster’ that is.FOCUS: Grabbing a cocktail mixer under the counter and a bottle of Fleet Saline Laxative he squirts half the content into the cup before reaching for a large bottle of V8 juice and topping off with Tito’s Vodka. He shakes the mix.
Here you go sir!
Robert has a pleasant cheerful smile on his face. (Secretive/Smooth)
TRENT
Trent says nothing else, but walks away with a puzzled expression trying to remember Robert’s vague, but familiar face, while sucking down his drink.
ADMIRAL BYRD
Making his rounds with members, the Admiral arrives to chat with guests Trent is engaging with noticeably buzzed and his drink emptied. (Suspense)
Happy New Year!
I don’t believe I’ve seen you around before.
A new member? Or are you here as a guest?TRENT
Having done his research of members he rattles off the name. (Meticulous)
I am here as a guest for Mr. and Mrs. Moskowitz.
ADMIRAL BYRD
The Admiral smiles, remembering both had been deceased for about a year.
Glad you could make it! (Intrigue)
TRENT
Believing he passed the test, Trent’s belly succumbs to the Bunker Buster as he starts cramping and begins to excuse himself in need of the men’s room.ADMIRAL BYRD
The closest men’s room is near the rear exit. (Intrigue)
Pointing toward the loading dock, Trent quickly departs.
The Admiral then waves a hand at Security who is standing by to intercept.TRENT
Near the loading dock and bathrooms, Trent is approached by security, but Trent waves him off in his urgency for the toilet. (Aggressive)
The officer grabs Trent’s left arm causing Trent to aggressively jerk his arm away, but in the mallei strikes the guy in the face, accidentally, with an elbow.
SECURITY
Now angered, the guard slams Trent’s head and chest against the exiting door frame that pops the door open. A dazed Trent turns to face his escort who stuffs his right fist into Trent’s gut bending him over unleashing a fowl odor of stench much to the guard’s surprise. Trent loses his balance and topples backwards rolling down the loading dock ramp onto the pavement. The guard waves his hand to fan the stench away and shuts the door.
ROBERT
Not far behind with a can of Febreze in one hand and pinching his nose with the other he empties the bottle; all the while snorting with laughter. (Secret)
SCENE: EXT – LOADING DOCK – NEW YORK YACTH CLUB -NIGHT
TRENT
Groaning and lying there in pain, he listens to the revelers’ count down: “5… 4… 3… 2… 1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” with horns and cheers bellowing. (Needy)
What the Hell is that smell?!?!
BEAT
Aww SHIT!FADE OUT
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by Rita Roberts.
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This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by
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Rita’s Act 4 Resolution
What I learned: Time to celebrate and get ready to elevate.
Tying up threads can be very quick.
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EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS – MORNING
First day of fall semester. Students make their way to class.
Zak and Sage gather books out of Zak’s pickup.
DAWN
Have a good semester, you two!
Dawn waves at them as she drives by the Blue Dawn van.
SUPER: ONE YEAR LATER.
INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM – MORNING
Tiered lecture hall is packed. Students sit awake and engaged. Several hands raise.
A familiar voice spouts psychobabble…
ZAK
But that’s bullshit out in the real world.
Class laughs.
ZAK
All you really need to know is — don’t underestimate yourself.
INT. ABERNATHY’S OFFICE – DAY
Dawn waves good morning to Tom and settles into the office across the hall.
TOM
I got a call from the Garcias.
Dawn takes a seat.
DAWN
(hopeful)
And?
TOM
They want us to start next week.
Dawn raises both her fists, victory!
DAWN
See, I told you they’d go for it. You just have to use a little personal finesse.
He nods, smiles and shoos her out.
EXT. ABERNATHY BUILDERS OFFICE – MORNING
The sign on the building now says: ABERNATHY BUILDERS & BLUE DAWN HOME IMPROVEMENTS
SERIES OF SCENES:
The crew has gotten their lives in order.
EXT. PRISON – DAY
Crater picks up a crew of painters on work release in a second Blue Dawn van.
Plenty of room for improvements.
EXT. PARK – DAY
Harold pushes his kids on the swings.
Once they get going, he sits next to his ex and pats her knee. She smiles.
INT. GYM – DAY
Billie teaches a yoga class full of mostly women.
She kindly helps the one man get into proper position.
INT. COMEDY CLUB – NIGHT
Big Todd takes the stage, braving an open mic.
The whole crew is there to cheer him on.
Dawn and Stevens sit together.
Abernathy and his mom clap their encouragement.
Big Todd, in front of a real audience. He kills.
They all do.
THE END
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Hi Megan,
Your structure is in some ways similar to a book I’m reading now — not in a repetitive way, just that you might like reading it. Babel by R. F. Kuang. It tackles the theme of empire control in a semi fictional world where characters need secret ways of opposing authority while appearing to be part of the system.
You’re taking on quite a challenge! I’ll be watching how it unfolds.
Rita
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Hi, Patrick. I’m interested in all those subjects you mentioned. And I’d like to know about the sovereignty podcast when you get it going, I hope you’ll share the link.
Nice to meet you,
Rita
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Hi Bonnie,
If I remember correctly, you let me read BECOMING PICASSO a few years ago. Great concept and script!
I have a first draft script called DREAMTIME about using dreams to inform our waking life.
Along with painting and animation, we have a few things in common. Good to see you again 🙂 -
Hi Lisa,
“to share multidimensional concepts in whatever way I can” — Me too!I am in Southern Colorado and hope to visit my son in Ft Collins soon. Maybe we can meet over lunch sometime. I do psychic/multidimensional art work so I am very curious your path.
Good to see you again. 🙂
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Hi Patty,
People have told me the same thing but after spending time on multiple constructions sites, usually as the only female, I’ve found that I am always the LEAST emotional, most rational person there. Constructions workers get their feelings hurt very easily, as it turns out. LOL
So, yeah, your counselor probably got it right.
Nice to meet you! -
Hi Laura,
I went to KCAI and lived in Kansas City for 6 years, designed graphics on concession cups for the Royals and Chiefs during my time there.
Nice to meet you!
Rita
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Hi Karena,
I have a friend who would like to know more about your Latin card game. Is there a link or can you message me info about it?
I’m in the middle of reading Babel by R.F. Kuang — it’s about translation and words creating magic. You might like it.
Nice to meet you!